OUR NATION'S FIRST WHITE PRESIDENT  9:54 pm January 19, 2010

Liveblogging the Death of Socialism, Which Is Ted Kennedy’s Fault

by Ken Layne

Free Scott Brown's wang!Are you feeling nostalgic for Election Night 2008? This is almost exactly like that night, with a few small differences. For one, it’s again illegal to be black in America, so go back to Socialism-land, Rahm! Also, Andrew Sullivan may move back to Canada, he’s so bummed. There’s also a very good chance the beloved Health Care Reform will be passed. But still, SO SAD, right? MARTHA COAKLEY IS AMERICA’S BIGGEST LOSER. Let’s enjoy the final liveblog of the final night of the final election of Soviet America, because life is going to be awesome once the Republicans use their complete control of the White House and Congress to send you back to prison, hippie.

9:56 PM — Martha Coakley concedes, live, on the teevee.
9:57 PM — And she makes an utterly lame joke about a 40-year-old English pop song.
9:58 PM — Good lord, she was never into this at all, was she?
10:00 PM — Martha Coakley shouldn’t ever say words like “passion” and “energy.”
10:01 PM — She seems truly relieved, doesn’t she? Her dogs are super happy, too. Thanks, Martha, for ruining America because you couldn’t be bothered to campaign for Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat.
10:01 PM — It’s truly an American Triumph to lose Ted’s seat in Massachusetts. HOORAY FOR MARTHA COAKLEY’S DOGS, who do not have to move to shitty Washington!!!
10:02 PM — “I am heartbroken at the results,” eh, seems false.
10:02 PM — Well, now HOPE/OBAMA/ETC. is in the hands of Nancy Pelosi. Yayy!
10:03 PM — Uh, Martha, the “angry” people who voted for Scott Brown aren’t exactly the ones worried about our Many Losing Wars. They just want to stomp poor(er) people in America who don’t have health care.
10:05 PM — Honestly, life in prison for whatever genius chose THAT person to run for Ted Kennedy’s seat.
10:08 PM — Ha ha, crazy Reaganite War Monster Jim Webb says it would be “wise” (for his approval ratings) for the Senate to never do health care reform, etc.
10:11 PM — From the email box: “The loss of Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat sends a clear message that the Senate health care bill does not go far enough. Click here to automatically sign our petition telling President Obama, Speaker Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Reid that the Senate must use reconciliation to pass a better health care bill with a strong public option.” Sure, why not?
10:11 PM — Whoa now Chris Matthews is talking about LBJ’s civil rights sledgehammer, he “scared the bejesus” out of some committee, etc., “I want you to pass all the crap,” this is a HISTORY, folks, of the Senate.
10:12 PM — We actually like when Chris Matthews gives a quick, insane history of some distant-past Washington maneuver that resulted in something crazy like, say, black people getting some basic rights that white people had.
10:19 PM — Keith Olbermann just apologized to Scott Brown, for forgetting to call Brown a sexist. NOW SCOTT BROWN WILL HAVE TO RESIGN.
10:20 PM — And why did Scott Brown fail to apologize for wanting to sodomize Martha Coakley with a “curling iron”?
10:20 PM — Okay, let’s see … how’s that Letterman / Conan thing going? What happens there, anyway? Is it like a Twitter contest, a “Face Off,” of sorts. ALSO: These new quit-smoking commercials are kind of hilarious. “You don’t drink every time you smoke ….” Oh really?
10:24 PM — Uhh, Scott Brown? How long does it take to strip down and hit the stage?

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rafflesinc January 19, 2010 at 9:55 pm

How can it be that a President has failed when his party still controls 59 out of 100 seats in the Senate? HOOOW? like Jon Stewart said, Bush had way less and he still did whatever the fuck he wanted.

edgydrifter January 19, 2010 at 9:57 pm

Is it too soon to call 2012 for President Schlong?

rafflesinc January 19, 2010 at 9:57 pm

Oh yeah, to feel better, remember that on election 2008 eve, we only had like 56 or 57 seats. Remember how awesome 57 seats seemed like ? fuck

Long Form Def Certificate January 19, 2010 at 9:58 pm

That kid cannot be more tha 12. For his parents to have him holding that sign — criminal.

