Terrifying Footage Of Michele Bachmann Prayer Ritual

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Hey guys, nevermind, you don’t have to bother asking God to forgive our nation anymore while everyone else in the room moans, Michele Bachmann just took care of that. Oh and also, you don’t need to shout-pray in your raspiest whine for God to kill the Senate health care bill anymore either, some other crazy person already up and did it. [Rumproast]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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114 comments

  1. FMA

    It’s working. As I gazed upon the wonder of Michele Bachmann leading the prayer and the listened to her words, I could only think “Jesus Fucking Christ.”

  2. rambone

    Well, there go my weekend plans.

    Anyone up for dressing up as a Teabagger and Karl Rove and doing whatever feels right?

  3. Ducksworthy

    This is from the Conservative Bible. Wait until she gets to the part about the sheep and goats and learns that she and all of her prosperity gospel lunatic fiends are goats and they’re going hell.

  4. Gopherit

    I may have to go full atheist now. How can there be a god when that kind of hypocrisy wasn’t answered by a cascade of lightning bolts?

  5. RoscoePColtraine

    Tony Perkins just cold sippin coffee (TEA?!??) during that prayer. EARNESTNESS FAIL. SINCERITY FAIL.

    Oh, and somebody wake that one dude up at the end.

  6. Minnefuckingsota

    Al Franken, Keith Ellison and Michele Bachman. Which one of these things is not like the others?

  7. RoscoePColtraine

    “Oh Lord we beg your forgiveness, Lord. For you have said in your word that you have made us, and are now looking for us to beg you for mercy, Lord. Lord, we pray that you will show mercy, for we are truly not perfect as you are, Lord. Lord, you made us imperfect and now want to hear us beg and plead, and we do, Lord….”

    Jesus fucking god, do they hear themselves?

  8. memzilla

    If these people had been saying the exact same things in Arabic or Farsi, there’d have been three Predator drones targeted on them.

  9. dr.giraud

    Oh yes indeedy Michele, you deserve his wrath.

    So, the wild fucking starts after the camera’s shut off, right?

  10. engulfedinflames

    Who knew her dad was a king sitting on his throne? Does that make her a princess? Sounds like he can’t see very well, he should see a doc about that. Oh ya, I forgot, Obama ruined heath care.

    The fact that there are adults who cling to this absurd superstition in America in the 21st century astounds (and frightens) me.

  11. Humpback

    If there is an old man who lives in the sky, do you think he has a sense of humor? Maybe we are all just the cast of some demented sitcom?

  12. you cannot be serious

    I too hold my head down with my hands in my lap during meetings. Because I’m texting. But I don’t moan…much.

  13. Gopherit

    Hahah! Some of those senators looked scared when the evangelicals went all batshit on them. Too bad no one spoke in tongues or let the holy spirit take them. That would have been fucking awesome.

  14. Dave J.

    I think the only alternative at this point is to start a “I masturbate to footage of Michelle Bachmann praying” Facebook group. Might be the only way to get her to stop.

  15. weejee

    aieee!!! god will get you for that JN
    must get centered, must, must…
    del dot E equals four pi rho
    del dot B equals zero
    del cross E equals minus one over c partial B / partial t
    del cross B equals one over c partial E / partial t times 4 pi over c times the flux
    Maxwell’s silver hammer is our salvation

  16. RoscoePColtraine

    Senator Wingnut would like to attach an addendum to that prayer for sum stadium improvements, if y’all don’t mind.

  17. Prommie

    How can this be happening? How can it be that somewhere near half the people in this country are Michelle Bachmans, fat south carolina homophobes, Palins, teabaggers, and how can it be that they are all completely batshit fucking insane?

    How can so fucking many people be so utterly, loudly, and proudly wrong, all the time, about so many things? There should be men in white suits chasing after these people with big fucking nets. Where are the fucking authorities?

    Is this all because of de-institutionalization? Fox News? Black President?

