quite easily

How Andrew Young Found That John Edwards Boning Tape

Mill...mill...millHey, here’s a hilarious way to get someone to find your secret, life/career/marriage-ruining sex tape that you filmed with a minor Jay McInerney character: lazily and shadily unwind some of the tape and label it “SPECIAL.” Because no one will want to quickly put it back together and watch it!

John Edwards’ former slave Andrew Young, who is just obliterating his old boss’ pathetic life with nuclear bombs in public, will appear on an episode of 20/20 either tonight or tomorrow, and no one will watch it, which is why why have Internet previews and copy-paste functions!

He details how he and wife Cheri briefly returned to Raleigh, N.C., in July 2008 to clear out the house where Hunter had briefly lived before their December 2007 escape from the media. Young claims they found a box Hunter had left behind, which included some videotapes, in a pile of trash.

[...]

“There was one tape that was marked ‘special,’” Young told ABC News’ Bob Woodruff in an exclusive interview. “It’s a sex tape of Rielle and John Edwards made just a couple of months before the Iowa caucuses.”

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“It [the tape] was cut and pulled … out,” Cheri Young told ABC News, “We… taped it back together and we played it.”

[...]

“It’s amazing the tape exists. … But to leave it in a house that’s for sale — where Realtors are going to be coming through it — and leave it there for eight months — is unbelievable,” Young said.

LAWYER. THE. FUCK. UP.

Young justified his actions, writing how he made plans to secure the tapes and leave copies with his lawyer should anything happen to him.

“We weren’t going to use it in any nefarious way, but I planned to deposit a copy in a safe-deposit box and place at least one other with an attorney with instructions to make it public, if necessary, should anything suspicious befall us,” Young wrote. “I had read enough John Grisham novels to think that … sometimes powerful, rich people don’t always play by the rules. And we were scared.”

And that is where it remains — in a secret safe deposit box, along with Barack Obama’s “long-form” Kenyan birth certificate and a security tape of Hillary Clinton eating Vincent Foster’s brain. This box is hidden in yet another pile of Rielle Hunter’s trash.

They will never learn.

John Edwards Made Sex Tape, Abortion Plea, Aide Says [ABC News]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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87 comments

  1. ManchuCandidate

    If this doesn’t kill the sex tape industry nothing will.

    Thankfully, John McCain and Joe Lieberman are too old to want to videotape their caucuses.

  2. RoscoePColtraine

    Taping oneself fucking, for one’s own private enjoyment, somehow never works out that way. Let’s all take a lesson from this. It will help heal John Edward’s broken spirit if we do.

  3. Jim Demintia

    2 questions: is the fucking set to Dave Matthews Band? Is the performance by Dave Matthews Band diegetic or non-diegetic?

  4. Texan Bulldoggette

    Gotta wonder at people who dig through trash & then have the time to tape video tape back together. But, yeah, ewwww….

  5. Terry

    ““It [the tape] was cut and pulled … out,” Cheri Young told ABC News, “We… taped it back together and we played it.””

    Does the average person actually know how to tape together a VCR tape so that it will play again? I sure don’t.

  6. DP

    Edwards is such a dope. Everyone knows sex tapes get labeled “Jonny’s first birthday.”

    No one ever looks…

  7. Hooray For Anything

    [re=503696]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Yeah, it’s not like he discovered an Anne Hathaway sex tape. Cutting and splicing together a sex tape of your best friend going at it with his dingy, flaky, not-ugly mistress is a little icky.

  8. Flanders

    “she had sworn to him that she was physically unable to get pregnant.” Stupid menz! Crazy freaky chicks *always* say that. It’s part of who they are. Any man who believes that line deserves to pay the ensuing child support.

  9. queeraselvis v 2.0

    “I had read enough John Grisham novels to think that … sometimes powerful, rich people don’t always play by the rules. And we were scared.”

    Wow. Just… oh my god. *hilarity ensues*

  10. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=503707]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Just heard Rielle was pregnant when they were bumping uglies…it just gets worse & worse! Shudder….

  11. SayItWithWookies

    They pulled this tape out of the trash, taped it back together and wound it back into the case just to see what it was? That’s a lot of work for a tape whose contents they knew nothing about. Worst of all, they probably haven’t wanted to have sex since watching it.

  12. Sleeves

    [re=503687]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Of records as of procreation—the pleasure momentary, the posture ridiculous, the expense damnable.

  13. V572625694

    [re=503707]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Mmmm….Anne Hathaway sex tape. There goes the afternoon.

    [re=503712]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Yeah, Andy young always plays by the rules. Andrew Young Rule 1-to-n: what’s good for me is okay, no matter who else it hurts.

  14. Fighting Bill

    It’s labeled “Special” but the homemade captions reveal the real title to be “Two Americas”. The first part, three hours long, is with Rielle and the last five minutes are with Elizabeth.

  15. Jerri

    “…and pulled … out”

    If Edwards would have done that with his ding dong he wouldn’t be in this mess.

