the first-anniversary shitshow

Celebrate President Obama’s Legendary First Year With This Handy State Of The Union Drinking Game!

Everybody is so happy he turned over Congress to the Martians!Wee hew, it has been nearly one whole year since newly minted President Barack Obama gave a Not-State-of-the-Union speech, in which he discussed how “resolve” and “green energy” were going to save our economy. Remember this speech, when everybody still sort of had hope, and thought maybe they could get a “job” with the Obama Administration, just like 350,000 of their closest friends? Those days are gone, now that health care is dead and the economy is dead and Ted Kennedy is also dead, and our sullen failure of a leader has to haul his carcass before a collection of angry jackals (Congress) to explain how it only took 12 months to ruin the country when it took George W. Bush eight whole years.

This awful spectacle would be completely intolerable without some booze, so grab the shittiest bottle of gin you can find and set to mastering the details of this year’s SOTU Drinking Game. Print out a copy and staple it to the forehead of your nearest loved one, for easy reference!

When you see or hear the thing before the hyphen, do the thing after the hyphen.

  • “Nobody ever said this would be easy.” — Four shots and then balance the budget.
  • Nancy Pelosi wearing a weird suit that looks like she stole it from a sex slave on Mars — One shot.
  • Obama points out an invited guest of the First Lady in the fancy box seats, and that guest is a Martian sex slave — One shot, and then have sex with the person in the room who looks the most like Nancy Pelosi.
  • “Haiti.” — Find a bottle of rum at the back of your liquor cabinet and donate it to the Red Cross.
  • USAjobs.gov — Fuck the nearest robot.
  • “Green energy.” — One shot of flaming absinthe.
  • “Saved or created.” — Dig a crushed beer can out of your recycling bin and drink whatever’s left in it.
  • “Bailing out the auto industry” — Drink a shot of motor oil and jump off a cliff.
  • Joe Wilson shouts something — Do nothing because it will only encourage him.
  • Wall Street/Main Street juxtaposed — Drink a shot of 20-year single malt, then drink a can of Budweiser, then go bankrupt.
  • “I will not raise taxes on the middle class.” — Drink an overoaked glass of chardonnay and listen to “Come Away with Me” while weeping over your most recent 401(k) statement.
  • “That’s a promise that I intend to keep.” — Punch your nearest loved one in the crotch, apologize, and do it again.
  • Obama vows to pass healthcare reform before the 2010 midterms — Drink a bottle of hydrogen peroxide.
  • “Ted Kennedy” or “Senator Kennedy’s legacy” — Chug a Guinness, don a clamshell bra and an Uncle Sam hat, and tap-dance on the grave of your choice while backwards-faxing tea bags to Martha Coakley.
  • Obama exits to “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” — Pass out on your stoop with your pants around your ankles.
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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

Hola wonkerados.

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50 comments

  1. thatonegirlsays

    What is happening in that picture? What is the red person? How is babby formed?

    Also, thank you Wonkette Jesus for this gift. I’m on antibiotics, technically I shouldn’t drink. But to hell with technically. And my liver.

  2. Crank Tango

    how about I vaporize a shitload of hash and then not watch the fucking thing at all? Because that’s what I had planned…

  3. magic titty

    Refuse to watch. But! I’ll be doing these things while I watch the Rangers game anyway, so whatever.

  4. Hooray For Anything

    Is FOX going to show this or are they just going to play that Glen Beck documentary about the evils of liberalism instead?

  5. Jim89048

    [re=502246]magic titty[/re]: Haha silly human thinks the SOTU won’t be on every network, every channel.

  6. magic titty

    [re=502247]Judas Peckerwood[/re]: If he takes a piss on the tree of liberty, I might have to watch the postgame highlights.

  7. MzNicky

    [re=502240]clientnumber8[/re]: Really. I’ve been whining for drinking games since about 10 a.m. for crissakes.

  8. WadISay

    It would be great of Obama would quote extensively from Jindal’s reply of last year, and do it in that squeaky, broken, talkin’ to an idiot voice of Jindal’s.

  9. Jim89048

    Times like this make me really wish I drank, because tonight has the potential of seriously depleting my supply of Lortab…

  10. SayItWithWookies

    “We tried bipartisanship for a year — but we’ve found that Republicans only want the kind of bipartisanship that means they get everything they want and nobody else does. So it’s over. I’ve instructed Harry Reid to do away with the filibuster. Now we’re getting universal health care with a public option, and we’ll kill the Bush tax cuts to pay for it. Gasoline will be illegal in five years, replaced with solar-powered mass transit that rich assholes will have to take, too. But they shouldn’t worry — since we’ll all be wearing the same color Mao jackets, they won’t stand out in a crowd. They might not like it — especially the part about them pulling rickshaws for the poor — and if they’re mad enough they can vote me out of office — provided they get a good enough grade on their Howard Zinn book reports to be eligible to vote. I’d also like to congratulate Nancy Pelosi on her visionary new bill to legalize weed and use the tax money to pay for free condoms — the kids’ll enjoy them after a long day studying evolution.”
    – Drink everything in the house, run outside and dance naked in the street. (Okay, it probably won’t happen, but it should be there just in case).

