REITERATERING OUR COMMITMENTS  8:30 pm January 27, 2010

Liveblogging The Important Punditry Before ‘America’s Speech,’ The SOTU

by Jim Newell

Oh, this happened as wellAre you DRUNK YET YOU DRUNKS? Your Wonkette is drinking a 40! Oh wait, those are just two “24s”… which means… 32 ounces less beer, total. Hooray! Well let’s tune in to CNN and MSNBC and see how long it takes us to get through these. We’ll have new liveblogs every half-hour or so tonight, with a fair bit of Twatting. Here are the rules to your 2010 SOTU Drinking Game, which sacrificed plausibility for the sake of humor. Just kidding, it’s plausible. Hope!

8:33 — Keith Olbermann and Howard Fineman are talking about why Obama’s entire speech isn’t devoted to health care this time. Keith Olbermann calls Fineman a lying racist sexist women-killing frog-eating fucktard from fuckland. “This is all true,” a demure Howard Fineman responds.
8:35 — Nancy Pelosi is in the House, so is Joe Biden and red blubbersack Mitch McConnell. It’s a regular party! “We saw Senator Bunning for a second,” Olbermann says.
8:35 — Fineman explains that the problem with America right now is just like that of Apollo 13: they both blew the fuck up in outer space. Truer words, truer words.
8:36 — RUN RUN RUN! Keith promises a “quick comment” for Barack Obama shortly. RUN.
8:38 — CUDDLE US IN YOUR WARM FUR, WOLF BLITZER.
8:39 — Perfect! CNN is at a commercial. Just relax here for a second…
8:42 — Editor Sara is refusing to Twitter right now. Says she has a “baby” and needs to feed it pizza or some shit. 10,000 SIGNATURES FOR SARA 2 TWITTER!
8:43 — A cavalcade of old, white motherfuckery is entering the chamber right now. Biden is pointing at the ladies and winking from his mighty perch. “That offer from ’71? Still on the table…” Lieberman blushes.
8:44 — The CNN lady says Joe Wilson is LITERALLY right next to her. Everyone is surrounding him, wondering if he will shout. Apparently Boehner told his caucus NOT to interrupt the President tonight. It’s not how house slaves are treated. They had to work their way up to it!
8:47 — O-Bot is entering Congress, putting the finishing touches on his plans for school uniforms.
8:49 — A lovely lavender Nancy Pelosi is trying to introduce Obama, we think, but Dana Bash keeps blabbing about “who has the upper hand going into November.” Someone else adds: “The way the American people see it is: 10% are unemployed.” Silly American people.
8:50 — JILL BIDEN IS ORANGE!
8:51 — Joe Biden: “Orange you right, Wonkette!”
8:53 — Wolf: “It’s important to note that all branches of the government are here.” Wolf Blitzer went to school for so many years.
8:53 — BOO SUPREME COURT JUSTICES ENTERING. (Wolf tells us which ones they are!) THROW CORPORATE MONEY AT THEM! LIGHT THEIR CLERKS ON FIRE!
8:54 — UPPER GALLERY OF HEROES WATCH: the first lady is sitting next to two cops and some people with pre-existing conditions, to celebrate the failed piece of legislation about them.
8:57 — The Cabinet enters! Did you hear that Hillary can’t make it because she has important diplomatic meetings? This should fill a full nine days of cable news coverage about “Hillary 2012: hmm just asking hmm?”
8:59 — It’s Rahm “Fucking Retarded” Emanuel. Hide…
9:00 — Next to enter: Barack Obama. Then: the “iPad.” BOW, CRETINS!
9:01 — What if Obama enters with an “iPad”? 90% approval rating! “Yeah I wan one o’dem Paddles 2.”
9:02 — Congress is hilariously tacky. They all have their fucking iPhones out to take pictures for when the President (whom they despise) enters.
9:03 — We’ll never learn, but: OLD WHITE SERGEANTS-AT-ARM IN 1080i HD = NOT ADVISABLE.
9:04 — (We’re sticking with this liveblog for a bit longer, until Sara gets back from masturbating to Scott Brown photos.) (Have you seen Scott Brown’s bush?)
9:05 — Oh yeah some black president entered and everyone’s goin’ nuts. They said this speech could be SEVENTY MINUTES. Annnnnd down goes the approval rating.
9:07 — “Thank you, thank you,” Obama says. This arrogant son-of-a-bitch.
9:08 — Ha ha. Nancy Pelosi introduces him, Joe Biden shouts as loudly as possible, “AYYYYYYYYYYY!!!” He’s America’s secret white grandfather!
9:10 — HE’S STARTING. Sara has finish jacking off and will be starting her liveblog any second. WATCH THERE. Thank you! Go Team Conan!
9:11 — NEVER FORGET. (Also, yes, I just fixed all of my fucking timestamps. Since when do things in America start at 9? Stupid cockbomber…)
9:12 — GO HERE GO HERE GO HERE

