DAILY BRIEFING  8:45 am January 12, 2010

Everyone Do Some Celebratory ‘Stoner Culture Thing’ In Honor Of New Jersey!

by Juli Weiner

  • Medical marijuana is now legal in the nearby state of New Jersey! This is a thing MTV orchestrated, for its popular Jersey Shore documentary series. [New York Times]
  • Miep Gies, the very nice Dutch lady who hid Anne Frank and her family from the cast of Jersey Shore, has died at 100. [Washington Post]
  • Today is the funeral for Joe Biden’s mother in Joe Biden’s Delaware. [CNN]
  • More birds than ever are dangerously crashing into airplanes. Someone put birds on the No Fly list. [AP]
  • Human-steroid hybrid Mark McGwire admitted that he took illegal drugs that helped him hit more baseballs with a baseball bat. [Wall Street Journal]
  • The chocolate-covered Corporates at Cadbury are trying their very best to avoid being purchased, unwrapped and left to melt by Kraft. [Reuters]
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Hola wonkerados.

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ManchuCandidate January 12, 2010 at 8:51 am

I prefer my chocolate to come from slightly less douchey companies.

Besides what real synergy will Kraft, the maker of all things Cheezi, do to Cadbury?

darbyogill January 12, 2010 at 8:53 am

Mark McGwire also felt the need to go public with the news that the sun rises in the east.

Manchu, Kraft is going to change the yellow part of the Cadbury cream egg to CheezWhiz. The white part will still be the same, don’t worry. Synergy!

rambone January 12, 2010 at 8:56 am

You mean Miep Gies was her real name? I always thought it was just a pseudonym, derived from the Road Runner cartoons, intended to protect her from Mel Gibson.

ManchuCandidate January 12, 2010 at 9:02 am

I think I just vomited in my mouth… A lot.

bitchincamaro January 12, 2010 at 9:06 am

Death, drugs, and corporate takeover. Morning in Wonkette.

Terry January 12, 2010 at 9:08 am

Oooh, I was at the movies this week and saw an ad for one of those streamed to theater events. Bill O’Reilly will be debating Glen Beck and people are going to pay to sit in the movie theater and see it. Really. What will these two differ on? Whether it is better to yell or cry when making an irrational point on TV? Apparently, it’s a simulcast of their “Bold and Fresh 2010″ tour.

Sparky McGruff January 12, 2010 at 9:09 am

Is Neil Kinnock speaking at Joe Biden’s mother’s funeral?

weejee January 12, 2010 at 9:19 am

Mark McGwire said “Steroids or HGH didn’t give me the strong mind that I had…” Wuz ‘dat? Teh ‘roids didn’t give Mark the raging blazing intellect that’s his rep? Musta’ been sumptin’ else that six-packed his brain. Maybe twas a six pack on the brain?

Monsieur Grumpe January 12, 2010 at 9:20 am

Someone is always trying out new ways to cook chicken. Apparently, some are less dangerous than others.

Katydid January 12, 2010 at 9:21 am

My mom lives in NJ, and she has glaucoma. It might take me awhile to convince her she’ll go blind without weed, but I think I can do it. ::sigh:: I love her so.

Larry McAwful January 12, 2010 at 9:24 am

Screw this business about athleticism. I want to see professional athletes take steroids. Make it legal! Then we can have truly impressive feats of sportitude, with science.

Think about it: Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle were good, but just imagine how mind-blowingly fantastic their performances and records would have been with steroids. Just think about it. It would have been cool, wouldn’t it?

JMP January 12, 2010 at 9:25 am

Great, I think I can already smell the pot wafting in from across the Delaware river; along with BO and patchouli from the hippies suddenly flocking to the trash pit.

[re=492894]Terry[/re]: Maybe it will be like Beck’s Christmas movie, and only sell 17 tickets in some cites.

dum librul January 12, 2010 at 9:28 am

Gonna need to see bird certificates for each of those near flyers.

charlesdegoal January 12, 2010 at 9:29 am

Cadbury is run by Wiley Wankers.

TGY January 12, 2010 at 9:32 am

Well, there’s now something else to store in New Jersey tank farms.

Monsieur Grumpe January 12, 2010 at 9:34 am

Does like to bake brownies?

