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Terrible Demon Tom Coburn Offers To Cover God’s Medicaid Expansion Beyond 2019 If He Just Kills Robert Byrd

The always admirable Sen. Dick Durbin — Barack Obama’s white father — is super upset with the behavior of this health care debate’s most shameless Senate C-Streeter, Tom Coburn, a dick. He is demanding that Coburn “explain” an earlier prayer call for a Democratic senator to miss tonight’s 1 a.m. cloture vote, SOMEHOW. Hmm. Which senator’s circumstances are most likely to prevent him (or her! women!) from reaching a super-important 1 a.m. vote?

Maybe it’s Robert Byrd, the one who is famously dying and 107 years old? (It’s most likely that he died some months ago — Harry Reid is just pulling a lil’ Weekend At Bernie’s action until this health fucker passes.)

So sad that the clubby friendships of the Senate have become so strained. In fact this is every American’s problem and the most important issue to each of them. Time to call for an open “house meeting” to repair these friendships, just like in a mid-season Real World episode.

[Windy City Watch]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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68 comments

  1. mookworthjwilson

    I can’t say anything…I pray nightly that all of Tom Coburn’s relatives get incurable jockrot.

  2. NYNYNY

    Robert Byrd was on the original “Real World: New York” magazine serial the ran in the North American Review.

  3. June Cleaver 2.0

    I have been thinking about Byrd, but hoping that he hangs on through his term. Can you imagine the cold-hearted Coburn walking into his doctor’s office and pulling on gloves to examine someone. Hands and heart both too cold. Brrr

  4. Hunger Tallest Palin

    Cockburn’s attempt to make God into his personal ninja assassin will backfire when, at 11.38 p.m. God will move several Republicans to mount a simultaneous multi-pronged attack on the same glory hole in a Union Station bathroom. What with the snow and the EMTs laughing so hard and the news crews jostling for the best camera angles and all, they don’t make it back in time for the vote.

    And God is filling Cobag’s favourite dildo with fire ants. Also.

  5. imissopus

    In all seriousness, does anyone know why the vote is scheduled for 1 A.M.? Is it the result of some parliamentary delaying tactic by the Republicans, or is it just Reid twisting the knife on them a little?

  6. WadISay

    Any chance the Coburn, Inhof and some of these other guys will get raptured so we can do single payer?

  7. Buzz Feedback

    [re=482668]imissopus[/re]: That’s when the cloture motion “ripens” and it’s the earliest they can vote on it. Harry is in a big rush to get back to NV so he can bite the heads off small children.

  8. El Pinche

    Reid’s been pulling a Weekend at Bernie’s for years now. And Pelosi’s been doing her best Mannequin. The Halls of Congress lead to terrible Andrew McCarthy movies.

  9. Joshua Norton

    This Jesus stuff isn’t helping these wing-nutters at all. Maybe they should try sacrificing a chicken on the Capitol steps.

    Then again, they may be squeamish about killing one of their own.

  10. FlipOffResearch

    Dear lord Jesus Christ, please lead this hundred and seven year old man to his destiny. So that the insurance companies may continue to reap huge profits, and to use some of that money to bribe me. In order that I may do your work here on earth. Amen

  11. CaliforniaMike

    We used to get senators from the West like Jefferson Smith, although Frank Capra never did say exactly what state he was from. Imagine ol’ Jeff coming back from visiting the Lincoln Memorial and then cleaning out that whole C Street crowd like Jeebus smiting the moneychangers.

    Dang, Amurika was fun then.

  12. the problem child

    The least these fuckers can do is stay up to vote. And if possible,die, shortly thereafter. Preferably in Democratic-leaning states.

  13. Mr Blifil

    It’s not fair to call out a Senate colleague for attacks on comity when you know he’s out in the parking lot sucking the dicks of every single person on his security detail.

  14. lulzmonger

    It’s just like all those Jeebus Freaks who were praying in vain for it to rain on Obama’s parade last year – only deathier.

    MORAL: God Hates Republicans.

  15. iburl

    …”Harry Reid is just pulling a lil’ Weekend At Bernie’s action until this health fucker passes.”…

    ———————————————-

    Our entire government is Bernie.