    Fucking country, its a fucked country, this fucking country has gone psychotic, these people are fucking scary crazy.

  18. sophiaonfire

    The guy who’s yell-praying in the last part of the video was in the documentary “Jesus Camp,” wasn’t he? (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0486358/) I think he was the one making the kids cry about abortion and break dinnerware. Can’t seem to find video clips of him in the movie though…

  19. Oldskool

    Never have unnerstood why people think sincerity and sentimentaly would matter to an invisible guy floating around in the clouds who helps people win Oscars and ballgames while kids die of cancer and gunshots. Are they stupid or sumthin?

  20. Dave J.

    I don’t know if it’s comforting or terrifying that there are people like this in every country on earth. I feel like most countries keep theirs in prison or mental institutions, however.

  21. JMP

    [re=480958]Prommie[/re]: “Is this all because of de-institutionalization?”

    Maybe that’s why Reagan pushed for it; he knew the crazies would all vote Republican (though maybe not that some would go into Congress).

    “Fox News? Black President?”

    I’d say talk radio, Fox and the internet has done a lot to stir it up, as these folks have a filter to hear no news other than unvarnished propaganda, and no check on spitting out blatant lies. It started early in the Clinton years (remember the Vince Foster conspiracy theories?), and having a black guy as President infuriates them even further.

  22. SayItWithWookies

    Why the sane part of Christianity does not vehemently and constantly renounce these self-serving fascist peurile smug neanderthal hypocritical loons I have no idea. Really, these people shouldn’t be allowed to wear mittens that aren’t tied together, much less vote, drive or operate heavy machinery.

  23. OReillysVibrator

    It’s a shame the Christian religion is (probably!) wrong and there won’t be the End Times for Jesus to come back and tell all this scum-monsters how awful they are and send them to Hell. The REALLY awful thing is, even if “eternity” of suffering were possible they still would never understand how they’re wrong.

  24. thestream

    The religious bigotry here is incredible. Imagine is the article was about “The terrifying ritual of being Gay.” If people left these kinds of comments, the outrage would be very loud. Be very careful about bigotry.

  25. gurukalehuru

    Oh, Lord, I am a sinner, I am weak, I am unworthy, my hands are unclean….then you shouldn’t be in Congress, then,should ya’?

  26. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=480989]thestream[/re]: You’re new to these parts? You haven’t seen the jokes about buttsecks, felching, bottoms, tops, daddies, boys, slings, whips, flitting, cock sucking, cock dusters, cock smoking….you’d better stick around, bud.

    I like to think, though, that we reserve our best material for the assorted retards and crazies of the world, hence this thread.

  27. rambone

    [re=480989]thestream[/re]: Umm . . . +1 for irony unless you’re serious, in which case I welcome you to eat a <a href=”http://www.hogwild.net/images/Misc/sex-toy-jesus-dildo.jpg”)spicy, bbq flavored bag of jesus’s dicks.

  28. JMP

    [re=480989]thestream[/re]: Now, we’re no religious bigots; I for one find them all equally stupid.

    And there’s a big difference, anyway; gay people are born gay, but people who believe in patently ridiculous fairy tales choose to believe in those fairy tails.

  29. An Outhouse

    I saw Billy Graham on TV once when I was a little kid and he scared the shit out of me. I couldn’t sleep for a couple of days. This clip is just like that but worse. That is one scary assed evil person with the microphone.

  30. chaste everywhere

    10 points* to the first Wonketeer who can identify this quote:

    “Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing any?”

    * 10 points of what? Umm . . . light?

  31. earnestcivilservant

    The irony here as that these nutjobs are praying for the “Senators to act with compassion,” which they surely need to do, and I for one am glad someone’s praying for it. I’m just not sure these folks have the same definition of acting with compassion that I do. Or that God does.

    And insanity. Also.

