About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

93 comments

  1. Chad San Marino

    A woman who wants to get laid pretty much has her pick. A man who wants to get laid pretty much has to take what he can get unless he’s Tom Brady or Denzel Washington. Plus, classier women take more effort and Tiger’s a busy guy. How is he supposed to spend time romancing heiresses and maintain his game? Banging skanks in the men’s room is all he has time for.

  2. TubeCity

    I can think of several young female celebrities who may have had a dozen or more sexual partners in the past three years. Such celebrity women-of-action outnumber Tiger. That proves it’s men who want to cuddle with babies and rainbows.

  3. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Too bad Richard doesn’t know how to look up actual research or talk to women himself. It’s just so much cozier to make stuff up, and he gets paid either way, right?

  4. Mustang

    Richard has concluded from the fact that no woman will respond to his sexual advances that women do not enjoy sex. You can’t blame the disgusting little pinhead. He just knows what he sees.

  5. Redhead

    “The other possibility that strikes me is that women seem not to have the evolutionary urge to couple with cheaply dressed strangers.”

    Well, he’s right about that one, you know. We womenz tend to have the evolutionary urge to couple with NICELY, stylishly dressed strangers, not bums. (The ones who look like they actually have the means to buy us a drink or two – that always helps.)

    Oh and Cohen – “Why have no ladies ever had sex with 11 people?” Answer: well, they have, if you ask the right age group. It’s just that most of us move past that point (if we aren’t married before graduating from college). Go to your local high school and ask around, and there you’ll probably find a number of women who have slept with (only) 11 people.

  6. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Everywhere I went over the long and much-partied recent weekend

    I call bullshit. Nobody in their right mind would invite Rich to a party.

  7. Looy

    1) “The male equivalents of the sort of women who have courageously come foreword to claim their reward money for entertaining Tiger are evolutionary bad material. … They are what Darwin called dreck, which is Yiddish for cocktail waitress.”

    Kind of a broad brush to paint cocktail waitresses with. I would not want to be with him when he orders his next drink.

    2) “Since recreational sex can lead to diapers, women (AND SENATORS!!!) have to be prudent.”

    Hee hee, he said recreational sex and diapers.

  8. bitchincamaro

    Clearly, Dick does not follow the sex lives of lesbian athletes. They’re getting more of each other’s pussies than Heinz has varieties. I saw this in my mind, so it is true. Can I have column now?

  9. JMP

    Yeah, Dick, feminism succeeded decades ago and sexism has been totally dead since then. If the ladies aren’t equal it’s just because they’re obsessed with the babies and the makeup and other girlie things.

    And as for your assertion that women don’t have multiple affairs, I have one ex-girlfriend of sorts who proved that wrong. She hated babies, too.

  10. WarAndG

    “It’s coming from the women and the men.
    O baby, we’ll be making love again.
    We’ll be going down so deep
    the river’s going to weep,
    and the mountain’s going to shout Amen!
    It’s coming like the tidal flood
    beneath the lunar sway,
    imperial, mysterious,
    in amorous array:
    Democracy is coming to the U.S.A.”

    -Richard Cohen

    What?

    That was Leonard Cohen?

    Fuck.

    Loved Fargo, hated “Read before Burning”

    What?

    Coen Brothers? Then who the hell is Richard Cohen?

  11. geminisunmars

    I don’t know how old Richard is, but he joined the Post in ’68 after graduating from Columbia so he’s probably in his 60s. Somehow he missed the “Sexual Revolution”, both in participating and just in being aware what was going on around him.

  12. Redhead

    [re=478495]JMP[/re]: Yeah, I have more female friends who have had extramarital affairs than male friends. (Of the married ones – cheating in serious but not married relationships, they’re probably equal.)

  13. JMP

    [re=478476]Not_So_Much[/re]: Nah, I think Lieberman’s older. Pope Ratzi’s also older and supposed to be a virgin, but then there’s those altar boys…

  14. Berkeley Bear

    When your name is Dick, you really shouldn’t talk about others sex lives.

    Let’s see – why don’t powerful women nail anything that walks?

