great news for america

Sarah Palin Is President Of Fox News

Boy howdy, today’s the day when this news bit finally happens: Sarah Palin has signed on to be a Sporadic Contributor to Fox News, because someone will pay her to do this. Her occasional co-hosts will be a strawberry daiquiri and Willow and the Great Britain Hume. They will slap each other in the face with dildos and hymnals and fuck Lindsey Graham pinatas for one hour on teevee every so often. Huh?

Meh:

Palin, who resigned as governor of Alaska last summer, will appear as a commentator on various Fox shows. She will also host an occasional program that will examine inspirational tales involving ordinary Americans.

Maybe this will be her “opportunity” to meet a black person, live from Africa! OR MAYBE IT WILL BE MORE INSUFFERABLE BULLSHIT. Either way, everyone — EVERYONE — will watch it, and then we will all whine about how terrible it is that she gets so much attention.

Palin signs on with Fox News [Washington Post]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

126 comments

  1. Asa Hawks

    Maybe it’ll be a reality show where she hunts and skins wolves. And then wears the skin. As a hat.

  2. Gorillionaire

    Her contract will expire in a few years as she gradually begins to look (and sound) more and more like Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies.

  3. snideinplainsight

    Maybe it’s late to say it now, but I really don’t think anybody on that channel is a “fox”, or in any sense or way “foxy”.

  4. Texan Bulldoggette

    I’m gonna go with ‘MORE INSUFFERABLE BULLSHIT.’

    But I will think of Jabba the Hut & Princes Leia whenever I see these two together now.

  5. magic titty

    “She will also host an occasional program that will examine inspirational tales involving ordinary Americans.”

    Ordinary Americans is precisely what is wrong with this country. Also, COPS doesn’t need a host.

  6. chascates

    It would have to be more of a monologue. Like Limbaugh she couldn’t handle anyone questioning her. It’ll be scripted with her commenting on others statements with lots of fancy editing. And maybe some Beck style cryin’.

  7. Come here a minute

    And the “occasional program that will examine inspirational tales involving ordinary Americans” will not produce one episode.

  8. ManchuCandidate

    [re=492393]magic titty[/re]:
    Not COPS, but “Greatest High Speed Chases” or “When Pandas Attack!”

    What the hell took Faux so long?

  9. freakishlystrong

    [re=492385]lemprika[/re]: There is no journalism at Fox, so she wasted six years for nothing…

  10. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    will appear as a commentator on various Fox shows.

    In other words, we will be forced to watch while Hannity, O’Reilly and Beck lick her to an orgasm.

  11. joezoo

    Between her criticisms of the media for “makin’ stuff up” and her own propensity towards “makin’ stuff up,” she’ll be the perfect pundit.

  12. snideinplainsight

    [re=492397]Come here a minute[/re]: What about when Jesus appears on the surface of a French Toast? I’d be inspired by that – especially if He came with some Maple Syrup.

  13. memzilla

    This is wonderful news!

    As long as Mooselini is on Faux, it means Jon Stewart will never lack for material!

  14. Toonces

    Stories that inspire…. Bart’s… er I mean “Sarah’s People…” Simple folks, just trying to praisin’ the Lord as they struggle against big government and rickets.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    Community college is to Harvard as Fox News is to AEI — they’re both places for Republicans to park their asses between administrations, but Fox is for the bunch who’ve had grammar and critical thinking homeschooled out of them and can now only communicate through sound bites. I’m just hoping she thinks her increasing popularity among a smaller and smaller demographic will encourage her to really unleash the crazy — ’cause believe it or not, I think she’s been holding back.

  16. pants of doom

    She’s so rouge. So mavericky. She’s gonna move up the half court and pass to the point guard and move on because quitting is not what quitters do, oh no, that’s the quitters way out also.

