Wonkette Correctly Exactly Predicts Which Congressman Would Fight DC Gay Marriage

  predictions

His step-father was Michael Dukakis!Yesterday, your Jim Newell announced DC’s gay-marriage-is-okay news with this caveat: “HOWEVER, while Father Congress is not expected to go all ‘Home Rule’ and block this sucker, we’re about 99.9% sure that one congressman or another representing some salty swamp in the middle of nowhere will make a half-assed attempt to ruin this, score a few points with the folks back home, etc.” Hmm, “salty swamp in the middle of nowhere,” where could that be?

Hmm, well, shit let’s just check the Salt Lake Tribune and get it over with:

A Utah Republican renewed his pledge Tuesday to prevent the nation’s capital from allowing gay couples to marry after the Washington, D.C., Council signed off on such a measure.

But Rep. Jason Chaffetz acknowledged it will be tough to overturn the newly adopted ordinance, which the Washington mayor is expected to sign before Christmas …. Chaffetz sits on a House subcommittee that oversees the district. Congress can revoke D.C. laws within 30 days after they are signed by the mayor.

Yes, sure, of course. But what kind of Mormon name is Chaffetz, anyway? That sounds pretty Jew-y to our learned ears. Hmm must be some kind of shameful biography somewhere around here ….

Hahah, of course: He is a San Francisco Bay Area Liberal Jew, in fact the son of Kitty Dukakis, who was “briefly married” to John Chaffetz, presumably this turd’s father. So this turd, who obviously has some incredible family issues, goes to BYU and converts to Mormonism and becomes a right-wing crank, the absolute worst kind, the “I used to be a liberal” young creepy kind, and he moves to Utah forever and becomes a wingnut congressman, who is now fighting a gay marriage law in Washington D.C.

And John Chaffetz is the author of a pro-gay marriage book, Gay Reality: The Team Guido Story.

So this guy, Congressman Jason Chaffetz, is obviously a Secret Pole-Smoker, no? After all, this is what he told Sports Illustrated years ago, about playing the American heterosexual game of Football: “It’s like being a ballet dancer — tight pants, a little contact and a whole lot of kicking.”

IMPORTANT CORRECTION/UPDATE: From Alisia Essig, Communications Director/ Legislative Aide to Congressman Chaffetz: “Congressman Chaffetz is not the son of Kitty Dukakis. His father John was married to Kitty and had a son named John (who is Jason’s half brother.) They were then divorced and His [sic] father married his mother and had Jason. Kitty later remarried Dukakis.”

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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75 comments


  1. Post author
    Ken Layne

    [re=479591]chascates[/re]: Yes that is from the 1,000th Twilight novel, when the werewolf and the vampire double-team some dudes from the Jersey Shore.

  2. Joshua Norton

    Yeah. Look at that puss. He’s sent more than one beer to some burly leather clad dude sitting across the bar from him.

    He just screams “Hurt me, daddy”.

  3. Dave J.

    Given the “Team Guido” thing, I think we should just call this guy “The Situation” and get it over with.

  4. Gopherit

    So this turd, who obviously has some incredible family issues, goes to BYU and converts to Mormonism

    Because when I think Judaism, I think future mormon. WTF?

  5. V572625694

    Oy, Chaffetz, born Jewish, convert to LDSism…wow, that’s some path of enlightenment. Skipped right over Buddhism and Xtianity. What next?

    Oh, I know: he’ll come out of the closet! Again!

  6. MattP

    Show some compassion, Wonkette. He’s just concerned that his DC rentboys will all be too busy playing Bridezilla to come over and have teh (paid) bondage sex with him.

  7. bureaucrap

    I’m sorry, but ID Fail: Salty swamp clearly refers to LA, and the much better sponsor for this defense of marriage legislation would have been everyone’s favorite Married man, Sen. David Vitter (you said “congressman”, and I hasten to remind you that the term applies to members of both houses). Utah is salty but not swampy. And as far as it being in the middle of nowhere, it’s a gigantic airport hub now. Whereas, by comparison, the entire state of LA (save N.O.) is the middle of nowhere.

    That being said, Rep. Chaffetz looks like a nice jewish boy, exactly the kind I’d like to gay-marry.

  8. snideinplainsight

    “If it were put up for a vote, traditional marriage would win,” he said. “It would win with a congressional vote, and it would win with the residents of Washington, D.C.”