  32. SayItWithWookies

    [re=480990]JMP[/re]: Personally I think all belief is stupid and erroneous at best, and dangerous at worst. That there are some liberal Christians out there is evidence only of some peoples’ ability to reserve a pocket of crazy in an otherwise sane brain. Nevertheless, to paraphrase HL Mencken, I respect the other fellow’s religion — in the same way that I respect his notion that his daughter is pretty and his son is smart.

    But the religious folks I can manage to be polite to ought to do a lot more to stop the mouth-breathers in the video above. Mandatory elementary school classes in critical thinking would be a good start.

  33. Gopherit

    [re=480989]thestream[/re]: That’s a false comparison in the extreme. Gay people don’t choose to be gay. Neo-Xtians choose to be hypocritical sleaze. The people in this video aren’t the victims of bigotry, they are the targets of contempt towards their self-righeous and poisonous behavior.

  34. Old Redneck

    This is not what Jesus meant when he said in Matthew 6:5 – 8:

    5 “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 7 And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. 8 Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. “

  35. Cicada

    [re=480989]thestream[/re]: I think I’ve heard about this “terrifying ritual of being Gay”. Does it involve assless chaps, giant dildos, and Mark Foley in a panda costume?

  36. SayItWithWookies

    [re=480989]thestream[/re]: As soon as gay politicians start proposing laws requiring everyone to have a same-sex partner, they’ll catch the same amount of hell from me as religious wackos who try to force everyone to follow their beliefs.
    Until then, take note — these Christian goatfuckers complain about being oppressed because they’re prevented from imposing their will on everyone else. They lie when they bitch about not being able to pray in school; about not being able to mention god in public forums; about not being able to celebrate their holidays — all the while wanting to pass laws against homosexuality, atheism, sex outside of marriage, abortion and anything else people in a free society should be allowed to do.
    But to make it short — quit your bitching and get a clue.

  37. Gopherit

    [re=481015]Old Redneck[/re]: Exactly. It’s a hell of a lot easier for me to believe in someone’s piety when they aren’t telling me how pious they are all the fucking time.

  38. Joshua Norton

    Oh please. A ‘good’ xtian in that group is harder to find than Don Imus’ dick in a hail storm.

  39. Uncle Glenny

    [re=480995]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: You left out santorum, saddlebacking, and the postmodern deconstruction of Andrew Sullivan’s all-night sexcapades.

  40. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=481015]Old Redneck[/re]: Begging god on his throne for mercy while Perkins sips coffee three feet away gives much credence to your point.

  41. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=481030]Uncle Glenny[/re]: And “going rogue”, in the British sense, how could I have forgotten that?

  42. Rumproast

    [re=480959]sophiaonfire[/re]: The guy who introduces Bachmann and speaks after her is evangelunatic Lou Engle. Yeah, he was in Jesus Camp. He’s also the guy who gets teen jeebus zombies to wear red tape with “LIFE” written on it over their mouths and stand in front of the Supreme Court and abortion clinics. He loves fasting and rocking back and forth like one of those novelty drinking birds when the spirit moves him.

  43. doloras

    [re=481012]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Including the belief that there is no God and our pathetic human beliefs are laughable?

    I’m a consistent skeptic, myself, like Robert Anton Wilson.

  44. SayItWithWookies

    [re=481054]doloras[/re]: If your entire species has been looking for something for at least 10,000 years and has yet to find any evidence of it, then the baseless belief that said thing exists stands in opposition to the vast body of evidence that the thing doesn’t exist. My conclusion, therefore, is that there is no god — just as there are no unicorns, no phlogiston, no N-rays and no perpetual motion machines.

    Agnosticism is obviously for sissies, as it comes from a Greek term meaning “I don’t believe in God, but I’m still afraid of Him.”

