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Andre Bauer Provides CNN With His Most Awesome Phan Photo

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Regrets, he's had a fewAre we seeing this correctly? Because we think we’re seeing it correctly: Andre Bauer, the allegedly gay-as-the-dickens French lieutenant governor of “America’s Bordeaux,” South Carolina, has provided CNN with his gayest-ever photo to accompany its article about how he regrets comparing poor people to poor French farm animals, the ones he and Tom Cruise would eat AVEC UNE BOISSON PENDANT LA GUERRE DU TEMPS HAW HAW HAW! [CNN]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  • FMA

    I’m guessing the sex tape will be surfacing before the end of the day.

  • proudgrampa

    Jebus. How gay is that?

  • Noonan


  • Hedley Lamar

    Tom Cruise has really gotten thin.

  • arclight

    Ooooo Gay Scientologist NASCAR-Loving Lt. Governor André!!!! That will be so awesome when he’s Naked White Obama’s running mate in 2012, crushing Barry and Biden in a 1984-style landslide smackdown!!!! HOORAH!

  • Fox News Light

    SC wins the day…best part….Noting that he has raised money for a group that protects animals, Bauer also said he is “not against animals.” He is apologizing to animals for comparing them to poor folks.

  • Flanders

    What’s wrong with Tom? He looks drawn.

  • Scaggsville guy

    Andre is no giant.

  • Gopherit

    [re=500519]proudgrampa[/re]: Yeah. When you want to prove you aren’t gay, hang out with anyone but Tom Cruise. Also, it looks like they don’t feed Tom Cruise in SC. Is he poor now?

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    the mind boggles

  • SmutBoffin

    Wow, ‘dré barely clears Tom Cruise, i.e. he is quite short. Quel dommage.

  • Another DC Lawyer (Again)

    What’s the word I’m looking for….not “merkin” but related…oh right, Tom Cruise + NASCAR + Lt. Gov. Starfish = Beard.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    Tom Cruise likes NASCAR. I think that is the takeaway.

  • One Yield Regular

    How do we know that guy with Andre Bauer isn’t actually Iggy Pop?

  • liquiddaddy

    [re=500521]Hedley Lamar[/re]: and not in a good way

  • PickneyPinchback

    “I never intended to tie people to animals,” he said.

    Bauer went on to explain that the comment about stray animals had nothing whatsoever to do with his comments on poor people, noting that it is common to insert totally unrelated, random stories into a speech without it having anything to do with what one is saying at the moment. “Just because I used it in the form of an analogy does not mean I meant to imply any sort of relationship whatsoever.”

    Bauer then disappeared into a back room with Tom Cruise.

  • McDuff

    There’s a pair — one equates those on welfare with stray cats while the other thinks he used to be possessed by the souls of frozen aliens dropped into Earthly volcanos from DC-8 shaped star ships millions of years ago, as ‘discovered’ by a washed-up sci-fi writer.

  • The Huffington Pogue

    I can’t wait for the Anderson Cooper exclusive.

  • BlueStateLibtard

    When will he announce that he’s going to Haiti to help the poors and the poor stray animals, and then get caught in nookie?

  • PickneyPinchback

    [re=500524]Flanders[/re]: Tom’s been hanging out with Andre and Andre says to feed him would only encourage him to stick around. Andre likes his freedoms and carefree bachelor ways!

  • Hedley Lamar

    [re=500536]liquiddaddy[/re]: Yeah but the crazy still shines through.

  • Monsieur Grumpe
  • Terry

    FABULOUS photo, Andre!

  • RoscoePColtraine

    Closeted, starstruck provincial Lt. Governor says what?

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Given the Marianas Trench-like appearance of the stretch marks around his mouth, poor Tom really should back away from smoking those manpoles.

  • give us a bob

    I’m giggling at the prospect of Teabaggers having to learn keyboard shortcuts to correctly spell Áñdrë ßàûér. Because really, how can circumflexes, tildes, and cedillas NOT sound like some Dan Savage would write about?

  • BigDupa

    Is this what they call “dog whistle gay alarm?”

  • sarcasticusername

    if he wasn’t gay, that comment about the poor would have sewn up the governor’s race for him! as far as the good people of south carolina are concerned, he can’t hate poor people strongly enough to make up for having such an obvious case of teh gay.

  • EdFlinstone

    Lets see dog whistle racist comments and hanging out at the NASCAR race in Darlington, what do these two things have in common?

