#100: Craig Kilborn wasn’t the host of The Daily Show during this decade.
#99: Fred Thompson‘s presidential campaign. Ha ha, the “New Reagan.”
#98: Joe Lieberman never got to be Vice President.
#97: You know what didn’t even exist in any form before this decade? The iPod musical thing! It is nice to have such a thing, for listening to music. (But it’s not so nice when, say, you are taking a nice walk somewhere and a two-year-old political-news podcast comes up in shuffle — that is like being kicked in the nuts and then the guy vomits all over your head, and plus the guy is Rudy Giuliani.)
#96: Rudy Giuliani never got to be a senator, governor, Republican nominee for president, or actual president.
#95: The “Freedom Tower” is still not built, and maybe hopefully will never be finished.
#94: Sarah Palin didn’t get to be vice president, and had to “give back” all those fancy clothes.
#93: Hard drives have crazy big capacity now. What was a “good hard drive” in 1999, like 10 gigabytes?
#92: George Allen took his football and his horse and went home.
#91: Larry Craig took his toilet-stall hard-on and went home.
#90: But Diaperman David Vitter stayed in the Senate, ensuring that laughter would live on.
#89: Bob Dylan’s Theme Time Radio Hour proved that radio could still be awesome.
#88: Wacky comedy hip-hop rape-jokester youngster Al Franken not only beat that fucking slimeball Norm Coleman, but finally compensated America for that long dull Lizard-People recount by making Joe Lieberman cry in the Senate.
#87: “Warblogging.”
#86: Warblogging ended. (But the wars continue.)
#85: Mark Foley!
#84: Don Sherwood!
#83: Jeff Gannon!
#82: Even though it’s probably Too Late, all kinds of Hippie-Earth-Lover stuff like solar and wind power, pesticide-free food and casual lesbianism became Mainstream.
#81: If you have money, there is now an outpatient procedure to make your eyeballs no longer need glasses, through the miracle of widespread Medical Droids.
#80: Some of us in America have broadband Internet, for porn.
#79: You can get cash back at pretty much any supermarket, if you have a bank account and have money in that account.
#78: Few complain about the terrible scourge of rickets.
#77: No matter what stupid embarrassing fad you briefly embraced in decades past, it “came back into style” during the ’00s, so you don’t have to feel so fucking stupid anymore, because look at that asshole ….
#76: The Blingee.
#75: Ron Paul.
#74: The Ron Paul Blimp.
#73: Tea Party, Teabaggers, etc.
#72: Everyone is enjoying anal sex.
#71: There is basically video of whatever you think of, on the YouTube or one of its pornographic equivalents.
#70: That whole Harry Potter thing is pretty much over.
#69: Some lady knocked over the Nazi Pope.
#68: U2 could’ve released a LOT more records than they did.
#67: Leonard Cohen and his band played an awesome three-hour concert in just about every conceivable metropolitan area where there were people wanting to see a Leonard Cohen concert.
#66: Michael Chertoff didn’t get a chance to kill you and eat your heart.
#65: Nobody in the Bush Administration had heard of Atlanta, apparently.
#64: Barack Obama was elected president, which also means John WALNUTS! McCain and Sarah Snowbilly Palin did not occupy the White House.
#63: That’s all we’ve got.
May 27, 2012
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{ 121 comments }
You forgot the Snuggy.
#62 Mark Sanford and the return of the latin lover.
#61 Jenny Sanford learns how to use a Glock.
The US didn’t invade Iran, and Israel didn’t even bomb it?
The Washington Post is this close to bankruptcy?
Stephen Colbert gave the State of the Union address one year?
Lots of good stuff happened this decade.
This is a refreshing anodyne to your earlier post, Ken. Now I don’t feel like killing myself, but only in an ironic-sarcastic sense. You know what’d be really ironic? Two people who’ve never met killing themselves at the same time, so everybody’ll think it’s a terrorism. Awesome!, in a sarcastic ironic sense.
#60 Turns out the French were right
I shall remain grateful for #64 until such time as said #64 in fact does come to pass, at which time I will find some other, slightly less retarded, place to live.
#58 Whitehouse.org – the key source of Bush White House news for the foreign press – um… at least until the glorious dawn of Wonkette…
What about Vulva? (NSFW) . That’s gotta count for something, right?
