By popular request, the latest dead person’s most lasting homage to his Heterosexual God: “The vagina. Only one organ made can bring forth life. It’s the male organ. It’s not, in lesbianism, for the tongue of a female goes into the vagina of another female. It’s not in the male, where the male organ goes into the part of the body where the… the waste matter comes out of the body as poison, and he penetrates that part of the body in homosexuality. It’s not to be put in the mouth of the man, or the mouth of the man or the woman…. It is the male organ, penetrating the vagina of the woman, the male and the female.” [NYT]

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  1. I gotta give Oral his props here. Just reading that transcription was enough to make me lose any and all interest in sex, and to make me feel incredibly unsexy, and not want to have sex. All you have to do is hear Oral and you won’t want to have sex, ever, which spreads strong morality all around everywhere, apparently. He sure knows how to do his job, even when he’s dead.

  2. Dear Penthouse Forum,

    I never thought this would happen to met, but I was reading a political blog on the internets about a dead guy who did not like people who had teh gey. He described gay sexy time and then I got a boner. The end.


  3. I never thought anyone could make sex sound like a complete turn-off until just this minute. You might know it would take a fantasy-projecting wingnut to do it.

  4. [re=479056]proudgrampa[/re]: I guess. Except the vagina doesn’t “really bring forth life.” If I had to assign that role to just one organ, I’d go with the uterus, with assistance from the ovaries.

    Of course, back in Oral’s day (you know, in the distant past when it was acceptable to name children Oral), perhaps they still thought women were impregnated by wandering spirits.

  5. “Were you an Oral Roberts supporter? No? You know the best way to display your displeasure with his theology and politics? Give me a blow job in the men’s room. That’ll show him.”

  6. I’m actually very confused. If buttsecks and the oral are immoral, then how are the Virtuous Christian Ladies supposed to properly practise Honorable Christian Abstinence, which consists of nothing other than those two things?

  7. [re=479083]snideinplainsight[/re]: Dana Perineum? I think the word you’re looking for is taint.

    Ol’ Oral’s demise, strangely, followed by just days my setting up an MC 900 Ft Jesus playlist on Rhapsody. Coincidence? Anyway, when he gets to where he’s going, I wonder if he will see our saviour, as tall as an eighty story building.

  8. Oh come on now, guys. I feel a little sad about his death.

    Oops. My bad. It was just a bit of gas.

    Goodbye, good riddance, which way to his grave?

  9. And yea verily, The Regional Manager of the Lord came to him in a vision, saying, “Though The Lord is best pleased with your technical descriptions of sexual acts, your Third Quarter fundraising numbers are in the tank. Thou had best get thy shit together, pronto.” But the numbers did not rebound in Q4, and The Lord smote him.

  10. Oral Roberts, will be sadly missed by his wife, Mrs Anal Roberts, his sons, Doggy-style Roberts and Reverse-Cowgirl Roberts, and his daughter, Gertrude.

  11. [re=479084]Crazybroad[/re]: You know they’ve been sitting on that one for years, anxiously awaiting the day, and keeping on eye on the odds on celebrity death pools.

  12. “Evangelist Oral Roberts dead at 91 of pneumonia complications “
    Shouldn’t that read “Evangelist Oral Roberts dead of complications of being 91 fucking years old”?

  13. “It’s not to be put in the mouth of the man, or the mouth of the man or the woman…. It is the male organ, penetrating the vagina of the woman, the male and the female.”

    What a cocksucker.

  14. [re=479149]Extemporanus[/re]: So he could be called either “Granny” or “Oral”. Kind of a potato/patahto thing going there on the “ick” scale.

  15. So are supposed to believe that this guy in his whole life never had a blowjob? and never went down on his wife? so his wife probably had few if any orgasms in her life?

    I know I’m stating the obvious, but seriously, how did the human race end up with an entire segment of the species that hates physical pleasure?

  16. [re=479153]Joshua Norton[/re]: “G-Ville” would’ve been perfect for him:

    “Mad props to Pops who up in G-Ville, yo! Hella dope be Thy name!”

  17. Oh such sweet words of romance!

    What with the Ashley Dupre, Richard Cohen and Oral Roberts’ porn lately, my libido is… just about dead. Thanks!

