HISTORICAL MILESTONES  9:15 am December 14, 2009

Gay Lady Elected Mayor Of Houston, Which Is In Texas (?!?)

by Sara K. Smith

The mayoral motorcadeHave you heard? Gays are, apparently, allowed to run for political office in Texas! One such gay actually won the mayoralty of Houston this weekend. Let’s learn a little bit more about Mayor-elect Annise Parker, who offers a winning combination of fiscal management skills and lesbianism.

Parker is a Democrat, NO SURPRISE THERE. The mayoral campaign was apparently pretty blah until the end, due to Parker and her opponent having virtually no differences on the “issues.” But all that changed when a group of black pastors and a couple of anti-gay advocates came forward and boldly announced, “Look at this gay lady and all the gay things she wants to do to Houston, in the butt.”

In the end Parker prevailed, which suggests that at long last the residents of a large Texas city are finally ready to have things done to them, in the butt, by a lesbian. Mazel tov, Mayor Parker!

Houston Is Largest City to Elect Openly Gay Mayor [New York Times]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 80 comments }

Norbert December 14, 2009 at 9:04 am

Let me get this straight: Annise wants to do things to Houston in the butt?

(“Let me get this straight: you hired a private dick to find an asshole?” — Mickey Rourke in Barfly)

Texan Bulldoggette December 14, 2009 at 9:21 am

Houston is actually one giant butt of a town, so she’ll be fine. But, I didn’t know lesbians liked to do things in the butt…I’m confused.

TGY December 14, 2009 at 9:21 am

It’s the sign of the Apocraplips, obvs.

lalalala December 14, 2009 at 9:23 am

I’m sure I’m the 100th person to complain i’m having trouble reading through all the siemens..

bfstevie December 14, 2009 at 9:24 am

Mayor Parker’s first official act should be to use agent orange on all the greenery on the bottom third of the page, so that Wonkette is readable. Then she should thank our brave troops.

Gallowglass December 14, 2009 at 9:24 am

Could we really say we were surprised if she was a Republican and turned out to be gay?
Also, -10 internets for the background ad. I have to scroll into the sky to read anything. I hope Siemens is paying cocaine in the Bahamasmoney for this.

TGY December 14, 2009 at 9:25 am

Srsly, u guys. Stop your IT-s from fucking with the live page. TEST SERVERS for the love of Plastic Jesus. U guys, srsly.

Fox News Light December 14, 2009 at 9:25 am

I don’t see this Seimens thing working out for Wonkette I Siemensy jokes coming out of Siemens name.

charlesdegoal December 14, 2009 at 9:31 am

The Germans have taken over Wonkette. Nice picture of a former concentration camp, Siemens, thanks a million.

Kodos December 14, 2009 at 9:31 am

Yuck! There’s Siemens all over the page.

JMP December 14, 2009 at 9:31 am

According to the picture, she’s got a large dog; how typical for a big-city lesbian. But what else do you expect from the liberal coastal elitists of Texas than to support the flannel agenda?

irativ December 14, 2009 at 9:31 am

Jesus fuck, somewhere in the world you’ll find Siemens making our Wonkette entirely unreadable.

Also, since when is Wonkette’s readership the target market for—well, whatever the fuck Siemens does?

Fuck Siemens, and yes, test servers FTW.

Cy_Guy December 14, 2009 at 9:32 am

[re=477345]lalalala[/re]: It’s the new Bukake version of Wonkette – it’s all covered in Siemens!

I thought it might be my browser but it is doing it in FireFox, Internet Explorer, and Chrome.

PLEASE FIX!

BlueCivic December 14, 2009 at 9:33 am

too much siemens

irativ December 14, 2009 at 9:33 am

[re=477352]Fox News Light[/re]: Somehow I missed it but, HAHA SIEMEN! WONKETTE IS COVERED IN SIEMEN!

irativ December 14, 2009 at 9:33 am

Thx that’s better.

thatonegirlsays December 14, 2009 at 9:33 am

I CANNOT READ THE WONKETTE. MEIN EYES ARE RUINED BY YOUR WINDDILDOS AND GREEN SPROUTY THINGS FROM THE EARTH BACKGROUND.