Apologies to whomever posted the link first, but I don’t think Wonkette has given Vulva nearly the attention it deserves.
I think my PC in 1999 had something like 540 MB — I remember 2GB hard drives, but they were ridiculously expensive. Now you can hardly get a flash drive (Hey — #62!) with less than 10GB anywhere outside of a Cracker Jacks box.
# 57 – Orly Taitz upstages Sasha Baron Cohen.
[re=486477]Redhead[/re]: Sasha Baron Cohen isn’t Orly Taitz? Could have fooled me.
#56 – Looks like Mike Huckabee’s political career is dead; the conservatives now shun him, the liberals despise him, and the centrists….there are no stinking centrists! (#55)
[re=486474]rambone[/re]: No worries, Mate! Vulva for everybody! (‘cept me, I’m allergic to the stuff myself…)
What about the pancake painting person? THAT was awesome!
And John Edwards never made it to the White House. Can’t forget that.
What number are we on?
#55 — GOP.am and all things GOP.com, but mostly GOP.am
Phew, there for a minute I thought we were going to have to ready 100 things! But it looks like you do know you ADHD readership very well!
#54 William Boykin made a speech at one of those crazy fundi churches, while in full uniform, casting the war on terror in biblical terms. He was later elevated to Deputy Undersecretary of Defense for Intelligence by the Bush administration. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_G._Boykin
Am I stupid not to get #64, or just stupid for other reasons?
Err make it #65… see, stupid.
Oklahomans elected a Democrat as Governor in this century. And . . .
That’s all I got. Inhofe and Spooky Doktor Tom completely eclipse anything vaguely upbeat from the Dust Bowl.
The fucking blizzard of 2009′s Xmas hasn’t helped a damn thing, either.
Please join me in this simple prayer for the new decade: Please, Jeebus, let Inhofe and/or SDT be on utube having sex with a minor aged male. If you give us that, I will continue to teach Sunday School until I die.
#something: Carrie Prejean’s auto-erotic Christianity.
91.2
The Super Tuber.
http://www.foodgoat.com/031125tuber5.JPG
What? No Keyboard Cat? Who do you think played off G.W. Shrub and Emperor Palpatine?
#68 No complete global financial meltdown with worldwide chaos, out-of-control mobs, burning cities, complete breakdown of social order, etc. We’ll have to wait until 2012 for all that.
James Webb’s awesome response to some speech by Bush. It didn’t last, but for a minute it seemed like the Democrats were actually interested in moving things in a different direction.
Hope there’s someone in the Top 5 when I die, or I’ll go.
#62. Tea bagging as a movement?
#61. the Governator?
And definitely in the top two positions:
#2. Anything related to Perez Hilton
#1. Anything related to Paris Hilton
[re=486480]FunkyPalmettoBug[/re]: You know, that’s what I thought, until Taintz’s law partner/lover boy posted a longass e-mail online talking about their love affair (she ended it and he is heart broken, boohooo).
“You told me that night that we couldn’t sleep together or have sex anymore and that’s all been bad enough. You had re-awakened in my heart, body, and soul a hunger that I had allowed to die, a hunger for life and love and a woman’s companionship and touch. Without your voice, without your touch, without the feel of you beautiful smooth pale “blue-blooded” skin and the brightness of your eyes like bright flickering candles, ORLY, my life has gone dark indeed… You promised me a free place to live and free medical care so long as I lived in Rancho Santa Margarita and would be your ‘boy toy.’” (letter posted online)
Even Sasha Baron Cohen isn’t THAT good.
maybe it’s just my bad memory but i think i kinda liked craig kilborn on the daily show. was i the only one?
[re=486506]Redhead[/re]: Don’t be a playa’ hata’ Redhead.
#37 1/2 Fox News, Fair and Balanced
[re=486511]Sleeves[/re]: He was nailing Oily Taints. Does that really count as a player?
#61*: 61*
[re=486506]Redhead[/re]: Thank you so much I didn’t realize this whole thing was available, I had only read the choice cut that TPM pulled where the guy says that Orly dumped him for “federal reserve notes”, which I take is a way to blame the fed for his failed relationship.