Someone call Child Protective Services. Odds on dad’s sodomizing him or mom’s giving HJ.

rocktonsammy January 19, 2010 at 10:00 pm


Somebody better get to work in whatever state Robert Byrd is still alive in.

shortsshortsshorts January 19, 2010 at 10:02 pm

Oh fucking god damn shit I waited until now to start watching this clusterfuck and Coakley screwed the pooch? HOW THE HELL DID SHE SCREW THE POOCH SO BAD?

Well I guess it’s time to go along with what certain news outlets are saying:


At least he will write some fine books in 20 years.

Democrat fail.

Sparky McGruff January 19, 2010 at 10:02 pm

[re=497462]edgydrifter[/re]: Ice Cold MILF/Hairy Schlong ticket. Total IQ < 80. Real Amerricuh.

BarackMyWorld January 19, 2010 at 10:04 pm

[re=497462]edgydrifter[/re]: Matthews was already talking about a possible Scott Brown presidential bid in 2012 because he can “pick a winner.” I shit you not.

clientnumber8 January 19, 2010 at 10:04 pm

Schadenfreude in so many ways. Congratulations, Massachusetts.

rafflesinc January 19, 2010 at 10:08 pm

[re=497471]rocktonsammy[/re]: Apparently the Dem Gov there already has a Plan B. Hopefully it doesn’t involve an election …

SayItWithWookies January 19, 2010 at 10:08 pm

Hey, remember that 2008 election and how it went so well that voters would never have to do anything anymore ever, because it was all happily ever after? Yeah, well this is what happens. So you know those 2010 elections coming up? You know when they start? Yesterday. You’re already late. If liberals are going to beat an army of unthinking, easily whipped-up drones, they’re going to have to stop crying and get their shit in gear. Otherwise we get to be served a heaping plate of crow by the fucking geniuses who think diplomacy is for pussies, taxes are always evil and wars will pay for themselves.

clientnumber8 January 19, 2010 at 10:09 pm

NEW RULE: No more goddamn Fleetwood Mac at political events.

Mojopo January 19, 2010 at 10:11 pm

So, as this bad news was breaking, I was coming home on the El. And who is sitting behind me? A drunk fucking scumbag, going off about socialism, gays, white women and – you guessed it – Ted who is dead.

By morning, the Democrats will be spreading their buttcheeks wide and inviting all comers to put wicker baskets up their asses WAY DEEP, because that is what my party does. And you know what? None of them is fit to eat the corn out of my Liberal poop.

clientnumber8 January 19, 2010 at 10:12 pm

Pubes vs. Santorum in 2012? Well, at least it’ll be over before the inauguration, since that Mayan apocalypse/rapture thing is going to happen before the electoral college meets.

Nerdalicious January 19, 2010 at 10:14 pm

“Somebody better get to work in whatever state Robert Byrd is still alive in.”
Damn straight!
All we can pray for to Sarah Palin’s God, is for bathroom blow jobs & John Edwards proportion dumb fuckery in Mr. Balls future. Amen!

Sparky McGruff January 19, 2010 at 10:17 pm

[re=497484]clientnumber8[/re]: From now on, only Rage Against the Machine. Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me.

MissTheHill January 19, 2010 at 10:18 pm

Epic DNC fail. Understand the DNC is washing their hands of the opposition to the tax day teabagger protest bullshit. So give ‘em a few more seats. I sure hope they cremated poor Ted or there will be an earthquake that will put Hatti to shame tonight somewhere in MA…

grevillea January 19, 2010 at 10:20 pm

Well I for one welcome our foxy new orange overlord: http://blingee.com/blingee/view/106022117-Ma-whole

donner_froh January 19, 2010 at 10:20 pm

[re=497489]clientnumber8[/re]: If a Republican Senator from Mass. isn’t a sign of the apocalypse then nothing is.

The Huffington Pogue January 19, 2010 at 10:20 pm

I think our new Senator deserves a Cosmo-Worthy Blingee.

Manos: Hands of Fate January 19, 2010 at 10:21 pm

I’m waiting for more Dem. Senators to talk about how it would be smart politics for them to stick their thumbs up their ass and do jack shit for as long as this country holds itself together. After all they only have a 59 seat majority.

