THE WORLD IS LITERALLY HER OYSTER  5:34 pm January 7, 2010

Why Would Sarah Palin Speak At One Big Convention But Not Another?

by Jim Newell

Fork it over, CPACThis sure is queer. Sarah Palin has announced that she will speak at the upcoming National Tea Party Convention but will not speak at or even attend its sudden rival, CPAC. You could argue that it’s because the older, more established CPAC will probably not be quite as insane a “National Tea Party Convention,” but let’s not split hairs: they’ll both be magnificently nightmarish spectacles of torture and sadness. (The friggin John Birch Society is co-sponsoring CPAC this year, remember?) What could it be then? Hmm, long-shot here, but maybe Palin’s particular convention choices have something to do with the fact that the Tea Partiers will pay her a $100,000 fee, while CPAC does not pay any fees — or as their spokesperson calls them, “honorariums.” Who knew CPAC was so Soviet? [Washington Independent]

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ManchuCandidate January 7, 2010 at 5:40 pm

I’m “shocked” that Sarah Palin is the Tila Tequilla of politics.

Lascauxcaveman January 7, 2010 at 5:40 pm

Oooh, I guessed the answer before I even finished the headline! Do I get a cookie?

A slot on Jeopardy?

germansteel January 7, 2010 at 5:41 pm

If the John Birch Society didn’t already exist, Sarah Palin would create it. It’s that insane.

Sharkey January 7, 2010 at 5:42 pm

Plus CPAC is in Washington, DC one a them thar “big-cities”.

AngryBlakGuy January 7, 2010 at 5:43 pm

…geez, leave the poor woman alone! So what, that she would rather get TEABAGGED, than CPAC‘ed. As a matter of fact my ex told me she got CPAC’ed one time and she couldn’t shyt for a week!

AngryBlakGuy January 7, 2010 at 5:45 pm

…at what point does this become whoring and a official crime?

Aurelio January 7, 2010 at 5:45 pm

$100k? I’ll bet Tina Fey would do it cheaper.

V572625694 January 7, 2010 at 5:46 pm

I’ve had the misfortune of being forced to stay at The Great Terrarium of Nashville where Ms Sarah will deliver her bon mots. It is the weirdest, creepiest hotel ever. The plants sing. Buildings underneath roofs have roofs on them. There’s a faux New Orleans area, with wrought-iron railings. Outside is a desolate tundra of asphalt, roasting under unbearable sun. The nearest non-allied restuarant — in fact the only one — is called “Cooter’s.”

The good news is that Gibson has a “factory store” in the nearby shopping mall, and they’ll leave you alone to play all the nice guitars you want for as long as you want. Also in that mall is the theater where the Grand Ole Opry relocated from downtown Nashville. It was supposed to be the magnet that would attract everyone to a theme park called Opryland, which quickly died.

Crank Tango January 7, 2010 at 5:46 pm

So SP loves honoraria. I think I had that once, or maybe it was the clap, who can remember.

snideinplainsight January 7, 2010 at 5:49 pm

My sister had an honorarium too. She grew ferns and a newt in hers.

snideinplainsight January 7, 2010 at 5:49 pm

But the newt died, and then it got all smelly.

lochnessmonster January 7, 2010 at 5:51 pm

How ya gonna keep her down on the farm, after she’s seen money?

bitchincamaro January 7, 2010 at 5:51 pm

I’m disappointed she’s not fleecing as many numbnutted suckers as she could. Perhaps she’ll come to her senses and offer a discount to the no longer acsendent CPAC.

[re=491102]V572625694[/re]: “Cooter’s”? For reals? Haha.

bitchincamaro January 7, 2010 at 5:52 pm

[re=491103]Crank Tango[/re]: It was the clap, which affects memory.

SayItWithWookies January 7, 2010 at 5:54 pm

CPAC should’ve offered Sarah Palin a deal where they pay her $1,000 per diagrammable sentence. Everyone would’ve been happy — CPAC would get their speaker, and Sarah Palin can’t count anyway, so it wouldn’t matter.

problemwithcaring January 7, 2010 at 5:59 pm

When in comes to money hungry ho-ing, this is one principled, principled lady.

