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Candy Crowley Is Your New John King!

Which is to say, your old Lou Dobbs!John King! He is that CNN guy who hosts that thing, and he’s married to whatsername! And now he is departing that thing to host some other thing, leaving behind a bleeding wound in the heart of CNN’s Sunday morning programming. Naturally, this is all the fault of the orange-headed former Mexican-hating space entrepreneur, Lou Dobbs.

Dobbs used to have a program on at 7pm, but then he left quite suddenly to pursue his first love, ballet. So now John King will have Lou Dobbs’ old show, and Candy Crowley will have John King’s old show, “State of the Union.” Have you ever seen this show? Of course not! Nobody has! But if it’s on CNN, chances are it features Wolf Blitzer combing ranch dressing into his beard and telling Jessica Yellin that she’s a hologram now.

Candy Crowley is actually, as CNN personalities go, a tolerable human and a decent reporter, so she will probably be fired soon, the end.

Crowley to Anchor Sunday Talk Show on CNN [New York Times]

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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83 comments

  1. V572625694

    Thought Candy had lost quite a bit of heft lately. Must’ve been in her contract. Everything’ll be fine on that show as long as they have features about Howie Kurtz twatting w/Mariel Hemingway.

  2. Monsieur Grumpe

    Dobb’s sex change went rather well. I’m not sayin’ I’d hit it, but I’m not sayin’ I wouldn’t.

  3. JMP

    Just as long as she promises to invite John McCain and/or Joe Lieberman on every week, just like every single other Sunday talk show.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    Hopefully they’ll keep Respiratory Virus Candy away from the guests.

    Actually, of all the host-porters at CNN, she’s the most tolerable.

  5. thesheriffisnear

    Candy, being named Candy is ironic in the way Delta Burke was named Delta; seeing as she is shaped like the Greek letter Delta, as is Candy.

  6. mumblyjoe

    [re=505074]JMP[/re]: Don’t forget Newt Gingrich, the most important person who Left Politics In Disgrace, Twelve Years Ago.

  7. dijetlo

    What the hell is this?
    Talent?
    Do you think people are going to tune in to watch her “talent” jiggling around inside a bra two sizes too small?
    Are they going to try to look up her short, tight skirt in hopes of seeing a little bit of her “talent” peeking out?
    For the love of Christ, CNN, no wonder Olbermann wipes his ass with you guy! Get a damn stripper up there and stop fucking around!

    Sincerely,

    Minor stockholders of CNN

  8. OReillysVibrator

    Fat people named Candy, I love it.

    Anyway, this woman lives in the alternate reality world the media creates, where nonsense issues demand their full attention because the media says its important and politicians agree. She should go away.

  9. thesheriffisnear

    [re=505095]Ducksworthy[/re]: You can never have too much candy unless its candy corn, root beer barrels and Bolster Bars, which no one eats. We’ve discussed this before.

  10. Aflac Shrugged

    After all those unheralded years of being the best voice in Wilson Phillips, she deserves this chance.

  11. Way Cool Larry

    I’ve never cared for her reporting, not to mention that she is rather unpleasant to look at– so I’m not sure why anyone thought it would be a good idea to have her anchor a show

  12. El Pinche

    I’m happy Chris Farley’s brother (Chris Farley Too?) got a gig doing his bro’s drag bit.

    God Bless You and Good Luck !!!

  13. Studebaker Hoch

    Saying that Candy is the most tolerable of the CNN bobble heads is like saing that the clap is the most tolerable venereal disease.

  14. JMP

    [re=505106]Way Cool Larry[/re]: She’s somewhat dull, presents news as politics as a he said / she said conflict without ever pointing out when one group is lying, and a baby boomer. In other words, just like every other CNN host, except female.

  15. El Pinche

    [re=505106]Way Cool Larry[/re]: You shallow, shallow fucker.

    Actually and sadly, this is why Shelly Winters of CNN will fail. I watch the BBC and Al Jazeera and there isn’t a boner in the room, but at least my news is pure and objective.

  16. Snarko Marx

    Candy has slimmed down a bit the last few years. I guess I should probably stop calling her “John Candy Crowley”. Of course, he’s slimmed down considerably…no, nevermind.