#60 SCRIBD was invented, which is the best place to read loony pseudo-science, insane fringe politics, and indian business school homework online.
[re=486487]hoosiermama[/re]: Michael Steele’s abortive What Up? blog, holographic Michael Steele on GOP.com, Michael Steele beating an actual slave-owning plantation master to take over the GOP, Michael Steele’s media appearances, and Michael Steele generally….I assume these should all be somewhere above (below?) #50.
OT, but seriously: It’s snowing again and cold, cold, cold. IF I wanted to live in g**damn Montana, I would have moved there.
# Whatever: Hell and the Dust Bowl freeze over. Does this mean my prayer was answered? Anyone got a link to the video?
#53: LOL Cats.
#26: Mission Accomplished.
[re=486504]maven[/re]: Re #1: hey, [i]Repo!: The Genetic Opera[/i] kicked ass. Paris couldn’t act, could sing a little and did rock a leather bondage outfit, which was Good Enough.
#98.6: Princess Sparkle Pony. Bless you, dude. You made Condy’s hair bearable.
Don’t forget the creation of the Freedom Tray…
man #s 95 and 98 make me happy
There were so many Cocktober Rangers this decade. Why did none of them stand up, get tough, and live out their term out’n'proud? Their careers were over. You’d think they could just Man Up and tell their local concerned citizens league to shove it.
I can’t think of one (R) closet case that took the opportunity to metaphorically Stick It To The (their personal) Man.
In the long run, it would probably help that political party. “Alas!”
Michael Steele created the bitchin’ cool hip hop GOP. I don’t know what number that is.
#67 is such a downer. I tried, i really tired. My friend and I swallowed our disbelief and were ready to pay $180 apiece for crap seats to see him in Chicago.
In the ensuing three hours, the crap seats sold out.
I am saddened, but $180 less poor.
[re=486518]assistant/atlas[/re]: You are right, I should have been more specific! What Up? has to be the all-time best blog name and/or high school newspaper column title.
Dang, we’ll have to go to Dewey Decimals, now…
#47 “Let the Eagle Soar” and its brief reign on the pop charts.
I hate to tell you this but the ‘Coalition of the Willing’ would have bailed out on a McCain-Palin presidency. Even UK might skipped out of the various wars. I also do not see that M+P would have been any more bellicose.
Friends, I personally wanted to kill every last one of them, but when Slovakia pulled out, I knew it was time to pack up and leave.
Ummm….helllloooo….Trucknuts?
wolf blitzers got annihilated on jeopardies, that isn’t noteworthy, HEGH?
“Everyone is enjoying anal sex.”
Not as often as I’d like.
Twitter: Invented 2009.
Inventor murdered 2010.
Some people just NEED killin’.
#1 Trucknutz!!1!
If this were a Facebook status, I would “Like” it.
Don Imus getting bitch-slapped around for a while was pretty cool.
Full-body pretzel gagging made a brief appearance.
#27: Joe Wilson and his spy wife did NOT get divorced.
#88 implies that this was the Al Franken decade? Not the ’80s or the ’10s?
In 2005 the mayor of Spokane, Washington was James West a conservative “anti-gay” Republican who was caught having sex with a teen-age boy who said he was forced into it. West then claimed he was being harassed just because he was gay.
[re=486506]Redhead[/re]: You bastard. How DARE you post my personal correspondence?
[re=486482]Bearbloke[/re]: Heh. I could market the essence of my wife’s privates and it wouldn’t take “years of research” like your fancy Vulva highbrow porn commercial product stuff. A can of tuna left open for 4 days and maybe pee on it the second day and there’s a pretty good approximation.
I know it is uncivilized to honk your own horn, but the Wonkett was native borne in the 00s.
Also, Trucknutz (as far as I am aware)
Larry Craig did hang around long enough for a few laughs. Like when he had an ad on his website for summer interns.
Ten World Series. (Can’t say that about the previous decade.)
63?? Just like quittin Sarah!!
#61: Pumpkin spat on New York’s face and New York called her a motherfucking whore.
this…also…
http://www.miamiherald.com/living/columnists/dave-barry/v-fullstory/story/1397654.html?storylink=fbuser
#49: Craig Ferguson on The Late, Late Show
#48: Dick Cheney being wheeled around like Geoffrey Lebowski at Obama’s Inauguration.
