Look At Angelina Jolie’s Four New Adopted Alaskan Children

by Juli Weiner

It’s so great that Charlie Sheen is finally getting a platform of his own, you guys! Let’s see, what else…

If this is somehow the work of Bristol Palin’s new acronymic public relations kollective, perhaps everyone underestimated you, Bristol Palin, although they’d almost certain have had to.

“In an exclusive interview at the family’s home in Alaska on January 10, Sarah and Bristol plopped down on the teenager’s bed and opened up about the joys and challenges of raising Tripp and Trig.”

It is weird to think that like three years ago 1/3 of the words in that sentence did not even exist! And it is weirder to think that even now, in many important ways, they still don’t. [In Touch]

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Hola wonkerados.

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MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend January 14, 2010 at 9:40 am

Someone explain to these dumb cunts that the key word is CHOSE. As in they had a motherfucking CHOICE.

vespula maculata January 14, 2010 at 9:43 am

Can we talk you into choosing to go away too?

ManchuCandidate January 14, 2010 at 9:43 am

OMG. Mothers! Like no one has ever given birth before or anything…

I still deeply suspect that the Downs Syndrome kid is way smarter than his mother.

TGY January 14, 2010 at 9:45 am

They have found their niche as a tabloid family. I knew it all along!

FlownOver January 14, 2010 at 9:45 am

In Touch with what, exactly – Their Inner Lizards? Jimmy Hoffa? Xenu, maybe?

V572625694 January 14, 2010 at 9:46 am

Who’s Rachel Zoe, and why doesn’t she have a proper last name in addition to her scary diet. Thanks, our Wonkett who makes fun of everything, for leading us down the tabloid path.

Granted, the Haitian disaster is pretty snark-proof.

JMP January 14, 2010 at 9:47 am

Angelina and the Palins could have a contest to see who can give their kids the stupidest names.

Also: who the fuck is Rachel Zoe, and why should we care?

Texan Bulldoggette January 14, 2010 at 9:48 am

Leave Sarah alone, people! Can’t you see she wants to be treated like a serious politician?

BarackMyWorld January 14, 2010 at 9:50 am

Regarding the quote on the cover, I’m sure there are plenty of other women who wouldn’t appreciate it if that choice was taken away from them.

iburl January 14, 2010 at 9:50 am

Future headlines on the cover of “In Touch Weekly” in the year 2030:



My words, mark them.

Terry January 14, 2010 at 9:51 am

Sarah just learned to be a more patient mother after the birth of Trig? What did she do before, just lay around and yell at the other kids to go to get her something from Taco Bell? Oh, wait…

queeraselvis v 2.0 January 14, 2010 at 9:51 am

Next stop for this pair of media whores: Wife Swap, obvs.

Jim Demintia January 14, 2010 at 9:52 am

She will never, ever go away. John McCain needs to be punched in the testicles.

joezoo January 14, 2010 at 9:57 am

Subheadline: “Because we were THIS CLOSE to aborting these kids right down the drain!”

BruceLee5000 January 14, 2010 at 9:58 am

Main photo attempting to celebrate the choice of life, sidebar demonstrating the selfish abuse of said life. This cover IS The Singularity. It will collapse under the weight of its own irony and pull every item in the entire supermarket in on itself forming the newest, most vacuous, black hole yet known to the Universe.

What Fresh Hell is This? January 14, 2010 at 10:01 am

Sarah reminds me so much of my own grandmother — old and biggoted and with too much make up. But then, I’m not a bastard like little Tripp.

JMP January 14, 2010 at 10:03 am

[re=494465]MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend[/re]: No, no; the pro-choice movement wants to force abortions on all pregnant teenagers & women pregnant with special little angel retards; and of course no-one who’s pro-choice has or would ever give birth to a kid with Downs syndrome.

JadedDIssonance January 14, 2010 at 10:06 am

GAH. Teh Stoopid. So Big.

memzilla January 14, 2010 at 10:07 am

And for the chilluns, this is how 22 years of psychotherapy begins.

Whitey Did Katrina January 14, 2010 at 10:11 am







Thank you. Try the waitress and tip the ribs. You can do both at once if Rachel Zoe is your server!

