H-A-M-A-S-M-O-U-S-ETEN YEARS OF TERRAH: Let’s look back in Horror at this Decade of Terror, with your editor, because it is time to celebrate our Long National Freakout (which isn’t even close to ending). [The Awl]

Donate with CCDonate with CC


  1. Anyway, during the Avian Flu Horror, everybody with health insurance got prescriptions for Tamiflu, which was invented by Donald Rumsfeld before he also invented SARS in his underground Pentagon laboratory…

    Hey, it’s not Rumsfeld’s fault that SARS didn’t turn the planet into a pile of moldy corpses — you terrorize the American people with the diseases you have, not the diseases you’d like to have.

  2. Just when it seems our national terrorism freak-out may have ebbed, along comes another incompetent wanna-be to make our nation’s media and middle Americans go nuts again. You’d think we could learn something from folks like the English who had to deal with regular actual attacks by terrorists, but no.

    [re=486245]Scarab[/re]: You must not have spent too much time around college students & young hipsters recently; the kind who drink PBR “ironically” but really just because it’s cheap. They’re back.

  3. You forgot the good events: Tom DeLay, Jack Abramoff, Larry Craig, Pastor Ted and other like-minded Republican fucktards falling from grace and Jerry Falwell and Oral Roberts kicking the bucket. To me, all that plus the last Election make up for all the shit you pointed out.

    Happy New Year and thanks for all the fish.

  4. [re=486266]magic titty[/re]: If we allow that kind of filth on the TV, children may grow up thinking it’s perfectly normal for people to have nipples! Think of the children!

  5. [re=486264]JMP[/re]: go nuts again Intentional phrasing?

    [re=486283]JMP[/re]: But fortunately, we’ve calmed down. Now we just show blowed up panties.

  6. [re=486266]magic titty[/re]: Does anybody even remember who played in that game?

    On the plus side, the ‘OOs saw the introduction of Baconaisse which kinda balanced all the bad stuff out.

  7. Awesome summary, pretty much the way I remember it. It was a decade of terrible conflict – generations old and new – fighting endlessly and dragging everyone else into their religious battle. Someday maybe they’ll be able to work out their differences, but for now the Yankee-Red Sox war rages on.

  8. [re=486295]Mojopo[/re]: Ah, Tom Ridge, a perfect source of inane political propaganda masked as useless “advice” for surviving a terrrist attack. Today’s threat level is Orange.

    [re=486296]user-of-owls[/re]: Uh, sure; totally intentional.

  9. Condi being pressed by the 911 Committee for the title of the briefing she ignored and being coerced into saying: “Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.” Ahhh, good times.

  10. [re=486308]JMP[/re]: Now everytime some poor bastard sharts his drawers brown on an airplane, the terror level will be orange. The turrists have won.

  11. [re=486306]Sussemilch[/re]: [re=486309]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: ¡Viva RSN!

    ¡A las Barricadas Verdes Monstruosos! ¡A las Barricadas Verdes Monstruosos!
    por el triunfo de la Nación Medias Rojas!.

  12. [re=486305]Cape Clod[/re]: 2004 Super Bowl: Patriots beat the Panthers 32-29 in Jacksonville, FL. And I didn’t even have to look it up (wink, wink).

  13. I know how you’ve survived this decade, Ken (booze and cynical gallows humor), but how have I, a non-drinker with far too much earnestness for my own good, managed not to slit my wrists?

  14. The decade was a great one if you were in the military, law enforcement and a really good one if you worked any government job, or owned gold(or commodities)(*). Otherwise agreed it sucked. But think about it this way, if you were a lowly semi literate high school graduate that got a job as an air port screener, you basically hit the lottery, POTUS W litteraly plucked you from poverty and gave you a career with authority and a pension. Authority over people you once admired, and who looked down on you. Work doesn’t get much better than that.

    (*) Like Ron Paul did, the Sage of the House.

  15. I noticed that nobody mentioned Elliott Smith’s stabbing himself in the chest, which for me was the defining moment of the 00s. That, and my cat died and I got burglarized, all within 2 months of each other.

  16. [re=486295]Mojopo[/re]: I remember this idiot in kensington, Md who put heavy plastic and duct tape all over a room- she would have suffocated- but that would have been a good thing for the rest of us.

  17. The only good thing about the Y2K Terrorz was being able to profit from stocks remotely related to fixing the problem. What shares do I buy if I want to profit from an underwearless society. It’s all way to unpredictable now

  18. I think the decade was pathetic.

    Perfect symbol: Ashley Todd, the idiot who carved a “B” on her cheek and claimed she’d been attacked by a black man. The “B” was backwards.

