NOT THE BAND  4:13 pm January 12, 2010

Obama, Interpol Locking White People In Secret New York Vault

by Jim Newell

One of Washington’s most well-sourced reporters, Michael Isikoff, is finally starting to cover the important things: “Now Norris, famed for his expertise in the martial arts, attacks from a different direction. In a new column on World Net Daily, the right-wing Web site, he claims that Obama signed the executive order so that he can slyly, without anyone noticing, create a ‘secret vault’ at Interpol’s New York office to conceal important records about the war on terror from the American public.” Hooray! Obviously the American public can’t handle information, so he might as well. [Newsweek]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


hedgehog January 12, 2010 at 4:16 pm

Secret vault?! Where’s Geraldo when we need him?

Cape Clod January 12, 2010 at 4:18 pm

Norris will be singing a different tune when Interpol apprehends that notorious escaper, Bat Boy.

El Pinche January 12, 2010 at 4:20 pm

Ailes, Murdoch, Cheney, and Kraut as Bernie in “Weekend at Bernies 3: Fun with Bernies Dead Dick ” Rated XXX for necrophelia, extreme scat munching scenes and golden showers.

ManchuCandidate January 12, 2010 at 4:20 pm

Hey, Chuck! Some Muslin (has to be right?) asshole is stealing your WND password to publish jibberish that makes you look like a punch drunk fantasy filled moran.

Hooray For Anything January 12, 2010 at 4:21 pm

Wait, so now Conservatives are worried about someone in the White House using executive privilege to keep records secret?

El Pinche January 12, 2010 at 4:22 pm

[re=493423]El Pinche[/re]: Fail. Wrong thread.

Jim Demintia January 12, 2010 at 4:22 pm

It’s just like National Treasure! So that means democracy is what will be locked in the vault, so that Nicholas Cage and John Voight can fight some limey villain for it later.

queeraselvis v 2.0 January 12, 2010 at 4:24 pm

I think dear Chuckie has watched National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets one too many times, and now thinks it’s a documentary.

S.Luggo January 12, 2010 at 4:25 pm

The secret vault is in Beck’s colon.
Happy hunting to both of you.

Sharkey January 12, 2010 at 4:26 pm

Baby Fark McGeezax is going to need a better hiding place.

queeraselvis v 2.0 January 12, 2010 at 4:26 pm

[re=493427]Jim Demintia[/re]: *hat tip*

Historysnuff January 12, 2010 at 4:27 pm

Chuck is rockin. Looks like Ray Manzarek pounding out Light My Fire.

bfstevie January 12, 2010 at 4:27 pm

Chuck’s buddy, Mike Huckabee, is safe–unless it’s a really big vault.

Extemporanus January 12, 2010 at 4:28 pm

[re=493426]El Pinche[/re]: Are you trying to use this thread to slyly, without anyone noticing, conceal important comments about the war on porn from the American public?

Snarkalicious January 12, 2010 at 4:29 pm

[re=493426]El Pinche[/re]: Really? I thought you and Newell were liveblogging Glenn Beck’s DVD collection for a second there.

bored with gravity January 12, 2010 at 4:32 pm

[re=493426]El Pinche[/re]: Nah. Just another starring vehicle for Chuck.

Radiotherapy January 12, 2010 at 4:34 pm

Hey Chuck, why don’t you just take your ass-kicking karate skills, go to Pakistan, or wherever those tearist tactics lurk, and give them a little taste of Texas. Make it like a reality show too. Or is it, “I’m not a tough guy, but I played one on TV”.

JMP January 12, 2010 at 4:36 pm

Is it merely a coincidence that Chuck Norris starred with Bruce Lee in the last full film made before he died? Is it merely coincidental that the man who spread Texan propaganda in “Walker, Texas Ranger”, has recently advocated for the secession of Texas? Is it a coincidence that he was the most prominent supporter of the most batshit insane legitimate candidate for the Republican nomination in 2008? Is it merely coincidental that this secessionist is a self-proclaimed martial arts expert who believes he could take on the entire US military single-handed?

Lionel Hutz Esq. January 12, 2010 at 4:36 pm

Clearly, if there is a super secret vault, it is full of birth certificates.

Extemporanus January 12, 2010 at 4:40 pm

Interpol just released a statement:

“Eetz not our vault!”

