CARTOON VIOLENCE  12:10 pm January 22, 2010

Revenge Of The Wrath Of The Return Of The Foreigns

by Josh Fruhlinger

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Happy Friday, liberal weenies! Or should I say “suicidally depressing Friday,” because all of you are almost certainly suicidally depressed, what with the naked Republican Ted Kennedies and the coming corporate control of all elections and the bankruptcy of your precious liberal radio station! Anyway, like your liberal weenie foreparents, you will respond to this setback as you have with all others: by sulkily claiming that you’re going to move to some more enlightened Foreign country. But of course, you’ll never actually do this, because it would be hard, and involve improving on those two years of Spanish you took in high school, but in case you ever get the urge to really, really make the plunge and become an ex-pat, you might want to check on the quality of the Foreigns’ political cartoons. They aren’t good! Do you really want to be looking at these in your newspaper every day?

Click the Foreign cartoons to make them bigger (but no more comprehensible).

We all know that you probably weren’t going to move to Nigeria, because of your racism, but just in case you were thinking about it, you might want to check out this iconographical mess. Here you can see what appears to be the entire nation of Togo flying away from the enormous and terrifying crotch of some soccer player, who has written “African Cup Of Nations” on his sock, to inspire him to glory. In fact, it’s just the Togolese soccer team, and it’s flying away from the Angola-hosted African Cup of Nations because their team bus got machine-gunned, although you might assume from looking at this cartoon that they actually hit a mine, because of the giant land mine labelled “ANGOLA” right in the middle of the damn drawing. It’s possible that having soccer played on fields (or “pitches,” as they say among the Foreigns — get this right if you’re planning to move, as there’s nothing the Foreigns love more than soccer, or “football”) littered with land mines might actually make this sport more interesting, but I assume that this is not the polemical intent of our Nigerian artist. Probably.

As always, the Germans are much more straightforward in how they express things. They like the erotic feelings they get when watching a cybernetic octopus and an Asian octopus gently and slowly drape their clammy tentacles over each other, in a prelude to mind-blowingly hot cephalo-sex. They look angry at each other now, but that will only make the eventual slimy coupling all the hotter. I can’t wait to see the Asian octopus tear off those square glasses with one appendage while using the other seven to sensually caress its lover. Of course, the Germans, ever culturally insensitive, have depicted the Asian half of this mollusktastic fuckfest as China. Silly Krauts, everyone knows that it’s the Japanese who are into the tentacle rape!

Much more horrifying than any depiction of sea life gettin’ freaky is this collection of terrible Celt-dwarves from the cheerful drunkards at Dublin’s Irish Times. This cartoon is ostensibly about a pair of particularly squicky sex scandals going on in Northern Ireland (involving Jesus freak cougar financial impropriety and creepy molesty IRA guys), but it mostly seems to be a showcase for these freakish gnomes, who are more terrifying than any leprechaun. This cartoon should be posted in doctors’ offices everywhere to show what generations of fetal alcohol syndrome and dependency on potatoes for all nutrients can do to a people.

The Haitians are obviously too busy digging themselves out of the rubble to make a wry comment about their situation in cartoon form; so, in the spirit of helping, the South Koreans have done it for them! The ecumenically vague Creator is staring down on the flaming rubble that was Haiti, far at the bottom of his God-Cliff. Is He responsible for this destruction, as vengeance or as part of a larger, inscrutable plan? Is He right now helping to resolve the situation, with His magical deity powers? Or is He merely impassively observing the trials and tribulations of His creation? The South Koreans are not taking a stance on these theological questions, which I frankly feel to be something of a cop-out in a cartoon about God, you know?

Meanwhile, a naked Angela Merkel lounges erotically on an ice floe somewhere off the coast of one of Germany’s most smog-choked industrial towns. She looks uncomfortable — wouldn’t you, if your naked buttocks were parked on some piece of no doubt soot-covered ice? — but her sense of duty to the Fatherland and the Volk compels her to stay at her post. The Germans associate the bone-chilling Baltic and the sea creatures therein with sexuality, is what I’m getting from these cartoons.

