Wonkette
Hmm so why are Wonkette’s lazy-ass “you’d think they’d notice it’s a Recession” writers posting even less than usual? Jesus’ solstice birthday! (And, uhh, the whole next two weeks.) So here’s a special “Charlie Brown War On Xmas” collection of all the local-news reports on dumb fat fools seeing Jeebus everywhere. [Everything Is Terrible via Andrew Sullivan]
A spoonful of Jesus helps the minister go down…
Jesus fucking Christ.
I see that A.M.-N.W. show sometimes. The dude always looks drunk.
Taking Xmas vacation already - what are you guys, teachers? Some of us will be working until some point Thursday afternoon, and need distraction!
teebob2000: Holy Wack-a-Mole-y!
JMP: Oh there will be posts every day, including on Xmas Eve and Xmas and New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day, like every year. Just a little bit less posting on the “work days” of this week and next. In fact, it would take a supercomputer and a roomful of scientists to notice the difference!
I think at least one of those Jesi looked suspiciously like Che Guevara.
How will we crucify all of these new-found Jesus’?
I keep the coffee table in my office covered up with journals because the pattern of the wood grain looks like a vagina. Worship the vajay everday.
shortsshortsshorts: Send the clip to Mossad. They’re efficient.
is this a sign of
a) the second coming?
b) a sign of the rapture?
c) Americans are dipshits?
d) all of the above?
shortsshortsshorts: No need. Most of them are edible or semi-edible.
My favorite: Is this a holy image or a bucket of filth?
I thank jesus everyday for Every is Terrible. So good…
Sweet jesus!
I once saw Jesus in the form of a New Testament Hebrew Saviour. Does that count?
Okay, if we exclude the Gingers from salvation, then does that count?
Jeebus sells itself.
Mustang: And the answer to that rhetorical question could be a simple “yes”.
shortsshortsshorts: With a fully-automatic nail assualt rifle, and a metric ass ton of weinersickle sticks.
I saw the image of Karl Marx in the rust on a bucket once.
shortsshortsshorts: What would the correct plural of Jesus be, anyway; Jesuses or Jesi?
I’m certainly glad that the Invisible Sky Man is performing miracles by appearing in cheetos and french toast and cat fur stuff–surely this will convince the unbelievers far more effectively than, say, popping into the UN General Assembly and announcing that He has ended war and disease.
JMP: HERETIC!!!!!111
Jesus must be the pussiest titty-baby to ever grace God’s earth if he needs these felching-obsessed semi-functioning autistics to sell his message. Although I guess he always did fall in with the feeblest and least fit-to-live, the stupid dipshit.
“Know Him? Shit, niggah owes me twenty bucks!”
Larry, oh Larry why have you forsaken us, your fellow Philadelphians. I’m still waiting to see Jesus show up in the fold of some labia. Or would Mary be more appropriate.
JMP: Jesi (nom), Jesorum (gen), Jesis (dat), Jesos (acc), Jesis (abl), if you are following the Latin declensions. But why would we want to do that?
Ken Layne: Yay!
DoktorZoom: Just remember that our hard-wired, evolutionary byproduct tendency to see mammalian faces in random patterns is a sign that Jeebus loves us.
JMP: Figments.
Way Cool Larry: It cannot be a sign of the rapture. It came and went and the only person taken was Steve Guttenberg.
Sensible reporter: Somehow I just don’t think Jesus would show up in ice cream.
Other reporters: (realizing they’ve just offended 99% of Americans watching the broadcast) But he could show up anywhere! Who knows? He’s Jesus!
No fucking way am I considering myself fortunate to have been born in America.
You know those credit card ads, with two-eyes-and-mouth faces in everyday objects? I see Jesus in every one.
I saw Jesus kissing Santa Claus,
Underneath the missle toad last night…
If I look at a plank of knotted pine long enough, I see Jeff Stryker’s cock.
Mr Blifil: On behalf of folks on the autism spectrum everywhere, don’t you dare compare crazy evangelicals to us. Most autistics are secularists, if they have an expressed view on it. After all, faith requires multiple levels of abstract thought and belief in the unverifiable, which runs counter to how folks on the spectrum think. Plus, successfully belonging to a religion requires giving a shit about conforming to social norms which stemming and squealing generally rules out (unless some dipshit thinks you are “slain in the spirit” when you do it).
slithytoves: I keep mine covered with journalists because otherwise they would be unemployed. As for the vagina thing: Heck, I couldn’t concentrate on my work for a Chicago minute if I was in your predicament. Sounds fun, though.
RoscoePColtraine: How long does the plank have to be to be long enough? (Face it, you JUMPED into that one.)
the problem child: Because JC was a Roman Catholic, that’s why.
As a Jesus follower myself, let me say that these “visions” of Jesus are so ridiculous, it’s painful - yet creative I have to admit. Evangelicals, to a large degree, have brought all of the resulting mockery on themselves; however, let me throw an idea out that will be completely flamed by the posters here.
With what other religion or cultural movement is it not only accepted, but encouraged in America to mock and belittle more than Christianity? Try this experiment: take a look at any “Jebusy” post on the Wonkette site and in the place of the derogatory comments, replace “Christianity” and “Jesus” with “Islam” and “Muslims” or “Gays” and “Homosexuals” or “Jews” or whoever you’d like. Would it really be okay with you to say such things about other movements? It’s offensive to say such things about Islam and yet a prominent portion of their movement has declared war on our country and killed thousands. Christians are made out to be horrible people but when Katrina hit, who volunteered millions of dollars and man-hours to help? Churches of Jebus-followers.