Norbert January 14, 2010 at 10:17 am

Rubio/Tripp 2016

Cape Clod January 14, 2010 at 10:21 am

Was it also part of God’s plan that failing to win the Vice Presidency, Sarah would become a money grubbing, vacuous, attention whore?

Texan Bulldoggette January 14, 2010 at 10:22 am

Is it just me or does Trip/Trig (the one Snowbilly is holding!!) look an awful lot like Levi? Hmmm….

Prommie January 14, 2010 at 10:22 am

I has said it before, and I will say it again, with those rectangular glasses and that prominent schnozz of hers, that Sarah Palin is a dead ringer for Peggy Hill.

mumblyjoe January 14, 2010 at 10:23 am

[...]Bristol plopped down on the teenager’s bed and opened up[...]

Isn’t that what got her in this mess in the first place?

rocktonsammy January 14, 2010 at 10:26 am

From the picture, its hard to tell whose retarded or who went rouge.

Come here a minute January 14, 2010 at 10:26 am

I guess InTouch is not part of the troop-hatin’ media that made Sarah quit, with all their makin’ up stuff.

the problem child January 14, 2010 at 10:27 am

Bumpity-bumpity-bumpity-bump. Seriously delusional hair.

El Pinche January 14, 2010 at 10:27 am

That’s it. I’m sick of seeing the horse faced Palin trollops.
Why is America so in love with the stupid hill billies and their baby retards?

donner_froh January 14, 2010 at 10:28 am

The first time I saw a copy of “In Touch” I thought it was an attempted parody, a celebrity magazine suuposedly aimed at those who thought “People” had too many words. Which it is, just not a parody.

Radiotherapy January 14, 2010 at 10:29 am

[re=494470]V572625694[/re]: Can’t we try for a little voodoo humor?
Because, that cover is more messed up than the Port-au-Prince bus schedule.

Scaggsville guy January 14, 2010 at 10:29 am

Maybe I’m too much of a hater, but it seems like a white trash family if the mother and daughter are having babies at the same time.

Which is why I don’t think Sarah P really has a chance at being President. Uh-mur-i-kins will vote for a stupid guy like Bush if he comes from a rich family and had a Dad who was a President. But a stupid gal from the wrong side of Methville with all kinds of tacky family shit going on, I think that’s where they draw the line.

Mr Blifil January 14, 2010 at 10:29 am

Weekly Out of Touch.

Also January 14, 2010 at 10:30 am

Listening to Sarah I get an awful case of uncomfortableness. Also.

queeraselvis v 2.0 January 14, 2010 at 10:31 am

[re=494497]Prommie[/re]: That would make Trig Bobby Hill, amirite?

JMP January 14, 2010 at 10:32 am

[re=494497]Prommie[/re]: Except that Peggy Hill acts like a real human being, while Sarah acts like a cartoon character.

Mr Blifil January 14, 2010 at 10:32 am

[re=494502]El Pinche[/re]: America doesn’t love them, the sector that still buys magazines at the grocery store likes them. In Touch would have more readers if they printed all the articles on the surface of a colorfully branded tampon.

Chernobyl Soup January 14, 2010 at 10:33 am

Poor Charlie Sheen. He probably has a situation similar to mine. My wife and I very rarely argue. But when we do, the following exchange usually takes place:

Wife: Don’t be so mad at me.

Me: Well then don’t make me so mad.

See? Perfect, flawless response that should immediately lead to an end of the argument, apologies from the wife, and hot makeup sex.

But for some reason it never works that way. Women are weird.

Ducksworthy January 14, 2010 at 10:34 am

The apocalypse is clearly upon us. Let us all than Gawd that the anti-christ was born retarded. Should be an interesting decade what with the end of the world and all.

Radiotherapy January 14, 2010 at 10:35 am

[re=494502]El Pinche[/re]: Not that I’m worried about a shortage of American vapidity or stupidity, but I think Quit- and Kid- billy got trumped by Rachel Zoe, whoever the fuck that is!

