Barack Obama and people are going to present their report of the underpants bomber, and how funny it was that a guy would do such a thing to his wiener. DON’T LAUGH AT THAT. TERRORISM IS REAL. Supposedly Obama will pretend to take the blame, or responsibility, for not intercepting the plane mid-air from Hawaii. Oy…
4:32 — The CNN is furious that Obama has delayed this twice, from 1:00 to 4:30. And now it’s 4:34. Do they have such a thing as “time” in Kenyawaii?
4:34 — Hey it’s Obama. He says he’s got news. He just got briefed. He was late because he shat his pants.
4:35 — “Janet Napitano will later discuss her screening review.” Snooze. When is American Idol on?
4:36 — Shortcomings occurred in Three Broad Ways. Let us Discuss Them.
4:36 — The intelligence community did not put all of the masses of amazing information about this plot together. Yemen got no respect.
4:37 — Missed the second Way.
4:38 — Third Way: the Holland people let him on the plane despite his presence on the no-fly list. Holland, won’t hear from them no more.
4:39 — Ooh, additonal corrective measures, and we hear them first! There are Four.
4:40 — New Tactic: supposedly the intelligence community “follows leads” now. It is a breakthrough in intelligence.
4:41 — Second Tactic: Don’t sit on information! Just cold motherfuckin’ arrest all leads when you hear about them. You may think this contradicts the first Tactic, about following leads, but you can shut up.
4:42 — Third Tactic: “Analyze information.” Socialist.
4:43 — Fourth Tactic: “Make the no fly list dongle work-like.”
4:44 — None of these things will actually work, he adds, but maybe you all can stop crying anyway.
4:44 — Holland actually did have screeners that could detect cockbombs, but this super crafty Nigerian dipshit just, you know… entered through another gate. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.
4:45 — God we are so behind here. It’s tough to carefully transcribe a 10-minute dictum of vague variations on “we will tighten the system to work more cohesively, and end terrorism. Now let me go drone-bomb some kids in Pakistan now, it’ll never come back to hurt us…”
4:46 — SYSTEMIC FAILURE. The “anti-terrorism” apparatus is broken, he basically says. Which makes sense, because homeland security is technically “domestic” policy, and we tend to ignore that stuff.
4:47 — THE BUCK STOPS WITH ME! There’s your bone, cable news. Have fun! CNN POLL: Should Obama be shot to the moon for accepting blame for this?
4:48 — Says he will beef up “defense at home” (assault rifles for ACORN militias) but — and this is the best part! — WE MUST BE SURE NOT TO FREAK OUT. Hmm, thought we crossed that line when we started drawing up bombing plans for Nigeria and Algeria earlier this week.
4:49 — Oh ha he’s done.
4:49 — Janet Napolitano is now talking from somewhere else, presumably giving all of the so-called “details” of the report Obama was tangentially referring to. CNN obviously cuts *that* off right away, so viewers can watch David Gergen deliver his political verdict.
4:50 — Some mustache guest on CNN demands a Global Summit to rewrite terror rules, because we all know how good the world’s body of nations are at agreeing to successful, binding resolutions. Did you hear that they ended global warming last month, in Europe?
4:50 — Nevermind, we lied, Janet Napolitano has actually not started speaking yet. But it’s still safe to assume that CNN will interrupt her for David Gergen’s next verdict, about anything.
4:51 — CNN guest: “I’d just like to make a point about 9/11…” OK, LIVEBLOG OVER.
4:52 — Summary: Obama pretends to take the blame, but obviously he is making Janet Napolitano take the blame, by having her actually cite THE SPECIFIC FAILURES in a separate room.
