500-Year-Old Monarch Has Reigned Through a Dozen U.S. Presidents!

  she is the lizard queen she can do anything

Where were you when Michelle Obama grab-assed the Queen?Here is something pretty gross: Queen Elizabeth II — holy emperor of the Kingdom of the Picts, Scots, Irish, French and the Ancient Chinamen — has been the Monarch of this bog-land since Harry S. Truman was president. And she’s STILL alive, which is the only requirement for continuing one’s queening career.

What does this mean? It means Your Queen of Hearts personally witnessed not only the founding and abolition of African Slavery, but also saw her loyal Kenyan subject, Barack Hussein Obama, elected by the Bohemian Grove as president of the Fallen Empire of America! This lady is just hella old, and we wanted to note it, on the occasion of her “XXXIV Jamboree and Rube Cotillion.” [Daily Acid]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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67 comments

  1. Texan Bulldoggette

    For some reason all those royals get on my nerves. Sucking off the people’s teat–but they’re all like ‘don’t take my picture because we’re better than you’. Suck it, queenie & all your damn little yappie Corgi dogs too!

  2. SayItWithWookies

    And she’s STILL alive, which is the only requirement for continuing one’s queening career.

    Don’t tell Ted Haggard.

  3. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    That’s nice, but why did you use a picture of the Obamas meeting with Rudy Giuliani’s dad?

  4. thejesusandmarycheney

    It is left to our historians to imagine what sort of filth Johnson would have uttered to Her Maj had they ever crossed paths.

  5. ChernobylSoup v2

    All these years people have been wondering why on earth QEII needed that black handbag. Now we know. iPod.

  6. charlesdegoal

    Michelle Obama may have grabbed her but Ronald Reagan laughed openly at her silly outfit (or perhaps at her weird accent).

  7. RoscoePColtraine

    And she’s STILL alive, which is the only requirement for continuing one’s queening career.

    Eat your hearts out, losers!

  8. Paul Tardy

    Dandy They can have a frank Regent to POTUS discussion on ruling over the wee people (wee is British for small, and Irish for elf).

    Can’t wait for Barrack-Os talk on 60 minutes. Something about US not signing up for forever with Afghanistan; I bet libruls hear it as it is over in 2011; but wingnuts hear it as forever, one year at a time.

  9. Joshua Norton

    Her mum lived to be, what, 101? She may outlive Charles, since all that hawt monkey sex with Camilla can’t be good for his heart.

  10. Numbat Dundee

    Word has it that in 1952 when the young Liz heard her Dad had died and she was Queen she was holidaying in….KENYA.
    Join the dots sheeple!
    I bet she doesn’t have a birth certificate.

  11. assistant/atlas

    Everytime I see pictures of the Queen, I just think of a very high-pitched British voice saying “HEEEELLLLOOOO!” over and over again. And that’s good enough to make me smile. Thanks, Queen! ….Sorry ’bout rebellin’ and all that, old sport.

  12. Neilist

    Ken: That’s “holy emperor of the NORTHERN, GUTLESS, SCUM-SUCKING, SIX-COUNTIES, SCOTTISH LAND-STEALING Irish.”

    (Bloody scum-sucking, Jameson’s drinking, jack-legged Protestant appeasers apparently run this place nowadays.)

    :::Breaking bottle of Bushmills over head; puking 1/2 barrel of Guiness into barmaid’s lap; starting fight over last night’s game . . . whoever was playing:::

  13. Neilist

    Oh, and the “S” in “Harry S Truman” is not an abbreviation for anything, and should not be followed by a period.

    :::Sniff. Bloody wankers running this place. Bloody WANKERS:::

  14. bureaucrap

    Since no one else has said it, I will (for the benefit of Fox News): Michelle and Barry should have bowed and curtsied before HRH to show humility to the queen of all white people. Then Obama should have offered up his birthplace, Kenya, as a tribute to Holy Mother England, and the only True Religion, High Church Anglicanism. There. It is a scandal that Obama bows to yellows but shows insolence to the white Queen of the WASPS.

  15. Jumping Jim

    “Imagine she’s a pretty nice girl, but she change from day to day. Wanta tell her that I love her a lot, but I gotta gotta bellyful of wine, imagine she’s a pretty nice girl, someday I’m gonna make her mine, oh yah, someday I’m gonna make her mine.”

    Ladies and Gentlemen, “The Beatles”

  16. Jim89048

    Crap. When I was a young, my grandmother–royalist that she was until her death–hung a calendar in my room with QEII’s royal visage on every damned month. Puberty fucked me up, yo!