El Pinche January 14, 2010 at 10:37 am

Even Palin’s quoted sub-text featured on a magazine looks awkward and dumb. Having a Down’d baby made me “more patient” mother?? You won’t be saying that when he’s drooling in your Frapuccino and publicly playing with his junk when he’s 12.

snoidoid January 14, 2010 at 10:37 am

[re=494502]El Pinche[/re]: Cuz they’re [i]funny[/i]! Just consider Skoalrebel!

snoidoid January 14, 2010 at 10:39 am

Oops. Clearly I need some education in coding for italics ‘n’ stuff.

102415 January 14, 2010 at 10:39 am

[re=494494]Cape Clod[/re]: Actually, yes it was, but she went ahead with one of those satan contracts and now we are stuck with her for awhile until Jesus comes back.

Lascauxcaveman January 14, 2010 at 10:41 am

I’ve had the sense that over the past year we’ve been saving our best vitriol for Sarah, and more or less being ‘nice’ to Bristol, understanding that she’s sorta young and not very smart, and inexperienced and a victim of horrible parenting, being merely an unfortunate and reluctant sideshow to her awful, awful mother’s media circus.

Is it OK to really hate her now?

Gopherit January 14, 2010 at 10:43 am

“Finding Love After Levi”??? Like that’s even possible.

Sparky McGruff January 14, 2010 at 10:44 am

I’m still kinda dissapointed that Sarah went to the wikipedia page for Down syndrome and decided to name her kid “Trisomy G”, instead of going to a 1940′s encyclopedia at the Wasilla Public Lib-arry and Animal Shelter. It would have been so much more amusing had she named him “Mong“.

SayItWithWookies January 14, 2010 at 10:47 am

[re=494517]El Pinche[/re]: Sarah’s not really a more patient mother, but that’s what it seems like to her. In reality, she’s finally got a kid who’s not bored with her after age two.

Gopherit January 14, 2010 at 10:47 am

I like the juxtaposition in that picture. Fresh-faced Bristol, with her unfortunate name, holding her son in a very natural pose. And Palin, looking like she can’t wait for someone to take that squalling retard away from her.

Sarah, just so you know? We at wonkette feel about you what you look like you feel about Trig.

petehammer January 14, 2010 at 10:48 am

[re=494522]Gopherit[/re]: It’s like going from prime rib to… weird brother of prime rib.

Paul Tardy January 14, 2010 at 10:49 am

If McCain was elected POTUS, that would have been the cover of Newsweek.

Radiotherapy January 14, 2010 at 10:51 am

[re=494524]Sparky McGruff[/re]: If he was a girl she could have named her Reta.

[re=494527]Gopherit[/re]: Head of the nail was struck squarely.

mumblyjoe January 14, 2010 at 10:51 am

[re=494524]Sparky McGruff[/re]: On the other hand, can you think of anything more Sara-esque than naming your Down’s baby “Down’s Syndrome”? Honestly, she might as we have named him “Tard” and been done with it.

Red Zeppelin January 14, 2010 at 10:52 am

[re=494467]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Yeah, Trig is not the dumbest person in that group.

Chernobyl Soup January 14, 2010 at 10:55 am

[re=494518]snoidoid[/re]: try instead of [ ].

stew January 14, 2010 at 10:58 am

Trip and Trig–just sort of rolls off the tounge. Kinda like the name of a new coctail.

Sparky McGruff January 14, 2010 at 11:02 am

[re=494527]Gopherit[/re]: It is amazing how the “low-functioning” political whore Sarah Palin gets so damn much press. The news orgs were tripping all over their dicks to tell us how HUGE the ratings were for her Bill O’Really’s show were when she was on — almost FOUR MILLION people tuned in! Huge for cable news!

But, to keep that in perspective, that’s lower ratings than the previous week’s Spongebob marathon on Nick. Then again, Spongebob has intelligent conversations.

Teeny January 14, 2010 at 11:02 am

Between the bumpits in their hair, the skin tight jeans and that giant belt Bristol is wearing, it looks like they were both styled by Peggy Bundy.

Flanders January 14, 2010 at 11:09 am

[re=494504]Radiotherapy[/re]: Too soon.

Chernobyl Soup January 14, 2010 at 11:10 am

[re=494540]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: Fail. I meant. > and <.

ella January 14, 2010 at 11:16 am

And they were paid how much for that “exclusive”?

