THE IPOD AND WAR DECADE  4:08 pm December 18, 2009

Oh, We Are So ‘Team Osama’

by Jim Newell

Ha! We have only just discovered the awesomeness that is this Washington Post “Person of the Decade” Tournament, which has now been pared down to two finalists: George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden beat Barack Obama in the semi-finals! What a surreal, hilarious sentence that was to write, for reasons as yet unclear. But yeah, George W. Bush, Osama bin Laden. It’s so terrifyingly accurate. And both are still at large. Have a drink, America. [Washington Post via Matt Yglesias]

 
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{ 80 comments }

Mr Blifil December 18, 2009 at 4:11 pm

Their livers and kidneys are about equally well off.

qwerty42 December 18, 2009 at 4:13 pm

so will this end in some weird texas death match or whatever?

Surfeit O'Hubris December 18, 2009 at 4:14 pm

It would make a great reality show if Shrub, The Dick, and Osama were all cell mates at the Hague.

earnestcivilservant December 18, 2009 at 4:17 pm

What are the criteria for this insane contest? Ah, most INFLUENTIAL person of the decade, that makes more sense. But Paris Hilton lost to Lance Armstrong? Get real. And Dick Cheney lost to…who? Who are those guys?

I think I would actually have to vote for W, finally, in this election, if in no other.

Suds McKenzie December 18, 2009 at 4:18 pm

Lets settle this on Sunday, SUNday, SUNDAY!!

The King of Spoons December 18, 2009 at 4:18 pm

THAT IS SOME GOOD REPORTING WASHINGONT POST

earnestcivilservant December 18, 2009 at 4:19 pm

It must be Friday. To find out who L. Page and S. Brin are, you know what I did? I googled them. LOL!

Buzz Feedback December 18, 2009 at 4:19 pm

Bin is going to be disappointed that Zuckerberg is an atheist and not a Jew.

gurukalehuru December 18, 2009 at 4:19 pm

Yo mama.

Texan Bulldoggette December 18, 2009 at 4:19 pm

Steve Jobs beat out Jon Stewart? That doesn’t seem right. And JK Rowling beat out Al Gore? Hmmmm…who the hell is doing the eliminating?

Texan Bulldoggette December 18, 2009 at 4:20 pm

And since I can’t read 2 point type, who are the twins against Hillz? Really–I thought those Siamese guys died years ago.

snideinplainsight December 18, 2009 at 4:21 pm

I’m sorry, I’ve still gotta vote for Julie Andrews.

bitchincamaro December 18, 2009 at 4:22 pm

Is Osama winning an Ipod from teh Wonkette? Huh, wha?

sezme December 18, 2009 at 4:23 pm

Wait, Lance Armstrong beat Paris Hilton? Where’s the secret sex tape then?

JMP December 18, 2009 at 4:23 pm

In the final round, Bush will run off to have a match against Saddam Hussein and let Osama win.

Dumptruck December 18, 2009 at 4:23 pm

Finally, a clear cut opportunity to allow the terrorists to win once and for all so we can get back our old, pre-9-11 lives of keeping our shoes on at the airport and bringing beverages onto a plane. Tasty tasty malted beverages.

gurukalehuru December 18, 2009 at 4:24 pm

How did they pick their nominees and who the fuck is Mark Zuckerberg?

Suds McKenzie December 18, 2009 at 4:24 pm

[re=481810]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I think its Harold and Kumar.

sezme December 18, 2009 at 4:25 pm

Anyway, between Bush and Bin Laden, I think it’s pretty obvious who is responsible for who. Today we are all islamofascists.

Advocatus_Diaboli December 18, 2009 at 4:25 pm

I smell a Pulitzer!11!!one!11

gurukalehuru December 18, 2009 at 4:26 pm

Trig.

depraved indifference engine December 18, 2009 at 4:27 pm

I’m totally replacing m “Last Night of Hannukah Party” with “December Madness Bracket Party”. The bank-merger one was much funnier, though. And it made sense.

[re=481809]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Yeah, how exactly is the seeding done for this? And what if, in “fantasy person of the decade” JK Rowling and Steve Jobs had won? What then?

