Liveblogging The Important Punditry Before ‘America’s Speech,’ The SOTU

  reiteratering our commitments

Oh, this happened as wellAre you DRUNK YET YOU DRUNKS? Your Wonkette is drinking a 40! Oh wait, those are just two “24s”… which means… 32 ounces less beer, total. Hooray! Well let’s tune in to CNN and MSNBC and see how long it takes us to get through these. We’ll have new liveblogs every half-hour or so tonight, with a fair bit of Twatting. Here are the rules to your 2010 SOTU Drinking Game, which sacrificed plausibility for the sake of humor. Just kidding, it’s plausible. Hope!

8:33 — Keith Olbermann and Howard Fineman are talking about why Obama’s entire speech isn’t devoted to health care this time. Keith Olbermann calls Fineman a lying racist sexist women-killing frog-eating fucktard from fuckland. “This is all true,” a demure Howard Fineman responds.
8:35 — Nancy Pelosi is in the House, so is Joe Biden and red blubbersack Mitch McConnell. It’s a regular party! “We saw Senator Bunning for a second,” Olbermann says.
8:35 — Fineman explains that the problem with America right now is just like that of Apollo 13: they both blew the fuck up in outer space. Truer words, truer words.
8:36 — RUN RUN RUN! Keith promises a “quick comment” for Barack Obama shortly. RUN.
8:38 — CUDDLE US IN YOUR WARM FUR, WOLF BLITZER.
8:39 — Perfect! CNN is at a commercial. Just relax here for a second…
8:42 — Editor Sara is refusing to Twitter right now. Says she has a “baby” and needs to feed it pizza or some shit. 10,000 SIGNATURES FOR SARA 2 TWITTER!
8:43 — A cavalcade of old, white motherfuckery is entering the chamber right now. Biden is pointing at the ladies and winking from his mighty perch. “That offer from ’71? Still on the table…” Lieberman blushes.
8:44 — The CNN lady says Joe Wilson is LITERALLY right next to her. Everyone is surrounding him, wondering if he will shout. Apparently Boehner told his caucus NOT to interrupt the President tonight. It’s not how house slaves are treated. They had to work their way up to it!
8:47 — O-Bot is entering Congress, putting the finishing touches on his plans for school uniforms.
8:49 — A lovely lavender Nancy Pelosi is trying to introduce Obama, we think, but Dana Bash keeps blabbing about “who has the upper hand going into November.” Someone else adds: “The way the American people see it is: 10% are unemployed.” Silly American people.
8:50 — JILL BIDEN IS ORANGE!
8:51 — Joe Biden: “Orange you right, Wonkette!”
8:53 — Wolf: “It’s important to note that all branches of the government are here.” Wolf Blitzer went to school for so many years.
8:53 — BOO SUPREME COURT JUSTICES ENTERING. (Wolf tells us which ones they are!) THROW CORPORATE MONEY AT THEM! LIGHT THEIR CLERKS ON FIRE!
8:54 — UPPER GALLERY OF HEROES WATCH: the first lady is sitting next to two cops and some people with pre-existing conditions, to celebrate the failed piece of legislation about them.
8:57 — The Cabinet enters! Did you hear that Hillary can’t make it because she has important diplomatic meetings? This should fill a full nine days of cable news coverage about “Hillary 2012: hmm just asking hmm?”
8:59 — It’s Rahm “Fucking Retarded” Emanuel. Hide…
9:00 — Next to enter: Barack Obama. Then: the “iPad.” BOW, CRETINS!
9:01 — What if Obama enters with an “iPad”? 90% approval rating! “Yeah I wan one o’dem Paddles 2.”
9:02 — Congress is hilariously tacky. They all have their fucking iPhones out to take pictures for when the President (whom they despise) enters.
9:03 — We’ll never learn, but: OLD WHITE SERGEANTS-AT-ARM IN 1080i HD = NOT ADVISABLE.
9:04 — (We’re sticking with this liveblog for a bit longer, until Sara gets back from masturbating to Scott Brown photos.) (Have you seen Scott Brown’s bush?)
9:05 — Oh yeah some black president entered and everyone’s goin’ nuts. They said this speech could be SEVENTY MINUTES. Annnnnd down goes the approval rating.
9:07 — “Thank you, thank you,” Obama says. This arrogant son-of-a-bitch.
9:08 — Ha ha. Nancy Pelosi introduces him, Joe Biden shouts as loudly as possible, “AYYYYYYYYYYY!!!” He’s America’s secret white grandfather!
9:10 — HE’S STARTING. Sara has finish jacking off and will be starting her liveblog any second. WATCH THERE. Thank you! Go Team Conan!
9:11 — NEVER FORGET. (Also, yes, I just fixed all of my fucking timestamps. Since when do things in America start at 9? Stupid cockbomber…)
9:12 — GO HERE GO HERE GO HERE

