A tipster has just e-mailed us, from her telephone, the single sentence message, “Why aren’t you reporting on the gynormous snow storm coming our way?”, which is such an oddly hilarious demand that we will now do it. BREAKING: there is a “gynormous” snow storm preparing to bufu Washington D.C. back into the Stone Age, coming tonight! Meteorologists predict five million inches per hour. But most importantly: How will this affect the Senate?

Two scenarios:

(1) Hollywood, plug this bad boy into your PG holiday movie template: All of these Senators who completely hate each other, at historic levels, grudgingly go to work on the last legislative day before Christmas to decide the fate of a highly contentious bill. They are at each other’s necks — literally, trying to stab each other with long knives. Then suddenly BZZEWW all of the power suddenly cuts off, in the Capitol, because of snow. (Yes, to your editor, the sound of various electronic appliances and fixtures all shutting down at once is “BZZEWW.”) The chamber becomes very cold and they are trapped inside the building for the forseeable future, meaning no one will make it home for Christmas. This is the story’s nadir! Then: they force themselves to work together, across party lines, to cook food and survive the snow. They get to talking. They have so much in common after all! They have vulnerabilities. They are human. They put on a delicious feast, just for themselves, on Christmas Day! (The Jewish senators don’t exist — this is a Disney movie.)

Fast-forward to the next day, when they can finally exit the Capitol. How bittersweet — do they even want to leave now? They must, sadly. They walk out of the main entrance, smiling, joking, holding hands. A diverse crowd of 500,000 awaits them on the Mall and erupts in applause. “No more political parties, ever! The deficit is fixed too!,” the new Congressional friends announce. Fade-out.

(2) Ben Nelson complains that getting to work this weekend would be too much of a pain in the ass, so Harry Reid cancels the health care vote. Tons of people die. We invade Iran.

[Capitol Weather Gang]

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  1. Are you guys expecting a plane carrying a jailed SA Dictator/drug lord this weekend? Hopefully I’m just confusing the plot of Die Hard 2: Die Harder with reality.

  2. Pussies! If 16 inches over 3 days shuts down anything, you deserve to freeze and starve to death. I don’t even bother clearing my driveway for such a paltry amount.

  3. Go easy on the tipster. Reminds me of when I left the safety of my bible belt home, where it never snows because baby Jesus loves us, and went to grad school in godless New England. It started snowing there one day and I walked around pointing out that fact to everyone. You know, because snow is supposed to be front page news, right? Anyway, I was treated as if I had the stupid. Your tipster might be kind of like that.

  4. All this means is, we can’t stake Lieberman to an anthill this weekend.

    [re=481670]bago[/re]: If it’s decimated, it would have 90 members, ja? Ten “members” would be “severed” from the “body”.

  5. Suddenly, Olympia Snowe, her office full of snow-melting salt leaving her as the ultimate decider as to who escapes the building, is the most powerful Senator in history. I assume she’ll use this position to ask for some sweet candy (I get the sense she doesn’t care too much about politics).

  6. The best case scenario is that everyone gets trapped in the capitol building and the senate survives being eating Joe Lieberman like in that one movie about eating people, Hail to the Chimp.

  7. [re=481674]the problem child[/re]: Where I like, the schools closed last year because we got flurries. (This is something that happens MAYBE once every five years. We got flurries twice last year, and one time it even stuck for about 45 minutes, and everyone freaked out and everything shut down.) There were rushes at the grocery store, for bread and beer and milk, because you know the power’s going out and those are the logical items to get for a snowstorm and no power.

    Okay, so maybe anyone who makes an effort to get milk before losing power deserves to starve to death.

  8. I was thinking more along the plot lines of the senators having to get naked and sleep next to each other for body warmth under emergency blankets. Now you’re talking about some homo-erotic senator-on-senator action! Lady senators do not exist because it is a Disney movie.

  9. You forgot the scene where Lindsey Graham and Barney Frank announce that they will Gay Marry as soon as the snowplow clears the path to City Hall.

  10. [re=481670]bago[/re]: Well, somebody’s gotta be the math weenie: no, you’d have ninety members. And even if every last one of them had a D behind their names, they wouldn’t be able to pass anything more contentious than a resolution naming June as National Ladybug Appreciation Month. Actually, they probably couldn’t pass that, since Nelson would argue the resolution didn’t contain a clause mandating the stoning of any suspected of harboring pro-choice sympathies.

  11. [re=481659]petehammer[/re]: I guess you kept your eyes closed when you were born.

    [re=481667]TGY[/re]: That’s definitely my favorite scenario. Finally all those double chins will be useful.

  12. ¡¡¡¡¡¡PANIC!!!!!

    QUICK! Everybody go buy all the bread milk and eggs ever at Soviet Safeway!


