daily briefing

Making Sure A Plane Bomber Will Never Not Actually Bomb A Plane Again

  • The Department of Homeland Security will begin smuggling more plainclothes air marshals on planes, most likely by just putting them in a regular Advil bottle. [New York Times]
  • Regarding the aspirational terror act, Obama, from Hawaii, has finally issued important threats about Investigating Things.  [POLITICO]
  • If the airplane bomber had been at all talented at bombing airplanes, the explosives he had would have been enough to rip a hole in the plane. [Washington Post]
  • North Koreans received a border-crossing American human rights activist on Christmas Eve! They have called “keepsies” and do not wish to exchange him for store credit. [WSJ]
  • China executed this heroin-smuggling British person, which was contentious for all the regular reasons but also because he was psychologically unsound. [Times Online]
  • Iran threatened to “slap” Britain, like the place, if it continues its alleged meddling in Iranian protests. [AP]

About the author

Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

View all articles by Juli Weiner
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32 comments

  1. memzilla

    “Is that a bomb in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

    Well, somebody had to write it.

  2. ChernobylSoup v2

    Dear American do-gooders:

    Please stay away from N Korea. We’re beginning to not care about your detentions. Besides we only have so many ex-presidents willing to go over there and bail you out.

    Best regards,
    America

  3. x111e7thst

    “Approximately 45,000 professional screening officers have been hired by the federal government” = 45k morons who are not smart enough for the variety of better paying and more interesting jobs at McDonalds..

  4. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Approximately 45,000 professional screening officers have been hired

    Meanwhile, the airplanes are falling apart and the pilots are sleeping at the wheel. Good job prioritizing, guys.

  5. cynbot

    Man, I had a shitload of brussel sprouts for Xmas dinner. Good thing I didn’t get on a plane that night, because I might have blown a hole in its skin, too. Though more likely I would just have incinerated my underpants.

  6. Country Club Jihadi

    [re=485976]memzilla[/re]: Does this bomb make me look fatwa?

    Also, those underpants on Drudge should be called “Skidmarks of Terror”.

  7. thesheriffisnear

    [re=485980]x111e7thst[/re]: AIRPORT SECURITY…thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week. Remember to tip your waitress.

  8. JMP

    The important thing is that we make sure to add more pointless security measures that greatly inconvenience air travelers and don’t actually do a thing to keep planes safer, but look like the government is doing something.

    Meanwhile, why is that insane, death-camp-for-Muslins-supporting woman staring at me from the Wonkette sidebar?

  9. Come here a minute

    Mrs. Nigerian Airplane Bomber is extremely embarassed about her son’s underpants. “Oh, Umar, I have told you so many times to put on clean tighty whities before traveling in case you decide to blow yourself up!”

  10. ivenson

    Absolutely true excerpt of CNN’s Nick Roberts interviewing Sidney Alford, a british explosives expert who looks like a skinny Santa Claus:

    Alford says that it is possible to sew PETN into a set of underpants. “I’ve done it,” he says, “no problem at all.”

    For the record, Nick does not ask a follow up question.

  11. Sleeves

    “Shirin Ebadi, who won the 2003 Nobel Peace Prize for her human-rights efforts in Iran, told the The Associated Press in a phone interview from London that she called her sister Monday, and that she was being punished because of the conversation.”

    Gives me the great sad: they’re sensitive as a British molar to any propaganda effort, after sixty years of maladicta and tomfoolery.

  12. hockeymom

    [re=485990]ivenson[/re]: They should take away his degree to practice journalism. NO follow up question? WTF?

  13. charlesdegoal

    On the other hand, anyone carrying four kilos of smack in China or explosives on an airplane is by definition crazy and so insanity pleas are always justified.

  14. ivenson

    And why didn’t the guy who walked into N Korea realize what a burden he was putting on his host nation’s resources? They can barely feed their own citizens and now they have to scrape together enough gruel to shove under his dungeon door while he is on the torture waiting list.

    Great job, pointless-gesture-guy.

  15. ivenson

    [re=485994]hockeymom[/re]: In both the print and video versions, no further mention is made of this statement. At no point does Nick say “Wait, jump back a few sentences….why have you made explosive underwear, you old coot?”

  16. ivenson

    [re=485998]binarian[/re]: I have no idea what terrifying picture you are speaking of (Firefox add-ons be praised)

  17. proudgrampa

    [re=485998]binarian[/re]: Maybe they could hire her to be a sky marshall. No would-be terrorist would fuck with that!

  18. steverino247

    Important phrase for would-be evangelists entering North Korea: “Give up your life for the sake of our leader, Kim Jong Il.” It’s taken the place of Arbeit Macht Frei, you know.

  19. El Pinche

    Shit! We’re fresh out of willing Democratic dignitaries to dispatch our American . How about an even swap for Lieberman? He’d make an excellent door stop.

  20. chaste everywhere

    Sometimes I feel like slapping Britain, too. Right on its poofy buns.

    [re=485983]cynbot[/re]: Brussel sprouts?! Do you think Christmas falls during Lent, or on Yom Kippur, or something?

  21. Sleeves

    [re=486011]El Pinche[/re]: He sure would. He’s had excellent House and Varsity training, and always so proud to serve: He’s totally ignorant of both the Flynn effect and the meaning of ‘deism’! Quite a buy.

  22. binarian

    [re=486006]proudgrampa[/re]: I think Michelle now has a secondary career choice; Helping keep Real Americans safe by some other means than running her mouth endlessly….

  23. 9/11 is a verb

    Al Qaeda is slipping a bit..failure after failure in plane bombings lately. Maybe it’s because their terror training videos (the ones where the same 3 A-rabs jump over a saddlehorse) are from the 70′s. They need someone like Lil General Lieberman to show em how its done

Comments are closed.