V572625694 January 7, 2010 at 6:00 pm


It’s apparently the sort of pub Henry James would’ve created, had he been a fuckin redneck instead of a great writer.

S.Luggo January 7, 2010 at 6:00 pm

Who’s handling the PR for this shindig? Does her name rhyme with “Alaskan teenage slut”?

Gopherit January 7, 2010 at 6:03 pm

The Birchers fancy themselves to be deep thinkers, if not intellectuals. Compared to Palin and the Tea Baggers, they’re right.

Crazy fuckers all, though.

blader January 7, 2010 at 6:04 pm

To deliver their keynote address, CPAC will be rolling out a carefully preserved specimen of Ronald Reagan’s phlegm, which, when rehydrated before the crowd right there on the podium, will deliver the historic “Mr Gorbachev, tear down that wall!” speech.

Do any of you have any idea how much it costs to dehydrate, preserve for decades, and then reanimate a goober?

Texan Bulldoggette January 7, 2010 at 6:05 pm

Per Ben Smith, she’s also going to be at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference in April in N’Awlins–I’m stumped because she isn’t a ‘Southern’ anything. Maybe a little Katrina will work itself up & blow her out to sea (but leave the other people alone).

And let’s not forget the Woman of Joy Conference she’ll headline in April in Louisville. Who knew these organizations had that kind of money!

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO January 7, 2010 at 6:05 pm

[re=491119]S.Luggo[/re]: No! It rhymes with Bristol…

Oh, I see your point now.

Tommmcatt January 7, 2010 at 6:05 pm


And make more sense.

betterDeadThanRed January 7, 2010 at 6:06 pm

WAIT! What if they’re right. Maybe the Tea Party groups are more popular than either the Democratic or Republican parties. What if a Palin/Bachmann ticket could win in 2012. What kind of living hell would America become. This is really FREAKING ME OUT.

Whew! I’m better now. Those LSD flashbacks from the ’70s can be hell around 5:00.

qwerty42 January 7, 2010 at 6:07 pm

So Jim, will the Wonkette (Ken, Sara, you) team be in Nashville for the Tea Party Convention? Could be a great time.

bitchincamaro January 7, 2010 at 6:17 pm

[re=491118]V572625694[/re]: You’re a better man than I. Listening to is about as jiggy as I like to get with the toofless set.

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO January 7, 2010 at 6:20 pm

[re=491130]betterDeadThanRed[/re]: Don’t do that again, please, you had me nearly losing my shit.

rocktonsammy January 7, 2010 at 6:20 pm

Not sure why SP has to work in the south.

She already has the thick womens mustache and full bush vote in the bag.

x111e7thst January 7, 2010 at 6:24 pm

[re=491126]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: If Woman of Joy is not the name of a whorehouse in one of Phnom Penh’s sleazier suburbs it should be.

uncletravelingmatt January 7, 2010 at 6:27 pm

I admire the woman’s money-making agenda. She should get corporate sponsorship patches sewn on to her clothes, just like NASCAR drivers. Teabaggers would love that shit.

bitchincamaro January 7, 2010 at 6:30 pm

[re=491133]bitchincamaro[/re] [re=491118]V572625694[/re]: : I give you real Southern Culture:

Crank Tango January 7, 2010 at 6:40 pm

[re=491110]bitchincamaro[/re]: what does? what were we talking about again? I love you Bristol!?

DickTaterPeeNoShay January 7, 2010 at 6:41 pm

[re=491102]V572625694[/re]: You’re pretty close in your assessment. In fact, Opryland was a great theme park that existed for 20+ years and a place where I worked in one of the shows as a musician during college. Sadly, it was torn down to build the Opry Mills mega-mall that generated more revenue with less HR hassle.

foulmouthed mrscreant January 7, 2010 at 6:46 pm

[re=491142]uncletravelingmatt[/re]: She’s already begun doing that, with Arctic Cat. The Grifter Granny knows how to keep the money in and for the family! She’s fiscally conservative with her own money but not with anyone else’s.

uncletravelingmatt January 7, 2010 at 7:00 pm

[re=491152]foulmouthed mrscreant[/re]: Yeah, I forgot Arctic Cat. Doesn’t get much more trailer park chic than that. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to plaster some Exxon decals on the Naughty Monkey pumps. Or tattoo on Trig’s forehead. Either way.

irisheyesagain January 7, 2010 at 7:04 pm

Hey kids! We got a shout out from the commenters on this story:

Some lovely gent noted….