Monsieur Grumpe December 14, 2009 at 9:34 am

I got windmills all over my Wonkette. Can’t read. If this is Wonkette going green, I’m not for it.

proudgrampa December 14, 2009 at 9:34 am

Siemens background makes it hard to read text. Just sayin’.

CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us December 14, 2009 at 9:35 am

Eww… Get the Diemens’ siemens off mah screen!

JMP December 14, 2009 at 9:37 am

[re=477352]Fox News Light[/re]: Siemens, calling Lieberman the nasoLABIAL tyrant in the briefing, the “In the butt” comments here – with just two post, Wonkette seems even more sex-obsessed than usual today.

Oh and yay it’s readable again! Hope this lasts.

Monsieur Grumpe December 14, 2009 at 9:39 am

This will probably drive the governor to finally secede so he can rectify the situation Texas Style™.

Oldskool December 14, 2009 at 9:44 am

It looked like someone wrapped Wonkette in christmas paper. Teenage pranksters, no doubt.

gjdodger December 14, 2009 at 9:47 am

Mazel tov, Mayor Parker!

Let’s light the Labia Menorah!

bago December 14, 2009 at 9:47 am

Haha, wonkette is tilting with windmills. Siemens, also.

DC Hates Me December 14, 2009 at 9:47 am

Houston Is Largest City to Elect Openly Gay Mayor [New York Times]

Who are the closeted gay mayors?

facehead December 14, 2009 at 9:47 am

Guiliani is the mayor of Houston?!?

McDuff December 14, 2009 at 9:52 am

Is there a ‘gay’ way to pick up trash and pave the streets?

snideinplainsight December 14, 2009 at 9:56 am

Siemens, Siemens, Siemens, Siemens,
Siemens, Siemens, all day long,
Siemens, Siemens, Siemens, Siemens,
Siemens, Siemens, Siemens Song!

JMP December 14, 2009 at 9:57 am

[re=477378]DC Hates Me[/re]: “Who are the closeted gay mayors?”

Have you ever heard Bloomberg speak?

[re=477381]V572625694[/re]: Nah; someone fixed it to get to the margins only; you must have been lucky enough to miss the worst of it.

BeWoot December 14, 2009 at 9:57 am

I’m pleased that Annise Parker won in Houston. I’m also delighted that Wonkette is getting ad money from Siemens. In fact, I’m going to go buy some Siemens right now!

Seriously, if I can’t make any money in this economy, I’m at least glad that some of my friends are picking up a few bucks.

WarAndG December 14, 2009 at 9:58 am

Uh ahuh ahuh ahuh…they said Siemens. (Those who find that company name so damn funny have never taken a Lamers tour bus to Lake Titicaca.)

Naked Bunny with a Whip December 14, 2009 at 10:06 am

[re=477387]McDuff[/re]: Hire the Village People?

Electric Zen December 14, 2009 at 10:07 am

[re=477378]DC Hates Me[/re]: The ones with an (R) by their name.

superdave December 14, 2009 at 10:09 am

May I suggest that the next Wonkette ad campaign be Campbell Brown cover in teh Siemens?

PsycGirl December 14, 2009 at 10:10 am

[re=477340]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I believe someone has confused her with Larry Craig. They’re very similar except for the gender, the party affiliation, the “out-ness”, the state, their personal attractiveness….

dijetlo December 14, 2009 at 10:10 am

I must protest! While I think lesbians in public office are a wonderful idea, I was hoping more for the Porn Star variety of lipstick lesbian…not this flannel shirt wearing, suburu driving, mini-lumberjack they got going in Houston. What the hell is wrong with those people in Texas? You elected a lesbian that isn’t hawt at all, is it so difficult? There are literally hundreds of thousands of instructional videos on the internet about how you pick a lesbian, do some goddamn research people!
Texas needs to change it’s motto:
” We’re so stupid, we could fuck up a wet dream”

Maxine of Arc December 14, 2009 at 10:10 am

[re=477368]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Ewww.

I don’t know why, but I honestly thought there would still be some Siemen jokes left to make by the time I posted. At least I’m in time for the mass banhammer of everyone who whines about the ad. You’ll get several minutes of unreadable Wonkett and LIKE it!

Autochthon December 14, 2009 at 10:12 am

[re=477387]McDuff[/re]: Fabulously.

zenferret December 14, 2009 at 10:15 am

[re=477387]McDuff[/re]: Butt high when bending over?

