It’s so great that Charlie Sheen is finally getting a platform of his own, you guys! Let’s see, what else…

If this is somehow the work of Bristol Palin’s new acronymic public relations kollective, perhaps everyone underestimated you, Bristol Palin, although they’d almost certain have had to.

“In an exclusive interview at the family’s home in Alaska on January 10, Sarah and Bristol plopped down on the teenager’s bed and opened up about the joys and challenges of raising Tripp and Trig.”

It is weird to think that like three years ago 1/3 of the words in that sentence did not even exist! And it is weirder to think that even now, in many important ways, they still don’t. [In Touch]

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  1. OMG. Mothers! Like no one has ever given birth before or anything…

    I still deeply suspect that the Downs Syndrome kid is way smarter than his mother.

  2. Who’s Rachel Zoe, and why doesn’t she have a proper last name in addition to her scary diet. Thanks, our Wonkett who makes fun of everything, for leading us down the tabloid path.

    Granted, the Haitian disaster is pretty snark-proof.

  3. Angelina and the Palins could have a contest to see who can give their kids the stupidest names.

    Also: who the fuck is Rachel Zoe, and why should we care?

  4. Regarding the quote on the cover, I’m sure there are plenty of other women who wouldn’t appreciate it if that choice was taken away from them.

  5. Future headlines on the cover of “In Touch Weekly” in the year 2030:



    My words, mark them.

  6. Sarah just learned to be a more patient mother after the birth of Trig? What did she do before, just lay around and yell at the other kids to go to get her something from Taco Bell? Oh, wait…

  7. Main photo attempting to celebrate the choice of life, sidebar demonstrating the selfish abuse of said life. This cover IS The Singularity. It will collapse under the weight of its own irony and pull every item in the entire supermarket in on itself forming the newest, most vacuous, black hole yet known to the Universe.

  8. Sarah reminds me so much of my own grandmother — old and biggoted and with too much make up. But then, I’m not a bastard like little Tripp.

  9. [re=494465]MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend[/re]: No, no; the pro-choice movement wants to force abortions on all pregnant teenagers & women pregnant with special little angel retards; and of course no-one who’s pro-choice has or would ever give birth to a kid with Downs syndrome.

  10. [re=494487]JMP[/re]:






    Thank you. Try the waitress and tip the ribs. You can do both at once if Rachel Zoe is your server!

  11. I has said it before, and I will say it again, with those rectangular glasses and that prominent schnozz of hers, that Sarah Palin is a dead ringer for Peggy Hill.

  12. The first time I saw a copy of “In Touch” I thought it was an attempted parody, a celebrity magazine suuposedly aimed at those who thought “People” had too many words. Which it is, just not a parody.

  13. Maybe I’m too much of a hater, but it seems like a white trash family if the mother and daughter are having babies at the same time.

    Which is why I don’t think Sarah P really has a chance at being President. Uh-mur-i-kins will vote for a stupid guy like Bush if he comes from a rich family and had a Dad who was a President. But a stupid gal from the wrong side of Methville with all kinds of tacky family shit going on, I think that’s where they draw the line.

  14. [re=494502]El Pinche[/re]: America doesn’t love them, the sector that still buys magazines at the grocery store likes them. In Touch would have more readers if they printed all the articles on the surface of a colorfully branded tampon.

  15. Poor Charlie Sheen. He probably has a situation similar to mine. My wife and I very rarely argue. But when we do, the following exchange usually takes place:

    Wife: Don’t be so mad at me.

    Me: Well then don’t make me so mad.

    See? Perfect, flawless response that should immediately lead to an end of the argument, apologies from the wife, and hot makeup sex.

    But for some reason it never works that way. Women are weird.

  16. The apocalypse is clearly upon us. Let us all than Gawd that the anti-christ was born retarded. Should be an interesting decade what with the end of the world and all.

  17. [re=494502]El Pinche[/re]: Not that I’m worried about a shortage of American vapidity or stupidity, but I think Quit- and Kid- billy got trumped by Rachel Zoe, whoever the fuck that is!

  18. Even Palin’s quoted sub-text featured on a magazine looks awkward and dumb. Having a Down’d baby made me “more patient” mother?? You won’t be saying that when he’s drooling in your Frapuccino and publicly playing with his junk when he’s 12.

  19. [re=494494]Cape Clod[/re]: Actually, yes it was, but she went ahead with one of those satan contracts and now we are stuck with her for awhile until Jesus comes back.

  20. I’ve had the sense that over the past year we’ve been saving our best vitriol for Sarah, and more or less being ‘nice’ to Bristol, understanding that she’s sorta young and not very smart, and inexperienced and a victim of horrible parenting, being merely an unfortunate and reluctant sideshow to her awful, awful mother’s media circus.

    Is it OK to really hate her now?

  21. [re=494517]El Pinche[/re]: Sarah’s not really a more patient mother, but that’s what it seems like to her. In reality, she’s finally got a kid who’s not bored with her after age two.

  22. I like the juxtaposition in that picture. Fresh-faced Bristol, with her unfortunate name, holding her son in a very natural pose. And Palin, looking like she can’t wait for someone to take that squalling retard away from her.

    Sarah, just so you know? We at wonkette feel about you what you look like you feel about Trig.

  23. [re=494524]Sparky McGruff[/re]: On the other hand, can you think of anything more Sara-esque than naming your Down’s baby “Down’s Syndrome”? Honestly, she might as we have named him “Tard” and been done with it.

