About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • joezoo

    This PROVES that liberals are hostile to Christians.

    Also: a press secretary stating an obvious fact plainly and unequivocally? What a “gaffe”!

  • stew

    As part of the relief effort, I say we harvest Pat Robertson’s organs transplants and then use his fat to make soap.

  • Schmegeg

    Somebody needs to apologize to Napoleon III. I am deeply offended that this wannabe Napoleon was slandered.

  • hedgehog

    You cut off the clip too early and missed the part where Gibbs’ head spun around and a swarm of flies flew out of his mouth.

  • emmasue

    with no french colonial overseers, the haitians now have no delicious baguettes, hence, earthquakes.

  • Lawndarts

    Joezoo is right about Robert Gibbs being right.

  • TGY

    Actually, Gibbs was mincing words and pulling the punch.

  • nbawriter

    I know a pause to delete F-bombs from an answer when I see it.

  • Ducksworthy

    Wow! Gibbsie almost slipped and told us what he really things of fraudulent blood diamond smuggling arms running old white racists who have made their fortunes terrifying old ladies. That would have been good but probably his last press conference.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Robert Gibbs is so understated — what the rest of humanity thought about Robertson’s assinine statement is much, much worse. Religion would do well to stick to imaginary stuff and leave reality to people who dwell therein.

  • Gopherit

    He is such a muslim.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Gibbs has that trademark pursed-lips-and-shaking-head that just screams epic disappointment. The kind of expression that should make fetid fuckknuckles like Robertson slink off into a corner and die quietly.

  • Come here a minute

    Brit Hume agrees with Pat Robertson. The Haitians are said to believe in Voodoo, and I don’t think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith.

  • widestanceromancer

    Dana Perino would’ve cold-cocked the reporter just for asking.

  • stanpan

    From “The Real Frank Zappa Book”

    Making a Mockery of the Founding Fathers
    Let me close out this chapter with a note about one of Pat Robertson’s more reprehensible activities:
    rewriting American history with a ‘Christian’ bias. His 700 Club broadcasts have systematically disinformed
    viewers as to the real attitudes of the Founding Fathers on religion and its relationship to government.
    This seems to have been done in order to merchandise his peculiar vision of an America under the thumb
    of religious regulators. (One broadcast suggested the deployment of a “Spirit-Filled Police Force” that
    would just know-with the help of the Lord, of course-who the real criminals were.)
    The revolutionaries who got this country started were not, as Robertson would have us believe,
    a bunch of wig-headed Jeezo-Grovelers, whimpering for guidance from The Unseen Hand.
    They had a First Amendment premonition about pimp-weasels like him. Speak up, boys…

    “The United States is in no sense founded upon the Christian doctrine.”
    George Washington
    “It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no god.
    It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.”
    Thomas Jefferson
    “I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church,
    by the Turkish church, by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of. My own mind is my own church.”
    Thomas Paine
    “I do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature.”
    Thomas Jefferson
    “The Bible is not my book, and Christianity is not my religion.
    I could never give assent to the long, complicated statements of Christian dogma.”
    Abraham Lincoln

    (Quotes as listed in “Salvation for Sale”, by Gerard Thomas Straub.)

  • Min

    Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Of Saaaatan!

  • CaiteeCruelle

    [re=494965]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I beg you, please do not conflate this “Pat Robertson” person and his batshit, Satan-centered views with actual religion or practicers thereof. We don’t know him, we don’t run into him at our religion parties, or on our churchy side of town. Really, nothing to do wth us.

  • Gorillionaire

    I swear to god I fucking love the fuckity fuck fuck out of Robert Gibbs more and more every single day and hope that one day he becomes King of America.

  • JMP

    If it turned out that Pat Robertson and his buddies’ religion was somehow real, I for one probably would turn to Satan, since the god they believe in is an absolute monster who in no way deserves to be worshiped, so the alternative would have to be more morally justifiable.

  • Neilist

    At least in this Country we still have all the guns that Jesus gave us.

    To kill all the athetists like “Secretary Gibbs.”

    Without the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, how could we possibly implement the BEST parts of the Ten Commandments, e.g., “You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me . . . .”

    “Punishing.” That just SHOUTS “shotgun the Godless.”

  • pedestrian rage

    Wow, for a minute I’m liking the Obama Administration again. (Pauses to reflect upon/savor the moment).

    There, done. Now, back to being in a near-constant froth over the half-assery of nearly all their policies.

  • bokonon

    well. I say we all get with the Devil and trade an earthquake in say … South Carolina … for his taking old Pat off our hands right now.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=494978]CaiteeCruelle[/re]: Sorry, no can do. Any worldview not committed to cause-and-effect relationships among observable phenomena is pretty much the keys to the nuthouse. Just ’cause you only peep in the door on special occasions doesn’t mean you won’t pack your bags and move in tomorrow. It’s sloppy thinking — any form of which can lead to Robertsonesque insanity.