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 130 comments }

HipHopOpotamus January 27, 2010 at 8:36 pm

Months-old opened $4 wine bottle, check.

jagorev January 27, 2010 at 8:38 pm

OMG CSPAN just showed Michelle and Barry getting into their limo to go to the Capitol.

Michelle is wearing a power purple overcoat tonight.

jagorev January 27, 2010 at 8:39 pm

CSPAN asks: “Does length matter tonight?”

CSPAN panelist says: “Length matters only to the extent that you can keep the American people awake.”

Bow chicka bow wow

DustBowlBlues January 27, 2010 at 8:41 pm

Why can’t Hopey channel FDR? He’s cool on MSNBC. Even JFK on US Steel. Jesus, bitch slap these twats.

artpepper January 27, 2010 at 8:41 pm

Joe: ” … at a difficult moment in his presidency

… to which I contributed in no small part. Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!”

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO January 27, 2010 at 8:41 pm

This is the problem with working through prime time. I could drink. I could also put my job in jeopardy. Normally, I would be like, fuck it. But I’d rather not have to go screwing up the job market by entering it right now.

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 8:41 pm

Ah, live blogging with Wonkette. Let the hope times roll!

Suds McKenzie January 27, 2010 at 8:42 pm

Shit I thought this was a Jersey Shore LB. Oh well, I’ll make due

Snookie: Cantwell
“The Situation”: New Guy
Sam Wow: Bachman

Drink!!

Crank Tango January 27, 2010 at 8:42 pm

[re=502347]jagorev[/re]: that’s what she said!

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 8:42 pm

I’m Al Franken, and I’m a senator.

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO January 27, 2010 at 8:42 pm

[re=502347]jagorev[/re]: According to al.. sorry, Senator Franken, hotel porn is watched on average for only twelve minutes. I don’t know how this applies to the SOTU, but you know, I’d be satisfied.

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 8:43 pm

Hillary got permish from Barry to skip the address. He didn’t want her frowning at him from the first row.

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 8:44 pm

Barry arrives. Guarded by security dude on a bike. A non motorized bike.

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 8:46 pm

Every guy in the room is wearing blue; the women have red jackets. Or yellow. Or purple.

Colander January 27, 2010 at 8:47 pm

Gawd, I’m so genuinely excited for this. Not even cuz of the pain killers and merlot, either.

Colander January 27, 2010 at 8:47 pm

Will they debut a new trailer for Iron Man 2 before Barack takes the stage??

DustBowlBlues January 27, 2010 at 8:47 pm

I’m still on MSNBC. Where is everyone else?

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 8:47 pm

Nancy sez, “I just wanna give them a warning.” Pass my health care bill or submit your masculinity to the doorkeeper.

HipHopOpotamus January 27, 2010 at 8:49 pm

Justin.tv’s fox news channel…. oh how I love the scrolling chat commentary going on next to bill o’reilly’s face.