  17. PrairiePossum

    “She will also host an occasional program that will examine inspirational tales involving ordinary Americans” = a 7 part miniseries on the life of Joe the Plumber

  18. RoscoePColtraine

    Come now, we’ll all watch it. Enthusiastically. When she says something totally fucked up, we want to witness it live, not hear about it on the internets.

  19. rottenart

    So all of us who predicted this career move waaaay back in December of last year ended up knowing more about her destiny than God. Sweet! Bow down before the Wonkett!

  20. SmutBoffin

    Serious question: What does this mean for her political career (such as it is)? Won’t even the demiretards who are on the fence about her executive capabilities take this as a sign that she has given up (directly participating in, at least) politics?

    Has anyone ever successfully: given up journalism, taken up politics, given up politics, taken up journalism again, then returned to politics?

  21. freakishlystrong

    Her occasional co-hosts will be a strawberry daiquiri and Willow and the Great Britain Hume. They will slap each other in the face with dildos and hymnals and fuck Lindsey Graham pinatas for one hour on teevee every so often. Huh?

    Now THAT would be appointment teevee.

  22. Anonymous Office Zombie

    “…and I saw a woman sit upon a scarlet coloured beast, full of names of blasphemy, having seven heads and ten horns. And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet colour, and decked with gold and precious stones and pearls, having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication: And upon her forehead was a name written, MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH.”

    Ugh. The inevitable is upon us. Repent for the end is neigh.

  23. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Just when you though the collective IQ at Fox News couldn’t drop any lower. But is this good news for John McCain?

  24. memzilla

    Since this means that the Great White Dope will be supplying Teh Wonket with, literally, terabytes of new snarking opportunities, I shall paraphrase the famous line from “Jaws:”

    “We’re gonna need a bigger server.”

  25. torera

    Oh lord, they’re going to edit her into some semblance of coherence and in a few years we’ll all forget how insane and ignorant she is. No, Roscoe, I won’t watch it — SHE WILL BE SCRIPTED AND EDITED. Hasn’t Roger Ailes reached his human term limit yet??

  26. JMP

    [re=492393]magic titty[/re]: And now, on the Palin show, the heartwarming story of an ordinary, everyday Governor who found out she was pregnant with a retard, but had him anyway, unlike the socialist feminist librals who would all every one abort the precious little retard angel.

    Next week, the story of an ordinary daughter of a governor, who found herself confused and pregnant by a TEENAGE BOY WHO’S GONNA FIND HIMSELF CUT BAD SOMEDAY SOON. YOU HEAR THAT LEVI, I HAVE PEOPLE, AND THEY ARE COMING FOR YOU; YOU AIN’T GONNA GET ANYONE ELSE PREGNANT ‘CAUSE THEY’RE CUTTING OFF YOUR BALLS.

  27. Senile Agitation

    I can’t wait for the inspirational story of an ordinary young man who impregnates his teen sweetheart then becomes caught up in the madness of a national election involving the sweetheart’s power-mad Mom and fights to break free from her Frozen Retreat of Evil, eventually triumphing by displaying his goods in a trashy magazine so all the non-married gays can waste their fluids without threatening our way of life anymore. She could examine the hell out of that one.

  28. pants of doom

    @ ella: RIMSHOT

    @ I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO: Sorry, I had a small anyurism there. I was so excited I channeled all the best Snowbilly material from days of yore and sort of vomited it up into a nonsensical puke pile of a post. Like there was sense? There never was. I just am so excited I peed a little. Then it dried. Then I peed more. Also!1!!!1111eleven!

  29. bitchincamaro

    [re=492421]freakishlystrong[/re]: Right up there with the new season of “Ax-Men”. For real.

  30. Gopherit

    When are they going to give her a show with Rove? It can be called “Yeah, You Betcha! With Sarah and Karl.” She can be all folksy, and call him “fatso” and “turdblossom.” It’ll be just like his day at the whitehouse.