  • Cape Clod

    Was he trying to walk that statement back a little? Come on, let’s not put up with crap anymore and call those douche bags on their bullshit from now on.

  • Jumping Jim

    God needs to call Pat home.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=494973]Come here a minute[/re]: SEE?!?! THAT is what I was expecting Pat to talk about. That, or AIDS (“They all have the AIDS! Because they are black and promiscuous!”). But an ACTUAL deal with an ACTUAL (completely fictional) character? Even for Pat, this was kind of weird.

    [re=494993]SayItWithWookies[/re]: <3

  • Bearbloke

    But, but, but – isn’t the Good Reverend Robertson righteously serving The Lord in his popularly-mandated role as The Official Arbiter of and Spokesman for All That Is Sufficiently Holy in, of, and for The Divinely-Ordained Christian Nation of US America?? That’s the Correct and Conservative message us dirty furriners have been getting from the Voice of America and Armed Forces Radio for some 20 years! Shame on that evil KenyIslamic FaSocialist Usurper NoBama and this probably-queer race-traitor “Presidential Spokesman” of his!

    In any case, the Good Reverend Robertson is just devoutly following the time-honoured Southern Baptist tradition of helping the niggers slaves strike>darkies coloureds Children-of-Ham mudpeople NEE-grows Blacks People of African Descent understand and appreciate their assigned place in God’s Creation – and if a few hundred of ’em get killed as a result of the Good Reverend’s blood-diamond mining operations, then they just get to Heaven a little sooner (through the coloured entrance of course – because even Heaven has its standards)…

  • ida kutchakocov

    Wait…you can’t say stupid. I smell a beer summit or maybe some communion wine or something.

  • BeWoot

    Technically it is impossible to insult Pat Robertson. It’s like “dampening the ocean” — or “idioting Bret Hume.”

  • rambone

    [re=494981]JMP[/re]: Hear, hear!

    The god purportedly worshipped by Robertson and his ilk is a real asshole. I suppose that it’s reassuring to believe that bad things only happen to bad people, particularly if you don’t realize that you (i.e. Robertson) are one of the worst human beings to ever exist.

  • Suds McKenzie

    [re=494975]widestanceromancer[/re]: Dana Perino wouldn’t have known what a “Haiti” is.

  • Marie Laveau

    Wait until he wakes up tonight with snakes wriggling in his guts. He’ll be sorry.

  • problemwithcaring

    [re=494977]Min[/re]: Ha!

  • Katydid

    [re=494978]CaiteeCruelle[/re]: I beg you, please do not conflate this “Pat Robertson” person and his batshit, Satan-centered views with actual religion or practicers thereof.

    When the ministers and priests start condemning Pat’s hateful daily hatred, people might consider it.

  • DoktorZoom

    Gibbs is no CJ Cregg, but he’ll do.

  • proudgrampa

    [re=495045]Katydid[/re]: Well said, Katy. While I admire Caitee’s stand, the clergy’s silence speaks entire libraries.

  • Snarkalicious

    [re=494993]SayItWithWookies[/re]: You know, though, if they’re right, Ayn Rand is smiling at you from hell. Sleep tight.

  • Boozeweek


    Wookies, you’re the best, but I think it’s a little cavalier to draw the line at observable phenomena. At various points in history the New World, the electron, Saturn, etc. flunked that test.

    Don’t get me wrong, though, Robertson is a piece of shit on a stick.

  • glamourdammerung

    [re=495028]Marie Laveau[/re]: “Wait until he wakes up tonight with snakes wriggling in his guts. He’ll be sorry.”

    I doubt Robertson would be sorry as he probably paid good money for “Mandingo” to put his snake up into his guts.

  • Ripley_v_alien

    *getting out my pincushion and pretending*

  • rambone

    [re=495103]Boozeweek[/re]: I think it’s a little cavalier to draw the line at observable phenomena. At various points in history the New World, the electron, Saturn, etc. flunked that test.

    While the existence of the examples you give is now generally accepted, wouldn’t it have been slightly batty to believe in them without any rational basis? Just sayin’.

  • Crankenstank

    Why does Robert Gibbs hate the lord?

  • Escape Goat Nation

    Hey you guys, have you seen Pat Robertson’s Age-Defying Magic Pancakes?
    They’re pretty cool.
    Read how fucking awesome they are for you…then read the disclaimer in red at the bottom.


    By the way, look at the front page of CBN. Pat’s really going out of his way to show how much he loves the Devil ridden Haiti.

  • JMP

    [re=495103]Boozeweek[/re]: Nah; they were unobserved phenomena, but still completely observable. There’s a big difference.

  • Hunger Tallest Palin

    “Waaaah! 1st Amendment, Church n’ State! LIEburul socialists burning the Bible!”