Here’s what we would like to hear, in a country of Adults: We have NINETY ACTIVE WARS against the Muslims now. PEOPLE DON’T LIKE BEING BOMBED. We are a free society and cannot produce total security. 2,000 of us should expect to die every year in terrorist attacks, so just deal with it, you dingbats…
Read More:
- Liveblogging the Apotheosis of St. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries), Part III
- Liveblogging the Apotheosis Of St. Michele Bachmann Of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries), Part II
- Liveblogging the Apotheosis Of St. Michele Bachmann Of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries)
- Single Comical, Failed Underpants Bomber Rewrites Entire Government Agenda
- Smaller Budgets! Bigger Lapel Ribbons!: SOTU Liveblog Part II
{ 77 comments }
Hey, thats kiddie pron, up there, you better watch out, preverts.
Just as long as he says ‘terror’ 10 or 20 times I’m good with it.
Didn’t DOh!bama get the memo to stop going on teevee all the time talking about he fucked up again?
Obama announced that he has put himself on the no-fly list since he has a suspicious name and looks “shady”.
REFORMS!!!!
Okay, I’m still an O-bot and all, but even I kinda wish he would just come out and say, “You know what? No one died. Chill the fuck out. If we lose our shit every time someone straps a firecracker to their cock, we’ll never get anything done, and, yes, the terrorists will have one. Jesus, quit pissing yourselves over stupid shit.”
He’s not doing that. I’m disappointed. I must be a racist.
priceless alt-text
If ever there was one, this is a live(war)blog where the parenthesesesses are entirely optional.
Dry since Sunday, I need beer.
FUJCK HOLLAND
This all sounds very thorough and adult. Why are we projecting weakness at such a time?
So we’ll keep making flying more horrible but the terrorists will keep up with our measures.
WHERE’S THE HYPERBOLE?!?!?! I WAS TOLD THERE WOULD BE HYPERBOLE!!!
All this reasonable shit about measured steps to improve communication and doing analysis is not feeding my jones for FREAKING THE FUCK OUT ABOUT MUSLINS!!!
No, this clearly won’t work:
1) He’s using full sentences, complete with subjects, predicates, and clauses. This only emboldens terrorists.
2) I just heard an entire “terrorism” free paragraph, a definite sign that the President is not serious about “terrorism” (that is, saying the word).
3) Not a single wardrum in sight. How the hell can you bang the wardrum if there aren’t any wardrums to be found?
No one is to blame, everyone is.
Oh, Barry just said “We are at war”. I think that means the terrorists (see Cheney, Dick & Cheney, Liz) have won.
BOMB THE DUTCH!
[re=491010]Cicada[/re]: He’s black, and he’s president, how much more can he scare people than that?
[re=491010]Cicada[/re]: If you wanted to freak out about Muslins, you shouldn’t have elected one!
Dear President Obama,
A slight change in your job duties bro.
You will from now on – be at every security check point, in every airport on the planet. Figure out how to do that.
You will from now on – have to check out every person boarding a plane at the GATE, and cuff anyone that looks “suspicious”. Figure out how to do that.
You will from now on – be on every plane as a secret air marshal, and cuff anyone acting suspiciously. Yes, figure out how to do that.
Oh, btw, none of your prior duties have been relinguished.
You’re still responsible for: world peace, world economic prosperity, the worlds health care, and don’t forget – Tiger’s fidelity problems.
YOU CAN DO IT BRO!
Sincerely,
Proudgrampa
Ah there’s the stuff. WE’RE AT WAR!!! AL QUAEDA WANTS TO KILL US!!! MISERY AND DEATH!!!!
But booooo! He’s emphasizing communication and respect, not bombs.
Quit being an APPEASER Barry! An APPEASER!!!!!!
I hereby volunteer (at government expense) to go to Amsterdam and live, spending time in the airport (posing as a stoner) and will point out any suspicious looking people or even any I find comical. Also good looking chicks.
Barry’s directing separate the bureacrazies of his administration to coordinate better. No way that can fail. Maybe he should appoint a couple of Coordinate Czars, and they could immediately start squabbling over office space.
That was totally amateur hour. If we had a real president like Rudy, that speech would have been, “Terrorist, terrorism, terror911sm terror, 911, 911, terrorism terror, terrorist 911, terror, 911, terror, 911.” and everything would instantly be better after.