So Kathy Bates is now a gay mayor?

progressiveinga December 14, 2009 at 10:18 am

[re=477340]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Buttsecks, yes. Siemens, not so much.

WadISay December 14, 2009 at 10:18 am

[re=477401]Maxine of Arc[/re]: I for one love the ad, and am going out to buy my own hydroplant generator and light rail system.

JMP December 14, 2009 at 10:20 am

[re=477392]WarAndG[/re]: I live in the state that’s home to the towns of Intercourse and Blue Ball; Siemens is still funny.

What I don’t get is what they’re trying to sell; unless they think all of Wonkette’s readers are mayors or CEOs

Barcode of the Apocalypse December 14, 2009 at 10:20 am

One single-person kayak but two bicycles? Something queer about that photo.

Prommie December 14, 2009 at 10:20 am

[re=477367]JMP[/re]: Wonkette is and never has been merely “sex-obsessed,” Wonkette has a long, proud tradition of being butt-sex-obsessed, though the practice is more commonly termed “ass-fucking” in Wonkette-land.

Prommie December 14, 2009 at 10:22 am

Uhh, Beavis, he said “homeowner.”

grendel December 14, 2009 at 10:27 am

Ad block plus for the win

El Pinche December 14, 2009 at 10:30 am

I WANT MY HOUSTON BACK

FMA December 14, 2009 at 10:41 am

[re=477411]Prommie[/re]: Small correction: It’s buttsecks in Wonkateer-land.

Come here a minute December 14, 2009 at 10:47 am

Silly Wonkette — it’s pronounced HOW-ston and it’s in Manhattan.

HuddledMass December 14, 2009 at 10:48 am

I, for one, welcome our new siemen-drenched overlords to wonkette.

Terry December 14, 2009 at 10:50 am

[re=477378]DC Hates Me[/re]:

Andrian Fenty sets off the gaydar with his fierce grooming and well tailored suits, but he’s married with three kids. You can imagine a beard wife having one kid with a closeted husband, but three kids implies a certain enthusiasm in creating them.

There used to be rumors about Kathy Whitmire, a previous mayor of Houston, who was/is a widow. I suspect that rumor was just a combination of her support from the gay community and the tendency of fundimentalist Texans to spend way too much time imagining other people’s sex lives.

user-of-owls December 14, 2009 at 10:53 am

[re=477387]McDuff[/re]: Is there a ‘gay’ way to pick up trash and pave the streets?

Yes, yes there is. Unfortunately it involves a great deal of mincing, which tends to drive up costs.

Cape Clod December 14, 2009 at 10:57 am

How dare you advertise Nazi wind generators when good old Amurikan General ‘lectric makes them for twice the price?

ZiPPerHEaD December 14, 2009 at 11:06 am

Love the photo! Nothing sez “lesbian” more than a single kayak on a car. Unless, of course, a guy is driving the car. This means “lonely guy who can’t fish.”

donner_froh December 14, 2009 at 11:08 am

Its like a letter to Penthouse from Houston: “I never thought I would be writing to Penthouse but I came home from work early one day and found this lesbian running for mayor on the couch….

marioninnyc December 14, 2009 at 11:17 am

If our crazy billionaire mayor in NYC hadn’t gone to his friend the crazy NY billionaire term limits activist to flout the law “just this once, please” than NYC would have beaten Texas on the lesbian mayor thingy. Unfortunately, the state lost to Connecticut in the regional marriage equality race. NYC, it just ain’t the gay it used to be.

geminisunmars December 14, 2009 at 11:21 am

[re=477376]gjdodger[/re]: You are brilliant.

[re=477409]JMP[/re]: “What I don’t get is what they’re trying to sell; unless they think all of Wonkette’s readers are mayors or CEOs.” — We’ve been revealed. Who else would have the time to sit around all day to read and write Wonkette?

KilgoreTrout_XL December 14, 2009 at 11:23 am

New Houston ordinance: “if teh gays are on the ballot you have to write the word “GAY” in 32-point font next to their name because what the fuck we didn’t know.”

AnnieGetYourFun December 14, 2009 at 11:32 am

[re=477340]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: My guess is that the people of Houston heard the butt warnings, but figured that if a dyke really wanted to do anything to them, it’d involve cuddling and perhaps some very tender junk-licking.