Say, I’ll bet our friends “Down Under” (i.e., the descendants of the dregs of Britain’s 19th century prisons) have some cogent things to say about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, in cartoons drawn when they were not at all drunk! See, the caption on this cartoon reads “Israel Builds Wall,” and, uh, it’s sort of a rebus, I guess! There’s the Star of David, which is Israel, and then there’s a wall, which is the wall, and then there’s a pyramid, which represents “building,” because in order to have a pyramid, you have to build it, see. They don’t just grow out of the ground, you know! Don’t trust those guys who who try to sell you a brick and tell you that it’s a “pyramid seed”! It’s a scam! Anyway, from the arrangement of these semantic components, we can tell that whatever language they speak in Australia generally has a Subject-Object-Verb word order, and that their writing system is a crude series of ideograms of various levels of abstraction. Also, we learn that the Australians don’t keep up with the news much, since the wall in the West Bank has been in progress for something like eight or nine years now.

After consuming inordinate amounts of Foster’s, Australians enjoy wiring up those babies that have survived dingo attacks with high explosives. Australians are the worst people in the world, basically.

 
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{ 42 comments }

Ducksworthy January 22, 2010 at 12:17 pm

At last, some relief from the hellishness of this week. Oh no! Shite.

thefrontpage January 22, 2010 at 12:19 pm

THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT’S ASSOCIATION

PRESS RELEASE PRESS RELEASE PRESS RELEASE PRESS RELEASE PRESS RELEASE

UPDATE:

Jan. 22, 2010, Washington, D.C.: The White House Correspondent’s Association has just announced that Jay Leno’s hosting duties at the annual WHCA dinner in May, 2010, will be pushed back to 8:05 p.m., and after that, Conan O’Brien will start to host the dinner half an hour later, starting at 8:35 p.m. After an hour of O’Brien hosting, Jimmy Fallon will then host the dinner, starting at 9:35 p.m. After an hour of hosting by Fallon, Carson Daly, or his animated corpse, will then host the dinner from 10:35 p.m. to 11:35 p.m., at which time everyone can then go home and kill themselves.

# # #

freakishlystrong January 22, 2010 at 12:27 pm

We shant be reading cartoons, silly CC! We’ll be wandering old streets, stopping in bars for a glass of vino, our work weeks will be 35 hours and we’ll have 10 weeks off a year. And single payer health care. Y’know, the life we shoulda had. USA! USA!

Paterlanger January 22, 2010 at 12:30 pm

None of these pictures has any obvious tie-in to Scott Brown. Boring!

Barcode of the Apocalypse January 22, 2010 at 12:35 pm

Since Charlton Heston led the Jews on a work-stoppage action wherein they walked away from their jobs building the Pyramids, that means that the Egyptians won’t allow them to place a Star of David on top of the Pyramids to celebrate Hannukah, with barbed wire. Just my interpretation.

gurukalehuru January 22, 2010 at 12:36 pm

Opus is God? Well, why the hell not.

WadISay January 22, 2010 at 12:37 pm

[re=499480]Paterlanger[/re]: The Korean one does, if you change “Haiti” to “Massachusetts”.

Red Zeppelin January 22, 2010 at 12:43 pm

If you really want to piss an Aussie off start going Python on them, like, e.g.
“Cuivre Reserve Château Bottled Nuit San Wogga Wogga, which has a bouquet like an aborigine’s armpit.” They claim they don’t like it because of the Racism, but in fact they hate it when you criticize their hootch.

Dean Booth January 22, 2010 at 12:44 pm

[re=499480]Paterlanger[/re]: The guy with the goatee and pencil is Scott Brown in 12 years.

JMP January 22, 2010 at 12:44 pm

The Korean one is just re-asking the age old question, What if god was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? The what would he or she (and that non-denominational creator is seriously androgynous) do about the Haiti mess? Not much, apparently.

