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He’s ba-ack!

Tenured Washington Post oxygen-consumer Richard Cohen, the World’s Worst Writer, has constructed another hilarious screed about Terrorism from the chunks of waste that have long lingered in his adult diaper. At least that’s our guess! We gave this one the ol’ “blogger read,” where you scan the opening paragraph somewhat closely for hilarity and then just read every other topic sentence until it’s over, it’s finally over, and you can start typing. Here’s a blockquote of the opening paragraph:

There is almost nothing the Obama administration does regarding terrorism that makes me feel safer. Whether it is guaranteeing captured terrorists that they will not be waterboarded, reciting terrorists their rights, or the legally meandering and confusing rule that some terrorists will be tried in military tribunals and some in civilian courts, what is missing is a firm recognition that what comes first is not the message sent to America’s critics but the message sent to Americans themselves. When, oh when, will this administration wake up?

Why bother picking this apart? One criticism should suffice: many of the words that Richard typed here should not have been typed. He could strengthen his argument by deleting many of these words and replacing them with nothing. After he types his first draft, he should go back to the beginning, and delete the first word. Then the second word. The third word, fourth, etc. Eventually he will have deleted each individual word in his first draft, and no words will remain. Then he’ll have an argument!

[Washington Post]

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  • WestEdEd
  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    BOMB BOMB BOMB BOMB BOMB BOMB BOMB BOMB DIDDY BOMB BOMB BOMB BOMB BOMB DIDDY BOMB BOMB BOMB.

  • Alex_P

    The title says “Why does Barack Obama refuse to validate my baseless paranoia?” but the first sentence says “Why won’t Barack Obama make me feel safer by holding me in his strong, supple arms?”

  • qwerty42

    cripes. is Cohen regressing to childhood? Perhaps he should read a newspaper (not the weird neocon operation he writes for) or go down to the telegraph station or something. No, Jim you’re right. He just should stop writing. retire. Join David Broder out on Beaver Island and together take the pledge to stop.

  • Accordion-o-rama

    There is almost nothing that the Richard Cohen does regarding terrorism that makes me feel informed.

  • bitchincamaro

    Oxygen-consumer thief

    /fixed.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    Holy shit. He really IS a terrible writer. I’d venture to argue that Palin might have been able to construct a better paragraph. Without help from Trig.

  • Hooray For Anything

    Is it me or does Richard Cohen look like the bastard child of some Ivy League snot and Peter Cottontail.

  • CorkPopper

    When, oh when, will Richard Cohen curl up in a fetal position sucking his thumb and clutching his blanket? He probably won’t feel any safer, but then he would be unable to type and hence inflict his paranoid blather on the rest of us.

  • jetjaguar

    The brown people are coming for you Richard Cohen… THEY’RE COMING FOR YOU

    OGGGGIDY-BOOOGIDDY-BOOOGIDYY!!!!!!

  • JMP

    Remember that this Dick is supposedly one of the Post’s liberal columnists.

    “But more is at stake here than America’s image abroad — namely the security and peace of mind of Americans in America.” Now, since the security of Americans is not in any way at risk from the terrorist boogeyman, it seems he admits that he needs torture and illegal detention to stop his bedwetting.

  • whiskey tango foxtrot

    Oh when will you stop being so mean to poor old Richard Cohen you mean mean mean Jim Newell? He probably spent a lot of time and effort writing this nice op-ed for all of our enjoyment.

    Don’t worry Mr. Cohen, we still think you’re really super. It’s not your fault that you just don’t know or understand many things.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Let’s see Dicky:
    1) US Americuh flagged (!) merchie caught by Somali (black muslin) pirates. Barry said “SEALS, kill” and they did.
    2) More drone attacks
    3) More troops to big A where AQ actually operated vs to big Iraq where Haliburton et al wanted Iraq’s oil and closer to where Israel perceives its biggest threat, Irannie
    4) Balls bomber turned into big joke except in pants wetting “warrior” chickshit chickenhawk circles of the DC village and GOPer central
    5) Trying to use intelligence and police work to derail terrism instead of more costly military options

    As I’ve said many times before, Dickey Cohen is a chickenshit chickenhawk coward who would sell out his own family to Teabaggers for a few extra seconds of life.

  • Jim89048

    Did he catch Lou Dobbs disease?

  • Prommie

    I for one never feel safe unless I know that off in a dungeon somewhere, someone is being tortured. Or bombed, thats good too, knowing someone is being bombed.

  • Hedley Lamar

    He must be a neo-cohen.

  • Nevada Hairy

    What’s with the picture of David Letterman?

  • Alex_P

    Wait. Maybe I’m misjudging him. Maybe Richard Cohen *just discovered* terrorism, so these are only his first thoughts ever on the subject.

