meet your criminals

Going Through The ‘Watergate Jr. Four:’ The One Who Wrote ‘The Penis Monologues’

The ACORN douche-pimp. The one who bones Scott Brown’s Daughter. And now we have the one who wrote an anti-feminist parody of The Vagina Monologues called The Penis Monologues, for his conservative George Washington University newspaper, THE PATRIOT. Let’s see what Stan Dai wrote, in The Penis Monologues!

Quoth “The Giant Coochie Snorcher That Could,” about a local Giant Coochie Snorcher lady.

“The Giant Coochie Snorcher That Could”

It all began when I moved into Crawford Hall… I had a bad feeling about coochie snorchers. In the past, they had been nothing but trouble–big trouble. But then one day, I walked out of my building and met my “neighbor,” Joan. Joan is a GIANT COOCHIE SNORCHER, a 5-foot-tall vagina with a black plastic wig on her head! After Joan blocked my path and gave me a palm card for the March for Women Who Aren’t Babies’ Lives, I couldn’t resist an invitation to her apartment– Marvin Center 417. She slipped into fancy lingerie and lo and behold, I “now worship Joan,” just as the placard around her “neck” said. If that’s what it takes to be a feminist, just to worship a 5-foot-tall vagina, I’m a guy…I am so there!

“My Angry Penis”

MY PENIS IS ANGRY!!!!!!! You want to know what happened to my penis? Joan happened to my penis! There I was, sleeping peacefully when Joan stormed in and dragged me out for “an educational program.” I thought was going to see Mr. Rogers! But nooooooo! It turned out to be the “Whine-gina Monologues!”

An afterword, or forward, or both:

What are these vaginas angry about? Tampons, thong underwear, and gynecologists. Shouldn’t feminists be more concerned with encouraging women to go to the gynecologist to prevent cervical, uterine, and breast cancer (which, of course, are the fault of evil repressive men)? Why must the only reference to the sanctity of motherhood be given to a lesbian couple? Can’t men be more than just sperm donors and rapists in a feminist’s world? Justice Blackmun doesn’t even get a shout-out! If feminists want to really make a difference, why don’t they get out and change the world, instead of sitting in basements writing a litany of complaints to depress the world.

God, someone buy this kid a prostitute and let him finally get it over with, right?

Is this the same Stan Dai arrested for trying to bug Mary Landrieu’s office? [Lindsey Beyerstein]
The Penis Monologues [TPM]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  1. Terry

    So, what use is GW anyway? Before this yahoo, it mainly seemed to be an overly expensive finishing school for the children of wealthy Jewish-American and Arab families (oddly enough). Are they required to go to classes there or is the payment of each semester’s bill enough to keep a student in good standing there?

  2. Prommie

    When teh fucktard conservatives attempt humor, especially satire, and even mere sarcasm, the results are not pretty. Its like when a little kid plays airplane by stretching his arms out and running around, turning this way and that, while making a “brrrrrrrr” sound, conservative fucktards trying to be funny are exactly as far from funny, as that little airplane kid is from being Captain of the Space Shuttle.

  3. Paterlanger

    Sorry, I must be in the wrong place. I saw the billing and thought I’d found a short film staring Greg Oden’s junk. Carry on.

  4. Manos: Hands of Fate

    The grand irony is that the next ten year’s of this kids life is going to be a penis monologue.

  5. JMP

    Those poor, poor men, getting oppressed by those awful feminists; why, it’s gotten so awful that only 7/9 of the Supreme Court justices are.

    Someone who’s as afraid of vaginas as Stan here might want to look at the man in the closet before blaming feminists for everything.

  6. SayItWithWookies

    Humor about sex? Why didn’t he stick to something he knows — I’ll suggest his oeuvre from jail be titled The Taint Monotones.

  7. Joshua Norton

    How come “the basement” is the default location for snarks about blogging? I live on the top floor and putting in a basement for my computer is pretty much out of the question.

  8. PrairiePossum

    His penis will have alot to say after he spends a few years serving as a prisoner’s little white bitch. He’s just lucky Joan didn’t beat his useless little penis with a hammer.

  9. Paterlanger

    [re=501887]memzilla[/re]: Do they still give away “I-phones” here? ‘Cause I think you earned one.

  10. Gorillionaire

    I just don’t understand why this “man” is so angry. A vagina with a nicely trimmed and neat bush is one of the great pleasures of being alive.

  11. MzNicky


    penis monologue?
    here’s a penis dialogue:
    Stan’s hand and his dick.

    Ahem, note seven syllables in the 2nd line.

  12. the problem child

    “Shouldn’t feminists be more concerned with encouraging women to go to the gynecologist to prevent cervical, uterine, and breast cancer (which, of course, are the fault of evil repressive men)?”