    Uhm … no.

  9. user-of-owls

    Hmm, “salty swamp in the middle of nowhere,” where could that be?

    Um, with the exception of some parts of the Northwest (i.e., the Militia Belt), that could in fact be just about anywhere with a Republican Congressperson.

  10. Extemporanus

    [re=479603]Suds McKenzie[/re]: “Bossy Bottom” is the name of the “boat” he lets guys “pilot” around his “salty swamp”.

    He’s especially fond of “waterskiing”.

  11. yargisbargis

    [re=479593]Ken Layne[/re]: And then the werewolf, the vampire and the Guidos are blessed with little vampire werewolf/Italian-American children who as adults renounce their mutant heritage and go to live in Celebration Florida.

    But they still cross-dress.

  12. Joshua Norton

    Congress has always been about 50 years behind what is good for DC. The District was supposed to form a perfect square, but in 1847 they voted to return the City of Alexandria to Virginia because its residents wanted to be able to continue to sell slaves.

    They still haven’t caught up.

  13. Terry

    “…playing the American heterosexual game of Football: “It’s like being a ballet dancer — tight pants, a little contact and a whole lot of kicking.””

    Which explains why he never made varsity in high school. He must have been a joy on the field, running up to down players and kicking the snot out of them.

  14. user-of-owls

    [re=479613]Extemporanus[/re]: Can we ask him if he would favor an irrevocable death penalty for someone who raped and murdered his Mom?

  15. Terry

    [re=479614]bureaucrap[/re]:

    Yeah, but south Louisiana has a whole bunch of good food, dancing, and drive thru places that will hand you a Big Gulp sized margarita or daquiri and a straw right as you sit in the driver’s seat. That puts them well ahead of Utah, which is known for Jello and very earnest people.

  16. Snidely

    Me luvs some Wikipedia entry: “After briefly serving under Gov. Jon Huntsman as his Chief-of-Staff…” uh-huh

  17. gradgrind

    It’s folks like Congressperson Chafe-Itch who screw up the old “dead girl/live boy” equivalence and complicate my career as a political seeress. What will it take to get this guy back into the private life he so richly deserves, to spend time with whatever (this week) he considers his family?

    And what is he doing with that vat of Costco tomatoes hastily removed from Palin catapult radius)? Also.

  18. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    This kind of smacks of “If I can’t get married to my top in Utah, no one will be able to get married.”

    [re=479593]Ken Layne[/re]: So you are saying there is a reason to read the Twilight books?

  19. Josh Fruhlinger

    From Wikipedia: “In October 2009, Chaffetz appeared on Fox News and claimed that large number of door-to-door census workers were guilty of manslaughter, child molestation, and rape.” Ha ha, classy!

  20. Potater

    “the absolute worst kind”

    Absolute worst kind of what? Unless you mean “kind” as in cattle, in which case yes. I’m sure his milk tastes terrible, but his rump has been thoroughly tenderized.

  21. Cicada

    Let’s see. The same-sex marriage legislation was approved by the D.C. city council, who are elected by the residents of D.C. It will be signed by Mayor Fenty, also elected by the residents of D.C. And then this choad from Utah is going to try to overturn it.

    Hey Representative Chaffetz, I don’t come into your state and knock the dicks out of your ass, do I? So do me a favor and let the gays in D.C. get married.

  22. JMP

    It’s nice to see a member of two different historically oppressed groups is eager to get his own oppressing going.

  23. Gopherit

    [re=479627]SayItWithWookies[/re]: That clip is a classic. I don’t know what I liked better, Colbert asking him if “pumping gas at the Maverick” was a euphemism or asking Chaffetz to kiss his sweetness.

  24. thefrontpage

    Hey, sources report that this guy is regularly seen at the Republican National Committee Headquarters, Smith Point, the offices of Late Night Shots, and the C Street House. So he’s definately batting from the other side of the plate.

  25. El Pinche

    Good to see Ed Robertson multitasking between fightin bigots and being the frontman for the Bare Naked Ladies.

  26. President Beeblebrox

    Why the fuck is a Mormon from Utah (sorry, I know that was redundant) on the D.C. Affairs Subcommittee?

    I can haz D.C. statehood nao, plx?

  27. What Fresh Hell is This?

    That is the best analogy of all time (yes, I said “anal”.) It should be adapted to other activities. What isn’t “like being a ballet dancer — tight pants, a little contact and a whole lot of kicking?”

