DEAD FINKS DON'T TALK TOO WELL  5:31 pm December 15, 2009

Oral Roberts, Dead As The Dickens

by Jim Newell

By popular request, the latest dead person’s most lasting homage to his Heterosexual God: “The vagina. Only one organ made can bring forth life. It’s the male organ. It’s not, in lesbianism, for the tongue of a female goes into the vagina of another female. It’s not in the male, where the male organ goes into the part of the body where the… the waste matter comes out of the body as poison, and he penetrates that part of the body in homosexuality. It’s not to be put in the mouth of the man, or the mouth of the man or the woman…. It is the male organ, penetrating the vagina of the woman, the male and the female.” [NYT]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 166 comments }

Red Zeppelin December 15, 2009 at 5:33 pm

Wow, Wonkette really is NSFW these days! That got me plenty steamy!

proudgrampa December 15, 2009 at 5:34 pm

Well, he certainly understood the mechanics…

donner_froh December 15, 2009 at 5:34 pm

Another one on the list of “He was still alive?”

Citizen Kang December 15, 2009 at 5:34 pm

Anyone else getting all lathered up by his contribution to Penthouse Forum?

hoosiermama December 15, 2009 at 5:35 pm

Ew. Just. Ew.

OzoneTom December 15, 2009 at 5:36 pm

And dead retards are put into the cold ground like everyone else.

Terry December 15, 2009 at 5:37 pm

Oral, I hope you find peace in the afterlife and are forgiven.

pampl December 15, 2009 at 5:37 pm

I’m reading this as an implicit acknowledgment that God is cool with hand jobs and fisting

Darkness December 15, 2009 at 5:38 pm

Suffice to say that without this quote, we knew exactly what kind of fixation this man had.

germansteel December 15, 2009 at 5:39 pm

What he says there is literally true. But, there is a lot more to the story, isn’t there?

—Paul Harvey, also dead.

biggiantannoyingthing December 15, 2009 at 5:39 pm

TYT? Really? Wonkette is better than that.

slavojzizek December 15, 2009 at 5:39 pm

The turkey baster has also been known to work, when handled by the lesbians.

Larry McAwful December 15, 2009 at 5:40 pm

I gotta give Oral his props here. Just reading that transcription was enough to make me lose any and all interest in sex, and to make me feel incredibly unsexy, and not want to have sex. All you have to do is hear Oral and you won’t want to have sex, ever, which spreads strong morality all around everywhere, apparently. He sure knows how to do his job, even when he’s dead.

mollymcguire December 15, 2009 at 5:42 pm

” ‘cmon, go there and touch it . . .”

I believe we have a new motto for the Republican party.

slavojzizek December 15, 2009 at 5:45 pm

[re=479069]pampl[/re]: Not to mention man on dog sex.

Wugou December 15, 2009 at 5:45 pm

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I never thought this would happen to met, but I was reading a political blog on the internets about a dead guy who did not like people who had teh gey. He described gay sexy time and then I got a boner. The end.

Signed,
wugou

petehammer December 15, 2009 at 5:45 pm

[re=479075]Larry McAwful[/re]: You said “oral” and “job.”

Naked Bunny with a Whip December 15, 2009 at 5:46 pm

So Roberts was a strap-on advocate?

snideinplainsight December 15, 2009 at 5:46 pm

Oh, you people. You are pretty sad.

Now if you could get Dana Perineum to read this out loud on camera, then you’d have something.

Crazybroad December 15, 2009 at 5:47 pm

The best headline on this: “Jesus prepares to receive Oral.”

Carson December 15, 2009 at 5:47 pm

A guy named Oral has to be on top of this sort of thing, so to speak.

Buzz Feedback December 15, 2009 at 5:49 pm

Who knew the prayer tower in OK was just a huge cokk?

rocktonsammy December 15, 2009 at 5:49 pm

What go you call two gay guys name Bob?

I thought he was still up in tower waiting for the big bucks.

mumblyjoe December 15, 2009 at 5:49 pm

Penis.