    Oh, he almost had a sensible point to make, but then he had to bugger it up.

  13. Joshua Norton

    The people who think this is funny are the same ones who are upset because “Hank” was canceled.

  14. Anonymous Office Zombie

    Also from the Penis Monologues:

    To be an insufferable dick or not to be an insufferable dick – that is the question.

    I think we all know which way he went with that one.

    These dudes are a comedy goldmine. I love it.

  15. Gopherit

    [re=501886]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: right. he thought he was getting facetime with penis before…..

  16. WadISay

    [re=501884]Prommie[/re]: True, but eventually conservatives will create their own reality for humor, too, viz:

    1. Conservative A tells knock-knock joke.
    2. Conservative B twats joke to Redstate, which “reports” it as hysterical.
    3. Beck/O’Rielly/Limbaugh/VanSustern report Redstate report.
    4. Entry in Conservapedia, concluding with “Martin Luther King would have loved this joke.”
    5. Interviews, book tour.

  17. Crank Tango

    On another note, said Rosanne Ferruggia appears to be sorta cute. I wonder what’s wrong with her?

  18. give us a bob

    [re=501905]rmontcal[/re]: [re=501919]ManchuCandidate[/re]: So should consider marketing to the douchtard demographic, say with

  19. donner_froh

    If feminists want to really make a difference, why don’t they get out and change the world, instead of sitting in basements writing a litany of complaints to depress the world.

    Or why don’t they make an amateurish, sure to fail attempt to bug the office of United States Senator?

  20. AnnieGetYourFun

    Weird, because when feminists DO go out and change things, Angry Penises cry about how difficult everything is for them, because of the feminist changes, like insisting that vaginas make 67% of what penii do in the job market.

  21. JMP

    [re=501894]PrairiePossum[/re]: He’ll probably be happy in prison; there’s no five foot tall vaginas there, or even the normal kind.

    [re=501912]the problem child[/re]: Considering how many of the anti-abortion zealots are trying to make sure girls don’t get the HPV vaccine, because they should face punishment if they ever the sex, his sarcastic comment is actually right on one of those diseases.

  22. MzNicky

    [re=501924]Crank Tango[/re]: Is she the Gary Coleman-ish creature in his photo profile? Or am I mixing my criminals up? I’m so confused I can’t even read haikus correctly anymore.

  23. BlueStateLibtard

    Sounds likes someone’s very very angry at his Mommy–oh, and all the girl’s who won’t have anything to do with him.

  24. Crank Tango

    [re=501936]MzNicky[/re]: LOL no she’s the supposed co-author of ” the penis monologues,” also known by its working title of “cock talk.”

  25. Old Redneck

    Stan Dai???? WTF nationality is this clown? Chinese? Vietnamese? Check his immigration status then send him back home where he can wiretap the Politburo phones and see how long he lasts!!! Sonofabitch needs a few years in a labor camp!!!!

  26. Hooray For Anything

    [re=501913]Joshua Norton[/re]: Or that show on FOX, Red Eye with Greg Gutfield. You can literally hear comedy committing suicide in the midst of the show due to the fact the show tries to associate itself with it.

  27. Darkness

    instead of sitting in basements writing a litany of complaints

    And the Penis Monologues itself would be what class of discourse exactly? What is it with “conservatives” and self-awareness anyway? is this a brain chemical problem or a dropped on their head problem?

  28. thefrontpage

    Many, many and many of us readers today must question the very oddly and perhaps anti-Semitic reference to “wealthy Jewish-American” students who must somehow infiltrate George Washington University that was posted by a previous poster. First–what the holy hell is “Jewish-American?” What the hell is that? Jewish is not a nationality, it is a religion. There are Jews all across the world, in every country, just as there are Catholics, Protestants, Hindus, Buddhists and Wiccans all over the world. So in the future, to be fair, you, that odd poster, must be all-inclusive, and must also refer to Catholic-Americans, Protestant-Americans, Hindu-Americans, Hindi-Americans, Buddhist-Americans, Wiccan-Americans, and even Agnostic-Americans, Atheist-Americans and Satanist-Americans, too! While we’re at it: Lutheran-American, Baptist-American, Methodist-American and Evengelical-American, Morman-American, Seventh-Day-Adventist-American, and Jehovah’s-Witness-American must also be used. Second, there is no more greater number of “wealthy” people who happen to be of the Jewish faith and who happen to also be American at G.W. than there are anywhere else in the country. Additionally, G.W. happens to be a very good school in regards to numerous academic programs, and the school is recognized as such nationwide and internationally. In the future, if you don’t know anything about G.W., the Jewish faith, or people who happen to be Jewish and American, and if you happen to be anti-Semitic, please don’t comment.