He said we weren’t going to have the American character defined by a small group of men intent on killing innocent men, women and children. I’m cheered that we’re finally prosecuting Dubya for war crimes.
So, which country are we invading?
Yes, the “the intelligence community will “follow leads’ now.” These are the same people who never heard of triple agents.
[re=491011]I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO[/re]: He’s from Kenya. The war drum is a given. Showing them off would be overkill. Like those May Day parades the Ruskies used to run.
Torturing and killing all the Muslims is the only prudent and sensible course of action and until that happens NObama has the fag.
Has he mentioned that we have always been at war with Eurasia yet?
I haven’t felt this safe since we told little old ladies they couldn’t bring their knitting needles and cans of Ensure on the airplanes.
Since I’m not watching it, did FOX have a “terrorist” meter to count up how many times he said the word to show whether or not he sufficiently said it enough times? And are all the pundits now on TV discussing the various ways Obama didn’t show emotion and how much better it would have been if he jutted around in a flight suit?
Perhaps they should enlist Dick Cheney to give an opposing view? JUST SHOOT EVERYONE IN THE FACE, says the Dick of Death.
[re=491034]Hooray For Anything[/re]: FoxNews.com has a ‘who should be fired’ poll.
Oh shiz, NPR just led with the “buck stops with me” line. Is Jim Newell psychic or are news outlets that sad and predictable?
[re=491030]rottenart[/re]: What? I thought we had always been at war with Eastasia. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzttt
[re=491001]I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO[/re]: You are hereby hired as speechwriter.
[re=491043]Cicada[/re]: Both
My cockbomb is available for all who care to ask to see it, no fancy X-Ray gadgets required.
Obama: “As President of the Untied States, the Buck stops with me. Therefore, I will immediately resign the office of the Presidency. Allahu Akbar, and good night.”
Ha ha ha ha ha…Chris Matthews just managed to slam Cheney & Politico at the same time. That dude’s been on fire lately; I’m getting a thrill up my leg (okay, not really but I do like a snarky Chris Matthews).
Sorry that this liveblog was so unfunny and terrible. I couldn’t stop thinking about that sexy walrus…
“in a country of Adults”? WTF? Maybe after the teabaggers seceed.
[re=491053]Jim Newell[/re]: I wonder if Limbaugh can do that.
Because Barack Obama did not say the following things:
“Terrah!”
“Smoke ‘em out”
“Mission Accomplish”
“Way to Go Napolitano”
“Fool Me twice, won’t get fooled again.”
“Iran”
“Death from above”
His entire speech was a failure, and the rest of the world is laughing at all of us.
[re=491050]Mr Blifil[/re]: It used to be that you couldn’t say “bomb” on a plane. Now you can’t say “cock” on a plane either without getting put in airport jail. Sheesh.
[re=491057]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: He didn’t unroll any banners either. Major FAIL.
[re=491046]Ducksworthy[/re]: I think we can both rest safely know that we have always been at war with…
[re=491056]chascates[/re]: Nope. Because he IS a Walrus.
*rimshot*
Does this mean we will be bombing Yemen with all the wooden shoes we take from the Dutch? International politics is confusing.
[re=491058]hedgehog[/re]: And don’t even think about trying to join the Mile High Club.
[re=491022]chascates[/re]: “Posing” as a stoner? In Amsterdam? Uh huh. Here’s your check.
You know, if only President Obama would turn to Christianity, he would be so much more popular, and no one would care about terrorist stuff anymore.
[re=491053]Jim Newell[/re]: I didn’t think it was so bad. You were nervous and it had been a while.
Obama should levy a 10 million pound fine against the Dutch, payable in weed.
SAo how was the stagecraft? Did he present some good optics? The press needs to know.
[re=491056]chascates[/re]: Maybe. With the right pills.
[re=491001]I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO[/re]: I kinda wish he would just come out and say, “You know what? No one died. Chill the fuck out. If we lose our shit every time someone straps a firecracker to their cock, we’ll never get anything done
That is it, in a nutshell. The only way the YEW ESS AY can ever beat the terrists is by reaching the point where their wacky antics no longer bother us. I’m hopeful we’ll get there someday.