Delicious December 18, 2009 at 4:27 pm

[re=481809]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Yeah, but Bin Laden kicked the shit out of Harry Potter.

shortsshortsshorts December 18, 2009 at 4:27 pm

And to think I had 50 bucks on SKOAL REBEL. When will Newspaper’s realize the Internet really is their enemy?

JMP December 18, 2009 at 4:27 pm

[re=481809]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: It was decided by reader vote. Never underestimate the power of pretentious Apple snobs to inappropriately evangelize for their messiah; er a, favorite product.

organiccoffee December 18, 2009 at 4:29 pm

Ronald Reagan didn’t win?

THIS IS TREASON!

Whiskeybaby December 18, 2009 at 4:31 pm

Amazing that Timmy Geithner didn’t get further.

doxastic December 18, 2009 at 4:35 pm

So J.K. Rowling gets knocked out by a mysterious cave-dwelling dirty wizard? Appropriate!

slappypaddy December 18, 2009 at 4:36 pm

oh, the inanity! (and all the passengers screaming around here)

chascates December 18, 2009 at 4:38 pm

Cheney combines both Bush & bin Ladin. He was the main force of evil during the past decade.

Dumptruck December 18, 2009 at 4:38 pm

[re=481824]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: it’s never too late to start grooming SKOAL REBEL as the hero of the next decade, seeing as this decade was pretty gay as hell.

NYNYNY December 18, 2009 at 4:40 pm

I had to google those guys who Bush beat. They are das googlemakers. I guess I want Bush to win. Bin Laden is such a dick.

villageatrois December 18, 2009 at 4:40 pm

The whole contest was contrived so that Obama could settle it, by inviting the finalists over, for a beer at the Whitehouse. Forget dialysis and forget recovery, it’s a chance to hang with Barry, while the teevees watch.

mollymcguire December 18, 2009 at 4:42 pm

[re=481826]JMP[/re]: Speaking of evangelizing for a favorite product, why aren’t Trucknutz on this list?

magic titty December 18, 2009 at 4:43 pm

Haha. NOsama totally pwned Facebook.

prizepig December 18, 2009 at 4:44 pm

Snubbed again! damn you washington post. don’t you know that I was Time’s Person of the Year in 2006!?!

Hooray For Anything December 18, 2009 at 4:45 pm

[re=481822]Delicious[/re]: But who sold more books, huh? I don’t seem to remember children standing in line for hours trying to buy copies of “Osama Bin Laden and the Prisoner of Warzistan” or “Osama Bin Laden and the Goblet of Death to America”

JMP December 18, 2009 at 5:01 pm

[re=481837]mollymcguire[/re]: ACORN must have rigged teh results! Real merkins woudl vote TRUCKNUTZ!

Or maybe the mysterious “Page & Brin” are the inventors of Trucknutz? Who else that no-one’s heard of could be more important that Clinton & Cheney?

Native of SL UT December 18, 2009 at 5:04 pm

Paris fucking Hilton! And we’re supposed to take this seriously? Why not on option for Brittany’s open crotch shots too?

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO December 18, 2009 at 5:07 pm

Okay, think about it this way. It’s now illegal for the Swiss to build a minaret thanks to Osama Bin Laden.

Yeesh, it’s so depressing just how hardcore the terrorists won.

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO December 18, 2009 at 5:12 pm

Just let that settle into your head for a second. OBL is the cause for a type of ARCHITECTURE getting outlawed. If that ain’t influence, I don’t know what is.

Lascauxcaveman December 18, 2009 at 5:18 pm

Shit! I had JK Rowling and 6.5 points. LOOOZER in the first round.

Way Cool Larry December 18, 2009 at 5:19 pm

[re=481868]I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO[/re]: also, they rejiggered the construction/fire safety rules for skyscrapers as well, officially due to Osama. But unofficially, you know what really happened…

Delicious December 18, 2009 at 5:20 pm

[re=481841]Hooray For Anything[/re]: I’d buy those books….does he have a romantic interest?

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO December 18, 2009 at 5:21 pm

[re=481880]Way Cool Larry[/re]: No I dont’ know what really happened unofficially, and I’m afraid to find out.

Way Cool Larry December 18, 2009 at 5:22 pm

Anyway, it clearly is Osama– an epic enemy of near mythical proportions who can never be allowed to die. Bush is just a joke.

