Casual warmonger Daniel Pipes is as serious about this as he is that mustache.
The best reason to bomb Iran—the best reason to do anything at all—is for good publicity. It’s the same mentality was instrumental in convincing Daniel Pipes’ mustache to grow a human.
“He needs a dramatic gesture to change the public perception of him as a light-weight, bumbling ideologue, preferably in an arena where the stakes are high, where he can take charge, and where he can trump expectations.”
…and it’s the same rationale that George W. Bush invoked in deciding to do 9/11:
“Just as 9/11 caused voters to forget George W. Bush’s meandering early months, a strike on Iranian facilities would dispatch Obama’s feckless first year down the memory hole and transform the domestic political scene. It would sideline health care, prompt Republicans to work with Democrats, and make the netroots squeal, independents reconsider, and conservatives swoon.”
If Obama bombed Iran, it could be as successful as 9/11, if not more so.
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{ 98 comments }
Why not just cut to the chase and bomb New York, then?
Jesus Christ.
This guy is fucking retarded. /Rahm
Kill ‘em all like Jesus would God dammit! Wow that felt so conservative and I have a hard-on.
Shorter Pipes: The very idea of Obama bombing Iran gives me a raging boner. *fap fap fap fap fap*
That pic looks like a hobo dressed up in a suit, but then I read the text and realized your average hobo writes more lucidly.
You first, chickenhawk. Show us what a real man is like by riding a nuke dropping onto Tehran like Major Kong from Dr Strangelove.
war. it’s always war with these nuts. that always solves everything.
“Bomb Iran” could also top the Billboard singles charts and launch an international music career for Obama. A twofer!
Bomb, bomb, bomb,
Bomb, bomb Iran
ooh, ooh, eeeee
Maybe Mr. Pipes should look up the words he uses; this is the very first time I’ve heard of any public perception of Obama as a “lightweight, bumbling ideologue”; it’s a view confined to the right-wing fringe.
But hey, it seems so strange that he should suggest that Obama address the imaginary crisis in his presidency by doing exactly what conservatives want. Of course, he’s wrong in saying it would make conservatives swoon; if he attacked Iran, everyone who has called for it would immediately find some angle to attack it, because Obama was the one to do it. Remember “no blood for Monica”?
[re=505856]Jim Demintia[/re]: Hey, worked for Ozymandius
“He needs a dramatic gesture to change the public perception of him as a light-weight, bumbling ideologue, preferably in an arena where the stakes are high, where he can take charge, and where he can trump expectations.”
Flashback to August 2001? I mean, really, project much, wingnut?
So let’s imagine that the CIA sends in a covert team to grab-up some guy from Iran and then the President publicly introduces this guy to America at a special press conference.
“My fellow Americans, this man is a janitor who works in an office section of a nuclear research complex in Iran. We’re thinking of bombing that site and because of the hours thin man works he would almost certainly be there when the bombs fell and he’d certainly be killed. So, I’m thinking we’ll just skip the bombing part and I’ll just shoot the fucker in the head myself. Who’s a light-weight now, bitches?”
Would that work?
A day without a conservative retard calling for the bombing of Iran is like a day without sunshine.
Or is it like a day without a fucking retard calling for the slaughter of innocent people?
I think I saw that guy in a tag-team Texas Deathmatch, once. He was having a chair broken over his face.
Do love the implication that Bushco “did” 9/11, though.
oh danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling. that’s all i got.
Bombing brown people is always good for PR. When I farted on my fourth grade classmates, they rejoiced and made me emperor.
he should bomb Iran with airplanes made out of the twin towers shaped like giant penises. 9-11!! USA USA USA!!
Hell yeah! The radiation released from the explosions would create giant Iranian desert monsters that would knock over Dubai Towers and star in FOX reality shows.
Win, win and win.
Idiot.
Better yet (and probably cheaper in the short run): have Iran bomb the United States! History will repeat itself as a gruesome farce.
[re=505856]Jim Demintia[/re]:
Dallas. Give NYC a break, they took it last go round.
[re=505870]joezoo[/re]: Too late; McCain already tried that.
[re=505878]Way Cool Larry[/re]: These idiots don’t realize (or else don’t care) that bombing Iran would work for their ruling regime just like 9/11 did for Bush. So much for support for the dissidents.
