the terrifying prospect of an 18-seat majority

Liveblogging Massachusetts’ ‘Connecticut 2006 General Election’ Fail Moment

You're welcome!It’s true! If dumb Massachusetts blows it, which it will, and ruins our beloved American socialism for the next 10,000 years, then it will replace Connecticut as the default state we yell at for making disastrous choices for the universe. Maybe not though. That Joe Lieberman… Anyway, let’s see what they’re saying on the teevee. We will be doing the so-2004 “blog liveblog” right here, and Twatting like small children over here.

7:41 — To reiterate what our secret TwatterBot typed a few minutes ago, HA HA, Martha Coakley didn’t know what baseball team fat bloody Curt Schilling played for for like four seasons out of his mediocre 20-year career. Sure, this will turn off some people — sports fans, to be precise! But what really gets us all hot and bothered is when MSNBC or CNN or whatever treats this as a legitimate fucking reason for someone to devote themselves to a particular public policy platform. STOP ENABLING THEM. Oh well. Oh god commercial break over, Norah time…
7:43 — Norah says Democratic turnout was poor. Yikes. There had been reports earlier (from LIARS) that turnout in Boston and Cambridge and other blue precincts was super duper high!
7:44 — Norah is standing in front of an empty bleachers. Literally no one is coming to support poor old Martha Coakley, the lawyer.
7:45 — Apparently the Coakley campaign is already playing the Blame Game, reports a besweatered Chris Matthews! “WHAT ARE THEY DOING, BLAME GAME, WHAT IS THIS.” A human named “Mike Barnicle” laughs and is now blabbing about eh…
7:47 — Barnicle fraud guy (we don’t watch cable news, is he some regular? Probably worked for Nixon?) says, “Scott Brown even went into a McDonalds to greet people!” Martha Coakley would fart on the broad side of a McDonalds! She hates America so fucking much it is insane. She probably eats at Wendy’s, because of her vagina. (Feeding you lines here, Barnicle.)
7:50 — Did you see the commercial about health care?? Some group is upset that they will have to pay a tax under certain health care reform proposals, “during a recession.” America is so good at collective action.
7:55 — Chris Matthews, still in his “blue collar” bar clothes of an Oxford shirt and olive cashmere sweater, has invited some friends to his bar studio. One is a lady who represents… wait whoa… WOMEN’S VOTERS? Hilarious, MSNBC. Show us the constitutional amendment that allowed such a thing, and we’ll buy the next round.
7:58 — The other friend is Steve Kornacki, of the Observer. He is a good reporter with these things. “A LOCAL BOY!” Matthews exclaims. Steve Kornacki is from Scott Brown Country!
8:00 — Bye Chris! Keep fukkin that chicken.
8:00 — Oh Christ on a stick… Olbermann. No. Just no. Why won’t they just give the nice Ph.D. lady Maddow a two-hour block? Probably because Rachel Maddow doesn’t know who plays for the Yankees, and Keith is gay for the Yankees.
8:01 — HAHAA: “AND LATER: MY APOLOGY TO SCOTT BROWN.” Was Keith caught stealing and sniffing Scott Brown’s dirty underwear, too?
8:02 — Aaaaand CNN. To be in the arms of a Wolf…
8:04 — So they’ve more or less declared Brown the winner, without declaring him the official winner. When do we get to SUUUUUUUEEEE??? (She is so going to lose by 20 points.)
8:05 — Wolf Blitzer reminds us that the Democrats also lost races in Virginia and New Jersey, recently, so now there are three and it is a trend. John King laments not having enough data to plug into his Magical Space Touchy Board. What is the point of this channel?
8:07 — Commercial. Good time to pass on this funny bit someone pointed out today:

In Natick, the persistent flow of voters included Rex Kidd, 48, the owner of a local masonry and paving company who voted for Brown because of his pro-business, conservative views.