Mojopo January 19, 2010 at 10:22 pm

[re=497471]rocktonsammy[/re]: West Virginia? The only hope Democrats would have there involves distributing crank outside of WalMart. Sure, that’s easy enough, but how to tackle their illiteracy problem before the people have to actually read a ballot? What are they supposed to do? Vote by shape?

Manos: Hands of Fate January 19, 2010 at 10:23 pm

I’m calling racism. Spike Lee is right. It’s the most motherfucking racist place in the United States. Fuck Irish-Americans.

mjwilstein January 19, 2010 at 10:24 pm

Watch Martha Coakley’s incredibly depressing concession speech: http://www.gotchamediablog.com/2010/01/martha-coakley-concedes-to-scott-brown.html

doxastic January 19, 2010 at 10:26 pm

[re=497495]grevillea[/re]: A work of poignant genius!

Mumbletypeg January 19, 2010 at 10:26 pm

[re=497490]Nerdalicious[/re]: All we can pray for to Sarah Palin’s God is for bathroom blow jobsApparently “Yahoo” has a similar desire but invoked the Republican’s (sic)to bestow this upon the nation’s dear leader.

SayItWithWookies January 19, 2010 at 10:28 pm

On the bright side, if Congress still manages to pass health care reform, Scott Brown’s biggest promise will have been broken — maybe even before he gets seated.

Also, I’m glad I’m not Peggy Noonan’s neighbor — I’m sure Big Ronnie’s getting some fresh D-cells tonight and there’s gonna be some screamin’.

Katydid January 19, 2010 at 10:28 pm

[re=497495]grevillea[/re]: Youch, and I don’t even have balls, well, at least not literally. But you are a good blinger(?).

ladymacbeth January 19, 2010 at 10:29 pm

[re=497503]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: yes.

[re=497485]Mojopo[/re]: i kneed some drunk fucking wingnut scumbag b/t belmont and damen last thursday.

it was pretty easy and pretty effective.

i’m 5’3″ but he was drunk and i was at fight call.

Nerdalicious January 19, 2010 at 10:30 pm

Brilliant & Hilarious! Tis softened my hardened heart. Did I say hardened?

thesheriffisnear January 19, 2010 at 10:32 pm

Fuck you, Martha. FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU. Karma’s a Bitch you Grandstanding FUCK.


Whitey Did Katrina January 19, 2010 at 10:33 pm

Fuck the news Ken. “Liveblog” this episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 I’m streaming on the Netflix. It’ll be like a mobius strip of meta-commentarianism.

clientnumber8 January 19, 2010 at 10:34 pm

[re=497493]Sparky McGruff[/re]: Funny you mentioned it – I suggested “Killing in the Name Of” as a wedding song when asked for suggestions the other day. Definitely a huge improvement over Fleetwood Mac. (And to my friend, if I hear Fleetwood Mac at your fucking wedding, I swear to god it will not be pretty.)

AddHomonym January 19, 2010 at 10:35 pm

When is Scotty’s inaugural address? How do I get tickets?

Nerdalicious January 19, 2010 at 10:37 pm

Hopey Happy?
PS: Where were the Kennedy kids? Why weren’t Ted’s kids campaigning? Wifey not impressive, sorry. I was thinking this might have been some double secret brilliant plan for Ted Jr. to run when he is ready, & sheeples will run to the polls to oust fake Jack Kennedy. Jesus, is Ken doll’s term 6 years or 2 years?

Bearbloke January 19, 2010 at 10:38 pm

[re=497462]edgydrifter[/re]: Not if Snowbilly is successful in her quest to be President Thong

President Beeblebrox January 19, 2010 at 10:42 pm

[re=497514]thesheriffisnear[/re]: http://diy.despair.com/output/poster24785007.jpg

DangerousLiberal January 19, 2010 at 10:45 pm

God Fucking Dammit. Fuck it all to Hell. Fucking Massachusetts Democrats. They give us Dukakis, and his singularly inept team of asshats. Then Coakley gets in there and forgets who Kurt/Curt/Heinrich/Whatever-the-fuck Schilling pitched for, calls him a NY Yankee, WTF? Way to go, dumbfuck. All in the midst of blowing a huge double-digit lead to a teabagger with about the same sense that our Lord gave a rock. Word of advice, Martha: avoid being an imperious bitch until after you win the election, dumbass.

