'Chiffonade this shit or it's off to Guantanamo.'Persons familiar with the Iron Chef competition, which is a thing where cooks try to make whipped pike souffles with saffron mousse and venison dumplings in 20 minutes, were thrilled to find out that the White House would be somehow debase itself in conjunction with this competition last night on the teevee. So here was the deal: Michelle Obama invited four intrepid chefs to her House and demanded that they make a delicious meal for her using scraps from her magical garden. The entire affair was beneath the dignity of the White House, which in the past has hosted such luminaries as a soothsayer, a sweatered mummy, and a fornicating intern.

The contestants: White House chef Cristeta Comerford, a man called Bobby Flay, a large orange troll, and a Cajun hobbit. In the end, Comerford and Flay beat the troll and the hobbit by making a bunch of seafood dishes. (Question: RIGGED FOR THE HOME TEAM???) And this is exactly the way that the Philippines will quietly take over all of America: through healthful cookery involving lemongrass, fresh vegetables, and animals from the sea.

Filipina White House cook wins ‘Iron Chef’ [ABS-CBS North America]
Michelle Obama appears on ‘Iron Chef America’; ‘Worst Cooks in America’ premieres [Washington Post]

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  1. And when the Troll of Orangerie’s soufflé fell, a rousing chorus of “Off With His Head!” sprang up from the Corps of Press, to which the First Lady nodded sparingly and he was dragged to the Blue Room by his Crocs.

  2. [re=488202]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Soylent Green (Greuu!) was the theme ingredient presented by Chairman Koji. The secret ingredient, IIRC, was confidence yes confidence and nothing more than a few spoonfuls of ordinary LSD.

  3. I thought Batalli and Lagasse should have won, but then again I can’t stand even the mere sight of Bobby Flay. The White House Chef seems very nice and was highly capable. I did like how the three men seemed sort of blushy and school boyish in front of the White House and Michelle Obama.

  4. when Flay started his career, he used to say “chipoltee” like, non-stop. therefore he should die already.

    and that frosted-tipped food-clown Guy Fieri needs to stop saying “marzzzcapone”.

  5. “It looks like they rigged it by teaming the White House Chef with Flay; Batali’s probably the worst of the American Iron Chefs.”

    Not only do you slander Batali, but you do so by ranking him under Bobby Fucking Flay? Those are fighting words, sirrah. May you drown in an endless sea of mango-chipoltey salsa.

  6. Maybe they can do this again soon and send in the guy that just won the competition to be the new Iron Chef. A skinny, slightly blue skinned fellow with a bit of a British accent…I think his name is Mong Daal. I believe in you Mong, I beleeeeeve!

  7. [re=488234]Fuck Toad[/re]: Completely agree. Batali is the real deal and Emeril is under-appreciated (even Bourdain says so). Flay doesn’t come close.

    Thank god we didn’t get Paula Deen or Rachel Ray. (though, they’re not really “real” chefs).

  8. [re=488197]JMP[/re]: BS. Flay is the absolute worst. He has exactly one note – BBQ and faux Mexican. The WH chef outclassed him by a mile. I suspect he’s only allowed on the show because he’s a big hack for the network – everyone else is better. Batali is a much more respected chef, his food knowledge is amazing, and he brings in things that hardly any chef in America uses (lardo is the food of the gods). Legasse can cook (even Bourdain has come around on that) but his one note approach – all NO, all the time – didn’t play to the secret ingredient of fresh and light. I also think the judging panel – 3 women, 2 of them superfit and the third high on veggies and gardens – favored the lighter approach of the Flay/Camerford.

  9. [re=488201]Leopolt[/re]: Sweet potato pie is, after all, a secret Afro-muslim plot to give whitey the itis and take over while we are all in a food coma. Especially once topped with browned meringue and a side of ice cream.

  10. I find White House Chefs being in the public eye just boorish. The Great Ronald Reagan’s jellybean farmer was never seen nor heard, also.

  11. Did anyone else actually read that Time article on the Reagan’s astrologer? Best part:

    Since Reagan was born with Mercury in Capricorn, his “memory is excellent. Like the elephant, you never forget.”

    lololol, things written in 1988.

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