  29. Terry


    So, how far did the GW diploma take you? Based on that post, let’s hope you weren’t an English major.

  30. JMP

    [re=501936]MzNicky[/re]: Maybe showing that you can play with a black toddler is the new “some of my best friends are black”.

  31. gurukalehuru

    [re=501883]Terry[/re]: Hey, hang on! I’ve got a friend who graduated from GWU…oh, wait, wealthy, Jewish…check.

  32. Ducksworthy

    His obsession with gynecological health suggests that he is deeply disturbed… and also geh. No no. You can be both! But either way he was thinking about his mother when he wrote that part.

  33. S.Luggo

    The sequel after prison will be: “Stan Dai and the Angry Anus”. You’ll be on your feet during the entire performance.

  34. magic titty

    [re=501874]V572625694[/re]: To be fair, he might actually be better than James Joyce.

    Yeah I said it!

  35. bhosp

    [re=501958]thefrontpage[/re]: Actually, he’s got GWU about right, clunky “Jewish-American” wording aside.

    [re=501883]Terry[/re]: But shut up, I’m proud of my alma mater. Remember, we’re the institution that actively did not give L. Ron Hubbard a degree.

    [re=502005]Extemporanus[/re]: WIN.

  36. Paterlanger

    News Flash. WAPO is correcting its original reporting on Watergate Jr. and now reports that the little rascals are only being charged with “entering the offices under false pretenses to tamper with the phone system” not the much juicier “wiretapping” charge we all orgasmed over. You knew that was too good to be true.

    [re=501958]thefrontpage[/re]: Good point.

  37. GrouchoEngels

    [re=501958]thefrontpage[/re]: Modern-Major-General-Americans? (Kinda started to pick up a rhythm there).

    Rhythm… er, um… um…

    …”Rhythm method to penis monologue linkage” FAIL.

  38. Crank Tango

    [re=502061]HuddledMass[/re]: Looks a little like the cho dude that did VA tech. Eh, I’m just saying that. But he also was a shitty, angry writer, no?

  39. Terry


    Ok, if you all tossed out L. Ron Hubbard, you get a pass on a range of things. But couldn’t you all have encouraged him into a different field rather than science fiction writing? Imagine how less zany certain social circles would be if Hubbard had been, say, a dentist.

  40. Mojopo

    Penises cannot give monologues! They only have a little hole to talk with, and everything would sound like, “loo looo looo looo.”

  41. Dashboard_Buddha

    “He is co-founder of GW’s Students Defending Democracy”

    Defending democracy…really? When will he be joining the military? What’s that? Never? Ok.

    Also, I was looking at the mug shots of the LA Four and they all looked like the nasally laughing-at-shit-that-isn’t-funny, Braying Fratboy asswipes I went to college with way back in the day.

    Some things never change.

  42. Katydid

    Stan also writes: “Look, I’m no misogynist, I like women, just not crazy, screaming, vagina-obsessed ones! They scare me!”

    He has a point. Vaginas ARE scary to men. The terrifyingly softness, so responsive to sweet caresses, so readily engorged at the mere promise of a lover’s touch, the all-powerful clitorus, when teased, stroked, licked, sucked, starts pulsating, pulsating, pulsating, greedily compelling a woman to spread her legs wide, sometimes using her fingers to spread open the moist folds of her labia to entice him into entering her warm, tight, dastardly vagina, and as he repeatedly thrusts inside her in a futile attempt to get away, she writhes and bucks, moans and gasps, using every trick in her female arsenal to hold captive his poor penis inside the hell that is her vagina, until she has sucked into her his very manhood, consumed his life force, drained him dry, leaving them both spent, satisfied and joyous, while strangely desiring another go at the evil dance that vaginas gleefully inflict on helpless men.

  43. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=502111]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Apparently not. It sounds like they’re reducing the charges. Oh well.

  44. JMP

    [re=502082]Harvey Birdman[/re]: American is to GW as GW is to Georgetown.

    [re=502095]Mojopo[/re]: Well, in prison he may be experiencing several penis dialogues.

  45. Mojopo

    If this kid had just talked to a vagina, maybe he wouldn’t have felt like he needed to wiretap old Mary.

  46. FMA

    [re=502119]Katydid[/re]: Exactly. We must preserve the purity and essence of our precious bodily fluids.

  47. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=502119]Katydid[/re]: I know how the guy feels. Look, I don’t have a thing against the retarded I like them, just not crazy, screaming, tax and teabag obsessed ones.! They scare me!

