twitter family values

Karl Rove Suffers Painful Divorce, Types Inane Self-Promotional Talking Points On Twitter

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This was taken in the early 70s, but by the late 80s Karl Rove was a straight man who got married to a woman!Beloved Bush Administration political hack Karl Rove just got divorced from his lady wife! Who even knew, right? Anyway, the Roves were officially divorced in Texas (!) last week, and it’s suddenly all over the Internets, and Dana Perino is “family spokeswoman,” and Karl is celebrating by continuing to post banal GOP talking points and self-promotional announcements about his upcoming book on the Twitter. Everything about America is 100% awesome. Make your “now he can gay-marry Jeff Gannon in DC” jokes in the comments and the Circle of Life will be complete. [TPM/Politico]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • SmutBoffin

    …and now he can gay-marry Larry Craig. Wait. I fucked that up.

  • comicbookguy

    Scrooge was a compassionate conservative, FTW.

  • Dolmance

    Well, the Third Reich’s version of Porky Pig is available again. My girlfriend is wondering who has the smaller pecker – Glenn Beck or Karl Rove. I told her there must be a way for the journalist teams at Wonkette to go and find out. But sadly, the media doesn’t care about the important stuff anymore.

  • hagajim

    I think he might marry Allen Stanford – if he can beat out Pete Sessions for his hot, sticky man-love

  • DonkeyPants

    Poor, poor turd blossum. At least his legacy of bringing in uneducated, racist, religious dicktards to the political fray has been solidified.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Imagine being under that quivering mass of whale-blubber-self-hate. Beard or not, I’d sure as hell get out while gettin’ was good, as well, also too. Run, KKKArl’s lady wife, RUN!

  • Buzz Feedback

    Dana Perino was my family spokesperson during the Cuban Missile Crisis on December 7, 2001.

  • Jim89048

    Wait. Which one is the beard?

  • hagajim

    The only mike I want Dana Perino at is the one in my pants!

  • Sussemilch

    Times are tough, everyone’s cutting back on the non-essentials.

  • ChernobylSoup v2

    He requests that we respect his privacy. That was actually in the article.

  • lochnessmonster

    Yikes! Someone married that guy?

  • hagajim

    Respect his privacy – you mean like he respected ours when he wiretapped every damn device in the world? Does that ad with Michelle Malkin look like she needs a mushroom stamp or is is just me?

  • Not_So_Much

    Wait, he wasn’t already gay-married to Gannon the Cannon??

  • Scarab

    What’s with the video still of Dwight Schrute?

  • What Fresh Hell is This?

    I just went back and read the Raw Story record of Jeff Gannon’s visits to the White House. I had forgotten how many hundreds of visits he made. So, when will the beans be officially spilled — or have they already?

  • memzilla

    Well, if ultimate power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, the lack of ultimate power…

  • hey

    Also, too this just proves that legalizing gay marriage in DC is destroying the institution of marriage.

  • ManchuCandidate

    “I wish I knew how to quit you.”
    – Karl Rove

  • RoscoePColtraine

    As a member of your Wonkette’s “Gay Brigade,” let me assure you, Jeff Gannon/Guckert/Whatever is only good for a one-time fuck. IF THAT. He’s not marriage material at all. I mean, all that self-loathing and retardation would get old after the first day.

  • Snidely

    Defending the sanctity of traditional divorce.

  • user-of-owls

    Well as I noted *gloaty gloaty* in the last post, the real significance is he realizes that in order to be eligible to joing the ‘scions of the elites’ in Republican circles, he had to get crackin’ on the divorce tally. He might be scion-eligible with one more, but if he’s looking for BCS caliber scionism, he’ll need to wrack up more than three.

  • McDuff

    I’ve read that Rove got his divorce under the Texas “no-fault” divorce law, which is regarded as one of the most liberal divorce laws in the country. As a do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do Republican, that was very “traditional” of him.

    Newt must be so proud.

  • Cicada

    I had no idea that the hipster aesthetic is really an attempt to look like a young Karl Rove. That’s so damn ironic.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=486228]ChernobylSoup v2[/re]: As in, don’t spread rumors about him fathering an illegitimate black baby and other such things — that would be uncivil.

  • OReillysVibrator

    I hope his gay dad will get him through it.

  • Scarab

    Oh, to have a time machine and a polo mallet.

  • JMP

    [re=486228]ChernobylSoup v2[/re]: Yes, we should respect the privacy of his (now former) marriage, and not, say, publicly reveal that his ex-wife is actually a covert CIA agent.

  • Alaska Girl

    Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

  • user-of-owls

    As always, the Childrens Treasury of Freeper Responses are priceless:

    “Some conservatives are work-aholics that detract from a having a typical family life that some partners desire.”

    “Thank you Roves for quietly handling your personal matters with dignity.”