Joshua Norton December 15, 2009 at 5:50 pm

I never thought anyone could make sex sound like a complete turn-off until just this minute. You might know it would take a fantasy-projecting wingnut to do it.

geminisunmars December 15, 2009 at 5:52 pm

See, I told you there’d be some good news today.

Rotundo December 15, 2009 at 5:53 pm

[re=479084]Crazybroad[/re]: For The Win!

leftcoaster December 15, 2009 at 5:53 pm

[re=479056]proudgrampa[/re]: I guess. Except the vagina doesn’t “really bring forth life.” If I had to assign that role to just one organ, I’d go with the uterus, with assistance from the ovaries.

Of course, back in Oral’s day (you know, in the distant past when it was acceptable to name children Oral), perhaps they still thought women were impregnated by wandering spirits.

snideinplainsight December 15, 2009 at 5:54 pm

His sister, Miss A. Roberts, was equally famous, though not for preaching.

gurukalehuru December 15, 2009 at 5:54 pm

Hallelujah!! The rapture is a-comin’, one motherfucker at a time.

Mild Midwesterner December 15, 2009 at 5:56 pm

Everyone say it together now, “penis, Penis, PENIS.”

Potater December 15, 2009 at 5:56 pm

Why does he never say “penis”? Does he not know the name of what dangles between his wife’s legs?

Joshua Norton December 15, 2009 at 5:57 pm

His parents decided to name him “Oral” when the registry clerk refused to allow them to use “Buttfuck”.

SayItWithWookies December 15, 2009 at 6:02 pm

Hey says vagina, but will only say “male organ.” It makes me wonder why Oral Roberts couldn’t get penis out of his mouth.

Skwerl Nutz December 15, 2009 at 6:03 pm

Gay Bob’s erotic literature will be missed. penis. also.

AliBabaInBA December 15, 2009 at 6:06 pm

I don’t know. Kinda sounds like a public service to his flock on how to avoid an unwanted bringing forth of life.

Whitey Did Katrina December 15, 2009 at 6:07 pm

“Were you an Oral Roberts supporter? No? You know the best way to display your displeasure with his theology and politics? Give me a blow job in the men’s room. That’ll show him.”

Godless Liberal December 15, 2009 at 6:10 pm

That right there is why Mrs. Roberts has been fucking me on the side. Poor gal just wanted a little adventure.

chascates December 15, 2009 at 6:11 pm

In spite of all the fundraising God called him home. Say hi to Jerry Falwell when you get to hell.

Scandalabra December 15, 2009 at 6:11 pm

He probably has a son named Anal to take over the whole enterprise.

mumblyjoe December 15, 2009 at 6:11 pm

I’m actually very confused. If buttsecks and the oral are immoral, then how are the Virtuous Christian Ladies supposed to properly practise Honorable Christian Abstinence, which consists of nothing other than those two things?

desertwind December 15, 2009 at 6:13 pm

HAIL SATAN!

At last we have prevailed.

V572625694 December 15, 2009 at 6:13 pm

[re=479099]Potater[/re]: I like the term “member.” As in, “I belong to the country club. Didn’t know you were a member.”

DangerousLiberal December 15, 2009 at 6:14 pm

[re=479083]snideinplainsight[/re]: Dana Perineum? I think the word you’re looking for is taint.

Ol’ Oral’s demise, strangely, followed by just days my setting up an MC 900 Ft Jesus playlist on Rhapsody. Coincidence? Anyway, when he gets to where he’s going, I wonder if he will see our saviour, as tall as an eighty story building.

engulfedinflames December 15, 2009 at 6:16 pm

Kinky, for all the wrong reasons.

AbstinenceOnly Ed December 15, 2009 at 6:20 pm

HO HO HORAL

Megapteronica December 15, 2009 at 6:21 pm

I’m totally confused Dr. Roberts. Is this going to be on the test?

depraved indifference engine December 15, 2009 at 6:21 pm

It’s not so much a living hell, it’s just a dying fiction.