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 8:50 pm

OK, Jill Biden and her Bidenettes are wearing blue suits.

doxastic January 27, 2010 at 8:50 pm

Oooh, time to pack the bowl!

Texan Bulldoggette January 27, 2010 at 8:51 pm

[re=502348]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Hey Dusty, I read that Michelle is going to have some Republican mayor from OK in her box tonight because he lost a lot of weight & asked the locals to quit being obese, useless masses of flesh…guess Mike Huckabee wasn’t available.

Suds McKenzie January 27, 2010 at 8:52 pm

[re=502363]DustBowlBlues[/re]: USA network, … NCIS is on.

Gopherit January 27, 2010 at 8:52 pm

And as always: http://wonkette.chatango.com – no contest, just drinking

N.S.Sherlock January 27, 2010 at 8:52 pm

Jebus, it hasn’t even started and I am sick of Nancy Pelosi sucking on her dentures.

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 8:53 pm

Supreme Cohorts.

SayItWithWookies January 27, 2010 at 8:53 pm

What a night of ubergeekdom — taking the Jeopardy online test and watching the SOTU on mind-altering substances. Now if I go out and convince a cute homeschooled chick that evolution exists this’ll be the happiest day of my life.

Colander January 27, 2010 at 8:53 pm

The Supreme Court. Where’s Kanye when you need him?

DustBowlBlues January 27, 2010 at 8:53 pm

I switched to CSPAN where they made a bunch of senators sitting in the middle exit, stage right and no one told me why. WTF? They make their interns sit in the spots for 6 hours so they can get good seats and now they get their asses kicked out?

Politics–it’s a harsh business. And fuck the justices–Shit. The Republics cheered for their two dickwas Bush appointees Fuck them.

jagorev January 27, 2010 at 8:53 pm

[re=502363]DustBowlBlues[/re]: CSPAN ftw

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 8:53 pm

Honey, who shrunk the senior female supreme court justice?

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO January 27, 2010 at 8:54 pm

[re=502367]doxastic[/re]: puff puff give.

MzNicky January 27, 2010 at 8:54 pm

Yay! The Supreme Court! Thanks for deciding corporate fucktards get to buy everybody openly now, you shitbags. Well, not you, Ruth or Sonia.

WadISay January 27, 2010 at 8:54 pm

“Madam Speaker, the Chief Justice and the Associate Justices of the Supreme Court! Brought to you by Verizon, number one in network coverage!”

jagorev January 27, 2010 at 8:54 pm

Michelle is entering! She hugs some random people in uniform.

El Pinche January 27, 2010 at 8:54 pm

I love Shamwow, but I thought she got her tongue bit off by a hooker and died? Nice beard and tatas though.

MzNicky January 27, 2010 at 8:54 pm

Michelle looks FABULOUS. Wow, she’s a big tall cool drink of water.

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 8:55 pm

Oh, Michelle. Hair, dress… loverly.

DustBowlBlues January 27, 2010 at 8:56 pm

[re=502369]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: So that’s what they were talking about this AM on KOSU (my NPR station). He’s the OKC mayor–I forget his name. He’ll probably be impeached now that he’s mixed his pure okie germs with the marxist Kenyans.

Suds McKenzie January 27, 2010 at 8:56 pm

[re=502376]SayItWithWookies[/re]: please comment on everything in the form of a question.

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 8:56 pm

Napolitano has a chic hairdo. Don’t ask, don’t tell going down tonite.

wallythepug January 27, 2010 at 8:57 pm

Michelle hugged the two cops who killed the Ft. Hood shooter.

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 8:58 pm

Rom Emanuel looks like George Clooney tonite.

bjkeefe January 27, 2010 at 8:58 pm

Looking at the timestamps, I wonder: How is Jim seeing an hour into the future?

Colander January 27, 2010 at 8:59 pm

Jeez, take your seat already.

