and what is with those forever stamps anyway

Fat Cat Postal Service Spent Bazillions On Food Orgies And Retirement Watches

Proud USPS employeeOn a pleasant sunny day, have you ever looked up from your desk and glanced out the window at your friendly neighborhood mail carrier trotting around in little blue shorts issuing cheerful hellos and thought, “That is the best job ever invented by Jesus”? Many postal service employees would agree!

In addition to the cute uniforms, postal service employees enjoyed nearly $800,000 worth of meals and fun parties in just five months this year. One party featured crab cakes, beef Wellington, shrimp, and scallops. Throw in some deviled eggs and a pitcher of Harvey Wallbangers, and it would have been the fanciest party of 1962!

Also: $14,140 on movie tickets and $6,480 on retirement watches. Sound familiar? Yes, it is precisely this kind of spending that caused the fall of Rome.

Report finds ‘imprudent spending’ at Postal Service [CNN]

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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73 comments

  1. dr.giraud

    Now I know why they’re trying to close a few post offices in my small urban home–the postal workers wallbangers, shimp and passes to AVATAR more that the poors and the olds need postal services.

  2. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    I agree, this spending is ludicrous. Given that a term has been entered in the lexicon regarding the loss of one’s mind in a violent and deadly manner thanks to postal workers, I’ms hocked we aren’t buying them cocaine AND the stripper’s asses to snort it off of.

  3. JMP

    Yes, well, they deserve a little extra for all the work they do to deliver piles and piles of unsolicited crap to annoy everybody. Which is all that they’re good for now that mail is obsolete; aside from stuff for or from old people.

  4. bitchincamaro

    Yeah well, the joke’s on them ‘cuz all foodies know that “crab cakes” are restaurant code for “kitchen floor sweepings”.

  5. memzilla

    Not to mention the money we spent to outfit their pith helmets with those geeky solar-powered mini-fans. Shame!

  6. Sharkey

    If I worked for the Postal Service, I’d concentrate on stealing stamps. Harvey Wallbangers are too easy to trace.

  7. Norbert

    So what if they were putting postage stamps in their buttcracks and getting another postie to moisten them during hazing? It’s a dangerous job, dammit, and boys will be boys. Um…defund ACORN!!!

  8. Carrie_Okie

    [re=482835]freakishlystrong[/re]: I do. Fuck FedEx. Fuck UPS. Skull fuck DHL. My postal worker will shoot your Courier’s entire family.

  9. ChernobylSoup v2

    When my long-since-departed grandma was postmaster (postmistress?) of her little town, ain’t nobody received any girly magazines. No matter how many times they subscribed. They’d go straight from the inbound bags from the distribution center to the dumpster. Good times.

  10. Way Cool Larry

    [re=482844]Norbert[/re]: Indeed! As long as they weren’t drinking vodka out of their buttcracks, I am okay with it.

  11. slavojzizek

    $14,140 will get you exactly 25 movie tickets here in NYC. And $6,480 will buy about half of a retirement watch at Goldman Sachs.

  12. coolcatdaddy

    Let’s not be too hard on the postal service. They do a great job delivering all those packages to me from ebay sellers, Amazon.com and Netflix so I can stay at home and avoid facing the outside world.

  13. Monsieur Grumpe

    [re=482832]JMP[/re]:
    Don’t belittle junk mail. That unsolicited crap is heating 68.4% of the houses in the good old USA this winter.

    Everybody sing!
    Trucknutz roasting over Wal-Mart ads.

  14. Buzz Feedback

    My letter carrier is some geriatric who drives around in her mail rover with Rush (the fat Republican, not the Canadian three-piece) blaring from the god-damned radio. Pass the shrimp. Also.

  15. snideinplainsight

    Hey, and let me say, even though we had a(n) “historic blizzard” here over the weekend, we still has a postal worker delivering ON FOOT to my mailbox saturday morning. Neither sleet nor etc. If I had to pick one bizarrely paramilitary arm of the federal masters, staffed by borderline autistics and wierdos, it wouldn’t be Blackwater. It would be the guys who literally “haul the mail”.

  16. CaiteeCruelle

    With 700,000 employees, that $800K on fancy food works out to $1.14 per employee. I’m disgusted. How many Wall Street bankers had to give up expensive paintings and vintage desks in their office renovations for this outrage?