    Fucking pathetic.

  19. [re=486367]Bruno[/re]: For your American portfolio, chafing cream. For your Mideast portfolio, Tampax, Maxipads and Silicon implants. Oh, and maybe toss a few bucks at Penis Reconstruction.

  20. I have a whole fridge full of Cipro, but that’s because of the bladder infections I get when I have too much of the sex with everyone, not because of anthrax.

    [re=486369]proudgrampa[/re]: That was the BEST PART of the decade, gramps. My Blingee of Ashley was mae famous! Mine!

  21. Yet, if only one religio-conservative fucktard is found dead in a double layer neoprene wetsuit with a dildo up his rectum, it will all have been worth it.

  22. Worst decade ever. Well, except for maybe the 1940s. and the 1860s. and pretty much anything before the industrial revolution.
    But it was certainly bad enough that some motherfuckers should have to go to jail for it.

  23. It was the lamest decade that I’ve experienced. Kind of like what the ’70s would have been without drugs, sex and rock-n-roll to dull the pain.

  24. Americans spent the ’00s acting lke Sylvester the cat when he and Porky Pig stayed at that haunted hotel. As Porky said, “You psychopathical p-p-pussycat.”

  25. I’m still waiting for my Franklin Mint Commemorative “Capture of Osama” gilt coin.

    We caught him with all the Cipro in .af, right? Or was that Friedman? It was a confusing decade, and passed by so very, very fast.

  26. Oh please, we haven’t even scratched the surface of the “decade of terror” retrospectives that will be unleashed in the weeks and months before 9/11/2011.

  27. [re=486413]Come here a minute[/re]: Oh please! Can’t we skip that part and go directly to the retrospectives of Obama’s failed presidency?

  28. [re=486357]Paul Tardy[/re]: “The decade was a great one if you were in the military”

    which military? the vatican swiss guards? if you were in the u.s. army or marines, the decade could be the time when you got your legs blown off during your third or fourth tour of some god-forsaken patch of impoverished desert on the other side of the planet.

  29. Well, for me, it was a good decade to spend teaching in China! Actually, 12 years have gone by! The Year of the Tiger is back!

    One pleasure of China: lots of Chinese ladies want to verify the rumor that foreign men have fur all over their bodies….

    Zhu Bajie

  30. [re=486434]slappypaddy[/re]:
    the time when you got your legs blown off during your third or fourth tour
    And that’s when the Support Our Troops people stop supporting the troops, because the extensive physical and mental rehab programs may necessitate a tax hike and reduce VA services for retirees who’ve earned them by sitting at a desk for 20 years.
    Repugnants love to categorize people and my wingnut co-workers are no exception. I find myself repeatedly explaining that there are lotsa veterans within their Unemployed/Homeless Parasitic Scum category. Now we have thousands more that are handicapped and jobless. The back-pedalling is priceless.
    However, I would really love to see them tell these disabled veterans to their faces “Sorry about your limbs and all but, because I can’t sacrifice one iota, you’re gonna have to deal with it on your own. Suck it up and press on. Thank you for protecting our freedoms (That malarkey always cracks me up). We’ll keep you and yours in our prayers.”
    The dead are truly the lucky ones.

  31. [re=486456]zhubajie[/re]: It seems more than a few Asians share that interest, and a few of the gay ones have been bold enough to pet my fur, also…

  32. [re=486420]Servo[/re]: The motto for the ’00s: “We broke it, you bought it.”

    Day-amn, I wish I could think up stuff like that. [Grovels in admiration]

    As to your co-workers, how to you prevent yourself from hurling your lunch onto their shoes? Do you harbor fantasies of them rowing heavy boats through jello in hell, while merciless demons crack whips? Or something ‘way more interesting and bloody than that?

  33. [re=486434]slappypaddy[/re]: When you’re wounded on Afghanistan’s plains, and the women come out to cut up the remains, just turn to your rifle and blow out your brains, and go to your god like a soldier.

    I think that’s it…

  34. So the decade started with Y2K crashing all computers and ended with H1N1 killng off the entire human race. So as it stands humans are gone and all the computers failed so we have no records to leave for the future. Good because it would be too embarassing for Aliens to come to earth and discover we created Fox News and allowed Republicans to reproduce.

Comments are closed.

Previous articleKarl Rove Suffers Painful Divorce, Types Inane Self-Promotional Talking Points On Twitter
Next articleRevolution of Jan. 23, 2010, Will Suck Just Like Everything Else, So Far, in the 2000s