Sparky McGruff January 12, 2010 at 9:35 am

[re=492901]Larry McAwful[/re]: Imagine the snowboarders at the winter olympics with legal steroids and pot! Dude!

Come here a minute January 12, 2010 at 9:36 am

Joe Biden is LITERALLY sad.

Monsieur Grumpe January 12, 2010 at 9:40 am

[re=492908]Sparky McGruff[/re]:
NASCAR on Steroids? Road Roid Rage.

Sussemilch January 12, 2010 at 9:41 am

[re=492901]Larry McAwful[/re]: Well, back when Babe Ruth started playing there was actual cocaine in his coca-cola, and Mantle played his entire career drunk. Steroids were just the modern era trying to keep up with the past!

Woodwards Friend January 12, 2010 at 9:42 am

Please stop referring to the Vice President as “Joe Biden.” It confuses the real America where he is known by his Christian name “Joe O’Biden.”

Katydid January 12, 2010 at 9:49 am

[re=492907]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: I’m pretty sure brownies are the only way I’m gonna get ‘em into her. I cannot imagine teaching my 78-year-old mom how to toke, or use a bong. When I had an operation last year, she stood in the hospital room like a DEA agent, suspiciously asking each nurse, “What’s that shot for? Does she really need it?” while I writhed in pain. Fortunately, I don’t suffer from her malady.

JMP January 12, 2010 at 9:49 am

[re=492901]Larry McAwful[/re]: Baseball and football wouldn’t change at all, except that the players would admit to the steroids and we wouldn’t have the annoying outrage from all over the media.

Really, I can’t believe how people keep getting shocked when they find out another baseball player used steroids. Do you know how you can tell if a professional baseball player uses steroids? He’s in the major leagues. Every single one of them does; yes, including your favorite player.

El Pinche January 12, 2010 at 9:50 am

If Cadbury is bought out by those cheese goblins, the Bilderberg Group has officially taken control. The New World Order is in full swing. WE ARE FUCKED.

Larry McAwful January 12, 2010 at 10:03 am

[re=492908]Sparky McGruff[/re]: I think that’s a logical combination. Pot mellows you out, which balances out ‘roid rage.

[re=492911]Sussemilch[/re]: Time was when it was controversial for players to work out in the gym, since that would artificially ameliorate their natural athleticism. Seriously! But before the Pure Food and Drug Act, everyone was living on drugs every day. We have turned our back on our purer past, where the only drugs everyone’s allowed to spend their lives on are caffeine and antidepressants. We have thus turned our backs on America’s greatness.

[re=492915]JMP[/re]: Then the players would just take more steroids than before. Which would result in even more stunning performance, and the occasional scratching and biting of fellow players in dugouts and the sidelines. This, apart from the enhanced performances, would make these sports still more exciting than before, so I am for it.

bitchincamaro January 12, 2010 at 10:08 am

[re=492901]Larry McAwful[/re]: The old timers used alcohol usually. Only the truly talented could use psychotropics: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vUhSYLRw14

Prommie January 12, 2010 at 10:16 am

New Jersey’s medical marijuana law is typically fucked up by the demands of NJ’s elite corp of jackboot wearing State Police. Its a farce. So much law enforcement red tape is stuffed in this law that noone, but noone, will be able to abuse the law and get legal pot prescriptions because they are stressed and anxious about having to smoke illegal pot to get high. People who get prescriptions have to register with their local police, submit to daily rectal searches, post a sign on their lawn reading “Dope Fiend Lives Here,” and paint their car school-bus yellow. Doctors who write prescriptions have to call the governor each time they do and tell him they are giving someone dope. The pot can only be smoked in the presence of at least three cops in a special treatment room at the police station, and on and on.

Capitol Hillbilly January 12, 2010 at 10:17 am

I can’t wait till “The Situtation” gets hold of some Humbolt Thunder.

Come here a minute January 12, 2010 at 10:22 am

[re=492945]Prommie[/re]: The pot can only be smoked in the presence of at least three cops in a special treatment room at the police station.

You look at the situation and all you see are problems. I see the same situation and see a spike in police recruiting.

Lascauxcaveman January 12, 2010 at 10:39 am

“The Dope Garden State.”

JMP January 12, 2010 at 10:39 am

[re=492945]Prommie[/re]: Considering some of the other ridiculous regulations Jersey has, I can’t be sure if you made any of those up or they’re all real. This is the state that still requires all gas stations to be full service, after all.

