WHOOPS  5:07 pm December 14, 2009

22 Million Missing Bush Emails Found, Probably In Alberto Gonzales’ Pants

by Ken Layne

'This is an artifact and that was a relic. This is alive in the now, whereas that merely *remained* .....'Hooray, some “White House contractors” have located 22 million emails missing from the Bush Administration’s eight-year crime spree. Some do-gooder group or another sued the White House for access to these obviously incriminating records of daily operations under Bush/Cheney, and whaddya know, 22 million emails were suddenly found, probably on a thumb drive in Alberto Gonzales’ anus, just like in that William Gibson story. Once cleansed by technicians at the National Archives, all references to plotting and perpetuating 9/11, Iraq, Katrina and the assassination of Dumbledore will be removed.

The missing Bush Administration emails, do you remember what a big deal this was, during the later years of the Bush Administration? There was, we think, some kind of controversy involving a private GOP company “handling” the Bush-Cheney crime correspondence, so it wasn’t even routed through the White House mail servers, or something. It was a serious issue!

Oh yeah and GOP IT guru Mike Connell, who was blamed/credited for being behind a Secret Rove Email Scam, he was killed in a suspicious small plane crash last December … a few months after beiing threatened, by … Karl Rove! Life is weird! (Death, too.) The Bush Administration was more fun than watching Godfather II drunk, wasn’t it? [AP]

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Mr. Tusks December 14, 2009 at 5:11 pm


SmutBoffin December 14, 2009 at 5:12 pm

HaHa, Johnny Mnemonic. Great short story, lousy movie.

mookworthjwilson December 14, 2009 at 5:12 pm

I saw Mike Connell the other day having lunch with Vince Foster…

Hedley Lamar December 14, 2009 at 5:16 pm

I’m sure these will clear up any misunderstandings about that whole constitution and war crimes thingy.

Way Cool Larry December 14, 2009 at 5:16 pm

what’s really important is that we look forward– to the war crimes that the Obama administration will commit, so we will know not to prosecute those either

Gopherit December 14, 2009 at 5:17 pm

I bet half of the emails are from nigerian businessmen. The other half are about erectile dysfunction.

chascates December 14, 2009 at 5:18 pm

Finally, we’ll know who read more books: Bush or Rove.

DangerousLiberal December 14, 2009 at 5:18 pm

“Eight year crime spree.” Yet another reason to love our Wonkette. Oh, you meant it literally? OK, that’s cool too.

Toomush Infermashun December 14, 2009 at 5:20 pm

“It seems like they just didn’t want the e-mails preserved.” Can anybody top this…..?

SayItWithWookies December 14, 2009 at 5:22 pm

The two groups say the 22 million White House e-mails were previously mislabeled and effectively lost.

Yeah, they were put in a folder on the WH email server named “Lost Emails.” And I’m betting they were discovered (so to speak) around January 25th.

Joshua Norton December 14, 2009 at 5:24 pm

Don’t they get that little message that says “Are you sure you want to delete 22 million emails?”. I always do.

I can’t imagine any member of BushCo being too tech savvy, so I’d be surprised if they couldn’t retrieve the missing docs. The secretary probably used white-out on the monitor to correct spelling errors. Also.

Suds McKenzie December 14, 2009 at 5:24 pm

[re=477993]chascates[/re]: And who canceled Arrested Development.


Aflac Shrugged December 14, 2009 at 5:24 pm

The clouds above Washington, D.C., were the color of television, tuned to Fox News.

charlesdegoal December 14, 2009 at 5:27 pm

You may enjoy being drunk but as James Madison would have it, the sober people of America are weary. They want to know what did transpire during the Bush/Cheney years. Let those 22 million emails be posted on the Internet, so everyone can see for themselves.

AggieDemocrat December 14, 2009 at 5:27 pm

I think any e-mail from Bush & Co. went directly to Uncle Sam’s spam folder.

Extemporanus December 14, 2009 at 5:33 pm

Are they certain that the 22 million emails found in Alberto Gonzales’ anus were on a thumb drive and not, in fact, paper printouts?

edgydrifter December 14, 2009 at 5:33 pm

“Sloan said the latest count [22 MILLION!] of misplaced e-mails ‘gives us confirmation that the Bush administration lied when they said no e-mails were missing.’”

Understatement, thy name is Melanie Sloan.

FlownOver December 14, 2009 at 5:39 pm

No. Understatement, thy name is Meredith Fuchs.

