When ‘Change’ Happens, Things Get Weird

By the Comics Curmudgeon
You know, a little more than a year ago, we elected a dude for president whose whole campaign hinged on the word “change.” It was almost like Americans actually wanted things to be different, though of course that turned out not to be true at all, since it turns out that everything was already pretty awesome! But some Americans you’d never expect really took the change message to heart. They took a long, hard look at what they had been doing, and decided maybe to mix it up a bit. Who are these suddenly change-embracing thrill seekers?

Surprise! It’s the Republican Party, who have reimagined themselves as some kind of weird, smock-wearing cult. Instead of plotting to lower taxes and bomb people as is their wont, they all put on loose-fitting muumuus and wandered the land, ingesting copious amounts of acid in the process, and bellowing nonsense phrases at baffled passersby. Far from alienating the voters, this aberrant behavior actually engaged them, making them believe that they were participating in some kind of nationwide performance art piece or situationist prank. Naturally, what with Americans’ well known love of avant garde whimsy, they voted Republican in droves!

Having once again seized power, the Republicult was ready for the next step in their diabolical plan. Using the dark, evil magic that they had spent their 13 months in the wilderness perfecting, they summoned up from the bowels of hell itself the damned soul of their greatest president, Calvin Coolidge. Coolidge’s shade was used to animate a ghastly doll, which barked forth the demonic orders in a hideous voice that the cultists had no choice buy to slavishly obey.

Of course, obeying the orders of some nightmarish demon-thing is nothing new for Republicans, but their dedication to change wasn’t just skin deep. For instance, after Scott Brown was elected to the Senate, he realized that his seat of power really belonged to the public, and so, in a blow for direct democracy, allowed the people themselves to serve as Senator! As this cartoon makes clear, by “the people” we of course mean “the well-dressed white people,” because, you know, Republicans, duh.

(By the way, confidential to cartoonists everywhere: Scott Brown is extremely boring-looking. The only way to draw him such that he will be instantly recognizable is to make him naked, and spend copious amounts of time illustrating his lustrous pubic hair.)

Meanwhile, while the Republicans were letting all hell break loose (literally), the Supreme Court heroically freed poor oppressed corporations from the terrible speechless dungeon where they had been imprisoned by McCain-Feingold! With this miscarriage of justice finally behind them, these soulless entities began to take their rightful place in the national conversation once again. Unfortunately, because they had been marginalized for so long, they were dressed in unfashionable clothes from the late ’90s and used enormous primitive “boom-boxes” instead of modern-day music technology like iPods. So everyone laughed at them and no one took their political opinions seriously, no matter how much they spent.

Down in Florida, Charlie Crist was very keen to reproduce the teabagging success of his northern compatriots. If you don’t understand how this resulted in him ending up in Disney World’s most notoriously vomit-inducing ride, wattle-deep in his own sick and attempting to auto-erotically asphyxiate himself with a dry cleaning bag, well, you just don’t understand how Florida politics works, my friend. Fortunately, Crist’s thick, leathery skin protected him from harm.

In unrelated news, in China, Uncle Sam and the Google are wrestling with a giant double-headed dildo.