Regarding the polls he cites, they didn’t really frame the question objectively. The respondents should have been asked:
How would you like, in gross violation of international law, to start a war in which you or your kids slog around a country three times the size of Iraq for a couple of decades, killing and being killed, for the benefit of the Israelis, and for which your ass will be taxed off?
[re=505875]Ruhe[/re]: Meh. Needs more Negro Dialect.
Yeah, great idea, what with the great track record the US has had in Iran. Remember 1953, when we got rid of Mosaddegh, and the Shah made everything alright after that…oh, uh, scratch that.
But in 1980, there was the Operation Eagle Claw, when we successfully rescued the American hostages…um, oops, forget that.
But now, we know where *all* of Iran’s potential nuclear sites are, and they are all easily accessible to our bombers, and it’s not as if we have any Americans serving next door in Iraq against whom the Iranians could retaliate…d’oh!
Then again, this is the kind of logic I expect from a man who *Christopher Hitchens* describes as “not a man of peace:”
http://www.slate.com/id/2086844/
He needs a dramatic gesture
Well, he’s right about that.
I say we outfit Biden with a suicide vest and send him into the Senate. I’d miss ol Joe, but if ever an organization needed a “dramatic gesture”, it’d be those clowns.
Yes, war is always the answer. ::rolls eyes::
“change the public perception of him as a light-weight, bumbling ideologue”
Yeah, right. Change that public perception to heavy-weight raging lunatic.
I should add: War AND tax cuts is the repuke’s answer to every problem ever. Also.
If my memory serves me correctly, I’d swear this Pipes guy is the one guy working at the Pentagon during the Cheney presidency who disproved conclusively by his very existence that Tommy Franks was wrong when he said Douglas Feith was the dumbest fucking person in the world.
Further, I saith not.
It amazes me that a guy can publish an article casually calling for the murder of hundreds — thousands — of people and still be considered respectable and serious, but if I fuck a goat who was totally into it, I’m some sort of horrid deviant. Er, just as a random example.
[re=505859]MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend[/re]: Leave Trig Alone!!!1!
Stupid Pipes, he forgot part 2 of the dramatic gesture: Tax Cuts!!!!eleventyone!
Yeah, cuz nothing screams “I’m not a bumbling ideologue” like invading a country for no reason, with zero contingency planning, and zero exit strategy.
Iran is finally reverting domestically back to where it was before the Bush admin’s warmongering sent the crazy Iranian right wing’s domestic political capital into the stratosphere. Being a conservative means being incapable of turning your idiotic plans around and noticing that you are expecting a foreign people to politically react 180° off from how you strategize that ours will react.
Bad facial hair is one of the three species markers of Wingnuttus Americanus, the other two being obesity and pedophilia.
[re=505905]DirtyHarriett[/re]: Now, not always; they have in fact come out against the middle-class tax cuts in Obama’s budget proposal. Funny that.
And, remember, they were against both intervention in the former Yugoslavia and attempts to attack Al Qaeda & Osama bin Laden after the embassy bombings in 1998.
Wonder what those things have in common…
Lightweight and bumbling ideologue? Boy does this guy have his presidents confused. I’ll chalk it up to sour grapes about the previous 8 years, and perhaps a touch of the ‘Heimers.
[re=505920]JMP[/re]: I think I got it….aw, forget it. I can’t even snark! Damn these fucking retards!!! Damn them!
Kind of surprising the NRO has survived all these years without WFB.
Onion, you’ve done it again. Love their humor.
Wait, what? Seriously?
Never mind.
In 2003, George W. Ferret appointed Pipes (pronounced “san-toh-rum”) to the board of the U.S. Institute of Peace.
And after reading the NRO article, it clear to me why.
I knew it! This dude hangs is hat at the Hoover Institution. Goddam if that place isn’t filled with the stupidest motherfucking people on the planet.
The read we get on the people of Iran is there is no question but that they want to get rid of their nuclear facilities and they will welcome as liberators the United States when we come to do that.
[re=505899]Allyson[/re]: If you picture this guy with horns and a red cape, you’d have it about right.
Every time I have the misfortune of gazing upon Daniel Pipes, I think “DAMN! Emperor Ming went corporate!”
Heh. In the spirit of the coming holiday of St Valentines, why not atomize a few thousand Iranians in the name of freedom. Yes, Mr Pipes, that wouldn’t be feckless at all.