    This Health Fucker = a very apt phrase, kudos.

  16. DustBowlBlues

    Yes, yes, yes. Here it is, my default apology for the ijits okies send to congress. I worked my ass off trying to elect a Democrat (one so conservative that he’d be tarred, feathered and run out of town if he showed his face in Seattle city limits.) Still, Club for Growth and our local dickwads, Chesapeake Energy put enough money into Spooky Doktor Tom’s coffers that they could buy a jillion ads featuring Brad Carson with Hillary Clinton. Not together, mind you, but on a sort of Rubiks cube of Democratic pictures. Carson’s finance guy told me they even returned the checks that Barbra Streisand and Hillary Clinton sent to them.

    That was it. That was enough–just a picture of Carson and Clinton and these morons were convinced he was a baby-killin.’ gay marryin’, gun hatin’ liberal.

    Jesus Christ, but okies are stupid.

    BTW–This is nothing new for conservatards. I remember the news roundup on “Religion and Ethics News Weekly” reported that Pat Robertson had called for national, 21 days of prayer effort to “open up a vacancy on the Supreme Court” while Junior was president. I presume a resignation would have been okay, but they’d a take a death, too.

    And how exactly is it that these people AREN’T inciting violent acts toward public officials?

  17. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    [re=482668]imissopus[/re]: [re=482670]Buzz Feedback[/re]: Buzz is right, but I’m going to run with imissopus’s knife twisting scenario anyway. Reid growing a pair is a long held wet dream of mine. In fact, I’m going to go pretend that after the cloture motion passes, Reid bellows out something like, “And I’d like all of my Republicans to suck my dick on C-SPAN…” then I’m going to fap myself to sleep.


  18. Post author
    Jim Newell

    [re=482698]obfuscator[/re]: It wouldn’t change shit. Ben Nelson and Joe Lieberman and whoever else would not become different people, and 60 votes would still be necessary. Although maybe having a new name instead of “Harry Reid” would have kind of a “fresh start” feeling. But what the fuck does that even mean?

    And Harry Reid is of course a wiener but my god, he’s kept this impossible thing moving along in extraordinarily retarded circumstances. You’ve got to give him credit for that. I’ve kind of backed away from the whole “WHY HASN’T HE STRIPPED CHAIRMANSHIPS??” arguments, because I don’t think that would do anything other than lose needed (if awful votes.) After 2010 though, if the Dems are down to 55-57 seats, then those might become more valuable.

    The Senate is an awful institution.

  19. memzilla

    [re=482699]Jim Newell[/re]: Well, one thing is for sure, Joe Lieberschmuck would still be bag-o’-poison-rat-dicks-eatin’ worthy.

    But what ever happened to that whole “cooling saucer” thing the Founding Fathers envisioned the Senate to be?

  20. WadISay

    Yeah, Harry Reid gave it 100% and did about as well as anybody could have done with 59 votes. I propose a one week moratorium on calling him a spineless, nutless pussy. As for Lieberman, let him be shunned. And any time he utters so much as the time of day, let him be asked why anyone should believe his dissembling, droopy ass.


  21. Post author
    Jim Newell

    [re=482701]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: I’m on CSPAN2… Harry Reid just mixed up the AARP and NAACP, in his closing speech. IT WILL BE ON SOME MANY BLOGS IN THE MORNING. Ha ha, gaffe! Kill me.

  22. waitforsugar

    Holy fuck, Harry Reid is bringing out legless children stories. Where the fuck has this Harry Reid been? He shouldn’t have spoken a goddamn word for months that didn’t somehow reference this story.

  23. Buzz Feedback

    “In the time I’ve been speaking, our broken system has claimed two lives.”

    Hurry up and vote dood man bro!

  24. obfuscator

    [re=482699]Jim Newell[/re]: i mostly agree, but my hypothetical was more of a “what if dick durbin had been majority leader all along” kind of thing. not sure if it would have made a difference, but harry reid’s tenure as majority leader has been spotty. burris appointment, lieberman mutiny, etc.

    sadly, i’m with you on the “strip lieberman of his chairmanships!” thing. it would be so fucking satisfying to see joey liebs and walnuts! assplode in a geriatric orgasm of self-righteous indignation, but it would only hurt the democratic head count at the end of the day.

    fuck. shit. goddamn. THROW ANOTHER SNOWBALL! THROW ANOTHER SNOWBALL!!!