“I respect Martha Coakley and what she’s accomplished in her career. But I think she’s going to preserve the status quo,” Kidd said. “Scott Brown can take us to the next level. … [Brown] is going to decrease my taxes and get rid of all the wasteful spending that Deval Patrick has done. Cutting taxes fuels the economy, not charging more taxes and spending it on social programs.”

The more embarrassing part is the paragraph that precedes this monster’s quote. It should include something along the lines of, “Rex Kidd… voted for Brown because HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FEDERAL AND STATE GOVERNMENTS. But he does know that black people run them both!”
8:12: Oh good, a CNN splitscreen panel. Name each of the 70,000 participants in reverse alphabetical order! No, there’s only one that matters: Erick Erickson, beloved editor of RedState blog! POUR ROCK SALT on the Republican Greek fellow, Alex Poopydoopolous. (Sorry we know that is racist against Greeks, an ancient people.)
8:19 — Just keep in mind, when people inevitably start (/have been doing for the past few months) calling Democrats stupid for taking so long to take care of health care, or for even daring to tackle it in a weak economy, that if Obama had scrapped health care for another year, the WHINY ASS TITTY BABIES WOULD BE SCREAMING TO HELL, again, forever, about how Obama hates the liberals and never wanted to give them health care because he likes corporations. “HE PROMISED US CHANGE WE COULD BELIEVE IN!” He promised you… a campaign slogan?
8:23 — Ha ha, Erick Erickson of course starts by making fun of Ted Kennedy. At least that’s what Paul Begala’s reaction implied. Don’t make fun of Ted, he was Paul Begala’s mentor for 55 years!
8:25 — Hooray, results! We haven’t seen Wolf Blitzer announce results since 5% were counted, and now 7% are counted! 52-48-ish for the Nude. Why are they waiting for results to come in before making a projection? That’s not how we roll in Scott Brown’s America.
8:29 — HAHAHAHAHAH some depressed looking fat slob walked in front of John King’s precious board, just as he was reading the riveting 8%-reporting results. Even John King had to laugh, IT WAS JUST THAT FUNNY.
8:30 — Hey what’s going on CNN! What is this you’re talking about now, this “Haiti.” Wasn’t that like 567 Twitter Years ago? Everyone knows that Bill Clinton and George W. Bush fixed Haiti on Saturday afternoon.
8:32 — Well, Haiti coverage — the less depressing twin in tonight’s news lineup — means it’s a good time for a crying break. BRB U GUYS.
8:41 — Actually that’s a wrap for this liveblog. Juli Weiner traveled halfway across Manhattan to find a teevee, and was successful! GO HERE NOW, thx. This editor is going to try to figure out this Twitter monstrosity now…

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Hola wonkerados.

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99 comments

  1. Bearbloke

    This is why the Indians shouldn’t’ve fed the Puritans, but rather fed them to something else…

  2. hoosiermama

    Thank God you are liveblogging — I was terrified at the thought of following the Twitter feed. It would have been the Iran elections all over again.

  3. pattycake

    [re=497260]Bearbloke[/re]: feed the Puritans to the Baptists and vice versa, until they’re both gone.

  4. Roger the Shrubber

    If Brown had a tool as large as Chris Matthews, his forearm would be too small to cover it.

  5. bfstevie

    Billy Mays, in fake phone call, on his TV commercial:

    Phone Voice: Billy, we need you in a production meeting in 15 minutes.

    Billy: Sorry, Carla, No can do. I’m DEAD.

  6. canuckistani

    whats the drinking game tonight? im already 3 modelo’s in deep

    also im in Worcester, Mass right now and I dont think anyone here knows theres an election…also..yes

  7. Junior

    When Scott Brown and Sarah Palin have a baby, Democratic cyborgs from the future will travel back in time to kill it.

  8. Jim Demintia

    She probably eats at Wendy’s, because of her vagina.

    It’s probably a good thing Dave Thomas is already dead. Though I do kind of miss his commercials…Has Wendy’s even been advertising since then?