  17. Mr Blifil

    What?? Candy Crowley is a fucking monster who could not have been more sanctimonious and acrid whenever the subject of Al Gore or Hillary Clinton used to come up, and gave Bush a free ride for every minute of those 8 lost years. Fuck her and her brain-dead sister, only don’t actually, because they are probably freaks in bed.

  18. Ruhe

    I’m not familiar with John King so based on your headline I assumed that Candy was John’s “altered” persona.

  19. JMP

    [re=505124]El Pinche[/re]: Yeah; as annoying as Crowley’s dullness can be, at least she knows what she’s talking about, unlike Fox’s many cookie-cutter bottle-blond silicon-breasted female anchors, all of whom are either complete ditzy morons or pretend to be.

  20. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=505128]Mr Blifil[/re]: Well, she’s got a stripper’s name and loves to dig out the most polarizing angle on any story, so why isn’t she on Fox news, instead?

    (checks photo)

    Oh, right. Def not Fox News material.

  21. proudgrampa

    [re=505120]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Man, did THAT bring back memories. I can’t even look at those things any more without being almost overcome by a terrible wave of nausea. Just thinking about them makes my teeth hurt!

    Why (you may ask)?

    I damn near OD’d on a bag of them when I was a kid. Sick for HOURS.

  22. PsycGirl

    [re=505110]Prommie[/re]: Seriously, I reconsidered my marriage briefly when my husband ate a couple of those. He reassured me that he was only after the sugar.

  23. Egregious

    She is a well qualified and smart reporter. I’d say she has 4 weeks before CNN replaces with a blonde and buxom communications major from USC or a feces throwing knuckle dragger (aka angry white dude).

  24. thesheriffisnear

    [re=505110]Prommie[/re]: …and those gawdawful marshmallow peeps that will be out in a few weeks for Easter. Ugh.

    [re=505137]TGY[/re]: But does she have a big German Shepherd?

  25. PsycGirl

    [re=505110]Prommie[/re]: Wait. Nutlike in appearance? Cloying? Nausea-inducing in small quantities? Abnormal color?
    If we are ever called on to send mass quantities of protest material, in the RedState rock salt manner, to the Palin campaign, circus peanuts would be perfect.

  26. Monsieur Grumpe

    [re=505142]proudgrampa[/re]:
    I once sent a bag to a friend as a gag gift. Get it? Gag?
    Sorry.

    [re=505147]PsycGirl[/re]:
    Genius idea!

  27. thesheriffisnear

    [re=505147]PsycGirl[/re]: Well, since “Boner” looks like a giant Circus Peanut he’s the most deserving recipient of the mass quantities you referenced.

  28. Way Cool Larry

    [re=505124]El Pinche[/re]: heh. Well if they are going to put her in front of the camera, either make her good looking or a good and/or interesting reporter. She fails at both.

  29. thesheriffisnear

    [re=505154]Prommie[/re]: I recall we had this same conversation three months ago. How did we get away from the main topic, Mama Cass? Anyway, would a wingnut eat a Zagnut?

  30. Sharkey

    [re=505137]TGY[/re]: I think that means she only eats steak once per week. And of course, chicken, pork, and fish are vegetables.

  31. snideinplainsight

    PLS eds could we have a thread where we can mock Ross Do-that and his sex-ed column in the NYTimes this morning?

  32. Oldskool

    She seems to be have a much better grasp of politics than most tv reporters. I’m out of the loop, per usual.

  33. Rev. Peter Lemonjello

    Somewhere, Jeanne Moos is sobbing quietly while reading our Wonkette…..to her many many cats.

  34. Humpback

    I misread the headline, thinking she was our new King John. Then I could not fathom how the revolution had failed so dismally.

  35. RoscoePColtraine

    Candy Crowley first came to my attention when she was assigned to cover the Dole ’96 campaign. I grew to dislike her reporting then for not seeing the obvious fact that Dole was losing (we all knew) and by treating him like he actually was in the race to win. To my mind, she WANTED him to win. And I never forgave her. Even to this day.

  36. Gorillionaire

    Crowley is just another Republican troll. If her gig gets axed it will be because the world of television already has a glut of Republican trolls posing as journalists.
    Taibbi has a pretty devastating account of Crowley stuffing her face with free cookies on the 2004 campaign bus talking to him with her mouth full about how she can’t stand Kucinich because she thought he was “too ugly”.

  37. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=505178]Gorillionaire[/re]: Haha. Pieces of food coming out of her mouth every time she says a word beginning with ‘b’ or ‘p’ I’ll guess.