    It’s kinda like that article he wrote when he first discovered black people two months ago, thanks to Barack Obama and Tiger Woods. And then he discovered women a week later. Probably because the black guys were sexin’ them.

    Why must you jaded cynics attack all of his childlike explorations? Just because you somehow *already know* about all these mysterious and complicated things he is discovering? Bullies! Let Richard Cohen explore the world with infantile wonder/terror in peace!

    Fact check: oh, wait, no, Mr. Cohen first discovered women in 1998.

  • Way Cool Larry

    No one can be that fucking dumb. This has to be some sort of evil plan to make us, uh, … believe in 9/11 conspiracy theories?

  • Extemporanus

    Lower the Cohen of Silence!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Richard Cohen could possibly have written the single stupidest sentence published today:

    A trial there would give KSM, as he is called, a second shot at devastating downtown New York.

    Um — because — you know — uhhh — terrorist! Yeah, it’s pretty clear.

  • Tommmcatt

    [re=506153]Prommie[/re]:

    Don’t forget the raping! The raping is important to my well-being as well.

  • BlueStateLibtard

    Every night, the Obama administration should give him a glass of warm milk and tuck him lovingly into bed, while whispering gently that everything is alright.

  • Jim Demintia

    A Richard Cohen is a person haunted by the suspicion that somewhere, someone may be having fun not being tortured.

  • Cheney Guevara

    he needs braces

  • Snarkalicious

    Today, we are all wearing loaded undies.

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    Jim I must disagree with you on Colonel Sander’s writing. I think there’s future for him as Palin’s speech writer. Only Sara could bring his genuine dementia laden gibberish to life by improvising on Cohen’s words with a couple of winks and a few “you betchas” thrown in.

  • JMP

    [re=506152]Jim89048[/re]: No, Dobbs has an irrational hatred and fear of Latinos; Cohen’s phobia is against Muslims. They’re racist against / terrified of different brown people.

    I just checked up on Cohen’s wikipedia entry – who managed to sneak this in there? “In 2009, Cohen was recognized as the “World’s Worst Writer” by Wonkette.[1]”

  • weejee

    [re=506127]WestEdEd[/re]: Your link is frightening. Isn’t it the blog equivalent of a Dickie Cohen ‘endless do loop’? How does I get off the Cohen carousel?

  • coolcatdaddy

    I know I feel safer knowing that Richard Cohen will retire someday.

  • SmutBoffin

    “When, oh when, will this administration wake up?”

    First of all, “When, oh when…”? It’s like a form of verbal hang-wringing (like old ladies do). Second of all “WAKE UP OBAMA ADMIN SHEEPLE”? Ugh. That’s Paultard/Truther rhetoric.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=506138]Hooray For Anything[/re]: It’s not just you.

  • Joshua Norton

    Yay!! More concern troll pundicks bombing us with more Pearl-Clutching Harbor! Don’t they know that’s David Gregory’s job?

  • Ducksworthy

    [re=506161]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Wait, That could happen couldn’t it? With poison gas? From eating like a bushel of lentils?

  • proudgrampa

    “But more is at stake here than America’s image abroad — namely the security and peace of mind of Americans in America.”

    Odds of:
    Death by car: 1 in 6500
    Death by Airplane: 1 in 88,000
    Death by Terrorism: 1 in 100,000
    Death by Asteroid: 1 in 200,000

    So, Dick, since you’re worrying about shit that is less likely to happen to you than a car accident, what should we do about the freakin’ asteroids???

    Dipshit.

  • Mad Brahms

    At least he’s being subjective about it. “Nothing /makes me feel/ safer”.

    Of course, that could be because he’s a pants-wetting infant, a possibility borne out by the rest of his writing.

  • WadISay

    Dickie Cohen, meet Danny Pipes. Mr. Pipes has the tough talk, macho and butch therapy you crave to feel better, ’cause that’s really what we all need to focus on here.

  • sezme

    There is almost nothing that columnist Richard Cohen does regarding fulfilling his weekly word-count quotient that makes me feel safer from the ever-present threat of idiocracy.

  • hedgehog

    Geez, and I thought KSM stood for “Kill Sum Muslins”

  • Harvey Birdman

    Is this the I’m-liberal-but-oh-so-serious-about-national-security consensus talking point? Didn’t we just have 8 years of this?

  • Ducksworthy

    Oh and before you get too smug libtards you’d better not think your Hopey has stopped all of the rape and torture and killing people with questioning. Ameraka’s contractor forces is full of patriotic AmeriKuns like these http://tinyurl.com/ybcojpw who will not make AmeraKa unsafe by listening to his negro dialects

  • bored with gravity

    When, oh when will Cohen write something worth reading?

  • bitchincamaro

    [re=506156]Alex_P[/re]: I wish someone would pay me for my childlike exploration of my feces.