  45. ElitistMarxist

    OMG These folks’ buddy Chuck Norris is now calling HCR “Herodcare”. PLEASE JUST KILL ME NOW.
    I am a first-born child, after all…

    >head explodes<

  46. Toomush Infermashun

    Geez, her eyes do ” go back and forth” as a “stand-in for herself”, but who is that quy who has to pee so badly….?

  47. lochnessmonster

    Holy crap…I think that is one of the scariest things I ever saw…and they are afraid of Islam???

  48. geminisunmars

    [re=481005]JMP[/re]: I have to believe these dolts were manufactured believing in fairy tales, because why would anyone actually choose to believe that crap? Howsomever, I could see why someone might choose to be gay.

  49. Cicada

    [re=481086]Gopherit[/re]: I agree, assless chaps and giant dildos are not in and of themselves terrifying at all. Unless they’re being worn/wielded by a sweaty and out of breath Mark Foley in a panda costume. I must go shower now.

  50. the problem child

    Why is that lone black guy trying to climb and invisible ladder out of the room of crazy? The asian guy at least has the grace to look embarrassed when the camera is on him.

  51. DeLand DeLakes

    [re=480923]Gopherit[/re]: I’m pretty sure Batshit Bachmann’s kids are all snowflake babies of some sort. If you’ve ever seen a picture of Mr. Bachmann, you’d get the idea that he wouldn’t get near ladyparts even if you hid a copy of _Funny Girl_ in there.

  52. iolanthe

    Matthew 23, Michelle. Read it. It’s about you and all these Public Prayer Whores and whited sepulchres.

    You’re the Bad Guys, you dumb twat.

  53. iolanthe

    [re=480935]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: I spent nearly a decade in those circles. And every time a bunch of these douchebags would stand in a circle, holding hands, going, “Oh Lord, please, Lord, we just come before you, Lord, today, Lord, to ask you to bless us, Lord, and give us, Lord, those things for which we, Lord, petition you, Lord …”

    … I’d find myself thinking, “So *THIS* is what the commandment ‘Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain’ was about. It was about bugging the hell out of God for every damned little thing. Contrary to popular belief, it was not about saying “shit” and “fuck” and “damn.” ‘Cause those aren’t the Lord’s name, nor any of his many titles.

  54. iolanthe

    The American Taliban. I’ve warned people about these douches since the mid-80s, when I finally had heard enough absolute horseshit from their pulpits.

    Up until about a year and a half ago, very few people took me seriously. I got a lot of “well, *I* don’t know any Christians like that! You must be exaggerating.”

    I heard less of that after the tape of Sarah Palin’s Witch Protection prayer from that African pastor aired on YouTube.

    But I told you so.
    I really did.
    I quit those people in the mid-80s, and started attending an old-line Episcopal Church.
    *THEY* weren’t worried about these fools. They counseled me against my “bitterness”.
    Everyone told me these folks were nothing to worry about. A tiny minority. What harm could they do?

    Funny, huh?

  55. dijetlo

    [re=480983]SayItWithWookies[/re]: We’re not supposed to renounce people, it’s in the book. Love thy neighbor as thyself.
    Why do people vote for her? She comes from a conservative district. Conservatives despise everything liberal so she’s a perfect fit. They don’t care she’s incompetent, they don’t care she’s supporting a man who claims it’s Gods will that Christians martyr themselves to stop abortions, they just like the fact we don’t like her. Sister Sarai is riding the same wave.
    As for their televised pray in (I guess they skipped the chapter where Jesus mentions it does you no good in the eyes of the Lord to pray and moan on the street corner, the reward your seeking with that kind of behavior is in this life, not the next). These are just Pharisees, they’ve been around forever. There is nothing unique or notable about them, they’ve existed in every culture in every age. Atheist who ran about Christians being the root of all evil are of a similar stripe.

  56. gaswhisperer

    [re=481119]zhubajie[/re]: If Caligula made his horse a senator, what can we expect from Palin …?