Turn me on, dead man, also.

Joshua Norton December 15, 2009 at 6:21 pm

He hasn’t been the same since the cleaning lady chased him around the church and grabbed him by the organ.

/rimshot

BadKitty December 15, 2009 at 6:23 pm

Oh come on now, guys. I feel a little sad about his death.

Oops. My bad. It was just a bit of gas.

Goodbye, good riddance, which way to his grave?

uncletravelingmatt December 15, 2009 at 6:26 pm

And yea verily, The Regional Manager of the Lord came to him in a vision, saying, “Though The Lord is best pleased with your technical descriptions of sexual acts, your Third Quarter fundraising numbers are in the tank. Thou had best get thy shit together, pronto.” But the numbers did not rebound in Q4, and The Lord smote him.

shortsshortsshorts December 15, 2009 at 6:28 pm

FAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAP *pause*

FAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAPFAP

Texan Bulldoggette December 15, 2009 at 6:29 pm

Not sure why anyone outside of Oral Roberts land (Tulsa, OK) would care about this. Although there was an interesting little brouhaha involving Richard “Dick” Roberts (the son). Appears Dick loves $$ more than, well, anything else….http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2007-10-05-oral-roberts-univ_N.htm

iwillsavethispatient December 15, 2009 at 6:30 pm

Oral Roberts, will be sadly missed by his wife, Mrs Anal Roberts, his sons, Doggy-style Roberts and Reverse-Cowgirl Roberts, and his daughter, Gertrude.

Holy Cow!! December 15, 2009 at 6:31 pm

God stuffs out another homophobic huckster. You’d think they’d learn to change their freedom-hating ways.

skimmingtonride December 15, 2009 at 6:37 pm

nice brian eno reference.

Downtheroadapiece December 15, 2009 at 6:39 pm

[re=479084]Crazybroad[/re]: You know they’ve been sitting on that one for years, anxiously awaiting the day, and keeping on eye on the odds on celebrity death pools.

AbstinenceOnly Ed December 15, 2009 at 6:42 pm

LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU EVEN FILTHIER SOUNDING OREL HERSHISER!!!!!!

boy_howdy December 15, 2009 at 6:42 pm

What we need now is for Rudi Giuliani’s ex-wife to rejoin The Vagina Monologues and recite this.

JeffGoldblum December 15, 2009 at 6:43 pm

HIS KNOWLEGE OF PENIS’S + VAGYNAS IS VERY INTRESTIN AND SHUD BE APPLODDED

bobwurst December 15, 2009 at 6:43 pm

Hey, can I touch someone’s breat? Oral told me to.

Jim Newell December 15, 2009 at 6:44 pm

[re=479122]depraved indifference engine[/re]: [re=479134]skimmingtonride[/re]: Finally! God I love that album.

DC Hates Me December 15, 2009 at 6:44 pm

The Bible: Porn without pictures.

El Pinche December 15, 2009 at 6:47 pm

Sounds like Oral’s daddy touched his butthole. RIP, bitch!

Extemporanus December 15, 2009 at 6:48 pm

I hope CBN doesn’t cancel “My Name is Oral”? I fucking love that show!

Jim89048 December 15, 2009 at 6:50 pm

“Evangelist Oral Roberts dead at 91 of pneumonia complications “
Shouldn’t that read “Evangelist Oral Roberts dead of complications of being 91 fucking years old”?

Larry McAwful December 15, 2009 at 6:53 pm

Oral Roberts has been dead for hours now and I still don’t miss him. Will this trend continue?

Extemporanus December 15, 2009 at 6:54 pm

He was born “Granville Oral Roberts”.

He chose to go by “Oral”.

Dude had issues.

Extemporanus December 15, 2009 at 6:55 pm

[re=479089]mumblyjoe[/re]: ORALY?

rikitikitavi December 15, 2009 at 6:56 pm

“It’s not to be put in the mouth of the man, or the mouth of the man or the woman…. It is the male organ, penetrating the vagina of the woman, the male and the female.”