(So Mr. Des Gruntledemployee, of St. Louis, MO brought his gun to work today and mowed down 8 or ten of his fellows? Meh. Same ol’ same ol’.) Something along those lines.
Helen Thomas has totally given up…showing up in a tracksuit? Girl, please.
Guy fails to blow up a plane and mutilates himself in the attempt: The Nation goes hysterical. Meanwhile, in Afghanistan, the 5 top CIA people who were experts in trying to smoke out Bin Laden and his henchmen all get killed by a double (triple?) agent. Massive yawn! I don’t get it!
[re=491053]Jim Newell[/re]: What are you talking about? That was a quality live-blog. I didn’t even watch and yet I feel as though I had been wedged into the front row hard up against Helen Thomas. Not to mention the sexy-time beach cartoon you thoughtfully included. Yummers.
Wow, Jim, such righteous indignation! That last paragraph sounds almost Layneian.
I missed it on purpose. I had the feeling it would amount to pandering to the lowbrows… who should be stuffed into a trash compactor instead.
Hey! Want to have fun and feel better about yourself? Cruise on over to Red State and have a look at the the comments there on this very same event.
Congratulations! You’re different from them. You don’t have brain damage (or at least not so much.)
And finally, how long has that gay conservative patriot bird been dead? That is definitely Not and healthy eagle.
Why is Bo Obama peeping up the cute chute of Taylor Swift? Is he barking, “Ima let you finish, but Underoo Abouttapullatab is the greatest Panty Bomber of all time”?
Excellent analysis, Newell, except less than 100 US Americans should expect to die each year from terrorism, worldwide, excluding occupation troops, not 2,000. I dunno why people aren’t sharting the bed over car wrecks; they’re about 200 times more likely to kill you than terrorism.
Tell us how airline terrorism was four times deadlier in the ’80s, Nate Silver.
2,000 of us should expect to die every year in terrorist attacks, so just deal with it, you dingbats…
Well the military industrial complex and Donald Rumsfeld would just call it ‘collateral damage” and wouldn’t have a problem with it!
[re=491057]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: “Nookyooler”
Holland is the new France
Okay so the underwear bomber (I don’t care how many times I say it, the childish jokes just keep coming to mind) and his crispy dick have been bagged and tagged. The Republican response to Obama? hang onto your butts! “It’s all his fault! it’s all his fault! the negra’s gonna git us all killed! run for yer lives! 9/11, 9/11!, Terrorism, Terrorism, Terrorism!” and that’s just ruditha guiliani. Seriously though, hilarious. These guys will blame Obama for anything and everything and nothing he does will ever be right; he can’t even blame HIMSELF the right way (“why does the President look so arrogant when he accepts blame? soshialist!”). Yes, I suspect Obama could say orally taints is right and he’s really a kenyan and the GOP would STILL oppose him.
With lots and lots of exclamation points, also.
Baloney! He didn’t burn his penis.
That was just a cover, to hide the fact that he had lost it down the throat of an imam on his last visit to the mosque.
[re=491139]Come here a minute[/re]: I hate to admit it, but I had thought of that, but wasn’t sure of the proper Bushian spelling. Thank you.
Wow, he takes responsibility for the fuck up! When was the last time a President did that? Oh, right, Truman.
Can’t we just bomb the shit out of everyone?
[re=491246]Diana Davies[/re]: That loses impact after the second time or so.
People are missing the point. It was never this cold when Bush was president. Why isn’t Obama getting hammered on his inability to keep America warm? This is an outrage! The bomber thingy is a diversion from the true issue in America which is that we are all freezing our butts off!
[re=491414]Mr. Truthy[/re]:
Obama’s Global War On Global Warming (GWOGW) is working! Kudos to him!
[re=491001]I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO[/re]:
I’m so confused! What will the terrorists have one of?
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