Millions of D.C.’s hippest Twitterers coordinated a massive cross-street snowball fight at the major intersection of U & 14th streets NW today, to regale in the fruits of God’s most terrifying thundersnowstorm from Hell. A victory for spontaneous social network organizing! Or not? Because at some point during this apocalyptic spectacle, a frustrated undercover cop was trying to navigate his car down the barely plowed U Street, only to reach the masses of unhinged Twitter Snowballers. This didn’t make his drive any easier. And then a few of them pegged his car with snowballs, leading to the worst massacre in human history.
This annoyed the dickens out of him, so he got out of his car, yelled, and briefly took out his gun to scare the little fucks. The crowd soon began chanting “Don’t bring a gun to a snowball fight,” knowing full well that this crisp bit of soft irony would make for the perfect viral tweet, and maybe an amusing Tumblr, which usually leads to a book deal — and even more Tumblrs!
Here’s a video of a uniformed cop mediating the dispute between the undercover gun cop and some terrified Twitterers. It was clearly the most outrageous abuse of police power against the helpless urban poor since… well, whatever probably happened in Anacostia 15 seconds before this. Seventeen, eighteen murders? Unimportant! This angry cop took out his gun next to some snowballers who had just pummeled his car in the middle of the major street, you guys! Where are their civil rights? WHERE ARE THEIR CIVIL RIGHTS? 9/11 is a joke.