FUNNY PICTURES  2:47 pm January 25, 2010

Andre Bauer Provides CNN With His Most Awesome Phan Photo

by Jim Newell

Regrets, he's had a fewAre we seeing this correctly? Because we think we’re seeing it correctly: Andre Bauer, the allegedly gay-as-the-dickens French lieutenant governor of “America’s Bordeaux,” South Carolina, has provided CNN with his gayest-ever photo to accompany its article about how he regrets comparing poor people to poor French farm animals, the ones he and Tom Cruise would eat AVEC UNE BOISSON PENDANT LA GUERRE DU TEMPS HAW HAW HAW! [CNN]

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FMA January 25, 2010 at 2:50 pm

I’m guessing the sex tape will be surfacing before the end of the day.

proudgrampa January 25, 2010 at 2:51 pm

Jebus. How gay is that?

Noonan January 25, 2010 at 2:52 pm


Hedley Lamar January 25, 2010 at 2:52 pm

Tom Cruise has really gotten thin.

arclight January 25, 2010 at 2:53 pm

Ooooo Gay Scientologist NASCAR-Loving Lt. Governor André!!!! That will be so awesome when he’s Naked White Obama’s running mate in 2012, crushing Barry and Biden in a 1984-style landslide smackdown!!!! HOORAH!

Fox News Light January 25, 2010 at 2:54 pm

SC wins the day…best part….Noting that he has raised money for a group that protects animals, Bauer also said he is “not against animals.” He is apologizing to animals for comparing them to poor folks.

Flanders January 25, 2010 at 2:54 pm

What’s wrong with Tom? He looks drawn.

Scaggsville guy January 25, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Andre is no giant.

Gopherit January 25, 2010 at 2:55 pm

[re=500519]proudgrampa[/re]: Yeah. When you want to prove you aren’t gay, hang out with anyone but Tom Cruise. Also, it looks like they don’t feed Tom Cruise in SC. Is he poor now?

Dashboard_Buddha January 25, 2010 at 2:57 pm

the mind boggles

SmutBoffin January 25, 2010 at 2:57 pm

Wow, ‘dré barely clears Tom Cruise, i.e. he is quite short. Quel dommage.

Another DC Lawyer (Again) January 25, 2010 at 2:57 pm

What’s the word I’m looking for….not “merkin” but related…oh right, Tom Cruise + NASCAR + Lt. Gov. Starfish = Beard.

RoscoePColtraine January 25, 2010 at 2:58 pm

Tom Cruise likes NASCAR. I think that is the takeaway.

One Yield Regular January 25, 2010 at 2:58 pm

How do we know that guy with Andre Bauer isn’t actually Iggy Pop?

liquiddaddy January 25, 2010 at 2:58 pm

[re=500521]Hedley Lamar[/re]: and not in a good way

PickneyPinchback January 25, 2010 at 2:59 pm

“I never intended to tie people to animals,” he said.

Bauer went on to explain that the comment about stray animals had nothing whatsoever to do with his comments on poor people, noting that it is common to insert totally unrelated, random stories into a speech without it having anything to do with what one is saying at the moment. “Just because I used it in the form of an analogy does not mean I meant to imply any sort of relationship whatsoever.”

Bauer then disappeared into a back room with Tom Cruise.

McDuff January 25, 2010 at 3:00 pm

There’s a pair — one equates those on welfare with stray cats while the other thinks he used to be possessed by the souls of frozen aliens dropped into Earthly volcanos from DC-8 shaped star ships millions of years ago, as ‘discovered’ by a washed-up sci-fi writer.

The Huffington Pogue January 25, 2010 at 3:00 pm

I can’t wait for the Anderson Cooper exclusive.

BlueStateLibtard January 25, 2010 at 3:00 pm

When will he announce that he’s going to Haiti to help the poors and the poor stray animals, and then get caught in nookie?

PickneyPinchback January 25, 2010 at 3:00 pm

[re=500524]Flanders[/re]: Tom’s been hanging out with Andre and Andre says to feed him would only encourage him to stick around. Andre likes his freedoms and carefree bachelor ways!

