PICS OR GTFO  3:43 pm January 15, 2010

Only The Computers Know What Osama Looks Like Nowadays

by Jim Newell

The State Department has used fancy science computers to update its file image of Osama bin Laden from 1998. In the center we have the “well, it could happen” Western-shaven Osama, while on the right we have the more traditional hobo version. Which Osama bin Laden would you fuck the most? The middle one has kind of a “Clooney thing” going on, so… no. Just no. [1010Wins via NY Mag]


Hola wonkerados.

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SayItWithWookies January 15, 2010 at 3:47 pm


Nappied Hypotenuse January 15, 2010 at 3:48 pm

Wouldn’t that be “PICS or GiTMO”?

chascates January 15, 2010 at 3:48 pm

I bet he’s pretty pale hiding in that cave and all. And he probably has really long finger nails.

Red Zeppelin January 15, 2010 at 3:49 pm

I swear I bought a car from the guy in the middle. It was a 6 year old Jag with low mileage, so even if it was OBL, fuck do I care.

AnnieGetYourFun January 15, 2010 at 3:50 pm

Is this for “Hot or Not”? I’m going to go with “Not” for now, but I might change my mind later.

madtowngooner January 15, 2010 at 3:53 pm

That one on the right is so Photoshopped.

Manos: Hands of Fate January 15, 2010 at 3:54 pm

The convient thing about being known for having a big beard and wearing a head wrap is that it is pretty easy to avoid detection by removing said accesories. Groucho Mark used to walk around Times Square w/o his grease moustache and no one had a clue who he was.

gurukalehuru January 15, 2010 at 3:55 pm

How much a person’s appearance has changed in the last 9 years depends at least a little bit on how much they WANT it to change. He might have dyed his hair, gotten fat, had plastic surgery or a sex change operation…

Papas got a brand new teabag January 15, 2010 at 3:56 pm

if bin laden got sodomized, under the wahabi fundamentalist law he would have to be stoned to death. so which strapping western homo is willing to take one for the team?

slappypaddy January 15, 2010 at 3:57 pm

the eyes of center and right are dead. is there something going on we should know about?

BlueStateLibtard January 15, 2010 at 3:58 pm

I’d like to see him with botox, chemical peels, lip enhancement and extensions. He would look fabulous. It does look like they cleaned up his eyebrows though, which is nice.

Canmon (the Inadequate) January 15, 2010 at 3:59 pm

I was thinking John Turturro.

rocktonsammy January 15, 2010 at 4:00 pm

Middle OBL is all like “stay thirsty my friends.”

Long Form Def Certificate January 15, 2010 at 4:01 pm

Do they have full-body updates including missing limbs? Given OBL is diabetic & getting older, the odds of amputation of at least a foot are pretty good.

BobTheBuilder January 15, 2010 at 4:02 pm

I hate to say this, but curl and dye the hair, cut it close, ditch the beard, and you’ve got: OBAMA! OMG OMG OMG Palin was right all along!

magic titty January 15, 2010 at 4:03 pm

hellloooooooooo Silver Fox!

El Pinche January 15, 2010 at 4:04 pm

Id hit it. Oh wait!

BobTheBuilder January 15, 2010 at 4:04 pm

Did I say Obama? Never mind… The middle guy is Dave Attell.

bitchincamaro January 15, 2010 at 4:05 pm

Dude’s cab nearly hit me on 6th Avenue this morning.

karen January 15, 2010 at 4:07 pm

He stole George W. Bush’s haircut!

shortsshortsshorts January 15, 2010 at 4:08 pm

I would totally buy a kebab from that middle guy.

Snarkalicious January 15, 2010 at 4:09 pm

[re=495582]Papas got a brand new teabag[/re]: I vote for Richard Simmons. I’d pay a couple hundo to watch that on PPV.

give us a bob January 15, 2010 at 4:10 pm

[re=495578]madtowngooner[/re]: Given the comparison…


versus this:

It seems that OBL handles the face symmetry better than certain folks on this side of the Atlantic

Long Form Def Certificate January 15, 2010 at 4:11 pm

[re=495594]BobTheBuilder[/re]: They say he’s a terror-mastermind, but those balls aren’t terror-masterminds!

Barrelhse January 15, 2010 at 4:13 pm

The one in the middle is EC during his junker days.

Suds McKenzie January 15, 2010 at 4:14 pm

Now I want to know who he’s dating.

liquiddaddy January 15, 2010 at 4:15 pm

He has such ridiculously exaggerated stereotypical Arabic features, it is virtually the same as if Buckwheat was the most dangerous man in the world.

predilectrix January 15, 2010 at 4:18 pm

So, when did he take up the kohl-smeared, doe-eyed look?

Bearbloke January 15, 2010 at 4:25 pm

Morning, Wonkette!

