News Stories That Shaped The News: A Decade of Important Coverages (2000-2009)

Everybody will always remember exactly where they were and what they were doing when CNN put a Star Wars hologram on the teevee.

Runner-up: The day Three Men and a Baby had some beers somewhere, for controversy.

Everything became super-ironic, like all these white racists using "racist" to describe black people who had somehow stopped being slaves. WHO ALLOWED THIS? (It's not in the Constitution! Not the *real* one, anyways. Fucking Lincoln.)

Intern Riley got to fuck Wonder Woman at the Teabagger Rally! But Wonder Woman was really a man, and this did not technically "happen on teevee." : (

Oh hey Wolf Blitzer got himself a Twitter. 

Larry King got a Twitter, too .... 

 Larry Kingalso interviewed many important world leaders. And he "made bagels," too.

This dog, in America's South, was taught to hate a *specific* black person. That's different!

Ha, we wish! 

Did you know Barack Obama *bought* his wife, at the slave market? 

Let Fox News proclaim who is brave or whatever. At CNN, objectivity rules the day. (Probably only this day, at this one moment.)

CNN's Ed Henry won his Imaginary Pulitzer/Peabody the hard way: By consistently broadcasting (and Twatting) the most banal, idiotic bullshit. 

Who can forget the day George W. Bush Junior resigned? 

When Alex Pareene replaced Wolf Blitzer and movedThe Situation Roomto some Internet cafe that served alcohol, we were truly "A Nation Challenged."

Basically the Wonkette comedy website was on the CNN cable news every day.

When your Wonkette wasn't actually quotedon CNN, the CNN people were doing important stories like this dramatic coverage of the Iowa Caucus Riots of 2008. 

The news never stops on CNN ....

Never, ever stops ... 

And once cable news discovered "the web video," we could watch all the Hottest News right from our computer, such as, perhaps, 24 hours of 9/11 replay video every year forever.

CNN caught Dennis Hastert emerging from his graveyard lair. 

Oh yeah and there was that time CNN dingbat Kyra Phillips jabbered from the bathroom on a live mic while Bush jabbered his own inane nonsense. Never Forget.

Luckily, there was never a Terrorist Attack On America or anything of the sort, during the eight years when Bush was in the White House. Otherwise, well who knows?

Fox News asked important economic questions such as, "Is it better to fuck over the nation's remaining workers?" (Yes, obvs.)

In perhaps no other way did Fox News make its "fair & balanced reality" mark as in the realm of Math. Why stop at 100%? Because you're a fag? Well how about you STOP being a fag and START making as many percent as you want.

A good, conservative number for how much percent total there should be of something is 193. 193%. 

Wouldn't have been the 2000s withoutThe Politico, right? Because the 2000s fuckingsucked.

Whatever, just type "MUSLIN-LAND" and be done with it. 

Think about it: Would aRepublicanpolitician have an affair with alady?

But then how could this famous Democrat, boy-fucker Mark Foley, be a Democrat? 

Sorry for the repeat from our Decade In Funny Pictures post, but this one cannot be left out of the Top News Stories of Our Time feature.

OH MY GOD WHY IS THAT LITTLE GIRL EATING JERI THOMPSON'S DIAPHRAGM? 

Oh, and there was this.

This post was co-written/researched by Jim Newell, who somehow did not publish his version at the same moment your other editor was posting the same fucking thing.