  9. pampl

    Mcdonald’s serves lattes now, it’s not even american anymore. The new America restaurant is Arby’s, now any politician wanting to prove his Americanness has to swallow a roast beef sandwich without projectile vomiting all over the cameras

  10. loquaciousmusic

    I’m sitting in Connecticut drinking a beer. This is the best thing I can think of doing for now.

    Well, actually, scratch that: I will drink a beer and then go watch a rerun of Criminal Minds instead of listening to these fucking douchebags talking about how much Obama blows goats. THAT is the best thing I can think of doing right now.

  11. Long Form Def Certificate

    Norah O’Donnell, much like Campbell Brown before her, is a dumb b*x. & yet she gets a platform to spout her spouse’s party’s talking-points.

    I mean, my gal, Contessa Brewer — at fifteen, I used to pray she’d have an exposed nipple outline on her sweater while doing the weekend 10 pm news on the local NBC affiliate — has sh*t for brains, but she makes no bones on it. Nor does MSNBC elevate her beyond her station. I prefer it that way.

    Visible nipples also.

  12. Suds McKenzie

    [re=497273]canuckistani[/re]: just go with “game change” and “blame game” that aughta put you on your lips.

  13. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=497279]teamvicbo[/re]: well, it’s a hockey game going on, how hard could it be to follow it? single digit score and all

  14. hoosiermama

    [re=497282]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: Watching 10pm news when you are fifteen. I’m sorry.

  15. dr.giraud

    “Barnicle fraud guy (we don’t watch cable news, is he some regular? Probably worked for Nixon?)”

    He is an important JOURNALIST who has been rightly forgiven for the PLAGIARISMS because he looks like an AMERICAN.

    Drink up!

  16. President Beeblebrox

    Fuck this shit. I’d rather watch The Biggest Loser and see tattooed Murrkian high-fructose-corn-syrup-fattened slugs be abused at The Biggest Loser Ranch.

    If gay-married Massachusetts isn’t safe, nowhere is, so it’s time to bolt. Colorado is full of lunatics now, so shacking up somewhere in the Rockies a la Hunter Thompson is out. I’m not a Heeb, so I can’t move to Israel – no aliyah for me. Too many lawyers in Canada City, so I doubt they’d take me. I’m not gay or a cheese-lover, so I can’t move to France. I guess it’s Haiti for me.

  17. denner

    Can’t stop looking at the darkest of dark patches. This is so close to what I imagine Mitt Romney’s hottest son looks like naked. Massachusetts, you need to get laid so you can stop voting for these evil babes.

  18. Gopherit

    Well, fuck. even olbermann is becoming an apologist for Coakley. and thank jesus that a majority means nothing in our republic.

  19. Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=497286]hoosiermama[/re]: Thanks. I had no friends, then. & the ones I made a year later… Eagle Scouts & Young Conservatives on the outside, acid-trippers & shop-lifters on the inside. They got turned reading AdBusters. (Consequently, I had to drop ‘em like a bad habit.)

    Oh, & in my defense, there was at least one occasion when the nipple was exposed. No idea if the co-anchor was sucking it during commercial.

  20. El Pinche

    You have “pullin a Palin.”

    And now you have an “epic coakley” ..massive epic failure of epic and mass proportions.

  21. tootsieroll

    [re=497287]Gopherit[/re]: CoakleyChokely is going to become the biggest new euphemism for the coming decade. /fixed.

  22. EdFlinstone

    For all the shit Steele gets and deservedly so, how does that douche Tim Kaine avoid any blame. The man aint no Howard Dean thats for sure.

  23. Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=497289]President Beeblebrox[/re]: I wouldn’t be moving to Israel, regardless. Though a backstage gig with the ASSraelis franchise might sway me. (I prolly don’t have the, uh, talent for on-camera work. I am circumsized, though, so… maybe?)

  24. Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=497292]Gopherit[/re]: Minority status is ok, if you’re a Republican.

    WE ARE A CENTRE-RIGHT NATION.

