If Haitians Thought That Earthquake Was Bad, Wait Until John Edwards Exploits Them For A Pathetic Publicity Stunt

Well well well! Well. Well. Well. HMM. John Edwards has arrived in Haiti to do relief work. He is perhaps the only person on Earth right now who can volunteer to bring doctors, food, and supplies to dying Haitians and becomemoreof a monstrous asshole by doing so.

Kidding here? Is he kidding us with another of his many hilarious jokes? Couldn't he at least have gone to Haiti a few days before he e-mailed out his latest embarrassing, pathetic press release? He's obviously not going to help anyone, during this comically transparent PR gig. ( Unless impregnating every woman in Haiti is considered help.) (It's not.)

Maybe every now and then John Edwards says or does something that isn't a lie or a farce, but we wouldn't put money on it. Remember how he tried to run as the Democrat who cared so deeply about urban poverty that he just... he just couldn't quit! He had to save the people! He had to launch his campaign in the Lower Ninth Ward. He just had to be there. He had to help those people. And he had to be there again when he finally dropped out. Remember? He told the media not to follow him as he strolled privately down the streets of the Lower Ninth Ward, to justbewith the people, man, the people, before giving his concession speech. The media obeyed. Does anyone know how many babies were born in the Lower Ninth Ward nine months later? It's worth looking into.

THE CRUSADER OF POVERTY.

After he dropped out, he would not endorse either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton for months because, according to his own anonymous leaks, he DEMANDED in return that his pick add more platform planks for POVERTY. Political pressure meant nothing to him! He was a fighter for the poor, the impoverished, and he could not lend his Moral Authority to any candidate who cared so little about the poor, unlike John Edwards.

He sought nothing for himself.

...Wait, WHAT? 

Now, with the results of Iowa in, Edwards determined it was time to make the deal. A little while before taking the stage to deliver his concession speech, he summoned Hindery to his hotel suite and issued a directive: “Get ahold of Tom.”

Hindery considered the timing miserable. Obama just frickin’ won Iowa, he thought. Give him a chance to savor it. But Edwards wanted to set the wheels in motion—immediately.

Hindery left the Edwards suite and tried frantically to locate Daschle, but discovered that he wasn’t in Iowa. Calls were placed. Messages were left. No one knew where he was.

As Edwards delivered his speech, Hindery stood to his right, until an aide alerted him that Daschle was on the phone. Hindery stepped offstage and took the call, straining to hear Daschle over the noise of the crowd. “Tom? I’ve got John right here,” Hindery said. “You aren’t going to believe this, but he’s willing to cut a deal right now. He’ll agree to be Barack’s V.P.”

“Are you sure you want to do this now?” a dumbfounded Daschle asked.

“I’m not, but he is,” Hindery replied.

All right, Daschle said. I’ll take it to Barack.

But with the victory in Iowa now gusting at his back, Obama rejected the entreaty out of hand. Convinced along with his advisers that he was all but certain to win the New Hampshire primary five days later, he was poised to plunge the dagger into Hillary all by himself.

Clinton’s astonishing comeback in New Hampshire put an end to Obama’s hopes of a quick finish to the nomination contest—and led Edwards to believe that there was still an opening to strike a bargain. On the eve of the South Carolina primary two weeks later, he again dispatched Hindery to make a revised offer, this time a trade for Edwards’s endorsement.

“John will settle for attorney general,” Hindery e-mailed Daschle.

Daschle shook his head. How desperate is this guy?

“Leo, this isn’t good for John,” Daschle replied. “This is ridiculous. It’s going to be ambassador to Zimbabwe next.”

When Obama heard about the suggested quid pro quo, he was incredulous. That’s crazy, he told Axelrod. If I were willing to make a deal like that, I shouldn’t be president!

And this is why John Edwards will save Haiti by sunset, the end.

 John Edwards goes to Haiti [CBS]

 Edwards: The most damning excerpt [Al Giordano/The Field]