inside jobs

White House Garden Foods Used In Cooking Competition At The White House, Which Was Won By White House Chef!

'Chiffonade this shit or it's off to Guantanamo.'Persons familiar with the Iron Chef competition, which is a thing where cooks try to make whipped pike souffles with saffron mousse and venison dumplings in 20 minutes, were thrilled to find out that the White House would be somehow debase itself in conjunction with this competition last night on the teevee. So here was the deal: Michelle Obama invited four intrepid chefs to her House and demanded that they make a delicious meal for her using scraps from her magical garden. The entire affair was beneath the dignity of the White House, which in the past has hosted such luminaries as a soothsayer, a sweatered mummy, and a fornicating intern.

The contestants: White House chef Cristeta Comerford, a man called Bobby Flay, a large orange troll, and a Cajun hobbit. In the end, Comerford and Flay beat the troll and the hobbit by making a bunch of seafood dishes. (Question: RIGGED FOR THE HOME TEAM???) And this is exactly the way that the Philippines will quietly take over all of America: through healthful cookery involving lemongrass, fresh vegetables, and animals from the sea.

Filipina White House cook wins ‘Iron Chef’ [ABS-CBS North America]
Michelle Obama appears on ‘Iron Chef America'; ‘Worst Cooks in America’ premieres [Washington Post]

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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  • JMP

    It looks like they rigged it by teaming the White House Chef with Flay; Batali’s probably the worst of the American Iron Chefs.

  • JadedDIssonance

    And when the Troll of Orangerie’s soufflé fell, a rousing chorus of “Off With His Head!” sprang up from the Corps of Press, to which the First Lady nodded sparingly and he was dragged to the Blue Room by his Crocs.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Michelle and Cristeta’s secret?

    A cookbook called: To Serve Man.

  • Crow T. Robot

    Fish, and plankton. And sea greens, and protein from the sea!

  • Leopolt

    I watched it, it rocked, I thought Lagasse and Batalia had them. I blame ACORN on the outcome.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    I didn’t watch, but I can guess the secret ingredient was Soylent Green, amirite?

  • Gopherit

    Strangely, they didn’t win with a traditional Kenyan dish.

  • Gopherit

    [re=488202]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: No. Soylent Green is made of people. Their secret ingredient was some stupid herd animal called a teabagger.

  • Gopherit

    [[re=488197]JMP[/re]: Oh, no. Bobby “Where’s my chipotle” Flay is a talentless hack. The end.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I, for one, welcome our new Filipino chef overlords. Yum.

  • freakishlystrong

    I didn’t watch the Iron Chef, (though I love it), but the Iron alt text is the winner in my heart.

  • WIDTAP

    Highlight of the show is when the Secret Service tackled Emil after spicing the entree with a “Bam!”.

  • Rev. Peter Lemonjello

    I have yet to see any watermelon in this garden, as depicted by Dean Grose.

  • ManchuCandidate

    [re=488206]Gopherit[/re]:
    Or more commonly known as Oreo filling.

  • toooldtocare

    [re=488210]WIDTAP[/re]: ….that’s funny

  • S.Luggo

    I disapprove. How will this stop our skies from being filled with testes-flaming Nigerian Yeminis? How?

    Unless ……

  • Sleeves

    [re=488202]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Soylent Green (Greuu!) was the theme ingredient presented by Chairman Koji. The secret ingredient, IIRC, was confidence yes confidence and nothing more than a few spoonfuls of ordinary LSD.

  • Terry

    I thought Batalli and Lagasse should have won, but then again I can’t stand even the mere sight of Bobby Flay. The White House Chef seems very nice and was highly capable. I did like how the three men seemed sort of blushy and school boyish in front of the White House and Michelle Obama.

  • Pithaughn

    You know who else had chefs prepare food commutatively? Idi Amin that is who.

  • Gopherit

    [re=488215]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Oreo in an obama thread? Well played.

  • S.Luggo

    Have that Filipina cook and Michelle Malkin ever been seen in the same place at the same time?
    Just asking.

  • Mr Blifil

    Elvis would not have eaten any of that shit. I WANT MY PANTRY BACK!!1!

  • V572625694

    Isn’t “whipped pike souffle” redundant? Now if it were walleye souffle…mmm!

