Happy Thoughts, Happy Thoughts

  cartoon violence

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Since you’re reading Wonkette, I assume you’re some kind of news-reading nerd, since without a deep and thorough understanding of the American political system and world events you can’t appreciate the many philosophical layers of our hilarious dick jokes. Which means, of course, that you’ve probably had your fill of tales of grim earthquake-struck horror. Why can’t we all enjoy some happy good times, from cartoons? Or at least be distracted by their insanity? That, good sirs and madams, is precisely what I intend to deliver to you today.

Like, here, for instance, it’s a big fat guy fucking a pile of money! That’s light-hearted and devil-may-care, right? Yup, just some naked dude with pimples on his ass, man-boobs spilling obscenely down his gut, making sweet love to a bunch of US currency. Note that what appears to be a fountain of twenties is erupting, apparently under its own power, from between our money-lover’s butt cheeks and up past his taint and genitals to spew all over the floor. Presumably this sick fiend will eventually pick up the cash and begin the process anew. Now, you may be thinking, “In what context could this horrific image possibly be a good thing?” At least it’s not another story about people trapped in collapsed buildings, amirite? At least we know what to do about this image, which is to turn away in horror and disgust.

And speaking of horror and disgust, what say you to the image of a man weeping pharmaceuticals? Does it make your stomach turn a bit to see the pills oozing down his face like huge, lazy beetles? Does it make you shudder in distaste at our modern age, where we cannot say where our own bodies begin and the magic chemicals we make to glorify and destroy those bodies end?

Anyway, to distract you from such weighty matters, here’s something much easier to get your head around: It’s three dudes standing around talking. Pretty exciting from a visual standpoint, right? One of the dudes is holding a clipboard and another one is holding a newspaper. Also, someone mentions a “merry-go-round,” which you might think would be a fun thing to look at, and these three dudes could be riding on the horses or what not, except it also sounds kind of hard to draw, especially when you could just draw three dudes standing around in a featureless void.

Am I being too hard on these cartoonists? Maybe! But, you know what, I believe in American greatness. Specifically, I believe that American political cartoonists need to show the way for aspiring cartoonists in Foreign lands. Take this cartoon, for instance, which is from Albania. See, the airplane represents the Economy, and it can’t “take off” because it’s being “held down” by the Crisis, which is a giant airplane-sized boulder. Good try, Albania! I’d compare you unfavorably to your American counterparts, but at least you made a blunt sort of sense.

That is more than we can say for this more ambitious but significantly less coherent effort. A bevy of tiny Peter Orszag clones has arrived at Peter Orszag’s office, only to find that he’s not there. What are we to make of this? Do they represent the budget director’s various love children? Or are they tailoring a Orszagian image because they’ve learned that someone of his looks can apparently score with hot broadcast journalists? Is Orszag himself missing because he’s out impregnating more innocent heiresses? Or has he divided himself up into dozens of mini-Orszags so that he can more effectively balance the budget and conduct all of his may sex affairs?

Speaking of sex affairs, this dude, who may or may not be the money-fucking dude from the first cartoon, is totally about to fuck this phone. A sheepdog who has been cruelly dressed in a shirt and tie watches, unmoved.

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

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