TOP TEN TERRORISMS  1:34 pm December 29, 2009

by Ken Layne

H-A-M-A-S-M-O-U-S-ETEN YEARS OF TERRAH: Let’s look back in Horror at this Decade of Terror, with your editor, because it is time to celebrate our Long National Freakout (which isn’t even close to ending). [The Awl]

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Scarab December 29, 2009 at 1:39 pm

But there was no return of the acid-wash jeans so I say… win!

memzilla December 29, 2009 at 1:41 pm

Fortunately, Arnie’s Whole Beef Halves still delivers… except after curfew, in Sectors R or M.

user-of-owls December 29, 2009 at 1:51 pm

Well, at least the Apocalypse’s soundtrack is catchy.

“Who dies this way, ho ho ho?”

V572625694 December 29, 2009 at 1:51 pm

Hey thanks for that, Ken. What time shall we kill ourselves?

Sharkey December 29, 2009 at 1:52 pm

I stopped worrying when they invented Chipotlaway.

SayItWithWookies December 29, 2009 at 1:54 pm

Anyway, during the Avian Flu Horror, everybody with health insurance got prescriptions for Tamiflu, which was invented by Donald Rumsfeld before he also invented SARS in his underground Pentagon laboratory…

Hey, it’s not Rumsfeld’s fault that SARS didn’t turn the planet into a pile of moldy corpses — you terrorize the American people with the diseases you have, not the diseases you’d like to have.

ChernobylSoup v2 December 29, 2009 at 1:56 pm

So was that “Hi, I’m a Mac” guy considered a terrorist attack, friendly fire, or an act of God?

JMP December 29, 2009 at 1:57 pm

Just when it seems our national terrorism freak-out may have ebbed, along comes another incompetent wanna-be to make our nation’s media and middle Americans go nuts again. You’d think we could learn something from folks like the English who had to deal with regular actual attacks by terrorists, but no.

[re=486245]Scarab[/re]: You must not have spent too much time around college students & young hipsters recently; the kind who drink PBR “ironically” but really just because it’s cheap. They’re back.

kudzu December 29, 2009 at 1:57 pm

You forgot the good events: Tom DeLay, Jack Abramoff, Larry Craig, Pastor Ted and other like-minded Republican fucktards falling from grace and Jerry Falwell and Oral Roberts kicking the bucket. To me, all that plus the last Election make up for all the shit you pointed out.

Happy New Year and thanks for all the fish.

magic titty December 29, 2009 at 1:57 pm

Sadly, Ken skipped over the part where America saw Janet Jackson’s pierced titty on teevee and lost its fucking mind, post-haste.

slappypaddy December 29, 2009 at 2:01 pm

[re=486247]memzilla[/re]: needs more sugar

JMP December 29, 2009 at 2:06 pm

[re=486266]magic titty[/re]: If we allow that kind of filth on the TV, children may grow up thinking it’s perfectly normal for people to have nipples! Think of the children!

V572625694 December 29, 2009 at 2:06 pm

[re=486247]memzilla[/re]: Nobody ever wants to come up in the hills!

El Pinche December 29, 2009 at 2:06 pm

Don’t forget Jon and Kate. They fucked our shit up.

Sharkey December 29, 2009 at 2:07 pm

On the bright side, if it weren’t for this decade, we wouldn’t have quad-core processors and PCI-E 16x video.

Mojopo December 29, 2009 at 2:15 pm

Remember when the stores ran out of duct tape?

user-of-owls December 29, 2009 at 2:16 pm

[re=486264]JMP[/re]: go nuts again Intentional phrasing?

[re=486283]JMP[/re]: But fortunately, we’ve calmed down. Now we just show blowed up panties.

stew December 29, 2009 at 2:25 pm

The Terror Decade ends with a whimper (or whatever sound one makes after blowing up one’s junk).

Cape Clod December 29, 2009 at 2:27 pm

[re=486266]magic titty[/re]: Does anybody even remember who played in that game?

On the plus side, the ‘OOs saw the introduction of Baconaisse which kinda balanced all the bad stuff out.

Sussemilch December 29, 2009 at 2:27 pm

Awesome summary, pretty much the way I remember it. It was a decade of terrible conflict – generations old and new – fighting endlessly and dragging everyone else into their religious battle. Someday maybe they’ll be able to work out their differences, but for now the Yankee-Red Sox war rages on.

JMP December 29, 2009 at 2:31 pm

[re=486295]Mojopo[/re]: Ah, Tom Ridge, a perfect source of inane political propaganda masked as useless “advice” for surviving a terrrist attack. Today’s threat level is Orange.

[re=486296]user-of-owls[/re]: Uh, sure; totally intentional.

shortsshortsshorts December 29, 2009 at 2:32 pm

[re=486306]Sussemilch[/re]: Are you saying we should annihilate New York? WHAT OUTFIT ARE YOU WITH?

magic titty December 29, 2009 at 2:34 pm

[re=486305]Cape Clod[/re]: Great point.

slappypaddy December 29, 2009 at 2:43 pm

so, and slow it goes, and grows

bureaucrap December 29, 2009 at 2:44 pm

[re=486285]V572625694[/re]: [re=486247]memzilla[/re]: [re=486272]slappypaddy[/re]: Stop singing and finish your homework. Shoes for Industry!

thesheriffisnear December 29, 2009 at 2:49 pm

Condi being pressed by the 911 Committee for the title of the briefing she ignored and being coerced into saying: “Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.” Ahhh, good times.