“Eventually, they [the towel heads] could launch an electromagnetic pulse attack on the United States”
Oooo, already my private parts are feeling all tingly. Bring it on!
Bomb Iran!! Yeah! Great idea!! America! Fuck yeah!!!
Gotta admit, there is some deep, dark, scary spot in my soul that responds favorably to this.
We are freakin’ doomed.
“needs a dramatic gesture”
Isn’t that what Bluto said in Animal House?
Why be so selective? If we bomb ALL other countries into non-existence, that will show Americans that Obama is serious about addressing our Domestic Policy issues.
Finally, someone has the guts to say that Obama’s first priority should be making conservatives SWOON.
Remember, Bush nominated Daniel Pipes to the fucking United States Institute of Peace. So anytime we whiny libtards complain about Nobama, let’s keep things in perspective.
[re=505897]WadISay[/re]: Are saying the protecting Israel should not be the primary objective of American foreign policy?
Pipes is the asshole Bush had to recess appoint to the United States Institute of Peace (he could not get his nomination approved due to saying stupid shit about Muslims with alarming frequency). Between that and being involved in “Campus Watch”, I know the reason he wants Iran to be hit and it rhymes with “Israel”.
[re=505898]Snarkalicious[/re]: Sorry. I’m at work and I left my ebonics to english dictionary at home.
“A light-weight, bumbling ideologue?” If Pipes wants to change that public perception of himself, he might try shutting the fuck up. Nobody cares what this lunatic says except his paymasters. And his mother.
The other (only?) reason he wants to see Iran get shat upon is because it would really please Israel, which is where his true allegiance lies. Why don’t Israel-firsters like Pipes live there? It would seem the patriotic thing to do. But then this really ain’t about patriotism so much as it’s about posing as a patriot, is it, Daniel?
Guys like Pipes gave the world Son Of Bush. Obama should listen to this twatwaffle because……?
“It would sideline healthcare…” You mean my doctor appointment tomorrow is canceled? But my ankle really hurts!
[re=505958]glamourdammerung[/re]: Until today, I had never even heard of the United States Institute of Peace.
All I could think of was Orwell’s Misistry of Truth.
How prophetic.
How to Save the Obama Presidency:
Bomb Warmongers
“He needs a dramatic gesture to change the public perception of him as a light-weight, bumbling ideologue, preferably in an arena where the stakes are high, where he can take charge, and where he can trump expectations. Just as 9/11 caused voters to forget George W. Bush’s meandering early months, a strike on Fox News would dispatch Obama’s feckless first year down the memory hole and transform the domestic political scene. It would sideline health care, prompt Republicans to die and make the netroots cream, independents pick a damn side, and conservatives die.”
I think when this guy mentions memory holes, he’s saying he took 1984 as an instructional guide.
[re=505976]proudgrampa[/re]: Ministry. Jesus Christ.
[re=505872]JMP[/re]: I’m amazed that the right wing thinks that they could possibly use the word “bumbling” for the next six or seven years without ANYONE thinking immediately of Dubya. It should be one of those words that they ban from discourse in order to avoid reminding everyone just how completely fucking retarded our last commander in chief was.
It’s certainly a new milestone in an American politics when the suggestion that the best way for a kid to get out of taking a test is to burn down the school while it’s in session is repackaged as insightful political advice for the POTUS in a major circulation magazine.
Wag the Ayatollah!!
[re=505986]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: “They” being “conservatives”, of course. We should keep using it as much as possible, so that the fucking retardation of our cuntry is NEVAR FORGETTEN!
So, basically Daniel Pipes is as insane as he is disingenuous. How does this ocunt as politics news again?
SRSLY: Does anybody else remember how the wingnuts reacted the last time a black president bombed a country starting with “Ira_” during a time that was domestically unhappy?
Yeah. I’m sure things would go much better this time around.
Incidentally, does anybody else feel the urge to play Daniel Pipes Foreign Policy Mad Libs?
How to ___verb___ the ___noun___:
Bomb Iran.
&c.
Mars, bitches!
When a problem comes along.
You must bomb it.
Jump! Jump! Jump!
Splat
Oh my, that’s terrible.
Why would he do that?
Look over there.. Something sparkely..
[re=505875]Ruhe[/re]: OH!
That’s got “pay-per-view” written all over it. No reason to let Sister Sarai monopolize the “Milking the Rubes” franchise.