  17. S.Luggo

    Such irony. Two Chicago homies who could teach a dwarfish German* lady a thing or two use of subtle color palette.

    *For nealy 300 years the English throne has been occupied by foul-breathed cabbage-eaters. Better than it being the Scots, I suppose.

  18. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    It should be noted there is less proof that the Queen is still alive than there is for Global Warming.

  19. Zorg

    [re=476986]Autochthon[/re]: Aye, onie coof can ken there’s nae profit in raisin’ the sark o’ that auld haggis ‘n gie’n her hurdies a skelpin,’ ‘pon my honor! May Bo raise a lawless leg upon ‘er!

  20. Neilist

    [re=476940]S.Luggo[/re]: ANYTHING is better than the Scotts. The LAND-STEALING PROTESTANT ORANGE SASH WEARING BASTURDS . . . .

    Oh. Sorry, Ken. That just slipped out again.

    :::Drinking another bottle of The Bush: In this instance, “thu wee” five gallon “Slow Irish Saturday Nite” size.

    :::Hic!:::

    :::PUKE!:::

    “BRACE YOURSELF, BRIDGET!”

  21. 102415

    “BRACE YOURSELF, BRIDGET!”
    [re=477018]Neilist[/re]: How the hell old are you dearie? Never would have guessed it.
    It’s friday and there is so much to celebrate have another.

  22. S.Luggo

    [re=477018]Neilist[/re]:
    One ‘t” and you’re thinking of the Protestant Lowland Scots who, due to their dislike of mutton and with the help of that merry jape Ollie Cromwell, settled Northern Micland during the Irish wars of nastiness of 17th century, when the McCains and the McConnells drove out the Kennedys and the Kerrys because of their support of Single Payer and opposition to Welfare Reform. Its true. You canz looks its up .

  23. DangerousLiberal

    /pedantry

    [re=476899]Neilist[/re]: “His parents chose the name Harry after his mother’s brother, Harrison Young (1846–1916), Harry’s uncle. His parents chose “S” as his middle name in an attempt to please both of Harry’s grandfathers, Anderson Shippe Truman and Solomon Young. The initial did not actually stand for anything, since it was a common practice with Scots-Irish.”

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_S._Truman — where there’s a pho-toe of ol Harry’s signature, with the S. with the offending period. So there’s that.

    /pedantry

  24. 102415

    [re=477053]Darkness[/re]: The black handbag is to hold the zip lock bags where she can save some little bits of tasty food things from the tea table to take back to her private rooms. Also, her cigs, a clean hanky with a big E embroidered on the corner and her ipod classic.

  25. japan_monster

    Hey, when is Eddie Murphey gonna do a movie where he dresses up as a really fat Queen Elizabeth II in a fatsuit. Get going, Disney!!!!!!!!!11111111111

  26. LowerdPeninsula

    Jeeze, didn’t know the Scottish were so hated (says someone with partial Scottish ancestary). Now, those Mickey Mick O’Donnell’s can all go to hell with that Satan’s blood you call Guinness, and those edible ground-turds you call potatoes.

    “And she’s STILL alive, which is the only requirement for continuing one’s queening career.”

    Yeah, try telling that to the rest of the queens…

  27. donner_froh

    [re=477053]Darkness[/re]: Cab fare home in case her date gets falling down drunk or a bit too fresh. Or both.

  28. Scooter

    That purse looks just large enough to hold the Queen Mum’s ashes. Or two servings of blood pudding. Or a travellers cheque for a trillion pound sterling.

  29. Darkness

    [re=477069]102415[/re]: Don’t forget the little bits of glittery lace…

    [re=477095]donner_froh[/re]: Given the Prince’s proclivity to obnoxious language, probably more likely her date gets in a knock-down, drag-out pub brawl and she may be too tired to find his unconscious body sprawled out under a bench in the snug. But I’m just guessing.

  30. Darkness

    [re=477087]LowerdPeninsula[/re]: As a fellow Slice o’ Scottish descendency traveler I can assure you the English be hatin’ on the Scots because they are good at organizing and building shit. Fuck all, nothing interrupts a good long session of post-Empire booze-hazy navel gazing worse than a Scottish boss who tells you to get the hell back to work because there is shit to be done.

