When Katie Couric “scored a victory for women” by taking over the CBS Evening News in 2006, no one trusted her ability to deliver the news without going on long asides about shopping or breast-feeding or whatever else it is that women talk exclusively about. So Walter Cronkite recorded a voiceover to introduce her broadcast every night, just so people knew she had Man’s Permission to hold such a job. But then he died last year and this recording became very awkward and Too Soon.
The CBS has solved this problem by paying famous deep-voice person Morgan Freeman to record a new intro for Katie Couric, so people will know they are still allowed to trust this woman with the Evening News and her ability to read off a teleprompter.
[Gawker]
{ 54 comments }
Shoulda been Samuel L. Jackson: “WHAT… DOES KATIE COURIC… LOOK LIKE??!!”
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/marcellus_wallace
Is he going to intone “Alas, some may die,” like he did eight thousand times in March of the Penguins, to let us know that we were about to see a little penguin chick freeze to death in a howling blizzard or get bitten in half by a leopard seal? I’d watch that.
I heard they only had Walter do the voice-over because Bobcat Goldthwaite wasn’t available.
Shit, there goes the neighbourhood. First, a black president and now this!
Is there a chapter on web site design?
…Oh wait, wrong black dude.
Katie should lip-sync Freeman’s intro every night while wearing a 12-inch strap-on. Now THAT would be perky!
A word to the wise: You want to be taken srsly and treated like a groanup? Drop the “ie” from Katie?
Katie could start wearing one of the fake beards from http://www.imadeyouabeard.com (example photos at http://www.flickr.com/photos/imadeyouabeard/) She’d probably have to stuff a rolled up sock down the front her slacks to really pull it off.
This would make her an official, honorary man, and then she could tell folks to f*** Cronkite and Freeman too.
Kat Couric?
Was Tom Waits unavailable?
Try saying “Kat Couric” three times fast.
I never noticed before, WhiskeyTangoFoxtwat with Katie’s ear? It’s a mutant auricle.
[re=488787]memzilla[/re]: I would watch if they had Samuel L. Jackson say, “Enough is ENOUGH! I’ve HAD it with this motherfuckin’ Katie Couric on this motherfuckin’ network!”
Doesn’t CNN use James Earl Jones to do ‘This… Is CNN’? As a white person, I am getting very concerned. Anyone seen the birth certificates of any of these people??
[re=488801]germansteel[/re]: Kat?
Thulsa Doom: TAKE HIM TO THE TREE OF WOE
[re=488787]memzilla[/re]: [re=488813]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Better yet, he could say, “Katie Couric might taste like white pumpkin pie, but that don’t mean ya gotta listen to the Mother Fucker.”
[re=488815]kenboy[/re]:
Kate (if that is her name) or Katherine or whatever….
Morgan Freeman?
They couldn’t get Lemmy?
@germansteel: Her name is Katherine Anne. She got her career start when she was sucked into a TV set by poltergeists as a child. She has remained there ever since, delighting America.
Morgan “Shawshanks” Freeman is a black muslin adulaterer like Tiger ‘OBAMASAMA’ Bretton-Woods, henceforth totally apropos for Gotcha Journalist and Colon-Health Hack (WHY DO YOU HATE POLYP FREEDOM, KATIE?) and Noted “Elaine from Seinfeld” Dancer Katie Kommie Kouric.
OK. Who should do Diane Sawyer’s intro?
[re=488858]chascates[/re]: Bruce Buffer
[re=488858]chascates[/re]: Elaine May: “Hello, America? This is your news anchor. Do you remember me?”
[re=488814]slavojzizek[/re]: Don’t worry. Michael Douglas introduces Brian Williams on NBC so the coloreds haven’t completely taken over.
[re=488801]germansteel[/re]: Heh, my mother very pointedly changed me from Katie to Kate when I started high school. When I asked why this version that had never been used to refer to me before was suddenly the norm, she told me that Katie was a child’s name and I was a young woman. Ever since that day, “Katies” over 15 have made me wince.
Couldn’t they get that guy from the 70s who did the 7-up commercials and let out a fiercesome chuckle? I think this is the same actor from that lame Roger Moore James bond where guys in Harlem refer to whitey as “honkeys”
Easy “Major Network Newscast Bumper” Reader, that’s his name!
Uhn! Uhn! Uhhhhn!
[re=488871]Bruno[/re]: Godfrey Cambridge? “The UN-Cooooolllaaaaa…”
Or was it Godfrey Daniels?
[re=488788]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Remember The Onion headline: “Morgan Freeman Narrating Uncontrolably?”