Radiotherapy January 14, 2010 at 11:17 am

[re=494557]Flanders[/re]: Yeah, maybe, but Palin is, and always will be, a crass simpleton.

Holy Cow!! January 14, 2010 at 11:18 am

It’s time we brought back eugenics.

AnnieGetYourFun January 14, 2010 at 11:34 am

Can I be on the cover, holding nothing, announcing that I am glad that I chose choice?

Cute babies, though. Too bad that they are both going to grow up to be pretty much as independent as they are right now.

coolcatdaddy January 14, 2010 at 11:53 am

That headline could also read “WE’RE TOO STUPID TO USE BIRTH CONTROL!”

hedgehog January 14, 2010 at 11:57 am

For God’s sake, someone get Rachel Zoe a sandwich.

Les Fillin January 14, 2010 at 11:59 am

“Sarah vs. Bristol: Which is MILF-ier?”

Extemporanus January 14, 2010 at 12:03 pm

Worst. Mirror. Evar.

Long Form Def Certificate January 14, 2010 at 12:15 pm

[re=494529]Paul Tardy[/re]: It could still be. Considering the play Johnny WALNUTS! has been getting on Meet the Press, This Week, Face the Nation, etc., you’d think he were at least Senate Minority Leader, if not, in fact, November ’08′s Prexy winner. & Obama in the White House? WALLY’S just being magnanimous & letting those Negro Dialect freeloaders have the space since they have nowhere else to go. Plus, WH is a lot worse than any of the 10 (!) homes of Cindy Mc Cain.

Crank Tango January 14, 2010 at 12:39 pm

[re=494528]petehammer[/re]: 12 points for AD reference.

[re=494527]Gopherit[/re]: In a family with kids named after trees, tracks, and math classes, Bristol, taken from what is probably a lovely Alaskan bay, is an unfortunate name?

schvitzatura January 14, 2010 at 12:46 pm


Trig: Will reprise the Paul Larsson role (Blaster) in the 2038 remake of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome

Will accept MTV Movie Award, in honor of his mum.

S.Luggo January 14, 2010 at 12:59 pm

Why did “In Touch” use a blue screen for the cover-shot? Were the editors going to insert a background picture of the death & devestation in Port au Prince and then just fucking pussied out?

There. I combined Palin with the Haitian disaster and kept it all in good taste. You’re welcome.

sezme January 14, 2010 at 1:12 pm

Plopped down? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

nightshift January 14, 2010 at 1:12 pm

In Touch should change its name to “Babies for Jeebus Weekly”

Extemporanus January 14, 2010 at 1:23 pm

[re=494703]S.Luggo[/re]: That ad for Two and a Half Men on the right is pretty good, though.

Hooray For Anything January 14, 2010 at 1:37 pm

The nerve of some people constantly mocking Sarah Palin and making fun of her retarded kid. Can’t you people leave poor Trig and Bristol alone and let them have some measure of privacy? It’s like every time Sarah comes out holding the kid and talking about how awesome she is for not aborting the baby, everybody snarks on her. And then she does it again and more people make fun of her. And then she does it again and again and again and again and again and everytime she does, people hate on her.

Sheeesh. It’s not like she’s using the kid as a prop, she’s just being a loving, devoted mother who loves her baby so much that she can’t dare to part with him and can’t even feign to not bring him with her when she’s hopping on stage at a publicity even in front of hundreds of people

Sharkey January 14, 2010 at 2:07 pm

Can’t you people leave poor Trig and Bristol alone and let them have some measure of privacy?

All of them.

lawrenceofthedesert January 14, 2010 at 2:22 pm

Gee, either Bristol Palin or Angelina Jolie for only $2.99, it says. But they’re already in messy relationships with children, actresses are never who you think they are, pol’s kids are spoiled rotten — how about I just give you the three bucks and we call it even? (Do I get fries with that?)

Hooray For Anything January 14, 2010 at 2:29 pm

[re=494791]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: Just imagine what would happen if having Down Syndrome babies become really hip and trendy. Just think how many retarded kids Madonna and Angelina will try and adopt? They might not even have to go to Africa to find adoptable babies

desertwind January 14, 2010 at 2:54 pm

Sarah looks so crazeee there. Look at her eyes!