[re=505880]Crank Tango[/re]: Sure, and that’s plenty enough for the likes o’ me, dontcha know!
[re=505958]glamourdammerung[/re]: [re=505897]WadISay[/re]: Uh-oh. You guys said “Israel” and “Israelis.” Now Rahm has to call you both a common fucktard, or whatever got Sarah’s diapers in such a bunch.
Daniel Pipes may, in the words of Blackadder, “look like a monkey that’s been dressed in a suit and then strategically shaved,” but don’t let’s start insulting monkeys or we’ll make Darwin cry.
Is it a good thing or a bad thing that political commentator and politicians themselves aren’t screened for psychosis?
Thanks, Dan. Please finish the rest of your medication.
Ooh yeah, stay crazy NRO. We love you like this.
[re=505967]Canuckledragger[/re]: Why don’t Israel-firsters like Pipes live there? It would seem the patriotic thing to do.
Probably due to it becoming a real shithole. Spending all their money on their fundie nutjobs has resulted in Israel being the only Western nation that is going backwards on education levels, literacy, etc.
This would definitely be good news for John McCain.
Holy shit, it’s worse than I thought. Not only was 9/11 an inside job, there is a wingnut fringe that knows that and is O.K. with it.
[re=505900]dijetlo[/re]: You are theoretically strapping a bomb to the wrong Joe.
HEY GOD!
Put that in your Pipes and smote it!
[re=505909]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: how exactly would you know the goat “was totally in it?”
Love the inverted Orwell reference. Tossing inconvenient facts down the memory hole during an expedient war orgy is a good thing. Will Obama thrill us all by declaring ACORN unpersons?
Do enough trolling of the interwebs and quickly discover how multitudinous shitheads like this are. They’re like roaches in a Chinese IHOP.
okay, besides his obvious asshatism, aren’t we already broke and have no military to speak of? I’m confused. I wonder how many shares he has in Blackwater…
Worked for McCain. Oh, wait…
“Aw, Mom, do you hafta just walk in here all the time without knocking first? Sometimes a guy needs some privacy!”
[re=505918]Tommmcatt[/re]: As a beard-wearer, I’d like to point out that professor Pipes’ “bad facial hair” isn’t his beard, but rather his über-evil eyebrows. Hell, they’d even make somebody like Albert Schweitzer look evil. Ick.
“No, I just wrote this article about a foreign policy initiative the President should consider. Seriously! I wasn’t tossing off to anything, I swear!”
Don’t any of these asswipes know that nukes take all the fun out of war?
Oh my…
So the best way for an incompetent president to raise his poll numbers is to attack some country overseas. I dunno, that seems a little like a movie I once saw. Lemme remember, Clinton wagged the dog in the Balkans, Reagan wagged the dog in Grenada, Bush the Elder wagged the dog in the Persian Gulf and Bush the Dumber wagged the dog in Iraq. But none of these idiots was dumb enough (even Bush the Dumber) to bomb a country with potential nuclear capabilities.
Where is Sarah Palin on this? What about our men and women on the front lines? Should Obama put them in harm’s way just to raise his poll numbers? She needs to speak out about this immediately! Get the two bloggers who write her facebook status updates to post RIGHT NOW! Didn’t Hitler invade Poland to raise his poll numbers? And Stalin, I’m sure Stalin invaded the Baltics to raise his! And besides all that, Obama can’t attack Iran! It’s the only country Sarah can name that isn’t in Europe! We must preserve Iran until Sarah is elected and needs to wag her own dog! I mean, really, she can’t have us bombing France can she? Can she???
What he should do is deputize the Crips and the Bloods and send them out to visit the opposition in business and government and say, “We’re with the negroes,” then arrest them and then hold fifteen minute hearings before shooting the bastards.
Am I the only person around here who doesn’t have any regard for human life?! Jeez!!!
but do we have the iranian ahmed chalabi????
certainly we will need one to make the beginnings of a fragile political process get fucked up.
Thanks for the great idea Pipes. Choke on poison rat dicks.
I hope the reinvigorated NY Sun brings this intellectual titan back to their electronic pages.
That’s Dumpster Dan. He is a hobo near my home. He spelunks dumpsters for food and other valuable merchandise. And yes, he is a conservative.
Bomb the whole country or just the places where people live?
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