  48. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=502163]Mojopo[/re]: Jesus H! Are the brown dangley things pseudopods designed to drag in the unsuspecting man?

  49. teebob2000

    And who’s the 4th fuck? Flanagan or something, right? We taking bets on what his deal is yet? Any guesses??

  50. Katydid

    [re=502141]Tommmcatt[/re]: ::puts panties back on:: Now, what was your complaint? (I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist!)

    I’m sincerely sorry for exposing you to hetero sex. It’s bad enough we do it in private, do we have to flaunt it in public?

  51. gurukalehuru

    [re=502095]Mojopo[/re]: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
    How can you breathe through that thing?

  52. JMP

    [re=502119]Katydid[/re]: Between the Brown images and this, Wonkette is looking more and more like a porn site every day. I need too need a smoke now.

    As for being forced to worship a five-foot tall vagina, maybe Stan was thinking of something like this?
    Granted, that’s a six-inch man and a normal-sized vagina; but the effect’s similar. However, Hank looks pretty happy there; while Stan thinks the experience (and vaginas in general) would be unpleasant.

  53. Terry


    His father is the acting US attorney for the Western District of Louisiana. Landrieu just appointed a full time person to that position who is conspicuously NOT Flanagan the elder.

  54. thefrontpage

    [re=502031]gurukalehuru[/re]: We’re not, but sensitity is good considering yet another anti-Semitic, stupid and ignorant remark–occurring on the 65h anniversary of the liberation of the Aushwitz concentration camp. Maybe if you lost your relatives to murderers in Germany, maybe you’d be a bit more sensitive, too. The point is: don’t be anti-Semitic, and don’t make stupid, ignorant anti-Semitic remarks here or anywhere. It’s not funny, it’s not snark, and it’s just dumb.

  55. Allyson

    “Coochie Snorcher”
    Um, I have heard lots of slang terms for a vagina–some meant to be flattering, some intended to be insulting, but WTF is a coochie snorcher?
    Perhaps I should be offended (his rant about feminists whining instead of changing the world is ridiculous since that is a perfect description of the FOX news crowd), but I (along with my coochie snorcher) am too busy ROTFLMAO…

  56. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=502237]Allyson[/re]: I once endured a performance of the Vagina Monologues in an attempt to get laid.

    Miserable failure, as my girlfriend was going through this creepy second-wave feminist thing that is guaranteed to kill hetero relationships.

    The only thing I got from it was the term “coochie snorcher.”

  57. unprotoize

    SURELY the long arm of the Wonkette (or recent former intern) has gotta have some experience going to school with one of these guys. I want some first-person story, as sordid as possible.

  58. problemwithcaring

    [re=501883]Terry[/re]: [re=501958]thefrontpage[/re]: I just finished a graduate program there and saw nothing wrong with the characterization. I guess I am a racist.

  59. Pat Pending

    [re=502156]Mojopo[/re]: This would be a fine time for Manchu Candidate to come up with a Lion King-inspired song parody entitled ‘Vagina Dentata’

  60. Jennasaurus Rex

    [re=501912]the problem child[/re]: I know, right? I feel that the Vagina Monologues contain far too much bitching about internals, and I thought he might be on his way to making a half-intelligent point, but then he totally veered back into conservative cuntface land. And I don’t think my gyno checks for breast cancer down there. Also.

  61. Darkness

    [re=502263]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Dude, you SO need to learn how to be an enabler. Vaginas are liberating, used correctly.

  62. Darkness

    [re=502235]thefrontpage[/re]: All very sad. Those of us without those relatives see half a million killed in Sudan and the international community yawning out, “oh, not white, not jewish, not 7 million . . . so, not a problem.”

  63. Darkness

    [re=502330]Darkness[/re]: LOSER you SO did not see katydid’s post in time. Jesus. I either need a shower or more booze.

  64. detfrost1

    This guy sounds like an extremely repressed homosexual.

    His next work will be the anus or the fist monologues.

  65. artbot2000


    It’s an identity crisis kind of thing: The Asshole that Thought it was a Penis.

    In haiku:

    Asshole, asshole, asshole.
    Penis? Asshole, asshole,
    asshole, asshole. Fixed.

  66. Potater

    [re=502119]Katydid[/re]: My long established homosexuality has been called into question. I’ll have to tell my boyfriend, sugardaddy, rentboy, houseboy, and speedo-clad poolboy. How dare you break up our family!!

  67. TubeCity

    Hey you guys, it’s so unfair to disrespect an anti-terrorism operations officer for the Department of Defense!!

    Oh, “Department of Defense” refers to an academic department at a right-wing college?

    Never mind.

  68. godforbidowright

    just buy the little pecker a flashlight for his birthday. its best he can really hope for…

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