Hedley Lamar January 25, 2010 at 3:01 pm

[re=500536]liquiddaddy[/re]: Yeah but the crazy still shines through.

Monsieur Grumpe January 25, 2010 at 3:03 pm
Terry January 25, 2010 at 3:04 pm

FABULOUS photo, Andre!

RoscoePColtraine January 25, 2010 at 3:06 pm

Closeted, starstruck provincial Lt. Governor says what?

queeraselvis v 2.0 January 25, 2010 at 3:07 pm

Given the Marianas Trench-like appearance of the stretch marks around his mouth, poor Tom really should back away from smoking those manpoles.

give us a bob January 25, 2010 at 3:09 pm

I’m giggling at the prospect of Teabaggers having to learn keyboard shortcuts to correctly spell Áñdrë ßàûér. Because really, how can circumflexes, tildes, and cedillas NOT sound like some Dan Savage would write about?

BigDupa January 25, 2010 at 3:11 pm

Is this what they call “dog whistle gay alarm?”

sarcasticusername January 25, 2010 at 3:11 pm

if he wasn’t gay, that comment about the poor would have sewn up the governor’s race for him! as far as the good people of south carolina are concerned, he can’t hate poor people strongly enough to make up for having such an obvious case of teh gay.

EdFlinstone January 25, 2010 at 3:11 pm

Lets see dog whistle racist comments and hanging out at the NASCAR race in Darlington, what do these two things have in common?

Ducksworthy January 25, 2010 at 3:11 pm

[re=500521]Hedley Lamar[/re]: I think Tom is back on the magic scientology diet again. He looks like my right wing macrobiotic brother in law.

BigDupa January 25, 2010 at 3:12 pm

When does he announce he’s marrying Liza Minnelli?

Extemporanus January 25, 2010 at 3:13 pm

Andre Bauer is Cruising!

KilgoreTrout_XL January 25, 2010 at 3:13 pm

Tom Cruise looks great. NOT.

BWAHAHA im hilarious. And I agree, everyone is so relentlessly homo in that picture.

norbizness January 25, 2010 at 3:16 pm

The GAFFE was as a RESULT of his BRAIN is infested with THETANS.

sezme January 25, 2010 at 3:18 pm

[re=500534]One Yield Regular[/re]: Or possibly the guy who plays Ryan on The Office.

Anyway, Bauer’s office has clarified that feeding the poors man-chowder is an allowable form of charity.

RoscoePColtraine January 25, 2010 at 3:18 pm

“If you have a cat, if you take it in your house and feed it and love it, what happens when you go out of town?”

Oh, I don’t know. You get someone else to come over and feed it and love it until you get back? Is there a point to your idiotic correlation? Jesus. South Carolina must have some dumb motherfuckers to have elected this guy.

DustBowlBlues January 25, 2010 at 3:19 pm

I’m so confused. I keep hearing Republics claim that we need to torture people like Bauer does, to save the world. Now I find out the torture guy is allegedly heterosexual, but Jim says he’s allegedly insanely gay and now he hates the poors and dogs and cats but not animals and is also some kind of political figure in the Carolina state where gay, closeted washed-up movies stars race cars and have their pictures made with the torture guy, who looks too wimpy to save the world, anyway.

I fucking quit. Politics are confusing. Politics is confusing? See–even the subject-verb agreement is confusing.


CaliforniaMike January 25, 2010 at 3:23 pm

Suri and Katie were off with normal S.C. people — i.e., poor — while Andre and Tom were doing teh gay.

Sussemilch January 25, 2010 at 3:24 pm

“And here’s a man after my own taste in closets.”

Flanders January 25, 2010 at 3:24 pm

[re=500564]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: The cat immediately starts cruising ghey bars?

snideinplainsight January 25, 2010 at 3:26 pm

Nice shades, Tom. Bow-chicha-wow-wow!