  25. Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=497296]EdFlinstone[/re]: While Dean is a gun-owner, & probable NRA member, he is very much a prog-friendly Dem. Kaine is Liebermann minus yarmulke, plus rosary. He wants things to go this way.

  26. Long Form Def Certificate

    VA & NJ Govs, plus MA Sen?

    One’s fat, one’s closeted… make that two are closeted.

  27. hunter.blatherer

    Also, NPR just said Coakley lost because she didn’t walk her dogs enough after the primary.

  28. Buzz Feedback

    “She hates America so fucking much it is insane. She probably eats at Wendy’s, because of her vagina.”

    This passage makes me so proud I could burst.

  29. Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=497301]hunter.blatherer[/re]: No. President of the Inuit Republic of the Klondike. They’ll be rather irksome, but pose no threat.

  30. Hooray For Anything

    I guess that if it’s true the Democrats have lost the last three major elections than I guess the congressional election in NY in which a teabagger lost to a Democrat somehow doesn’t count.

  31. UPYoursPVI

    Did anyone believe Chris Matthews earlier tonight when he said he didn’t drink? Why is MSNBC obsessed with broadcasting from bars? This is apparently where elections happen in Boston. Drunk Irish. Mixed messages, MSNBC.

  32. President ODreamy

    [re=497312]tootsieroll[/re]: If everyone is refreshing it as much as I am, that is probably why it is broken.

  33. fishskicanoe

    As Al Franken pointed out today, Health Care has already passed. If the House approves the Senate version without change it goes to the White House. After ward they can amend the monetary portions through reconciliation, which won’t need 60 votes, just 50 plus Biden. And folks like Rep. Steny Hoyer have already said that that is what they’ll do if they have to.

    Hell, that almost seems preferable to the cluster fuck, closed door negotiations we’ll have to endure if Coakley wins.

  34. President Beeblebrox

    [re=497298]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: Israel has some great benefits that might outweigh the constant threat of Muslins:

    1. Beaches
    2. Dana International
    3. Israeli girls
    4. Israeli girl soldiers with large weapons

    But those factors are highly outweighed by the fact that Israeli, to the Rethuglicans, is basically the 51st State and is the place where Jeebus will return, so just arm the fuck out of them to immanetize the eschaton, because why not.

  35. JoethePlumber

    Can anyone point me toward a real-time interactive map of the returns? Eff. The great recession made me cancel my cable. All I have is NPR. They have no cool tricks. And there is no way I can sleep until this shit is settled.

  36. Nerdalicious

    Oh, sweet Jesus, White House is blaming Coakley & Co. already (bad sign). So far, locally: Coakley 49%, Brown 50%.

  37. Oldskool

    At least it’s been a dramatic fubar, not the kind that come out of nowhere. I’m looking at you, earthquakes!

  38. smellyal8r

    Wolf’s complainin’ that there are no exit polls, so “it’s going to be the old fashioned way” tonight. Mass oughta screw with us by having “town meetings” with paper ballots and then taking them by horse cart to Fanuiel Hall or some such where they’d be counted and numbers posted on a chalk board. That’d learn us…

  39. slavojzizek

    Don’t the morans understand there is somebody running on the Liberty Party line who they would like so much more than Scott Brown? Or is the fact that his name is Kennedy ruining everything?

  40. Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=497317]JoethePlumber[/re]: NPR is also socialist, gov’t radio. Any reason we might say for their lack of resources?

    Privatize it. Let Murdoch buy it, like he did the WSJ. As with the latter, it will only get better.

  41. DustBowlBlues

    On a positive note, you coaster elitists have to quit making fun of my state, because Mass and Conn have proven they’re as stupid as okies.

  42. Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=497319]Nerdalicious[/re]: If Coakley pulls it out — wouldn’t be unprecedented, even in the ‘Setts (i.e. Kennedy-Romney ’94) — expect Brown to morph into Coleman. Hopefully, he won’t have to convert to Judaism. (That would offend the ‘Baggers.)