#47: The Devil stole three million dollars from televangelist Rod Parsley –
http://www.loonwatch.com/2009/12/rod-parsleythe-devil-stole-my-money/
WIKIPEDIA! Now everyone on the planet who has Internet access can become a source of authoritative misinformation.
The Wire
The Sopranos
Mad Men
Deadwood
30 Rock
6 Feet Under
#3 PUMAs (unless they fall under warblogging)
#2 Backwards B Ashley
#1 Skoalrebel
## Porn became so mainstream that it is now boring and strictly for teenagers.
Dracula Cunt ushers in a new golden age of both vampire-ophilia and cunt-ophelia.
#1: 2012 hadn’t happened yet!
Deep Throat was finally revealed…..and by then nobody cared.
#67 and a half: i met leonard cohen and he said something vaguely pervy to me.
barack o’bama got elected.
course, then my best friend died and the realities of office set in, but still: wingnuts heads exploded for a little bit
“U2 could’ve released a LOT more records than they did.”
Wait, we’re not mourning this, right?
Sigh. The death of Gary Aldridge. Google “Baptist minister” “Alabama” “dildo” “two complete wet suits” “Falwell”.
This was the happiest sad of a happy sad decade.
[re=486583]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: we’re greatful! but we are mourning the fact that kings of leon released a u2 record.
Number Whatever: Lou Dobbs. He managed to be both ends of the gun (several times) first by shooting off his mouth then getting shot at and FINALLY getting fired.
[re=486506]Redhead[/re]: Best line from the letter to Orly: http://www.scribd.com/doc/24344673/LOVE-AND-THE-LAW-Charlie-Orly-December-9-11-2009
“…my association with you has tainted me for life… Is this fair? I am tarnished by you forever…”
Hey pal, this is why they invented penicillin and Lava Soap.
#46: Being SHIT ON by professionals
[re=486466]Cleopatra Schwartz[/re]: You forgot The Dreamie
In the top 100 things of this rotten decade the appearance of the Palin family in Washington has to rate near the top. It took 40 years for another family to rival the Beverly Hillbillies and apparently they are real, not fictional. A close second was the introduction of the SlapChop.
[re=486592]CanadianBacon[/re]: Except the Beverly Hillbillies had a lot more class and dignity than the Wasalia Snowbillies.
#19 Balloon Boy
#’s 22-28: Paris Hilton on my mind.
Thank you, friends, for completing this list!
Yeah, it’s hard to top 2 wetsuits and a rubber dildo, unless you teabag the guy with your trucknutz in cocktober.
[re=486539]joe twelve pack[/re]: Ya, Wolf Blitzer’s public embarrassment of being an idiot during a real running tally…awesome. What a douche.
ubiquitous wifi + 3G is pretty awesome.
The hard drive for the computer I bought in the spring of 2000 was 4 GB. I remember them telling me “you’ll probably never fill up that much space.”
# ? – Bristol Palin needed it REAL bad. . .
Joe Lieberman stole Shimon Peres’ forehead.
One of the best things . . .
None of the tea bags have beeen completely boiled yet.
#1/2 – Conservative bloggers discovered spell check.
The Heritage Foundation re-discovered its roots in racial hatred.
Glen Beck was given a televised play pen.
Wall St and the Insurance Lobby proved outright that they can still buy everyone . . . except Bernie Sanders.
The recount proved Gore won.
And now Chertoff runs a private security company in Canada (probably likes the free health care for him and his consultants) and tries to get the TSA to buy those “see all your business” x-ray machines for our airports, (Heard an interview on NPR yesterday).
#Щ.0 The rise and fall of Billy Mays
# ___ Janet Jackson and Justin Somebody invent new phrase…”Wardrobe Malfunction”
I see no TruckNutz. Disappointment.
That guy with the sign that said “Get a Brain Morans.” That was funny.
Plus Michael Moore made “Fahrenheit 911″ and won that French movie award. That was awesome.
#9 Decades are now officially 9 years long
“#89: Bob Dylan’s Theme Time Radio Hour proved that radio could still be awesome.”
and when was this ever in doubt?