Way Cool Larry December 18, 2009 at 5:23 pm

Although who doesn’t think the Post will pick Bush in the end? Or do we get to vote on this?

SayItWithWookies December 18, 2009 at 5:27 pm

They put Obama up against Hu? Way to go, Washington Post — you just like pissing off the Chinese for no reason now, huh? Well they were bound to call in their debts sooner or later.

And how is it that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie didn’t even make the first round? They’re annoying as hell, but I sure saw them every damn day for the past ten years.

Bearbloke December 18, 2009 at 5:34 pm

[re=481854]Native of SL UT[/re]: Britney would be poisson of the decade…

slavojzizek December 18, 2009 at 5:44 pm

This is a JOKE, people. The real contest will be next week. The two finalists are Ralph Nader and Ron Paul.

Dumptruck December 18, 2009 at 5:46 pm

WHERE IS TRIG? WHY MUST YOU MAKE FUN OF MY RETARD NEEDS BABBY?!?

Snarkalicious December 18, 2009 at 5:51 pm

My snark gland haz a sad at the lack of Palin and Putin.

OzoneTom December 18, 2009 at 5:52 pm

It WAS a pretty sh*tty decade wasn’t it?

Hooray For Anything December 18, 2009 at 5:57 pm

[re=481883]Delicious[/re]: Muhja al-Hermoine

slavojzizek December 18, 2009 at 5:59 pm

Kind of sad that the finale isn’t another match up between Hilary (who got beat in round one by two dudes nobody’s ever heard of) and Obama. Obama v. Hilary–those were fun times, weren’t they?

slavojzizek December 18, 2009 at 5:59 pm

Nice that J.K. Rowling beat Al Gore in the poetry portion of round one.

SayItWithWookies December 18, 2009 at 6:02 pm

[re=481893]Way Cool Larry[/re]: To be fair, I think Dubya did far more lasting damage to the country than bin Laden did. Although in a way it should go to both of them together, since the pair acting together did more than either one of them could’ve accomplished alone. They’re like America’s ex-spouse and best friend in a nasty divorce.

Delicious December 18, 2009 at 6:15 pm

Wonkette, you’ve been “Team Bin Laden” from Day One.

Way to go!

user-of-owls December 18, 2009 at 6:28 pm

[re=481903]Bearbloke[/re]: She’s more stochastic, don’t you think?

user-of-owls December 18, 2009 at 6:33 pm

[re=481817]Suds McKenzie[/re]: [re=481810]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: No, if you zoom in enough, you can see that it’s Johnny and Luther Htoo.

http://msnbcmedia3.msn.com/j/msnbc/Components/Photos/070206/070206_child_vmed_4p.widec.jpg

Georgia Burning December 18, 2009 at 6:40 pm

Two undefeateds in the finals!! Yeaaa! Bin Laden will beat the spread and take the final, unless it involves clearing brush.

Bearbloke December 18, 2009 at 6:43 pm

[re=481976]user-of-owls[/re]: Non – j’ai signifi√© qu’elle sent comme un poisson en bas l√†…

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO December 18, 2009 at 6:54 pm

[re=481938]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Yeah, they’re like a really fucked up Captain Planet or Wonder Twins.

Wait, it’s like HOLY WAR VOLTRON!

SayItWithWookies December 18, 2009 at 7:03 pm

[re=482005]I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO[/re]: Damn, I miss Get Your War On.

user-of-owls December 18, 2009 at 7:04 pm

[re=481995]Bearbloke[/re]: If you give a man a poisson distribution, he can express the probability of a number of events occurring in a fixed period of time if these events occur with a known average rate and independently of the time since the last event for a day. If you teach a man about the poisson distribution…

Hooray For Anything December 18, 2009 at 7:37 pm

[re=481991]Georgia Burning[/re]: I’d actually go with Bush because I think Osama will win the unofficial vote count but Bush will win the official vote count as a bunch of old Jews in Silver Spring who wanted to vote for Osama will get confused on the Post’s web site and accidentally vote for Paris Hilton instead.

hunter.blatherer December 18, 2009 at 7:39 pm

Ok, I’m trying to imagine how the tournament got to this point. I think it went something like this:

1. Google beat Hillary in the primaries, because the bitters don’t have broadband access.

2. Cheney sucked off Bernanke and the banks, thus gaining their power through semen.

3. Lance Armstrong got a steroid filled boob job and got cancer, gaining the sympathy vote over Paris Hilton.

4. Bush/Geithner same as Cheney/Bernanke

On the other side, in the first round:

1. JK Rowling was just plain easier to deal with than Al Gore (but only barely).

2. our man Osama vs. “Mark Zuckerberg” …hmm, sounds Jewish.