What a cocksucker.

iwillsavethispatient December 15, 2009 at 6:57 pm

[re=479147]Jim89048[/re]: Being 91 was the complication.

Joshua Norton December 15, 2009 at 6:58 pm

[re=479149]Extemporanus[/re]: So he could be called either “Granny” or “Oral”. Kind of a potato/patahto thing going there on the “ick” scale.

Extemporanus December 15, 2009 at 6:59 pm

[re=479126]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Is PFAP anything like PFLAG?

MMS December 15, 2009 at 6:59 pm

Oral “Oral” Roberts

thefrontpage December 15, 2009 at 7:07 pm

GREEN BALLOONS!!! GREEN BALLOONS!!!!! GREEN BALLOONS!!!!

rikitikitavi December 15, 2009 at 7:12 pm

So are supposed to believe that this guy in his whole life never had a blowjob? and never went down on his wife? so his wife probably had few if any orgasms in her life?

I know I’m stating the obvious, but seriously, how did the human race end up with an entire segment of the species that hates physical pleasure?

rikitikitavi December 15, 2009 at 7:13 pm

[re=479157]thefrontpage[/re]: Well played.

the problem child December 15, 2009 at 7:13 pm

It’s moments like this I wish there really was a hell. Oh, well. Dead will do.

Snarkalicious December 15, 2009 at 7:14 pm

I think I need a christian side hug…

I will be grabbing your ass, tho. Srsly.

Extemporanus December 15, 2009 at 7:14 pm

[re=479153]Joshua Norton[/re]: “G-Ville” would’ve been perfect for him:

“Mad props to Pops who up in G-Ville, yo! Hella dope be Thy name!”

BlueStateLibtard December 15, 2009 at 7:16 pm

Oh such sweet words of romance!

What with the Ashley Dupre, Richard Cohen and Oral Roberts’ porn lately, my libido is… just about dead. Thanks!

Servo December 15, 2009 at 7:18 pm

Something to ponder over your church supper. Cantaloupe, anyone?

shortsshortsshorts December 15, 2009 at 7:21 pm

[re=479154]Extemporanus[/re]: IF YOU ARE A PATRIOT, YOU WILL PHAP TO PHLAGS— but that is the only relation I can see.

Way Cool Larry December 15, 2009 at 7:29 pm

the man clearly knew how to party

weejee December 15, 2009 at 7:34 pm

Fundamentally Oral Bill was a far better preacher

Extemporanus December 15, 2009 at 7:37 pm

[re=479117]DangerousLiberal[/re]: I have some good news:

Your playlist and my comment from earlier today, were determined to be two of the main contributing factors leading to the untimely demise of the world’s favorite fellatio-&-fecal-averse faith healer.

Monsieur Grumpe December 15, 2009 at 7:39 pm

Good riddance. Fucking conman would be rotting in hell if there was such a thing.

kewlguy42069 December 15, 2009 at 7:49 pm

im cumming

Carrie_Okie December 15, 2009 at 8:10 pm

A lot of folks did not know his full Christian name was NO ANAL/ORAL ROBERTS.
True story. Also. How sad, when I saw the headline I thought of that joke, and Wonkette.

Fuck you Anal/Oral. I’m glad you’re dead.

SpikeyDog December 15, 2009 at 8:14 pm

Jesus to Oral “Hey Oral, I’ve been waiting for you. Come on over here and suck my dick”

Lionel Hutz Esq. December 15, 2009 at 8:16 pm

Strangely enough, his brother Anal Roberts is still in good health.

Come here a minute December 15, 2009 at 8:19 pm

This is as fucked up as the vagina thing:

He began his television career in 1954 by filming worship services conducted under a traveling tent, the largest of which held 10,000 people. He maintained that God worked in a miraculous way through his hands, and the peak of every service came when he seated himself like a prince on an elevated stage and worshipers gathered in a prayer line. One by one they paused before Mr. Roberts, spellbound, as his right hand gripped their bodies and he prayed for healing.

stew December 15, 2009 at 8:24 pm

I hear God just received Oral…anyone else make that pun yet?