  17. finallyhappy

    As a long time Federal employee, I do not think there is any reason for the Postal service to be buying people’s homes so they can relocate- especially the ones who are at the top. The biggest joke I ever heard is that SES level employees can work in many places at many jobs because of their managerial expertise. Since the ones I have known couldn’t do the jobs they had, I know they can’t do anything anywhere else.

  18. donner_froh

    The juxtaposition of ultrafat fat cat looking cute and beefy roid-head Arnold looking Aryan is just the thing to start the week.

  19. Dumptruck

    Well, the whole home purchase for relocation deal was kind of a waste of money, but the whole thing is kind of small beans in comparison to, oh I don’t know… the 1 billion dollars that went missing in Iraq or Dick Cheney’s ivy backscratcher collection.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    Hell, half of that was for one meal: “$355,451 of food provided at a September 2008 national sales educational conference.”
    Knowing salesmen, one of them found the stash of champagne for the party later and ran off with it. Next time they should buy a $5 padlock and save shitloads of money — that they can drink in a way much less conspicuous to auditors.

  21. snideinplainsight

    Also. Let me say, that’s the first proggy retort each of us should give to some bug-eyed teabagger saying “All the government’s job really is is to defense the country.” Fine. Carry your own GD mail.

    Let me say, lots of other parts of the world, you can’t send your buddy a candy bar or a traveller’s check for Kwanza-mas because no matter how many times you try it, it never arrives. It’s a continuous source of wonderment among immigrants (like my wife) that Americans dare to send gift cards or movie tickets or a tiny little bottle of maple syrup through the mail, because in her previous country, all of those things would be reliably boosted by a corrupt postal worker.

    Plus, some of them look pretty good in those tighty blue shorts -

  22. norbizness

    George Costanza: Why are you home? You’re supposed to be out on your route, and getting my calzones for Steinbrenner.

    Newman: Well, I saw that it’s raining outside, so I called in sick. I don’t work in the rain.

    George Costanza: But… you’re a mailman! ‘Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow… ‘ It’s the first one!

    Newman: I’ve never been much for credos.

  23. Cape Clod

    Fat cats are cute. There should be a different name for people for the obcenely spendthrift. Like, blood weasels.

  24. jagorev

    The postal service has about $70 billion in revenue. So this spending would amount to about a thousandth of one percent of USPS revenue (0.001% or thereabouts).

    The post office also has 800,000 employees. This spending on frivolous luxuries amounts to about $1 per employee.

  25. the problem child

    [re=482891]Cape Clod[/re]: Agreed. Fat cats are cute. Which is why it is so hard to say “no” to a fat cat when they are whinging about an empty food dish. So they are also self-perpetuating. That’s my excuse for my cute, fat cat anyway.

  26. DirtyHarriett

    Totally off topic but my employer has blocked some of Wonkette’s greatest hits! Like the stuff I missed over the weekend ’cause I was shoveling (with a broom, mind you)myself out of 20 feet of snow!

  27. Crankenstank

    $6480 on retirement watches, that’s exactly where that multibillion dollar deficit came from. Not from subsidized junk mail rates, or the recession. Those doofuses could learn a thing or two from running the mail like a business, where they work the drones to death before they qualify for watches.

  28. PAbitter

    Sigh. They report that the post office lost 3.8 billion and find less than 1 million in unjustified expenses.
    3,800,000,000-700,000= 3,799,300,000. Yeah, if only they had cut back on the food, the postal service would be doing great.

  29. DangerousLiberal

    [re=482833]Patty Dumpling[/re]: Wrong. Taxpayers don’t fund the post office any more. Postage funds the post office. (Postage is the stamps you buy for sending letters and bills…you know, letters? The things you would send to friends? And bills? When you’d mail checks to people you owned money, like the Malt Shop or the milk man? What? You’ve never even been in a post office?

    These kids today.

  30. Don't Mess with Joe

    POPULIST OUTRAGE! Another example of the guv’ment fleecing the taxpayers! When is Congress going to get down to business and cut the Estate Tax!

  31. Snarkalicious

    [re=482830]I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO[/re]: Actually, that action is subsidized by union dues. They get a bulk discount from ACORN.

  32. ddenby

    [re=482910]PAbitter[/re]: And let’s, the Googles say the Post Office has 656,000 employees, so this is like less than a buck and a half per employee, or the cost of three stamps (or three stamps and one of those fucked up twelve cent stamps or whatever) so really, this is a big deal? Yes, because it smells of socialism. If even one of these partygoers was a muslin terrorist, the USPS, and of course its leader Barack Obama, is a state sponsor of terrorism. To Gitmo/Illinois!

