SNOW MISER  3:06 pm December 18, 2009

Bill Kristol Actually Proposes Stupid Made-Up Nonsensical Idea From Previous Wonkette Post

by Jim Newell

In the previous post about Washington’s impending War on Snow and its effect on this weekend’s Senate schedule, your Wonkette typed the following stupid bullshit as a hypothetical view of the future: “Ben Nelson complains that getting to work this weekend would be too much of a pain in the ass, so Harry Reid cancels the health care vote. Tons of people die. We invade Iran.” Little did we know that “lightning rod conservative” Bill Kristol had already proposed this!

This is one of those vintage Kristol excerpts where you can perfectly visualize the shit-eating grin on his face as he types them:

There’s a really big snowstorm coming to D.C.tonight. It would be unsafe to ask all the staffers and Hill employees who’d be needed at the Capitol if Congress stays open all hours this weekend, as Harry Reid intends, to drive to and from work—especially since many will have to do so at night, and they won’t be well-rested. So from the point of view of public safety and personal well-being, Ben Nelson can do everyone a favor, announce today he won’t vote for cloture, and let everyone stay home this weekend.

He doesn’t propose invading Iran as we did in our hypothetical, but, you know… it’s Bill Kristol. Infer.

Bill Kristol, Meteorologist [Gawker]

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AggieDemocrat December 18, 2009 at 3:09 pm

I’m amazed Bill Kristol shut up about invading Iran long enough to make the snow comment-thingy.

I was going to say “They’ve got Metro, so they don’t have to drive,” but then I remembered that Metro blows kangaroo cock and only socialists use public transportation, so all the Republicans would be stranded.

Wait, why is that a problem?

chascates December 18, 2009 at 3:11 pm

He’s a pretty thoughtful guy. For an unrepentant asswad.

the problem child December 18, 2009 at 3:12 pm

Funny, I thought the last one was based on this very thing, from Gawker.

Ducksworthy December 18, 2009 at 3:12 pm

Chain the door shut before they can leave.

Extemporanus December 18, 2009 at 3:12 pm

Every gynormous storm needs a humangous dildo.

JadedDIssonance December 18, 2009 at 3:14 pm

Too bad Ted Stevens isn’t there to shame them all…

Manos: Hands of Fate December 18, 2009 at 3:14 pm

You know we have state governments in a lot colder and snowier places than DC and they run fine during during the winter when, it like, snows every other day. So stop whining and go to work, wimps.

Long Form Def Certificate December 18, 2009 at 3:15 pm

[re=481726]Ducksworthy[/re]: But will there be fire, as in Inglourious Basterds?

& just don’t let Ben Nelson or Joe Liebermann (irony!) play the Hans Landa role.

bureaucrap December 18, 2009 at 3:16 pm

that’s the problem with republicans — everything that we think is funny, they take seriously. Like when we facetiously say, “What are we supposed to do about unemployment? Ship them all to Mexico?”, Bill Kristol says, “I’ve got the president of Greyhound on Speed-dial.”

JMP December 18, 2009 at 3:16 pm

Oh no there might be a little bit of snow, we can’t handle it! Does Kristol the Senate is just made up of a bunch of spineless wimps; oh wait a second, it is.

Oldskool December 18, 2009 at 3:18 pm

He doesn’t seem to know that his carefully crafted ‘thought pieces’ are the same as utter bullshit.

gurukalehuru December 18, 2009 at 3:18 pm

[re=481730]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Yeah, like, Juneau?

lomri December 18, 2009 at 3:19 pm

Oh geez, I’m sure Massachusetts can spare DC a few freakin plows so Senate crybabies can do actual work. And by work I don’t mean sucking cock and taking money. (Not to imply those two things go together). I lied, I meant to imply that.

JeffGoldblum December 18, 2009 at 3:21 pm

A little snow never stopped Patrick Kennedy from making it to the capitol.

JMP December 18, 2009 at 3:22 pm

[re=481730]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Hell yeah. After living in Chicago for a few years before moving back to Philly, I get sick of how wimpy some people here get about snow (and how poorly the cities plow). But Washington gets even less snow and the city/people are even worse at handling it.

Wimps; try a winter where it never goes above freezing for three months, so nothing melts and each storm just piles more snow on top.

gurukalehuru December 18, 2009 at 3:23 pm

[re=481735]bureaucrap[/re]: …and what they think is funny is a dead deer on a couch.

Cape Clod December 18, 2009 at 3:23 pm

Someone tell me again why this asshat employed in the business of writing things?

Paul Tardy December 18, 2009 at 3:24 pm

“It would be unsafe to ask all the staffers”

Sounds like Billy’s mother is doing his homework again.

Dean Booth December 18, 2009 at 3:25 pm

Olympia Snowe should give every senator a bag of salted salt.

Snarkalicious December 18, 2009 at 3:25 pm

[re=481730]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Fuck yeah. Vald Putin, giant head and all, calls this kind of shit ‘shorts weather’.

Long Form Def Certificate December 18, 2009 at 3:27 pm

[re=481750]Cape Clod[/re]: Nepotism.

& Ol’ Irv wasn’t that great to start.

