whoops

22 Million Missing Bush Emails Found, Probably In Alberto Gonzales’ Pants

'This is an artifact and that was a relic. This is alive in the now, whereas that merely *remained* .....'Hooray, some “White House contractors” have located 22 million emails missing from the Bush Administration’s eight-year crime spree. Some do-gooder group or another sued the White House for access to these obviously incriminating records of daily operations under Bush/Cheney, and whaddya know, 22 million emails were suddenly found, probably on a thumb drive in Alberto Gonzales’ anus, just like in that William Gibson story. Once cleansed by technicians at the National Archives, all references to plotting and perpetuating 9/11, Iraq, Katrina and the assassination of Dumbledore will be removed.

The missing Bush Administration emails, do you remember what a big deal this was, during the later years of the Bush Administration? There was, we think, some kind of controversy involving a private GOP company “handling” the Bush-Cheney crime correspondence, so it wasn’t even routed through the White House mail servers, or something. It was a serious issue!

Oh yeah and GOP IT guru Mike Connell, who was blamed/credited for being behind a Secret Rove Email Scam, he was killed in a suspicious small plane crash last December … a few months after beiing threatened, by … Karl Rove! Life is weird! (Death, too.) The Bush Administration was more fun than watching Godfather II drunk, wasn’t it? [AP]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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55 comments

  1. Hedley Lamar

    I’m sure these will clear up any misunderstandings about that whole constitution and war crimes thingy.

  2. Way Cool Larry

    what’s really important is that we look forward– to the war crimes that the Obama administration will commit, so we will know not to prosecute those either

  3. Gopherit

    I bet half of the emails are from nigerian businessmen. The other half are about erectile dysfunction.

  4. DangerousLiberal

    “Eight year crime spree.” Yet another reason to love our Wonkette. Oh, you meant it literally? OK, that’s cool too.

  5. Toomush Infermashun

    “It seems like they just didn’t want the e-mails preserved.” Can anybody top this…..?

  6. SayItWithWookies

    The two groups say the 22 million White House e-mails were previously mislabeled and effectively lost.

    Yeah, they were put in a folder on the WH email server named “Lost Emails.” And I’m betting they were discovered (so to speak) around January 25th.

  7. Joshua Norton

    Don’t they get that little message that says “Are you sure you want to delete 22 million emails?”. I always do.

    I can’t imagine any member of BushCo being too tech savvy, so I’d be surprised if they couldn’t retrieve the missing docs. The secretary probably used white-out on the monitor to correct spelling errors. Also.

  8. charlesdegoal

    You may enjoy being drunk but as James Madison would have it, the sober people of America are weary. They want to know what did transpire during the Bush/Cheney years. Let those 22 million emails be posted on the Internet, so everyone can see for themselves.

  9. Extemporanus

    Are they certain that the 22 million emails found in Alberto Gonzales’ anus were on a thumb drive and not, in fact, paper printouts?

  10. edgydrifter

    “Sloan said the latest count [22 MILLION!] of misplaced e-mails ‘gives us confirmation that the Bush administration lied when they said no e-mails were missing.’”

    Understatement, thy name is Melanie Sloan.

  11. FlownOver

    No. Understatement, thy name is Meredith Fuchs.

    “Meredith Fuchs, general counsel to the National Security Archive, said ‘many poor choices were made during the Bush administration…’”

  12. FlownOver

    To further confuse things, is Melanie Sloan by any chance Mrs. Hugh Sloan, as played in the movie by Meredith (heh heh) Baxter?

  13. comicbookguy

    Fredo doesn’t specifically remember shoving 22 million emails up his ass, but he can’t rule it out.

  14. Gopherit

    [re=478042]OrangeAlert[/re]: no, just a true lawyer. Don’t leave a trail that isn’t covered under executive privilege.

  15. d23

    “Alberto Gonzales, previously Bush’s White House counsel and then Attorney General, did not use email.”

    Not too quaint, just too stupid.

    I’m sure Alberto Gonzalez was a boss that thought he knew everything but could actually do nothing but take the credit when something went right.

  16. slappypaddy

    “The Bush Administration was more fun than watching Godfather II drunk, wasn’t it?”

    godfather ii drunk is what it was. but you knew that.

  17. coolcatdaddy

    [re=477992]Gopherit[/re]: I bet half of the emails are from nigerian businessmen with replies from George W. The other half are about erectile dysfunction and replies from Karl Rove.

  18. mumblyjoe

    [re=478037]rocktonsammy[/re]: When they do, I’m pretty sure we expect them to get the number of emails wrong by a factor of 10.

  19. AnnieGetYourFun

    The Bush Administration was more fun than watching The Godfather II drunk while being anally probed with a pitchfork, but just barely.

  20. El Pinche

    Yes, and if they find incriminating and nasty things, nothing will come out of it. Barry will forgive and forget as always.