  33. dijetlo

    Now, now, let’s not be negative about the junk mail, people.
    Somebody buys it, somebody designs it, somebody prints it, somebody addresses it and somebody has to use it for kindling. Other than Banking, Insurance and butt secks in the public mensroom, it’s about the only part of the economy still turning a profit.
    So read your junk mail, if you still have money, use it to buy the things advertised and tell everybody you buy things from ” I’m only here because of your fascinating advertising media delivered to my household via a bulk rate mail run.” It doesn’t matter whether you got anything from them or not, seriously…most business owners are ‘tards and don’t remember if they are doing direct mail. Tell them you have a coupon and you lost it, you might get discount!
    Yer uncle Dijetlo has about a zillion children and all them little bastards expect to eat at least once a day (Mrs Uncle Dijetlo turns into a real bitch if she has to skip a meal as well) so this is important, don’t dis the bulk mail. Lil’ Wang-Chungs college education depends on it.
    Thank you

  34. June Cleaver 2.0

    [re=482835]freakishlystrong[/re]: “Who fucking mails anything anymore anyway? Anyhoo?”

    Old fashion lady raises her hand. I even have a fountain pen, bottles of ink, and monogrammed stationery. People keep my letters, but delete your emails. So there.

  35. uncletravelingmatt

    Uh-yup. John Stossel’s Mustache must be righteously pissed. This is the worst use of taxpayer money ever. Much worse than paying some nutjob sitting in a storage unit in Reno to decode hidden bar code messages in Al Jazeera broadcasts.

  36. Mr Blifil

    Considering that until the Columbine massacre, postal workers were considered emblematic of maniacal spree killers, this is the least we can do to keep them mollified. If the choice is cheap drinks and trays of hors d’oeuvres versus pools of blood beneath the teller window, I choose the former.

  37. 102415

    I love Forever Stamps because that one time I need a stamp it works. It’s so wonderfully Communistic. That’s all.

  38. M.Yazz

    We had to move our mailbox down the street because the mail carrier dude was too lazy to back up and turn his car around at the end of our street.

    So much for “neither rain, nor sleet, nor having to back up and turn around in driveways shall keep these couriers from their appointed rounds.” Also.

  39. Cape Clod

    [re=482899]the problem child[/re]: I had a cat once that literally ran to its food dish every time I stood up. It was the size of a bowling ball.

  40. Manos: Hands of Fate

    That might explain why I didn’t get my mail on Saturday. Neither rain, nor snow my ass.

  41. the problem child

    [re=482962]Cape Clod[/re]: A bowling ball with excellent sprinting ability, so you must have been doing something right as a parent.

  42. Fuck Toad

    “Old fashion lady raises her hand. I even have a fountain pen, bottles of ink, and monogrammed stationery. People keep my letters, but delete your emails. So there.”

    Except that I can keep an email in my gmail forever, and search for it, while most letters I receive usually end up in a pile of recycling after I clean my room. Ha!

  43. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=482850]ChernobylSoup v2[/re]: Your Grandma is solely responsible for the wrapping of naughty magazines in non-see-thru plastic, as is currently the practice. Btw, I’ve often wondered what the mail carrier thinks when he’s delivering my pr0n. Something like: “More pr0n for Mr. Roscoe P. Coltraine – I wonder how [good/sick/hawt] this shit must be.”

  44. MOG

    Another old lady who still uses the mail, but also uses email and Facebook. My niece in nursing school loves to stay in touch with me via FB. But she loves my occasional cards even more.. because I send her checks.

  45. binarian

    [re=483076]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Don’t kid yourself. By the time it gets to you it’s almost worn out.

  46. problemwithcaring

    I have a letter that my dead father sent to me years ago, yellowing now a little six years hence. It has affixed stamp of some long dead Black guy he wanted me to read up on, and a cut out of some magazine article he was excited about at the time. I plan to give teh contents to my nephew one day and show him about his granddad.

    But yea, unlimited storage on gmail. yay

  47. engulfedinflames

    That’s my cat, Stella! She’s the alpha cat here and jumps in the bath tub when I’m pooping so I turn the water on to a slow drip which she drinks from her paw. Also my beautiful wife just retired from the post office, she was a window clerk so kind, generous and loving that she had several elderly people who stood in line every day to buy one stamp just so they could talk with her. Merry Christmas everybody.

Comments are closed.