Flanders December 15, 2009 at 8:32 pm

[re=479117]DangerousLiberal[/re]: We would know, if only we had a brain.

kudzu December 15, 2009 at 8:46 pm

[re=479062]hoosiermama[/re]: Now, wait a minute. I’d like to see more of that tongue-in-vagina thing before passing any judgment.

Long Form Def Certificate December 15, 2009 at 8:56 pm

[re=479098]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: Well, somebody saw (500) Days of Summer. Now, crash the funeral & play the Penis Game, there.

Autochthon December 15, 2009 at 8:59 pm

[re=479068]Terry[/re]: Oral, I hope you wind up on the floor of hell with your back broke, as is fitting after a lifetime of hypocritical bigotry, huckstering, and hate-mongering…

Lionel Hutz Esq. December 15, 2009 at 9:00 pm

DC allows the gayez to get married, and Oral Roberts dies.

Coincidence?

NiceButStupid December 15, 2009 at 9:02 pm

Dayum. 91 years and no oral. He must have been praying for death.

Long Form Def Certificate December 15, 2009 at 9:04 pm

Also: I CUMMED.

MadFlava December 15, 2009 at 9:07 pm

Tomorrow’s Headline for the Daily Christian Mail will read:
“Jesus prepares to receive Oral”

Diana Davies December 15, 2009 at 9:21 pm

I’m a girl and I love Oral and I love my vagina more than anything.

rikitikitavi December 15, 2009 at 9:25 pm

[re=479196]etrading74[/re]: Obviously, this is God, who has come here to throw random irrelevance in our giddy mocking of Oral’s death. God works in mysterious ways, like what the fuck is He trying to say?

AnSnarkist December 15, 2009 at 9:27 pm

For Oral Roberts, the poison of the body also comes out of the mouth.

BeWoot December 15, 2009 at 9:30 pm

I am so glad someone finally explained all this sex thing to me. I kept trying to stick it her nose and it just wasn’t working out for us, baby-wise.

Mr Blifil December 15, 2009 at 9:34 pm

[re=479128]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: You left out noted black sheep of the family Mandingo Roberts and his godchild, Cleveland Steamer Roberts.

bondwooley December 15, 2009 at 9:34 pm

Sorry, I meant “saw” not “say” … a couple posts above.

kapish December 15, 2009 at 9:35 pm

Put your hand on your pee pee as a “point of contact”.

glamourdammerung December 15, 2009 at 9:41 pm

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

rikitikitavi December 15, 2009 at 9:46 pm

[re=479216]bondwooley[/re]: awesome

Jim89048 December 15, 2009 at 9:49 pm

[re=479217]BeWoot[/re]: That’s the universal sign that she wants it in her ear, when she turns her head like that.

SnarkyMark December 15, 2009 at 9:49 pm

Heh heh. Wonkette said, “dickens.” Go stick that one in your eye! (to take just one orifice)

SayItWithWookies December 15, 2009 at 10:02 pm

[re=479214]rikitikitavi[/re]: It seems like Oral Roberts’ death gets more commercial every year.

PsycGirl December 15, 2009 at 10:03 pm

[re=479217]BeWoot[/re]: Sounds like Oral tried skull-fucking and didn’t like it. Seriously, I have rarely cringed so much in three minutes, which is as much as I could take.

Barrelhse December 15, 2009 at 10:16 pm

Don’t stop talking, Reverend, I’m almost done.

JGB December 15, 2009 at 10:18 pm

I heard that his brother Anal Roberts was really torn up when he got the news.

Barrelhse December 15, 2009 at 10:22 pm

[re=479238]JGB[/re]: I saw their sister, Solo, on a web-cam.

MGBYG December 15, 2009 at 10:42 pm

This little hummer of a speech was done at the Ayn Rand Institute before the ears of a young(er as if) Alan Greenspan so he would know what to do with that Ms. Mitchell crumpet, whom he so lavishly buffs his head upon her maturing groin.