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 8:59 pm

Why is the baby daddy nerd smiling so much?

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO January 27, 2010 at 8:59 pm

Heh, just read Wonkette’s sponsored background. Every day you’ll find semen at work. Loverly

DustBowlBlues January 27, 2010 at 8:59 pm

Who was the lady with her hair pulled back who was yelling at Rahm? (The huge disappointment because he’s been such a panty-waist.)

Texan Bulldoggette January 27, 2010 at 9:00 pm

[re=502389]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Yeah, or someone will burn a cross in his yard just for the yukks. Good ole’ Okies. (You need to move to liberal, hippie land Austin, TX!)

SayItWithWookies January 27, 2010 at 9:00 pm

[re=502390]Suds McKenzie[/re]: Isn’t it fortunate that I usually do that anyway?

tunamelt January 27, 2010 at 9:00 pm

Welcome back, tunamelt!

I have some scary red wine in front of me.

Who is watching this on MSNBC?

tunamelt January 27, 2010 at 9:01 pm

This is the part that always makes me feel like Joan Rivers.

Colander January 27, 2010 at 9:01 pm

[re=502399]simetrias[/re]: Pretty sure he just ‘got his dick wet’, according to excerpts released moments ago.

Diana Davies January 27, 2010 at 9:02 pm

[re=502379]DustBowlBlues[/re]: The supple young interns will get their reward after.

Naked Bunny with a Whip January 27, 2010 at 9:02 pm

When does Obama demonstrate the new White House iPad?

Flanders January 27, 2010 at 9:02 pm

[re=502369]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: in her…boxxx??? ewwwww.

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 9:02 pm

Heeeeere’s Barry

Colander January 27, 2010 at 9:03 pm

[re=502404]tunamelt[/re]: All of my jokes will be based on MSNBC’s a/v’s

laziestgal January 27, 2010 at 9:03 pm

I’m watching on the NYTimes website. Is everyone hearing this horrible cackling?? There’s some dude who added “of the United States” after the Supreme Court was introduced (sans NATION), and then this woman keeps laughing as well. Awful.

Bearbloke January 27, 2010 at 9:03 pm

“Madame Speaker, Preznit Hopey”

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 9:04 pm

Yaaaaay. But Barry shaved that head a little too close.

Cookie Guggelman January 27, 2010 at 9:04 pm

Nice they could get Statler and Waldorf to introduce Barry.

kct January 27, 2010 at 9:04 pm

At the risk of sounding very girly, Michelle looks nice.

bjkeefe January 27, 2010 at 9:05 pm

I don’t see Michele Bachmann looking to shove her tongue down the Preznit’s throat THIS time.

Texan Bulldoggette January 27, 2010 at 9:05 pm

Barry’s pancake makeup is kind of orangy–Boehner’s make up artist must have gotten to him. I wish Chris Matthews & KO would shut the fuck up.

Bliz January 27, 2010 at 9:05 pm

Oh no, Barry is orange too…

MzNicky January 27, 2010 at 9:05 pm

I already had my shaker of Cosmos in honor of our next president Scott Brown. Now it’s on to the Chivas as Hopey ENTERS THE ROOM! And — and what’s this? Is that Mean Jean Schmidt hoisting her claw around his neck? LET GO YOU HARRIDAN!!!1

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 9:06 pm

Sounds like this is taking place in the shower. What IS that noise?

Suds McKenzie January 27, 2010 at 9:06 pm

Introducing the starting forward for the Washington Wizards, B-Rock OOOOhhhhh BAMA!!

rocktonsammy January 27, 2010 at 9:06 pm

sTOP HUGGING AND KISSING EVERYBODY.

CRIPES SAKE.

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 9:07 pm

Hope bows before Nancy. She must be of the Arabic persuasion.

proudgrampa January 27, 2010 at 9:07 pm

When did George Stephanopulous get a haircut?