  • Papas got a brand new teabag

    when Flay started his career, he used to say “chipoltee” like, non-stop. therefore he should die already.

    and that frosted-tipped food-clown Guy Fieri needs to stop saying “marzzzcapone”.

  • Mr Blifil

    Alt-text fail. The correct caption reads: “How would you like to smell this bush?”

  • memzilla

    How can you have a Saffron Moose without Caribou Barbie?

  • Fuck Toad

    “It looks like they rigged it by teaming the White House Chef with Flay; Batali’s probably the worst of the American Iron Chefs.”

    Not only do you slander Batali, but you do so by ranking him under Bobby Fucking Flay? Those are fighting words, sirrah. May you drown in an endless sea of mango-chipoltey salsa.

  • Oh hell to the no

    1. Emeril and Mario totally won.
    2. Why did no one call it “barackli”?

  • Paterlanger

    Maybe they can do this again soon and send in the guy that just won the competition to be the new Iron Chef. A skinny, slightly blue skinned fellow with a bit of a British accent…I think his name is Mong Daal. I believe in you Mong, I beleeeeeve!

  • glamourdammerung

    ACORN rigged the vote!!111!!1!11

  • Carrie_Okie

    Anthony Bourdain or STFU.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=488233]memzilla[/re]: How? Add a bit more Trigg.

  • Terry

    One correction to the post. Emeril is actually a Portuguese hobbit who moved to New Orleans from New Bedford, MA.

  • MzNicky

    “sweatered mummy”? Oh Wonkette, you’ve saddened me so.

  • tootsieroll

    [re=488230]Mr Blifil[/re]: You owe me a new keyboard.

  • Mahousu

    What would be remarkable is if the White House hosted a non-fornicating intern.

  • hockeymom

    [re=488234]Fuck Toad[/re]: Completely agree. Batali is the real deal and Emeril is under-appreciated (even Bourdain says so). Flay doesn’t come close.

    Thank god we didn’t get Paula Deen or Rachel Ray. (though, they’re not really “real” chefs).

  • mamandesfilles

    Anyone who watches Iron Chef knows that Bobby Flay has to win or he throws a tantrum..

  • hockeymom

    [re=488253]Carrie_Okie[/re]: Now THAT would have been a show. He would have unclothed Michelle with his eyes within the first 30 seconds.

  • Berkeley Bear

    [re=488197]JMP[/re]: BS. Flay is the absolute worst. He has exactly one note – BBQ and faux Mexican. The WH chef outclassed him by a mile. I suspect he’s only allowed on the show because he’s a big hack for the network – everyone else is better. Batali is a much more respected chef, his food knowledge is amazing, and he brings in things that hardly any chef in America uses (lardo is the food of the gods). Legasse can cook (even Bourdain has come around on that) but his one note approach – all NO, all the time – didn’t play to the secret ingredient of fresh and light. I also think the judging panel – 3 women, 2 of them superfit and the third high on veggies and gardens – favored the lighter approach of the Flay/Camerford.

  • Berkeley Bear

    [re=488201]Leopolt[/re]: Sweet potato pie is, after all, a secret Afro-muslim plot to give whitey the itis and take over while we are all in a food coma. Especially once topped with browned meringue and a side of ice cream.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    How was the arugula?

    And it can’t be a real Iron Chef unless one of the judges is a member of the lower house of parliament.

  • JooJoo Bee

    Watermelon radishes. Ha ha.

  • sarcasticusername

    i only have one thing to say about iron chef; bring back the original japanese version!

  • choinski

    Seafood dishes? From the garden? Is Michelle a trout farmer?

  • Oh hell to the no

    I find White House Chefs being in the public eye just boorish. The Great Ronald Reagan’s jellybean farmer was never seen nor heard, also.

  • not a witty name

    Did anyone else actually read that Time article on the Reagan’s astrologer? Best part:

    Since Reagan was born with Mercury in Capricorn, his “memory is excellent. Like the elephant, you never forget.”

    lololol, things written in 1988.

  • schvitzatura

    Dump Batali, Flay, Lagasse.

    Pick up Trotter, Dufresne…

  • schvitzatura

    Warty, slug-infested hell-mound rutabagas, artfully prepared by TV’s cuisi-tainment commis

    Meh.