WONKETTE WEATHER DESK  3:44 pm February 4, 2010

‘Snowpocalypse II: Revenge Of The Transformers’ To Re-Cripple Local Quadriplegics

by Jim Newell

First they predicted 12-20 inches, and we said nothing. Then… other predictions were made… and now it’s 18-24 inches with a special Bonus Prize of “you will die, -ish” for a small band hovering over Washington, DC, the mutilated-diamond-shaped federal office park where man’s greatest dreams come to be filibustered. Clutch your loved ones! (Because after a few days, you’ll need to eat them.) [AccuWeather]

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Ducksworthy February 4, 2010 at 3:49 pm

O NO First the sheep now this. I’m going back to the sheep. Less scary

S.Luggo February 4, 2010 at 3:51 pm

If George Bush were still in office, this would not happen. He kept us safe.

Time to run out to the JiffMart to stock up on demon mutton.

Wonko February 4, 2010 at 3:53 pm

This snow has got me so fucking scared, it’s ridiculous. My crap just crapped itself, for serious.

Suds McKenzie February 4, 2010 at 3:53 pm

Too bad you all have to give up your blogs. Also

give us a bob February 4, 2010 at 3:54 pm

Who gave Roland Emmerich the greenlight for another movie? There’s just not enough world left to fuck up these days.

Clankie February 4, 2010 at 3:56 pm

I just don’t get the East Coast, maybe it’s because I’m from the home of Balloon Boy, but the standards for ‘snow disaster’ over there seem approximately equal to ‘sledding weather’ here. If three to five feet of snow were to fall over there (as happens here every 4-6 years) would that be some kind of cataclysmic climate-altering disaster? Because if that’s the case, I almost feel like I have something realistic to pray for.

I-man February 4, 2010 at 3:58 pm

Boyashaka LSAT might be canceled.

weejee February 4, 2010 at 3:59 pm

Sorry 4 that. We in the real Washington of C’Addle have just completed our warmest January for ever and ever (reader’s note: dat means since the melanin-impaired arrived with their temperature measurey gadgets). I’ll leave it to others to determine on the weather front which of the two Washingtons got yinned and who got yanged.

Jim89048 February 4, 2010 at 4:02 pm

East Coast’s response to the Sheepocalypse on the West Coast.

FMA February 4, 2010 at 4:03 pm

Note to self: Stock up on liquor and beer. OK. All set.

McDuff February 4, 2010 at 4:05 pm

[re=507809]Clankie[/re]: Don’t ya know — the MOST IMPORTANT CITY IN THE WORLD (Chevy Chase, Maryland) always freaks out over even a few snow flakes because it screws up the schedules of the MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN THE WORLD (lobbyists & lawyers) who have IMPORTANT WORK (bribing Congressmen) to do?

magic titty February 4, 2010 at 4:06 pm

Disruptive Snowfall = worst Canadian band ever

Naked Bunny with a Whip February 4, 2010 at 4:07 pm

Can’t Rahmn Emanuel just frighten the snow away?

Monsieur Grumpe February 4, 2010 at 4:07 pm

Typical east coast liberal sissies. Here in Minnesota we laugh at the snow, freezing rain, sleet, tornados, lightening and frogs.. Really, we do. Not so much because we’re all tough and rugged. We’re just bored out of minds.

bureaucrap February 4, 2010 at 4:09 pm

I may as be the first one to say the utterly unoriginal, “I like my loved ones’ livers with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”

JMP February 4, 2010 at 4:11 pm

Suck it, Washington; Philly’s just getting the disruptive snowfall, not the paralyzing one. I’m starting to like these new storms that keep hitting hardest to the south where the locals are even less well prepared than we are.

