Liveblogging Massachusetts' 'Connecticut 2006 General Election' Fail Moment

It's true! If dumb Massachusetts blows it, which it will, and ruins our beloved American socialism for the next 10,000 years, then it will replace Connecticut as the default state we yell at for making disastrous choices for the universe. Maybe not though. That Joe Lieberman... Anyway, let's see what they're saying on the teevee. We will be doing the so-2004 "blog liveblog" right here, and Twatting like small children over here. 

7: 41 -- To reiterate what our secret TwatterBot typed a few minutes ago, HA HA, Martha Coakley didn't know what baseball team fat bloody Curt Schilling played for for like four seasons out of his mediocre 20-year career. Sure, this will turn off some people -- sports fans, to be precise! But what really gets us all hot and bothered is when MSNBC or CNN or whatever treats this as a legitimate fucking reason for someone to devote themselves to a particular public policy platform. STOP ENABLING THEM. Oh well. Oh god commercial break over, Norah time...

7: 43 -- Norah says Democratic turnout was poor. Yikes. There had been reports earlier (from LIARS) that turnout in Boston and Cambridge and other blue precincts was super duper high!

7: 44 -- Norah is standing in front of an empty bleachers. Literally no one is coming to support poor old Martha Coakley, the lawyer.

7: 45 -- Apparently the Coakley campaign is already playing the Blame Game, reports a besweatered Chris Matthews! "WHAT ARE THEY DOING, BLAME GAME, WHAT IS THIS." A human named "Mike Barnicle" laughs and is now blabbing about eh...

7: 47 -- Barnicle fraud guy (we don't watch cable news, is he some regular? Probably worked for Nixon?) says, "Scott Brown even went into aMcDonaldsto greet people!" Martha Coakley would fart on the broad side of a McDonalds! She hates America so fucking much it is insane. She probably eats at Wendy's, because of her vagina. (Feeding you lines here, Barnicle.)

7: 50 -- Did you see the commercial about health care?? Some group is upset that they will have to pay a tax under certain health care reform proposals, "during a recession." America is so good at collective action.

7: 55 -- Chris Matthews, still in his "blue collar" bar clothes of an Oxford shirt and olive cashmere sweater, has invited some friends to his bar studio. One is a lady who represents... wait whoa... WOMEN'S VOTERS? Hilarious, MSNBC. Show us the constitutional amendment that allowed such a thing, and we'll buy the next round.

7: 58 -- The other friend is Steve Kornacki, of theObserver. He is a good reporter with these things. "A LOCAL BOY!" Matthews exclaims. Steve Kornacki is from Scott Brown Country!

8: 00 -- Bye Chris! Keep fukkin that chicken.

8: 00 -- Oh Christ on a stick... Olbermann. No. Just no. Why won't they just give the nice Ph.D. lady Maddow a two-hour block? Probably because Rachel Maddow doesn't know who plays for the Yankees, and Keith is gay for the Yankees.

8: 01 -- HAHAA: "AND LATER: MY APOLOGY TO SCOTT BROWN." Was Keith caught stealing and sniffing Scott Brown's dirty underwear, too?

8: 02 -- Aaaaand CNN. To be in the arms of a Wolf...

8: 04 -- So they've more or less declared Brown the winner, without declaring him the official winner. When do we get to SUUUUUUUEEEE??? (She is so going to lose by 20 points.)

8: 05 -- Wolf Blitzer reminds us that the Democrats also lost races in Virginia and New Jersey, recently, so now there are three and it is a trend. John King laments not having enough data to plug into his Magical Space Touchy Board. What is the point of this channel?

8: 07 -- Commercial. Good time to pass on this funny bit someone pointed out today:

In Natick, the persistent flow of voters included Rex Kidd, 48, the owner of a local masonry and paving company who voted for Brown because of his pro-business, conservative views.

"I respect Martha Coakley and what she's accomplished in her career. But I think she's going to preserve the status quo," Kidd said. "Scott Brown can take us to the next level. ... [Brown] is going to decrease my taxes andget rid of all the wasteful spending that Deval Patrick has done.Cutting taxes fuels the economy, not charging more taxes and spending it on social programs."

The more embarrassing part is the paragraph that precedes this monster's quote. It should include something along the lines of, "Rex Kidd... voted for Brown because HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FEDERAL AND STATE GOVERNMENTS. But he does know that black people run them both!"

8: 12: Oh good, a CNN splitscreen panel. Name each of the 70,000 participants in reverse alphabetical order! No, there's only one that matters: Erick Erickson, beloved editor of RedState blog! POUR ROCK SALT on the Republican Greek fellow, Alex Poopydoopolous. (Sorry we know that is racist against Greeks, an ancient people.)

8: 19 -- Just keep in mind, when people inevitably start (/have been doing for the past few months) calling Democrats stupid for taking so long to take care of health care, or for even daring to tackle it in a weak economy, that if Obamahadscrapped health care for another year, the WHINY ASS TITTY BABIES WOULD BE SCREAMING TO HELL, again, forever, about how Obama hates the liberals and never wanted to give them health care because he likes corporations. "HE PROMISED US CHANGE WE COULD BELIEVE IN!" He promised you... a campaign slogan?

8: 23 -- Ha ha, Erick Erickson of course starts by making fun of Ted Kennedy. At least that's what Paul Begala's reaction implied. Don't make fun of Ted, he was Paul Begala's mentor for 55 years!

8: 25 -- Hooray, results! We haven't seen Wolf Blitzer announce results since 5% were counted, and now 7% are counted! 52-48-ish for the Nude. Why are they waiting for results to come in before making a projection? That's not how we roll in Scott Brown's America.

8: 29 -- HAHAHAHAHAH some depressed looking fat slob walked in front of John King's precious board, just as he was reading the riveting 8%-reporting results. Even John King had to laugh, IT WAS JUST THAT FUNNY.

8: 30 -- Hey what's going on CNN! What is this you're talking about now, this "Haiti." Wasn't that like 567 Twitter Years ago? Everyone knows that Bill Clinton and George W. Bush fixed Haiti on Saturday afternoon.

8: 32 -- Well, Haiti coverage -- the less depressing twin in tonight's news lineup -- means it's a good time for a crying break. BRB U GUYS.

8: 41 -- Actually that's a wrap for this liveblog. Juli Weiner traveled halfway across Manhattan to find a teevee, and was successful! GO HERE NOW, thx. This editor is going to try to figure out this Twitter monstrosity now...