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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130 comments

  1. jagorev

    OMG CSPAN just showed Michelle and Barry getting into their limo to go to the Capitol.

    Michelle is wearing a power purple overcoat tonight.

  2. jagorev

    CSPAN asks: “Does length matter tonight?”

    CSPAN panelist says: “Length matters only to the extent that you can keep the American people awake.”

    Bow chicka bow wow

  3. DustBowlBlues

    Why can’t Hopey channel FDR? He’s cool on MSNBC. Even JFK on US Steel. Jesus, bitch slap these twats.

  4. artpepper

    Joe: ” … at a difficult moment in his presidency

    … to which I contributed in no small part. Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!”

  5. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    This is the problem with working through prime time. I could drink. I could also put my job in jeopardy. Normally, I would be like, fuck it. But I’d rather not have to go screwing up the job market by entering it right now.

  6. Suds McKenzie

    Shit I thought this was a Jersey Shore LB. Oh well, I’ll make due

    Snookie: Cantwell
    “The Situation”: New Guy
    Sam Wow: Bachman

    Drink!!

  7. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    [re=502347]jagorev[/re]: According to al.. sorry, Senator Franken, hotel porn is watched on average for only twelve minutes. I don’t know how this applies to the SOTU, but you know, I’d be satisfied.

  8. simetrias

    Hillary got permish from Barry to skip the address. He didn’t want her frowning at him from the first row.

  9. simetrias

    Nancy sez, “I just wanna give them a warning.” Pass my health care bill or submit your masculinity to the doorkeeper.

  10. HipHopOpotamus

    Justin.tv’s fox news channel…. oh how I love the scrolling chat commentary going on next to bill o’reilly’s face.

  11. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=502348]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Hey Dusty, I read that Michelle is going to have some Republican mayor from OK in her box tonight because he lost a lot of weight & asked the locals to quit being obese, useless masses of flesh…guess Mike Huckabee wasn’t available.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    What a night of ubergeekdom — taking the Jeopardy online test and watching the SOTU on mind-altering substances. Now if I go out and convince a cute homeschooled chick that evolution exists this’ll be the happiest day of my life.

  13. DustBowlBlues

    I switched to CSPAN where they made a bunch of senators sitting in the middle exit, stage right and no one told me why. WTF? They make their interns sit in the spots for 6 hours so they can get good seats and now they get their asses kicked out?

    Politics–it’s a harsh business. And fuck the justices–Shit. The Republics cheered for their two dickwas Bush appointees Fuck them.

  14. MzNicky

    Yay! The Supreme Court! Thanks for deciding corporate fucktards get to buy everybody openly now, you shitbags. Well, not you, Ruth or Sonia.

  15. WadISay

    “Madam Speaker, the Chief Justice and the Associate Justices of the Supreme Court! Brought to you by Verizon, number one in network coverage!”

  16. El Pinche

    I love Shamwow, but I thought she got her tongue bit off by a hooker and died? Nice beard and tatas though.

