NATION OF PUSSIES  2:11 pm January 5, 2010

by Jim Newell

Pat down his britches, MaAGAIN, WE MUST NOT OVERREACT TO ONE FAILED UNDERPANTS DIME-BAG COCKBOMBER: “In addition to affecting people from Yemen, Nigeria, Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia, all citizens from such countries as Lebanon, Libya, Iraq, Pakistan and Somalia must receive a pat down and an extra check of their carry-on bags before boarding a plane bound for the United States, officials said. Citizens of Cuba, Iran, Sudan and Syria — nations considered ‘state sponsors of terrorism’ — face the same requirement.” It’s America’s Plan For Making New Friends! We will have so, so many New Friends. [NYT]

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AnnieGetYourFun January 5, 2010 at 2:13 pm

Cockbomber… that has seriously made my day all the sunnier. Well, drearier, because I like the dreary, but you know what I mean.

memzilla January 5, 2010 at 2:15 pm

Of course, at SFO, the complaints will be about TSA not doing enough of a thorough patdown.

V572625694 January 5, 2010 at 2:16 pm

This is why they love us so much!

Aurelio January 5, 2010 at 2:16 pm

I think the TSA feel-up crew should get a raise for this. It’s a huge workload increase.

Chernobyl Soup January 5, 2010 at 2:18 pm

Robinson at WaPo has already opined in the absurdity of having Cuba on the list. So, what he said.

ForTheTurnstiles January 5, 2010 at 2:19 pm

[re=489262]Aurelio[/re]: Oh, there will be some US Senators from Kentucky (at least one, the one lacking a chin) who will certainly be getting a raise out of these patdowns.

Asa Hawks January 5, 2010 at 2:20 pm

This seems like a very well thought out plan. What could possibly, POSSIBLY go wrong?

Jim89048 January 5, 2010 at 2:24 pm

[re=489255]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I prefer teabag bomber, but whatever.

freakishlystrong January 5, 2010 at 2:27 pm

So, basically, all the browns then. USA! USA!

snideinplainsight January 5, 2010 at 2:28 pm

All citizens from countries, such as Lebanon, Libya, Iraq, Pakistan and Somalia, Yemen, Nigeria, Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia, Mali, Odwalli, Maserati, Linguini, Timbuktu, Kalamazoo, The Brooklyn Zoo, Trinidaddi, Tobago, Tobacco, Taboggan, Robitussin, citizens of Emeritus, Tinntinnitus, St. Vitus, St. Sabastian’s, St. Kinnison’s, Cashmere Sweater, Siberian Khatru, and the Hindu Kush.

norbizness January 5, 2010 at 2:28 pm

Let’s hope they never extract any explosive material out of underpants-urine or we’re all fucked.

norbizness January 5, 2010 at 2:29 pm

P.S. I like the “Gay? Conservative? What the Fuck’s Wrong With You?” ad.

Lascauxcaveman January 5, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Somebody’s gotta say it: مرحبا بك في أميركا!

steverino247 January 5, 2010 at 2:31 pm

Cockbomber? So this makes TSA screeners Cockblockers?

[re=489267]Jim89048[/re]: That was brilliant!

queeraselvis v 2.0 January 5, 2010 at 2:32 pm

[re=489270]snideinplainsight[/re]: You forgot the solid folk from Klaatu, Barada, and Nikto.

SayItWithWookies January 5, 2010 at 2:32 pm

[re=489255]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: So a day with sunshine is like a day without sunshine?

And now that RyanAir guy, who everybody was ridiculing for wanting to make his airline’s commodes pay toilets, looks kinda smart — security-minded and forward-thinking and all that.

V572625694 January 5, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Which job is worse?

(1) Sitting in a booth looking at grainy B&W images of genitals
(2) Groping the genitals of random passengers

How long will it be before a TSA employee (or their foreign-airport counterpart) freaks out? Look around at the airport. How many fellow-passengers’ privates would you like to see or touch? For eight hours a day?

chascates January 5, 2010 at 2:35 pm

Can we just get Lindsey Graham to smell everyone’s underwear instead?

BobTheBuilder January 5, 2010 at 2:36 pm

Is it gonna be a reacharound or full frontal?

Come here a minute January 5, 2010 at 2:36 pm

Pat downs are fine for our old friends, but new friends should be greeted with a firm handshake.