  43. President Beeblebrox

    Martha “Failboat” Coakley … ah, she was the prosecutor in the famous Boston Nanny Case, the one which almost caused Her Majesty’s Britannic Government to declare war on US America and re-invade Boston because the Commonwealth of Massachusetts dared to prosecute an innocent, chubby-cheeked au pair from Merrie Olde England for smothering to death the infant son of two wealthy doctors.

    It went on when I was in law school, with endless coverage on Court TeeVee, and I remember being conflicted over who was the most horrible in the case: the Brits (actually, the proto-chavs), who couldn’t understand how we could possibly prosecute the nanny; the nanny herself, who was obviously guilty of something; the doctors who decided to have a baby and dump it on a 18-year-old because they needed to live in a zillion-dollar home requiring two incomes; or the douchebag prosecutor who couldn’t help acting like an ass throughout the whole trial.

    We were somewhere outside Cambridge when the drugs began to take hold…

  44. Bearbloke

    [re=497316]President Beeblebrox[/re]: I thought “Scat” Brown was the one trying to immanetize Robo-Coakley’s eschaton, with a curling iron… or am I confusing your election returns with a particularly bizzare porno I recently bought?

  45. Nerdalicious

    [re=497328]El Pinche[/re]:
    “Oh god…Brown is calling Coleman’s lawyer as we speak.”
    Yeah, we should find out around Juneish. Mahtha’s screaming foul already with premarked Brown ballots floating around. Haven’t the Dems learned? With these neck & neck elections the Rethugs steal, period. I submit 2000 Florida & 2004 Ohio squeakers into evidence.

  46. Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=497330]WadISay[/re]: It’s not Hitler, so I’m guessing the Jew-Hunter in Inglourious Basterds was based on a real person & did in fact end up on the Cape, where he tried to run for Senate after acquiring citizenship.

  47. tootsieroll

    Cutting taxes fuels the economy, not charging more taxes and spending it on social programs.

    ARGH.

    Yes, because this all us EVIL LIBTARDS strive for. To make all you dimbulb mouth breathers pay lots of more taxes so we can give it to welfare queens. Never mind the txes you pay for the military that keeps the big bad terrist away.

    I hate these people with every fiber of my being. How do we get them to not be stupid?

  48. President Beeblebrox

    [re=497299]President ODreamy[/re]: Not here. It’s just speaking the language of the heathen Chinee to me:

    IO Error [IOErrorEvent type="ioError" bubbles=false cancelable=false eventPhase=2 text="Error #2032"]

  49. JoethePlumber

    [re=497323]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: Certainly, you are right. It is the only reason I don’t have a leonard lopate hologram live from Boston in my living room. The free market can so totally take care of the fact that I am fighting fatigue.
    But I still can’t sleep. I need real time data.

  50. plowman

    [re=497332]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Nothing that a coupla shots of medical grade ether won’t cure!

  51. Junior

    so far all of the results are from the more red necky places (e.g., Avon) and only slightly favoring Mr McPubes. One Cambridge precinct reorted and showed a 10:1 in favor of the yankee fan vagina-wearer.

  52. Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=497334]Gopherit[/re]: The Okies have the Flaming Lips. The Massholes have Aerosmith & the Pixies, & of late, the Dropkick Murphy’s. ADV: Oklahoma!

  53. Nerdalicious

    [re=497329]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]:
    Ha! She just might. What’s making me nervous are these early White House “it’s Martha’s fault” press releases already. Ugh.

  54. Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=497338]tootsieroll[/re]: Give Kevorkian the same authority as “Sheriff Joe” down in AZ. Let Death Jack run roughshod on the country, just cold euthanizing the dumb.

  55. Bearbloke

    [re=497338]tootsieroll[/re]: “How do we get them to not be stupid?”

    Have you tried rat-poison in their chow-da yet?