PlanetWingnuta December 29, 2009 at 2:49 pm


desertwind December 29, 2009 at 2:53 pm

Speaking of Terror All the Time — How much longer must we be exposed to the Mi Mi Mi Malkin on the side?

V572625694 December 29, 2009 at 2:55 pm

[re=486318]bureaucrap[/re]: Heavy on the thirty-weight, Mom!

Achtung, Chuck-o, not that one!”

JMP December 29, 2009 at 2:58 pm

[re=486325]desertwind[/re]: I’d guess until “Sun., Jan. 3, 12-3pmET”.

Cicada December 29, 2009 at 2:58 pm

[re=486325]desertwind[/re]: I have been taking pleasure in the fact that they are completely wasting their ad money here.

DiscoUkulele December 29, 2009 at 3:04 pm

What a crappy decade. Except Xtube.

El Pinche December 29, 2009 at 3:06 pm

[re=486308]JMP[/re]: Now everytime some poor bastard sharts his drawers brown on an airplane, the terror level will be orange. The turrists have won.

user-of-owls December 29, 2009 at 3:09 pm

[re=486306]Sussemilch[/re]: [re=486309]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: ¡Viva RSN!

¡A las Barricadas Verdes Monstruosos! ¡A las Barricadas Verdes Monstruosos!
por el triunfo de la Nación Medias Rojas!.

proudgrampa December 29, 2009 at 3:12 pm

[re=486305]Cape Clod[/re]: 2004 Super Bowl: Patriots beat the Panthers 32-29 in Jacksonville, FL. And I didn’t even have to look it up (wink, wink).

Sussemilch December 29, 2009 at 3:16 pm

[re=486309]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Hey man, I’m just a mild-mannered tailgatin’ Brewers fan.

Vulpes82 December 29, 2009 at 3:20 pm

I know how you’ve survived this decade, Ken (booze and cynical gallows humor), but how have I, a non-drinker with far too much earnestness for my own good, managed not to slit my wrists?

Paul Tardy December 29, 2009 at 3:23 pm

The decade was a great one if you were in the military, law enforcement and a really good one if you worked any government job, or owned gold(or commodities)(*). Otherwise agreed it sucked. But think about it this way, if you were a lowly semi literate high school graduate that got a job as an air port screener, you basically hit the lottery, POTUS W litteraly plucked you from poverty and gave you a career with authority and a pension. Authority over people you once admired, and who looked down on you. Work doesn’t get much better than that.

(*) Like Ron Paul did, the Sage of the House.

McDuff December 29, 2009 at 3:23 pm

[re=486349]Sussemilch[/re]: Beer Brats for all!!!

depraved indifference engine December 29, 2009 at 3:34 pm

I noticed that nobody mentioned Elliott Smith’s stabbing himself in the chest, which for me was the defining moment of the 00s. That, and my cat died and I got burglarized, all within 2 months of each other.

finallyhappy December 29, 2009 at 3:36 pm

[re=486295]Mojopo[/re]: I remember this idiot in kensington, Md who put heavy plastic and duct tape all over a room- she would have suffocated- but that would have been a good thing for the rest of us.

Bruno December 29, 2009 at 3:42 pm

The only good thing about the Y2K Terrorz was being able to profit from stocks remotely related to fixing the problem. What shares do I buy if I want to profit from an underwearless society. It’s all way to unpredictable now

proudgrampa December 29, 2009 at 3:47 pm

I think the decade was pathetic.

Perfect symbol: Ashley Todd, the idiot who carved a “B” on her cheek and claimed she’d been attacked by a black man. The “B” was backwards.

Fucking pathetic.

user-of-owls December 29, 2009 at 3:49 pm

[re=486367]Bruno[/re]: For your American portfolio, chafing cream. For your Mideast portfolio, Tampax, Maxipads and Silicon implants. Oh, and maybe toss a few bucks at Penis Reconstruction.

chascates December 29, 2009 at 3:56 pm

Jennifer & Brad, the story of the decade.

AnnieGetYourFun December 29, 2009 at 3:57 pm

I have a whole fridge full of Cipro, but that’s because of the bladder infections I get when I have too much of the sex with everyone, not because of anthrax.

[re=486369]proudgrampa[/re]: That was the BEST PART of the decade, gramps. My Blingee of Ashley was mae famous! Mine!

JMP December 29, 2009 at 4:00 pm

[re=486346]proudgrampa[/re]: Ah, that one was a preview of the 2004 election; a victory of pure evil, with cheating.