Meanwhile, Siemens is back – in the upper right-hand corner…Uh-Oh!
[re=488835]Radiotherapy[/re]: OK, I’ll go with that. I like the idea that Sam Jackson tasted Katie Couric.
Hey, gotta give Kat(i)e Couric some love here people. She’s the one who suffered through the “OMG a WOMAN as NEWS ANCHOR we’re all DOOMED, the feminazis have finally gone TOO far! Can’t wait to see her fall on her stupid female ass!” sexist horseshit, only to turn around and beat out the blow-dried pompous self-important male mannequins by sweetly ripping the Exhibitionist from Wasilla a new one. So I for one appreciate Mr. Jim Newell’s subtle slams at the continuing perception that Couric needs a deep-voiced Male Voice of Authority intro to make any and/or all of the misogynist jackasses who still watch evening network news feel that maybe she’s at least as adequate to the job as Brian Williams or who the fuck ever.
Man, they blew this one. The clear choice was the Voice of God.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don_LaFontaine
uncle Walter couldn’t save Connie Chung.
Alas, Ernie “Ghoulardi” Anderson is no longer with us. “And now…heerrre’s Katie…on the Luuuuuv News!”
Katie Couric, crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side.
[re=488856]AbstinenceOnly Ed[/re]: It’s already nigh ten years since that on-air colonoscopic. I expect a retrospective. For Tom Green’s “Testicular Cancer Special”, also.
I mean, Christ, I was out of the country when they happened — studying in Spain — so I feel cheated of the experience.
Wait….I’m sorry, I’ve been distracted by an ad….there are gheys who are conservatives and they’re PROUD of it?
Jesus Christ, how rich do you have to be to just say, “naw, fuck it, I’m gonna be a part of the party that calls me a deviant pervert every chance they get because really, we need a cut in the capital gains tax.”
Man I would like to be that rich.
What’s fucked up is that his contract also calls for him to drive Katie to work every goddamn morning. WHY IS HE SO POLITE ABOUT IT?
I want a TOUGH Katie!
“Tonight I put my left stiletto up Cheney’s nose,
and later I bitch slap that Moose Nag from Wassila.”
I think she’d be alright IF SHE GOT ANGRY SOMETIMES.
“…shopping or breast-feeding or whatever else it is that women talk exclusively about.”
I know men aren’t supposed to talk about it, but I’ve always wondered how they do feed their breasts.
[re=488803]UncleTom[/re]: Nearly gave a heart attack from laughing so hard.
Thanks.
[re=488858]chascates[/re]: David Sedaris.
The Crumpet abides.
[re=488858]chascates[/re]: Must repeat because of that stupid, stupid intruding happydappyface inserted by Marlowe. [Lay off the fookin' Paxil and get a job.]
“OK. Who should do Diane Sawyer’s intro?”
Answer: David Sedaris.
The Crumpet abides.
I don’t know, I would think a show about breast-feeding, with lots of attractive women baring their assets and putting them to use, would be real popular with lots of men!
[re=488801]germansteel[/re]: I suspect that, not only will Katie will not drop the ie from her name, she dots the i with a smiley like the multitudes of Kiki’s, Mandi’s Candi’s et al. At mid-life our Katie is gonna milk this perkiness thing.
Do FUX news “x”-tians have to bend over to turn the other cheek?
“Come to Jesus, Tiger.”
Why, Brit? Do you have him in your pocket? Or is he locked up in one of those unused studios at Fux?
Why does Bill-o look like he is laughing at Brit?
Can you imagine having to clean the restrooms there, at their fine facility?
They must need two toilets, one in front…
Their big building glows so bright.
I would like to increase that ‘glow’ 1000% in .1 second.
Actually, Katie “scored a victory for women” when she exposed Sarah Palin as an empty headed fraud.
After that interview, we began to see what a vindictive, hateful, and then aagaain sheltered and protected nobody she really was.
“What do you read?”
“Anything they put in front of me.”
FUX should have just hired her at that moment.
[re=488955]sezme[/re]: WIN!
She does seem to be able to read the news now. When she first started she wouldn’t pause or change intonation between stories, which made it difficult for me to work out what she was talking about.
They should have used Fran Drescher.
[re=488955]sezme[/re]: That’s what women mean when they say they’re “eating for two.”
Use Jack Nicholson’s clip: And now, Katie Couric, unless YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! . . . most of the ones who can’t handle the truth are watching Fox.
[re=488858]chascates[/re]: Billy May.
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