“Meredith Fuchs, general counsel to the National Security Archive, said ‘many poor choices were made during the Bush administration…’”

Barrelhse December 14, 2009 at 5:40 pm

Will the Merkel Massage stories be purged, too?

snideinplainsight December 14, 2009 at 5:43 pm

[re=478007]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: Obscure SF FTW!

FlownOver December 14, 2009 at 5:43 pm

To further confuse things, is Melanie Sloan by any chance Mrs. Hugh Sloan, as played in the movie by Meredith (heh heh) Baxter?

rocktonsammy December 14, 2009 at 5:46 pm

I hope Fox News covers this with it “Fair and Balanced” reporting where you decide.

OrangeAlert December 14, 2009 at 5:54 pm

My favorite part?


“Alberto Gonzales, previously Bush’s White House counsel and then Attorney General, did not use email.”

I guess Gmail is too “quaint” for Speedy.

comicbookguy December 14, 2009 at 6:04 pm

Fredo doesn’t specifically remember shoving 22 million emails up his ass, but he can’t rule it out.

Gopherit December 14, 2009 at 6:11 pm

[re=478042]OrangeAlert[/re]: no, just a true lawyer. Don’t leave a trail that isn’t covered under executive privilege.

Lionel Hutz Esq. December 14, 2009 at 6:14 pm

Scarily, 21 million of those emails relate to arranging Dick Cheney’s “feedings.”

d23 December 14, 2009 at 6:35 pm

“Alberto Gonzales, previously Bush’s White House counsel and then Attorney General, did not use email.”

Not too quaint, just too stupid.

I’m sure Alberto Gonzalez was a boss that thought he knew everything but could actually do nothing but take the credit when something went right.

slappypaddy December 14, 2009 at 6:37 pm

“The Bush Administration was more fun than watching Godfather II drunk, wasn’t it?”

godfather ii drunk is what it was. but you knew that.

coolcatdaddy December 14, 2009 at 6:37 pm

[re=477992]Gopherit[/re]: I bet half of the emails are from nigerian businessmen with replies from George W. The other half are about erectile dysfunction and replies from Karl Rove.

gurukalehuru December 14, 2009 at 6:38 pm

That’s 7,534 e-mails per day. Pretty impressive, while you’re gramming the one eyed snake.

mumblyjoe December 14, 2009 at 7:02 pm

[re=478037]rocktonsammy[/re]: When they do, I’m pretty sure we expect them to get the number of emails wrong by a factor of 10.

AnnieGetYourFun December 14, 2009 at 7:22 pm

The Bush Administration was more fun than watching The Godfather II drunk while being anally probed with a pitchfork, but just barely.

FlipOffResearch December 14, 2009 at 7:47 pm

I bet Cheney’s auto-defibrillator kicked on when he heard the news.

El Pinche December 14, 2009 at 7:48 pm

Yes, and if they find incriminating and nasty things, nothing will come out of it. Barry will forgive and forget as always.

Darkness December 14, 2009 at 8:10 pm

[re=478139]El Pinche[/re]: I still have fantasies of him someday saying: “Well, if you really insist I prosecute, it’s such a distraction from the nation’s business, but the clamor has grown too loud to ignore . . .” and then he brings the hammer down.

Yeah, I have an active imagination.

auburnwine December 14, 2009 at 8:19 pm

Damn, and I was going to spend Christmas vacation reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Curse you, Freedom of Information Act!

Neilist December 14, 2009 at 8:20 pm

[re=477982]SmutBoffin[/re]: Great short story, TERRIBLE movie, you mean.

On a slightly more important subject: We need a list of the search terms to reduce these 22 million (slightly shit-encrusted) emails to a useable database for the War Crimes prosecutors at The Hague.

I’ll start:

1. Lie.
2. Lying.
3. Liars.
4. Torture.
5. Waterboarding.
6. ‘Fredo w/1 Leather.
7. Rendition.
8. Black sites.
9. Condi w/2 Black Cherry w/1 Tight.
10. Cheney w/2 of fetus w/1 feeding.

Dean Booth December 14, 2009 at 8:52 pm

[re=478004]Joshua Norton[/re]: The message they got was “Press W if you don’t want to delete 22 million emails.” And after the Clinton keyboard hijinks, what could they to do?

El Pinche December 14, 2009 at 8:54 pm

[re=478146]Darkness[/re]: you dreamer, you!