  31. widestanceromancer

    She and a team of hard-hitting videographers will track down ordinary people as they are condemned by death panels for having really expensive illnesses (the kinds decent small-town people get). Except for the episodes she mysteriously backs out of (wherein we will hear the announcer say, ‘Playing the part of Sarah Palin today will be Michelle Bachmann.’

  32. Not_So_Much

    [re=492400]freakishlystrong[/re]: 6 years and 5 colleges. (Well, only 4 if you don’t count Hawaii with the scary Asian people…)

  33. SayItWithWookies

    [re=492422]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: the end is neigh.

    No, no — she’s the other end of the horse.

  34. RoscoePColtraine

    I say we get her and Huckabee together for a TV host/pundit cage match kind of deal-ee. Let’s see who can out-”Genesis is a science textbook” who.

  35. pants of doom

    She reads them all. You know all of them. What ever is put in front of her. People like to think ALASKA is this little microcosm but it’s not and who will Putin rear his ugly head over also?

  36. ManchuCandidate

    [re=492401]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]:
    Ewwww… I doubt any of them would really know how to do it well.

  37. Fox News Light

    “Fighting for Alaska” must mean the same things as “Search for the real killers”…how about that..i brought up a OJ reference in 2010

  38. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=492412]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Hearing it second hand on the Internet will be quite enough, thank you.

  39. gurukalehuru

    She has realized she is not going to be the next Ronald Reagan so she has set her sights on becoming the next Rush Limbaugh.
    She knows where the real power lies.

  40. Joshua Norton

    Hell, everything she says goes directly and almost exclusively to Fox Noise anyway, she just wants her cut of the action.

  41. JMP

    [re=492401]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Another “ew ew ew” to that image. And I imagine she’d probably be dry as the Alaskan winter air down there. Uggh.

  42. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    The great thing about this is that this pretty much guarantees we will never see a President Sarah Palin. To answer [re=492419]SmutBoffin[/re]: I don’t know historically what this looks like, but realistically, this is game over. I mean, you’re just feeding the sound bite machine at this point. Can anyone think of anything she could say to on the teevee that would improve her chances of being elected something?

  43. S.Luggo

    Sarah’s foot, please meet Sarah’s mouth. This could be yummy.

    [re=492385]lemprika[/re]: And TV sports journalism at that. Walter Lippman started that way.

    [re=492420]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Baal’s.

  44. ella

    [re=492435]pants of doom[/re]: Thanks. Maybe while she’s there, she’ll get some art history lessons from Glenn Beck.

  45. Mojopo

    I can’t wait for the eventual mash-ups. Too bad NBC couldn’t get Palin for their 10:00 spot, because that one is WIIIIIIDE open.

    Big fun was had at my house last night, when we heard Palin botched debate practice when she kept refering to Joe as “O’Biden”.

  46. Joshua Norton

    Hope they’ve stocked up on lithium and mood stabilizers. She’s the Paula Abdul of politics.

  47. pants of doom

    Remember that one time she quit being governor to *REALLY* focus on fighting for Alaska? Well, this must that then. Rouge!

  48. One Yield Regular

    I’m afraid I won’t be able to watch this as I’m planning to be parked in front of CSPAN’s coverage of health care bill conferencing.

  49. jodyleek

    [re=492463]jodyleek[/re]: CORRECTION: I’m “nonplussed”. Will this be a puppet show or a dog and pony show?

  50. GeneralLerong

    Inspirational interviews with ordinary Americans…does this mean she’ll also get a segment on Dirty Jobs?

  51. proudgrampa

    I’m OK with it: since I don’t watch FOX news, she stays there and fades into a well-deserved obscurity.