  16. Scruffy_The_Janitor

    “we played the tape backwards and you could hear Edwards’ pack with the devil to have perfect hair for the rest of his life.”

  17. Mr Blifil

    If you raid garbage cans for bloody poopy panties, it is bad form to then criticize the original owners for fostering poor hygiene habits.

    There’s something almost elegant about Young tut-tutting over leaving the tape lying around where any freak might find it in order to tape it back together and try to get TV and book deals for it. John Edwards is obviously an excellent judge of character.

  18. Humpback

    How curious must Cheri have been to pull a tape out of the trash and splice it back together? And then to think all John Grisham-y that this destroyed and discarded material would result in your death?

  19. smashy smashy

    [re=503698]JMP[/re]: For realsies — she’s a **film producer** and seemingly unaware that VHS tapes can easily be “erased” or “burned.” Fancy tech talk, I know. Plus, c’mon…clean up your own mess.

  20. PsycGirl

    [re=503712]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Who knew that life followed John Grisham novels? I feel cheated.

  21. Suds McKenzie

    ” I had read enough John Grisham novels to realize I had to put his cock in a box.”

    Its labeled “Mill workers Briefs”

  22. jodyleek

    [re=503714]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Makes me wonder if the Youngs weren’t actually in attendance during the taping. The whole Grisham reference is just too precious.

  23. One Yield Regular

    [re=503696]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: It’s like that “To Catch a Predator” show or whatever it’s called. The perps on that show are creepy enough, but the obvious glee and obsession of the host – now that’s *really* creepy.

  24. JMP

    [re=503714]SayItWithWookies[/re]: It sounds like he was already planning on turning on Edwards; Young’s certainly a good friend.

    [re=503718]V572625694[/re]: Yes, mmm. I sat through that piece of shit “Havoc” for her breasts.

  25. WadISay

    This sounds like a law school final exam in Property 101. I wonder if the tape started with an “Ars Gratia Artis” logo.

  26. JMP

    [re=503722]Mr Blifil[/re]: Maybe Young can join with Linda Tripp to write a book on how to profit off of betraying your friends.

  27. magic titty

    John McCain’s sex tape features a lot of *water sports*. Not because he’s into that; he just kept having to pee.

  28. Hooray For Anything

    I’m willing to bet the video shows that Edwards has sex while staring at himself in the mirror the whole time (like Tommy Carcetti)

    [re=503713]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Double and triple ick.

  29. OReillysVibrator

    “You clearly see his face for a long time. And I can’t speak for the other body parts, but it’s definitely his face,” Young told ABC News.

    THIS JUST IN: John Edwards spent his career suing people so he could spend his contingency fees on penile and asscheek transplant surgeries! Where’s my Pulitzer?

  30. Cicada

    [re=503685]ManchuCandidate[/re]: The real problem is that the sound of that much sagging wrinkled flesh slapping together is pretty much guaranteed to exceed the high end limit on most microphones. Oh, and that the image of McCain and Lieberman making sweaty, musty, old man love WILL GIVE ME NIGHTMARES FOREVER. That too.

  31. Extemporanus

    [re=503685]ManchuCandidate[/re]: It may not be on videotape, but evidence of their sexcapades does indeed exist.

    You’re only a pair of scissors, some tape, and a player piano away from the pornographic experience of a lifetime.

    [re=503749]magic titty[/re]: I believe that was R. Kelly’s defense as well, although unlike J. McCain, he actually got off.

  32. Gopherit

    This sounds more and more like she didn’t tell John. That is so fucking awesome! Also, best way to get the realism.

  33. RoscoePColtraine

    I was OK during the sucking, I was fine with the felching, but when she started eating the blobs of blueberry activia off his chest hair I had to turn it off.

  34. JMP

    [re=503770]V572625694[/re]: Not now that the internet makes it fairly easy to find the clips ni question without the rest of the shitty movie.

  35. Judas Peckerwood

    The funniest part is Young envisioning John Edwards as some kind of Bond supervillain who might have him bumped off. It would be more like being hunted by Inspector Clouseau.

  36. hedgehog

    Johnny’s OK — Rielle said their daughter is doing to be the next Dalai Lama. Or something like that.

    So if Jay McInerney characters are coming to life, I’m betting that Harold Ford Jr. is the living embodiment of Bret Easton Ellis’s “American Psycho” Jason Bateman. Just sayin’.

  37. Autoo

    Sex tapes are only for *really* attractive couples in their 20′s or early 30′s, so they can go back and re-live their glory days when they are older and not quite so attractive.

    This is how I tried to explain it to my wife, 28 at the time and *stunning* in the nude. I had the camera set up on a tripod, beautiful, flattering early summer-evening light filtering through the lace curtains, a wonderful, healthy glow in our wood paneled bedroom, freshly laundered duvet arranged just so, an open bottle of champagne cooling on the nightstand.