Clankie February 4, 2010 at 4:11 pm

McDuff, this is the 21st century! With yer blueberries and yer palmtops and buckteeth and whatever, surely them lobbyists and lawyers can get their shit done without even leaving the house, sure it might be slightly problemmatic, what with the principal currency round them parts being blowjobs and whatnots, but surely they could use the time to work on their ‘ships in bottles’ or whatever it is you people do.

thatonegirlsays February 4, 2010 at 4:11 pm

See, if you’re going to live in Godless libruhl sodomite city, you might as well have nice weather, which is why the real smertz libruhls live on the West Coast. At best, you have sunshine in SoCal. At worst, you get to slog through grey drizzle for 10 months of the year here in the other, superior Warshington.

AutomaticPilot February 4, 2010 at 4:13 pm

[re=507809]Clankie[/re]: It certainly wouldn’t be considered a snow disaster in the Great Lakes region, either. It’s really just the Mid-Atlantic states that are the sissies.

Cape Clod February 4, 2010 at 4:14 pm

Now if it snowed demon sheep that would be pretty scary.

RoscoePColtraine February 4, 2010 at 4:15 pm

I’ll just use my stock answer for these sort of things, which I came up with after about the ninetieth hurricane blew Florida to the ground:

“Serves you fuckers right for choosing to live right smack dab in the middle of hurricane alley tornado alley blizzard alley. When are you ever going to learn.”

FWIW, I live in Northern California where the weather is always blissful, and nothing terrible could ever conceivably befall us.

HipHopOpotamus February 4, 2010 at 4:17 pm

failllll. I bought tickets to a concert on friday night, and less than 10 minutes later found out about this monstrosity (and as I live at an above-ground metro, will thus be impaired). Damn you, $4.75 processing charge and $4 ordering fee for my $15 worth of being snowed in. I’m buying liquor.

Advocatus_Diaboli February 4, 2010 at 4:18 pm

Anyone know if Police Officer Shooty McHummer is back on duty?

Mr Blifil February 4, 2010 at 4:19 pm

You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll never forget…THE DAY THE SNOW ACCUMULATED

Actually I think the term “paralyzing” was a reference to Mitch McConnell…

Sharkey February 4, 2010 at 4:19 pm

Luckily, Tai Shan got out just in time.

The twitter snowball fights will be exponentially worse this weekend. Everyone stock up on Hummers and loaded weapons, especially off-duty cops.

Come here a minute February 4, 2010 at 4:19 pm

[re=507837]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Shakey shakey!

JMP February 4, 2010 at 4:20 pm

[re=507833]thatonegirlsays[/re]: Ah, but on the East Coast average people can afford a decent house, instead of paying the price of a mansion for a rancher; and hippies are very rare. Oh, and most importantly, while the weather may not be as nice as the West, we never have to worry about the fucking ground moving and shaking under us.

AutomaticPilot February 4, 2010 at 4:22 pm

Don’t be surprised if Sarah Palin to show up if she feels the situation will be sufficiently apocalyptic. She’ll be disguised, of course (i.e., wearing a half-Sharpied-out visor).

Don't Mess with Joe February 4, 2010 at 4:25 pm

When will Sarah Palin demand that the Channel 4 Weather Team apologize for this affront to paralyzed people?

slappypaddy February 4, 2010 at 4:28 pm

that storm came through here last night, said it was looking for you. it wasn’t smiling.

betterDeadThanRed February 4, 2010 at 4:30 pm

Just means there will be no traffic on the beltway tomorrow morning because all of the government workers and contractors will stay home.

I pity the workers at the super markets. This is a french toast and toilet paper emergency. Everyone is buying milk, eggs, bread and toilet paper. Why?

Darkness February 4, 2010 at 4:35 pm

[re=507848]JMP[/re]: What? Try googling “Boston Earthquake”.

Flanders February 4, 2010 at 4:37 pm

[re=507809]Clankie[/re]: Hey, I’m from Seattle. Simply the *threat* of snow results in empty grocery stores, gas lines and general mayhem.

chaste everywhere February 4, 2010 at 4:37 pm

[re=507859]slappypaddy[/re]: It said, “Nice little make-believe tripartite government theme-park you got here. I’d hate to see anything happen to it.”

blinky_twinkie February 4, 2010 at 4:38 pm

[re=507837]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: And we just got another one: 6.0 earthquake offshore NCAL . Wheee!

