Oral Roberts, Dead As The Dickens

  dead finks don't talk too well

By popular request, the latest dead person’s most lasting homage to his Heterosexual God: “The vagina. Only one organ made can bring forth life. It’s the male organ. It’s not, in lesbianism, for the tongue of a female goes into the vagina of another female. It’s not in the male, where the male organ goes into the part of the body where the… the waste matter comes out of the body as poison, and he penetrates that part of the body in homosexuality. It’s not to be put in the mouth of the man, or the mouth of the man or the woman…. It is the male organ, penetrating the vagina of the woman, the male and the female.” [NYT]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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166 comments

  1. germansteel

    What he says there is literally true. But, there is a lot more to the story, isn’t there?

    —Paul Harvey, also dead.

  2. Larry McAwful

    I gotta give Oral his props here. Just reading that transcription was enough to make me lose any and all interest in sex, and to make me feel incredibly unsexy, and not want to have sex. All you have to do is hear Oral and you won’t want to have sex, ever, which spreads strong morality all around everywhere, apparently. He sure knows how to do his job, even when he’s dead.

  3. mollymcguire

    ” ‘cmon, go there and touch it . . .”

    I believe we have a new motto for the Republican party.

  4. Wugou

    Dear Penthouse Forum,

    I never thought this would happen to met, but I was reading a political blog on the internets about a dead guy who did not like people who had teh gey. He described gay sexy time and then I got a boner. The end.

    Signed,
    wugou

  5. snideinplainsight

    Oh, you people. You are pretty sad.

    Now if you could get Dana Perineum to read this out loud on camera, then you’d have something.

  6. rocktonsammy

    What go you call two gay guys name Bob?

    I thought he was still up in tower waiting for the big bucks.

  7. Joshua Norton

    I never thought anyone could make sex sound like a complete turn-off until just this minute. You might know it would take a fantasy-projecting wingnut to do it.

  8. leftcoaster

    [re=479056]proudgrampa[/re]: I guess. Except the vagina doesn’t “really bring forth life.” If I had to assign that role to just one organ, I’d go with the uterus, with assistance from the ovaries.

    Of course, back in Oral’s day (you know, in the distant past when it was acceptable to name children Oral), perhaps they still thought women were impregnated by wandering spirits.

  9. Potater

    Why does he never say “penis”? Does he not know the name of what dangles between his wife’s legs?

  10. Joshua Norton

    His parents decided to name him “Oral” when the registry clerk refused to allow them to use “Buttfuck”.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    Hey says vagina, but will only say “male organ.” It makes me wonder why Oral Roberts couldn’t get penis out of his mouth.

  12. AliBabaInBA

    I don’t know. Kinda sounds like a public service to his flock on how to avoid an unwanted bringing forth of life.

  13. Whitey Did Katrina

    “Were you an Oral Roberts supporter? No? You know the best way to display your displeasure with his theology and politics? Give me a blow job in the men’s room. That’ll show him.”

  14. Godless Liberal

    That right there is why Mrs. Roberts has been fucking me on the side. Poor gal just wanted a little adventure.

  15. mumblyjoe

    I’m actually very confused. If buttsecks and the oral are immoral, then how are the Virtuous Christian Ladies supposed to properly practise Honorable Christian Abstinence, which consists of nothing other than those two things?

  16. V572625694

    [re=479099]Potater[/re]: I like the term “member.” As in, “I belong to the country club. Didn’t know you were a member.”

  17. DangerousLiberal

    [re=479083]snideinplainsight[/re]: Dana Perineum? I think the word you’re looking for is taint.

    Ol’ Oral’s demise, strangely, followed by just days my setting up an MC 900 Ft Jesus playlist on Rhapsody. Coincidence? Anyway, when he gets to where he’s going, I wonder if he will see our saviour, as tall as an eighty story building.

  18. depraved indifference engine

    It’s not so much a living hell, it’s just a dying fiction.

    Turn me on, dead man, also.

  19. Joshua Norton

    He hasn’t been the same since the cleaning lady chased him around the church and grabbed him by the organ.

    /rimshot

  20. BadKitty

    Oh come on now, guys. I feel a little sad about his death.

    Oops. My bad. It was just a bit of gas.

    Goodbye, good riddance, which way to his grave?

  21. uncletravelingmatt

    And yea verily, The Regional Manager of the Lord came to him in a vision, saying, “Though The Lord is best pleased with your technical descriptions of sexual acts, your Third Quarter fundraising numbers are in the tank. Thou had best get thy shit together, pronto.” But the numbers did not rebound in Q4, and The Lord smote him.