JMP December 14, 2009 at 11:33 am

[re=477411]Prommie[/re]: I thought the buttsex obsession was mostly AMC, and left when she did. Now, Wonkette loves to talk about just any filthy old thing.

Pithaughn December 14, 2009 at 11:35 am

[re=477340]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: It used to be a butt, but has declined in recent decades and is now an armpit.

El Pinche December 14, 2009 at 11:35 am

Meanwhile, right now there are the ad wars on our gay ass teevees between Perry and bufon (or buffoon) debutante Hutchinson. Who is the most Republican? Little do they know that we mexicans are awaiting the signal from the mexican branch of ACORN to attack.

Snarkalicious December 14, 2009 at 11:38 am

All this talk of buttsecks makes me so glad that I’m a lesbian…TRAPPED IN A MAN’S BODY!!!! Amirite, guys? Eh? Amirite?

El Pinche December 14, 2009 at 11:38 am

[re=477340]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Thanks to Montrose ACORN division. They fought well.

lawrenceofthedesert December 14, 2009 at 11:40 am

Dear Ashley, I’d like to buy a Subaru Outback and own a large dog — does this mean I’m a lesbian in a man’s body?

Lascauxcaveman December 14, 2009 at 11:40 am

All you folks baffled by Siemens advertising their hellaciously groovy windmills here; it’s a “feel good” ad. They know all you libtards just love windmills to pieces, because of your precious environments and stuff, and they want you to associate those feel-good windmills with the corporate giant logo Siemens.

So the next time you’re buying an electric toothbrush, coffee maker or waffle iron, and you see that Siemens logo, you’ll feel all warm and fuzzy and windmill-y, and buy, buy, buy.

geminisunmars December 14, 2009 at 11:46 am

[re=477495]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: And here I thought I was buying Siemens for the siemens reasons.

El Pinche December 14, 2009 at 11:58 am

[re=477495]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: And I’ll never cancel my subscription to Windmill Monthly (pictorials are HOTTT!)

SayItWithWookies December 14, 2009 at 12:03 pm

[re=477495]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: No no — that’s just their cover. The real reason is that as liberal fascists, we appreciate a judiciously applied policy of death camps and slave labor. Don’t tell Glenn Beck.

user-of-owls December 14, 2009 at 12:06 pm

[re=477488]El Pinche[/re]: Vaya con semillas, compa, vaya con semillas.

BeWoot December 14, 2009 at 12:07 pm

[re=477491]El Pinche[/re]: Viva The Montrose!

Come here a minute December 14, 2009 at 12:09 pm

[re=477461]donner_froh[/re]: Perhaps the citizens of Houston elected a lesbian so they could try to ‘cure’ her.

assistant/atlas December 14, 2009 at 12:30 pm

Crikey! I’m sure pretty soon every cowboy, cop, soldier, biker, construction worker and Indian chief in Houston will be ghey.

badmuthagoose December 14, 2009 at 12:44 pm

Dallas County has its first and only openly gay SHERIFF. So suck it, Houston. Sheriff, y’all. Not only that, but she’s Latina, too. Big huge honking liberal Latina lesbian alliterative LADY sheriff.

I Am Not Your Gary Busey December 14, 2009 at 1:04 pm

[re=477536]badmuthagoose[/re]: Little Lupe’s not exactly doing a bang up job though is she? Besides every elected official in Dallas is gay. You seen JWP’s hot hot man calendar?
http://www.dallasobserver.com/photoGallery/?gallery=277840

mumblyjoe December 14, 2009 at 1:23 pm

Honestly, I’m not sure why this is supposed to be surprising. As they say, there are two things that come out of Texas. Though, if I had to bet on which one would be made mayor first, I’d probably have put money on the steer.

InKnockYouUs December 14, 2009 at 2:30 pm

Wow. Siemen, siemen, siemen. Perhaps I can understand why you wonketeer commenters capitalize “semen” But why can’t you spell it right?

Lionel Hutz Esq. December 14, 2009 at 4:13 pm

I’m surprised that everyone has forgotten that all the Katrina refugees moved to Houston, which probably gayed it up a lot.

Long Form Def Certificate December 14, 2009 at 10:23 pm

Cannot wait for Crash Pad Series, Vol. 6: You cannot fight City Hall, but You can fist it.

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