  21. Darkness

    [re=478139]El Pinche[/re]: I still have fantasies of him someday saying: “Well, if you really insist I prosecute, it’s such a distraction from the nation’s business, but the clamor has grown too loud to ignore . . .” and then he brings the hammer down.

    Yeah, I have an active imagination.

  22. auburnwine

    Damn, and I was going to spend Christmas vacation reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Curse you, Freedom of Information Act!

  23. Neilist

    [re=477982]SmutBoffin[/re]: Great short story, TERRIBLE movie, you mean.

    On a slightly more important subject: We need a list of the search terms to reduce these 22 million (slightly shit-encrusted) emails to a useable database for the War Crimes prosecutors at The Hague.

    I’ll start:

    1. Lie.
    2. Lying.
    3. Liars.
    4. Torture.
    5. Waterboarding.
    6. ‘Fredo w/1 Leather.
    7. Rendition.
    8. Black sites.
    9. Condi w/2 Black Cherry w/1 Tight.
    10. Cheney w/2 of fetus w/1 feeding.
    11.

  24. Dean Booth

    [re=478004]Joshua Norton[/re]: The message they got was “Press W if you don’t want to delete 22 million emails.” And after the Clinton keyboard hijinks, what could they to do?

  25. DustBowlBlues

    [re=478092]d23[/re]: “but take the credit when something went right.”

    Which is why Fredo was silent.

  26. Darkness

    [re=478095]gurukalehuru[/re]: hm, according to a book by Bradley Patterson published in 2001: How large is that staff? Much larger than the seventy-five people who work in the West Wing, or the ninety-six who staff the Executive Residence. In fact, there are one hundred twenty-five separately identifiable offices in the total White House staff community (above and beyond the Executive Office)—employing nearly 5,700 men and women.

    That’s almost NO emails per day.

  27. hotdog

    They can find 22 million Bush emails, but they STILL can’t find a mere 18.5 minutes of Nixon’s tapes?

  28. lawrenceofthedesert

    The missing Bush emails indeed lacked the elan of the Nixon tape gap; analog has had its moments. Digital has better fidelity, but “fidelity” is not a word applicable to anything that Nixon or Bush did.

  29. LowerdPeninsula

    [re=477983]mookworthjwilson[/re]: I saw him having lunch with Elvis and Tupac. Oh, and I say Goody Stevens dancing with the devil under the pale moonlight. Also.

  30. Valvalval

    Mike Connell was due to spill everything about the Republican e-voting fraud that his company helped pull off in ’00 and ’04. They killed him on the eve of the ’08 election so folks wouldn’t notice so much…

  31. S.Luggo

    [re=477999]Toomush Infermashun[/re]: Well, shit. How did that happen? “Poor choices were made…”.

    All praise the self-absolving intransitive.

    The Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor: “Poor choices were made…”.
    The mass execution of Bosnians at Srebrenica: “Poor choices were made…”.
    The subprime mortgage debacle: “Poor choices were made…”.
    Etc.

  32. lulzmonger

    America’s patience finally pays off … but after all, you can’t do 22 million rewrites overnight!

    Gosh, Drudge sure seems to be dropping the ball on this one big-time – hmm, I wonder why?

    IT IS A MYSTERY.

  33. Unlearned Hand

    Twenty-two million Bush administration e-mails* =

    987,321 counts of obstruction of justice
    432,119 counts of perjury
    298,007 counts of contempt of Congress
    231,187 counts of misappropriating federal funds
    162,862 counts of wire fraud
    93,217 counts of conspiracy to commit war crimes
    92,118 counts of actually committing war crimes
    4,321 violations of the Mann Act
    1,082 counts of first-degree murder (non-Iraq)
    23 counts of conspiracy with a hurricane, tornado or other weather phenomenon to kill black people

    Also, probably 108,211 dancing elves videos.

    *All figures are estimates from the GAO**.

    **And by that, I mean pulled out of my ass.

  34. d4g33z

    Johnny Mnemonic: the most expensive movie production in Canadian history and the most unintentionally hilarious.

    The Bush Presidency: the most expensive administration in American history and the most unintentionally hilarious.

    And both were based on excellent short stories.

  35. d4g33z

    And more thing:

    “I WANT the clubhouse sandwich and the cold Mexican beer!” [ mimes reaching for beer ]

  36. BerkeleyFarm

    [re=478022]edgydrifter[/re]: Yep.

    I’m an email administrator. When I originally heard the “missing” story, I thought that someone was trying to pull a fast one. Mind you, we’ve seen repeatedly that non-Paulista Republicans are not exactly technosavvy, so they might actually be incompetent enough to not know how to run a backup, but the Bush White House wasn’t exactly known for its honesty and would not have hesitated to throw the techies under the bus.

    There was also the whole farrago with “send it to my RNC account!” to avoid public record laws, which indicated that someone on site may have understood how to run backups.

Comments are closed.