    Bank on it.

  • MissEllie

    Pudgy, pasty and balding, but God help me, I love the smart, funny guys. Robert, out here in the ether, there is a southern ex-cheerleader, ex-sorority babe who would happily rock your world. Think about that every once in awhile, and give an enigmatic but knowing smile for me.

  • WickedWitch

    I’m with whoever said Gibbsie was engaging in some self-censorship during this answer.

    Of course, can you imagine the phone calls at C-Span world headquarters if he REALLY said what he thought? Good times!

  • DustBowlBlues

    [re=494965]SayItWithWookies[/re]: “Religion would do well to stick to imaginary stuff and leave reality to people who dwell therein.”

    Please, don’t equate the cruel, schizophrenic drivel that comes out of this antiquated moron’s pie hole religion. If I weren’t a loyal United Methodist, leader in my church and a Sunday School teacher to children, I would say what I’m really thinking.

    Fuck it. I’ll say what Gibbs couldn’t. Robertson is a godless cocksucking old wingnut who deserves to be dispatched to the special hell reserved for the truly horrific (Adolph, meet Pat) wherein he will questioned, to his surprise, by the Spanish Inquisition.

    And send Rush along with him.

  • vespula maculata

    Sue me. I think Robert Gibbs is sexy.

  • zhubajie

    Pat probably knows the Devil real well. He just calls him “Jesus.” Pat’s made tons of $$$ and gained embarrassing amounts of political clout by telling his followers what they want to hear. Wasn’t the Devil who tempted Jesus wealth and power? “Why do the wicked flourish like a green tree?”

    Zhu Bajie

  • Mara47

    [re=495045]Katydid[/re]: Word.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=495085]Snarkalicious[/re]: That’s a horrific thought. And the amusing fairy tale bit doesn’t even begin to make up for the idea of Ayn Rand smiling at me — that freezes my balls.

    [re=495103]Boozeweek[/re]: Rambone pretty much addressed your argument — it makes sense to go by what’s observable. An advantage of science is that its model of the world changes as the observable facts change — it isn’t doctrinally bound to the idea that, for instance, humans are entirely different from the rest of the animal kingdom. If the facts change, the better model of reality ultimately wins out.
    Faith-based doctrines — especially those like biblical literalism that make testable claims about the real world that are proved wrong — can’t do this, and often fight against reality with increasingly outlandish claims. Why? Because they go by argument from authority or revelation rather than an argument based on facts. Such a system divorces itself from reality and can never be trusted to arrive at a knowable truth.

    [re=495193]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Here’s my problem with all religion — and it’s nothing personal to you or a lot of the other theists here who I really like. But when your ultimate authority is a book that has been proven to be interpretable in radically different ways, who’s to say that you’re the right one and Pat Robertson isn’t? The Bible (and, to be fair, every other holy book or absolute authority) has justified the basest as well as the most exalted of human propensities. So as a moral guide, it’s an absolute failure — as its adherents can’t seem to reach any moral consensus on the tough issues.
    So I admire your humanity, and respect your outrage with idiots such as Robertson. But I would contend that these are instincts that transcend religion — because ideas of fairness and justice have been shown to exist in other primates as well. The idea that we all start off with the same rights doesn’t come from God — it comes from secular humanism, which is the culmination of millions of years of trying to form societies and live together. Religion has some principles, but always tempers them with “but whatever God thinks, even if it makes no sense, will have to do.” It’s no mystery why that’s brought us the C-Street house and other embarrassments and failures — it’s wrong at its very core.

  • Zadig

    [re=495219]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Hear hear. Speaking as an agnostic, it’s not the idea of some sort of theistic being or force that drives me up the fucking wall. It’s the actual religions that crop up around it. Assuming for the sake of an argument that there is an omnipotent creator-being of the universe, the notion that a millenias-old book written by a human being could tell you even thing one about such a being is laughable.

    Faith and rational thought are not incompatible, but faith in a higher power is something that must be approached in the same manner that science is: not through dogma, but through a rough model that you refine as you observe and learn more. The precise truth may be ultimately unknowable, but through observation and a willingness to adjust your views, you can approximate the truth more accurately.

  • Captain Swing

    If ever their was a case for the Prez to triple the education budget and ensure that students are taught how to reason and apply critical thinking, surely evil slimeballs like Pat the Rat make it for him…

  • gurukalehuru

    Robert Gibbs is what I wish the Obama administration were really like.

  • TGY

    [re=495248]gurukalehuru[/re]: He should write a book! Well, maybe later.

  • finkystinger

    i love gibbs.

  • testiclease

    Pat Robertsons statement just caused Jerry Falwell to roll over in an aopoplectic fit and shove his formaldehyde engorged cock up Oral Roberts ass. Pat gets an atta boy.