And the voters interviewed in the NYT? What a bunch of assholes. They already have healthcare courtesy of another socialist colored Kenyan, so they could give a fuck, so they decide to fuck the country, for shits and giggles.

Oh, just fuck me.

Do I feel better. Fuck no. But hey, we still have 59 seats. Until the shitrain comes down in November, whereupon we’re totally dicked, unless we can lock up these dumbasses from Mass. and run a proper election again, so that we can minimize the losses.

How does it feel to belong to a party that got punked by Michael Steele? Christ…

ladymacbeth January 19, 2010 at 10:53 pm

[re=497533]DangerousLiberal[/re]: what are you saying? we also have kerry.

MA rock.s

dijetlo January 19, 2010 at 10:53 pm

Somebody needs to let our leadership know it’s time to shit or get off the pot.
You’re going to let Joe Lizardman wipe his ass with the health care bill and then you want me to wave it like a flag?
How are we supposed to get fired up about giving Ben Nelson and the dead beats of Nebraska a free ride on our backs just because he’s a dick and “we need him”. Leaders lead, they bring people to their cause. They compromise when it’s beneficial, not when it’s expedient and if the Democrats can’t push forward the agenda that got them elected with the majorities we’ve already handed them that means we need new Democrats, not we need to bend further over.

InKnockYouUs January 19, 2010 at 10:59 pm

Oh, so this is where we come to complain. Well, . . . . We’re screwed, folks. Health care reform is going down the tubes and we are never going to fix this mess, and we are going to be a “failed state” as Owl Boy (Paul Krugman) warned. Well what can we expect with such a bunch of dumb shit voters. They want “change.” That is why they voted for Obama. And now they want a change from the change. Oh, fuck them. Really.

clientnumber8 January 19, 2010 at 11:05 pm

[re=497550]InKnockYouUs[/re]: Did you ever stop to think that they’re rational, and that you simply misjudged exactly what “changes” they wanted?

Related question: why did they vote for a corporatist, status quo-loving warmonger if they wanted change?

Mojopo January 19, 2010 at 11:12 pm

[re=497510]ladymacbeth[/re]: I was on the Green Line. The stretch between Kedzie and Ridgeland is where it gets interesting.

Katydid January 19, 2010 at 11:22 pm

I’m becoming convinced that the Dems ran Coakley because they knew she couldn’t win. They needed an excuse to keep on with their corporate-sucking bullshit. The only real difference between the Republicans and the Dems are the social issues, and they only differ on those so voters who actually care about that stuff have a reason to pick a side.

And not only is the culture war itself fabricated, the ruling class has become superbly skilled at pitting conservative against liberal at every turn, as if the non-ruling classes are just participants in some continual, sick dog fight. And we libs are convinced that conservatives are ALL mouth-breathing knuckle-draggers, and they’re convinced we’re ALL libtard baby-killing elitists, and NOBODY on either side can possibly have sincere beliefs. And then both sides run around reinforcing the imposed stereotypes.

I’m wondering if the Democrats are really inept, or if they only occasionally reward us with liberal legislation to make us keep voting for them in the hopes we’ll be rewarded, leaving us neurotically confused as to what we did to make it happen. I forget the psychological term, but it’s akin to how if you inconsistently reward behavior, you’ll keep someone on the hook emotionally a lot better than if you reward them consistently and for clear reasons.

I’m either going crazy, or I’ve finally figured out American politics, and I have become dangerous, and I will soon be rendered to Israel, where the Mossad will do terrible things to me.

AddHomonym January 19, 2010 at 11:24 pm

Which party has adopted these talking points in the wake of today’s (still unofficial mind you (ACORN take me away!!!))results: This election shows that we need to rethink or abandon this push for health care reform. Hint: it’s the Democrats. Google Webb or Weiner for the sad, sad news, also.