  11. SmutBoffin

    [re=502265]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I weep, for this future that might have been. Needs more ACORN-operated rehabilitation centers though.

  12. Hooray For Anything

    I just hope that “Fired up” guy gives the speech tonight instead of that other guy. Whatever happened to that dude?

  13. SmallPotatoes

    I may not be able to watch. Lately, Obama’s voice grates on me like W’s did. Maybe I’ll watch with the sound turned down, and drink during close-ups of my hottie senator, Babs Mikulski.

  14. germansteel

    Instructions from the White House to the martinets in the Congress: At each applause line, the Marine Corps Band WILL – and that’s an order from your commander-in-chief, goddamn it all – strike up the national anthem, requiring the jackanapes in the minority party to stand along with the robotards across the aisle, who will be cheering as if their next campaign donation depended on it.

  15. slappypaddy

    sounds like fun! but i’m going to watch a michael haneke flick and play with my razor blade collection, which will be even more fun!!

  16. SmutBoffin

    Wait, what do we drink if the Seargent-at-Arms starts slapping Lieberman with a giant rubber phallus?

  17. SmutBoffin

    [re=502274]Bearbloke[/re]: Shit. Whatta shitty day.

    I think Barry is more likely to say something like “Human/animal hybrids for everyone!” rather than “We honor the passing of Howard Zinn.”*

    * The latter would make Joe Wilson shit himself, and nobody wants that.

  18. bitchincamaro

    [re=502246]magic titty[/re]: Rather watch a Rangers loss to the ‘Canes than a mediocre SOTU address. Every time Redden fucks up, drink!

  19. tunamelt

    I only have 3 cans of bud light and a really old bottle of cheap red wine I bought at Trader Joe’s, drank a glass out of, shuddered and saved for cooking.

    Tonight is going to be fun.

  20. dogscantlookup

    [re=502274]Bearbloke[/re]: This news is the dingle-berry on the shit Sunday, what other awful shit storm is next? I’m sorry about being scatological but shit shit shit shit shit!
    PS I’m not sorry

  21. coolcatdaddy

    Oh – Hopey’s giving a speech tonight?

    I think I’ll do something more important like trimming my nose hairs or something.

  22. Hooray For Anything

    [re=502274]Bearbloke[/re]: The actress who played the psychic in “Poltergiest” also died today so now we’ll never know if the House is clean.

  23. Crank Tango

    [re=502282]Suds McKenzie[/re]: [re=502259]V572625694[/re]: How about TheHeadCzar? see what I did, I made a little THC joke.

  24. MzNicky

    [re=502310]Crank Tango[/re]: Nah man, that’s the guy who cleans the WH toilets man. I think Drug Czar. Man.

  25. the problem child

    [re=502247]Judas Peckerwood[/re]: In my house, that’s what we call the spoiled mayo.[re=502297]sezme[/re]: The legislative version or the original?

  26. Dreadful Gate

    [re=502244]Crank Tango[/re]: I’m with you brother. I’ve got a bag of primo that says I fall asleep before it’s over

  27. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    I promise that I will strip naked and ejaculate in the halls of my workplace if the presdient says the following:

    “To everyone on the right who has decided to put partisan politics above the needs of the country. Fuck you. To everyone on the left who are pissed I didn’t fix the country and issue everyone their own magical gay pony, fuck you too.”

    I’ll grant some leeway on this, but not much.

  28. Jukesgrrl

    “Chug a Guinness, don a clamshell bra and an Uncle Sam hat, and tap-dance on the grave of your choice while backwards-faxing tea bags to Martha Coakley.” C’mon, I did that LAST week. Martha’s so drunk she didn’t even notice.

  29. Jukesgrrl

    [re=502274]Bearbloke[/re]: “I hate to pile the bad news on you yanks, but I just heard that Howard Zinn has died. Hopefully Obama will mention his passing in the upcoming Address.” Ain’t gonna happen. Rahm never heard of him.

  30. Crank Tango

    [re=502315]MzNicky[/re]: [re=502331]Suds McKenzie[/re]: hmm yeah, upon further reflection, perhaps we do need another drug czar. What do they call the dickhead in charge of the DEA? I could do that. Anyone that raids a pot club anywhere is getting their ass sent to afghanistan.

    [re=502332]Dreadful Gate[/re]: Glad to hear I’m not alone. There is nothing Hopey is gonna say tonight that will change my mind about anything. Except maybe for the worse. Shine it.

  31. Berkeley Bear

    Obama pulls a Palin, says he’s done all he can in public office and everything’s gonna be better without him as a destraction while he somehow acts in support of what he believes in – find the nearest supply of wood grain alcohol, drink yourself blind and then get behind the wheel to see how many others you can put out of their misery before you die Joe Biden is sworn into office.

  32. Advocatus_Diaboli

    And if Obama says “fuck bipartisanship, bitches. I tried to be nice, but some assholes just don’t get it. Tomorrow, Harry Reid will announce that the senate rules have been changed.” — Stop drinking, because you’re clearly too drunk to function.

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