  22. shortsshortsshorts

    FAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAP *pause*

    FAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAP

  23. iwillsavethispatient

    Oral Roberts, will be sadly missed by his wife, Mrs Anal Roberts, his sons, Doggy-style Roberts and Reverse-Cowgirl Roberts, and his daughter, Gertrude.

  24. Holy Cow!!

    God stuffs out another homophobic huckster. You’d think they’d learn to change their freedom-hating ways.

  25. Downtheroadapiece

    [re=479084]Crazybroad[/re]: You know they’ve been sitting on that one for years, anxiously awaiting the day, and keeping on eye on the odds on celebrity death pools.


  26. Post author
    Jim Newell

    [re=479122]depraved indifference engine[/re]: [re=479134]skimmingtonride[/re]: Finally! God I love that album.

  27. Jim89048

    “Evangelist Oral Roberts dead at 91 of pneumonia complications “
    Shouldn’t that read “Evangelist Oral Roberts dead of complications of being 91 fucking years old”?

  28. Larry McAwful

    Oral Roberts has been dead for hours now and I still don’t miss him. Will this trend continue?

  29. rikitikitavi

    “It’s not to be put in the mouth of the man, or the mouth of the man or the woman…. It is the male organ, penetrating the vagina of the woman, the male and the female.”

    What a cocksucker.

  30. Joshua Norton

    [re=479149]Extemporanus[/re]: So he could be called either “Granny” or “Oral”. Kind of a potato/patahto thing going there on the “ick” scale.

  31. rikitikitavi

    So are supposed to believe that this guy in his whole life never had a blowjob? and never went down on his wife? so his wife probably had few if any orgasms in her life?

    I know I’m stating the obvious, but seriously, how did the human race end up with an entire segment of the species that hates physical pleasure?

  32. Extemporanus

    [re=479153]Joshua Norton[/re]: “G-Ville” would’ve been perfect for him:

    “Mad props to Pops who up in G-Ville, yo! Hella dope be Thy name!”

  33. BlueStateLibtard

    Oh such sweet words of romance!

    What with the Ashley Dupre, Richard Cohen and Oral Roberts’ porn lately, my libido is… just about dead. Thanks!

  34. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=479154]Extemporanus[/re]: IF YOU ARE A PATRIOT, YOU WILL PHAP TO PHLAGS— but that is the only relation I can see.

  35. Extemporanus

    [re=479117]DangerousLiberal[/re]: I have some good news:

    Your playlist and my comment from earlier today, were determined to be two of the main contributing factors leading to the untimely demise of the world’s favorite fellatio-&-fecal-averse faith healer.

  36. Carrie_Okie

    A lot of folks did not know his full Christian name was NO ANAL/ORAL ROBERTS.
    True story. Also. How sad, when I saw the headline I thought of that joke, and Wonkette.

    Fuck you Anal/Oral. I’m glad you’re dead.

  37. Come here a minute

    This is as fucked up as the vagina thing:

    He began his television career in 1954 by filming worship services conducted under a traveling tent, the largest of which held 10,000 people. He maintained that God worked in a miraculous way through his hands, and the peak of every service came when he seated himself like a prince on an elevated stage and worshipers gathered in a prayer line. One by one they paused before Mr. Roberts, spellbound, as his right hand gripped their bodies and he prayed for healing.

  38. kudzu

    [re=479062]hoosiermama[/re]: Now, wait a minute. I’d like to see more of that tongue-in-vagina thing before passing any judgment.

  39. Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=479098]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: Well, somebody saw (500) Days of Summer. Now, crash the funeral & play the Penis Game, there.

  40. Autochthon

    [re=479068]Terry[/re]: Oral, I hope you wind up on the floor of hell with your back broke, as is fitting after a lifetime of hypocritical bigotry, huckstering, and hate-mongering…

  41. rikitikitavi

    [re=479196]etrading74[/re]: Obviously, this is God, who has come here to throw random irrelevance in our giddy mocking of Oral’s death. God works in mysterious ways, like what the fuck is He trying to say?

  42. BeWoot

    I am so glad someone finally explained all this sex thing to me. I kept trying to stick it her nose and it just wasn’t working out for us, baby-wise.

  43. Mr Blifil

    [re=479128]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: You left out noted black sheep of the family Mandingo Roberts and his godchild, Cleveland Steamer Roberts.

  44. Jim89048

    [re=479217]BeWoot[/re]: That’s the universal sign that she wants it in her ear, when she turns her head like that.

  45. SayItWithWookies

    [re=479214]rikitikitavi[/re]: It seems like Oral Roberts’ death gets more commercial every year.

  46. PsycGirl

    [re=479217]BeWoot[/re]: Sounds like Oral tried skull-fucking and didn’t like it. Seriously, I have rarely cringed so much in three minutes, which is as much as I could take.

