wonkette weather desk

‘Snowpocalypse II: Revenge Of The Transformers’ To Re-Cripple Local Quadriplegics

First they predicted 12-20 inches, and we said nothing. Then… other predictions were made… and now it’s 18-24 inches with a special Bonus Prize of “you will die, -ish” for a small band hovering over Washington, DC, the mutilated-diamond-shaped federal office park where man’s greatest dreams come to be filibustered. Clutch your loved ones! (Because after a few days, you’ll need to eat them.) [AccuWeather]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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71 comments

  1. S.Luggo

    If George Bush were still in office, this would not happen. He kept us safe.

    Time to run out to the JiffMart to stock up on demon mutton.

  2. Wonko

    This snow has got me so fucking scared, it’s ridiculous. My crap just crapped itself, for serious.

  3. give us a bob

    Who gave Roland Emmerich the greenlight for another movie? There’s just not enough world left to fuck up these days.

  4. Clankie

    I just don’t get the East Coast, maybe it’s because I’m from the home of Balloon Boy, but the standards for ‘snow disaster’ over there seem approximately equal to ‘sledding weather’ here. If three to five feet of snow were to fall over there (as happens here every 4-6 years) would that be some kind of cataclysmic climate-altering disaster? Because if that’s the case, I almost feel like I have something realistic to pray for.

  5. weejee

    Sorry 4 that. We in the real Washington of C’Addle have just completed our warmest January for ever and ever (reader’s note: dat means since the melanin-impaired arrived with their temperature measurey gadgets). I’ll leave it to others to determine on the weather front which of the two Washingtons got yinned and who got yanged.

  6. McDuff

    [re=507809]Clankie[/re]: Don’t ya know — the MOST IMPORTANT CITY IN THE WORLD (Chevy Chase, Maryland) always freaks out over even a few snow flakes because it screws up the schedules of the MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN THE WORLD (lobbyists & lawyers) who have IMPORTANT WORK (bribing Congressmen) to do?

  7. Monsieur Grumpe

    Typical east coast liberal sissies. Here in Minnesota we laugh at the snow, freezing rain, sleet, tornados, lightening and frogs.. Really, we do. Not so much because we’re all tough and rugged. We’re just bored out of minds.

  8. bureaucrap

    I may as be the first one to say the utterly unoriginal, “I like my loved ones’ livers with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”

  9. JMP

    Suck it, Washington; Philly’s just getting the disruptive snowfall, not the paralyzing one. I’m starting to like these new storms that keep hitting hardest to the south where the locals are even less well prepared than we are.

  10. Clankie

    McDuff, this is the 21st century! With yer blueberries and yer palmtops and buckteeth and whatever, surely them lobbyists and lawyers can get their shit done without even leaving the house, sure it might be slightly problemmatic, what with the principal currency round them parts being blowjobs and whatnots, but surely they could use the time to work on their ‘ships in bottles’ or whatever it is you people do.

  11. thatonegirlsays

    See, if you’re going to live in Godless libruhl sodomite city, you might as well have nice weather, which is why the real smertz libruhls live on the West Coast. At best, you have sunshine in SoCal. At worst, you get to slog through grey drizzle for 10 months of the year here in the other, superior Warshington.

  12. AutomaticPilot

    [re=507809]Clankie[/re]: It certainly wouldn’t be considered a snow disaster in the Great Lakes region, either. It’s really just the Mid-Atlantic states that are the sissies.

  13. RoscoePColtraine

    I’ll just use my stock answer for these sort of things, which I came up with after about the ninetieth hurricane blew Florida to the ground:

    “Serves you fuckers right for choosing to live right smack dab in the middle of hurricane alley tornado alley blizzard alley. When are you ever going to learn.”

    FWIW, I live in Northern California where the weather is always blissful, and nothing terrible could ever conceivably befall us.

  14. HipHopOpotamus

    failllll. I bought tickets to a concert on friday night, and less than 10 minutes later found out about this monstrosity (and as I live at an above-ground metro, will thus be impaired). Damn you, $4.75 processing charge and $4 ordering fee for my $15 worth of being snowed in. I’m buying liquor.

  15. Mr Blifil

    You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll never forget…THE DAY THE SNOW ACCUMULATED

    Actually I think the term “paralyzing” was a reference to Mitch McConnell…

  16. Sharkey

    Luckily, Tai Shan got out just in time.

    The twitter snowball fights will be exponentially worse this weekend. Everyone stock up on Hummers and loaded weapons, especially off-duty cops.

  17. JMP

    [re=507833]thatonegirlsays[/re]: Ah, but on the East Coast average people can afford a decent house, instead of paying the price of a mansion for a rancher; and hippies are very rare. Oh, and most importantly, while the weather may not be as nice as the West, we never have to worry about the fucking ground moving and shaking under us.

  18. AutomaticPilot

    Don’t be surprised if Sarah Palin to show up if she feels the situation will be sufficiently apocalyptic. She’ll be disguised, of course (i.e., wearing a half-Sharpied-out visor).

  19. Don't Mess with Joe

    When will Sarah Palin demand that the Channel 4 Weather Team apologize for this affront to paralyzed people?

  20. betterDeadThanRed

    Just means there will be no traffic on the beltway tomorrow morning because all of the government workers and contractors will stay home.

    I pity the workers at the super markets. This is a french toast and toilet paper emergency. Everyone is buying milk, eggs, bread and toilet paper. Why?

  21. Flanders

    [re=507809]Clankie[/re]: Hey, I’m from Seattle. Simply the *threat* of snow results in empty grocery stores, gas lines and general mayhem.

