not the band

Obama, Interpol Locking White People In Secret New York Vault

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

One of Washington’s most well-sourced reporters, Michael Isikoff, is finally starting to cover the important things: “Now Norris, famed for his expertise in the martial arts, attacks from a different direction. In a new column on World Net Daily, the right-wing Web site, he claims that Obama signed the executive order so that he can slyly, without anyone noticing, create a ‘secret vault’ at Interpol’s New York office to conceal important records about the war on terror from the American public.” Hooray! Obviously the American public can’t handle information, so he might as well. [Newsweek]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • hedgehog

    Secret vault?! Where’s Geraldo when we need him?

  • Cape Clod

    Norris will be singing a different tune when Interpol apprehends that notorious escaper, Bat Boy.

  • El Pinche

    Ailes, Murdoch, Cheney, and Kraut as Bernie in “Weekend at Bernies 3: Fun with Bernies Dead Dick ” Rated XXX for necrophelia, extreme scat munching scenes and golden showers.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Hey, Chuck! Some Muslin (has to be right?) asshole is stealing your WND password to publish jibberish that makes you look like a punch drunk fantasy filled moran.

  • Hooray For Anything

    Wait, so now Conservatives are worried about someone in the White House using executive privilege to keep records secret?

  • El Pinche

    [re=493423]El Pinche[/re]: Fail. Wrong thread.

  • Jim Demintia

    It’s just like National Treasure! So that means democracy is what will be locked in the vault, so that Nicholas Cage and John Voight can fight some limey villain for it later.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    I think dear Chuckie has watched National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets one too many times, and now thinks it’s a documentary.

  • S.Luggo

    The secret vault is in Beck’s colon.
    Happy hunting to both of you.

  • Sharkey

    Baby Fark McGeezax is going to need a better hiding place.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=493427]Jim Demintia[/re]: *hat tip*

  • Historysnuff

    Chuck is rockin. Looks like Ray Manzarek pounding out Light My Fire.

  • bfstevie

    Chuck’s buddy, Mike Huckabee, is safe–unless it’s a really big vault.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=493426]El Pinche[/re]: Are you trying to use this thread to slyly, without anyone noticing, conceal important comments about the war on porn from the American public?

  • Snarkalicious

    [re=493426]El Pinche[/re]: Really? I thought you and Newell were liveblogging Glenn Beck’s DVD collection for a second there.

  • bored with gravity

    [re=493426]El Pinche[/re]: Nah. Just another starring vehicle for Chuck.

  • Radiotherapy

    Hey Chuck, why don’t you just take your ass-kicking karate skills, go to Pakistan, or wherever those tearist tactics lurk, and give them a little taste of Texas. Make it like a reality show too. Or is it, “I’m not a tough guy, but I played one on TV”.

  • JMP

    Is it merely a coincidence that Chuck Norris starred with Bruce Lee in the last full film made before he died? Is it merely coincidental that the man who spread Texan propaganda in “Walker, Texas Ranger”, has recently advocated for the secession of Texas? Is it a coincidence that he was the most prominent supporter of the most batshit insane legitimate candidate for the Republican nomination in 2008? Is it merely coincidental that this secessionist is a self-proclaimed martial arts expert who believes he could take on the entire US military single-handed?

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Clearly, if there is a super secret vault, it is full of birth certificates.

  • Extemporanus

    Interpol just released a statement:

    “Eetz not our vault!”

  • SayItWithWookies

    If crazy were an amplifier, Chuck Norris’ would start at eleven. It just goes to show that working in terrible action movies is not the ideal stepping stone for real policy analysis. But I guess you go to the culture wars with the soldiers you have, not with the ones you’d like to have.


    Why couldn’t we have kept Bruce Lee instead?

  • FlownOver

    Anyone got contact info for that NFL brain damage study? We got ourselves a jen-you-wine control subject here!

  • scribethis

    [re=493449]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Life is always good when you can work in Spinal Tap reference.

  • lochnessmonster

    Chuck Norris can stare that vault open and get those sly secrets onto the interweb for all to see.

  • Gopherit

    Norris is an idiot. It’s quite obviously the first FEMA camp.

  • comicbookguy

    [re=493445]JMP[/re]: Bruce Lee dies, Texas becomes president. Why couldn’t it be the other way around?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    “Obama’s Secret Vault”? Meh. If it were Michelle Obama’s secret vault we were talking about, I’d be more interested.

  • Oldskool

    Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

  • bored with gravity

    When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

    When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn’t lift himself up. He pushes the world down.

    Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever.

    If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down.

    So, in conclusion, he will find that vault. Or, the vault will reveal itself to Chuck.

  • proudgrampa


  • Humpback

    Is it merely coincidence that an entertainer most known for martial arts moves fights the well-spoken president using only words? Is it? C,mon people, this isn’t rhetorical, I’m really confused.

  • El Pinche

    I shook Chuck Norris’ hand when I was a kid, and he nearly broke it. I’m not sure that that karate retard was trying to prove to a 18 yr old boy.

    Yeah yeah yeah, he probably wanted to lick my taint. I know.

  • El Pinche

    [re=493437]Snarkalicious[/re]: Necroscatology..that’s kids stuff compared to what’s in Glenn Beck’s secret filth vault.

  • dr.giraud

    It’s just like Chuck Norris to punch out Keyboard Cat and take his gig. Prick.

  • thesheriffisnear

    Well why don’t you get some of your Delta Force buddies and bust ’em out? It would be a Tropic Thunder meets Space Cowboys kinda thing…NGUYEN!!!

  • Native of SL UT

    Chuck Norris is so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head, which he has done too many times I see.

  • Guppy06

    Y’know, so long as it’s a secret vault in New York for documents, rather than a secret prison in Algeria for Mulsins, I think I can sleep at night.

  • Veritas78

    First, they came for Chuck Norris and I did nothing, because finally they were doing the right thing.

  • Atlas Spanked

    Michelle Yeoh could soooo kick is ass.

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    It’s almost shocking that Isikoff felt the need to rebut Chuck. Is Newsweek planning a Flat Earth issue? Will they be analyzing Ted Nugent’s foreign policy recommendations? Shooting famous fish in a barrel doesn’t make it a more challenging sport.

  • chascates

    HEY KIDS! Get your very own poster of Chuck Norris’ Code of Ethics!

    24X36 Poster
    $10.95 +
    $6 Shipping & Handling

    $110.95 +
    $6 Shipping & Handling

  • Zorg

    This is going to make the sale of “Chuck Norris Is My Bitch” bumper stickers soar like it’s never soared before!



    Norris is the real deal, a legit fighter who reigned supreme 30 years ago.

    That would make punch drunk moron more apropos…

  • Radiotherapy


    Another Chuck Norris fact: If Chuckie TV TaiChi Fuck actually had to go to NW Pakistan, he would be crying for his mama.