We just received a crucial telegram from the COMICS CURMUDGEON, subject line: “EMERGENCY WAR ON CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE ADDITION.” This is what we live for, as Journalists. A company is selling creepy human-head-statue urns, for the ashes of your loved ones. (Or maybe for you?) You can get the head designed to look like deceased Aunt LuLu, or long-gone Grandpa Jonesy, or even your own head, which is fucking awesome.
Or, if you’re an American Slob, you can put the cremated remains of your loved one in the digitally reconstructed 3D head of some famous person. Celebrity! If you can’t be a celeb in life, have your ashes rest forever in a consumer item fabricated in the head-face shape of some celebrity.
Says wonderful cremation website Cremation Solutions: “Now we can create a custom cremation urn in the image of your loved one or favorite celebrity or hero, even President Obama!”
And once Health Care Reform is passed this Christmas Eve, every poor white American will be “buried” in one of these, after being killed by the Death Panel. [No No No]
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This is almost, but not quite, as disturbing as an Obama Christmas Ornament:
http://www.friendsofthewhitehouse.com/data/default/images/catalog/large/2009BO_front.jpg
The ornament is more disturbing because some people think it means that once again, it’s okay to hang a black man from a tree…
So the little tray in front is for the Peruvian blow?
[re=476169]memzilla[/re]: My favorite Christmas ornament ever: http://www.nixonlibraryfoundation.org/clientuploads/directory/products/nixonelvisornsm.gif
A fire rages and one woman is left to burn. A sinister secret is exposed. Ali Reynolds is back to pursue justice-but at what cost?
The sinister secret is the woman wanted her ashes interred in a Nancy Pelosi head but her vicious children put her ashes in a Michele Bachmann head.
Ali Reynolds butts heads with this grave injustice in, TRIAL BY FIRE.
Roland Burris just got pwned.
When my great Uncle Bill who was a paratrooper during the second world war came back in a box after being killed during the invasion of Germany, he was cremated and put in an urn. I’m told my dear mother used used to shake it so the fillings rattled when her mother played Latin music on the old Victrola. I’m also told that Grandpa would laugh like hell.
I’m wondering if these heads will have the same accoustics as the old metal ones.
Why do I have a feeling that there are thousands of people who just bought a book for the first time in their lives are also going to buy a Sarah head to spend eternity in? At least we know if it is an accurate copy there is a lot of room for ashes.
And once Health Care Reform is passed this Christmas Eve, every poor white American will be “buried” in one of these…
HA! I totally called it!
Well, this isn’t a ROFLYAO comment, but it does strike me that there is something Egyptian about that bust.
Humanity is definitely regressing.
p.s., you can keep it on your freedom tray, also.
What happened to Canopic jars?
[re=476190]zhubajie[/re]: Most folks switched to zip-lock bags.
[re=476184]Dolmance[/re]: If you’re wondering why all the love that you long for eludes you, and people are rude and cruel to you, I’ll tell you why…
where is the Kwanzaa?
TOO MUCH TRIUMPH on that phiz. Where’s the vampire-in-the-sun expression of a one-term Democratic president who serves as a historical cum-rag for a lost, hopeless war and a smashed economy? Do I have to buy model paint and color the scalp gray myself?
If you press the brass plaque, a hologram of Jimmy Carter appears in the left background and says “Run, Barack, run!”
Obligatory “make this bong” joke, except it’s a funeral gimcrack. It’s like ordering a RealDoll and using her as a draft excluder. If you have that much money to blow on 90′s-style irony, fuck you. Can I have some?
And for the loved one who died saving the world from Iraqi red mercury, the Serviceman’s Special: a bust of Colin Powell, acrylic tears of shame rolling down his cheeks, with a cocked M9 pistol in his mouth, in the classic “no insurance payout for suicide” position.
If you press the plaque on that one, the background lights up with the roaring, crackling fires of the slopes of Hell, and a tiny burst of brimstone puffs out the back. Replacement brimstone scent cartridges sold seperately. Buy in bulk and save!
And, if you’re Keith Richards, you can roll ole grandma into a fat, sweet-assed joint and smoker he ass.
Good news, you guys:
A kid-friendly version of the urn is available in “ABORTED FETUS” size!