  22. chaste everywhere

    [re=507859]slappypaddy[/re]: It said, “Nice little make-believe tripartite government theme-park you got here. I’d hate to see anything happen to it.”

  23. The Rod Jetton Bondage Experience

    Normally if you told me I’d be getting 12 inches tonight, I’d be excited..

  24. McDuff

    [re=507832]Clankie[/re]: Sorry, the MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN THE WORLD still like the face-to-face meeting since it usually involves all-important consummption of expense account alcohol beverages and the tax-deductable lunch, and, maybe if your lucky, a hotel room quickie with the lobbyist’s on-call call-girl. Ain’t being able to write the applicable tax code section for your favorite owes-me-one Congressman to slip into some must-pass appropriations bill just grand?

  25. rev_matt_y

    Great, the storm looks like a giant (slightly abstract) penis, and the head is right on Missouri. This doesn’t bode well for my commute tomorrow.

  26. Ducksworthy

    [re=507827]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Yeah. I hope you’re laughing at the freezing rain now. I just went out for doughnuts and some idiot pulled onto the road, got scared and just flat out stopped, right in front of me. Gdamned teabaggers.

  27. slappypaddy

    [re=507872]chaste everywhere[/re]: those were its exact words. it knows a potemkin village when it sees one.

  28. McDuff

    [re=507894]McDuff[/re]: and, maybe if your lucky, …

    Howabout — and, maybe if YOU’RE lucky …

    And I call myself a professional editor. I penalize myself an extra large Vodka Collins after work.

  29. DustBowlBlues

    [re=507800]S.Luggo[/re]: Here from Snowklahoma, where my cats are beginning to eye me hungrily, let me warn you not to scoff at this shit. We’ve been under ice since Dec 24. Where are we? Fucking Minnesota?

    And since I know I’m probably the only Christian on this list, let me explain something. Think–This weather shit coincided EXACTLY with the Rise of the Teabaggers, punctuated with Demon Sheep. That’s right!!! The Republics have made a pact with the devil and we are all doomed!!!

    Be afraid, people. Be very afraid. Like I am. Of my cats.

  30. DustBowlBlues

    [re=507919]DustBowlBlues[/re]: And I forgot to point out the final, convincing piece of evidence for my Teabagger-Devil pact:

    This is happening here in Real America. A prophet in my own land, no one around here is listening to me. Partly, because I can’t get off my ranch to go tell anybody.

  31. chaste everywhere

    [re=507912]slappypaddy[/re]: Some historians claim that Catherine knew they were fake and played along, possibly because she and Pyotomkin were having it off. (With whom did she NOT have it off, come to think of it?) Somehow that all matches today’s modern world, too.

    [re=507913]McDuff[/re]: As a fellow “professional” “editor,” I sympathize. Editors are only as good as there latest mistake. (Would that actually mean something, even if it were spelled right?)

  32. windupbird

    You guys are a bunch of big babies. Try living in the remote foothills of NH for three years and then get back to me about about snow. Western Massachusetts was no picnic, either. The Blizzard of ’78 was MAJOR.

  33. Simba B

    Aaa ha ha. I look at that map, and it’s CLEAR SAILING over all of New York State. We’ve only had TWO of these motherfucking lake-effect storms this year, it’s ok, go ahead and freak out like you always do, DC.

  34. Diana Davies

    [re=507827]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: I spent a few days in Minnesota last winter and my eyeballs nearly froze.

  35. President Beeblebrox

    [re=507939]El Kabong[/re]: Wait, wut? On my way home from work the nice AccuWeather guy said 8-16 inches. Now that Foot guy says 20 to 26, crippling, historic, epic, etc…

    I bet the Statue of Liberty and Manhattan will be flash-frozen in this storm. It really is Teh Day After Tomorrow now.

    Rage Tiem!

    FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

  36. Scooter

    Snow is alot easier to plow than bullshit, so it’ll be like a day off for the DC road department.

  37. rottenart

    [re=507956]Simba B[/re]: Yup, pretty mild winter this year in ol’, decayin’ WNY. And yeah, NYC doesn’t count. Let them dig and dig and dig until they find… something.

  38. steverino247

    Captain Picard: Worf, set the snowfall on “Disruptive!”

    Worf: Aye, Captain.

    (shitloads of snow somehow upsets the daily routines of people from Missouri to Maryland)

  39. CanadianBacon

    Okay here is a tip from a Canadian on how to deal with paralyzing snow. Take 1 ounce of Kahula,1/2 ounce vodka,1 ounce cola and 3.5 ounces of milk. Put it in a tall glass with a handful of paralyzing snow. Mix. Drink. Repeat until it appears all the paralyzing snow is gone. Note, very important to avoid the yellow coloured snow.

  40. Sharkey

    There is genuine and delightful specificity in the content of previous responses.

    FUCKING SNOWING SNOW FUCK SHITSNOWFUCK NEED DRUGS XBOXLIVE @MEGMCCABE

  41. SuperMudVST

    [re=507939]El Kabong[/re]: What the fuck is the footsforecast madness? Did the Weather Channel contract their site design out to Gene “Timecube” Ray, Wisest Human?

  42. Go Figure

    Thankfully, there are no embarrassing Senate hearings scheduled to discuss extreme weather changes due to Global Warming/Climate change.
    Instead, we can count on the Beltway bastards to go for beer & guacamole & hang out w Obama watching the Superbowl.
    Just watch! They call in sick on Monday “due to weather”– code for I have a wicked hangover!!!!

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