  18. [re=479117]DangerousLiberal[/re]: I have some good news:

    Your playlist and my comment from earlier today, were determined to be two of the main contributing factors leading to the untimely demise of the world’s favorite fellatio-&-fecal-averse faith healer.

  19. A lot of folks did not know his full Christian name was NO ANAL/ORAL ROBERTS.
    True story. Also. How sad, when I saw the headline I thought of that joke, and Wonkette.

    Fuck you Anal/Oral. I’m glad you’re dead.

  20. This is as fucked up as the vagina thing:

    He began his television career in 1954 by filming worship services conducted under a traveling tent, the largest of which held 10,000 people. He maintained that God worked in a miraculous way through his hands, and the peak of every service came when he seated himself like a prince on an elevated stage and worshipers gathered in a prayer line. One by one they paused before Mr. Roberts, spellbound, as his right hand gripped their bodies and he prayed for healing.

  21. [re=479068]Terry[/re]: Oral, I hope you wind up on the floor of hell with your back broke, as is fitting after a lifetime of hypocritical bigotry, huckstering, and hate-mongering…

  22. [re=479196]etrading74[/re]: Obviously, this is God, who has come here to throw random irrelevance in our giddy mocking of Oral’s death. God works in mysterious ways, like what the fuck is He trying to say?

  23. I am so glad someone finally explained all this sex thing to me. I kept trying to stick it her nose and it just wasn’t working out for us, baby-wise.

  24. [re=479217]BeWoot[/re]: Sounds like Oral tried skull-fucking and didn’t like it. Seriously, I have rarely cringed so much in three minutes, which is as much as I could take.

  25. This little hummer of a speech was done at the Ayn Rand Institute before the ears of a young(er as if) Alan Greenspan so he would know what to do with that Ms. Mitchell crumpet, whom he so lavishly buffs his head upon her maturing groin.

    This sick kinda fuck just spreads, I tell ya!

  26. [re=479226]SnarkyMark[/re]: I just looked “dickens” up. It has nothing to do with Charles Dickens, and antedates him by two hundred years. It is a euphemism for “devil,” possibly a contraction of “devilkins.”

    400 years ago, people were too polite or repressed (or something) even to say “What the devil?” Instead, they said, “What the dickens?”

    Look how far we have come since those days. Consider our ubiquitous “fuck,” as in “What the fuck?” etc. We have become like Mexicans, who say some variant of “chingar” (to fuck) ever few words.

    This is yet another sign of the decline of our culture, in case you needed another sign.

    Oh, what the fuck! Who cares?

  27. [re=479112]chascates[/re]: I guess his fans were tapped out after the last 8 million dollars they raised so God wouldn’t “call him home.”

    Favorite bumper sticker ever, from those days: “Lord: If you can’t call him home, could you at least call him to Texas?”

  28. [re=479205]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Maybe DC and the gays killed Oral, or the OKC school district just adding rule that classes harassment of homosexual to the anti-bullying policy. Before the feds ordered it under the Matthew Shepard Act.

  29. So to summarize: Only one organ is responsible for creating life. It can’t be the vagina cause those icky lesbians eat out each others’ vaginas. It can’t be the penis because those icky gheys put their penises in each others’ poop chutes. And even the heteros use their penises and vaginas for icky oral sex, which is SO unchristian!

    Nope, good sheeple, only one organ is responsible for creation life. It isn’t the vagina and it isn’t the penis. It’s the vagina and penis, but only when they work together, in good Christian vanilla missionary creation-only sex. Just that one organ.

  30. [re=479142]Jim Newell[/re]: Are you kidding!

    People come and go
    And forget to close the door,
    And leave their stains and cigarette butts trampled on the floor,
    And when they do, remember me, remember me.

    Come on.

  31. [re=479255]Redhead[/re]: “…good Christian vanilla missionary creation-only sex. Just that one organ.”

    Sounds pretty good to me. We don’t have to do anything else. How can I get in touch with you?

  32. Goddamit! Maybe the most important post EVER! in the herstory of Wonkette and I have to pack my shit to leave Detroit tomorrow morning. Fuck this shit.

    *kicks shaving kit downstairs; hits Mom*

  33. [re=479258]depraved indifference engine[/re]: Oh god that was gorgeous and heartbreaking.

    Yeah this is easily my favorite of the four ’70s pop albums… it is just constant enjoyment and creativity. Another Green World is too fancy.