This sick kinda fuck just spreads, I tell ya!

Aurelio December 15, 2009 at 10:51 pm

[re=479226]SnarkyMark[/re]: I just looked “dickens” up. It has nothing to do with Charles Dickens, and antedates him by two hundred years. It is a euphemism for “devil,” possibly a contraction of “devilkins.”

400 years ago, people were too polite or repressed (or something) even to say “What the devil?” Instead, they said, “What the dickens?”

Look how far we have come since those days. Consider our ubiquitous “fuck,” as in “What the fuck?” etc. We have become like Mexicans, who say some variant of “chingar” (to fuck) ever few words.

This is yet another sign of the decline of our culture, in case you needed another sign.

Oh, what the fuck! Who cares?

bhosp December 15, 2009 at 10:56 pm

Don’t stick your dick in the three holes in the wall either.

Rev. Peter Lemonjello December 15, 2009 at 11:14 pm

The sheer logistics of commenting and fapping while choking myself with only 2 hands have left me exhausted.

What Fresh Hell is This? December 15, 2009 at 11:17 pm

Of the three Roberts boys – Oral, Anal, and Phallic – only one lived up to his potential.

DustBowlBlues December 15, 2009 at 11:19 pm

[re=479112]chascates[/re]: I guess his fans were tapped out after the last 8 million dollars they raised so God wouldn’t “call him home.”

Favorite bumper sticker ever, from those days: “Lord: If you can’t call him home, could you at least call him to Texas?”

Darkness December 15, 2009 at 11:23 pm

[re=479127]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Jesus, those little piggy eyes, those hands. Little Dudley Dursley is all growed up!

DustBowlBlues December 15, 2009 at 11:33 pm

[re=479205]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Maybe DC and the gays killed Oral, or the OKC school district just adding rule that classes harassment of homosexual to the anti-bullying policy. Before the feds ordered it under the Matthew Shepard Act.

Redhead December 15, 2009 at 11:37 pm

So to summarize: Only one organ is responsible for creating life. It can’t be the vagina cause those icky lesbians eat out each others’ vaginas. It can’t be the penis because those icky gheys put their penises in each others’ poop chutes. And even the heteros use their penises and vaginas for icky oral sex, which is SO unchristian!

Nope, good sheeple, only one organ is responsible for creation life. It isn’t the vagina and it isn’t the penis. It’s the vagina and penis, but only when they work together, in good Christian vanilla missionary creation-only sex. Just that one organ.

depraved indifference engine December 15, 2009 at 11:39 pm

[re=479142]Jim Newell[/re]: Are you kidding!

People come and go
And forget to close the door,
And leave their stains and cigarette butts trampled on the floor,
And when they do, remember me, remember me.

Come on.

depraved indifference engine December 15, 2009 at 11:45 pm

[re=479142]Jim Newell[/re]: And if you have time, here’s some classic Eno mashup

Oral who?

Lionel Hutz Esq. December 15, 2009 at 11:53 pm

[re=479253]DustBowlBlues[/re]: So we are agreed that it is Obama’s fault.

Aurelio December 16, 2009 at 12:01 am

[re=479255]Redhead[/re]: “…good Christian vanilla missionary creation-only sex. Just that one organ.”

Sounds pretty good to me. We don’t have to do anything else. How can I get in touch with you?

bitchincamaro December 16, 2009 at 12:04 am

Goddamit! Maybe the most important post EVER! in the herstory of Wonkette and I have to pack my shit to leave Detroit tomorrow morning. Fuck this shit.

*kicks shaving kit downstairs; hits Mom*

Schmegeg December 16, 2009 at 12:16 am

That was really a great freshman seminar. You should have heard the stories about what we could not do to animals!

Jim Newell December 16, 2009 at 12:30 am

[re=479258]depraved indifference engine[/re]: Oh god that was gorgeous and heartbreaking.

Yeah this is easily my favorite of the four ’70s pop albums… it is just constant enjoyment and creativity. Another Green World is too fancy.