  25. obfuscator

    [re=482703]Jim Newell[/re]: he could have just said ‘old fuckerz’ and saved himself some grief. THROW ANOTHER SNOWBALL.

  26. Fox News Light

    Where is your God now Coburn?? Instead of killing old guys he just smote the country by putting it on the track to marginally better health coverage.

  27. imissopus

    [re=482699]Jim Newell[/re]: Just tonight Feingold and Webb both put out statements in which they took shots at Obama for not proposing his own bill or giving the Senate more direction or whatever. Christ, how whiny. If he’d been more pushy they’d have been whining about his injecting himself into Congress’s business too much and reminding him they were a separate and equal branch of government, etc. etc. Obama met with Nelson three times in the last week and a half and it still came down to the wire with that asshole, and tonight Mike Huckabee STILL called Nelson “Judas” for making that abortion deal. This is a body that is ill-suited to the times, it sucks, now work with what you’ve got and pass the damn bill.

    No wonder Obama wanted to run for president…the Senate’s full of enormous shitheads.

    Okay, rant over, I’m calm now.

  28. obfuscator

    [re=482715]imissopus[/re]: barry looked at the failed “hillarycare” initiative and decided not to write health care reform legislation. he let the congress handle it. WHAT WAS HE THINKING? GREEN BALLOONS!

  29. imissopus

    [re=482717]obfuscator[/re]: I was so busy being pissed I forgot about hilarycare. You’re right. But that’ll learn him to let Congress make laws! Also, too!

  30. chascates

    I was afraid Lieberman might get buyer’s remorse after hearing what all Nelson got and throw a wrench in the proceedings.

  31. Escape Goat Nation

    This is probably a stupid question but can they do that? Is it legal?
    Nebraska can get more stuff? Won’t other States raise holy hell?


  32. Post author
    Jim Newell

    [re=482715]imissopus[/re]: Ugh yet again I have tried to write a brief comment about my thoughts on this motherfucker and ended up writing like 300 words before deleting it because it would take forever to finish. I am starting to save them all, these abandoned meandering comments, in Notepad though, so maybe I will just copy-paste the collective thousands of words of uncut bullshit into one post later, for no one to read. I have sent terrible health care e-mails like these out of the blue to friends and ‘blogger e-mail acquaintances.’ Most of them never respond out of terror. but it’s a vent. I don’t know what i’m supposed to in my role here. we’re supposed to be comedy and that’s a valuable discipline. but converting all of this depressing bullshit we read all day into easily digestible 100-word joke grafs isn’t getting any easier…

  33. chascates

    [re=482722]Jim Newell[/re]: Send it to Shorts. He’ll publish it. I’d like to read your thoughts.

  34. evh

    I’m forced to come to one of two conclusions. Either God favors health reform, or He refuses to listen to any prayers directed to Him by Tom Coburn.

  35. SayItWithWookies

    [re=482715]imissopus[/re]: Huckabee calling Nelson a judas is pretty interesting, what with Huck being pretty much Jesus in the midwest. It’s as though our savior’s vengeful corpse rolls the stone from in front of his tomb, hops on a motorcycle and turns into a flaming skeleton to pursue his wrongdoers. A Judas — really? It’s a strange accusation coming from someone in the opposition party.
    The weirdest thing about this, though, is that neither Lieberman nor Nelson came up with some sort of half-assed random objection at the very very last minute. At the same time I always thought that they really just wanted to kill the bill entirely. Maybe they’re setting themselves up to take credit if it succeeds and to argue, if it fails, that things would’ve been much worse had they not intervened. Okay, puzzle over. It’s nice when an apparent anomaly can be explained by the most blatantly CYA political move — even strangeness is just a rare permutation of known principles.

  36. gurukalehuru

    So, they’re praying that we all die and we’re praying that they all die.
    Y’know, we could settle this with a snowball fight.