“If the Wonkette people get wind of this…”

Seems like a dare almost, no? And who couldn’t do with a little fun at the TPN? I believe our own Gopherit has already been banned.


irisheyesagain January 7, 2010 at 7:05 pm

foulmouthed mrscreant January 7, 2010 at 7:05 pm

[re=491155]uncletravelingmatt[/re]: You are right, Crunchwrap Supreme/Taco Bell (one for you, two for $arah) could be embroidered on her pretty purple jacket as well!

Come here a minute January 7, 2010 at 7:19 pm

Sarah Palin is so ten minutes ago.Too bad the TPC (or CPAC) can’t afford Bristol “BSMPC LLC” Palin.

uncletravelingmatt January 7, 2010 at 7:23 pm

[re=491158]foulmouthed mrscreant[/re]: Perfect. The Crunchwrap Supreme is basically a metophor for Sarah Palin. Brazenly inauthentic, devoid of purpose, overhyped, and pretty much only interesting to middle-aged white guys with Dorito-stained shirts.

Hopey dont play that game January 7, 2010 at 7:33 pm

Lemme break this down for you crakkas: Speaking for free = socialist bitch move; Speaking for cash = gettin’ paid beyoches.

M o’ Steele yo

comicbookguy January 7, 2010 at 7:36 pm

“Sarah Palin, acting on the advice of her PR agency…”

edgydrifter January 7, 2010 at 7:39 pm

Hey, Jesus didn’t do SHIT for free either. Quittacudda is just following the Lord’s example.

comicbookguy January 7, 2010 at 7:51 pm

[re=491157]irisheyesagain[/re]: You have to register to see anything on that tea party site. Be sure to choose a username that doesn’t arouse suspicion, something like “RINO_hunter_1776″ “southernpatriot” or “no_naggars_allowed”

Actually those are probably already taken.

Dashboard_Buddha January 7, 2010 at 8:00 pm

Palin wins the prez…would Beef Supreme be her secretary of the interior?

El Pinche January 7, 2010 at 8:03 pm

Hmmmmm, let’s see some stuffy ass boring CPAC gathering of old dinosaurs OR a kickass giant KKK rally with good food and a David Allan Coe cover band. No contest!!

Speaking of contests, I wonder if Sarah will show her big ole flappy retard feedbags. Too bad I can’t I go…I’m brown!

Aflac Shrugged January 7, 2010 at 8:26 pm

[re=491177]El Pinche[/re]: I’m sure that if you came with a noose around your neck and several white, armed friends you trusted with your life, you’d have no problems getting in.

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO January 7, 2010 at 8:29 pm

[re=491177]El Pinche[/re]: Maybe you could run for RNC chair and get in that way?

Or just be honest and anytime someone asks you, just say, “I’m here so you don’t look quite as racist as you really are.” They will appreciate and respect your honesty (assuming they know what honesty is, of course).

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO January 7, 2010 at 8:38 pm

and what else do we learn today? Oh, right, that the whole “Can I call you Joe?” bit at the beginning of the VP debate? Yeah, that was because in debate preps, Palin couldn’t even get her opponent’s name right.

Screw facts, she couldn’t even remember the name of the person she was going to be debate on national teevee.

For fuck’s sake, they attack the President because he reads from teleprompters, and this woman can’t even fucking read?

Up To Here Again January 7, 2010 at 8:46 pm

None Dare Call It Reason

stolichnayaaa January 7, 2010 at 8:47 pm

This is surely the first salvo in the coming Sarah Palin / Marco Rubio war for the soul of the toes of the gangrenous foot of the Republican party. Rubio is speaking at CPAC, so Sarah is not.

I don’t know anything about him, but all of a sudden I am sure he will be a candidate in 2016.

Buttery1000 January 7, 2010 at 8:50 pm

Why Sarah Palin still sucks in ’10:

Up To Here Again January 7, 2010 at 8:51 pm

[re=491142]uncletravelingmatt[/re]: I want all Senators and Congresspeople wearing patches of all the big corporations that bought their votes.