PsycGirl January 14, 2010 at 3:11 pm

Oh, yeah, like there was an alternative cover possibility “We are so sorry we chose life! If we had a do-over, we’d head straight to the clinic!”

(snark off) I have a kid with Down Syndrome and I love him. But I hate it when people like Sarah make it sound like you’ve given birth to the perfect family pet,it’s all good, and everyone should have one. When Trig is seven and you have to keep every exterior door locked so he doesn’t run into traffic, let’s see how great it is.
(snark on again).

Tourettesorist January 14, 2010 at 3:15 pm

What kind of diet is Rachel Zoe on? Diet Coke and Cigarettes?

Jim89048 January 14, 2010 at 3:22 pm

Has Angelina adopted Haiti yet?

Mr Blifil January 14, 2010 at 3:28 pm

[re=494721]sezme[/re]: “Plopped down.” It means they are hangin’ around the house, chillin’ in they crib. Nowhere to go, nothing to do, plenty of spendin’ money to order takeout and call in sitters when they need “a break.” Time and money are not worries. Which brings me to my point.

She got a book advance, yes. She made some speaking engagements happen, yes. She works for a cable network now, yes. But am I wrong or is there at least a brief period where her income is unaccounted for? Anyway, I look forward to her next profile in journamalism, focusing on hard working non-elites who love the troops, and want Alaska to secede from the union because of the immigrants.

foulmouthed mrscreant January 14, 2010 at 3:47 pm

[re=494496]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I’d like to see the whole damn family take a DNA test. Somethin’ tells me somethin’s goin’ on. Jus sayin’.

queeraselvis v 2.0 January 14, 2010 at 3:55 pm

[re=494854]Tourettesorist[/re]: Is there any other kind?

cybervoyeur January 14, 2010 at 3:59 pm

“Choosy mothers choose Jif”

foulmouthed mrscreant January 14, 2010 at 4:00 pm

Well now, $arah likes SOME tabloids but she won’t like this one…
Having good family values might work better if you’re actually at home with your family and not traipsing around the US being a hateful bitch. And fuck you, John McCain.

ShiningMathPath January 14, 2010 at 6:37 pm

[re=494470]V572625694[/re]: Came across this line on Zoe from the Daily Mail: “The 38-year-old showed off her shrunken frame, exposing her bony breastplace in a black bikini top on a beach in St. Barts last week”.

“breastplace” sounds so sad — like that’s where they would have lived if they hadn’t run away from home.

Of course I look up that word, and among the 7000 hits on Google is this from nydailynews.com:

“It’s not the breast place to find a bat: A British teen found the winged mammal lodged in her cleavage some five hours after getting dressed and feeling something strange. “I felt a slight vibration,” said Abbie Hawkins, 19, of Norwich, England. “But I thought it was just my mobile phone in my jacket pocket.” The hotel receptionist stuck her hand into her size 34FF bra – and out popped the bat. “That shocked me very much at the time, but it scuttled off under the desk into the dark,” she told the BBC. … “I felt quite sorry for it,” she added. “Perhaps I should have left it there and given it a good home.” http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2008/07/09/2008-07-09_its_not_the_breast_place_to_find_a_bat.html

Yay, a happy breastplace!

[end Haiti and work diversion]

Boondock Saint January 14, 2010 at 9:30 pm

Cum dumpsters. Aren’t both of Todd’s kids cute?

TheJackSack January 15, 2010 at 12:28 am

Is it possible to blow up a magazine, thereby destroying all who inhabit its contents? I mean, I’ve tried making love to magazines with a similar theory in mind…

Darkness January 15, 2010 at 4:09 am

[re=494478]Jim Demintia[/re]: You know what really pisses me off, is Aged McWalnuts has most likely already forgotten who she is.

Darkness January 15, 2010 at 4:16 am

[re=494532]mumblyjoe[/re]: Realizing the kid was named Tri-G made me wonder if she isn’t just some out of control performance art routine. But I often think that about republicans. Let’s me sleep at night.

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