Joshua Norton December 16, 2009 at 12:35 am

Y’know, after thinking about how much moola this shmuck raked in over the years, I’ve decided I’ve had it with blogging. I can do better. I don’t need fellow readers, I need followers. I’m fairly imaginative and somewhat charismatic. I deserve followers. So here’s the plan. I’m going to buy some inexpensive property in San Bernardino County, and I’m going to put what I’ve learned from this blog to work. I’m going to get all of these post-natural-disaster mobile homes, and move them to San Berdoo.

You can join me there, if you’re willing to hand over all your savings (min. $10k) and promise your undying fealty. The new religion involves elements of Buddhism and Toastmasters. Also, the Brady Bunch “Hawaiian Vacation” episodes will be part of our sacred texts. Tell your family you’re going out for cigarettes.

wildturtlelove December 16, 2009 at 12:55 am

But most importantly, never stick your tongue or your penis on a metal flagpole in freezing weather.

depraved indifference engine December 16, 2009 at 1:00 am

[re=479270]Jim Newell[/re]: I dunno; each one has its strengths and weaknesses. I may be a stupid romantic, but “I’ll Come Running” makes me weep for humanity.

I was just out of high school, working as a “runner” at the Chicago Board of Trade, when I first heard “Taking Tiger Mountain”. I assumed he was talking about the crooked world of fake finance. Never quite recovered from that.

gurukalehuru December 16, 2009 at 1:14 am

[re=479196]etrading74[/re]: fuck you, troll.

Marsupialboy December 16, 2009 at 1:15 am

What a maroon! In his sexy list he completely ignores rimming, where the tongue of the male or female goes into where the waste matter comes out of the body, as poison. And despite what Mr. Roberts may have believed, I, for one, know that you can indeed make a baby from rimming, because every time I do it, I hear “Yes baby yes baby yes baby oh baby.” So there.

AKAM80TheWolf December 16, 2009 at 1:15 am

That was most unparliamentary.

shortsshortsshorts December 16, 2009 at 1:25 am

These people need lots of Opinions. They are bad.

http://www.inyoregister.com/content/blogcategory/19/27/9/9/

No really. BADNESS. BAD. SO VERY HORRIBLE. Help THEM.

shortsshortsshorts December 16, 2009 at 1:50 am

[re=479196]etrading74[/re]: Until you advertise a handjob, like Oral, I will have no part of it. Respect Oral, you awful, shit-consuming Sodomite.

DustinXP December 16, 2009 at 2:41 am

Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.

LowerdPeninsula December 16, 2009 at 2:44 am

[re=479246]Rev. Peter Lemonjello[/re]: Unless you have more than two hands, I’m not sure how that is even logistically possible, and thus can’t leave you exhausted. Now, if your helper monkey was choking you, your hooker was jaking you off, and you were typing, I could understand the exhaustion.

[re=479278]Marsupialboy[/re]: “And despite what Mr. Roberts may have believed, I, for one, know that you can indeed make a baby from rimming, because every time I do it, I hear “Yes baby yes baby yes baby oh baby.” So there.”

BWAHAHA!!!11!!!111@

Lionel Hutz Esq. December 16, 2009 at 3:18 am

[re=479283]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I thought “Nike Shox” and “Handbags” was code for handjobs. What the hell am I getting when my order arrives?

Capitol Hillbilly December 16, 2009 at 3:46 am

God made Adam and Eve, not Oral and Anal.

facehead December 16, 2009 at 4:26 am

The dickens is dead? ZOMG!

CrazyDrumGuy December 16, 2009 at 5:39 am

1. All the Siemens disappears from our Wonkette.
2. Sexysex god of sex Oral Roberts dies.

COINCEDENCE??!!?!?!!?!?!!

Bearbloke December 16, 2009 at 5:46 am

[re=479205]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Oral’s dead? Perhaps the world has just ended – just like it did the last time one of these hucksters shuffled off the mortal coil…

[re=479258]depraved indifference engine[/re]: I much prefer this one – Hey Bloggers! Rawk out with your typewriter out!!!