  28. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Dude is one soul patch and a pair of maxillomandibular stretch marks away from being a total power bottom.

  29. KilgoreTrout_XL

    “tight pants, a little contact and a whole lot of kicking”

    A leprechaun must of beat the poop out of him when he was a kid.

  30. Litlebritdifrnt

    [re=479594]Joshua Norton[/re]: And hopefully said leather clad dude is now furiously googling “National Enquirer Hotline”

  31. Flanders

    [re=479603]Suds McKenzie[/re]: OMG, you have just perfectly described my ex-husband! I will cherish that phrase forever.

  32. TubeCity

    I’d assume that he lifted that line about ballet and football from some joke book, but it’s such a weak analogy – “a little contact” describes football? – that he might have made it up himself.

    The key to the joke must be that he’s viewing football from the perspective of someone in a rough trade with a LOT of hard contact. It could be a joke among roustabouts on a North Sea oil rig in winter. Maybe that’s where he first heard it whispered in his ear while squirming.

  33. Snarkalicious

    To those who keep referring to this man as teh ghey, stop now plz. Based on the picture above he is clearly a pigeon fucker.

  34. Lazy Media

    He was a placekicker on the football team? Jesus, Mary, why don’t you just wear an evening gown to Congress?

  35. hagajim

    He’s just mad cause his Sugar Daddy Larry C. had to leave the Senate and if he and Larry can’t be married why should anyone else be able to?

  36. Berkeley Bear

    The fact he was a kicker at BYU explains the qoute and likely the conversion. BYU is free if you are a member of the church, costs a leg and an arm otherwise. So lots of walk-ons at BYU (which most kickers are) convert to save on tuition. Although they generally stay converted for the underwear, mandatory tithing and sex with blonde chicas who think they’ll populate their own planet someday.

  37. fatherfigure

    Utah isn’t widely known for its swamps, so I’m glad someone is directing some attention to this overlooked feature of our national treasure state.

  38. Bulzeye

    Mormons believe that God lives on the planet Kolab. It is true… I cannot explain how I know. Let’s just say on Mother’s Day I buy like ten cards. But I think we should just ship all the queers to Kolab and totally screw up God’s neighborhood.

  39. Scandalabra

    I used to drink at a South Beach bar where my drink of choice, at that time, was the cheapest bar vodka on the rocks. They called it a “Kitty Dukakis” Skol, Jason!

  40. Jukesgrrl

    I’m having multiple-marriage mania. I’ve read the Wikis on this whole clan all entries are very mysterious about the parentage of Jason Chaffetz. His entry says “Chaffetz’ father was briefly married to Kitty Dukakis” and Kitty’s entry expands on that by saying, “Chaffetz’s father was briefly married to Kitty Dukakis and so Jason has an older half-brother, John Dukakis. That could mean, but doesn’t HAVE to mean, that Kitty is his mother. Liz Taylor was briefly married to Nicky Hilton, that doesn’t mean she’s related to Paris Hilton. Mike Dukakis’ Wiki entry says, “The couple’s children are John, Andrea, and Kara.” John is identified as being the son of John Chaffetz Sr. and Kitty, adopted by Mike, whose name John uses. It says absolutely nothing about any Jason. Who is this weirdo’s mother, anyway? Poor ole Kitty has enough problems, so let’s not blame her for this douchebag unless absolutely necessary.

    Maybe Jason is like that character from the Danielle Steel mini-series who screamed the famous line, “Which one of you bitches is my mother?” If Kitty is his mother, she’s going to a lot of trouble to cover it up. No wonder he’s so screwed up.

  41. What Fresh Hell is This?

    [re=480146]Jukesgrrl[/re]: You have just uncovered the greatest of all conspiracies. It says in his official biography that “In 1995, Mr. Chaffetz’s mother passed away after a long fight with cancer.” Nowhere does it give her name.

    B. Hussein Obama’s mother passed away of cancer in 1995. This is not a coincidence. One can only conclude that Chaffetz and Obama are long-separated brothers.

  42. ChanceH

    What in the gay hell hasn’t this man done with a lonely frat boy in the basement of his Tudor style suburban home?

  43. zenferret

    [re=480218]notanaturalblonde[/re]: And still at 2:15 PM Thursday.

    [re=480224]ChanceH[/re]: This is the wanker that sleeps on a cot in his House office.

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