Are you DRUNK YET YOU DRUNKS? Your Wonkette is drinking a 40! Oh wait, those are just two “24s”… which means… 32 ounces less beer, total. Hooray! Well let’s tune in to CNN and MSNBC and see how long it takes us to get through these. We’ll have new liveblogs every half-hour or so tonight, with a fair bit of Twatting. Here are the rules to your 2010 SOTU Drinking Game, which sacrificed plausibility for the sake of humor. Just kidding, it’s plausible. Hope!
8:33 — Keith Olbermann and Howard Fineman are talking about why Obama’s entire speech isn’t devoted to health care this time. Keith Olbermann calls Fineman a lying racist sexist women-killing frog-eating fucktard from fuckland. “This is all true,” a demure Howard Fineman responds.
8:35 — Nancy Pelosi is in the House, so is Joe Biden and red blubbersack Mitch McConnell. It’s a regular party! “We saw Senator Bunning for a second,” Olbermann says.
8:35 — Fineman explains that the problem with America right now is just like that of Apollo 13: they both blew the fuck up in outer space. Truer words, truer words.
8:36 — Keith promises a “quick comment” for Barack Obama shortly.
8:38 — CUDDLE US IN YOUR WARM FUR, WOLF BLITZER.
8:39 — Perfect! CNN is at a commercial. Just relax here for a second…
8:42 — Editor Sara is refusing to Twitter right now. Says she has a “baby” and needs to feed it pizza or some shit. 10,000 SIGNATURES FOR SARA 2 TWITTER!
8:43 — A cavalcade of old, white motherfuckery is entering the chamber right now. Biden is pointing at the ladies and winking from his mighty perch. “That offer from ’71? Still on the table…” Lieberman blushes.
8:44 — The CNN lady says Joe Wilson is LITERALLY right next to her. Everyone is surrounding him, wondering if he will shout. Apparently Boehner told his caucus NOT to interrupt the President tonight. It’s not how house slaves are treated. They had to work their way up to it!
8:47 — O-Bot is entering Congress, putting the finishing touches on his plans for school uniforms.
8:49 — A lovely lavender Nancy Pelosi is trying to introduce Obama, we think, but Dana Bash keeps blabbing about “who has the upper hand going into November.” Someone else adds: “The way the American people see it is: 10% are unemployed.” Silly American people.
8:50 — JILL BIDEN IS ORANGE!
8:51 — Joe Biden: “Orange you right, Wonkette!”
8:53 — Wolf: “It’s important to note that all branches of the government are here.” Wolf Blitzer went to school for so many years.
8:53 — BOO SUPREME COURT JUSTICES ENTERING. (Wolf tells us which ones they are!) THROW CORPORATE MONEY AT THEM! LIGHT THEIR CLERKS ON FIRE!
8:54 — UPPER GALLERY OF HEROES WATCH: the first lady is sitting next to two cops and some people with pre-existing conditions, to celebrate the failed piece of legislation about them.
8:57 — The Cabinet enters! Did you hear that Hillary can’t make it because she has important diplomatic meetings? This should fill a full nine days of cable news coverage about “Hillary 2012: hmm just asking hmm?”
8:59 — It’s Rahm “Fucking Retarded” Emanuel. Hide…
9:00 — Next to enter: Barack Obama. Then: the “iPad.” BOW, CRETINS!
9:01 — What if Obama enters with an “iPad”? 90% approval rating! “Yeah I wan one o’dem Paddles 2.”
9:02 — Congress is hilariously tacky. They all have their fucking iPhones out to take pictures for when the President (whom they despise) enters.
9:03 — We’ll never learn, but: OLD WHITE SERGEANTS-AT-ARM IN 1080i HD = NOT ADVISABLE.
9:04 — (We’re sticking with this liveblog for a bit longer, until Sara gets back from masturbating to Scott Brown photos.) (Have you seen Scott Brown’s bush?)
9:05 — Oh yeah some black president entered and everyone’s goin’ nuts. They said this speech could be SEVENTY MINUTES. Annnnnd down goes the approval rating.
9:07 — “Thank you, thank you,” Obama says. This arrogant son-of-a-bitch.
9:08 — Ha ha. Nancy Pelosi introduces him, Joe Biden shouts as loudly as possible, “AYYYYYYYYYYY!!!” He’s America’s secret white grandfather!
9:10 — HE’S STARTING. Sara has finish jacking off and will be starting her liveblog any second. WATCH THERE. Thank you! Go Team Conan!
9:11 — NEVER FORGET. (Also, yes, I just fixed all of my fucking timestamps. Since when do things in America start at 9? Stupid cockbomber…)
9:12 — GO HERE GO HERE GO HERE