And if you order the “50 HEAD VALU-PAK”, they’ll even throw in a FREE STAND!
[re=476200]GreenHalo[/re]: GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME HEAD!
[re=476207]Extemporanus[/re]: Must you make me choose; can’t I have both?
[re=476173]MGBYG[/re]: No – it’s a mirror to use whilst trimming the anatomically-correct “Real-Live“® nose-hairs….
[re=476190]zhubajie[/re]: In the shops this April, in time for
EasterObama Sunday™…While reading the story there is a photo of Sarah Palin right next to the text…all I could think of was a Sarah head with sparklies on her glasses.
“Merry Christmas mom and dad. Like what I got you? You see now, when you die, you’ll be put into this urn that looks like me. It’s symbolic, because it represents how you guys will be in my thoughts.”
Or maybe urns modeled on big, fat, poxy American asses to hold our earthly remains after we stroke out at 48 with a Marlboro in one hand and a Big Mac in the other… The land of the free and the home of the brave indeed.
You can also get the smaller “keepsake” version. I’m splitting myself up into Uday and Qusay because I just can’t choose.
What I like better are the birdhouse urns on that site. Get them for relatives you disliked so birds can crap on them for eternity.
Jesus. That’s creepy.
Not a bad likeness, except that they didn’t quite capture the size of Obama’s jug ears. Have you seen a photo of his maternal grandfather when he was young? Barry gets the ears honestly.
“All your life behind the eight ball, but when you die you can finally be a head.”
“I hope Obama does not get one of these. He will get a head of himself.
>INSERT CORNY PUN HERE<
This is the only possible way for Sarah Palin to get ahead of Barack Obama.
Obama tried to stop thinking about his late mother, but he just couldn’t get her out of his head.
The museum from Planet of the Apes comes to mind…
I want my ashes kept in a celebrity fleshlight.
I like that there’s a name plaque on the base of the bust. That way, when you get sold at someone’s estate sale, they’ll know who you are.
Looks like somebody is getting some head from Tiger this Xmas.
Is that a solar panel on the front? So it can move and talk like in Futurama? Because that would be awesome!
The birdfeeder urns are pretty cool. Let the birdies snack on your loved ones.
Also, I want to get one made to put on my wife’s headboard. There I will be, silently judging. That’s not creepy at all.
[re=476169]memzilla[/re]:
Now if you could get Xmas ornament urns, that would be something.
[re=476302]chascates[/re]: Haha! Put grandpa in one. Let’s see if he can chase the squirrels out of the bird feeder for all eternity!
The alternate Hopey Urn:http://www.cremationsolutions.com/c2/Acorn-Urn-Scattering-Urn-p18.html
[re=476187]Extemporanus[/re]: Wow, you remember the stuff you say here? Because I am lucky that my log in information is stored, otherwise I’d have to keep reregistering under dumber and dumber names.
This is cool. For my urn, I think I’m going with Shakes the Clown.
Tacky, but not unexpected. The “deathcare” industry (as they prefer to be called) has been pushing towards this for years, with stuff like “affiliation” and customized caskets/urns. Because nothing says quiet, lasting dignity like being buried in an orange casket that plays “Rocky Top” every time someone gets near it.
Of course, this is an illegal exploitation of public figures without consent and they’ll probably get sued out of business (or reduced to using D list celebrities), but still fun to mock.
Got that beat:
Chia Obama!
[re=476197]Extemporanus[/re]: My Great Uncle Bill would have loved me. I’m his spitting image in his surviving photographs and I’m told my sense of humor is identical, to the point where my grandparents used to call me by his when they were preoccupied. I’m also told he shared my great and abiding love of Latin women with bright smiles and that we both had a propensity to father a lot of children from one end of the planet to the other.
[re=476169]memzilla[/re]: of course, not as tasteful as TreeBallz: http://www.shapeways.com/shops/questionabletaste
[re=476342]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Only the “Yo momma” jokes.
Now, what we’re we talking about?
[re=476398]Dolmance[/re]: You’re warmly recounted rememberence makes you the anti-Morrissey.
And unlike the subject of his song to which I linked, it sounds like you really have “urned” it.
[re=476202]Extemporanus[/re]: I had no idea I could get my aborted fetuses creamated. This will really add to my wall of fame
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