Up To Here Again January 7, 2010 at 8:54 pm

[re=491156]irisheyesagain[/re]: Oooo, that’s the gung ho!


Meanwhile, John McCain’s underpants are filling up again.

Up To Here Again January 7, 2010 at 8:58 pm

[re=491173]comicbookguy[/re]: How’s about:
Bone_up_on_tea-baggin’ ?

AnglRdr January 7, 2010 at 9:03 pm

[re=491118]V572625694[/re]: Please do not disparage my fair city! Opryland occupies a small outlying part (hence the lack of restuarants), and is hardly representative of Nashville, which is awesome. Cooters Place is owned by Ben Jones, aka “Cooter” of Dukes of Hazzard fame. There is even the (a?) General Lee-motif Dodge Charger out in front (

Some alleged friends offered to chip in to send me to the banquet to see Madame Quitter in the flesh, but it’s $350 just for the banquet ticket.

Up To Here Again January 7, 2010 at 9:37 pm

Perfect. The stupid tea baggers, who are obviously not rich people, are about to waste $100 grand ON HER?

Unless Freedom Jerks is paying the bill behiind the curtain.

Not Real America,
Real Dumb America.

desertwind January 7, 2010 at 9:37 pm

Ah so. Mystery solved.

CaliforniaMike January 7, 2010 at 10:06 pm

All the way back to Nixon, every time I think the American people are too smart to elect some moronic mouthbreather — Dick, Ronnie, Quayle, Dubya — they prove me wrong.

That’s why I really do expect President Snowbilly to be inaugurated on January 20th, 2013.

Amurrikans can’t stand the fact that the president is smarter than they are — not to mention darker.

CanadianBacon January 7, 2010 at 10:09 pm

$ 100,000 for a speaking engagement, sells over a million books. Sarah has become a parody of a reverse Robin Hood, steals from the stupid poor and gives to the stupid (rhymes with rich).

El Pinche January 7, 2010 at 10:22 pm

[re=491190]Up To Here Again[/re]:

Looks like McCain will need to borrow Vitter’s Size 20 Snuggie Cruisers when he watches 60 Minutes:

Who’s HENNGGHHH’in NOW, old man!?

betterDeadThanRed January 7, 2010 at 10:25 pm

OOH! Tea Party Nation is perfect for me! As the old Woody Allen joke goes: “I would never want to join an organization that would have me for a member.”

Larry McAwful January 7, 2010 at 10:33 pm

There’s a group even crazier in this country than the John Birch Society? I guess I knew it. I just didn’t want to admit that it was possible.

This has been a great opportunity to explain to people my age and younger what the John Birch Society is, and to point out to people older than me that yes, it really still does exist.

foulmouthed mrscreant January 7, 2010 at 10:35 pm

[re=491202]CaliforniaMike[/re]: The inauguration would never happen, because of the rapture. So, YAY!!

doxastic January 7, 2010 at 10:46 pm

[re=491126]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Louisville? That’s the San Francisco of Kentucky!

irisheyesagain January 7, 2010 at 10:46 pm

Seriously- They are losing their shit over there in the chat. Go, have some fun- you’ve earned it. And hearty congratulations go out to Cicada for getting banned after only one comment!!!!

El Pinche January 7, 2010 at 10:47 pm

[re=491181]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: [re=491182]I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO[/re]: Or I could dress up as an Obama effigy. In any case, I would be a prop like my man Steele.

doxastic January 7, 2010 at 10:52 pm

[re=491190]Up To Here Again[/re]: And to think, before the CHRISTMAS DAY MASSACRE OF INFINITE SADNESS, I’d have just read that as a poop/ejaculation joke.

Now all I can think is John McCain plans to underpants-bomb the health care debate. Which is probably also true.

uncletravelingmatt January 7, 2010 at 11:01 pm

[re=491189]Up To Here Again[/re]: Yeah, but Sarah’s special — you pony up the dough for her and all you get is a whole buncha nothin’. Also.

SayItWithWookies January 7, 2010 at 11:02 pm

[re=491206]El Pinche[/re]: The most interesting implication to that snippet is that there must’ve been some point in the campaign where McCain and his underlings all got together and admitted that they either had to throw Palin over the side or just start lying like hell and saying she was astute and knowledgeable and that anyone who said otherwise was a liberal who resented Palin because they didn’t want the first female VP to be a conservative.