Mr Blifil December 29, 2009 at 4:11 pm

Yet, if only one religio-conservative fucktard is found dead in a double layer neoprene wetsuit with a dildo up his rectum, it will all have been worth it.

x111e7thst December 29, 2009 at 4:16 pm

[re=486377]Mr Blifil[/re]: Amen

JMP December 29, 2009 at 4:22 pm

[re=486377]Mr Blifil[/re]: Will this help?

They’re not even trying to hide it anymore.

Naked Bunny with a Whip December 29, 2009 at 4:24 pm

The barrage of constant bad news is why I killed myself years ago.

gurukalehuru December 29, 2009 at 4:35 pm

Worst decade ever. Well, except for maybe the 1940s. and the 1860s. and pretty much anything before the industrial revolution.
But it was certainly bad enough that some motherfuckers should have to go to jail for it.

Sleeves December 29, 2009 at 4:59 pm

[re=486388]gurukalehuru[/re]: Worst decade ever.

betterDeadThanRed December 29, 2009 at 5:00 pm

It was the lamest decade that I’ve experienced. Kind of like what the ’70s would have been without drugs, sex and rock-n-roll to dull the pain.

Servo December 29, 2009 at 5:07 pm

Americans spent the ’00s acting lke Sylvester the cat when he and Porky Pig stayed at that haunted hotel. As Porky said, “You psychopathical p-p-pussycat.”

chitrade December 29, 2009 at 5:19 pm

I’m still waiting for my Franklin Mint Commemorative “Capture of Osama” gilt coin.

We caught him with all the Cipro in .af, right? Or was that Friedman? It was a confusing decade, and passed by so very, very fast.

Come here a minute December 29, 2009 at 5:25 pm

Oh please, we haven’t even scratched the surface of the “decade of terror” retrospectives that will be unleashed in the weeks and months before 9/11/2011.

betterDeadThanRed December 29, 2009 at 5:36 pm

[re=486413]Come here a minute[/re]: Oh please! Can’t we skip that part and go directly to the retrospectives of Obama’s failed presidency?

Servo December 29, 2009 at 5:41 pm

The motto for the ’00s: “We broke it, you bought it.”

slappypaddy December 29, 2009 at 6:00 pm

[re=486357]Paul Tardy[/re]: “The decade was a great one if you were in the military”

which military? the vatican swiss guards? if you were in the u.s. army or marines, the decade could be the time when you got your legs blown off during your third or fourth tour of some god-forsaken patch of impoverished desert on the other side of the planet.

zhubajie December 29, 2009 at 6:37 pm

Well, for me, it was a good decade to spend teaching in China! Actually, 12 years have gone by! The Year of the Tiger is back!

One pleasure of China: lots of Chinese ladies want to verify the rumor that foreign men have fur all over their bodies….

Zhu Bajie

Servo December 29, 2009 at 7:04 pm

the time when you got your legs blown off during your third or fourth tour
And that’s when the Support Our Troops people stop supporting the troops, because the extensive physical and mental rehab programs may necessitate a tax hike and reduce VA services for retirees who’ve earned them by sitting at a desk for 20 years.
Repugnants love to categorize people and my wingnut co-workers are no exception. I find myself repeatedly explaining that there are lotsa veterans within their Unemployed/Homeless Parasitic Scum category. Now we have thousands more that are handicapped and jobless. The back-pedalling is priceless.
However, I would really love to see them tell these disabled veterans to their faces “Sorry about your limbs and all but, because I can’t sacrifice one iota, you’re gonna have to deal with it on your own. Suck it up and press on. Thank you for protecting our freedoms (That malarkey always cracks me up). We’ll keep you and yours in our prayers.”
The dead are truly the lucky ones.

Bearbloke December 29, 2009 at 7:55 pm

[re=486456]zhubajie[/re]: It seems more than a few Asians share that interest, and a few of the gay ones have been bold enough to pet my fur, also…

GeneralLerong December 29, 2009 at 7:57 pm

[re=486420]Servo[/re]: The motto for the ’00s: “We broke it, you bought it.”

Day-amn, I wish I could think up stuff like that. [Grovels in admiration]

As to your co-workers, how to you prevent yourself from hurling your lunch onto their shoes? Do you harbor fantasies of them rowing heavy boats through jello in hell, while merciless demons crack whips? Or something ‘way more interesting and bloody than that?

Saint Ronald the Divine December 29, 2009 at 8:05 pm

Chris Matthews interviewing himself, dear god the arrogance, A new special form of terrorism.

Servo December 29, 2009 at 8:17 pm

Intimidation is my favorite tool.

chitrade December 29, 2009 at 8:40 pm

[re=486434]slappypaddy[/re]: When you’re wounded on Afghanistan’s plains, and the women come out to cut up the remains, just turn to your rifle and blow out your brains, and go to your god like a soldier.

I think that’s it…

CanadianBacon December 30, 2009 at 12:31 am

So the decade started with Y2K crashing all computers and ended with H1N1 killng off the entire human race. So as it stands humans are gone and all the computers failed so we have no records to leave for the future. Good because it would be too embarassing for Aliens to come to earth and discover we created Fox News and allowed Republicans to reproduce.

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