DustBowlBlues January 27, 2010 at 9:07 pm

G**dammit. I have to get a call from on of the svelte (ask the mayor of OKC) central part of the state okies to find out that Chip Reid says Hopey is going to kick ass. Why the fuck didn’t one of you slackers tell me that?

bjkeefe January 27, 2010 at 9:07 pm

[re=502413]Bearbloke[/re]: What, no TelePromTer jokes yet?

wheelie January 27, 2010 at 9:07 pm

Work that room, Hopey!

WadISay January 27, 2010 at 9:07 pm

I yearn for a close up of the Repub side of the aisle. It’s all old white guys.

Hooray For Anything January 27, 2010 at 9:08 pm

Still think he needs intro music when he enters the chamber. Like “Don’t Stop Believing” would probably be appropriate for things right now. And I’d love to see Pelosi holding up a lighter behind him.

Bearbloke January 27, 2010 at 9:08 pm

I heard that Rep Joe-U-Lie has a better seat this year – maybe close enough for Hopey to unleash the ‘Ol Black magic-Stick’ and piss on that fookin prat…

eastcoastliberal January 27, 2010 at 9:08 pm

I’m just getting here but has anyone noticed the purple theme? Bipartisanship? Am I watching too many conspiracy theory shows?

CycloneArmageddon January 27, 2010 at 9:08 pm

now, which one is scott brown?

ms_mcgee January 27, 2010 at 9:08 pm

Biden totally just did a Special Ed “yay.”

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 9:09 pm

Orange? He’s pale, remember?

Bearbloke January 27, 2010 at 9:09 pm

[re=502412]laziestgal[/re]: Thanks for the tip – I was on audio transmission only, until now!

Colander January 27, 2010 at 9:09 pm

[re=502431]WadISay[/re]: This kinda stuff must be the worst for them. NOT MY PREZNIT

AxmxZ January 27, 2010 at 9:09 pm

Come on, Hopey. Make us feel something again. Make us feel like you have balls.

Make us feel your balls, Hopey.

DustBowlBlues January 27, 2010 at 9:10 pm

[re=502404]tunamelt[/re]: I’m on MSNBC. But I can’t watch too closely, because I have to turn sideways to do this.

snideinplainsight January 27, 2010 at 9:10 pm

Multi-touch, 3G, e-reader, microSIM, 64 Gigabytes – all very nice but not really unexpected. You know, I already have a cellphone and a laptop – why do I need one more device to carry around? I just don’t think I can –

What? Liveblog what? Oh, well, never mind then -

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 9:10 pm

Riiiiing. History calling. Answer it, will ya, Bam?

AxmxZ January 27, 2010 at 9:10 pm

Shit, my vodka is still in the fridge. Should I pause Barry?

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO January 27, 2010 at 9:11 pm

“again we are tested by triflin’ ass Republicans who are literally, literally, sticking their peepees up America’s asshole”

*sigh*

AnnieGetYourFun January 27, 2010 at 9:11 pm

It turns out that whiskey tastes incredibly different on ice than in coffee. No likey.

obfuscator January 27, 2010 at 9:11 pm

biden is nodding so as to indicate that he understands what barry is saying on a deep level.

Colander January 27, 2010 at 9:11 pm

Is Brangelina there?

SmallPotatoes January 27, 2010 at 9:11 pm

And a presidency rocked by a fucking nitwit. But I digress…

doxastic January 27, 2010 at 9:11 pm

GEITHNER’D!!!

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 9:11 pm

“I feel your pain.”

rocktonsammy January 27, 2010 at 9:11 pm

The President looks blacker on FOX News.

OffTheRecord January 27, 2010 at 9:12 pm

Christ, this thing could last 70 minutes? I got one of those fancy stimulus jobs and have to get up at the crack of dawn now. Talk faster, Hopey.

MzNicky January 27, 2010 at 9:12 pm

Hopey’s goin’ gray real fast.

Colander January 27, 2010 at 9:12 pm

I thought it was a joke about how kids are dumb and have poor penmanship.