    “I hate to hear about Divorces.
    I thought Rove seemed sad this AM on Fox.
    At least they are still friends.”

    “How long before the leftists will declare him to be a hypocrite because his marriage failed?”

    –The last one has this bit of rapier wit in his tagline: (At least Hitler got the Olympics for Germany)

  • SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    What are the odds the dude’s wife left him because he’s been doin’ the Tiger Woods with every racist, Jeebus loving, reality hating groupie he could stick his Little Willie into?

  • user-of-owls

    [re=486251]Alaska Girl[/re]: Twice!

  • magic titty

    That picture is more disturbing than the video footage of Al Sharpton on Soul Train in the mid-Seventies.

  • The Church of Realism

    Is it too soon to send him a “He loves the Cock” tee-shirt?

  • gjdodger

    It all started when he did that stupid “M.C. Rove” routine at the fundraiser. He probably decided that he had to pop a bitch.

  • Cicada

    [re=486252]user-of-owls[/re]: Ah, I love how understanding they are about the painful reality of divorce. Oh wait, here are the comments for a post about Tim Robbins and Susan Serandon splitting up:

    “How sad. They deserved each other.”

    “He’s finally old enough to move out of his mother’s house.” (I actually think this one is funny)

    “I guess all those nasty bugs they’ve been exchanging,back and forth,for all those years have finally triumphed.Huge,long term doses of powerful antibiotics and antivirals are now surely in order for both.”

    “Awful news, just awful. They split during the summer and we are just finding out at Christmas?
    We could have been taking shots at these two poster pin ups for the Liberal Religion for the last 6 months.”

    Just remember: conservative divorces are tragic things, liberal ones are an opportunity for hilarity. Gotta love those family values.

  • magic titty

    [re=486251]Alaska Girl[/re]: I guess his wife finally realized the phrase ‘I’m gonna fuck your asshole’ isn’t foreplay.

  • Gomez Adams

    If I were one of the C Street roomers I would take down the Room for Rent sign immediately. That guy watchin’ through the peephole would kill even a Viagra induced woody.

  • Snarkalicious

    [re=486220]hagajim[/re]: Off. Beat off.

  • Cicada

    [re=486268]Cicada[/re]: Aaand I just realized Robbins and Serandon weren’t married, just together for 23 yrs with kids. Although I doubt the freepers would have been more respectful if they had been.

  • widestanceromancer

    [re=486230]hagajim[/re]: I thought it was an ad selling wigs for goldfish and wondered why, since the fancy carp depicted is not a bit prettier with hair.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    Premature ejaculators are usually a disappointment for their partners, what with all the “over before it even starts” shit. But in Rove’s case, it’s actually a blessing. Just let him sit next to you on the sofa, clothes on, and BAM! he’s done. Painless for you, gratifying for him.

  • Halloween Jack

    The only reason that I find the idea of Turdblossom getting it on with Dana Perino is that she’s on my hatesex list. (Don’t look at me like that; if you’re on Wonkette, not only do you have a hatesex list of your own, but when I tell you that yours, like mine, is probably the size of a phonebook, your only real question/objection is, “Well, how big of a city are we talking about, phonebook-wise?”)

  • El Pinche

    [re=486262]The Church of Realism[/re]: Here’s a blingee which is close enough .

  • snideinplainsight

    “Darby”? Isn’t she that chick who hangs out with Winnie-the-Pooh and Tigger these days? Isn’t she a little young for him?

  • Escape Goat Nation

    Mr. Rove stepped down from his position as President Bush’s Deputy Chief of Staff in 2007 to spend more time leaving his family.

  • bhosp

    The twats are probably sent out by some staff or PR guy or something.

  • Franklin Pierce & Pierce

    Now he can spend more time with his self-loathing.

  • inedalo

    wait, isn’t he one of them Family Values type guys? just like Gingivitis-Gingrich and the other rightwingnuts?

  • Cape Clod

    He must have figured that Rick Perry isn’t going to stay available forever. Perry does owe him one, too, for coming up with the hush money for the Governor’s ex-missus.

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    I’ll give him at least as much privacy as he gave WALNUTS! in the 2000 primary.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    No, really, I was utterly convinced that Karl was a virgin. Come to think of it, this doesn’t really prove otherwise.

  • NotthatLC

    I feel like Chandler, here. This is all just too easy! LOW-HANGING FRUIT ALERT!!!

  • Gorillionaire

    Perino: “Karl Rove and his wife, Darby, were granted a divorce last week.
    The couple came to the decision mutually and amicably, and they maintain a close relationship and a strong friendship. There will be no further comment and the family requests that its privacy be respected.”

    Whoa, I can see now why she makes the big bucks as a public rep/spokesperson. She is a veritable Yeats of our time. Such eloquence. Well that and we all like to imagine Mr. Biggz pounding away from behind her.