  24. [re=494527]Gopherit[/re]: It is amazing how the “low-functioning” political whore Sarah Palin gets so damn much press. The news orgs were tripping all over their dicks to tell us how HUGE the ratings were for her Bill O’Really’s show were when she was on — almost FOUR MILLION people tuned in! Huge for cable news!

    But, to keep that in perspective, that’s lower ratings than the previous week’s Spongebob marathon on Nick. Then again, Spongebob has intelligent conversations.

  25. Can I be on the cover, holding nothing, announcing that I am glad that I chose choice?

    Cute babies, though. Too bad that they are both going to grow up to be pretty much as independent as they are right now.

  26. [re=494529]Paul Tardy[/re]: It could still be. Considering the play Johnny WALNUTS! has been getting on Meet the Press, This Week, Face the Nation, etc., you’d think he were at least Senate Minority Leader, if not, in fact, November ’08’s Prexy winner. & Obama in the White House? WALLY’S just being magnanimous & letting those Negro Dialect freeloaders have the space since they have nowhere else to go. Plus, WH is a lot worse than any of the 10 (!) homes of Cindy Mc Cain.

  27. [re=494528]petehammer[/re]: 12 points for AD reference.

    [re=494527]Gopherit[/re]: In a family with kids named after trees, tracks, and math classes, Bristol, taken from what is probably a lovely Alaskan bay, is an unfortunate name?

  28. Predictions

    Trig: Will reprise the Paul Larsson role (Blaster) in the 2038 remake of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome

    Will accept MTV Movie Award, in honor of his mum.

  29. Why did “In Touch” use a blue screen for the cover-shot? Were the editors going to insert a background picture of the death & devestation in Port au Prince and then just fucking pussied out?

    There. I combined Palin with the Haitian disaster and kept it all in good taste. You’re welcome.

  30. The nerve of some people constantly mocking Sarah Palin and making fun of her retarded kid. Can’t you people leave poor Trig and Bristol alone and let them have some measure of privacy? It’s like every time Sarah comes out holding the kid and talking about how awesome she is for not aborting the baby, everybody snarks on her. And then she does it again and more people make fun of her. And then she does it again and again and again and again and again and everytime she does, people hate on her.

    Sheeesh. It’s not like she’s using the kid as a prop, she’s just being a loving, devoted mother who loves her baby so much that she can’t dare to part with him and can’t even feign to not bring him with her when she’s hopping on stage at a publicity even in front of hundreds of people

  31. Gee, either Bristol Palin or Angelina Jolie for only $2.99, it says. But they’re already in messy relationships with children, actresses are never who you think they are, pol’s kids are spoiled rotten — how about I just give you the three bucks and we call it even? (Do I get fries with that?)

  32. [re=494791]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: Just imagine what would happen if having Down Syndrome babies become really hip and trendy. Just think how many retarded kids Madonna and Angelina will try and adopt? They might not even have to go to Africa to find adoptable babies

  33. Oh, yeah, like there was an alternative cover possibility “We are so sorry we chose life! If we had a do-over, we’d head straight to the clinic!”

    (snark off) I have a kid with Down Syndrome and I love him. But I hate it when people like Sarah make it sound like you’ve given birth to the perfect family pet,it’s all good, and everyone should have one. When Trig is seven and you have to keep every exterior door locked so he doesn’t run into traffic, let’s see how great it is.
    (snark on again).

  34. [re=494721]sezme[/re]: “Plopped down.” It means they are hangin’ around the house, chillin’ in they crib. Nowhere to go, nothing to do, plenty of spendin’ money to order takeout and call in sitters when they need “a break.” Time and money are not worries. Which brings me to my point.

    She got a book advance, yes. She made some speaking engagements happen, yes. She works for a cable network now, yes. But am I wrong or is there at least a brief period where her income is unaccounted for? Anyway, I look forward to her next profile in journamalism, focusing on hard working non-elites who love the troops, and want Alaska to secede from the union because of the immigrants.

  35. [re=494496]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I’d like to see the whole damn family take a DNA test. Somethin’ tells me somethin’s goin’ on. Jus sayin’.

  36. [re=494470]V572625694[/re]: Came across this line on Zoe from the Daily Mail: “The 38-year-old showed off her shrunken frame, exposing her bony breastplace in a black bikini top on a beach in St. Barts last week”.

    “breastplace” sounds so sad — like that’s where they would have lived if they hadn’t run away from home.

    Of course I look up that word, and among the 7000 hits on Google is this from

    “It’s not the breast place to find a bat: A British teen found the winged mammal lodged in her cleavage some five hours after getting dressed and feeling something strange. “I felt a slight vibration,” said Abbie Hawkins, 19, of Norwich, England. “But I thought it was just my mobile phone in my jacket pocket.” The hotel receptionist stuck her hand into her size 34FF bra – and out popped the bat. “That shocked me very much at the time, but it scuttled off under the desk into the dark,” she told the BBC. … “I felt quite sorry for it,” she added. “Perhaps I should have left it there and given it a good home.”

    Yay, a happy breastplace!

    [end Haiti and work diversion]

  37. Is it possible to blow up a magazine, thereby destroying all who inhabit its contents? I mean, I’ve tried making love to magazines with a similar theory in mind…

  38. [re=494532]mumblyjoe[/re]: Realizing the kid was named Tri-G made me wonder if she isn’t just some out of control performance art routine. But I often think that about republicans. Let’s me sleep at night.

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