  52. dijetlo

    Think about it…who leads todays Republican party?
    Is it John “The Big Orange” Boner? Is it Mitch “The Human Weasel” McConnel? Those two couldn’t pass out free blowjobs in the mens room of the RNC conference,(or could they?). The point is they are nobodies, the rank (and I use that word literally) and file Republicans hate them.
    Rush Limpballs, Glands Beck, Man Coulter these are the leading lights of the conservative movement. Chucky Kraphammer and Goerge Schill are the intelligentsia of the old school Republicans, the ones who want perpetual war on Islam. The Conservative Movement doesn’t like the war on Islam, it makes for poor TV, they want a war on “Liberals” (to include Kraphammer and Schill).
    Media personalities are the new leadership of the conservative movement, not actual politicians.
    So, if your wondering can Sister Sara use Faux as a platform to launch a second political life outside the stuffy confines of the Republican establishment…You betcha. That’s her plan, or at least that’s as much of a plan as she’s got.

  53. assistant/atlas

    [re=492412]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Speak for yourself. I couldn’t handle politics without the filter of our beloved Wonkette. Not without a hell of a lot more Jack Daniels, at least.

  54. OReillysVibrator

    [re=492420]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Actually, I was with Sarah Palin today when she received the offer. God came down from the Heavens and said “Sarah, I have great plans for you – you are to tour the world, and spread my message of peace and piety, bringing the world united under me. Reject this pecuniary opportunity and go forth making the world a better place.” Then Sarah looked at God and said “What? Fuck you, I’m makin’ loot!” and signed the contract.

  55. NotthatLC

    I KNEW IT!!!!
    She wasn’t running for anything with that book except for a talk show host or special correspondent.

  56. CaliforniaMike

    During Sweeps Week, Sarah and Bristol will give birth in tandem to two more of Satan’s children.

  57. Sparky McGruff

    [re=492407]Toonces[/re]: It’s not rickets, it’s meth-mouth. Though it’s easy to confuse the two.

  58. maven

    [re=492397]Come here a minute[/re]: Oh, actually they will be recurring episodes about the success of her daughter as a single mom and alternating with episodes about how well Trig is facing the challenges of being a special needs child.

  59. El Pinche

    [re=492509]NotthatLC[/re]: That sucks. Now we’re stuck with Mitt Romney, Mike Fatfuckabee, and Pawlen zzzZZZZZzzzz . uh…that boring guy. 2012 is going to be very Pawlenty (boring).

  60. JokerMon

    but his really is the End, isn’t it?

    meaning, we will never, ever, EVER be rid of her –

    mere words cannot express how muhc this sucks…

    all of our intellects haz a tremendous sad today (and forever?)

  61. the norwegian blue

    Glenn Beck responded to the prospect of Foxy $arah just now:
    “Can you imagine, can you imagine what an fair and balanced news show with the two of us will be like? What? Come on! She’ll be yapping or something, and I’ll say, “I’m sorry, why am I hearing your voice? I’m not in the kitchen.”
    Good times, good times…

  62. bobwurst

    Say what you will about Sarah and her political skills or stick-to-itivness, she’s a great mom. She got that retard Trig a helmet, and a stylish one at that…

  63. betterDeadThanRed

    I always thought that Fox News was her true destiny once she came into national prominence. I predict she will also pick up a talk-radio hour before this is over.

  64. TGY

    In related news, Rod Blackojevich has declared he should be the new Fox personality, since he’s more of a woman than Sarah Palin.

  65. Escape Goat Nation

    Your World with Neil Cavuto will be moved the the Fox Soccer Channel to make room for Sarah.

  66. PickneyPinchback

    Keith Olbermann just had a spontaneous ejaculation. Now he has something to balance out the 10 minutes he spends every night whining about Bill O’Reilly. MSNBC can just change the name of his show to “Fox Soup.”

    Here’s my actual fantasy show for Palin: “The Two Sarahs.” Sarah Palin and Sarah Silverman sit around recapping the days news, each with their own wacky take on reality. Each episode ends with them mudwrestling. Is this cheesy enough for Fox?

  67. FlownOver

    [re=492385]lemprika[/re]: “Journalism” now means “Makin’ stuff up.” For profit.