The Australian one; that’s a lot harder to get. Yeah, I see the comparison to the Berlin wall, but what the fuck is the pyramid doing there? It makes no sense whatsoever.

Terry January 22, 2010 at 12:47 pm

A big wtf on the last one, Australia.

Red Zeppelin January 22, 2010 at 12:48 pm

[re=499488]JMP[/re]: As sung by Mini-Me, obv.

Autoo January 22, 2010 at 12:50 pm

“I WILL NOT LET BADMOUTH COPENHAGEN”

Whomever translated the Angela-Merkle-As-Mermaid cartoon has the stuff to be a Wonkette commenter.

Naked Bunny with a Whip January 22, 2010 at 12:55 pm

Australians are the worst people in the world, basically.

Hey, it’s the baby who’s wearing the explosives. Shouldn’t babies be getting strip searched by the feds? Put ‘em in Gitmo ’til they talk!

bureaucrap January 22, 2010 at 12:56 pm

“sulkily claiming that you’re going to move to some more enlightened Foreign country”

Josh: Please stop tapping my phone.

Come here a minute January 22, 2010 at 12:56 pm

God has just pushed Haiti off the cliff, and is now watching it smash into a million pieces, because it made a deal with the devil. TRUE FACT.

proudgrampa January 22, 2010 at 12:59 pm

“Click the Foreign cartoons to make them bigger (but no more comprehensible).”

Truer words never written!

SayItWithWookies January 22, 2010 at 1:00 pm

[re=499488]JMP[/re]: The wall in question is between the southern end of the Gaza strip and the Sinai, hence the pyramid. Israel’s got too many walls for cartoons like that to be clear anymore — although the real confusion won’t start until they build the roof.

My WTF reaction, though, is to the Google vs. China one — octopi do not have suckers on the tops of their tentacles — and for some reason it looks gross to have them depicted that way — like putting ears on peoples’ elbows or something.

the problem child January 22, 2010 at 1:01 pm

“Don’t trust those guys who who try to sell you a brick and tell you that it’s a “pyramid seed”! It’s a scam!” Wise words.

But if someone claiming to be the Nigerian Businessman offers you a whole pyramid, that’s a scheme you can get on top of!

the problem child January 22, 2010 at 1:05 pm

[re=499501]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Or batwings on their anvils?

SayItWithWookies January 22, 2010 at 1:12 pm

[re=499505]the problem child[/re]: Those are a feature.

bureaucrap January 22, 2010 at 1:17 pm

[re=499493]Autoo[/re]: I read the cartoon as meaning that PM Merkel would not rent out apartments in an apartment building she apparently owns in Denmark, called the “Badmouth Copenhagen”, depicted in the background. “Badmouth” is German for “Bath of Courage” — an odd name for a building, I admit, but really no odder than the numerous apartment buildings in anglophone countries that are called “X Arms” and only slightly odder than naming buildings after English counties and/or nobility. She won’t rent out the rooms because there is clearly something wrong with the heating system. As for her being naked — Everyone knows that all Germans are nudists.

pampl January 22, 2010 at 1:28 pm

In the Haiti cartoon “Haiti” clearly points to the Jesusish “The Creator”. I’m not sure what Haiti-God is looking at, but there’s stink lines coming up from it so maybe it’s a primitive latrine. In conclusion, our Western minds can’t understand the nuances of this cartoon.

pussycat January 22, 2010 at 1:33 pm

Ah now, in Martyn Turner’s defence, most of us Irish (and the odd Brit) really are that ugly. Along with incompetence and general gobshitery, it’s practically a requirement for entering politics.

ALIVE! January 22, 2010 at 2:08 pm

[re=499486]Red Zeppelin[/re]: “Twelve bottles of this and you’re really finished!”

Monsieur Grumpe January 22, 2010 at 2:38 pm

[re=499512]pampl[/re]:
Stink lines usually are an indication that the French are present.

