Are you feeling nostalgic for Election Night 2008? This is almost exactly like that night, with a few small differences. For one, it’s again illegal to be black in America, so go back to Socialism-land, Rahm! Also, Andrew Sullivan may move back to Canada, he’s so bummed. There’s also a very good chance the beloved Health Care Reform will be passed. But still, SO SAD, right? MARTHA COAKLEY IS AMERICA’S BIGGEST LOSER. Let’s enjoy the final liveblog of the final night of the final election of Soviet America, because life is going to be awesome once the Republicans use their complete control of the White House and Congress to send you back to prison, hippie.
9:56 PM — Martha Coakley concedes, live, on the teevee.
9:57 PM — And she makes an utterly lame joke about a 40-year-old English pop song.
9:58 PM — Good lord, she was never into this at all, was she?
10:00 PM — Martha Coakley shouldn’t ever say words like “passion” and “energy.”
10:01 PM — She seems truly relieved, doesn’t she? Her dogs are super happy, too. Thanks, Martha, for ruining America because you couldn’t be bothered to campaign for Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat.
10:01 PM — It’s truly an American Triumph to lose Ted’s seat in Massachusetts. HOORAY FOR MARTHA COAKLEY’S DOGS, who do not have to move to shitty Washington!!!
10:02 PM — “I am heartbroken at the results,” eh, seems false.
10:02 PM — Well, now HOPE/OBAMA/ETC. is in the hands of Nancy Pelosi. Yayy!
10:03 PM — Uh, Martha, the “angry” people who voted for Scott Brown aren’t exactly the ones worried about our Many Losing Wars. They just want to stomp poor(er) people in America who don’t have health care.
10:05 PM — Honestly, life in prison for whatever genius chose THAT person to run for Ted Kennedy’s seat.
10:08 PM — Ha ha, crazy Reaganite War Monster Jim Webb says it would be “wise” (for his approval ratings) for the Senate to never do health care reform, etc.
10:11 PM — From the email box: “The loss of Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat sends a clear message that the Senate health care bill does not go far enough. Click here to automatically sign our petition telling President Obama, Speaker Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Reid that the Senate must use reconciliation to pass a better health care bill with a strong public option.” Sure, why not?
10:11 PM — Whoa now Chris Matthews is talking about LBJ’s civil rights sledgehammer, he “scared the bejesus” out of some committee, etc., “I want you to pass all the crap,” this is a HISTORY, folks, of the Senate.
10:12 PM — We actually like when Chris Matthews gives a quick, insane history of some distant-past Washington maneuver that resulted in something crazy like, say, black people getting some basic rights that white people had.
10:19 PM — Keith Olbermann just apologized to Scott Brown, for forgetting to call Brown a sexist. NOW SCOTT BROWN WILL HAVE TO RESIGN.
10:20 PM — And why did Scott Brown fail to apologize for wanting to sodomize Martha Coakley with a “curling iron”?
10:20 PM — Okay, let’s see … how’s that Letterman / Conan thing going? What happens there, anyway? Is it like a Twitter contest, a “Face Off,” of sorts. ALSO: These new quit-smoking commercials are kind of hilarious. “You don’t drink every time you smoke ….” Oh really?
10:24 PM — Uhh, Scott Brown? How long does it take to strip down and hit the stage?