Mr Blifil December 18, 2009 at 3:27 pm

Somehow I doubt the rent boys Kristol uses get quite this degree of latitude during inclement weather.

bitterz December 18, 2009 at 3:28 pm

I know it’s untoward to say such things, but Jim Newell cracks me right up.

JMP December 18, 2009 at 3:28 pm

[re=481750]Cape Clod[/re]: Because his asshat daddy was employed in the business of writing things.

Fox News Light December 18, 2009 at 3:28 pm

To bad they don’t have the METRO in Washington DC. Then they wouldn’t have to drive.

snideinplainsight December 18, 2009 at 3:28 pm

Haha, he said “staffers”.

Fox News Light December 18, 2009 at 3:29 pm

Too bad they don’t have the Metro in Washington D.C…then they wouldn’t have to drive

M.Yazz December 18, 2009 at 3:32 pm

Al “Shut yer pie-hole, Joe” Franken is from Minnesota and hence will save everyone with his gynormous snow machine, with or without Todd Palin’s help.

JMP December 18, 2009 at 3:32 pm

[re=481750]Cape Clod[/re]: [re=481755]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: Or what he said; d’oh.

bago December 18, 2009 at 3:33 pm

Fox News reports twice! You Decide!

Gopherit December 18, 2009 at 3:35 pm

The weather has a conservative bias.

NJB December 18, 2009 at 3:36 pm

I wonder if the Bill Kristol normally being wrong about absolutely everything will effect the weather patterns and cause the snowstorm to veer off course and go out to sea….

Probably not, since he didn’t originate the prediction, but it would indicate the Flying Spaghetti Monster hates his stinking guts too and only refrains from smiting him because Bill’s always good for a cheap laugh.

GideonGlib December 18, 2009 at 3:40 pm

Speaking as a Floridian, I think snow storms sound exciting,they did say Patrick Kennedy is hosting the party, right?

WadISay December 18, 2009 at 3:41 pm

Life imitates art, and Wonkette is going to have to try harder to make up crazy-ass stuff. Example: Jim DeMint prays to repeal DC’s gay marriage thing so an angry God will spare his wrathful snowstorm.

finallyhappy December 18, 2009 at 3:42 pm

[re=481761]Fox News Light[/re]: You mean when the tracks don’t freeze or something else doesn’t go wrong. I am thinking about taking a Metrobus tomorrow. Actually, the major streets often get plowed(well, in Maryland) and buses seem to run- if I can sleddog my way out of my neighborhood.

eclecticbrotha December 18, 2009 at 3:44 pm

The perfect solution to this would be to have Joe Lieberman’s car careen off a bridge into the Potomac River while driving home.

Tommmcatt December 18, 2009 at 3:52 pm


That’s my solution to just about everything.

depraved indifference engine December 18, 2009 at 3:59 pm

[re=481751]Paul Tardy[/re]: Given his views on constantly bombing the shit out of everyone, it’s clear that his primary concern is for people’s safety.

Joshua Norton December 18, 2009 at 3:59 pm

Now I just read that Xtian Scientists are getting huffy because prayer isn’t included in medical treatment.

If they all believe in the power of prayer so much, they can just pray that someone will pay them. Next up: Faith healers, Shamans and voodoo priests want their cut, too. Also.

JMP December 18, 2009 at 4:03 pm

[re=481790]Joshua Norton[/re]: I’m pretty sure there has been noise from homeopaths, chiropractors, acupuncturists, and other practitioners of bullshit fake medicine that their crap should be covered.

Decker December 18, 2009 at 4:10 pm

The streets of DC are plenty safe, now that Novak is dead.

pondscum December 18, 2009 at 4:27 pm

[re=481796]Decker[/re]: Ohgod. Thank you for that.

Advocatus_Diaboli December 18, 2009 at 4:27 pm

Bill Kristol predicts snow? I’ll see you all on the south lawn tomorrow for beach volleyball.

natteringnabomb December 18, 2009 at 4:51 pm

Dragging trucknutz through the snow in a 14,000 horse power ram chariot.All 700 and 1/2 cent per hour cashiers must show up for wingnut customers chritmas shopping needs or be fired.This is a national economic emergency.DO NOT send staff as substitutes.

Native of SL UT December 18, 2009 at 4:55 pm

But Billy, how can we show the world our American Exceptionalism if the rest of the world sees this weakness in the face of a storm?

Ducksworthy December 18, 2009 at 5:05 pm

[re=481791]JMP[/re]: According to a definitive study by the Dartmouth Atlas project 78% of all US health care is worthless bullshit such as that practiced by Dr. David McKaylip of the Obama as Witchdoctor fame. But this actually often involves cutting people open to extract money from them.

Jim89048 December 18, 2009 at 5:18 pm

Go to sleep now, Bill. I hope the bedbugs bite.

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO December 18, 2009 at 5:18 pm

Um, er, I hate to point out the logic flaw in Bill’s obviously well thought out piece. I always feel like a heel when I do that; especially to a professional thinking person like Bill Kristol who obviously must have a significantly higher trained mind than I or else he wouldn’t be paid so much to think and write what he thinks.