  • Ducksworthy

    [re=500521]Hedley Lamar[/re]: I think Tom is back on the magic scientology diet again. He looks like my right wing macrobiotic brother in law.

  • BigDupa

    When does he announce he’s marrying Liza Minnelli?

  • Extemporanus

    Andre Bauer is Cruising!

  • KilgoreTrout_XL

    Tom Cruise looks great. NOT.

    BWAHAHA im hilarious. And I agree, everyone is so relentlessly homo in that picture.

  • norbizness

    The GAFFE was as a RESULT of his BRAIN is infested with THETANS.

  • sezme

    [re=500534]One Yield Regular[/re]: Or possibly the guy who plays Ryan on The Office.

    Anyway, Bauer’s office has clarified that feeding the poors man-chowder is an allowable form of charity.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    “If you have a cat, if you take it in your house and feed it and love it, what happens when you go out of town?”

    Oh, I don’t know. You get someone else to come over and feed it and love it until you get back? Is there a point to your idiotic correlation? Jesus. South Carolina must have some dumb motherfuckers to have elected this guy.

  • DustBowlBlues

    I’m so confused. I keep hearing Republics claim that we need to torture people like Bauer does, to save the world. Now I find out the torture guy is allegedly heterosexual, but Jim says he’s allegedly insanely gay and now he hates the poors and dogs and cats but not animals and is also some kind of political figure in the Carolina state where gay, closeted washed-up movies stars race cars and have their pictures made with the torture guy, who looks too wimpy to save the world, anyway.

    I fucking quit. Politics are confusing. Politics is confusing? See–even the subject-verb agreement is confusing.


  • CaliforniaMike

    Suri and Katie were off with normal S.C. people — i.e., poor — while Andre and Tom were doing teh gay.

  • Sussemilch

    “And here’s a man after my own taste in closets.”

  • Flanders

    [re=500564]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: The cat immediately starts cruising ghey bars?

  • snideinplainsight

    Nice shades, Tom. Bow-chicha-wow-wow!

  • Manos: Hands of Fate

    Back in the 1800s the rich used to be scared of the poor. As in they will rise up and kill me, scared. Goldman-Sachs could start its own show where bankers light their cigars with $100 bills provided by TARP funds and then stamp them out on random unemployed people with zero fear of anyone getting all that worked up about it.

  • ph7

    That’s a loving, gentle hand reaching around Tom’s shoulder.

  • Humpback

    I did not realize before that NASCAR was gay.

  • Escape Goat Nation

    Tomorrow, a picture of Andre with Ed Asner standing next to circular saws at a Home Depot.

  • sezme

    Did his grandmother offered any advice on what to do if a poor follows you home?

  • One Yield Regular

    [re=500544]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: If South Carolina Democrats were on the ball, they’d pay a hack writer to pump out a book with that title and have it hit the shelves three weeks before the election.

  • EdFlinstone

    Andre’s a fan of the 24 car no?

  • Extemporanus

    [re=500564]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: “If you have a cat, if you take it in your house and feed it and love it, what happens when you go out of town?”

    Um, your press secretary, wife, and lieutenant governor all clumsily cover for you until the most respected journalists on daytime cable televsion start asking too many questions and you’re forced to cut your hike short and rush off to the airport to catch an international flight to South Carolina in the dead of night with nothing but the clothes on your back, a Cialis-engorged carry-on, and a face that looks and smells like a honey glazed alfajores atún, perhaps?

  • charlesdegoal

    I remember them in the movie, “My Dinner with André”. They’ve changed over the years, though, the old queens – cosmetic surgery does wonders.

  • thesheriffisnear

    What a revolting development this is.

  • edgydrifter

    Whoa Nellie! My gaydar is picking up a pair of bogeys at twelve low, and they’re coming in HOTTT.

  • FMA

    [re=500564]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: So that’s why I have all of these dead cats in the basement.

  • S.Luggo

    La boisson la plus naturelle est l’eau, la seule que boivent les animaux. [It rhymes.]

  • RoscoePColtraine

    [re=500618]FMA[/re]: [re=500601]Extemporanus[/re]: [re=500569]Flanders[/re]:

    Interesting that he thought of having a pet cat. Rather queer, I’d say.

  • progressiveinga

    That is obvs. not Tom’s ‘good side’. Lighting is off, too. What, no rheostat lighting at the track?

  • RoscoePColtraine

    [re=500618]FMA[/re]: That’s why cats should earn their keep. You know, by killing vermin, and licking your feet with their sandpaper tongues.