(To the non-NJ youngsters reading: “full service” used to be an option at gas stations, which would hire people whose job was actually to fill up the tank for you. Yes, you could actually just sit in the car and pay the gas attendant, who would do the actual work. Because of this, some old people, like my mom, never learned to pump gas. Stations were usually divided into that and “self service”, which was cheaper and now is how all pumps operate. Except in Jersey where they outlawed self service years ago, and is therefore the only place full service pumps still exist.)

snoidoid January 12, 2010 at 10:42 am

[re=492915]JMP[/re]: If Ichiro is taking ‘roids he hides it well.

Prommie January 12, 2010 at 10:43 am

[re=492966]JMP[/re]: No, I do not pump gas, thank you very much.

snoidoid January 12, 2010 at 10:45 am

[re=492966]JMP[/re]: And in Oregon, too, the station attendants must pump your gas. Unless you ride a motorcycle, then the attendant hands you the nozzle ‘cuz he’s too scared to spill gas all over your bike.

snoidoid January 12, 2010 at 10:46 am

This bird-strike business can be solved with cloning of extinct species. I’m talking dodos and moas. Of course the moas might present a problem on the highways, but it would be a good first step.

Gumboz1953 January 12, 2010 at 10:59 am

[re=492890]darbyogill[/re]: That is seriously puke-worthy.

JMP January 12, 2010 at 11:04 am

[re=492974]Prommie[/re]: See what living in Jersey does to you.

[re=492978]snoidoid[/re]: Huh; I didn’t know there were any other states that did that. I’m still not sure what the purpose of those laws are.

Gumboz1953 January 12, 2010 at 11:07 am

[re=492914]Katydid[/re]: Damn, that’s seriously messed up. I hope the nurses threw her out on her ass.

Jim89048 January 12, 2010 at 11:25 am

Imagine the marketing possibilities if ‘roids were legal–the pharmaceuticals could buy naming rights to stadiums, sponsor athletes, profit!

proudgrampa January 12, 2010 at 11:30 am

I’ve never understood the “official” stand on steroids / drugs in professional sports: that somehow a world record or a performance isn’t “legitimate” with doping. If the athlete wants to use them (and see his testicles become the size of green peas), then why shouldn’t he? I think any record he gets should stand: the athlete paid the price for it.

Larry McAwful January 12, 2010 at 11:38 am

[re=492944]bitchincamaro[/re]: THAT KICKED ASS. Thanks very much for that link. I’m sharing it with many people who will appreciate it! I and my fellow western Pennsylvanians dig this stuff very much, thank you.

JMP January 12, 2010 at 11:40 am

[re=493032]proudgrampa[/re]: I wonder why the steroid hand-wringers always claim it harms the “purity” of sports. Sports are all about making lots and lots of money, and crass marketing and ripping off the fans; there’s nothing pure about them.

PsycGirl January 12, 2010 at 11:52 am

[re=492950]Come here a minute[/re]: The ubiquitous code 10-40 will be replaced by 4-20.

Joey Ratz January 12, 2010 at 12:02 pm

[re=493009]JMP[/re]: Apparently it’s all about employment. In Arizona, there are two pimply dorks running each gas station, but in Oregon, there’s [i]five[/i]!

CaiteeCruelle January 12, 2010 at 12:05 pm

[re=492966]JMP[/re] & [re=492945]Prommie[/re]: On the plus side of ridiculous regulations, I was informed in October that any piece of “subduing equipment” a Jersey cop gets to use on the citizenry (excepting guns), he has to experience for hisself at regularly scheduled time intervals. Pepper spray, billy clubs, whatever. This is why NJ has not yet adopted tasers.

Ducksworthy January 12, 2010 at 12:41 pm

[re=492915]JMP[/re]: Hmm. This would seem to argue against making sports figures our moral heros just because they’re illegal drug users. But I think we should turn that around and make other (all?) illegal drug users our moral heros.

Gorillionaire January 12, 2010 at 2:23 pm

I just read the story about Mieps and it is humbling, beautiful. I have nothing snarky to say. Carry on.

donner_froh January 12, 2010 at 2:37 pm

[re=492944]bitchincamaro[/re]: Brilliant.

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