But, wouldn’t the weekend of snow death also be averted if Nelson, or a couple of, dare I say, Republican senators stepped forward and say, “Okay, you know what, we’ll stop being assholes and WILL vote for cloture?”

Doesn’t that work out to be about the same thing?

SayItWithWookies December 18, 2009 at 5:56 pm

What the hell has happened to these poor conservatives? They’re afraid of bringing terrorist suspects to the United States, they think capitalism is teetering on the edge of extinction everytime a liberal so much as tips a waitress, they think their philosophies are so flimsy that fifteen minutes of exposure to anything else can turn people gay, Muslim, socialist or atheist, and now these rugged, independent cowboys aren’t even capable of driving a few blocks in snow?
My only conclusion is that these people are all becoming the weakness-projecting, overly-entitled, culture-of-dependence effete sissies they regularly complain have trashed a once-thriving American society.

desertwind December 18, 2009 at 6:07 pm

Nelson Schmelson.

Liebercrumb skipped town!

zhubajie December 18, 2009 at 6:23 pm

Why does anyone pay any attention to Bill Kristol? Why does he get megabucks to spout off crap? You can hear the equivalent in any red-neck bar in the country, and a lot cheaper.

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO December 18, 2009 at 6:58 pm

[re=481971]zhubajie[/re]: I think I’m just going to take a nice shiny white piece of paper, tape it to the wall, and fling poo at it for about forty to forty five minutes. Let it dry, and then mail it into the Post and see if they’ll pay me for it. I mean, such an effort would contain more intellectual rigor… and corn.

Crankenstank December 18, 2009 at 8:26 pm

Dude, staffers can’t afford cars. If the Metro’s running we’re cool.

CanadianBacon December 18, 2009 at 10:30 pm

[re=481780]eclecticbrotha[/re]: So from the point of view of public safety and personal well-being,you would hope Bill is riding shotgun. Although it would be sad to see a perfectly good car destroyed.

S.Luggo December 19, 2009 at 2:40 am

I feel witty, I feel pretty, I feel witty and pretty and totally devoid of the ability to form a fucking original idea.
[From Lerner ans Lowe's Broadway smash, 'My Fair Asshole']

Thank you.

villageatrois December 19, 2009 at 4:21 am

[re=482009]I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO[/re]: “such an effort would contain more intellectual rigor… and corn.” That would be neo-corn, which has been plowed up to make deathanol. In the main, you’re right that William Kristol contains more intellectual rigor mortis than the cellulose they make his paper from. Is the poor soul still mourning the loss of his alleged daddy (by sudden flush)? SSFC!

(Super Sincere Fucking Condolences)

Dolmance December 19, 2009 at 6:14 am

Mao Zedong and his wife used to like to invite people over for dinner. Then after a lovely meal with lots of small talk and banter, his guests would get in their cars to drive home. And then Mao and the wife would run up to the roof where they had an artillery battery stationed and fire at the departing guest’s car as they drove the several mile road from their house to the highway. I always thought that was kind of funny, in a sick kind of way.

Obama should have more dinner parties.

Gumboz1953 December 19, 2009 at 8:58 am

[re=482205]Dolmance[/re]: Yeah, because he’s just like Mao. Somebody on Fox said so.

OhioMike December 19, 2009 at 9:15 am

Just a question for discussion: Exactly when is the last time that Kristol has been correct about anything?

zhubajie December 19, 2009 at 11:33 am

[re=481928]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Well, they are not real conservatives, fond of old things. Those people have long since been forced out. What we have is a bunch of over-grown two-year-olds, as well as assorted religious fanatics, know-nothings, and racists who wish Jim Crow would come back, or even slavery.

CaliforniaMike December 19, 2009 at 12:03 pm

As someone who grew up in the DC area, all I can say is that their reaction to snow is ridiculous. You’d think it was something seriously scary, like rain in L.A.

DoctorCulturae December 19, 2009 at 12:43 pm

Wingtardia doesn’t know how to think about snow without Blibbering Bill or Her Majesty the Pegginess telling them. Me poor mind is so saturated with Tiger, sugarplums, blinking lights, and dancing fairies to think. Thus, me asketh them pleadingly, what shouldest I think? Inquiring minds want to know. Ah yes, run away!

zhubajie December 19, 2009 at 4:10 pm

[re=481790]Joshua Norton[/re]: Can you imagine that Benny Hinn and Creflo Dollar, e.g., don’t want to profit from this obomination?

zhubajie December 19, 2009 at 4:23 pm

[re=482220]Gumboz1953[/re]: Chairman Mao didn’t trust modern medical care. He relied on tai ch’i and the taoist ‘arts of the chamber.’ Hunan food, too, which involves eating whole red peppers, etc. I guess it worked for him: he lived to be 83, in spite of chain smoking and a lot of other bad habits.

zhubajie December 19, 2009 at 4:30 pm

[re=482009]I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO[/re]: That would explain most pundits’ output, I suppose.

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Captain Swing December 21, 2009 at 6:33 am

If Bill the Dill is a “lightening rod conservative”, does that mean we get stick him in the ground head first during a thunder storm?

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