  31. Wagamuffin

    As your token Canuck, I say, Her Majesty’s a pretty nice girl…

    On an unrelated topic: I took the guided White House tour in early November. Saw the dog on the lawn from the Red Room, was amused by Secret Service guy’s spiel…

    BUT: I could not help but notice as I entered the East Wing on the ground floor that the only thing that separated me from the Leader of the Free World (and he was in res, ’cause that was the weekend the he was working Congress so that they would pass the health plan) were 3 6–foot fabric barriers. You know, like those cheesy space dividers you find in any low level government building that separates your cubicle from the colleague next door(my apologies to low level g-men reading this)…

    So, 3 fabric barriers, and three very casual Secret Service guys standing by them, talking football. Staffers running in and out from the West Wing past us. Yes, I know they all pack heat. But really, what the hell are you thinking? A little bit of a diversion, and hell, I’m in the Oval Office, advising Barry on foreign policy, in a flash. I remember thinking, “Hmmm, I am more scared of the US Border Guards just looking at me, their long silences making me feel very uncomfotable, guilty…OK, I confess!!than of 3 fully armed Secret Service guys guarding the entrance to the West Wing.

    Then of course, the next week the party crashers make it in. Someone needs to be spanked…

  32. Jukesgrrl

    [re=476863]Numbat Dundee[/re]: “I bet she doesn’t have a birth certificate.”
    I’m not even sure she has a LAST NAME. I remember when her son and Lady Diana signed their marriage license she wrote “Diana Frances Spencer” and he just scribbled “Charles” in big John-Hancock writing. I read somewhere that William needed a last name to enroll at his university in Scotland (computers being notoriously demanding even in the highlands), so he used William Windsor, without insisting that “House of” be used as his middle name. I’ve always been surprised no rappers ever adopted that affectation. As in Flavor, of the House of Flav.

  33. Jukesgrrl

    [re=476949]tiger[/re]: “oh god that damn purse…” Hey, I’d carry a purse if my house had 300 rooms. A Kleenex stuffed up one’s sleeve is so unseemly.

  34. Binky

    A urinal bag strapped to her hip, a colostomy bag in the handbag, God save the queen! (From a messy incident.)

  35. LowerdPeninsula

    [re=477144]Wagamuffin[/re]: And, as for the protection of your nation’s leader? Well, he probably lives down the street from your Uncle Frank in a little gateless, single-family home, no? Or should I say, non?

  36. Wagamuffin

    Actually, LP, Steve had an RCMP officer who went off site and cruised the capital for an hour, nosed his way through a crime scene, and generally farted around for a shift.

    I feel your pain on the incompetence thing.

  37. LowerdPeninsula

    [re=477179]Wagamuffin[/re]: You know, we’ve actually had a debate on presidential protection in this country, particularly the former “protection for life” policy we had for presidents and their wives and children, and we finally cut that shit out. Many argue that the security is too much. It’s why presidents tend to avoid doing normal things and attending regular events, because people get pissed when they show up and a few thousand folks have to go through a metal detector and get frisked to get into their girl’s junior varsity basketball game, for instance.

  38. LowerdPeninsula

    [re=477179]Wagamuffin[/re]: BTW, when are you guys going to dump your giant nerd…er…I mean dump your prime minister, already? The guy is so a Bush wannabe, but he’s far too sane to ever accomplish it. Still, he tries his damnedest, and ends up just looking silly.

  39. godforbidowright

    As we say here in England… God Bless the Queen! (the ever mortal).
    Rumor Mill – Does she drink the blood of her new-born corgi puppies to stay alive, forever?

  40. CaliforniaMike

    The purse is necessary on those rare occasions that the Queen actually shape-shifts and takes on her lizard form. It contains her spare outfit.

  41. Robert Zimmerframe

    What does the Queen keep in her handbag?

    Her cigarettes.

    I wonder if she offered Barry one.

  42. Jukesgrrl

    [re=477288]Robert Zimmerframe[/re]: I love the idea of Liz and Barry sucking down smoke together. Do you think they grind the ashes into the 500-year-old hand-knotted rugs?

  43. LowerdPeninsula

    [re=477294]Jukesgrrl[/re]: No. Liz probably uses some ancient royal crowns as ashtrays for herself and her guests.

  44. Cranky Little Camperette

    [re=477149]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Someone could Wikipedia this because I’m too lazy/tired/drunk but I believe the family line held the surname Saxe-Coburg from Victoria but it was jettisoned during one of the Great Wars in lieu of Windsor.

    It just took me six tries to spell “lieu” correctly.

  45. Zulu

    There’s the “ER” monograph on everything in Britain. Made me think for a bit that her name was Elizabeth Regina

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