    Guess who didn’t get laid that night.

    (And you can get a hella hangover drinking a whole bottle of champagne by yourself.)

  38. EdFlinstone

    So millboy said she had sworn to him that she was physically unable to get pregnant and that she was a “weird slut and a freak”, yeah John thats the kind ya want to trust with a potentially pregnancy. Sure the short term kink was fun, but now your tied to the insane bitch for a lifetime, excellent judgement.

  39. CorkPopper

    [re=503708]Flanders[/re]: Not just crazy wimmens! A gullible friend’s boyfriend swore he was sterile (like he would get tested at age 20). Yes, weeping and abortion ensued.

  40. V572625694

    [re=503782]JMP[/re]: [re=503795]Hooray For Anything[/re]: [re=503783]Extemporanus[/re]: Hot chicks nude fer free! This interweb thing could catch on.

    Curiosity resolved. Funny how she’s taller and all the cholos </i?who want to do her.

  41. Gorillionaire

    To reiterate:

    Alleged documentary filmmaker Reille Lootbags Hunter uses VHS tape – just like the old school documentarians of 1985!
    Alleged professional documentarian woman did not figure out that it would be best to erase the tape so she chopped it into pieces.

    OK I buy it.

  42. bureaucrap

    Lots of things about this story don’t add up. Under what circumstances would you let your mistress tape you having sex with her? Johnny may be a douchebag, but he couldn’t possibly be that stupid. What did she say? “John, I think if we do it in front of the camera, some of the footage could be used for a super campaign commercial.”

  43. snideinplainsight

    Anybody who unintentionally procreates in this manner shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the Presidency. Either too gullible or too careless.

  44. lochnessmonster

    You know that she wanted to make sure the tape was found. Otherwise, you make sure that is destroyed in a fire. BTW now I want to know if something was ‘cut out’—was the tape complete?

  45. problemwithcaring

    [re=503714]SayItWithWookies[/re]: They were campaign aids to a politician in a hotly contested primary, with a rogue and parasitic “documentarian” leaving video evidence all over the house that was mysteriously cut up and labeled “SPECIAL.” I would want to know what was on it.

  46. doxastic

    Ruggedly handsome Andrew Young tensed. Something was less than comfortable, something amiss in his tasteful yet comfortable living room. Suddenly, a form materialized from the darkened hallway.
    The Mill-Workers! They had found him! They would stop at nothing to protect their leader…murder, textiles, it was all the same to these rough-handed thugs.
    “You may kill me,” Young bellowed, “but you’ll never kill the truth! The people deserve to know who their elected leaders are fucking, how they are fucking, and whether or not it was yucky. John Edwards bent democracy over and took her innocence, and I’m going to make him pay!”

  47. Tarangela

    My name is Andrew Young and me and my wife are airing
    out the Edwards shitty underwear ’cause our own are so nasty they’ve
    been in the washing machine bleaching for two days.
    But we’re still scared!
    haha.

  48. TowerOfBabble

    There is an entire genre of porn that is packaged to deter curious and potentially jealous girlfriends with misleading videocassette sleeves. The one I saw was entitled “The Wonderful World of Dogs” and featured a picture of a Basset Hound wearing a Santa Claus hat.

    In practice, this seems about as effective a deterrent as “Special.” Instant suspicion.

  49. Allyson

    I am not spending a penny on Young’s book unless he answers the question that all filthy-minded political types like me want to know: small, medium, or large?

  50. Flanders

    [re=503852]bureaucrap[/re]: I suspect a third participant, too – the person (man? woman?) holding the camera.

  51. Mista Eko

    For 19.95, your sex-tape will arrive mailed to you in a non-descript box wrapped in plain brown paper…with “Not a career ending sex-tape” stamped all over it.

  52. Captain Swing

    To butcher a line from Alexis de Tocqueville: “…the people get the government they deserve.” And, it appears, the personal assistants, also.

  53. PsycGirl

    [re=503933]TowerOfBabble[/re]: And it would serve the girlfriend right for being freaked out that her guy had porn. MEN HAVE PORN. It’s a fact of life.
    You might want to know what kind, though.

  54. CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us

    “It [the tape] was cut and pulled … out,”

    Well, thanks to this tape, now we all can see that Johnny boy isn’t/didn’t!

  55. TowerOfBabble

    [re=504057]PsycGirl[/re]: I assure you that I am a girl, but not the demographic in question (i.e. the cat was long gone from the bag by the time I got around to watching that particular example of Auteur theory).

  56. PMS

    y’all stop making fun of my mother’s new neighbor —well several blocks away, around the corner, and down the street, but still…

  57. Dolmance

    “C-Span at Midnight…” Talk about sexy. The raw sensuality of John Edwards and that rat faced mistress going at it, plunging his manhood deep into her pussy. What a way to spend a Saturday night!!!

    Now, what’s the quickest way to commit suicide? Decisions, decisions.

Comments are closed.