  57. Neoyorquino

    [re=480989]thestream[/re]: I know most Wonketteers don’t share my Christian faith, but they do share my snark, and that’s something. Having our delicate sensibilities offended on occasion is the price we pay to live in a free country.

  58. NYNYNY

    Lord, my hands are unclean, and being so powerful, you can probably smell them, and know they smell like my bum, Lord, you who made my bum itch, you and you alone know why my hands are unclean, please clean them with magic power, thank you.

  59. Jukesgrrl

    [re=481008]chaste everywhere[/re]: “Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing any?”

    Lenny Bruce? (And if I’m wrong, do I get a consolation prize for not Googling the right answer?)

  60. ShiningMathPath

    [re=481174]gaswhisperer[/re]: Bachman is already in Congress

    [re=481181]Bearbloke[/re]: Of course, that’s why it seemed familiar: She was reading from the Necronomicon in a quest to waken the Great Old Ones.

    Foolish people! They will be the first to be devoured! (and hopefully some one will post it online)

  61. SayItWithWookies

    [re=481167]dijetlo[/re]: We’re not supposed to renounce people, it’s in the book. Love thy neighbor as thyself.
    Okay, renounce their actions — love the sinner but condemn the sin and all that. Speak out and say that what they’re doing is wrong.

    they just like the fact we don’t like her.
    No, part of my problem with her ilk is that they expect and dispense merit solely on whether one is godly to a certain extent. It’s certainly not to piss off the liberals — it’s to unite a certain bunch of people so that they can muscle out their competition and then the big folks will start revealing the doctrine. Basically common religious fervor trumps the humanistic ideals this country was founded on. These people readily argue that one should be a Christian first and an American second — while condemning Nidal Hasan’s statements that he was a Muslim first and an American second as treason. They neither know nor care about what made this country great.

    And that’s what makes them such a danger. Sure, they’ve been with us forever, but just because they haven’t succeeded doesn’t mean they’re harmless. They constantly fight to replace education with faith in our public schools. They constantly rail about how they’re oppressed when they’re not allowed to inflict their will on everyone else. And every attempt to make this a more humanistic and egalitarian nation is looked on as a snub at God that’ll bring down fire and brimstone.

    I have no interest in imposing atheism on everyone — I simply think every voting-eligible American should come equipped with the skills to be a responsible and informed citizen. Fundamentalist Christianity — as well as subgroups of probably all religions — isn’t interested in this. Saul of Tarsus implored his followers to forego rational thought and have blind faith. He wrote 15 centuries before the beginning of science and even he knew that rational thought had to be discredited in order for his religion to succeed.

    It’s not a matter of faith X arguing against faith Y. It’s a matter of a successful and internally consistent worldview battling against an arbitrary, highly biased and incomprehensible worldview that regularly declares knowledge as the enemy. Extreme faith is pernicious and evil, and always will be. There is no defending it.

  62. LowerdPeninsula

    [re=480983]SayItWithWookies[/re]: “Why the sane part of Christianity does not vehemently and constantly renounce these self-serving fascist peurile smug neanderthal hypocritical loons I have no idea.”

    And yet, when a person that claims him or herslf to be a Muslim does anything even slightly untoward, the Christianists scream “where are the moderates to denounce these actions?” It makes me so damned angry. Everytime a self-professed Muslim is implicated in some craziness, the Christianist ask for the moderates to bow and suck their dick as payback.

  63. Dolmance

    Hey, let’s pray!

    Oh, Lord… Please give Michelle Bachmann rectal cancer. Maketh her to shitteth her guts out daily in agony. Maketh her to layeth on her back as uncaring and contemptuous young interns crowd around her bedside looking unto her rotting asshole as she whineth in outrage. Maketh her to break out in angry cankers all around her mouth and to gnash her teeth in frothing, feverish anguish. Maketh her to layeth with Restless Leg Syndrome bathed in sweat and tossing and turning with the terror of Hell before her bloody eyes. Maketh her to scream into the night with anguish. Maketh her to vomit chunks continuously with the side effects of thine chemotherapy and for her hair to falleth away like wheat before thine scythe. Maketh her spouse to obtaineth a hot young chick to parade before her, like the Reverend Newt Gingrich didith with the woman he tooketh to his wife. AND THEN MAKETH THAT CUNT DIE!!!