  37. villageatrois

    “Dick” Durbin is aptly named. He wants to roust everyone at 1 a.m. to vote for an aborted healthcare bill that has lost everything we wanted and kept only the surtaxes and fines. They shoulda slept in. Nobody is gonna be happy about this mega-failure, which passes anyway, with nothing worthwhile left in it.

    Since Oral Roberts isn’t here, I guess it’s up to me to tell y’all that Gawd’s judgement is obvious — He didn’t dump twenty inches of snow on D.C. on the Lord’s day just so these alleged Senators could show up for work in the middle of Winter Solstice night, sacred to pagans (from which Gawd is descended). And here’s a prophesy, too: Gawd will smite Senator Byrd for rolling in for the vote, and IT WILL HAPPEN SOON. (by April 1 — 10:1 odds, July 1– 8:1, September 1 — 6:1.) Who wants to make bank on this?

    When the people get a whiff of all the little buy-offs in this bill, there will be absolute bloody hell to pay. SAC Base? WTF. Perpetual Federal Medicaid in Montana? WTF. And no single payer? WTF. No Medicare expansion except in Vermont and Nebraska? WTF. No public option? WTF. Freebies for pharmaceutical companies? WTF. Etcetera? WTF, WTF, WTF.

  38. dijetlo

    [re=482721]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: The entire state of Nebraska 1,783,432 souls, roughly 75% of the population of the Queens County, NY or slightly less than the number of people who live in Montgomery and Prince Georges County MD. combined.
    So, if you’re wondering WTF is wrong with the Senate, I think you need to look no further.

  39. JamesMichaelCurley

    [re=482668]imissopus[/re]: Both, Reid is scheduling things so he can get three more procdural (including cloture)votes in and a simple majority vote on the bill done by 12/25/09. That is a lot of scheduling. The Republicans will through every vote blocking scam (mandatory review periods, mandatory debate periods and mandatory post vote motions) at the process. The policy is to cut the democrats NO slack, hope something goes off the rails and the vote on the bill gets delayed until 01/04/09 at the next earliest date. Then, the Republicans, in their dire self delusion that every one thinks they are heroes; are predicting a Lieberman, Nelson, Lincoln or Webb will waiver and the bill will fail.

  40. Oldskool

    I hafta say, I thought the deal they cut with Ben Nelson was comical. Now he looks like more of a shamelessly corrupt dickhead than anyone thought. Makes you wonder if they were smiling a little bit when they said, “Sure Ben, that won’t be a problem”.

  41. TubeCity

    All this effort to pass humane legislation despite filibuster rules will seem so futile when the Republicans again have a majority. With a simple ruling on the rules, they’ll abolish the filibuster, so they can pass the Freedom Crusade With the Troops Act and shut down the Internet except for prayer sites. Then this whole effort will look so funny, Jim! A delayed punch line! So relax!

  42. Gumboz1953

    I like the description of Senator Byrd’s vote. He raised his “index finger” in the air when he voted “aye”. Too bad he didn’t raise the finger next to it. God, that would have been so awesome, and a fitting rebuke to Dr. Death.

    But he did supposedly punch the air in defiance. I’d like to see a clip of that.

    Dems should take Dr. Death’s remarks and plaster it in every large media outlet in the country.

  43. glamourdammerung

    [re=482756]JamesMichaelCurley[/re]: Also, the GOP wants to stall the bill over the winter break in hopes of having the teatard brigade somehow sway public opinion by throwing more temper tantrums.

  44. Escape Goat Nation

    [re=482755]dijetlo[/re]: I know how big Nebraska is…I’m soaking in it. I guess I’m supposed to be taunting and gloating that I get more stuff than other people, but I’m not.
    It’s not fair to the other 300 Million some odd Americans.
    How can it be legal? Don’t get me wrong, I’m 100% for HCR, but as is, it just sounds squirrely.

    Oh, P.S.
    Huckabee, stay the fuck in your Fox studio. I don’t need you in my backyard telling me what’s best for Nebraska.
    You have some serious fuckin’ nerve.

  45. zhubajie

    [re=482669]WadISay[/re]: More likely swallowed by the earth, like Korah in the Bible (Numbers 16:32).

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