  56. Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=497346]Nerdalicious[/re]: That’s just Malia & Sasha watching a Brady Bunch marathon on TV Land & imitating the signature Jan line “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia”, except Sash has a lisp.

    Don’t get it twisted.

  57. Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=497353]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Now, she can put the hit on Stephen Hawking. Finally…

  58. President Beeblebrox

    [re=497333]Bearbloke[/re]: Yes, I think you’re confusing it with Echte Sperrgebeit Nummer Zwei or something like that. Usually, die deutsche Pornofilms involve foreign implements AND scat.

  59. Extemporanus

    [re=497293]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: [re=497286]hoosiermama[/re]: A simple “I lived in Milwaukee” would’ve sufficed, Def C.

    [re=497286]hoosiermama[/re]: I’m sure there are 15-year old Bloomington boys rubbing ice cubes on their MSNBC teevee screens as we speak.

  60. windupbird

    It was pretty stupid that she said Schilling was a Yankee fan. So, so dumb. Of all the people to make a gaffe about………good old blowhard Curt, who probably has not stopped talking/blogging/tweeting about it since January 15th.

  61. DustBowlBlues

    Life is short, brutish and mean. For all the finger pointing that will follow this, there really is only one problem, to wit: The Democratic Party and the Democrats are still playing by Marquess of Queensbury rules and the Republics have been fighting bare-fisted since 1980.

    Democrats need to grow a pair. Period. Paragraph. The end.

    I think the old man wants to surf porn, so later, losers.

  62. JoethePlumber

    I spent much of last evening reading the first 104 pages of my mother’s boyfriend’s copy of “Going Rouge” (it seems that the main concern of regular folk at the Alaska State fair are concerned about drilling for oil).
    I spent most of this morning trying to convince my mother’s boyfriend that the current healthcare bill is really far from socialism. He spent the morning on the phone trying to extend his son’s Cobra benefits. His son is on anti-depressants, blood pressure medication, etc. My mother’s boyfriend is a good man who loves his son (but disapproves of his homosexuality). Mother’s boyfriend’s insurance will subsidize his gay son’s medication for high blood pressure, depression, and addiction because my mother;s boyfriend served as a cop in the New York City PD for years. He has great stories.
    Mother’s Boyfriend (let’s just call him MB) blames Al Gore for 9/11. He was among the people who dug people out of the ruins of the world trade center. He wants revenge. This morning I wanted to tell him about my belief that Barack Obama is going to be the president that catches OBL. But I held myself back.
    MB really actually thinks that our Americanness is at stake. I explained to him that the healthcare deal leaves medical care in the private sector and does not threaten his sweet cop healthcare plan. He doesn’t care. “I don’t want it shoved down my throat”.
    Do we really have to sell it? If so we should. I really don’t see how we got here (I am Joe The Plumber, an ignorant fool). So let us stone cold sell it. Healthcare-expanded pool-all that shit. Let’s!

  63. Fake Bill-O

    We can’t have this socialist health care, I mean the pinheads in Taxachuesetts even know that, cripes, they have it so why should the rest of you liberal pinheads have it? Congress, well, they’re irrelevant. The bucks stop somewhere south if K St.

  64. Bearbloke

    [re=497357]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Perhaps “Mr. Brown” will offer Coakley the co-starring role in his remake of Fick mir die Scheiße aus dem Arsch ?

  65. hunter.blatherer

    Coakley acknowledged in her concession speech that she hadn’t walked her dogs enough. Guess NPR was onto something.

  66. Redhead

    Thanks, Wonkette. I was trying to follow this, on my laptop, while working at a town meeting in a town inhabited almost exclusively by teh oldz. So I click the linky to the liveblog (from my RSS feed, no warning!) and what pops up on the top of the screen! NAKED BROWN!! It was very shocking for teh old who was constantly reading my computer screen over my shoulder.

  67. Diana Davies

    [re=497526]Redhead[/re]: His forearm looks small and skinny and I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing his pubes.

Comments are closed.