    Amen… Peace… God bless… (I really mean it)

  64. steverino247

    Dear Ms. Bachmann,

    Go fuck yourself. The power of Christ compels you (repeat 17 times until the bed starts to move)!

  65. Dolmance

    [re=481283]steverino247[/re]: That’s what I tell my dog over and over when I take her out and want her to take a shit already – “The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!”

    And though the neighbor lady down the street who always sits by her open window is always scandalized, I just tell her, “Hey, it works. So somebody up there must like me.”

  66. JMP

    [re=481240]SayItWithWookies[/re]: “He wrote 15 centuries before the beginning of science and even he knew that rational thought had to be discredited in order for his religion to succeed.”

    I’ll have to correct you there. Although the scientific method had yet to be formalized, the Greek philosophers had begun the discipline of rational, scientific investigation of the world; hell, Eratosthenes managed to calculate the Earth’s circumference three centuries earlier. It was early science that Saul was condemning; and of course it was the early Christians who destroyed so much of the Greek and Roman discoveries.

  67. Chickensmack

    “it is you who make us worthy; it is you who make us righteous.”

    “we deserve your wrath, but we cry out for your mercy.”

    “we’re at the end of ourselves, and now we need you.”

    “Allahu Akbar.”

  68. problemwithcaring

    [re=480989]thestream[/re]: You know…thanks. If there was a funny way to say, “hey, wonkett-ers, all Christians don’t have Michelle Bachman’s confused-sexual-feelings-about-daddy issues,” your preachy little condescension ended that possibility. So as a Christian, I think it behooves me to say to you and concern trolls everywhere, we should all lighten the fuck up, shut the fuck up about it and keep trying to act like lovers of humanity, not it’s arbiters of morality.

  69. Accordion-o-rama

    [re=480989]thestream[/re]: Agreed, right along with the bigotry against geocentism and the four humours theory.

  70. frumious_bandersnatch

    Watched I that clip, yea, and I was in the desert, and then did I read this thread, and my thirst was quenched.

    …with lube, sure, but it’s not like I’m picky.

  71. chaste everywhere

    [re=481204]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Goodness sakes, j’grrl, sorry it took me so long to find your reply. Anyhoo, the answer is Jules Feiffer’s play/movie LITTLE MURDERS, but yes, you do get a consolation prize for refraining from The Cheat–namely, 9 points (of light) instead of 10.

    Speaking of Google, I tried that just now and they first sent me to a site called jimpoz.com, where it’s credited to George Carlin, which would make sense but ain’t so. Further down the list came this link: http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1129&dat=19760729&id=jwMOAAAAIBAJ&sjid=gG0DAAAAIBAJ&pg=6866,2907458

    Thanks for playing!

    “Snobbishness is the belief that interesting people are more interesting than uninteresting people.”
    . . . not sure . . . Evelyn Waugh? Kingsley Amis? one of those Brit snobs, I think

  72. DownWithGOPyeahUknowMe

    [re=480959]sophiaonfire[/re]: Yes! I was instantly brought back to the day I was crying for the kids crying over their terrible sins of sneaking an extra 5 minutes of TV.

  73. libwakman

    While Reverend Father Holy Mother Of God Bachman was chanting the tongue talk, who was the devil worshiper sipping from his coffee mug that probably held the blood of aborted baby’s?

  74. phineas_bounderby

    I’ve often wondered why Teabaggers address Jesus with titles of English royalty (Lord, King, etc) what with the whole Patrick Henry motif. Shouldn’t it be “President Jesus” or “Senator Jesus”?

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