Red Zeppelin January 22, 2010 at 3:02 pm

[re=499553]ALIVE![/re]: “At the Sydney Bridge Club, they were fishing them out of the sewers every half an hour.”

AnnieGetYourFun January 22, 2010 at 3:06 pm

I sulkily stand by my choice of New Zealand in terms of enlightened foreign countries that I want to move to, even though they don’t speak English.

Extemporanus January 22, 2010 at 3:06 pm

Thank you, Mr. Curmudgeon, for providing the 997 words each of these pictures was sorely lacking.

Now if you’ll please excuse me, I have to go water my pyramid seed with a steaming hot cup of cephalo-semen.

Dustin de Wynde January 22, 2010 at 4:21 pm

I’m an Ex-Pat.

I knew from the moment that Mister Hopey said ‘So help me…God’ and dropped his right hand that the American Nazi Moran Party was gonna go absolutely ape-shitz.

So, right after the Inauguration I immediately packed my shit up I fled to a place where I knew I’d be safe.

Which would be…

Germany.

Let’s see, shitty comics or naked boobies on the news and front page of my daily Reich Wing newspaper?

And where beer is officially considered a ‘foodstuff’, and it’s in a place where people look at you funny if you *don’t* order beer with your lunch?

Tough call.

I can offer no excuse for that crap translation. Kind of baffling actually, since we arrogant fucks dub everything here into German, even if it doesn’t work, i.e. 75% of The Simpsons gets lost in translation, but we do it anyway.

Accordion-o-rama January 22, 2010 at 4:36 pm

I think the rebus is JUDE + WIRE + DESERT CLASSIC, refering to the following:

http://www.golfdigest.com/golf-tours-news/2009-06/golf_memphis_stjude_0614

Guppy06 January 22, 2010 at 4:37 pm

[re=499486]Red Zeppelin[/re]: No poofters!

Accordion-o-rama January 22, 2010 at 4:37 pm

The first cartoon might be clearer if, in addition to labeling the plane “TOGO”,
the soccer ball was labeled “TO KICK”.

Accordion-o-rama January 22, 2010 at 4:40 pm

[re=499765]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: Note the hidden Gay agenda.

Guppy06 January 22, 2010 at 4:44 pm

Hey, I’m all for freaky (albeit Jesus-freaky) Irish cougars paying 80k for teenaged gigolos. That’s what the US needs more of!

Sussemilch January 22, 2010 at 5:25 pm

[re=499501]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I just assumed it was the old standard “yes we are the original contractor for the construction of the Pyramids but we cannot be held liable for the deteriorating conditions of said buildings and the ‘lifetime guarantee’ of workmanship expired with the original pharoah and is not transferable through sale or inheritance,” so piss off, yadda yadda.

Dolmance January 22, 2010 at 8:03 pm

Ha ha… I left in 2000. And headlines like the ones that have been coming in rapid succession over the last few days that used to cause me migraines and intense nausea now just make me laugh.

doloras January 22, 2010 at 10:20 pm

[re=499612]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Korero mai i te reo Maori!

ladymacbeth January 22, 2010 at 11:04 pm

i’m leaving. i’m leaving. really leaving.

v.v. soon

Dolmance January 23, 2010 at 12:01 am

[re=499612]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: After 2000 I went to Tijuana for five years. I recommend it highly. Sure there’s beheadings and tearing people’s faces off and stitching them to soccer balls, but I try to focus on the good stuff, like the opera and the poetry readings at the local coffee bars. And the music scene is pretty neat too. Now I’ve just let myself keep drifting south and the more southerly I get the better it is.

Tijuana is infinitely less corrupt than the US. And the people fuck better too.

Darkness January 23, 2010 at 1:49 pm

I like that last one. Summarizes everything quite nicely. I guess I should throw in a: Blimey! as a noise of appreciation.

Rock Ripsnort January 23, 2010 at 10:10 pm

[re=499501]SayItWithWookies[/re]: O right, because there’s a non-gross way to depict octopi?

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