  13. Why don’t the PROGRESSIVES!! just hide in their offices until all the republicans and their slimy fellow travelers flee the capitol ahead of the storm, then jump out and pass a single-payer system without a single nay vote?

    Oh, and then hunt down Lieberman and eat him.

  14. [re=481688]Dumptruck[/re]:
    That would truly be a bipartisan maneuver. I can imagine after the meal some senators saying “Shucks, he wasn’t so tough after all!”

  15. Naw. I’m thinking more along the lines of Chilean plane crash cannibalism in the snow. Old stringy Joe L. will have to be marinated and slow cooked and probably par-boiled first to remove the toxins.

  16. Beer is all you need to survive a snowstorm. If it gets warm it doesn’t spoil and if you bury it in snow it doesn’t freeze. That’s why I’m buying a couple of cases on the way home from work. If the traffic is typical for DC when snow is approaching, I might get 3 cases and drink one on the way home.

  17. [re=481667]TGY[/re]: Then there’s the Penthouse Pass scenario, where the female senators eat each other out. Okay, slightly younger, slightly more buff “actresses” posing as senators . . .
    (Wait a minute. The official senators are already posing as senators.)

  18. [re=481712]user-of-owls[/re]: “Oh, and then hunt down Lieberman and eat him.”

    Yuck. That would be one tough old bird. Though not as old as the other tough old Byrd.

  19. [re=481722]Ducksworthy[/re]: Uruguayan plane crash! Sheesh! You probably think Columbia is a country in South America, too.

    **completely a tease**

  20. When I moved to Indianapolis from California, I was beset by people telling me how I wouldn’t know what to do when it snowed. While this was true, what I’ve learned is that except maybe in places that get 2 feet at a time on a regular basis, any sudden accumulation turns people into morons who either think their in a zombie survivor plot (with the milk, bread and beer runs that clog the roads up and lead to numerous avoidable accidents) or that they have some way to beat the traffic/system and start tying up every side road(which is why every time it snowed more than a couple inches in an afternoon my 30 minute commute turned into a 2-3 hour version of the Odyssey). I blame the relative lack of decent 4 lane or wider roads in all but the largest cities, along with the absolute lack of decent mass transit in such places – there’s insufficient margin for rapid onset, acute stupidity.

  21. Unfortunately, eating Nelson & Lieberman wouldn’t get you cloture, since you need 60 votes. The thing to do would be to eat a republican and then threaten to eat Nelson/Lieberman next if they don’t vote for cloture.

    This is why you need strategy folks.

  22. There’s always Option C which involves the storm becoming almost apocalyptic so the Senate decides that they should leave early and hold it to a vote. But somebody determines that they can’t have the vote until it goes to Committee and it takes several hours for the committee to reach a decision (Bacaus had trouble making it bipartisan) and then they go vote on it but after several procedural motions are filed, the Republicans don’t like the proclamation as they think the line “it’s really fucking cold out there” is a coded message in support of global warming so there’s a filibuster and Reid can’t get to 60 so they try and rework that line and find a compromise but it takes so long that the blizzard hits, the Capital building is destroyed, and they all die. The End.

  23. [re=481740]Hooray For Anything[/re]: the Senate decides that they should leave early and hold it to a vote

    Lieberman would vote “no” if Anthony Weiner thought it was a good idea. They’d never get 60 votes.

  24. To Do:
    1) Get Left4Dead 2 to practice for the zombie-pocalyse.
    2) Take out the flurries.
    3) Buy liquor, guns, milk, bread, beer, and cock-chains.
    4) Get gay-normously gay-married.

  25. Oh, come on. They all have their hidey holes and secret underground chunnels to France and Gulfport.They never have to walk the streets of DC at all.
    [re=481681]OReillysVibrator[/re]: Actually, I can picture the evil Lady Snowe with her arms upraised calling in the odd favor from her demon snowe monsters to slow it all down to a freeze.
    Bwahhhhaaaaa.She is in fact afraid of rock salt and her minions made sure she didn’t see any of it.

  26. [re=481713]Gunner[/re]: Eh, you’re right! (We usually have the threat of losing power to a hurricane a couple times a year, but to actual snow maybe twice a decade. I forget how to do this snow thing!)

  27. When I lived in SC, I swear, when it just rained, all the natives simply drove off the road.

    One time the forecast predicted 2 inches of snow and yep, the entire bread aisle at the Bi-Lo was sold out.

    I felt pretty damn superior with my 4-wheel-drive and years of surviving New England winters. Until around June, when I near about died from the goddamned heat.

  28. Imhofe will be found at the window pointing at the snow, screaming “See, I told ya, I was right all along!” cause he’s too stupid to know the difference between bad weather and bad climate’

  29. Don’t worry, Joe Biden’s train will still run … but OH NO!!1! … WHO will feed Nancy Pelosi’s cats????

    And what do you wanna bet, not a flake will fall on C Street. MIRACLE TIME!!!!!!!!

