pics or gtfo

Only The Computers Know What Osama Looks Like Nowadays

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The State Department has used fancy science computers to update its file image of Osama bin Laden from 1998. In the center we have the “well, it could happen” Western-shaven Osama, while on the right we have the more traditional hobo version. Which Osama bin Laden would you fuck the most? The middle one has kind of a “Clooney thing” going on, so… no. Just no. [1010Wins via NY Mag]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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Comments

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  • SayItWithWookies

    Waziristaniana.

  • Nappied Hypotenuse

    Wouldn’t that be “PICS or GiTMO”?

  • chascates

    I bet he’s pretty pale hiding in that cave and all. And he probably has really long finger nails.

  • Red Zeppelin

    I swear I bought a car from the guy in the middle. It was a 6 year old Jag with low mileage, so even if it was OBL, fuck do I care.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    Is this for “Hot or Not”? I’m going to go with “Not” for now, but I might change my mind later.

  • madtowngooner

    That one on the right is so Photoshopped.

  • Manos: Hands of Fate

    The convient thing about being known for having a big beard and wearing a head wrap is that it is pretty easy to avoid detection by removing said accesories. Groucho Mark used to walk around Times Square w/o his grease moustache and no one had a clue who he was.

  • gurukalehuru

    How much a person’s appearance has changed in the last 9 years depends at least a little bit on how much they WANT it to change. He might have dyed his hair, gotten fat, had plastic surgery or a sex change operation…

  • Papas got a brand new teabag

    if bin laden got sodomized, under the wahabi fundamentalist law he would have to be stoned to death. so which strapping western homo is willing to take one for the team?

  • slappypaddy

    the eyes of center and right are dead. is there something going on we should know about?

  • BlueStateLibtard

    I’d like to see him with botox, chemical peels, lip enhancement and extensions. He would look fabulous. It does look like they cleaned up his eyebrows though, which is nice.

  • Canmon (the Inadequate)

    I was thinking John Turturro.

  • rocktonsammy

    Middle OBL is all like “stay thirsty my friends.”

  • Long Form Def Certificate

    Do they have full-body updates including missing limbs? Given OBL is diabetic & getting older, the odds of amputation of at least a foot are pretty good.

  • BobTheBuilder

    I hate to say this, but curl and dye the hair, cut it close, ditch the beard, and you’ve got: OBAMA! OMG OMG OMG Palin was right all along!

  • magic titty

    hellloooooooooo Silver Fox!

  • El Pinche

    Id hit it. Oh wait!

  • BobTheBuilder

    Did I say Obama? Never mind… The middle guy is Dave Attell.

  • bitchincamaro

    Dude’s cab nearly hit me on 6th Avenue this morning.

  • karen

    He stole George W. Bush’s haircut!

  • shortsshortsshorts

    I would totally buy a kebab from that middle guy.

  • Snarkalicious

    [re=495582]Papas got a brand new teabag[/re]: I vote for Richard Simmons. I’d pay a couple hundo to watch that on PPV.

  • give us a bob

    [re=495578]madtowngooner[/re]: Given the comparison…

    This:
    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_mJ4lc_Q9Q6k/SvWOweQoSFI/AAAAAAAAjPs/mIrULs5Tl0c/s1600-h/Reagan.png

    versus this:
    http://www.photoanon.com/images/zoytjxqqx5098qvuzdpr.jpg

    It seems that OBL handles the face symmetry better than certain folks on this side of the Atlantic

  • Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=495594]BobTheBuilder[/re]: They say he’s a terror-mastermind, but those balls aren’t terror-masterminds!

  • Barrelhse

    The one in the middle is EC during his junker days.

  • Suds McKenzie

    Now I want to know who he’s dating.

  • liquiddaddy

    He has such ridiculously exaggerated stereotypical Arabic features, it is virtually the same as if Buckwheat was the most dangerous man in the world.

  • predilectrix

    So, when did he take up the kohl-smeared, doe-eyed look? http://www.ashleyb.org/images/kandahar.jpg

  • Bearbloke

    Morning, Wonkette!

    [re=495582]Papas got a brand new teabag[/re]: The guy in the middle is clearly GW Bush, hung over on the morning of 2 January, 2010… but in either’s case, I’d hit (hard} if I can give ‘im a donkey punch and a kerb job

  • doxastic

    Someone could use an eyelift.