  34. Y’know, after thinking about how much moola this shmuck raked in over the years, I’ve decided I’ve had it with blogging. I can do better. I don’t need fellow readers, I need followers. I’m fairly imaginative and somewhat charismatic. I deserve followers. So here’s the plan. I’m going to buy some inexpensive property in San Bernardino County, and I’m going to put what I’ve learned from this blog to work. I’m going to get all of these post-natural-disaster mobile homes, and move them to San Berdoo.

    You can join me there, if you’re willing to hand over all your savings (min. $10k) and promise your undying fealty. The new religion involves elements of Buddhism and Toastmasters. Also, the Brady Bunch “Hawaiian Vacation” episodes will be part of our sacred texts. Tell your family you’re going out for cigarettes.

  35. [re=479270]Jim Newell[/re]: I dunno; each one has its strengths and weaknesses. I may be a stupid romantic, but “I’ll Come Running” makes me weep for humanity.

    I was just out of high school, working as a “runner” at the Chicago Board of Trade, when I first heard “Taking Tiger Mountain”. I assumed he was talking about the crooked world of fake finance. Never quite recovered from that.

  36. What a maroon! In his sexy list he completely ignores rimming, where the tongue of the male or female goes into where the waste matter comes out of the body, as poison. And despite what Mr. Roberts may have believed, I, for one, know that you can indeed make a baby from rimming, because every time I do it, I hear “Yes baby yes baby yes baby oh baby.” So there.

  37. [re=479196]etrading74[/re]: Until you advertise a handjob, like Oral, I will have no part of it. Respect Oral, you awful, shit-consuming Sodomite.

  38. [re=479246]Rev. Peter Lemonjello[/re]: Unless you have more than two hands, I’m not sure how that is even logistically possible, and thus can’t leave you exhausted. Now, if your helper monkey was choking you, your hooker was jaking you off, and you were typing, I could understand the exhaustion.

    [re=479278]Marsupialboy[/re]: “And despite what Mr. Roberts may have believed, I, for one, know that you can indeed make a baby from rimming, because every time I do it, I hear “Yes baby yes baby yes baby oh baby.” So there.”


  39. [re=479283]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I thought “Nike Shox” and “Handbags” was code for handjobs. What the hell am I getting when my order arrives?

  40. Oral Anal Roberts: “…and everybody KNOOOOOWS when the deeply repressed sexual arousal reaches a certain point, the person goes INSANE and goes on the tv and claims that GAWD wants him to raise $8 million in small bills or He’ll gut me like a catfish…”

  41. [re=479306]Bearbloke[/re]: And yea verily, GAWD did gut him like a catfish, from the male organ unto the vagina, leaving unbesmarched his ah-noes and his cherry mouth, from which much bile hath spewed continually since the Ice Age. And they erected in his memory a palace of minimal learning, and they banished it unto Oklahoma. And he commanded unto him those who hath skill of the basketball. Amen.

  42. [re=479310]villageatrois[/re]: And they erected in his memory a palace of minimal learning, and they banished it unto Oklahoma. And he commanded unto him those who hath the skill of basketball.

    Thank you. That was just marvelous.

  43. [re=479263]Aurelio[/re]: You can write to me care of Oral Roberts University. Letters only, God hates sexting, cause the gheys do it.
    Cell phones, that’s another thing good Christians don’t put in their vaginas or mouths or their… their… where the evil poison waste comes out.

  44. [re=479271]Joshua Norton[/re]: Gaaah! I am STILL traumatized by the Hawaiian Vacation episodes. Which is clearly a sign that you are my leader!
    /heads out to bank to get your $10K in cash.

  45. thats right aint puttin no peter in my dirt hole only oral i give is dip next time any dude in a truck stop bathroom tells me to put his peter in my dirt hole ill think of oral saying this

  46. what’s wrong with me putting my sex organ into the mouth of a hetero-girl, if only i can find a cute one to do this trick?
    thie dude reminds me of that Gore Vidal quote, during those halcyon days from our great Prez Clinton was gettin some of that Monica chick. responding to the moralists’ critique, Vidal said pungently- “better to have oral sex in the white house than oral roberts in the oval office”
    or something like that.

    few have the cojones to make speculative comments like that anymore.

    and my last word on the topic- if monica lewinsky had only learned how to swallow, we wouldn’t have to take our shoes off at the airport.

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