Suds McKenzie January 27, 2010 at 9:12 pm

Oh nooooz, Little Timmy has a sad.

CycloneArmageddon January 27, 2010 at 9:12 pm

my wife says Joe “doesn’t know how to do it hard”

Colander January 27, 2010 at 9:12 pm

DRINK

proudgrampa January 27, 2010 at 9:12 pm

[re=502440]AxmxZ[/re]: Maybe we won’t be disappointed.

ella January 27, 2010 at 9:12 pm

Wall Street and Main Street!! Drink up!

MzNicky January 27, 2010 at 9:13 pm

There’s the Wall St./Main St. thing. I forget: pass out on the stoop?

Rukasu January 27, 2010 at 9:13 pm

Obama is wearing a Euro style stripe, while Biden wears American-style?……OMG SOCIALIST!!!!11!!1!!

AnnieGetYourFun January 27, 2010 at 9:13 pm

Haha, he thinks we can overcome the numbing weight of our politics. Silly man.

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO January 27, 2010 at 9:13 pm

[re=502440]AxmxZ[/re]: Wow, you went to a special place there, didn’tcha?

simetrias January 27, 2010 at 9:13 pm

Biden in nodding away, and not in a good way.

Suds McKenzie January 27, 2010 at 9:14 pm

Can I just say GOOD LUCK WITH THAT now, or do I have to wait till the end?

Bearbloke January 27, 2010 at 9:14 pm

[re=502432]Hooray For Anything[/re]: I think this song might be more appro, mate…

SayItWithWookies January 27, 2010 at 9:15 pm

Woohoo — no malaise here. Not that I expected any.

Jim Newell January 27, 2010 at 9:15 pm
tunamelt January 27, 2010 at 9:15 pm

Biden tried to start a slow clap?

proudgrampa January 27, 2010 at 9:15 pm

For the record, I am sipping a remarkable Chilean Carmenere. Hints of pepper, quite good!

doxastic January 27, 2010 at 9:15 pm

The Supreme Court is not hopeful :(

kct January 27, 2010 at 9:15 pm

The Supremes look kinda creepy just glaring from the front row.

Colander January 27, 2010 at 9:16 pm

Banks are pussies, y’all. They’re not here, are they??

DustBowlBlues January 27, 2010 at 9:16 pm

Biden always looks so wise–why don’t they let him make more decisions?

[re=502454]MzNicky[/re]: Even Bush aged some, when he realized the job was hard even for a moron.

Colander January 27, 2010 at 9:16 pm

[re=502466]Suds McKenzie[/re]: You say ‘cool story, bro’ at the end.

kct January 27, 2010 at 9:17 pm

Did anyone else think the closeup of Tiny Tim G. made him look like the Joker?

SmallPotatoes January 27, 2010 at 9:17 pm

I’m drinking to root canals

Bearbloke January 27, 2010 at 9:17 pm

[re=502472]Jim Newell[/re]: You Twat!

WadISay January 27, 2010 at 9:17 pm

And now, I will take a moment to kick little Timmy Geitner in the balls. (applause)

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO January 27, 2010 at 9:19 pm

Oh look at that, Hopey is fucking with the Retardicans.

Jim89048 January 27, 2010 at 9:30 pm

Math AND science? I was told no math, Hopey!

Jukesgrrl January 27, 2010 at 9:34 pm

[re=502374]N.S.Sherlock[/re]: I don’t think dentures are Pelosi’s problem. Hon, ladies her age often have an unavoidable need to use the restroom every five minutes unless they take a medication to control their kidneys. Like everything that is useful, it has side effects. Cut her a break, she’s trying to do her job.

This Cat January 27, 2010 at 10:21 pm

Hey, did Michelle Bachman stick her tongue down Barry’s throat? She finds Presidents super hot!

confederette libtard January 27, 2010 at 10:32 pm

I’m drunk.

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