  38. Fish Hawk Road

    Candy “Cane” Crowley, meh. Maybe they can put a pole next to her and she can swing around without bending it every time she blinks with joy at a Republican. Oh wait, Fux already has Palin doing that dance, damn.

  39. UncleTom

    Three observations…how can we take this person as a serious news anchor?

    1) Candy frankly sounds like a stripper-name.

    2) She certainly appears to be a woman and everyone knows that being news anchors require you to either have a penis or a be a bimbo. The name Candy is clearly a Bimbo name, but she looks awful butch. Does anyone know if maybe she is trying to hit both qualifications “has penis” & “is a bimbo”?

    3) Did you notice that the necklace has some sort of Egyptian thing on it and Egypt as everyone knows is a Muslin country, so does that mean she is a secret terrorist?

  40. Ruhe

    [re=505146]thesheriffisnear[/re]: You take the marshmallow peeps and roast them gently over a camp fire and the result is a very convincing trailer-park simulation of creme brule. No kidding. You’ve got to heat them just until the sugar coating glazes over and caramelizes a bit. Try it and be amazed.

  41. Aloysius

    [re=505187]UncleTom[/re]:
    I think the cartouche around her neck says, “Sweet Nothing.” I, for one, cannot see how I could possibly rest until I have seen her in a black tank-top bearing the same logo.

  42. proudgrampa

    [re=505187]UncleTom[/re]: Maybe she is a descendant of Aleister Crowley.

    From Wikipedia:

    Crowley had a revelatory experience in 1904, while on holiday in Cairo, Egypt, which led to his founding of the Magickal philosophy known as Thelema. Aleister’s wife Rose started to behave in an odd way, and this started to lead Aleister to believe that an entity had made contact with her. At her instructions, he performed an invocation of the Egyptian God Horus on 20 March with (he wrote) “great success.” According to Crowley, the god told him that a new Aeon for mankind had begun, and that Crowley would serve as its prophet. Rose continued to give information, telling Crowley in detailed terms to await a further revelation. On 8 April and for the following two days at exactly noon he heard a voice, dictating the words of the text, Liber AL vel Legis, or The Book of the Law, which Crowley wrote down. The voice claimed to be that of Aiwass (or Aiwaz) “the minister of Hoor-paar-kraat”, or Horus, the god of air, child of Isis and Osiris and The Crowned and Conquering Child of the New Aeon, which was to be announced through his chosen scribe “the prince-priest the Beast”.

    This could be serious!

  43. assistant/atlas

    I used to like Candy Crowley, but she’s gotten dumber as she’s gotten thinner. Or maybe that’s just CNN. Either way, BRING BACK SUPERFAT CANDY CROWLEY!

  44. thesheriffisnear

    [re=505196]Ruhe[/re]: That may be so Frugal Gourmet but can you make candy corn palatable, huh?

  45. engulfedinflames

    [re=505221]thesheriffisnear[/re]: Place under couch cushion or at bottom of purse; allow to age while gathering a fine patina of lint; smoke a bowl; repeat… treasure hunt.

  46. lawrenceofthedesert

    Not only has she dropped a few pounds, but cured the awful case of Helmet Hair she got as a starting offensive tackle for Notre Dame.

  47. wagonjak

    Candy is a bobble-headed villager who’s never had an intelligent or penetrating thought of her own…granted she’s a bit of an improvement over the oily, pompous assh*le John King, but why can’t we have some new young political face…why do they keep recycling the same old tired insiders again and again?

  48. Jukesgrrl

    [re=505144]Egregious[/re]: The new Miss America is a “broadcast journalism major.” (I guess that means half her courses are about make-up application and magic holograms.) As soon as her “reign” is complete, she will be replacing Candy (she can’t work at FOX since her tan is not spray-on).

  49. the4thpip

    I never quite forgave her for the “green tea moment” idiocy.
    When a cancer survivor order green tea, it’s not elitism, Candy, darling.

  50. This Cat

    Hang on, John King Married Dana Bash and she made him give up his motorcycle and he TeeVee show?
    Did he at least get to keep the magic blackboard-for sex purposes?

  51. crapshooter102

    Wait a minute, John King married Dana Bash? Whom did they divorce before they married, Candy Crowley and Rush Limbaugh? I’d say they divorced up and married down.

Comments are closed.