DustBowlBlues December 14, 2009 at 8:59 pm

[re=478092]d23[/re]: “but take the credit when something went right.”

Which is why Fredo was silent.

Darkness December 14, 2009 at 9:31 pm

[re=478095]gurukalehuru[/re]: hm, according to a book by Bradley Patterson published in 2001: How large is that staff? Much larger than the seventy-five people who work in the West Wing, or the ninety-six who staff the Executive Residence. In fact, there are one hundred twenty-five separately identifiable offices in the total White House staff community (above and beyond the Executive Office)—employing nearly 5,700 men and women.

That’s almost NO emails per day.

hotdog December 14, 2009 at 9:49 pm

They can find 22 million Bush emails, but they STILL can’t find a mere 18.5 minutes of Nixon’s tapes?

Scooter December 14, 2009 at 9:54 pm

My recommendation is 22 million FWDs to The Hague.

Mr Blifil December 14, 2009 at 11:01 pm

[re=478176]hotdog[/re]: That’s the beauty of analog versus digital.

lawrenceofthedesert December 14, 2009 at 11:40 pm

The missing Bush emails indeed lacked the elan of the Nixon tape gap; analog has had its moments. Digital has better fidelity, but “fidelity” is not a word applicable to anything that Nixon or Bush did.

LowerdPeninsula December 15, 2009 at 2:07 am

[re=477983]mookworthjwilson[/re]: I saw him having lunch with Elvis and Tupac. Oh, and I say Goody Stevens dancing with the devil under the pale moonlight. Also.

Valvalval December 15, 2009 at 2:11 am

Mike Connell was due to spill everything about the Republican e-voting fraud that his company helped pull off in ’00 and ’04. They killed him on the eve of the ’08 election so folks wouldn’t notice so much…

S.Luggo December 15, 2009 at 2:21 am

[re=477999]Toomush Infermashun[/re]: Well, shit. How did that happen? “Poor choices were made…”.

All praise the self-absolving intransitive.

The Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor: “Poor choices were made…”.
The mass execution of Bosnians at Srebrenica: “Poor choices were made…”.
The subprime mortgage debacle: “Poor choices were made…”.

S.Luggo December 15, 2009 at 2:24 am

[re=478271]Valvalval[/re]: Accidents were made.

lulzmonger December 15, 2009 at 3:37 am

America’s patience finally pays off … but after all, you can’t do 22 million rewrites overnight!

Gosh, Drudge sure seems to be dropping the ball on this one big-time – hmm, I wonder why?


LowerdPeninsula December 15, 2009 at 5:48 am

They are saying the public wont get to see the emails until **drumroll**: 2014

Unlearned Hand December 15, 2009 at 7:13 am

Twenty-two million Bush administration e-mails* =

987,321 counts of obstruction of justice
432,119 counts of perjury
298,007 counts of contempt of Congress
231,187 counts of misappropriating federal funds
162,862 counts of wire fraud
93,217 counts of conspiracy to commit war crimes
92,118 counts of actually committing war crimes
4,321 violations of the Mann Act
1,082 counts of first-degree murder (non-Iraq)
23 counts of conspiracy with a hurricane, tornado or other weather phenomenon to kill black people

Also, probably 108,211 dancing elves videos.

*All figures are estimates from the GAO**.

**And by that, I mean pulled out of my ass.

d4g33z December 15, 2009 at 4:35 pm

Johnny Mnemonic: the most expensive movie production in Canadian history and the most unintentionally hilarious.

The Bush Presidency: the most expensive administration in American history and the most unintentionally hilarious.

And both were based on excellent short stories.

d4g33z December 15, 2009 at 4:42 pm

And more thing:

“I WANT the clubhouse sandwich and the cold Mexican beer!” [ mimes reaching for beer ]

BerkeleyFarm December 16, 2009 at 12:14 am

[re=478022]edgydrifter[/re]: Yep.

I’m an email administrator. When I originally heard the “missing” story, I thought that someone was trying to pull a fast one. Mind you, we’ve seen repeatedly that non-Paulista Republicans are not exactly technosavvy, so they might actually be incompetent enough to not know how to run a backup, but the Bush White House wasn’t exactly known for its honesty and would not have hesitated to throw the techies under the bus.

There was also the whole farrago with “send it to my RNC account!” to avoid public record laws, which indicated that someone on site may have understood how to run backups.

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