INSIDE JOBS  9:59 am January 4, 2010

White House Garden Foods Used In Cooking Competition At The White House, Which Was Won By White House Chef!

by Sara K. Smith

'Chiffonade this shit or it's off to Guantanamo.'Persons familiar with the Iron Chef competition, which is a thing where cooks try to make whipped pike souffles with saffron mousse and venison dumplings in 20 minutes, were thrilled to find out that the White House would be somehow debase itself in conjunction with this competition last night on the teevee. So here was the deal: Michelle Obama invited four intrepid chefs to her House and demanded that they make a delicious meal for her using scraps from her magical garden. The entire affair was beneath the dignity of the White House, which in the past has hosted such luminaries as a soothsayer, a sweatered mummy, and a fornicating intern.

The contestants: White House chef Cristeta Comerford, a man called Bobby Flay, a large orange troll, and a Cajun hobbit. In the end, Comerford and Flay beat the troll and the hobbit by making a bunch of seafood dishes. (Question: RIGGED FOR THE HOME TEAM???) And this is exactly the way that the Philippines will quietly take over all of America: through healthful cookery involving lemongrass, fresh vegetables, and animals from the sea.

Filipina White House cook wins ‘Iron Chef’ [ABS-CBS North America]
Michelle Obama appears on ‘Iron Chef America’; ‘Worst Cooks in America’ premieres [Washington Post]

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JMP January 4, 2010 at 10:07 am

It looks like they rigged it by teaming the White House Chef with Flay; Batali’s probably the worst of the American Iron Chefs.

JadedDIssonance January 4, 2010 at 10:09 am

And when the Troll of Orangerie’s soufflé fell, a rousing chorus of “Off With His Head!” sprang up from the Corps of Press, to which the First Lady nodded sparingly and he was dragged to the Blue Room by his Crocs.

ManchuCandidate January 4, 2010 at 10:09 am

Michelle and Cristeta’s secret?

A cookbook called: To Serve Man.

Crow T. Robot January 4, 2010 at 10:11 am

Fish, and plankton. And sea greens, and protein from the sea!

Leopolt January 4, 2010 at 10:17 am

I watched it, it rocked, I thought Lagasse and Batalia had them. I blame ACORN on the outcome.

queeraselvis v 2.0 January 4, 2010 at 10:21 am

I didn’t watch, but I can guess the secret ingredient was Soylent Green, amirite?

Gopherit January 4, 2010 at 10:27 am

Strangely, they didn’t win with a traditional Kenyan dish.

Gopherit January 4, 2010 at 10:28 am

[re=488202]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: No. Soylent Green is made of people. Their secret ingredient was some stupid herd animal called a teabagger.

Gopherit January 4, 2010 at 10:30 am

[[re=488197]JMP[/re]: Oh, no. Bobby “Where’s my chipotle” Flay is a talentless hack. The end.

Lascauxcaveman January 4, 2010 at 10:30 am

I, for one, welcome our new Filipino chef overlords. Yum.

freakishlystrong January 4, 2010 at 10:30 am

I didn’t watch the Iron Chef, (though I love it), but the Iron alt text is the winner in my heart.

WIDTAP January 4, 2010 at 10:32 am

Highlight of the show is when the Secret Service tackled Emil after spicing the entree with a “Bam!”.

Rev. Peter Lemonjello January 4, 2010 at 10:33 am

I have yet to see any watermelon in this garden, as depicted by Dean Grose.

ManchuCandidate January 4, 2010 at 10:37 am

Or more commonly known as Oreo filling.

toooldtocare January 4, 2010 at 10:38 am

[re=488210]WIDTAP[/re]: ….that’s funny

S.Luggo January 4, 2010 at 10:42 am

I disapprove. How will this stop our skies from being filled with testes-flaming Nigerian Yeminis? How?

Unless ……

Sleeves January 4, 2010 at 10:45 am

[re=488202]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Soylent Green (Greuu!) was the theme ingredient presented by Chairman Koji. The secret ingredient, IIRC, was confidence yes confidence and nothing more than a few spoonfuls of ordinary LSD.

Terry January 4, 2010 at 10:45 am

I thought Batalli and Lagasse should have won, but then again I can’t stand even the mere sight of Bobby Flay. The White House Chef seems very nice and was highly capable. I did like how the three men seemed sort of blushy and school boyish in front of the White House and Michelle Obama.

Pithaughn January 4, 2010 at 10:49 am

You know who else had chefs prepare food commutatively? Idi Amin that is who.

Gopherit January 4, 2010 at 10:51 am

[re=488215]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Oreo in an obama thread? Well played.

S.Luggo January 4, 2010 at 10:53 am

Have that Filipina cook and Michelle Malkin ever been seen in the same place at the same time?
Just asking.

Mr Blifil January 4, 2010 at 10:54 am

Elvis would not have eaten any of that shit. I WANT MY PANTRY BACK!!1!

V572625694 January 4, 2010 at 10:54 am

Isn’t “whipped pike souffle” redundant? Now if it were walleye souffle…mmm!

