By the Comics Curmudgeon
Most normal humans are at this point ensconced in the loving bosoms of their family to celebrate the birth of the American Jesus. That leaves a motley collection of hateful, Christ- and family-shunning degenerate misanthropes as the only people reading “blogs” on the “Internet” — Wonkette’s core audience, in other words! We hope all you joyless monsters enjoy the following cartoons, which mock Our Lord Jesus and His only begotten son, Santa.

Click the comics to make them larger!

As you enjoy America’s decadent Christmas celebrations, with its orgy of consumption and Nintendo XBoxes and too many cookies and family hatred, maybe you should spend some time casting your mind back to the first Christmas. Remember that? Remember when a scared pregnant teenage girl and her boyfriend set off on their only donkey to Washington, D.C., where there was no room at any of the city’s major chain motels, so they had to stay at the Capitol? And then, on a beautiful, clear, Christmas night, Nancy Pelosi personally aborted the Fetus Jesus, right there under the rotunda? O holy night!

Meanwhile, in the present, Barack Obama decided that, in his long-standing quest to become all things to all people, he’d take over the job of Santa Claus for the year! However, just as he imagined that being president would be a lot more awesome than it actually turned out to be, so too did he misjudge the jolliness and cheer involved in taking on the role of Old Saint Nick. Instead of the adoring, wide-eyed urchins he expected, he was confronted with actual children: grubby, demanding little beasts who pepper him with unrealistic demands. No wonder the job was available!

But our Barry is not one to take any gruff from the youth of today! Rather than just sit there and allow his dignity as Santa Claus to be insulted, he instead captured and enslaved the white children to use as his beasts of burden, just as he promised to his masters at ACORN during the campaign. Here you can see the last surviving member of his team of sleigh-dragging tots. All the others have been worked to death, but that means this little darling will be getting two scoops of gruel in her bowl tonight!

And “real Santa” isn’t doing much better! Little known fact: the only sustenance Santa actually gets comes from the milk and cookies left out under the tree by millions of children every year; the infusion of sugar and fat is enough to keep him going until Christmas rolls around again. But this year, everyone is so impoverished that as soon as they lay their hands on even the basic ingredients of cookies — flour, eggs, what have you — they immediately shovel them down into their ravenous maws, leaving Santa emaciated.

Even if Santa somehow pushes through the hunger pains and forces his skinny form down the chimney and into the living room of the typical American family, do you think they’d be grateful? No. Instead, he just inevitably ends up being held up by a machine-gun-toting liberal youth. These so-called “progressives” are all too eager to confiscate the guns of real Americans who just want to use them to hunt deer or keep black people out of their neighborhoods, but when the libs want to rob jolly old elves, well, suddenly they’re very keen on their Second Amendment rights.

How about those zany Foreigns? Surely they have a much more sophisticated, nuanced view of Santa than we philistines over here. I’m sure their Santa is a gentle patriarch, representing the combination of the best of his pagan roots and his appropriated role in a Christian holiday, with an emphasis on the simple homemade toys rather than mass-manufactured AAAH AAAH AAAAHHHH HORRIFYING SANTA CASH-REGISTER THING WITH A MONSTROUS PROBOSCIS KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT AAHH AAAHH

Back in America, Santa is getting back to basics and getting in touch with the true meaning of Christmas: pretending to be Tiger Woods so he can have sex with pretty ladies. God bless us, every one!

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  1. I like the first cartoon best. It states clearly that when Jeebus said I come that they may have life he was clearly referring to all the cute little ova and spermatozoa that have dies in the billions of years since his birth ann not to actual borned humans who must be free to die of wars and health care.

  2. Mary and Joseph are going to the Capitol to have a die-in. Discussing it later on his FOX show, Glenn Beck was pleased that two million people showed up.

  3. 1. Why wait nine months only to carry a light bulb to term?

    2. Conservotard cartoon fail: “Mommy Santa made my butthole bleed” = fixed

    3. Conservotard cartoon fail: “C’meer white kid, Santa gon’ make y’butthole bleed” = fixed

    4. Santa is a meth addict, predictable, hard to maintain that high year after year from just giving out presents by magic

    5. Dems are gun nuts, if u did know no that, their babies will shoot Santa DEAD, because of “Bad Seed” hatred genetics caused by the continuing abortion genocide

    6. This is a trenchant observation of our modern dystopia, or else Santa uses Brittney Murphy’s plastic surgeon (too soon?).

    7. Tiger Woods liked to rape the white wimmins by cumming down their chimnees, all so they could be famous on the Today Show for being advanced slutty sex maniacs behind their mall-queen-nice-high-school-girl personas.

  4. And I want to see a christmassy cartoon of Sarah Palin riding on a mongoloid baby with the caption “What rough beast, its time come round at last, slouches toward Bethlehem to be born.” with a picture of the white house in the background because Sarah is the End Times President.

  5. That first cartoon, it looks like that movie “The Day After Tommorow” when North America gets buried by 300 feet of snow, so is this some kind of global-warming statement?

  6. A baby pulling the Grinchesque sleigh? The cartoonist must be completely culturally illiterate — an emaciated dog would be just as good as a baby to symbolize “taxpayers”!

    Probably just can’t draw dogs.

  7. If it weren’t for Josh’s always cynical, hilarious text, I would turn Billy’s gun on myself. Sweet Jebus the political climate in this country is wretched.

  8. I’m noticing an overwhelming theme with some of these cartoons.

    So has any conservative politician, pundit, or (God forbid) cartoonist, explained the connection between deficit spending and the recession?

    Or are they just using it as their all-purpose boogie-man because they want to draw attention away from the fact it was the deregulation that they championed that caused the current slump?

    I totally just answered my own question with a question, didn’t I?


  9. 3 & 5;: Oh no Obama / the Dems are having the government actually do its fucking job and spend money, how horrible! If only we had someone with fiscal discipline like, say, Herbert Hoover everything would be better.

    7: Another cartoonist feels lazy, sticks a reference to a current news item into a stock holiday image and calls it a day.

    1. Huh? Is this a cartoon version of Chuck Norris’ insane “Jesus would have been aborted!” article? It’s wrong anyway, since abortion was legal in the Roman empire, although much less reliable than today.

  10. Let me clarify the one with the Family Circus characters. The kid with the gun is actually Oliver, from “A Christmas Story” part of which I saw on Canadian teevee last night. He wanted a Red Ryder BB gun and everyone, including Santa, told him he’d “shoot his eye out.” The bit with the lamp shaped like a lady’s leg was pretty hilarious, too.

  11. 5th ‘toon: Is the gun-toting Democratic boy naked, or is he wearing “girly” pink footie jamies while the Repub pointing kid is wearing “little boy” blue jamies?

  12. Wait ’til Mary finds out that she’s not in Bethlehem, 2010 is the wrong census, and they have to go all the way back across the Atlantic to the occupied West Bank. There will be some shit fit then, I can tell you.

    Damn know-it-all men — never want to ask for directions.

  13. God, of all the regular features on Wonkette, I think this one actually makes me the angriest. I’m a freakin’ journalists daughter, and these cartoons have me rooting for the newspaper industry to hurry up and die already if only to force these fucking losers to get real jobs.

  14. [re=484315]Gun-toting Progressive[/re]: Looks like Billy and Not-Me finally realized they’re one and the same. Kinda like how Ed Norton was so cute and Brad Pitt such a jerk, when really it was Norton hawking the liposuction-soap all along.

  15. [re=484428]McDuff[/re]: I have the same question. You took the time to put glasses on your face, would it kill ya to put some underwear on your weenie??

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