I imagine them all sitting in silence as they imagined the campaign burning like a Pinto on the side of the road — and then somebody said, “We should call Kristol.” And then a surge of pride coursed through the room — someone took out a pad and started writing down names, and everyone unholstered their Blackberries.

“Bill — hi, it’s John,” said the Vietnam vet who had been in deeper, darker corners before. “We’re gonna stick our tongues down this frog’s throat until it either turns into a prince or we’re tasting reptile ass. Are you in?”

And it was on — they might not’ve been able to stop ol’ John McCain from thinking with his dick in the first place — but with the help of a few media shills, they were gonna bullshit the American people until they believed that witless mooseshooter was Albert fucking Einstein.

thehelveticascenario January 7, 2010 at 11:09 pm

[re=491214]irisheyesagain[/re]: “Teabagger Vance” sadly got banned only after one innocuous post.

irisheyesagain January 7, 2010 at 11:12 pm

[re=491221]thehelveticascenario[/re]: Innocuous, to be sure.

petehammer January 7, 2010 at 11:26 pm

[re=491207]betterDeadThanRed[/re]: If by “Woody Allen” you mean “Groucho Marx.”

Bruno January 8, 2010 at 12:03 am

Let Sarah be Sarah, she is just trying to pull herself up by her bootstraps, which would also make some great pr0n pixxx

betterDeadThanRed January 8, 2010 at 12:23 am

[re=491224]petehammer[/re]: I guess he stole it from Groucho. You know how we are.

Lionel Hutz Esq. January 8, 2010 at 12:35 am

You don’t give away the craziness that Sarah Palin brings for nothing. It’s fuckin’ golden!

Of course, the Teabaggers will be really disappointed when they realize that for their 100K, they just get a computer monitor and a live posting to Palin’s Facebook page.

petehammer January 8, 2010 at 12:46 am

[re=491228]betterDeadThanRed[/re]: If by “we” you mean creepy old men, then yes, I know. If, however, you mean Jewish, then no, I don’t.

gurukalehuru January 8, 2010 at 1:14 am

How much are they paying Michelle Bachmann? Hmmmm?

betterDeadThanRed January 8, 2010 at 1:46 am

[re=491233]petehammer[/re]: By ‘we’ I mean those who attempt humor whether or not we succeed.

El Pinche January 8, 2010 at 2:40 am

[re=491220]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Yep, I think that point was right after the debate. Anyways, I normally don’t watch 60 minutes, but I will this time.

I already made some bets that she’ll bail this gig or quit in the middle of it.

x111e7thst January 8, 2010 at 8:38 am

[re=491234]gurukalehuru[/re]: Not a tenth of what Lesbian Spankfest II staring SPalin and MBachmann would make.

PlanetWingnuta January 8, 2010 at 9:26 am

it’s cpac time? HOT DAMN…A LOT OF REPUBLICAN GUYS LOOKING FOR BUTTSEKS ON CRAIGSLIST…(if you think I’m lying…please look at craigslist when the convention starts….LOL

PlanetWingnuta January 8, 2010 at 9:29 am

oh and i was talking about the gay parts …and ive seen them d o it in the str8 parts too just not as many LOL.

TGY January 8, 2010 at 10:12 am

‘Queer’ in what respect, Jim?

GeneralLerong January 8, 2010 at 10:33 am

[re=491237]El Pinche[/re]: Not with a hundred grand on the line, she won’t. She’ll wave and read her speech like a good little sock puppet.

Nothing like being paid to be the head of a boil on America’s ass.

GeneralLerong January 8, 2010 at 10:36 am

[re=491220]SayItWithWookies[/re]: copied this to re-read from time to time to cheer me up, seeing as how I’m actually living in Arkansas North. Witless Mooseshooter. Heh!

SayItWithWookies January 8, 2010 at 11:19 am

[re=491338]GeneralLerong[/re]: Arkansas North? Funny, my name for Arkansas is North Louisiana. It’s all relative.

Gorillionaire January 8, 2010 at 2:08 pm

[re=491220]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I am going to memorize that.

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