Manos: Hands of Fate January 25, 2010 at 3:32 pm

Back in the 1800s the rich used to be scared of the poor. As in they will rise up and kill me, scared. Goldman-Sachs could start its own show where bankers light their cigars with $100 bills provided by TARP funds and then stamp them out on random unemployed people with zero fear of anyone getting all that worked up about it.

ph7 January 25, 2010 at 3:32 pm

That’s a loving, gentle hand reaching around Tom’s shoulder.

Humpback January 25, 2010 at 3:33 pm

I did not realize before that NASCAR was gay.

Escape Goat Nation January 25, 2010 at 3:33 pm

Tomorrow, a picture of Andre with Ed Asner standing next to circular saws at a Home Depot.

sezme January 25, 2010 at 3:34 pm

Did his grandmother offered any advice on what to do if a poor follows you home?

One Yield Regular January 25, 2010 at 3:34 pm

[re=500544]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: If South Carolina Democrats were on the ball, they’d pay a hack writer to pump out a book with that title and have it hit the shelves three weeks before the election.

EdFlinstone January 25, 2010 at 3:46 pm

Andre’s a fan of the 24 car no?

Extemporanus January 25, 2010 at 3:50 pm

[re=500564]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: “If you have a cat, if you take it in your house and feed it and love it, what happens when you go out of town?”

Um, your press secretary, wife, and lieutenant governor all clumsily cover for you until the most respected journalists on daytime cable televsion start asking too many questions and you’re forced to cut your hike short and rush off to the airport to catch an international flight to South Carolina in the dead of night with nothing but the clothes on your back, a Cialis-engorged carry-on, and a face that looks and smells like a honey glazed alfajores atún, perhaps?

charlesdegoal January 25, 2010 at 3:50 pm

I remember them in the movie, “My Dinner with André”. They’ve changed over the years, though, the old queens – cosmetic surgery does wonders.

thesheriffisnear January 25, 2010 at 3:52 pm

What a revolting development this is.

edgydrifter January 25, 2010 at 3:57 pm

Whoa Nellie! My gaydar is picking up a pair of bogeys at twelve low, and they’re coming in HOTTT.

FMA January 25, 2010 at 4:00 pm

[re=500564]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: So that’s why I have all of these dead cats in the basement.

S.Luggo January 25, 2010 at 4:02 pm

La boisson la plus naturelle est l’eau, la seule que boivent les animaux. [It rhymes.]

RoscoePColtraine January 25, 2010 at 4:03 pm

[re=500618]FMA[/re]: [re=500601]Extemporanus[/re]: [re=500569]Flanders[/re]:

Interesting that he thought of having a pet cat. Rather queer, I’d say.

progressiveinga January 25, 2010 at 4:06 pm

That is obvs. not Tom’s ‘good side’. Lighting is off, too. What, no rheostat lighting at the track?

RoscoePColtraine January 25, 2010 at 4:09 pm

[re=500618]FMA[/re]: That’s why cats should earn their keep. You know, by killing vermin, and licking your feet with their sandpaper tongues.


widestanceromancer January 25, 2010 at 4:11 pm

Needs more straight. A lot more.

gjdodger January 25, 2010 at 4:21 pm

Scientology meets Stupidology.

[re=500555]Ducksworthy[/re]: Actually, he kinda looks like what Mike Huckabee used to look like. Fanatics on fanatic diets go from “morbidly obese” to “Auschwitz survivor” before they find some sort of middle ground.

chaste everywhere January 25, 2010 at 4:27 pm

So Tom is The French Lieutenant Governor’s Woman?

coolcatdaddy January 25, 2010 at 4:29 pm

Is that really Tom Cruise? Or is it a mannequin?

Is that really Andre Bauer? Or is it some recently imported haggis?

AliBabaInBA January 25, 2010 at 4:32 pm

They look like an annoying couple. You know, the kind that say your wall color is a bit off for the furnishings. . . or maybe it’s the furnishings.