SayItWithWookies January 19, 2010 at 11:26 pm

[re=497540]dijetlo[/re]: Well for starters, we’re not being punished by getting half the healthcare reform we need instead of all of it. If something stronger can’t pass the Senate, then it can’t pass the Senate, period. What are you going to do — get pissed off and stop playing, or keep better score and remember which idiots pussyfooted instead of voting liberal?

What I’m saying is that if we let Democrats who aren’t passionate about liberal causes run, they’re going to get beat by the next screaming teabagger who hits the Glenn Beck talking points. If Democratic candidates and the Democratic electorate can’t be bothered to care, then they’re going to lose. Every conservative Democrat running this fall should be able to look to his left and see a mad fucking liberal waiting to grab the nomination from him. That’s the way to win.

AddHomonym January 19, 2010 at 11:33 pm

[re=497564]Katydid[/re]: Marx much? On the bright side, if you rendereded, you may get held captive by some of those sexy, sexy Israeli lady soldiers, if you go that way.

Aurelio January 20, 2010 at 12:33 am

[re=497540]dijetlo[/re]: [re=497564]Katydid[/re]: [re=497567]SayItWithWookies[/re]: The two party system is like a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.

–Lewis Black

dijetlo January 20, 2010 at 1:02 am

“If something stronger can’t pass the Senate, then it can’t pass the Senate, period.”

The public option can pass the Senate, it has 51 votes behind it.
The problem is, it wont ever come to a vote, it wont even come out on the floor. What we’re going to get instead is the “Health Insurance Industry Approved Blueprint for Burying In yer Ass” as put forth by the Democratic party at the behest of Joe Lizardman, the Democrat who campaigned for Walnuts.

Wookie, here’s a little political reality, if the Democrats had a bill that helped Americans, they could bring that bill to the floor and let the Republicans filibuster it because they would be on the side of the American people ( a very popular spot) and the Republicans would be committing political suicide locking up the government trying to stop it.
This has actually happened before, under Clinton and the Republicans ate major shit in the polls for about a month before they gave up, passed a budget and then, of course, managed to distract everybody with another round of “check out Bills dick”.
The problem is, the Dems have shit. They don’t want to talk about the steaming pile of shit they have because when you break it down it comes to “you are going to have to pay what they want and if you decide not to, the IRS is going to fuck you like a boy scout at an RNC conference.”

If it’s such a boon to mankind, why can’t they sell it? Why wont they try? They wont fight the battle in the court of public opinion and that can only mean one of two things, They don’t want it to pass and are looking for an excuse to ditch the whole idea or they are lining us up for another royal boning from their buddies with the fat back accounts.
Either way, we need to start looking around for a leader because this re-electing consensus building tri-angulators is getting us nowhere.

Aurelio January 20, 2010 at 1:15 am

…They are lining us up for another royal boning from their buddies with the fat back accounts…

This is a live hypothesis.

SayItWithWookies January 20, 2010 at 1:49 am

[re=497613]dijetlo[/re]: You’re thinking of the 1995-96 budget fight and government shutdown I believe, and there are some important differences that keep that example from applying.
First, Newt was the speaker and the Republicans were in control of Congress. The Republican budget cut Medicare, Medicaid and a bunch of other things, and Clinton threatened to veto it. They passed it anyway, and Clinton kept his promise, and when neither side budged, the government shut down.
No filibuster was involved — since the Republicans couldn’t override Clinton’s veto, they had to sit down and stare at each other until Newt gave in and a resolution was worked out. In the case of health care, if the Dems can’t get cloture, health care reform is dead. So unlike a budget bill, the Dems either get what they can pass or they get nothing.
I’d be all in favor of the Dems using any device — however arcane or byzantine — to pass the most liberal bill. However, letting the Republicans kill an imperfect bill that could at least be improved upon would be giving them everything they want, and we’d get nothing.

Katydid January 20, 2010 at 7:26 am

[re=497568]AddHomonym[/re]: Nah, never read Marx because I’m not bilingual. Which brings me to your second point, when the Mossad finds me, and they will, like black people, all Jews know each other, I’ll try to spend my last hours on earth being hurt by male Israeli soldiers, who are tough as hell but in my admittedly somewhat limited experience, sexy sexist domineering authoritarians. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, if limited to sexytime.

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