  47. MGBYG

    This little hummer of a speech was done at the Ayn Rand Institute before the ears of a young(er as if) Alan Greenspan so he would know what to do with that Ms. Mitchell crumpet, whom he so lavishly buffs his head upon her maturing groin.

    This sick kinda fuck just spreads, I tell ya!

  48. Aurelio

    [re=479226]SnarkyMark[/re]: I just looked “dickens” up. It has nothing to do with Charles Dickens, and antedates him by two hundred years. It is a euphemism for “devil,” possibly a contraction of “devilkins.”

    400 years ago, people were too polite or repressed (or something) even to say “What the devil?” Instead, they said, “What the dickens?”

    Look how far we have come since those days. Consider our ubiquitous “fuck,” as in “What the fuck?” etc. We have become like Mexicans, who say some variant of “chingar” (to fuck) ever few words.

    This is yet another sign of the decline of our culture, in case you needed another sign.

    Oh, what the fuck! Who cares?

  49. Rev. Peter Lemonjello

    The sheer logistics of commenting and fapping while choking myself with only 2 hands have left me exhausted.

  50. What Fresh Hell is This?

    Of the three Roberts boys – Oral, Anal, and Phallic – only one lived up to his potential.

  51. DustBowlBlues

    [re=479112]chascates[/re]: I guess his fans were tapped out after the last 8 million dollars they raised so God wouldn’t “call him home.”

    Favorite bumper sticker ever, from those days: “Lord: If you can’t call him home, could you at least call him to Texas?”

  52. Darkness

    [re=479127]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Jesus, those little piggy eyes, those hands. Little Dudley Dursley is all growed up!

  53. DustBowlBlues

    [re=479205]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Maybe DC and the gays killed Oral, or the OKC school district just adding rule that classes harassment of homosexual to the anti-bullying policy. Before the feds ordered it under the Matthew Shepard Act.

  54. Redhead

    So to summarize: Only one organ is responsible for creating life. It can’t be the vagina cause those icky lesbians eat out each others’ vaginas. It can’t be the penis because those icky gheys put their penises in each others’ poop chutes. And even the heteros use their penises and vaginas for icky oral sex, which is SO unchristian!

    Nope, good sheeple, only one organ is responsible for creation life. It isn’t the vagina and it isn’t the penis. It’s the vagina and penis, but only when they work together, in good Christian vanilla missionary creation-only sex. Just that one organ.

  55. depraved indifference engine

    [re=479142]Jim Newell[/re]: Are you kidding!

    People come and go
    And forget to close the door,
    And leave their stains and cigarette butts trampled on the floor,
    And when they do, remember me, remember me.

    Come on.

  56. Aurelio

    [re=479255]Redhead[/re]: “…good Christian vanilla missionary creation-only sex. Just that one organ.”

    Sounds pretty good to me. We don’t have to do anything else. How can I get in touch with you?

  57. bitchincamaro

    Goddamit! Maybe the most important post EVER! in the herstory of Wonkette and I have to pack my shit to leave Detroit tomorrow morning. Fuck this shit.

    *kicks shaving kit downstairs; hits Mom*

  58. Schmegeg

    That was really a great freshman seminar. You should have heard the stories about what we could not do to animals!


  59. Post author
    Jim Newell

    [re=479258]depraved indifference engine[/re]: Oh god that was gorgeous and heartbreaking.

    Yeah this is easily my favorite of the four ’70s pop albums… it is just constant enjoyment and creativity. Another Green World is too fancy.

  60. Joshua Norton

    Y’know, after thinking about how much moola this shmuck raked in over the years, I’ve decided I’ve had it with blogging. I can do better. I don’t need fellow readers, I need followers. I’m fairly imaginative and somewhat charismatic. I deserve followers. So here’s the plan. I’m going to buy some inexpensive property in San Bernardino County, and I’m going to put what I’ve learned from this blog to work. I’m going to get all of these post-natural-disaster mobile homes, and move them to San Berdoo.

    You can join me there, if you’re willing to hand over all your savings (min. $10k) and promise your undying fealty. The new religion involves elements of Buddhism and Toastmasters. Also, the Brady Bunch “Hawaiian Vacation” episodes will be part of our sacred texts. Tell your family you’re going out for cigarettes.

  61. wildturtlelove

    But most importantly, never stick your tongue or your penis on a metal flagpole in freezing weather.

  62. depraved indifference engine

    [re=479270]Jim Newell[/re]: I dunno; each one has its strengths and weaknesses. I may be a stupid romantic, but “I’ll Come Running” makes me weep for humanity.