The Rod Jetton Bondage Experience February 4, 2010 at 4:40 pm

Normally if you told me I’d be getting 12 inches tonight, I’d be excited..

lemprika February 4, 2010 at 4:42 pm

Will it be gynourmous?

Flanders February 4, 2010 at 4:43 pm

[re=507872]chaste everywhere[/re]: You guys! Stop it! I’m at work. They can hear me laughing.

coolcatdaddy February 4, 2010 at 4:46 pm

Wow – Accuweather outdid themselves with that Apocalyptic graphic there…

McDuff February 4, 2010 at 4:46 pm

[re=507832]Clankie[/re]: Sorry, the MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN THE WORLD still like the face-to-face meeting since it usually involves all-important consummption of expense account alcohol beverages and the tax-deductable lunch, and, maybe if your lucky, a hotel room quickie with the lobbyist’s on-call call-girl. Ain’t being able to write the applicable tax code section for your favorite owes-me-one Congressman to slip into some must-pass appropriations bill just grand?

rev_matt_y February 4, 2010 at 4:49 pm

Great, the storm looks like a giant (slightly abstract) penis, and the head is right on Missouri. This doesn’t bode well for my commute tomorrow.

Ducksworthy February 4, 2010 at 4:54 pm

[re=507827]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Yeah. I hope you’re laughing at the freezing rain now. I just went out for doughnuts and some idiot pulled onto the road, got scared and just flat out stopped, right in front of me. Gdamned teabaggers.

slappypaddy February 4, 2010 at 4:54 pm

[re=507872]chaste everywhere[/re]: those were its exact words. it knows a potemkin village when it sees one.

McDuff February 4, 2010 at 4:56 pm

[re=507894]McDuff[/re]: and, maybe if your lucky, …

Howabout — and, maybe if YOU’RE lucky …

And I call myself a professional editor. I penalize myself an extra large Vodka Collins after work.

Ducksworthy February 4, 2010 at 4:57 pm

[re=507911]Ducksworthy[/re]: Sorry. I meant retard.

DustBowlBlues February 4, 2010 at 5:00 pm

[re=507800]S.Luggo[/re]: Here from Snowklahoma, where my cats are beginning to eye me hungrily, let me warn you not to scoff at this shit. We’ve been under ice since Dec 24. Where are we? Fucking Minnesota?

And since I know I’m probably the only Christian on this list, let me explain something. Think–This weather shit coincided EXACTLY with the Rise of the Teabaggers, punctuated with Demon Sheep. That’s right!!! The Republics have made a pact with the devil and we are all doomed!!!

Be afraid, people. Be very afraid. Like I am. Of my cats.

Autoo February 4, 2010 at 5:07 pm


[/checks penis]

What species are you, exactly?

DustBowlBlues February 4, 2010 at 5:13 pm

[re=507919]DustBowlBlues[/re]: And I forgot to point out the final, convincing piece of evidence for my Teabagger-Devil pact:

This is happening here in Real America. A prophet in my own land, no one around here is listening to me. Partly, because I can’t get off my ranch to go tell anybody.

chaste everywhere February 4, 2010 at 5:14 pm

[re=507912]slappypaddy[/re]: Some historians claim that Catherine knew they were fake and played along, possibly because she and Pyotomkin were having it off. (With whom did she NOT have it off, come to think of it?) Somehow that all matches today’s modern world, too.

[re=507913]McDuff[/re]: As a fellow “professional” “editor,” I sympathize. Editors are only as good as there latest mistake. (Would that actually mean something, even if it were spelled right?)

El Kabong February 4, 2010 at 5:18 pm

speaking of transformers: http://www.footsforecast.org/

What if we leave, and you’re wrong?

