By the Comics Curmudgeon
Most normal humans are at this point ensconced in the loving bosoms of their family to celebrate the birth of the American Jesus. That leaves a motley collection of hateful, Christ- and family-shunning degenerate misanthropes as the only people reading “blogs” on the “Internet” — Wonkette’s core audience, in other words! We hope all you joyless monsters enjoy the following cartoons, which mock Our Lord Jesus and His only begotten son, Santa.
Click the comics to make them larger!
As you enjoy America’s decadent Christmas celebrations, with its orgy of consumption and Nintendo XBoxes and too many cookies and family hatred, maybe you should spend some time casting your mind back to the first Christmas. Remember that? Remember when a scared pregnant teenage girl and her boyfriend set off on their only donkey to Washington, D.C., where there was no room at any of the city’s major chain motels, so they had to stay at the Capitol? And then, on a beautiful, clear, Christmas night, Nancy Pelosi personally aborted the Fetus Jesus, right there under the rotunda? O holy night!
Meanwhile, in the present, Barack Obama decided that, in his long-standing quest to become all things to all people, he’d take over the job of Santa Claus for the year! However, just as he imagined that being president would be a lot more awesome than it actually turned out to be, so too did he misjudge the jolliness and cheer involved in taking on the role of Old Saint Nick. Instead of the adoring, wide-eyed urchins he expected, he was confronted with actual children: grubby, demanding little beasts who pepper him with unrealistic demands. No wonder the job was available!
But our Barry is not one to take any gruff from the youth of today! Rather than just sit there and allow his dignity as Santa Claus to be insulted, he instead captured and enslaved the white children to use as his beasts of burden, just as he promised to his masters at ACORN during the campaign. Here you can see the last surviving member of his team of sleigh-dragging tots. All the others have been worked to death, but that means this little darling will be getting two scoops of gruel in her bowl tonight!
And “real Santa” isn’t doing much better! Little known fact: the only sustenance Santa actually gets comes from the milk and cookies left out under the tree by millions of children every year; the infusion of sugar and fat is enough to keep him going until Christmas rolls around again. But this year, everyone is so impoverished that as soon as they lay their hands on even the basic ingredients of cookies — flour, eggs, what have you — they immediately shovel them down into their ravenous maws, leaving Santa emaciated.
Even if Santa somehow pushes through the hunger pains and forces his skinny form down the chimney and into the living room of the typical American family, do you think they’d be grateful? No. Instead, he just inevitably ends up being held up by a machine-gun-toting liberal youth. These so-called “progressives” are all too eager to confiscate the guns of real Americans who just want to use them to hunt deer or keep black people out of their neighborhoods, but when the libs want to rob jolly old elves, well, suddenly they’re very keen on their Second Amendment rights.
How about those zany Foreigns? Surely they have a much more sophisticated, nuanced view of Santa than we philistines over here. I’m sure their Santa is a gentle patriarch, representing the combination of the best of his pagan roots and his appropriated role in a Christian holiday, with an emphasis on the simple homemade toys rather than mass-manufactured AAAH AAAH AAAAHHHH HORRIFYING SANTA CASH-REGISTER THING WITH A MONSTROUS PROBOSCIS KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT AAHH AAAHH
Back in America, Santa is getting back to basics and getting in touch with the true meaning of Christmas: pretending to be Tiger Woods so he can have sex with pretty ladies. God bless us, every one!