  17. DustBowlBlues

    [re=502369]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: So that’s what they were talking about this AM on KOSU (my NPR station). He’s the OKC mayor–I forget his name. He’ll probably be impeached now that he’s mixed his pure okie germs with the marxist Kenyans.

  18. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    Heh, just read Wonkette’s sponsored background. Every day you’ll find semen at work. Loverly

  19. DustBowlBlues

    Who was the lady with her hair pulled back who was yelling at Rahm? (The huge disappointment because he’s been such a panty-waist.)

  20. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=502389]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Yeah, or someone will burn a cross in his yard just for the yukks. Good ole’ Okies. (You need to move to liberal, hippie land Austin, TX!)

  21. tunamelt

    Welcome back, tunamelt!

    I have some scary red wine in front of me.

    Who is watching this on MSNBC?

  22. Colander

    [re=502399]simetrias[/re]: Pretty sure he just ‘got his dick wet’, according to excerpts released moments ago.

  23. laziestgal

    I’m watching on the NYTimes website. Is everyone hearing this horrible cackling?? There’s some dude who added “of the United States” after the Supreme Court was introduced (sans NATION), and then this woman keeps laughing as well. Awful.

  24. Texan Bulldoggette

    Barry’s pancake makeup is kind of orangy–Boehner’s make up artist must have gotten to him. I wish Chris Matthews & KO would shut the fuck up.

  25. MzNicky

    I already had my shaker of Cosmos in honor of our next president Scott Brown. Now it’s on to the Chivas as Hopey ENTERS THE ROOM! And — and what’s this? Is that Mean Jean Schmidt hoisting her claw around his neck? LET GO YOU HARRIDAN!!!1

  26. DustBowlBlues

    G**dammit. I have to get a call from on of the svelte (ask the mayor of OKC) central part of the state okies to find out that Chip Reid says Hopey is going to kick ass. Why the fuck didn’t one of you slackers tell me that?

  27. Hooray For Anything

    Still think he needs intro music when he enters the chamber. Like “Don’t Stop Believing” would probably be appropriate for things right now. And I’d love to see Pelosi holding up a lighter behind him.

  28. Bearbloke

    I heard that Rep Joe-U-Lie has a better seat this year – maybe close enough for Hopey to unleash the ‘Ol Black magic-Stick’ and piss on that fookin prat…

  29. eastcoastliberal

    I’m just getting here but has anyone noticed the purple theme? Bipartisanship? Am I watching too many conspiracy theory shows?

  30. AxmxZ

    Come on, Hopey. Make us feel something again. Make us feel like you have balls.

    Make us feel your balls, Hopey.

  31. DustBowlBlues

    [re=502404]tunamelt[/re]: I’m on MSNBC. But I can’t watch too closely, because I have to turn sideways to do this.

  32. snideinplainsight

    Multi-touch, 3G, e-reader, microSIM, 64 Gigabytes – all very nice but not really unexpected. You know, I already have a cellphone and a laptop – why do I need one more device to carry around? I just don’t think I can –

    What? Liveblog what? Oh, well, never mind then -

  33. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    “again we are tested by triflin’ ass Republicans who are literally, literally, sticking their peepees up America’s asshole”

    *sigh*

  34. OffTheRecord

    Christ, this thing could last 70 minutes? I got one of those fancy stimulus jobs and have to get up at the crack of dawn now. Talk faster, Hopey.

  35. Rukasu

    Obama is wearing a Euro style stripe, while Biden wears American-style?……OMG SOCIALIST!!!!11!!1!!

  36. DustBowlBlues

    Biden always looks so wise–why don’t they let him make more decisions?

    [re=502454]MzNicky[/re]: Even Bush aged some, when he realized the job was hard even for a moron.

  37. Jukesgrrl

    [re=502374]N.S.Sherlock[/re]: I don’t think dentures are Pelosi’s problem. Hon, ladies her age often have an unavoidable need to use the restroom every five minutes unless they take a medication to control their kidneys. Like everything that is useful, it has side effects. Cut her a break, she’s trying to do her job.

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