V572625694 January 5, 2010 at 2:37 pm

[re=489275]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: مضحك جدا ، كافر!

iwillsavethispatient January 5, 2010 at 2:37 pm

[re=489270]snideinplainsight[/re]: #”I didn’t start the fire…”

Luckily the terrorists will have no idea to get around the nationality problem… Wasn’t the shoe-bomber British?

Lascauxcaveman January 5, 2010 at 2:39 pm

[re=489282]V572625694[/re]: Which job is worse?

(1) Sitting in a booth looking at grainy B&W images of genitals
(2) Groping the genitals of random passengers

As a former screener, I’d have to say the touching one is worse. Back then, it was always old guys who couldn’t go through the metal detectors because of their pacemakers.

Every now and then you’d get one who was enjoying the pat-down a little too much.

PrairiePossum January 5, 2010 at 2:39 pm

Will the airlines impose a groping surcharge to cover the costs of providing this service to their passengers?

I think TSA should buy the groped tourists cocktails and sandwiches on the flight. It is rude to expect our visitors to put out without buying them dinner and a drink.

teebob2000 January 5, 2010 at 2:40 pm

Oh, great. Now we’re got a frickin icosagon of evil!!

Jim Newell January 5, 2010 at 2:42 pm

[re=489290]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: No, silly. British people are white.

Hooray For Anything January 5, 2010 at 2:43 pm

[re=489282]V572625694[/re]: I don’t think most people with TSA would care that much as it’s a job and it appears that increased airport security is the only jobs program plan that Republicans would support. Maybe Obama should get sneaky and call for several million new airport friskers as a way of cutting unemployment in half.

Aurelio January 5, 2010 at 2:44 pm

[re=489275]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: There should be a subhead that reads, والآن نستطيع أن نرى وأنت

Aurelio January 5, 2010 at 2:46 pm

[re=489298]Aurelio[/re]: I forgot the most important part:
والآن نستطيع أن نرى جهودكم ملابس داخلية

Aurelio January 5, 2010 at 2:48 pm

[re=489301]Aurelio[/re]: Which means, “Now can we see your underwear?”

Snarkalicious January 5, 2010 at 2:48 pm

Any chance we could alter those full body scans to super-impose the face of the Prophet Muhammad on every passanger? Then we could print copies so everybody gets a souvenir!

foulmouthed mrscreant January 5, 2010 at 2:49 pm

[re=489282]V572625694[/re]: There are fringe benefits to the job.

notreallyhelping January 5, 2010 at 2:51 pm

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
And have them grab their ankles.

Snarkalicious January 5, 2010 at 2:53 pm

[re=489303]Snarkalicious[/re]: Learn to spell ‘passenger’ you chode-smoking infidel.

Monsieur Grumpe January 5, 2010 at 2:56 pm

When the Anal Bomber makes a go at it I will quit flying.

stew January 5, 2010 at 2:59 pm

What if we started requiring people to wear their underwear on the OUTSIDE like in that Woody Allen movie? We could save the world and reduce skid marks at the same time!

Zulu January 5, 2010 at 3:06 pm

queeraselvis v 2.0: No “A” list of terrists would be complete without the rogue states of Topi-lopi, Moli, Kreketeh and Zambodium

gjdodger January 5, 2010 at 3:07 pm

I believe Nike is now a “State Sponsor of Terrorism”. They needed something to replace Tiger Woods.

user-of-owls January 5, 2010 at 3:08 pm

Could everyone just pause for a moment and consider what this policy actually looks like in terms of implementation. The US government is telling countries that it has designated as STATE SPONSORS OF FUCKING TERRORISM that they sure as heck better pat down anyone passing through their airports on the way to our country.

I mean…oh god, I don’t even know what to say.

JMP January 5, 2010 at 3:14 pm

[re=489270]snideinplainsight[/re]: I don’t trust a list of state sponsors of terrorism that doesn’t include Latveria, Deviant Lemuria or Atlantis. It’s especially galling, since the wignuts have discovered that all terrorists are apparently supervillians, we ignore nations with known supervillians or anti-heroes as rulers.

Aurelio January 5, 2010 at 3:15 pm

[re=489323]user-of-owls[/re]: I think you are missing the point. State sponsors of terrorism are best able to identify terrorists, because they know who they are.