3. Steve Jobs defeats Jon Stewart, because you have to have one upset in the first round.

4. Obama? who? Hu?

Round 2, left hand side:

1. Gee-W lands a fighter plane just in front of Lance Armstrong’s bike in the Tour de Surrender Monkey Nation.

2. Google cannot be tortured for information, because information wants to be free. So Cheney’s got nothing.

Round 2, right hand side:

1. Our man Osama tells a better fairy tale than the kiddie porn wizard gal.

2. Obama sends Steve Jobs to the death panel, because he hates jobs and wants everyone on welfare.

Semifinals:
Bush over Google by using private email accounts to conduct official Person of the Decade business.
Osama over Obama because NO SOCIALIST MUSLINS!!!

NiceButStupid December 18, 2009 at 9:11 pm

So the decade ends with a Hobson’s Choice. I guess I should have seen that coming.

hotdog December 18, 2009 at 10:38 pm

And the winner is . . .

Sandra Day O’Connor.

Just think how different the world would be if she had voted the other way in Bush v. Gore.

peeno nwar December 18, 2009 at 10:44 pm

Let’s see, one of the two finalists still has a political career, so I that means guess Osama Bin Laden is the ultimate Person of the Zeroes.

How the fuck does a person be “of the decade” anyway? People who do shit come and go, but you’d think during any arbitrarily-selected period of 10 years, there ought to be at least one person who consistently represents what it means to be sane and decent without fail. The only one in that mass of vomit who fits the description is Jon Stewart, so of course he’s eliminated first round. These are the Zeroes.

Washington Post, can’t you just go back to whining about how your type of journalism is dead, so that I will never have to hear about you again?

lulzmonger December 18, 2009 at 11:57 pm

If you want to play it as a “Human Blodshed Championship Slayoff” then Osama is just waaaaaay out of his league here.

lulzmonger December 19, 2009 at 12:05 am

“Blodshed”???

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU -

NJB December 19, 2009 at 1:20 am

Give each one a chain saw

Zulu December 19, 2009 at 8:18 am

Bush and OBL…they’re Siamese twins. They defined a truly fucked-up decade together. They need to share each other’s space, air (and perhaps a jail cell.) Separate them and they each become superfluous.

Gumboz1953 December 19, 2009 at 9:23 am

Man, I totally fucking lost those brackets. I could’ve sworn it would be Colts and Saints. Damn office pools, anyway.

lawrenceofthedesert December 19, 2009 at 2:14 pm

I never expected to see the Post acting in such limp-minded fashion — it would be comical if it weren’t so sad. It was a force just a few years ago, and now it’s a bunch of lost souls talking to each other and playing silly games like this. Papers replaced street-smart reporters with clueless college kids in the 70′s and 80′s (starting with George Will, who embodies the problem), and they have taken the press empires down. This “contest” is about as street-stupid as it gets.

LowerdPeninsula December 20, 2009 at 3:59 am

Wait, why is Bin Laden in the same division as Obama, again?

Scooter December 20, 2009 at 4:30 am

WTF? No Gonzaga?

CaliforniaMike December 20, 2009 at 10:41 pm

There really isn’t much of a question who wins in the finals. Osama is much taller than Bush, so he can post him up down low and dunk over him. In addition, Osama plays the Euro style, where big men can pop outside and hit the 3-pointer.

Dubya is just a slow, short white guy. He’s got no game.

Osama, 11-2.

chaste everywhere December 21, 2009 at 10:21 am

Where in blazes is Jenna Jameson? Sure, she’s faded a tad the past coupla years, but then so have the pious frauds who made the finals. If only WaPo weren’t too embarrassed to acknowledge what a force she’s been in our “culture” throughout this Stoly-soaked olive of a decade.

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