    1. They do, you just don’t know it (Elizabeth I, Catherine the Great, Eleanor of Acquitaine, etc. – probably Maggie Thatcher, too)

    2. If they don’t, its because Dick’s like Cohen will turn their normal, healthy appetites into moral failings of the grandest degree.

  15. JooJoo Bee

    [re=478489]Looy[/re]: I would not want to be him when he DRINKS his next drink. Which I hope will be, like, Amaretto, so he won’t detect the cyanide right off.

  16. Lee

    Wouldn’t a female Tiger Woods be a hermaphodite? Maybe that would explain why there aren’t any.

    I would like to see Richard “Skinner” Cohen and David “Sigmund” Brooks debate Tiger with Dr. Drew Pinsky as moderator.

  17. JMP

    [re=478489]Looy[/re]: All this talk of cocktail waitresses has gotten “Don’t You Want Me Baby” stuck in my head. Of course, the answer to Richard Cohen from any self-respecting woman working as a waitress in a cocktail bar would be “No”.

  18. Come here a minute

    http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/12/weekinreview/12kolata.html

    “Surveys and studies to the contrary notwithstanding, the conclusion that men have substantially more sex partners than women is not and cannot be true for purely logical reasons,” Dr. Gale said.

    “By way of dramatization, we change the context slightly and will prove what will be called the High School Prom Theorem. We suppose that on the day after the prom, each girl is asked to give the number of boys she danced with. These numbers are then added up giving a number G. The same information is then obtained from the boys, giving a number B.

    Theorem: G=B

    Proof: Both G and B are equal to C, the number of couples who danced together at the prom. Q.E.D.”

  19. magic titty

    Wow. This is quite the rancid column, even by the Cohen Standard. That standard being ‘spellchecked and filed on time’.

  20. nbawriter

    Richard Cohen is still trying to decipher that hockey mom/pitbull mystery question like it’s the DaVinci Code times infinity.

  21. TGY

    Would it hurt Richard Cohen to do a little research now and then? I suppose it might, since he’s a columnist.

  22. Snarkalicious

    [re=478498]WarAndG[/re]: Richard Cohen? I have no idea. But I get the distinct impression that, if there is any justice in the universe, he’s the ex-night manager of your local Hot n Now.

  23. JMP

    [re=478500]Redhead[/re]: Yeah; while most of my friends my age are not married, the cheating levels seem to be pretty much equal.

    [re=478511]Come here a minute[/re]: Well, maybe most of those men are bi; or seeing prostitutes, who wouldn’t count according to someone like Cohen.

    Or, maybe the numbers don’t add up because people don’t always tell the truth, and sleeping around makes a guy cooler but gets women labeled a slut.

  24. Vermonster

    What a douche. Nuff said.

    Flanders, Tidal Basin refers to a congressman from the 70s who wound up drunk in the pool on the mall(?) with a stripper. Given, he was a dem.

  25. Katydid

    years after women were liberated

    Cohen’s right on this one. My mother was THERE, when women were liberated. It was in the harsh winter of ’63, on the Upper West Side of NYC, when she was with the first liberators who entered the co-ops. She said the suffering she saw was unimaginable.

    Later, she was among those who forced the men of the surrounding villages, who claimed they knew nothing of the atrocities that had been committed, in their name, to tour the facilities.

    All left in tears, with promises not to continue their terrible ways.

    ::sniff::

    My mother still can’t speak of that horrible experience without tearing up. This is history, guys. This happened.

  26. bitchincamaro

    [re=478508]Come here a minute[/re]: Obviously, Cohen read this article. “Prom dancing” = sex, in Dick’s brain.

  27. taylormattd

    Didn’t this douchebag bang Peter Jenning’s wife or something? Somebody is making excuses for being and Adulterer.

  28. JMP

    [re=478539]chascates[/re]: Hmm; an old woman who calls herself liberal but actually supports conservative issues, who regularly acts like a concern troll, is sexist, loves war, and likes to whine about how horrible these kids today are. Sounds like Camille Paglia.

  29. earnestcivilservant

    Curse you, wonkette, for prompting me to actually read that drivel. I like his very first theory: women are just smarter, ie., they don’t get caught. Duh.