  • Hooray For Anything

    [re=495581]gurukalehuru[/re]: Yeah. If he’s as smart as they say he is, he would have completely changed his image and gotten rid of the sheep herder look for something more stylish and GQ. Nobody would spot him if he went around in an Armani suit, some gold chains, and got a 4,000 dollar makeover and fake tan.

  • steverino247

    I’m thinking Tommy Chong, but with more black in the hair and more of it on the top of his head.

  • stolichnayaaa

    You guys are mixed up- the center image is a projection of Gheorghe Muresan as he will look in 2020. Why? I dunno, ask Romania.

  • Chairman Meow

    The Spanish note the FBI have Photoshopped Osama’s forehead & haircut from Gaspar Llamazares, former leader of the left: http://www.elmundo.es/elmundo/2010/01/15/internacional/1263572681.html

  • Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=495641]stolichnayaaa[/re]: Ghita!

    [re=495634]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Worked for mid-to-late-nineties Castro.

  • Crank Tango

    I hope these images are courtesy of “Mommy, What Will I Look Like?”

  • Extemporanus

    When it comes to terrorism, we sure render a lot.

  • chascates

    My advice for him: Blue suit, white shirt, red tie, and American flag lapel pin. Orange tan optional.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=495609]Suds McKenzie[/re]: I bet Jim Lange knows.

  • plowman

    He’d do better with mullet and Don Johnson stubble while driving Kim Hendren’s Vette…

  • Surfeit O&#39

    Isn’t OBL like six foot five? There’s really a limit to what he can do to blend in.

  • LOLqat

    Pic #2 = Harvey Fierstein

  • skyinator

    [re=495718]LOLqat[/re]: Pic #2 = My gynecologist.

  • Hooray For Anything

    Surfeit O’- OBL is 6’2″ but he’s 6’5″ with the turban

  • Extemporanus

    [re=495655]Crank Tango[/re]: They were submitted by David Blaine.

  • DC Hates Me

    [re=495718]LOLqat[/re]: Pic#3 = Harvey Fierstein starring in Fiddler on the Roof.
    http://broadwayworld.com/photoops/rosiefiddler/Fierstein_ODONNELL_WM134820.jpg

  • AxmxZ

    And here’s what he’d look like if he modeled nude for art students:

    http://to55er.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/neanderthal_280_470743a.jpg

  • artbot2000

    Dear God, it’s Harvey Fierstein.

  • Can O Whoopass

    The real bin Ladin spotted buying yellow pound cake in Nigeria; http://tinyurl.com/y9bckmb

  • Xenopus

    Shouldn’t be too hard to spot a guy with one black eyebrow and one gray eyebrow, if he ever leaves the cave.

  • snideinplainsight

    Eeny Meany Myknee Moe,
    Catch a Krugman by the toe,
    If he hollers, make some joke about beard length and the Laffer curve,
    Eeny Meany Myknee Moe!

  • S.Luggo

    Fidel?
    Mom?

  • villageatrois

    OBL has been dead for several years. In 2020 what do you think the CIA photos will look like? Will he be younger and hipper and more dangerouser?

  • S.Luggo

    The downside of snarking Osama bin Cheney is that it makes you sound like Jo-Go.

    Anytrail, the middle pitcher is totally stoopid. As a devout Shia, Osama — like Charlie Crist — would never remove his beard.

  • ThePerfesser

    No wonder they can’t find him in Beheadistan. He’s running that kebab place and buffet on M Street right by Sign of the Whale. Excellent Shiraz salad. Also.

  • alzronnie

    He works the counter at my neighborhood convenience store. Dude is always on the cellphone. I was there on Christmas day and am pretty sure that he was talking to the Nigerian wannabomber, making me wait for him to ring up my Hornitos. I’d turn him in but he always throws in a bag of ice for free.

  • donner_froh

    He looks like a Spanish Communist politician.

    Oh, that’s why.

    http://tinyurl.com/yetn7a2

  • getoffmylawn

    Soon to be featured in the next Just For Men commercial.

  • Bruno

    The guy in the middle is my gynecologist.