  • widestanceromancer

    Needs more straight. A lot more.

  • gjdodger

    Scientology meets Stupidology.

    [re=500555]Ducksworthy[/re]: Actually, he kinda looks like what Mike Huckabee used to look like. Fanatics on fanatic diets go from “morbidly obese” to “Auschwitz survivor” before they find some sort of middle ground.

  • chaste everywhere

    So Tom is The French Lieutenant Governor’s Woman?

  • coolcatdaddy

    Is that really Tom Cruise? Or is it a mannequin?

    Is that really Andre Bauer? Or is it some recently imported haggis?

  • AliBabaInBA

    They look like an annoying couple. You know, the kind that say your wall color is a bit off for the furnishings. . . or maybe it’s the furnishings.

  • Looy

    …Bauer has also been rumored to have considered switching races to run for Congress in South Carolina’s first congressional district…
    that’s one way to win back the black vote

    …a seat being vacated by Rep. Henry Brown. “I am not running for Henry Brown’s seat,” he said… =:o

  • bitchincamaro


  • Aurelio

    The name “André” comes from the Greek, ανδροσ (andros), which is the genitive of the word for “man” (ανερ or “aner”). But if you put an é at the end, it becomes ανδρη (andré), which is the feminine form of “man,” meaning “man-woman” or hermaphrodite.

    Is André a hermaphrodite? Why do so many French people name their kids “André”? Why did Bauer’s parents do it? They could have named him a good old American name, like Jacques, but no-o.

  • Joey Ratz

    [re=500564]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: South Carolina must have some dumb motherfuckers to have elected this guy.

    Well, South Carolinans also elected Mark Sanford, Jim DeMint, Strom Thurmond…

  • Aurelio

    [re=500668]Joey Ratz[/re]: South Carolina is a beautiful State, populated by morons. As soon as you cross the border, you notice that there is something wrong with these people.

  • populucious

    Wow! That is the straightest picture I have ever seen…straight straight straight, just STRAIGHT. No geyness here folks…just straight on to the horizon. Straight as a row of corn, that is. Straight as straight people doing straight things together, straightly.

  • ph7

    More Andre<a href=<lovin’

  • ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=500719]ph7[/re]: Er… Is that an untouched photo of Wide Stance and Andre in a warm embrace, or…

  • Autochthon

    Wow. A chihuahua and a poodle at NASCAR…

  • Paul Tardy

    Look at how he wears that lanyard around his neck, why do they have to dress like that. I mean I don’t mind their life style as long as they don’t advertise it like that.

  • Buttery1000

    What’s wrong with two dudes just being dudes together, hanging out and seeing what happens?

  • Flanders

    [re=500620]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Pussy.

  • JesusButter

    [re=500553]sarcasticusername[/re]: my cubicle-mate is from SC and when I showed her the article today her response was, “Well, I’d vote for him!”. Her reasoning? “Because what he said was soooo true about those people and we need to stop giving money to all those black people in the projects, I mean they all drive ESCALADES!”

  • Starrigavan

    Well, he’s right. If you give people government money, they keep coming back for more. For example there’s this ex-varsity cheerleader, former sports merchandiser we’ll call André. He started receiving government money in 1996 as a state representative. Apparently that was too little money for too much work. Then in 1999 he became a state senator. Still not enough money and too much work. So he ran for the only state job in South Carolina that you can get money with no real responsibilities whatsoever. Lieutenant Governor. He’s got government health care, government retirement and apparently a government supplied “no-speeding-ticket” card. And I don’t see him giving any of that up anytime soon. Look around South Carolina. André is the cat that followed you home.

  • Aurelio

    [re=500779]Buttery1000[/re]: They need to bring along a cube of butter.

  • wallythepug


  • Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=500784]JesusButter[/re]: Which are rented. Talking on cellular phones — that don’t work.


  • blackarachnia

    Mom moved back to SC three years ago and can’t understand why I won’t relocate down there ?
    Uh too many stupidz for my taste

  • Darkness

    My god, Tom Cruise looks like the undead, or one of those oldie diagrams of human anatomy which is just a person with their skin peeled off.

  • AddHomonym

    Hangin’ with Cruise while the lady cats cry,
    “Wow stray cat, you’re a real ghey guy.”

  • bluevelvetelvis

    Man… Stephen Malkmus looks like shit. Guess he’s getting ready for the reunion shows by going to NASCAR-type events?