By the Comics Curmudgeon
Since you’re reading Wonkette, I assume you’re some kind of news-reading nerd, since without a deep and thorough understanding of the American political system and world events you can’t appreciate the many philosophical layers of our hilarious dick jokes. Which means, of course, that you’ve probably had your fill of tales of grim earthquake-struck horror. Why can’t we all enjoy some happy good times, from cartoons? Or at least be distracted by their insanity? That, good sirs and madams, is precisely what I intend to deliver to you today.

Like, here, for instance, it’s a big fat guy fucking a pile of money! That’s light-hearted and devil-may-care, right? Yup, just some naked dude with pimples on his ass, man-boobs spilling obscenely down his gut, making sweet love to a bunch of US currency. Note that what appears to be a fountain of twenties is erupting, apparently under its own power, from between our money-lover’s butt cheeks and up past his taint and genitals to spew all over the floor. Presumably this sick fiend will eventually pick up the cash and begin the process anew. Now, you may be thinking, “In what context could this horrific image possibly be a good thing?” At least it’s not another story about people trapped in collapsed buildings, amirite? At least we know what to do about this image, which is to turn away in horror and disgust.

And speaking of horror and disgust, what say you to the image of a man weeping pharmaceuticals? Does it make your stomach turn a bit to see the pills oozing down his face like huge, lazy beetles? Does it make you shudder in distaste at our modern age, where we cannot say where our own bodies begin and the magic chemicals we make to glorify and destroy those bodies end?

Anyway, to distract you from such weighty matters, here’s something much easier to get your head around: It’s three dudes standing around talking. Pretty exciting from a visual standpoint, right? One of the dudes is holding a clipboard and another one is holding a newspaper. Also, someone mentions a “merry-go-round,” which you might think would be a fun thing to look at, and these three dudes could be riding on the horses or what not, except it also sounds kind of hard to draw, especially when you could just draw three dudes standing around in a featureless void.

Am I being too hard on these cartoonists? Maybe! But, you know what, I believe in American greatness. Specifically, I believe that American political cartoonists need to show the way for aspiring cartoonists in Foreign lands. Take this cartoon, for instance, which is from Albania. See, the airplane represents the Economy, and it can’t “take off” because it’s being “held down” by the Crisis, which is a giant airplane-sized boulder. Good try, Albania! I’d compare you unfavorably to your American counterparts, but at least you made a blunt sort of sense.

That is more than we can say for this more ambitious but significantly less coherent effort. A bevy of tiny Peter Orszag clones has arrived at Peter Orszag’s office, only to find that he’s not there. What are we to make of this? Do they represent the budget director’s various love children? Or are they tailoring a Orszagian image because they’ve learned that someone of his looks can apparently score with hot broadcast journalists? Is Orszag himself missing because he’s out impregnating more innocent heiresses? Or has he divided himself up into dozens of mini-Orszags so that he can more effectively balance the budget and conduct all of his may sex affairs?

Speaking of sex affairs, this dude, who may or may not be the money-fucking dude from the first cartoon, is totally about to fuck this phone. A sheepdog who has been cruelly dressed in a shirt and tie watches, unmoved.

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  1. If you want to be taken seriously, even in a comment thread in a marginally relevant public forum, at least learn to spell cartoon correctly

  2. man, I thought the earthquake was heartbreaking, but just think about Albania – a country whose artistic culture hasn’t yet moved beyond stick figures and bumpy rocks. they haven’t even reach cave painting yet.

  3. It’s kind of sad that, while editorial cartoonist feel the need to label every political figure except for the actual President, this one (Sherfus? It’s hard to make out the name) figures everyone will recognize a baseball player who’s been retired for years. And he’s probably right.

    If Danzinger wanted to make his joke in an oblique way that took about a minute to figure out, it should at least have been funny. Or about something that people other than us political gossip nerd know about.

  4. [re=495367]JMP[/re]: everyone will recognize a baseball player who’s been retired for years

    Oh, that’s who it is! I honestly had no clue. Based on the drawing, I was pretty sure it was some Scandinavian political official caught up in a painkiller scandal. Really!

  5. [re=495369]user-of-owls[/re]: Yeah, it’s Mark McGuire; but it is good to know that some people didn’t recognize him, and I just wish that I was one of them. Until the quake, the steroid so-called scandal seemed inescapable in the news.