  • WadISay

    If Dana Perino says the divorce is amicable, it probably means they’re gearing up for World War III. In which case, I would be happy to lend them both ammunition. I hope the “they plan to spend time together in the future” thing means, kickboxing.

  • proudgrampa

    I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it. That asshole was actually married??

  • S.Luggo

    I love you and believe in you. If you want my ear/voice — e-mail.
    — Pete

  • S.Luggo

    [re=486227]Sussemilch[/re]: Win.

  • PlanetWingnuta

    [re=486238]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: personally i would like to see the gannon and joe the plumber sex tape…i’m not sure if that’s fap material or self hate?

  • Zulu

    Poor woman! It must have been a real trauma sharing the matrimonial bed with the likes of Dubya, Scooter, Dick etc.

  • thesheriffisnear

    [re=486290]Franklin Pierce & Pierce[/re]:…while watching the Girls Gone Wild commercial on early morning TV.

  • Sparky McGruff

    [re=486262]The Church of Realism[/re]: Is it too soon to send him a “He loves the Cock” tee-shirt?

    It’s never, ever too early for that. Perhaps a matching ball-gag would give it that special touch. I always pictured K-K-Karl as the “gimp” from Pulp Fiction.

  • McDuff

    Someone should ask Dan Rather why he didn’t have the foresight to kill Rove right then and there, saving the world from W and 8 years of Turd Blossom horror. Rather probably could have found a Texas jury that would have bought a pre-emptive self-defense claim.

  • Oldskool

    Please tell me he didn’t have kids too. It’s bad enough that Cheney did.

  • thesheriffisnear

    He looks like one of the My Three Sons. Bernard Goetz, also.

  • Extemporanus

    He and Reality separated years ago—the divorce just makes it official.

  • McDuff

    … and BTW, what is it with College Republicans and dirty tricks? Haldeman and Erlichman both started as college Republican election stealers and dirty tricksters — they called it “rat fucking,” which, come it think of it, may explain Rove’s paternity.

  • chaste everywhere

    [re=486336]Oldskool[/re]: He did/does (one).

    Also: SECOND wife, y’all!

  • Vulpes82

    Awwwww, Rove and Gannon broke up? Such a shame.

  • not_very_snarky

    what’s worse is that he actually has a spawn/son. I assume he named him Damien.

  • McDuff

    [re=486341]McDuff[/re]: which, come TO think of it, may explain Rove’s parternity.

  • QueenOfTheDamned

    Hmmmmmm. This happens, and those rumors about a Todd/Sarah split persist. Just sayin’.

    [re=486248]Scarab[/re]: Yes! Somebody really needs to get cracking on the whole time travel/alternative universe thing. So many pre-emptive abortions, so little time.

  • comicbookguy

    [re=486284]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: In hindsight, spending more time with his family was a mistake.

  • Fred Wertham Jr.

    I love that picture of Karl. It has such a wonderful Hinckley/Chapman vibe to it.

  • Barrelhse

    [re=486248]Scarab[/re]: Nothing like a good, old-fashion mung whack. Good luck with the time machine!

  • finallyhappy

    [re=486278]Halloween Jack[/re]: I am an oldz- I do not know what hatesex is- seriously.

    [re=486307]Gorillionaire[/re]: Darby? Darby O’Gill? Isn’t he a leprechaun?

  • chascates

    His father being gay really had a bad effect on him.

  • Oldskool

    [re=486350]chaste everywhere[/re]: Oh no. We should plead with him to be spayed. Or is it neutered. Whatever, I’m losing respect for the women who marry these things.

  • Mr Blifil

    I died for lack of an alt-text.

  • gurukalehuru

    Perhaps she found that note that he wrote about how sexy George Bush looks in tight blue jeans.

  • rocktonsammy

    Mothers lock up your daughters, Smithers is on the loose.

  • chaste everywhere

    [re=486378]Oldskool[/re]: Hey, let’s talk about Brooke Mueller. What does she think she’s got that Denise Richards, Kelly Preston, Ginger Lynn, and scads of crack hoes lacked?

    [re=486379]Mr Blifil[/re]: Furthermore, so did I. (Then I got better.) Let’s make one up! How about “Is that Dan Rather inside those ’70s pornstar sideburns?”

  • Sweet Baby Cheeses

    [re=486360]Fred Wertham Jr.[/re]: Some things never change…

  • Sweet Baby Cheeses

    [re=486395]Sweet Baby Cheeses[/re]: Maybe this will work?

  • depraved indifference engine

    WSJ reported last week that the housing crisis had caused divorce rates to dry up. There must have been something particularly “tragic” or “amicable” for these two to buck the odds and split their liabilities.

  • CanadianBacon

    You have to give Karl credit for giving Darby the best ever Christmas gift, not that I am surprised the divorce is final before the book profits start rolling in. To keep the name TurdBlossum you have to keep earning it.