Papas got a brand new teabag January 4, 2010 at 10:55 am

when Flay started his career, he used to say “chipoltee” like, non-stop. therefore he should die already.

and that frosted-tipped food-clown Guy Fieri needs to stop saying “marzzzcapone”.

Mr Blifil January 4, 2010 at 10:55 am

Alt-text fail. The correct caption reads: “How would you like to smell this bush?”

memzilla January 4, 2010 at 11:00 am

How can you have a Saffron Moose without Caribou Barbie?

Fuck Toad January 4, 2010 at 11:01 am

“It looks like they rigged it by teaming the White House Chef with Flay; Batali’s probably the worst of the American Iron Chefs.”

Not only do you slander Batali, but you do so by ranking him under Bobby Fucking Flay? Those are fighting words, sirrah. May you drown in an endless sea of mango-chipoltey salsa.

Oh hell to the no January 4, 2010 at 11:05 am

1. Emeril and Mario totally won.
2. Why did no one call it “barackli”?

Paterlanger January 4, 2010 at 11:10 am

Maybe they can do this again soon and send in the guy that just won the competition to be the new Iron Chef. A skinny, slightly blue skinned fellow with a bit of a British accent…I think his name is Mong Daal. I believe in you Mong, I beleeeeeve!

glamourdammerung January 4, 2010 at 11:13 am

ACORN rigged the vote!!111!!1!11

Carrie_Okie January 4, 2010 at 11:20 am

Anthony Bourdain or STFU.

S.Luggo January 4, 2010 at 11:34 am

[re=488233]memzilla[/re]: How? Add a bit more Trigg.

Terry January 4, 2010 at 11:40 am

One correction to the post. Emeril is actually a Portuguese hobbit who moved to New Orleans from New Bedford, MA.

MzNicky January 4, 2010 at 11:49 am

“sweatered mummy”? Oh Wonkette, you’ve saddened me so.

tootsieroll January 4, 2010 at 11:50 am

[re=488230]Mr Blifil[/re]: You owe me a new keyboard.

Mahousu January 4, 2010 at 11:53 am

What would be remarkable is if the White House hosted a non-fornicating intern.

hockeymom January 4, 2010 at 12:13 pm

[re=488234]Fuck Toad[/re]: Completely agree. Batali is the real deal and Emeril is under-appreciated (even Bourdain says so). Flay doesn’t come close.

Thank god we didn’t get Paula Deen or Rachel Ray. (though, they’re not really “real” chefs).

mamandesfilles January 4, 2010 at 12:14 pm

Anyone who watches Iron Chef knows that Bobby Flay has to win or he throws a tantrum..

hockeymom January 4, 2010 at 12:14 pm

[re=488253]Carrie_Okie[/re]: Now THAT would have been a show. He would have unclothed Michelle with his eyes within the first 30 seconds.

Berkeley Bear January 4, 2010 at 12:37 pm

[re=488197]JMP[/re]: BS. Flay is the absolute worst. He has exactly one note – BBQ and faux Mexican. The WH chef outclassed him by a mile. I suspect he’s only allowed on the show because he’s a big hack for the network – everyone else is better. Batali is a much more respected chef, his food knowledge is amazing, and he brings in things that hardly any chef in America uses (lardo is the food of the gods). Legasse can cook (even Bourdain has come around on that) but his one note approach – all NO, all the time – didn’t play to the secret ingredient of fresh and light. I also think the judging panel – 3 women, 2 of them superfit and the third high on veggies and gardens – favored the lighter approach of the Flay/Camerford.

Berkeley Bear January 4, 2010 at 12:40 pm

[re=488201]Leopolt[/re]: Sweet potato pie is, after all, a secret Afro-muslim plot to give whitey the itis and take over while we are all in a food coma. Especially once topped with browned meringue and a side of ice cream.

Lionel Hutz Esq. January 4, 2010 at 12:58 pm

How was the arugula?

And it can’t be a real Iron Chef unless one of the judges is a member of the lower house of parliament.

JooJoo Bee January 4, 2010 at 1:01 pm

Watermelon radishes. Ha ha.

sarcasticusername January 4, 2010 at 1:22 pm

i only have one thing to say about iron chef; bring back the original japanese version!

choinski January 4, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Seafood dishes? From the garden? Is Michelle a trout farmer?

Oh hell to the no January 4, 2010 at 2:19 pm

I find White House Chefs being in the public eye just boorish. The Great Ronald Reagan’s jellybean farmer was never seen nor heard, also.

not a witty name January 4, 2010 at 6:09 pm

Did anyone else actually read that Time article on the Reagan’s astrologer? Best part:

Since Reagan was born with Mercury in Capricorn, his “memory is excellent. Like the elephant, you never forget.”

lololol, things written in 1988.

schvitzatura January 4, 2010 at 8:39 pm

Dump Batali, Flay, Lagasse.

Pick up Trotter, Dufresne…

schvitzatura January 4, 2010 at 8:41 pm

Warty, slug-infested hell-mound rutabagas, artfully prepared by TV’s cuisi-tainment commis


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