Certainly, pockets of evangelicals have been historically hateful, narrow-minded, hypocritical and bigoted and somewhat deserve what they’re getting. But it looks as though the same hypocrisy is being replicated. Ask yourself, are you one who has promoted ideas of tolerance and free speech and yet, really, if you were honest with yourself, it’s only okay to be tolerant of what you agree with? Perhaps that old idea is true that if you’re not careful, you become the very thing you hate.
Flame on.
I’m a little disappointed that not one person said, “Only in New York folks, only in New York.”
Berkeley Bear: Heh…reminds me of a conversation I had with my married lover, whose son is autistic. I asked if he believed in Santa Claus, and she said that he didn’t really have any interest in imaginary entities like Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, or the tooth fairy. But then I had to go and ruin things by putting Jeebus in the same category…
ontheflipside: I’m sorry, but the “You’d never say that about teh gheys or muslins” trope is just plain tired.
Besides, on Wonkette, we DO say that stuff about teh ghey muslins!
“Evangelicals, to a large degree, have brought all of the resulting mockery on themselves…”
Rank stupidity plus hypocrisy prove irresistible for us to leave alone. The fables and fairy tales aren’t confined to Christianity, that’s true, and you will find we laugh at all those, whether they be Scientology, Mormon, Muslim Jew or whatever, but the Chrisitans are nearest and dearest because they are so stupid and there are so many of them to mock. Gays belong in a different category, but we’re funny too! Do you know the things we do in private? Sometimes hot, often hilarious.
DoktorZoom: It’s only tired because you don’t agree with it. Intolerance!! Ha…just kidding.
ontheflipside: “With what other religion or cultural movement is it not only accepted, but encouraged in America to mock and belittle more than Christianity?”
All of them.
JMP: “ALL of them” are more accepted to belittle and mock than Christianity? You’re wrong.
I’d like to introduce you all to Michael Shermer, publisher of Skeptic Magazine.
While I find the entire clip enjoyable, those with short attention spans can start at 6:32…..
ontheflipside: Not “more.” “Equally.”
If you’re speaking of American society at large, you’ll have to factor in the Christian to everything else ratio to explain the disparity.
ontheflipside: To be less flippant, not only is what you’re saying tired and untrue, it is the complete opposite of the truth. Replace it with Muslims? Mainstream pundits spew vile hatred against Muslims constantly, much worse than this light mockery of Christians, and get very little condemnation for it. It is, in fact, perfectly safe to be a horrible bigot against Muslims, gay people, atheists, or (to a slightly lesser extent) Jews. All we’re doing against Christians is mockery, you twit; get a fucking sense of proportion
But no, you Christians come along and scream “help help, I’m being oppressed!” at a little bit of mockery. Hell, many claim that trying to get rid of prejudice against non-Christians is somehow anti-Christian bigotry. It’s not.
Thenb, you show that you are a bigot by pulling the all Muslims are terrorists bullshit. Oh, and charities! Guess what, dipshit; atheists, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, etc. all also donated millions of dollars and man-hours after Katrina. Your special religion is no more or less charitable than any other.
And we do tolerate Christians. Guess what, tolerating your beliefs doesn’t mean I have to respect them. Especially among the creationists. If I met a grown adult who still believed in Santa Claus, I wouldn’t respect their beliefs, either.
ontheflipside: Shorter dipshit: http://www.rationalresponders.com/sites/www.rationalresponders.com/files/images/ChristianHelp.gif
I get mockery. Hell, one of the best mockeries of some of Christianity’s own foolishness is at http://www.wittenburgdoor.com (honestly, check it out. I think even you might like it.) What is being done more and more often though is beyond just simple mockery (and I can give examples but this post is too freaking long anyway). Your second statement is a perfect example of your imbalanced viewpoint: “Mainstream pundits spew vile hatred against Muslims constantly, much worse than this light mockery of Christians” - First, give me examples of semi-respectable mainstream media that spread “vile hatred” of Muslims (and you can’t use Fox News). Second, just the fact that you use labels for anti-Islamic rhetoric as “vile hatred” while anti-Christian verbiage is “light mockery” shows that you’re not interested in seeing someone else’s viewpoint. Just admit bro that you’re using a double standard and the hypocrisy has come full circle. I’m cool with you not respecting the beliefs of Christianity and you’re definitely right about the Jews, Muslims, Hindus, etc. helping out with Katrina…what I’m saying is that the mainstream media and those brave souls behind their laptops who so eloquently call everyone a dipshit who doesn’t respect THEIR opinion, are not using an even scale with the movements that they like or dislike.
Hey, I knew I wasn’t going to win a battle over the internet anyway. Just thought I’d throw out a different opinion. I respectfully disagree with you and I’ll be the first to admit that Christianity (me included) has got to do a much better job of truly loving and helping people. Only then will the love that Jesus taught truly make a difference.
I once saw Ganesh on a square of toilet paper, hence my avatar.
Ugh and it goes on for SIX minutes.
I saw an image of Jesus once on a hunk of granite in a church. Then someone told me it was a statue of Jesus.
I have to think that God has better things to do than appear on random taco shells.
Jesus in that dog’s butt was the best.
I took a shit, and it looked like Dick Cheney. So I sent it to Fox News for verification.
Come to think of it, every time I take a shit it looks like Dick Cheney.
ontheflipside: I’m going to pray that you stop posting.
I am working on a line of potato chips that are shaped like Jesus. What do you think about “JESUS CRISPS”.
I’m talking to the Pringles people instead of Frito Lay, for obvious reasons.
Way Cool Larry: Uh, C. Yea, i pick C.
Mike Steele: Me, too!