  30. finallyhappy

    How about no more Dick Cohen, David Brooks or Princess Sarah- at least until the elections heat up-then we can enjoy the stupidity of all three.

  31. Mild Midwesterner

    “The other possibility that strikes me is that women seem not to have the evolutionary urge to couple with cheaply dressed strangers.”

    I take it that Cohen doesn’t go out on H Street.

  32. WadISay

    My takeaway from all this is that the threshhold for misuse/inappropriate use of Wonkette computer hardware is pretty damn high.

  33. chaste everywhere

    “This is why women more than men link sex to love and commitment.” Well, he had to go and be right about something. I’m a man (“yes I am, and I can’t help but love you so”) and I never link sex to love and commitment; I link sex to porn; I mean to porn links; I mean, I like links that link sex to porn. Oh, never mind.

    [re=478551]JMP[/re]: Richard Cohen + penis = Camille Paglia.

  34. El Pinche

    Lay off the gnome, guys. These women were complete strangers to the cock before Tiger beast-fucked them. In fact most of them were not Siemen dumpsters.

  35. BaconTime

    Richard Cohen’s Imagination: that scene on “A Beautiful Mind” when he’s dictating to some girl the likelihood that they’ll make sexytime based on MATH and SCIENCE.

    Reality: Vaguely perverted older guy wandering the WaPo office that is always seen explaining his sex theories to the interns, causing much awkwardness.

  36. UnattendedConsequence

    Just read it. Holy shit. Is he attempting snark? Given that the thing is absolutely content-free, the fact that many of the commenters seem to take it seriously is disturbing in itself. Can’t get my snark up because of reading too many Revoltin’ Joe quotes this morning. Bah.

  37. yargisbargis

    Thanks be god ye men have given up your saber-toothed tiger hunting ways and are only social menaces.

    “Their (men’s) urge to have sex with just about any woman with a pulse makes them crude laughing stocks.

    guess my marriage is fucked, then.

  38. gurukalehuru

    Lenny Bruce: Guys, how many of you have ever had your blah blahed?
    (loud chorus of whoops and hollers)
    LB: O.K., how many of you ladies have ever blahed a blah?
    (silence)
    LB: Somebody’s not telling the truuuuuth…

  39. Gallowglass

    [re=478539]chascates[/re]: I prefer to imagine there’s no male Richard Cohen, either. No naughty bits at all under his slacks. Just wrinkles and liver spots and a heart that yearns to understand mankind and comment on its sexytime habits.

  40. x111e7thst

    Perhaps next dickless cohen can use L Lohan’s case to explain for us why women are bisexual but men never are. Or maybe he can just relapse into a persistent vegetative state.

  41. Accordion-o-rama

    [re=478511]Come here a minute[/re]: Dr. Gale’s logic implies equal coupling rates only by assuming equal numbers of men and women, which is not generally the case. In most countries there are more women than men. Thus while to total # of hetero couplings is the same for men and women, the men’s coupling rate is slightly higher (about 1% in the US).

  42. blogslut

    “The other possibility that strikes me is that women seem not to have the evolutionary urge to couple with cheaply dressed strangers.”

    Really, Mr. Cohen? Then please explain how bartender/musician/artist/waiters keep themselves in ironic t-shirts?

  43. Zadig

    [re=478511]Come here a minute[/re]: The only two conclusions possible are that everyone is a fucking liar, or all the guys are fucking each other.

    While the latter is probably happening, the former is a demonstrated fact. Present someone with a survey clipboard, and they lie. Did you know that over 50% of our population is the CEO of his/her own company and makes at least a million a year?

  44. Zadig

    [re=478675]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: Except as they point out in the article, men are reporting a coupling rate something like 75% more than women, which probably means both the guy and the girl are filthy fucking liars.

  45. Accordion-o-rama

    [re=478723]Zadig[/re]: Agreed. Cohen must live in a world where the girl to boy ratio is like 12 to 1. That being the case, I can see why he refuses the join the one the rest of us live in.

