Wee hew, it has been nearly one whole year since newly minted President Barack Obama gave a Not-State-of-the-Union speech, in which he discussed how “resolve” and “green energy” were going to save our economy. Remember this speech, when everybody still sort of had hope, and thought maybe they could get a “job” with the Obama Administration, just like 350,000 of their closest friends? Those days are gone, now that health care is dead and the economy is dead and Ted Kennedy is also dead, and our sullen failure of a leader has to haul his carcass before a collection of angry jackals (Congress) to explain how it only took 12 months to ruin the country when it took George W. Bush eight whole years.
This awful spectacle would be completely intolerable without some booze, so grab the shittiest bottle of gin you can find and set to mastering the details of this year’s SOTU Drinking Game. Print out a copy and staple it to the forehead of your nearest loved one, for easy reference!
When you see or hear the thing before the hyphen, do the thing after the hyphen.
- “Nobody ever said this would be easy.” — Four shots and then balance the budget.
- Nancy Pelosi wearing a weird suit that looks like she stole it from a sex slave on Mars — One shot.
- Obama points out an invited guest of the First Lady in the fancy box seats, and that guest is a Martian sex slave — One shot, and then have sex with the person in the room who looks the most like Nancy Pelosi.
- “Haiti.” — Find a bottle of rum at the back of your liquor cabinet and donate it to the Red Cross.
- USAjobs.gov — Fuck the nearest robot.
- “Green energy.” — One shot of flaming absinthe.
- “Saved or created.” — Dig a crushed beer can out of your recycling bin and drink whatever’s left in it.
- “Bailing out the auto industry” — Drink a shot of motor oil and jump off a cliff.
- Joe Wilson shouts something — Do nothing because it will only encourage him.
- Wall Street/Main Street juxtaposed — Drink a shot of 20-year single malt, then drink a can of Budweiser, then go bankrupt.
- “I will not raise taxes on the middle class.” — Drink an overoaked glass of chardonnay and listen to “Come Away with Me” while weeping over your most recent 401(k) statement.
- “That’s a promise that I intend to keep.” — Punch your nearest loved one in the crotch, apologize, and do it again.
- Obama vows to pass healthcare reform before the 2010 midterms — Drink a bottle of hydrogen peroxide.
- “Ted Kennedy” or “Senator Kennedy’s legacy” — Chug a Guinness, don a clamshell bra and an Uncle Sam hat, and tap-dance on the grave of your choice while backwards-faxing tea bags to Martha Coakley.
- Obama exits to “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” — Pass out on your stoop with your pants around your ankles.