  6. my sweet wonkette, i do appreciate your hilarious dick jokes (i’m one myself), but i miss the good old days of buttseks jokes in the naughty oughties, back when the repubs were funny and always good for a buttseks joke, and not merely the pathetic imploders they’ve become.

  7. [re=495369]user-of-owls[/re]: Yes, it’s Mark McGwire, who is now crying tylenol tears because he used to take a lot of steroids, by injecting them in his ass with a needle, because that’s how you take the steroids, and now his ass hurts SO much, from all the needles.

    Ergo the tylenol caplets. He eats so much tylenol, because of the sore ass, he’s literally crying them out. I think that’s what the artist is trying to tell us.

  8. Meh. Bring back the good old days, when cartoonists sucked down orange sunshine faster than the guy in panel #2 could excrete them from his tear ducts.

  9. [re=495360]Hon. Jewington Analplay[/re]: actually, “cartood” is a pretty good word for this week’s selection. Or maybe “cartoody.”

    Arrests should be made.

  10. [re=495380]Leopolt[/re]: Awwww. Orange Sunshine. Now there *IS* a happy thought. Oh, you kids today, you have no idea how exquisite that shit was! Too bad the Gummint locked up all the precursors … and all the chemists.

  11. No doubt we Americans can find ways of making fun of the overly rich dickheads on Wall Street but are we really going to ridicule them for loving their money? Anybody remember the big laugh line from the movie Arthur? “How’s it feel to have all that money?” “It feels great.” Americans hate each other, but we all love money.
    And the Conan/Leno cartoon; Doesn’t it look like the guy scribbled on the “Jay” label after he realized he’d accidentally drawn Ted Kennedy rather than Leno?

  12. …three dudes standing around in a featureless void.

    Now there’s a smart labor-saving, productivity-boosting cartoon production method. Danziger would have been better served drawing just ONE Peter Orszag clone, and had the guy say, “Sorry, Peter Orszag’s Clone Army [not pictured], Mr. Orszag had to step away for a minute.”

  13. [re=495397]iolanthe[/re]: Are ludes really extinct? Damn. Remember, kids, the greatest regrets are never about what you did, they are over what you didn’t do.

  14. [re=495397]iolanthe[/re]: True, true, true.

    But I’m thinking about that Albanian plane – how do we know it’s NOT off the ground? Or is the glare from the sunshine confusing me?

  15. [re=495406]Prommie[/re]: Mmmm. Maybe. I really really regret dislocating mu hip and breaking my femur, and only slightly regret kicking (name with held to protect the drunk ) out of bed back in the 80’s. I’m sure banging (name with held to protect the drunk )over and over for one night would have been a spiritual gift to both of us, but if her husband found out we would both die a painful violent death vis a vis some blunt masonry tool.

    OT if you have not tried Chrome, the free browser from Google, I heartily endorse it. There is spell checker built in that puts a red squiggly under miss spelled werds.

  16. [re=495360]Hon. Jewington Analplay[/re]: Oh, fuck off.

    Also, I thought that drawing of “Jay Leno” was supposed to be “Newt Gingrich.” And that was weird for me.

  17. [re=495376]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: And if it isn’t bad enough that McGwire is admitting he raped Roger Maris’ legacy, Jose Canseco is still calling him a liar because he refuses to admit all the lonely hours they spent in Oakland together jabbing each other in the butt. With steroids.

  18. I don’t get the crying pills one at all. Is this commentary on how the FDA is beholden to industry and can’t do their jobs leading to the heart break of drug-induced something or other?

    Oh, wait, glancing at the comments, is see it is perhaps that baseball guy. Okay, I change my comment from what the? to who cares?

    You know what would make a nice cartoon, baseballguy made into a bank, crying fraudulently rated paper. Because everyone pretended that wasn’t happening either and that the used house selling home runs would go on forever.

  19. I, too, was wondering WTF until I read the comments. Never knew there were so many baseball fans among the Wonkeratti. Anyway, McGwire needed to be labeled. Conan and Jay, not so much. And why is there a cartoon dog working in the mobile phone store.
    re: the big cartoon v. cartood controversy, might I be so bold to suggest, in view of this week’s crop, tardtoon.

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