[re=486558]Bruno[/re]: As a veteran of the Culture Wars in Texas during the previous millennium it is my sad duty to tell you, trucknutz preceded this decade by at least 15 years.
[re=486645]MzNicky[/re]: Don’t forget “No Pubic Option” from the hot blonde teabagger.
Oh my! No Jesus-image toast?
#37 gram the one-eyed snake
#18 series of tubes
#10 netflix
#40 “I don’t recall”
#5 “Too big to fail”
#1 gas has been $2.50 since the ’08 election
W.R.T. #93 (big hard drives) We also now have SSDs which are awesome! Also thumb drives came into prominence – almost every nerd now has one hanging from a badge-necklace-thing.
P.S. Consumer hard drives in 1999 were not even measured in Gigabytes.
At least for 2009, these are the things I will cherish:
#36 Teabagger.
#21 “M4M”.
#15 The GOP conservative link shortener.
#1 Time Warner cable may stop showing FOX in Brooklyn.
Re: #82 – it is never too late for casual lesbianism.
ten gigs is all you’ll ever need anyway
#35: La Pequeña Hillary Clinton.
Have we even figured out what to call this fucking decade yet? Please not the “naughts”.
On second thought, in a few short hours we can just be done with it and never speak of it again.
#1. Eagle Tears.
[re=487144]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Strike that. It’s obviously Tiger Woods, since NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN TIGER, NOT EVEN THE BLACK AFRIKAN TERRRISTS COMING OUT OF THE YEMENS.
Selection of ABC stories:
Report: Woods met with troopers Dec. 1
Woods wins PGA Tour player of year
Tag Heuer drops Tiger from U.S. ads
Harrington ‘felt sorry’ for Woods
Pavin looks ahead to Ryder Cup
Lawyer: Doc’s charges not linked to Tiger
Report: Wife to seek divorce from Woods
Finchem doesn’t think Woods took PEDs
Woods voted decade’s top athlete
Assistant to doctor tells of PED bust
Dubai course named for Woods on track
Tiger’s famous friends worried
Upper Deck to continue Tiger sponsorship
Nike’s Knight: Tiger’s issues a ‘minor blip’
Accenture drops Tiger as sponsor
Ramifications for Tiger, golf unfolding
Caddie denies knowing of ‘indiscretions’
Woods taking ‘indefinite break’ from golf
Gillette to limit Tiger’s role as sponsor
Wife bought Sweden home, official says
Tiger interview to air on New Zealand TV
British court issues injunction on coverage
Parnevik still says he was ‘wrong’ on Tiger
Nicklaus: Woods’ issues ‘not my business’
Woman hospitalized was Elin’s mom
Police suspected Tiger of DUI
Tiger apologizes, regrets ‘transgressions’
Tiger-Elin matchmaker lashes out
Police: Woods at fault in one-car accident
Neighbor: No signs Tiger was beaten
Tiger withdraws from own tourney
Transcript of 911 call for Woods
Woods blames self; 911 call released
Woods treated, released from hospital
ANALYSIS
Bryant: Why Tiger’s story matters
Wojciechowski: Tiger’s collateral damage
Sobel: Get some real advice, Tiger
Howard: Moral(s) to the Tiger story
Harig: Tour pros begin to weigh in
Hill: Tiger’s departure is misguided
Harig: Tiger turns the corner
Sobel: Tiger, golf at critical juncture
Keating: Sponsors stand behind Tiger
Sobel: Can Tiger return to normalcy?
Reilly: Tiger will be a better man
Harig/Sobel: Debating TW’s apology
Michael Wilbon: Tiger will recover
Wojciechowski: It’s not our business
Reilly: It’s time to teach, Tiger
VIDEO
Rick Reilly: Repairing Tiger’s image
Herm Edwards’ advice for Tiger
Jim Rome burns on Tiger
Schaap essay on Tiger Woods
The Spanish electorate proved there is at least one body politic not beholden to the terror-pimping of a regime running on fumes. I must give my Iberian hosts — I lived two blocks from the train-terminal that got bombed, though four years before it happened — credit for that.
Zapatero (y sus hijas “Goth”), si; Aznar, no.
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