  46. populucious

    So…Tiger Woods was f*cking himself? (Literally, rather than the obvious metaphorical f*cking he was in fact doing to himself) Cuz based on this incisive Column, it’s not clear to me with whom Mr Woods could find to “knock boots” as all women on earth are busy having babies and building communities and wondering why their heads hurt from that repeated banging against the Glass Ceiling.

  47. PsycGirl

    [re=478486]Redhead[/re]: Oh and Cohen – “Why have no ladies ever had sex with 11 people?” Answer: well, they have, if you ask the right age group.
    Those of us who were of age in the 70′s and early 80′s were getting busy right and left. Maybe Cohen, to paraphrase “Field of Dreams” had three sets of 50′s before entering the 80s.

  48. Redhead

    [re=478765]PsycGirl[/re]: “Those of us who were of age in the 70’s and early 80’s were getting busy right and left.”
    I love how you say this like it’s a trend today’s youth haven’t continued…

  49. Toomush Infermashun

    [re=478494]snideinplainsight[/re]: So,you’re saying Dick is his own beard….? Makes sense to me, but I’m not sure he can fuck himself…

  50. Toomush Infermashun

    [re=478494]snideinplainsight[/re]: So. you’re saying Dick is his own beard…? Makes sense, although I’m not sure he can get it up to fuck himself…

  51. Extemporanus

    Jim & Juli, thanks for sharing your intimate sexting session!

    It has inspired me to crash my cock into a country club cocktail waitress while listening to Leonard Cohen.

  52. JMP

    [re=478765]PsycGirl[/re]: Well these days, he seems to think it’s perfectly OK to sexually harass numerous young Post staffers, so he’s still living in the 50s.

  53. dr.giraud

    Cohen was married for 20 years. To Paula Zahn. I can’t imagine why she filed for divorce, he is so smart and handsome.

  54. lawrenceofthedesert

    It’s a perfect topic for Dickie, requiring absolutely no reporting — which would be a waste of time, given his lack of writing talent or insight.

  55. sagaderisa

    …because he hasn’t had that operation?
    Seriously, I mean I know Tiger Woods is a hot topic for boring annoying people who like to harp, but news flash, he’s not the first public figure to have an affair. Why are we treating him as such? I mean literally, after the title, “Why are there no female Tiger Woods?” the first sentence is, “Why are there no female sex scandals?”
    And while I won’t dispute his “guess” that women are smarter than men, what’s up with his whole, “women have a stronger need to mother” and “since sex can lead to diapers, women need to be more prudent.” I’ll put aside the obvious: that women have a stronger need to mother than men because, you know, sex changes are such a bitch and even then I don’t think male-to-female transsexuals get a uterus. But apparently Richard Cohen has never heard of birth control, or women post-1950.
    How about, “women who are smart enough to be powerful aren’t dumb enough to sleep with stupid, glory-seeking men?” Plus what type of man is going to brag that he boned Nancy Pelosi? I mean Bill Clinton didn’t even bone Hilary (at least as much as he apparently needed to), and he’s her husband.

  56. Megapteronica

    I am a stranger who dresses cheaply, even by midwestern standards, and I get coupled with by evolving women all the time.

  57. betterDeadThanRed

    [re=478534]Vermonster[/re]: Actually, he was a Dixiecrat, Wilbur D. Mills (D-Ark.), which I don’t believe really counts.

    Ironically the stripper who worked under the name Fannie Foxe, was billed as the “Argentine Firecracker.” (Those who do not study the past are destine to relive it without appreciating the futile irony of their actions).

  58. Mad Brahms

    Has he hit rock bottom yet? Has there ever been a worse column authored by this man, or *anyone*? This is just a giant F-.

  59. LowerdPeninsula

    [re=478998]sagaderisa[/re]: It’s really only an issue, because the guy is married and still hoing around as if he wasn’t. That, and the media has been able to rack up a dozen confirmed bangings. The degree (number) does matter. You know, I’m not much interested in the story, anymore, but I do get annoyed with the folks that chalk this up as unremarkable. An uber-famous married man with children racking up a dozen (at least) unprotected schlepings and being stupid enough to personally leave voicemails on whores’ phones is worthy of note and is remarkable even as sex scandals go. Let’s not pretend that it isn’t.

Comments are closed.