Ha! We have only just discovered the awesomeness that is this Washington Post “Person of the Decade” Tournament, which has now been pared down to two finalists: George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden beat Barack Obama in the semi-finals! What a surreal, hilarious sentence that was to write, for reasons as yet unclear. But yeah, George W. Bush, Osama bin Laden. It’s so terrifyingly accurate. And both are still at large. Have a drink, America. [Washington Post via Matt Yglesias]

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  1. What are the criteria for this insane contest? Ah, most INFLUENTIAL person of the decade, that makes more sense. But Paris Hilton lost to Lance Armstrong? Get real. And Dick Cheney lost to…who? Who are those guys?

    I think I would actually have to vote for W, finally, in this election, if in no other.

  2. Steve Jobs beat out Jon Stewart? That doesn’t seem right. And JK Rowling beat out Al Gore? Hmmmm…who the hell is doing the eliminating?

  3. Finally, a clear cut opportunity to allow the terrorists to win once and for all so we can get back our old, pre-9-11 lives of keeping our shoes on at the airport and bringing beverages onto a plane. Tasty tasty malted beverages.

  4. I’m totally replacing m “Last Night of Hannukah Party” with “December Madness Bracket Party”. The bank-merger one was much funnier, though. And it made sense.

    [re=481809]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Yeah, how exactly is the seeding done for this? And what if, in “fantasy person of the decade” JK Rowling and Steve Jobs had won? What then?

  5. [re=481809]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: It was decided by reader vote. Never underestimate the power of pretentious Apple snobs to inappropriately evangelize for their messiah; er a, favorite product.

  6. [re=481824]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: it’s never too late to start grooming SKOAL REBEL as the hero of the next decade, seeing as this decade was pretty gay as hell.

  7. The whole contest was contrived so that Obama could settle it, by inviting the finalists over, for a beer at the Whitehouse. Forget dialysis and forget recovery, it’s a chance to hang with Barry, while the teevees watch.

  8. [re=481822]Delicious[/re]: But who sold more books, huh? I don’t seem to remember children standing in line for hours trying to buy copies of “Osama Bin Laden and the Prisoner of Warzistan” or “Osama Bin Laden and the Goblet of Death to America”

  9. [re=481837]mollymcguire[/re]: ACORN must have rigged teh results! Real merkins woudl vote TRUCKNUTZ!

    Or maybe the mysterious “Page & Brin” are the inventors of Trucknutz? Who else that no-one’s heard of could be more important that Clinton & Cheney?

  10. Okay, think about it this way. It’s now illegal for the Swiss to build a minaret thanks to Osama Bin Laden.

    Yeesh, it’s so depressing just how hardcore the terrorists won.

  11. Just let that settle into your head for a second. OBL is the cause for a type of ARCHITECTURE getting outlawed. If that ain’t influence, I don’t know what is.

  12. [re=481868]I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO[/re]: also, they rejiggered the construction/fire safety rules for skyscrapers as well, officially due to Osama. But unofficially, you know what really happened…

  13. They put Obama up against Hu? Way to go, Washington Post — you just like pissing off the Chinese for no reason now, huh? Well they were bound to call in their debts sooner or later.

    And how is it that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie didn’t even make the first round? They’re annoying as hell, but I sure saw them every damn day for the past ten years.

  14. Kind of sad that the finale isn’t another match up between Hilary (who got beat in round one by two dudes nobody’s ever heard of) and Obama. Obama v. Hilary–those were fun times, weren’t they?

  15. [re=481893]Way Cool Larry[/re]: To be fair, I think Dubya did far more lasting damage to the country than bin Laden did. Although in a way it should go to both of them together, since the pair acting together did more than either one of them could’ve accomplished alone. They’re like America’s ex-spouse and best friend in a nasty divorce.

  16. [re=481938]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Yeah, they’re like a really fucked up Captain Planet or Wonder Twins.

    Wait, it’s like HOLY WAR VOLTRON!

  17. [re=481995]Bearbloke[/re]: If you give a man a poisson distribution, he can express the probability of a number of events occurring in a fixed period of time if these events occur with a known average rate and independently of the time since the last event for a day. If you teach a man about the poisson distribution…

  18. [re=481991]Georgia Burning[/re]: I’d actually go with Bush because I think Osama will win the unofficial vote count but Bush will win the official vote count as a bunch of old Jews in Silver Spring who wanted to vote for Osama will get confused on the Post’s web site and accidentally vote for Paris Hilton instead.

  19. Ok, I’m trying to imagine how the tournament got to this point. I think it went something like this:

    1. Google beat Hillary in the primaries, because the bitters don’t have broadband access.

    2. Cheney sucked off Bernanke and the banks, thus gaining their power through semen.

    3. Lance Armstrong got a steroid filled boob job and got cancer, gaining the sympathy vote over Paris Hilton.

    4. Bush/Geithner same as Cheney/Bernanke

    On the other side, in the first round:

    1. JK Rowling was just plain easier to deal with than Al Gore (but only barely).

    2. our man Osama vs. “Mark Zuckerberg” …hmm, sounds Jewish.

    3. Steve Jobs defeats Jon Stewart, because you have to have one upset in the first round.

    4. Obama? who? Hu?

    Round 2, left hand side:

    1. Gee-W lands a fighter plane just in front of Lance Armstrong’s bike in the Tour de Surrender Monkey Nation.

    2. Google cannot be tortured for information, because information wants to be free. So Cheney’s got nothing.

    Round 2, right hand side:

    1. Our man Osama tells a better fairy tale than the kiddie porn wizard gal.

    2. Obama sends Steve Jobs to the death panel, because he hates jobs and wants everyone on welfare.

    Bush over Google by using private email accounts to conduct official Person of the Decade business.
    Osama over Obama because NO SOCIALIST MUSLINS!!!

  20. Let’s see, one of the two finalists still has a political career, so I that means guess Osama Bin Laden is the ultimate Person of the Zeroes.

    How the fuck does a person be “of the decade” anyway? People who do shit come and go, but you’d think during any arbitrarily-selected period of 10 years, there ought to be at least one person who consistently represents what it means to be sane and decent without fail. The only one in that mass of vomit who fits the description is Jon Stewart, so of course he’s eliminated first round. These are the Zeroes.

    Washington Post, can’t you just go back to whining about how your type of journalism is dead, so that I will never have to hear about you again?

  21. Bush and OBL…they’re Siamese twins. They defined a truly fucked-up decade together. They need to share each other’s space, air (and perhaps a jail cell.) Separate them and they each become superfluous.

  22. I never expected to see the Post acting in such limp-minded fashion — it would be comical if it weren’t so sad. It was a force just a few years ago, and now it’s a bunch of lost souls talking to each other and playing silly games like this. Papers replaced street-smart reporters with clueless college kids in the 70’s and 80’s (starting with George Will, who embodies the problem), and they have taken the press empires down. This “contest” is about as street-stupid as it gets.

  23. There really isn’t much of a question who wins in the finals. Osama is much taller than Bush, so he can post him up down low and dunk over him. In addition, Osama plays the Euro style, where big men can pop outside and hit the 3-pointer.

    Dubya is just a slow, short white guy. He’s got no game.

    Osama, 11-2.

  24. Where in blazes is Jenna Jameson? Sure, she’s faded a tad the past coupla years, but then so have the pious frauds who made the finals. If only WaPo weren’t too embarrassed to acknowledge what a force she’s been in our “culture” throughout this Stoly-soaked olive of a decade.

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