SayItWithWookies January 12, 2010 at 4:41 pm

If crazy were an amplifier, Chuck Norris’ would start at eleven. It just goes to show that working in terrible action movies is not the ideal stepping stone for real policy analysis. But I guess you go to the culture wars with the soldiers you have, not with the ones you’d like to have.

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO January 12, 2010 at 4:49 pm

Why couldn’t we have kept Bruce Lee instead?

FlownOver January 12, 2010 at 4:52 pm

Anyone got contact info for that NFL brain damage study? We got ourselves a jen-you-wine control subject here!

scribethis January 12, 2010 at 5:00 pm

[re=493449]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Life is always good when you can work in Spinal Tap reference.

lochnessmonster January 12, 2010 at 5:01 pm

Chuck Norris can stare that vault open and get those sly secrets onto the interweb for all to see.

Gopherit January 12, 2010 at 5:07 pm

Norris is an idiot. It’s quite obviously the first FEMA camp.

comicbookguy January 12, 2010 at 5:12 pm

[re=493445]JMP[/re]: Bruce Lee dies, Texas becomes president. Why couldn’t it be the other way around?

Lascauxcaveman January 12, 2010 at 5:27 pm

“Obama’s Secret Vault”? Meh. If it were Michelle Obama’s secret vault we were talking about, I’d be more interested.

Oldskool January 12, 2010 at 5:31 pm

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

bored with gravity January 12, 2010 at 5:37 pm

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn’t lift himself up. He pushes the world down.

Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down.

So, in conclusion, he will find that vault. Or, the vault will reveal itself to Chuck.

proudgrampa January 12, 2010 at 5:41 pm


Humpback January 12, 2010 at 5:48 pm

Is it merely coincidence that an entertainer most known for martial arts moves fights the well-spoken president using only words? Is it? C,mon people, this isn’t rhetorical, I’m really confused.

El Pinche January 12, 2010 at 6:05 pm

I shook Chuck Norris’ hand when I was a kid, and he nearly broke it. I’m not sure that that karate retard was trying to prove to a 18 yr old boy.

Yeah yeah yeah, he probably wanted to lick my taint. I know.

El Pinche January 12, 2010 at 6:07 pm

[re=493437]Snarkalicious[/re]: Necroscatology..that’s kids stuff compared to what’s in Glenn Beck’s secret filth vault.

dr.giraud January 12, 2010 at 6:53 pm

It’s just like Chuck Norris to punch out Keyboard Cat and take his gig. Prick.

thesheriffisnear January 12, 2010 at 7:04 pm

Well why don’t you get some of your Delta Force buddies and bust ‘em out? It would be a Tropic Thunder meets Space Cowboys kinda thing…NGUYEN!!!

Native of SL UT January 12, 2010 at 7:57 pm

Chuck Norris is so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head, which he has done too many times I see.

Guppy06 January 12, 2010 at 8:49 pm

Y’know, so long as it’s a secret vault in New York for documents, rather than a secret prison in Algeria for Mulsins, I think I can sleep at night.

Veritas78 January 12, 2010 at 9:17 pm

First, they came for Chuck Norris and I did nothing, because finally they were doing the right thing.

Atlas Spanked January 12, 2010 at 9:25 pm

Michelle Yeoh could soooo kick is ass.

lawrenceofthedesert January 12, 2010 at 10:21 pm

It’s almost shocking that Isikoff felt the need to rebut Chuck. Is Newsweek planning a Flat Earth issue? Will they be analyzing Ted Nugent’s foreign policy recommendations? Shooting famous fish in a barrel doesn’t make it a more challenging sport.

chascates January 12, 2010 at 10:36 pm

HEY KIDS! Get your very own poster of Chuck Norris’ Code of Ethics!

24X36 Poster
$10.95 +
$6 Shipping & Handling

$110.95 +
$6 Shipping & Handling

Zorg January 12, 2010 at 11:52 pm

This is going to make the sale of “Chuck Norris Is My Bitch” bumper stickers soar like it’s never soared before!

MFAWG January 13, 2010 at 12:58 am


Norris is the real deal, a legit fighter who reigned supreme 30 years ago.

That would make punch drunk moron more apropos…

Radiotherapy January 13, 2010 at 1:59 am


Another Chuck Norris fact: If Chuckie TV TaiChi Fuck actually had to go to NW Pakistan, he would be crying for his mama.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: