Cartoon Violence Is Drenched In Blood

By the Comics Curmudgeon
In honor of this week’s announcement, in Old Norse, that Peace can best be achieved by Warring, Forever, we here at Cartoon Violence are going to give up and embrace carnage! As movie producers long ago discovered, blowing shit up and then dismembering it has a certain visual and visceral impact than a bunch of dudes standing around earnestly talking about policy never will. Thus, there will be blood, yes, as well as explosions and bombs and nightmarish baby-monsters and fetuses and, of course, floppy man-boobs. Always the floppy man-boobs! Anyway, join us in hell, after the jump.

Click each cartoon to make it bigger, if you really want to see them, which maybe you don’t?

You know, terrorism actually used to be a kind of glamorous business, with the sinister plotting in secret hideouts, the trips across the scenic deserts and bleak mountains, the disguises in the land of the infidel, and so on. But now, like every other aspect of modern life, terrorism is boring, because most of it just involves “surfing the net,” which is the most soul-deadening activity ever invented by man. Like, in the old days, the only way to get America’s secret documents about airline security would have been to plant a mole in the TSA who would rise through the ranks until he could lay his hands on the material, then escape with them to the Afghan-Pakistani border. But now! Now you can just download them, from the Internet. Is there any wonder that these al-Qaeda “hackers” feel a certain lack of thrill at this? The only way they can even stay engaged is to download a Windows add-on that puts some bad-ass blood script on their mouse cursor spelling out “TERRORISTS,” to remind them that they are, in fact, terrorists, and not mid-level managers at a Fortune 1000 accounting firm.

But still, even e-terrorism is more fun than whatever the hell the Democrats are up to these days — health care? running the country? some such thing? YAWN. That’s why ol’ Barack Obama and Harry Reid like to kick back by gettin’ in their plane and bombing some shit, Tokyo-style! (Not Nancy Pelosi, though: bombing shit is for boys!) Yup, those two, dropping their socialism and spending bombs in a sneak attack on America, which apparently forgot that it voted for them.

But surely while all of these fun explosions are happening, real problems are going unaddressed! And it’s true that the world’s hungry are beginning to make a stink. Tired of being ignored as millions of weak, waif-like, undernourished individuals, the hungry have combined themselves, Voltron-style, into one enormous hungry baby beast-thing. Forming a super-organism had the advantage of helping these hungry people make more efficient use of their scarce food supplies, and once they/it were adequately nourished, it/they shambled towards Rome to terrify the Italians with their/its spindly neck, beady eyes, and ghastly tufts of thinning hair. This horrifying collective of famine will eat all the blah blah you can dish out!

Nightmarish as the attack of the peckish proved, it got people thinking about “human resources.” If these starving people could join forces to create a powerful monster, why, just imagine what else might possible! Could there even be value in … fetuses? Powerful sonograms showed that some precious unborn babies are in fact literally made of money. Let’s “just say no” (as the universal “no” sign in this diagram denotes) to carrying these cash-embryos to term, and instead harvest them for their precious monetary reserves!

Now, naturally, once you start talking about harvesting unborn babies, some loser’s going to complain, and will probably bring God into the equation. Well, guess what, sucker? Your precious God has been nationalized, thanks to Obama’s socialism bombs! God can’t smite your baby killers because he’s working for the U.S. government, handing out bags of cash to working stiffs who don’t deserve it. Like all government bureaucrats, he’s grown fat and lazy, as His Divine Man-Boobs show. C’mon, God! What would Jesus, with his taut, forever-33 body, think if he could see you like this? Pull yourself together!

But while America was wrapped up in these petty debates about socialism and fetuses, we let our guard down against the real enemy: the Irish. Letting these drunken ring-kissing potato-eaters into our country was our worst mistake, obviously, and now that they’ve birthed their red-headed “anchor babies” here we can’t send them back to their blighted island. Thus, we’re helpless as they run amok with their shillelaghs, beating in the brains of Real Americans and leaving our decent non-Celtic land splattered with Sasanach blood.

In other news, Barack Obama had something to say about Afghanistan, but nobody could really pay attention to it because they were all distracted by the pert buttcheeks of Hillary Clinton and Robert Gates.