[re=495582]Papas got a brand new teabag[/re]: The guy in the middle is clearly GW Bush, hung over on the morning of 2 January, 2010… but in either’s case, I’d hit (hard} if I can give ‘im a donkey punch and a kerb job

doxastic January 15, 2010 at 4:32 pm

Someone could use an eyelift.

Hooray For Anything January 15, 2010 at 4:34 pm

[re=495581]gurukalehuru[/re]: Yeah. If he’s as smart as they say he is, he would have completely changed his image and gotten rid of the sheep herder look for something more stylish and GQ. Nobody would spot him if he went around in an Armani suit, some gold chains, and got a 4,000 dollar makeover and fake tan.

steverino247 January 15, 2010 at 4:34 pm

I’m thinking Tommy Chong, but with more black in the hair and more of it on the top of his head.

stolichnayaaa January 15, 2010 at 4:36 pm

You guys are mixed up- the center image is a projection of Gheorghe Muresan as he will look in 2020. Why? I dunno, ask Romania.

Chairman Meow January 15, 2010 at 4:37 pm

The Spanish note the FBI have Photoshopped Osama’s forehead & haircut from Gaspar Llamazares, former leader of the left:

Long Form Def Certificate January 15, 2010 at 4:42 pm

[re=495641]stolichnayaaa[/re]: Ghita!

[re=495634]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Worked for mid-to-late-nineties Castro.

Crank Tango January 15, 2010 at 4:42 pm

I hope these images are courtesy of “Mommy, What Will I Look Like?”

Extemporanus January 15, 2010 at 4:52 pm

When it comes to terrorism, we sure render a lot.

chascates January 15, 2010 at 4:54 pm

My advice for him: Blue suit, white shirt, red tie, and American flag lapel pin. Orange tan optional.

Extemporanus January 15, 2010 at 4:56 pm

[re=495609]Suds McKenzie[/re]: I bet Jim Lange knows.

plowman January 15, 2010 at 5:17 pm

He’d do better with mullet and Don Johnson stubble while driving Kim Hendren’s Vette…

Surfeit O' January 15, 2010 at 5:32 pm

Isn’t OBL like six foot five? There’s really a limit to what he can do to blend in.

LOLqat January 15, 2010 at 5:36 pm

Pic #2 = Harvey Fierstein

skyinator January 15, 2010 at 5:38 pm

[re=495718]LOLqat[/re]: Pic #2 = My gynecologist.

Hooray For Anything January 15, 2010 at 5:46 pm

Surfeit O’- OBL is 6’2″ but he’s 6’5″ with the turban

Extemporanus January 15, 2010 at 5:50 pm

[re=495655]Crank Tango[/re]: They were submitted by David Blaine.

DC Hates Me January 15, 2010 at 7:07 pm

[re=495718]LOLqat[/re]: Pic#3 = Harvey Fierstein starring in Fiddler on the Roof.

AxmxZ January 15, 2010 at 7:26 pm

And here’s what he’d look like if he modeled nude for art students:

artbot2000 January 15, 2010 at 8:14 pm

Dear God, it’s Harvey Fierstein.

Can O Whoopass January 15, 2010 at 8:52 pm

The real bin Ladin spotted buying yellow pound cake in Nigeria;

Xenopus January 15, 2010 at 9:32 pm

Shouldn’t be too hard to spot a guy with one black eyebrow and one gray eyebrow, if he ever leaves the cave.

snideinplainsight January 15, 2010 at 10:53 pm

Eeny Meany Myknee Moe,
Catch a Krugman by the toe,
If he hollers, make some joke about beard length and the Laffer curve,
Eeny Meany Myknee Moe!

S.Luggo January 15, 2010 at 11:35 pm


villageatrois January 15, 2010 at 11:44 pm

OBL has been dead for several years. In 2020 what do you think the CIA photos will look like? Will he be younger and hipper and more dangerouser?

S.Luggo January 15, 2010 at 11:46 pm

The downside of snarking Osama bin Cheney is that it makes you sound like Jo-Go.

Anytrail, the middle pitcher is totally stoopid. As a devout Shia, Osama — like Charlie Crist — would never remove his beard.

ThePerfesser January 16, 2010 at 4:25 am

No wonder they can’t find him in Beheadistan. He’s running that kebab place and buffet on M Street right by Sign of the Whale. Excellent Shiraz salad. Also.

alzronnie January 16, 2010 at 4:50 pm

He works the counter at my neighborhood convenience store. Dude is always on the cellphone. I was there on Christmas day and am pretty sure that he was talking to the Nigerian wannabomber, making me wait for him to ring up my Hornitos. I’d turn him in but he always throws in a bag of ice for free.

donner_froh January 16, 2010 at 7:42 pm

He looks like a Spanish Communist politician.

Oh, that’s why.

getoffmylawn January 17, 2010 at 7:15 am

Soon to be featured in the next Just For Men commercial.

Bruno January 17, 2010 at 6:05 pm

The guy in the middle is my gynecologist.

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