  • Mad Brahms

    [re=506161]SayItWithWookies[/re]: What’s extra special (by which I mean “ed” /Rahm) is that unlike others who have argued that KSM might cause others to attack New York in an attempt to free him or disrupt his trial, Cohen’s exasperatingly poor argumentation insinuates that KSM *himself* might actually perpetrate a terrible crime against the freedom-loving residents of the city.

    Clearly, we underestimate the ingenuity of these here brown people. Where lesser prisoners could fashion a shiv, muslins can produce a fully working thermonuclear device, easily concealed beneath prison clothes or perhaps taped to the scrotum. They’re crafty, they are.

  • charlesdegoal

    In order for Mr. Cohen to have security and peace of mind, the best solution would seem to be Valium or a similar drug.

  • Hooray For Anything

    [re=506167]Cheney Guevara[/re]: Too late- he went for the dental plan instead

  • JMP

    [re=506188]bored with gravity[/re]: He saw his shadow today, so there’s at least six more weeks of cowering in fear.

  • Scaggsville guy

    What everybody said. Also: Cohen has always been notorious for being the LAZIEST columnist at the Post. If he has ever attended a Congressional hearing or picked up the phone and asked anyone for information, you’d never know it. Read any of his columns and try in vain to find a single bit of information that you didn’t know before. And forget about all his wrong information, illogical analysis, etc.

    On the plus side, I do enjoy all his pop-culture references, which always date to the 1960s. Today’s: Regis Philbin.

  • Sussemilch

    Terrorist training camps have been spotted in Richard Cohen’s beard, and for national security we are issuing Order #123124-B for a tactical strike against his chin. Nuke ’em all and let his barber sort ’em out!

  • dijetlo

    Mr Cohen needs to reach down to that spot between his taint and his peen where the testicles of a normal human male would be, grasp the empty folds of flesh firmly and try to face the remote possibility of his own death as if he weren’t some craven whiner in soiled depends whimpering that his indolent and unproductive life might come to an end as a result of our “war on terror”.
    Better men than the Ancient Dick have already died pursuing those ephemeral goals. As a fellow American, I find his display more than a little embarrassing.

  • V572625694

    [re=506179]proudgrampa[/re]: B-but your mere numbers don’t make me stop quivering w/fear! I wonder where death-by-coronary-artery-blowout figures in that list. Oh look, that was easy to find:

    Heart Disease 1-in-5
    Cancer 1-in-7
    Stroke 1-in-23
    Burst blood vessel from rage caused by reading R Cohen inanities in WaPo: 1-in-30

    http://www.livescience.com/environment/050106_odds_of_dying.html

  • Alex_P

    [re=506189]bitchincamaro[/re]: Can you truly muster the childlike wonderment, though? It’s not something you can fake.

    I think I figured it out…
    Richard Cohen has a movie-amnesia thing like that girl in that Adam Sandler movie. He can’t make new memories so, every day, he starts fresh, pretty much reliving the same day! Except instead of it being the day he goes out with Adam Sandler it is the day he discovers the existence of women and/or brown people (he only writes about the women when he doesn’t see any brown people the whole day). That is why his explorations are so sincere!

    And, yes, that means he is one of God’s children, a precious angel! Are you one of God’s children? I didn’t think so. That is why you do not get to collect a paycheck from the Washington Post.

  • germansteel

    Richard Cohen, Grampa Simpson personified, is unable to remember how he vouched for the WMD of Saddam Hussein, and how he lectured us lesser ‘Murkins that we simply had to go to war with Iraq for the security of the U S of A, because of his senile dementia.

    But, I do.

  • Joshua Norton

    Hey Richard. Two words for what ails you:

    Sake. Bombs.

    KAMPAI!

  • DustBowlBlues

    [re=506161]SayItWithWookies[/re]: “trial there would give KSM, as he is called, a second shot at devastating downtown New York.”

    Because Osama Bin Laden would dress up like a Girl Scout and slip an explosive file into KSM’s birthday cake? WTF? Does he not understand that they, like, search these guys and their cells in solitary confinement and shit? Does he really think this clown is going to order cherry bombs off the intertubes and lob them at New Yorkers as he sashays down the sidewalk toward the courtroom?

    Let’s face it: If Holder had said, “Ship his ass off to Bagram, waterboard him another 168 times then try him in secret without a defense and kill him before the verdict’s in,” the Republics would be screaming like little girls and yelling, “Why is the president ashamed of our legal system?”

    Just say No! to the Party of No.

  • Capitol Hillbilly

    Richard Cohen has single-handedly driven the Washington Post to the edge of bankruptcy.

    I wrote it so it must be true.

  • snideinplainsight

    He’s just a beautiful, beautiful person. One of God’s little angels.