  • Up To Here Again

    She got real tired of having to clean the sheets every damn morning. . .

  • Up To Here Again

    I wish America could divorce herself from republicans.

  • Up To Here Again

    Damn, Karl, how cruel of you!
    How can you look at your ass in the mirror every morning?

  • Diana Davies

    [re=486280]El Pinche[/re]: Well, isn’t that just fucking art!

  • Tundra Grifter

    [re=486226]hagajim[/re]: She’s always welcome to say a few words to the folks…

  • Tundra Grifter

    “Darby?” There are only two Darby’s in the world. Darby O’Gill – as pointed out above. He wasn’t a leprechaun; he just liked to hang out with them. And Darby McGraw in Treasure Island. That’s it.

    Good thing Rove didn’t have to do a Newt and change religions just to get married. But, there’s still time…

  • Come here a minute

    [re=486403]depraved indifference engine[/re]: He’s just trying to help the economy! After 9/11, he programmed Bush to say that we can win the War On Terror by shopping. Now he’s setting a good example by boosting the divorce rate. Karl Rove is a Great American Hero!

  • marioninnyc

    Jeff Gannon? Does Rick Perry know?

  • El Pinche

    [re=486419]Diana Davies[/re]: Thanks. Blingee(anger) is a gift.

  • Bearbloke

    [re=486323]PlanetWingnuta[/re]: Jeff-seksing-Joe? It’s comedy gold!

    Morning, Wonkette!

    The Rove divorce is all NO!bama’s fault… since he sadistically deprived Mr & Mrs Rove of “A Charlie Brown Christmas”, he forced them to have “A Charlie Sheen Christmas” instead!

  • lamoll

    Oh, El Pinche! I love you! That Blingee is…beyond words hilarious!!!! You have made my day and given me the best laugh of this endless Xmas season.

  • Bearbloke

    [re=486443]Tundra Grifter[/re]: Darby Crash disagrees

  • Katydid

    [re=486364]finallyhappy[/re]: Hate sex, as I understand it, is something men fantasize about with women they find physically attractive, but morally repugnant. It has violent overtones of course, but on Wonkette, they don’t really mean that part (I think).

    I’ve never seen a woman write about hate sex, and the only hate sex I know about is when I’ve fucked my ex-husband and hated myself afterwards for it.

  • Lets Go Vertigo

    I’m Darby Rove
    A social cove
    Chaotic master
    I’m Darby Rove
    Your meccas trove
    Prophetic stature

  • WadISay

    [re=486364]finallyhappy[/re]: Most Oldz want to know, what is this “sex” of which you speak?

  • S.Luggo

    [re=486360]Fred Wertham Jr.[/re]:
    What’s Karl saying to Dan Rather? “It puts lotion in the basket.”?

  • QueenOfTheDamned

    [re=486443]Tundra Grifter[/re]: Also Darby Hinton (AKA Israel Boone), semi-adequate child actor of 60’s vintage; grade Z adult actor whose career had the lifespan of a gnat.

  • Bearbloke

    [re=486478]QueenOfTheDamned[/re]: He made you write his name, didn’t he?

  • WickedWitch

    [re=486453]Katydid[/re]: For women, there’s no hate sex, just pity fucks.

  • chascates

    Hard to believe Rove once had both a chin and hair.

  • davesnothere

    [re=486453]Katydid[/re]: That’s it, exactly! Except not necessary to actually go through the entire marriage/divorce part.

  • Mr Blifil

    [re=486393]chaste everywhere[/re]: Mine was going to be: “What’s the frequency Kenneth?” because of, you know, Dan Rather. But I died before I could suggest it.

  • Mr Blifil

    [re=486453]Katydid[/re]: There may be some truth in what you say about the subject of male fantasy. But I always understood “hate sex” to mean a phenomenon involving two people who act toward each other with animosity. They succumb mutually in a moment of weakness and acknowledge that their antipathy for each other was a cover for sublimated feelings of (usually forbidden) attraction.

    Hate sex does not require either party to be physiologically attractive, but in those cases where one party or the other happens to be physically beautiful, the hate sex is experienced as that much more hot. So what you describe as “hate sex fantasies” I would describe as “hate-sex-with-someone-hot fantasies.

  • remembers when Wonkette was funny

    does this mean Karl’s Ex can admit “she” is Jeff Gannon in a wig?

  • PlanetWingnuta

    [re=486449]Bearbloke[/re]: yeah we all want to see them rub their bald heads together….

  • elenique

    now he can gaymarry his argentinian sweet thing…aye carumba!!!!

  • pedestrian rage

    [re=486553]chascates[/re]: Truly, this is the angle I was expecting in the commentary. Shockingly, Rove actually once appeared….human?