    She’s perfect.

  68. comicbookguy

    [re=492618]PickneyPinchback[/re]: From the people who brought you Foxy Boxing with Paula Jones and Tonya Harding…

  69. ms_mcgee

    [re=492420]Hooray For Anything[/re]:

    Was this God’s plan too?

    She’s Christian – Brit Hume would say yes.

  70. Jukesgrrl

    So I take it everyone who was going to buy Sarah’s book has turned in their money.
    PS: Did you Wonkette editors get invited to Comedy Central’s celebration party? I hear there’s going to be caviar and a Stoli fountain.

    [re=492434]Senile Agitation[/re]: No, the “the inspirational story of an ordinary young man who impregnates his teen sweetheart” is a Lifetime movie. (But I’m sure Sarah will be paid rather than Levi, or a strongly worded letter from Meg Staplebitch will be forthcoming.)

    [re=492618]PickneyPinchback[/re]: That treatment will work fine if the two Sarahs wear thongs and have the numbers of Bible verses tattoed to their ass-cheeks.

  71. chascates

    “I am thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News,” Palin said in the Fox announcement. “It’s wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news.”

    Fox said Palin will provide political commentary and analysis for Fox News Channel, Fox Business Network, FoxNews.com and Fox News-produced special event political programming for Fox Broadcasting.

    Palin will also host periodic episodes of Fox News’ “Real American Stories,” a series exploring inspirational real-life tales of overcoming adversity throughout the American landscape that will debut in 2010, the network said.

    This effort is going to employ a lot of ghostwriters, makeup specialists, speech coaches, and god knows what else. The trailer trash Oprah.

  72. rocktonsammy

    The Kox Kews Klan are bigger pricks than the McCain clan.

    She’ll quit in 2 months to “spend more time with family.”

    At the very least, she ‘ll wear low cut sweaters and short skirts when she delivers, “Sarah’s Comment.”

  73. Servo

    Real American Stories? Hmmm. Of course no mention will be made of the really fucked Americans who can’t afford healthcare or are sacrificed in Corporate America’s wars. No-no. These are stories of HEROES, doggonit. Real Americans are HEROES. Because – well, just because they’re Americans. Baseball, hotdog, and apple pie Americans. It’s all about GOD and country, y’know. GOD only loves Americans because they’re HEROES. Fat, lazy, loud-mouthed HEROES that consume massive amounts of resources. But that’s okay. It’s all in the name of Jesus.

  74. chascates

    [re=492770]rocktonsammy[/re]: I bet she’ll burn out in less than a year. This is too fast-paced, quick quip-type stuff. Unless she sticks to the teleprompter she’ll soon crash & burn.

    It’ll be great to watch.

  75. Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=492409]KingKlickKlick[/re]: Who’s Nailin’ Palin? Pshaw! It will be like Lisa Ann’s more recent work with gay adult performers gone straight for pay. She’s going to have Shep Smith put in her, then she’ll reciprocate with a strap-on & some Astroglide.

  76. leaveskoalrebelalone

    she ll be on npr right after ira glass ‘this american life’ what a sunday morning that will be!

  77. AngryAtheist

    THE media whore has finally found her home.

    This will serve as soft porn for lonely wingnuts in dark basements.Also

  78. Captain Swing

    Does this mean we now call it Fauxy News?

    Yay for fair and balanced news!

    Now pardon me while I find a sink to puke in…

  79. hunter.blatherer

    [re=492393]magic titty[/re]: Learn a lesson from Sarah. You really shouldn’t be that funny for free. Make them buy the cow.

  80. RoadScholar

    Just yesterady I was discussing Palin’s credibility as a leader with a Fox-watcher, who offered “yeah, but she’s HOT!”

    Stunning.

    Maybe Limbaugh and Murdoch figure that an overdose of surrealism will cause incurably sane people to check out, leaving the world to them and their brainless minions.

Comments are closed.