  • Mr Blifil

    Concern columnist is concerned. Noted.

  • El Pinche

    Dick, keep fucking that retarded midget.

  • snideinplainsight

    Wikipedia, Richard Cohen: “He received unflattering public attention in 1987 when it became public knowledge that he was having an affair with Kati Marton, the wife of ABC News anchorman Peter Jennings.[13]”

    I am shocked, shocked I tell you! Shocked that a woman who was actually living would have an affair with Richard Cohen!

  • snideinplainsight

    No wonder that Peter Jennings is so ice-cold and British-sounding.

  • JMP

    [re=506214]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Oh, it’s worse than that; apparently Cohen knows that the only way to prevent the Al Qaeda Revenge Squad of Evil, (with apparent assistance from Magneto, the Joker and Doctor Doom) from storming the trial is by making security so tight that all of lower Manhattan would be closed off. I am not kidding; he actually said:

    “cordoning off much of Lower Manhattan and placing a security perimeter around the financial district not only would cost something like $200 million a year but also would destroy the economy of the area”

  • bitchincamaro

    [re=506211]Alex_P[/re]: Nah, I guess you’re right. I’m just pleased to be able to get through one good dump without little kids or wifey trying to break the door down.

  • imissopus

    [re=506161]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I didn’t believe that sentence was actually in there and had to go to the article to see for myself. Then I laughed. Then I cried a little. Then I registered just so I could tell him he is an enormous pussy.

  • thesheriffisnear

    [re=506138]Hooray For Anything[/re]: I think he looks like Harlan Sanders, a dweebish, pussified, Harlan Sanders. (With apologies to Harlan Sanders who was a salty, down-to-earth man’s man.) Which Cohen most certainly is not.

  • ericblair

    [re=506153]Prommie[/re]: Favorite comment.

  • ericblair

    [re=506200]Scaggsville guy[/re]: 1860s.

  • ericblair

    [re=506232]snideinplainsight[/re]: Plus dead.

  • Katydid

    Meh. As my father always, said, those Kohens, they think their shit don’t stink. He also said that about the Sephardim, too, though.

    On the plus side, while the kohanim think they’re high and mighty, and they don’t have to retire, certain physical blemishes can sideline ’em, including lameness, certain types of boils and crushed testicles. I ain’t inciting bupkus, I’m just sayin’.

  • Rotundo

    [re=506273]thesheriffisnear[/re]: Throw in Kellogg from the movie “The Road To Wellville” for the demented demeanor (5 gallons of oatmeal? I can’t eat that!-It ain’t goin in that end sonny!!) and a dash of Roy Cohn paranoia and I think it would be close. But definitely Harlans’ glasses and hair…

  • S.Luggo

    “A military tribunal would fir [cock-bomber] fine. If it is good enough for your average GI accused of murder or some such thing, it ought to be good enough for a foreign national with mass murder on his mind.”

    Conclusions:
    1. We can Cheney-board GIs any damn time we want. Ret up that bunk, soldier, or else.
    2. We should draft Muslim terror-monkeys, then kill them.

  • EdFlinstone

    So have many muslims do we have to kill to make Dickie feel safe? Is just Yemen OK and do we need another double war, say Yemen and Iran?

  • desertwind

    Isn’t he sorta late to the party? Isn’t this old news? Like how DOJ has been sayin’ they’re probably NOT gonna have the trial in NYC because blah blah & worry not worth the hassle?

  • doxastic

    Good night sweet prince, and flights of Daniel Pipes sing the to thy rest.

  • schvitzatura

    [re=506291]Katydid[/re]: The Flavian crew from Rome took the kohanim down a notch or two (or three) in 66 BCE … the Kohens have not had a moment of peace since, poor Dick.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, look:

    Christmas Day bombing suspect Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab has been providing FBI interrogators with useful intelligence about his training and contacts since last week, a law enforcement source said Tuesday.

    Apparently telling a suspect he has rights doesn’t remove every single option from law enforcement. Somehow they still manage to use some leverage to get suspects to talk. Maybe our fucking representatives would know this if they didn’t keep getting their goddamn fucking law enforcement intelligence from fucking 24. And hell we’re not talking deep analytical commitment here — there are fifty other cop shows out there, and most of them sit down with a suspect who tells them something at least once an episode. And yet the GOP has never clamored for this world’s Vincent D’Onofrios to be drafted into interrogations — it’s like deep down they’re not interested in justice so much as they are in beating an Arab to death. But I probably think that because I hate White America.

  • Mad Brahms

    [re=506471]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Do you remember that article where the terrorist was won over with cookies? I can’t seem to find it anymore, but yeah, cookies. So in other words, D’Onofrio might be optimal, but even Martha Stewart is more effect than the Keifer approach.

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