This is the same reason why we picked Tim Geithner to be Treasury Secretary.

dijetlo January 5, 2010 at 3:17 pm

After the pat down, will there be cigarettes and cuddling for business class or will you need to get a 1st class ticket for that kind of service?

nutcracker January 5, 2010 at 3:20 pm

[re=489270]snideinplainsight[/re]: Don’t forget the far-flung Isles of Langerhans.

nutcracker January 5, 2010 at 3:24 pm

Am I the only one who thinks there was no actual attempt to blow up the plane? I just think the whole idea was to create more problems for airlines, airports, and screeners, and to put another drag on the economy.

McDuff January 5, 2010 at 3:28 pm

TSA should hire the British bobbie who frisked me when I visited Parliament — we both had to step outside and have a fag afterwards.

Mr Blifil January 5, 2010 at 3:29 pm

My Cock
My Cock
My Cock is on FIRE
We don’t need no water let the motherfucker BURN

user-of-owls January 5, 2010 at 3:30 pm

[re=489330]Aurelio[/re]: Ah, good point! So when security ID’s one of their own, is the pat down just cover for slipping a few bills in Omar Q. Terrorist’s pocket for ‘bombing around money’?

Mr Blifil January 5, 2010 at 3:33 pm

[re=489340]nutcracker[/re]: Well I’m obsessed by this topic, so I’ll jump in where I’m not wanted. You don’t attempt to set off a bomb or incendiary on a crowded plane on final approach. Even Richard Reid was smart enough to try it at altitude, where a small explosion is all that’s needed to cause massive catastrophic loss of aircraft. In normal cabin pressure, below altitude, a small explosion won’t have the same impact, though I’d rather not be on board when that technique is put to the test…

dijetlo January 5, 2010 at 3:41 pm

[re=489332]dijetlo[/re]: Am I the only one who thinks there was no actual attempt to blow up the plane?

If he’d managed to ignite all the explosive simultaneously it would have gone “boom”, probably with insufficient force to breach the hull of the jetliner, though it would have scattered burning chunks of explosive in all directions.
There isn’t a way to stop this kind of thing, as many people have pointed out, the human body has a number of different places to secret 80 grams of a foreign substance. You can even swallow it and on a long flight um…retrieve is with the aid of a laxative so I’d say your right and don’t expect this to be the last time we have this kind of event.
We told them to “bring it on”….they’re just bringing it.

Manos: Hands of Fate January 5, 2010 at 3:45 pm

Can anyone from Cuba even fly to the US? Do they even have muslims?

Bruno January 5, 2010 at 3:50 pm

are the French-Lebanese types included or just the Arab-Lebanese types.

user-of-owls January 5, 2010 at 3:53 pm

[re=489366]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: They got loads of ‘em, but they all seem to prefer living in one community out on the Southeastern tip of the island.

McDuff January 5, 2010 at 4:05 pm

[re=489366]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Cuba’s on the list to show that we’re not hating on just the Muslins.

maven January 5, 2010 at 4:27 pm

[re=489270]snideinplainsight[/re]: Siberian Khatru! Yes!

OrangeAlert January 5, 2010 at 4:36 pm

Cuba does seem kinda pointless…the only Muslims there tend to travel USAF Airlines (worst stewardess outfits EVAR.) Plus why go through all the security when you can get a first class gutted Chevy tricked out with stitched together rain coats?

Somalia seems odd as well since their transportation of choice seems to be other people’s boats.

And Saudi Arabia? Enjoy next year’s Hajj, millions of potential Freedom Haters from every frigging country in the world.

OrangeAlert January 5, 2010 at 4:39 pm

[re=489361]dijetlo[/re]: They’re also pretending the butt bomber from Saudi Arabia used underwear as well. His was a Semtex(tm)Brand Suppository and he got into the same room as their main “anti-Terror” guy.

OrangeAlert: Grammar fail, mang.

AnnieGetYourFun January 5, 2010 at 5:11 pm

[re=489275]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Wow, I can actually still fucking read that, after all these years.

[re=489280]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Exactly. Fuck vitamin D.

bitchincamaro January 5, 2010 at 5:43 pm

Here’s a thought: Install “bubblerooms” adjacent to every security gateway; “man” them with strippers. As in all strip-joints, you may be touched, but you may not touch. Violators and bomb-laden airheads will be bounced by “Noodles” the 400 pound, pea-brained Neandrafuck G-man. Safety and eroticism FTW!

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