Bearbloke December 16, 2009 at 6:21 am

Oral Anal Roberts: “…and everybody KNOOOOOWS when the deeply repressed sexual arousal reaches a certain point, the person goes INSANE and goes on the tv and claims that GAWD wants him to raise $8 million in small bills or He’ll gut me like a catfish…”

Autochthon December 16, 2009 at 6:34 am

[re=479288]DustinXP[/re]: Mostly.

Dolmance December 16, 2009 at 6:41 am

Could we all observe one minute of derisive laughter please?

villageatrois December 16, 2009 at 7:39 am

[re=479306]Bearbloke[/re]: And yea verily, GAWD did gut him like a catfish, from the male organ unto the vagina, leaving unbesmarched his ah-noes and his cherry mouth, from which much bile hath spewed continually since the Ice Age. And they erected in his memory a palace of minimal learning, and they banished it unto Oklahoma. And he commanded unto him those who hath skill of the basketball. Amen.

x111e7thst December 16, 2009 at 7:41 am

[re=479143]DC Hates Me[/re]: Actually now you can get some of it with pictures.. http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01504/genesis_1504170c.jpg

ForTheTurnstiles December 16, 2009 at 8:13 am

Ezekiel 23:20

Katydid December 16, 2009 at 8:23 am

Wondering how the old bastard took it when he found out that God is not an anti-Semite.

ChernobylSoup v2 December 16, 2009 at 8:23 am

[re=479310]villageatrois[/re]: And they erected in his memory a palace of minimal learning, and they banished it unto Oklahoma. And he commanded unto him those who hath the skill of basketball.

Thank you. That was just marvelous.

TGY December 16, 2009 at 8:44 am

God hath gathered him unto His bosom, that being the upper ventral region of an His torso where His tits are.

AnnieGetYourFun December 16, 2009 at 9:01 am

[re=479084]Crazybroad[/re]: OMG. Thank you.

Redhead December 16, 2009 at 9:51 am

[re=479263]Aurelio[/re]: You can write to me care of Oral Roberts University. Letters only, God hates sexting, cause the gheys do it.
Cell phones, that’s another thing good Christians don’t put in their vaginas or mouths or their… their… where the evil poison waste comes out.

Sussemilch December 16, 2009 at 10:05 am

Oral Roberts roughly translates into “mouth, bright.” So… rest in peace, toothpaste.

depraved indifference engine December 16, 2009 at 10:08 am

[re=479305]Bearbloke[/re]: Indeed. That typewriter solo cannot be beat, ever, by anyone.

Flanders December 16, 2009 at 10:22 am

[re=479271]Joshua Norton[/re]: Gaaah! I am STILL traumatized by the Hawaiian Vacation episodes. Which is clearly a sign that you are my leader!
/heads out to bank to get your $10K in cash.

chaste everywhere December 16, 2009 at 10:28 am

Oral Roberts, Oral Roberts! Why doesn’t anyone ever quote his brothers Anal and Genital? At least they’re still with us (more or less).

skoal rebel December 16, 2009 at 10:36 am

thats right aint puttin no peter in my dirt hole only oral i give is dip next time any dude in a truck stop bathroom tells me to put his peter in my dirt hole ill think of oral saying this

Jim89048 December 16, 2009 at 11:38 am

[re=479281]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: For about 35 years, that was my hometown paper. And now you have broken it.

inedalo December 16, 2009 at 11:43 am

what’s wrong with me putting my sex organ into the mouth of a hetero-girl, if only i can find a cute one to do this trick?
thie dude reminds me of that Gore Vidal quote, during those halcyon days from our great Prez Clinton was gettin some of that Monica chick. responding to the moralists’ critique, Vidal said pungently- “better to have oral sex in the white house than oral roberts in the oval office”
or something like that.

few have the cojones to make speculative comments like that anymore.

and my last word on the topic- if monica lewinsky had only learned how to swallow, we wouldn’t have to take our shoes off at the airport.

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