Looy January 25, 2010 at 4:33 pm

…Bauer has also been rumored to have considered switching races to run for Congress in South Carolina’s first congressional district…
that’s one way to win back the black vote

…a seat being vacated by Rep. Henry Brown. “I am not running for Henry Brown’s seat,” he said… =:o

bitchincamaro January 25, 2010 at 4:42 pm


Aurelio January 25, 2010 at 4:44 pm

The name “André” comes from the Greek, ανδροσ (andros), which is the genitive of the word for “man” (ανερ or “aner”). But if you put an é at the end, it becomes ανδρη (andré), which is the feminine form of “man,” meaning “man-woman” or hermaphrodite.

Is André a hermaphrodite? Why do so many French people name their kids “André”? Why did Bauer’s parents do it? They could have named him a good old American name, like Jacques, but no-o.

Joey Ratz January 25, 2010 at 4:44 pm

[re=500564]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: South Carolina must have some dumb motherfuckers to have elected this guy.

Well, South Carolinans also elected Mark Sanford, Jim DeMint, Strom Thurmond…

Aurelio January 25, 2010 at 4:50 pm

[re=500668]Joey Ratz[/re]: South Carolina is a beautiful State, populated by morons. As soon as you cross the border, you notice that there is something wrong with these people.

populucious January 25, 2010 at 5:20 pm

Wow! That is the straightest picture I have ever seen…straight straight straight, just STRAIGHT. No geyness here folks…just straight on to the horizon. Straight as a row of corn, that is. Straight as straight people doing straight things together, straightly.

ph7 January 25, 2010 at 5:21 pm

More Andre<a href=<lovin’

ForTheTurnstiles January 25, 2010 at 5:49 pm

[re=500719]ph7[/re]: Er… Is that an untouched photo of Wide Stance and Andre in a warm embrace, or…

Autochthon January 25, 2010 at 6:01 pm

Wow. A chihuahua and a poodle at NASCAR…

Paul Tardy January 25, 2010 at 6:08 pm

Look at how he wears that lanyard around his neck, why do they have to dress like that. I mean I don’t mind their life style as long as they don’t advertise it like that.

Buttery1000 January 25, 2010 at 6:10 pm

What’s wrong with two dudes just being dudes together, hanging out and seeing what happens?

Flanders January 25, 2010 at 6:19 pm

[re=500620]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Pussy.

JesusButter January 25, 2010 at 6:20 pm

[re=500553]sarcasticusername[/re]: my cubicle-mate is from SC and when I showed her the article today her response was, “Well, I’d vote for him!”. Her reasoning? “Because what he said was soooo true about those people and we need to stop giving money to all those black people in the projects, I mean they all drive ESCALADES!”

Starrigavan January 25, 2010 at 6:27 pm

Well, he’s right. If you give people government money, they keep coming back for more. For example there’s this ex-varsity cheerleader, former sports merchandiser we’ll call André. He started receiving government money in 1996 as a state representative. Apparently that was too little money for too much work. Then in 1999 he became a state senator. Still not enough money and too much work. So he ran for the only state job in South Carolina that you can get money with no real responsibilities whatsoever. Lieutenant Governor. He’s got government health care, government retirement and apparently a government supplied “no-speeding-ticket” card. And I don’t see him giving any of that up anytime soon. Look around South Carolina. André is the cat that followed you home.

Aurelio January 25, 2010 at 6:36 pm

[re=500779]Buttery1000[/re]: They need to bring along a cube of butter.

wallythepug January 25, 2010 at 6:46 pm


Long Form Def Certificate January 25, 2010 at 7:16 pm

[re=500784]JesusButter[/re]: Which are rented. Talking on cellular phones — that don’t work.


blackarachnia January 25, 2010 at 8:46 pm

Mom moved back to SC three years ago and can’t understand why I won’t relocate down there ?
Uh too many stupidz for my taste

Darkness January 25, 2010 at 9:07 pm

My god, Tom Cruise looks like the undead, or one of those oldie diagrams of human anatomy which is just a person with their skin peeled off.

AddHomonym January 25, 2010 at 11:07 pm

Hangin’ with Cruise while the lady cats cry,
“Wow stray cat, you’re a real ghey guy.”

bluevelvetelvis January 26, 2010 at 2:39 am

Man… Stephen Malkmus looks like shit. Guess he’s getting ready for the reunion shows by going to NASCAR-type events?

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