S.Luggo February 4, 2010 at 5:25 pm

This is gonna be perfect stalking weather.

windupbird February 4, 2010 at 5:32 pm

You guys are a bunch of big babies. Try living in the remote foothills of NH for three years and then get back to me about about snow. Western Massachusetts was no picnic, either. The Blizzard of ’78 was MAJOR.

Simba B February 4, 2010 at 5:34 pm

Aaa ha ha. I look at that map, and it’s CLEAR SAILING over all of New York State. We’ve only had TWO of these motherfucking lake-effect storms this year, it’s ok, go ahead and freak out like you always do, DC.

Simba B February 4, 2010 at 5:35 pm

[re=507956]Simba B[/re]: Oh, I see NYC might get part of this, but who gives a fuck about them.

Diana Davies February 4, 2010 at 5:36 pm

[re=507827]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: I spent a few days in Minnesota last winter and my eyeballs nearly froze.

Jim89048 February 4, 2010 at 6:08 pm
BlueStateLibtard February 4, 2010 at 6:20 pm

Oh, so the Red Staters are going to get another 2″ of snow.

President Beeblebrox February 4, 2010 at 7:06 pm

[re=507939]El Kabong[/re]: Wait, wut? On my way home from work the nice AccuWeather guy said 8-16 inches. Now that Foot guy says 20 to 26, crippling, historic, epic, etc…

I bet the Statue of Liberty and Manhattan will be flash-frozen in this storm. It really is Teh Day After Tomorrow now.

Rage Tiem!


Buzz Feedback February 4, 2010 at 7:34 pm


Scooter February 4, 2010 at 7:54 pm

Snow is alot easier to plow than bullshit, so it’ll be like a day off for the DC road department.

ladymacbeth February 4, 2010 at 8:25 pm

meh. move to CA. less snow, more demon sheep.

pattycake February 4, 2010 at 8:32 pm

Jim, this is the greatest headline ever.

BigDupa February 4, 2010 at 8:40 pm

[re=507837]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: What about the AIDS?

rottenart February 4, 2010 at 9:03 pm

[re=507956]Simba B[/re]: Yup, pretty mild winter this year in ol’, decayin’ WNY. And yeah, NYC doesn’t count. Let them dig and dig and dig until they find… something.

steverino247 February 4, 2010 at 11:03 pm

Captain Picard: Worf, set the snowfall on “Disruptive!”

Worf: Aye, Captain.

(shitloads of snow somehow upsets the daily routines of people from Missouri to Maryland)

CanadianBacon February 4, 2010 at 11:39 pm

Okay here is a tip from a Canadian on how to deal with paralyzing snow. Take 1 ounce of Kahula,1/2 ounce vodka,1 ounce cola and 3.5 ounces of milk. Put it in a tall glass with a handful of paralyzing snow. Mix. Drink. Repeat until it appears all the paralyzing snow is gone. Note, very important to avoid the yellow coloured snow.

Sharkey February 5, 2010 at 12:17 am

There is genuine and delightful specificity in the content of previous responses.


SuperMudVST February 5, 2010 at 8:50 am

[re=507939]El Kabong[/re]: What the fuck is the footsforecast madness? Did the Weather Channel contract their site design out to Gene “Timecube” Ray, Wisest Human?

ilovezito February 5, 2010 at 1:17 pm

got the t-shirt and i’m ready to party!

Let it snow:

Lefty Lucy February 5, 2010 at 3:39 pm

[re=508002]Jim89048[/re]: “Where’s a tauntaun when you need one?” BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Thanks!

Go Figure February 7, 2010 at 1:49 am

Thankfully, there are no embarrassing Senate hearings scheduled to discuss extreme weather changes due to Global Warming/Climate change.
Instead, we can count on the Beltway bastards to go for beer & guacamole & hang out w Obama watching the Superbowl.
Just watch! They call in sick on Monday “due to weather”– code for I have a wicked hangover!!!!

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