    [re=481699]raysmuckles[/re]: Only a librul would be worried about FRENCH toast. The masses are lining up for Doritos and toilet paper.

  30. [re=481676]ChernobylSoup v2[/re]: It’s good to know that the stupid is still alive and well in Raleigh, where it “snowed” today, if by “snow” you mean “ice-like stuff that doesn’t stick to anything and doesn’t really matter anyway” and by “stupid” you mean “let’s shut the schools down early, but let’s not announce it until everyone is at work.”

  31. [re=481881]lochnessmonster[/re]: Good Morning, Wonkett! – and what a lurvely warm, sunny summer day it is, amirite Mate? So… has N0bama’s Voodoo-SNOWPOCALYPSE yet submerged DC under a blanket of frozen Santorum? Someone give Lieberman a big spoon!

  32. All my DC friends are like — “see we are legalizing pot and have gay marriage. DC is like California but better.”

    Yes, except when God decides to take massive white dump on it, trapping them in their apartments without snacks or hope.

  33. I love it when it snows in the South. Senate slumber party!
    Although, I think these folks have the ability to go “Lord of the Flies” right quick.

  34. It looks as though the senate slumber party will have to get along without Joe L. He has better things to do than attend some crucial vote Saturday morning (from TPM)

  35. That snow is coming to CT in a big way …maybe that will help Michael Moore out. Really, it’s ok that you want to boycott us, Mikey…but do you realize how many McDonalds will go out of business? So much for economic uptick, huh?

  36. This is DC, right? The 56 actual Democrats realize that God has smote DC for letting people get gay married, and of course give up trying to insure the poor people, because they realize they have strayed from the Jeebus path.

    This is DC, right? The Republics, shut up in a room with their fellow senators, realize that they’d rather fuck Mark Begich of Alaska than Olympia Snowe. They see the light, and ask they chaplain to start gay marrying Republic senators to Democrats (who we know are all gay, anyway).They adopt single payer health care in exchange for a new law that allows Sarah Palinistas to rent some sea planes to go shoot polar bears from the air.

    In the second scenario, I keep thinking cap and trade must mean something dirty, but I can’t think what. Because I live the Bible Belt and I’m just that pure.

  37. [re=481711]betterDeadThanRed[/re]: “where’s your global warming now? What? See it’s all fake that’s what!”

    That’s what okies say every time the thermometer shows it’s cold down here.

  38. I hate to point out the obvious, but no jokes about the John Birch Society hosting C-PAC? Does anyone even remember the Birchers? I’m old, and I remember the Impeach Earl Warren billboards.

    To bring this back to DC’s snow: Does it occur to anyone that God’s wrath might actually be aimed at the conservative nay-saying fringe that is the modern Republic party?

  39. It is not a coincidence that once Washington starts debating Canadian-style socialist health care Canadian-style socialist weather appears. The Republicans are right, stop health care reform before you all freeze to death. Remember Canadian beer has a higher alcohol percentage so it is less likely to freeze when liberal-socialist weather occurs.

  40. [re=481660]teebob2000[/re]: *sniff* now y’all are making me homesick. I ‘member my alcoholic momma slip sliding us around in the old station wagon in the snow and ice (during the Barry administration)! And getting my fanny kicked by the sistas for being a little yella runt of a girl. And the riots after ta King assassination. good times!

    (Hell, there are cities close by with the same crime rate as DC so I don’t get have to get homesick.)

    Parts of California really are like DC. Only they both suck.

  41. [re=482108]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Knock Knock? Who’s there? C-PAC. C-PAC who? C-PAC the snow down tight enough and the Birchers can’t dig themselves out. It’ll look like an accident.

  42. [re=482146]El Pinche[/re]: Yes, only this time instead of “You’re screwed” it’ll say “You’re buried.” Just stay here — when Grampa Cornpants slips on the ice someone will Blingee it and we’ll laugh.

  43. Newt Gingrich’s Twitter is funny right now — “As callista and i watched what dc weather says will be 12 to 22 inches of snow i wondered if God was sending a message about copenhagen.” If only Pat Robertson can connect the blizzard to government-mandated abortions in the health care bill.

  44. Is this the official Wonkette Weather Channel for the Snowy Dark of Winter Weekend meeting place and olds chat area? I agree that snow in the Winter time is news to me here in NYC.In fact every time the weather changes one degree up or down I get out my phone tree.So far no one is home thanks to caller ID.

  45. Regarding this story, I hear-tell that up inna Texas Panhandle a few years back, during a similar weather event, a weather-fixated editor of a small-town newspaper published his rag with the banner headline, “18 Inches Paralyzes Virginia.” Jus’ puttin’ it out there…

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