    I was just out of high school, working as a “runner” at the Chicago Board of Trade, when I first heard “Taking Tiger Mountain”. I assumed he was talking about the crooked world of fake finance. Never quite recovered from that.

  63. Marsupialboy

    What a maroon! In his sexy list he completely ignores rimming, where the tongue of the male or female goes into where the waste matter comes out of the body, as poison. And despite what Mr. Roberts may have believed, I, for one, know that you can indeed make a baby from rimming, because every time I do it, I hear “Yes baby yes baby yes baby oh baby.” So there.

  64. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=479196]etrading74[/re]: Until you advertise a handjob, like Oral, I will have no part of it. Respect Oral, you awful, shit-consuming Sodomite.

  65. LowerdPeninsula

    [re=479246]Rev. Peter Lemonjello[/re]: Unless you have more than two hands, I’m not sure how that is even logistically possible, and thus can’t leave you exhausted. Now, if your helper monkey was choking you, your hooker was jaking you off, and you were typing, I could understand the exhaustion.

    [re=479278]Marsupialboy[/re]: “And despite what Mr. Roberts may have believed, I, for one, know that you can indeed make a baby from rimming, because every time I do it, I hear “Yes baby yes baby yes baby oh baby.” So there.”

    BWAHAHA!!!11!!!111@

  66. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=479283]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I thought “Nike Shox” and “Handbags” was code for handjobs. What the hell am I getting when my order arrives?

  67. CrazyDrumGuy

    1. All the Siemens disappears from our Wonkette.
    2. Sexysex god of sex Oral Roberts dies.

    COINCEDENCE??!!?!?!!?!?!!

  68. Bearbloke

    [re=479205]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Oral’s dead? Perhaps the world has just ended – just like it did the last time one of these hucksters shuffled off the mortal coil…

    [re=479258]depraved indifference engine[/re]: I much prefer this one – Hey Bloggers! Rawk out with your typewriter out!!!

  69. Bearbloke

    Oral Anal Roberts: “…and everybody KNOOOOOWS when the deeply repressed sexual arousal reaches a certain point, the person goes INSANE and goes on the tv and claims that GAWD wants him to raise $8 million in small bills or He’ll gut me like a catfish…”

  70. villageatrois

    [re=479306]Bearbloke[/re]: And yea verily, GAWD did gut him like a catfish, from the male organ unto the vagina, leaving unbesmarched his ah-noes and his cherry mouth, from which much bile hath spewed continually since the Ice Age. And they erected in his memory a palace of minimal learning, and they banished it unto Oklahoma. And he commanded unto him those who hath skill of the basketball. Amen.

  71. ChernobylSoup v2

    [re=479310]villageatrois[/re]: And they erected in his memory a palace of minimal learning, and they banished it unto Oklahoma. And he commanded unto him those who hath the skill of basketball.

    Thank you. That was just marvelous.

  72. TGY

    God hath gathered him unto His bosom, that being the upper ventral region of an His torso where His tits are.

  73. Redhead

    [re=479263]Aurelio[/re]: You can write to me care of Oral Roberts University. Letters only, God hates sexting, cause the gheys do it.
    Cell phones, that’s another thing good Christians don’t put in their vaginas or mouths or their… their… where the evil poison waste comes out.

  74. depraved indifference engine

    [re=479305]Bearbloke[/re]: Indeed. That typewriter solo cannot be beat, ever, by anyone.

  75. Flanders

    [re=479271]Joshua Norton[/re]: Gaaah! I am STILL traumatized by the Hawaiian Vacation episodes. Which is clearly a sign that you are my leader!
    /heads out to bank to get your $10K in cash.

  76. chaste everywhere

    Oral Roberts, Oral Roberts! Why doesn’t anyone ever quote his brothers Anal and Genital? At least they’re still with us (more or less).

  77. skoal rebel

    thats right aint puttin no peter in my dirt hole only oral i give is dip next time any dude in a truck stop bathroom tells me to put his peter in my dirt hole ill think of oral saying this

  78. Jim89048

    [re=479281]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: For about 35 years, that was my hometown paper. And now you have broken it.

  79. inedalo

    what’s wrong with me putting my sex organ into the mouth of a hetero-girl, if only i can find a cute one to do this trick?
    thie dude reminds me of that Gore Vidal quote, during those halcyon days from our great Prez Clinton was gettin some of that Monica chick. responding to the moralists’ critique, Vidal said pungently- “better to have oral sex in the white house than oral roberts in the oval office”
    or something like that.

    few have the cojones to make speculative comments like that anymore.

    and my last word on the topic- if monica lewinsky had only learned how to swallow, we wouldn’t have to take our shoes off at the airport.

Comments are closed.