WHORES OF BABYLON  11:10 am December 9, 2009

Penn’s Firm Made Big Smackeroos Off Stimulus

by Sara K. Smith

You know who else made millions? Liz Glover.History’s greatest monster, the notorious bottom-feeding nudibranch Mark Penn, has once again triumphed over Goodness and Mercy. Nearly $6 million in stimulus money went to Penn’s PR firm, Burson-Marsteller, in order to “preserve three jobs,” which is a fancy way of saying “keep Penn in Cheetos and JUGGS subscriptions through 2012.”

Apparently Burson-Marsteller worked on a campaign this spring to notify the poors that the capitalist God was taking away their analog television sets forever. About half of that money went to Penn’s polling firm. In other words, Hillary Clinton should really think about resigning as Secretary of State after this latest outrage.

Mark Penn’s two firms got $6 million from stimulus for PR campaign [The Hill]

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chascates December 9, 2009 at 11:13 am

Who is the little cutie next to Mark, eh?

memzilla December 9, 2009 at 11:14 am

Yeah, where was Liz Glover’s stimulus check to save her job, HENNNNGGGGGH?

jetjaguar December 9, 2009 at 11:16 am

I wish I could afford a Cheetos subscription…

AggieDemocrat December 9, 2009 at 11:18 am

I’ll take $6 million to, um, “preserve three jobs.” Thank you.

V572625694 December 9, 2009 at 11:19 am

It was hard to think of any even more odious way to spend stimulus $$$ than paying lavish bonuses to Goldman Sachsers, but they did it! U-S-A! Fuck yeah!

binarian December 9, 2009 at 11:19 am

He looks pretty Republican-ish to me.

norbizness December 9, 2009 at 11:21 am

It takes more people than that to carry him around from place to place, unless he got one of those Baron Harkonnen floatsuits.

magic titty December 9, 2009 at 11:22 am

A lot of references to the human, female breast today.

Larry McAwful December 9, 2009 at 11:23 am

Mark Penn is evidence that Mark Hanna didn’t really die in 1901 and is some sort of immortal hell-beast that keeps taking on different identities as he lives forever, spreading sleaze, corruption and discord through political systems until the end of time.

JMP December 9, 2009 at 11:24 am

Yep, a total waste of money. Because hey, it would have been a lot better for a bunch of angry olds and bitters to wake up on June 12 to find their TV no longer working. And the GOP also considers a lot of the scientific grants “waste”.

Hey, Republicans, the point of the stimulus money is to, you know, stimulate the economy. You could use it to hire a bunch of people to repeatedly dig and fill in a giant hole, and it would still do that. But you not only don’t get this basic idea, but highlight a lot of actually useful programs as “waste”.

And damn, unsurprisingly those commentors are idiots. Yes, having to pay taxes is just like slavery, fuckface.

queeraselvis v 2.0 December 9, 2009 at 11:24 am

Poor Liz looks like she’s trying desperately get herself away from Jabba the Hutt’s gravitational pull.

vladster December 9, 2009 at 11:25 am

[re=474631]V572625694[/re]: Odious? Bob Kraft, owner of our losing Patriots footballers, almost got $( mil in stimulus for a footbridge across route 1 to link his stadium with his future 1 million sq ft shoppers emporium because he gave Guv Deval $12K. But Hopey put the kibosh on it. He hates football.

vladster December 9, 2009 at 11:27 am

[re=474640]vladster[/re]: Thats $9 million

hoosiermama December 9, 2009 at 11:27 am

There’s something about the way the font makes “Juggs” look so classy, like Mark Penn will be renewing his subscription to The New Yorker AND Juggs, thank you very much.

rocktonsammy December 9, 2009 at 11:28 am

Run lady run before that fat guy eats you!!

x111e7thst December 9, 2009 at 11:28 am

Why does Liz Glover hate our troops?

Whitey Did Katrina December 9, 2009 at 11:29 am

Mark Penn is also keeping the “bow ties made out of feces” industry “afloat.”

FMA December 9, 2009 at 11:31 am

You guys just don’t understand economics. Those JUGGS models have to eat too.

Tundra Grifter December 9, 2009 at 11:33 am

“Liz Oxhorn” – what a great name!

Guess it does depend on whose ox is being bored.

Gopherit December 9, 2009 at 11:44 am

What the fuck does Penn know about public relations?

Gopherit December 9, 2009 at 11:46 am

[re=474639]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]:

SayItWithWookies December 9, 2009 at 11:46 am

GOP Sens. John McCain (Ariz.) and Tom Coburn (Okla.) held a news conference Tuesday to blast 100 “wasteful” projects funded by the $787 billion economic stimulus package Congress passed earlier this year

Oh, good lord — now it all makes sense. John McCain would complain about his own mother getting federal money if he thought it would get him some publicity. We heard you loud and clear in 2008, Senator — which is why we voted for That One.

MARCdMan December 9, 2009 at 11:47 am

Wonder if Liz has a stash of polaroid film somewhere, I hear they stopped making it.

Mr Blifil December 9, 2009 at 11:50 am

So wait Liz is now modeling for Juggs? Oh well, as long as it’s tastefully done.

JMP December 9, 2009 at 11:52 am

[re=474640]vladster[/re]: Wait, wouldn’t denying money to the Patriots be the act of someone who loves football?

hockeymom December 9, 2009 at 11:53 am

I call shenanigans…that woman does not have a flower in her hair, so clearly is not our Liz.

Potater December 9, 2009 at 11:54 am

The fat cats at Wolfram & Hart have really let themselves go.

El Pinche December 9, 2009 at 11:56 am

Mark Penn, causing irreversible damage to commodes from coast to coast since 1947.

Gopherit December 9, 2009 at 11:57 am

[re=474663]Potater[/re]: Or at least are taking Fat Cat a little too literally.

finallyhappy December 9, 2009 at 12:00 pm

References to Dune, Star Wars and Angel in wonketteer comments here- Definitely my crowd!

CycloneArmageddon December 9, 2009 at 12:03 pm

[re=474637]Larry McAwful[/re]: No, you are wrong. An immortal corruption zombie sent to earth to keep politics and business corrupt would be AWESOME. This malodorous whale is not awesome.

El Pinche December 9, 2009 at 12:06 pm

[re=474666]finallyhappy[/re]: It’s Sara. She brings out the best of us….well, except me who consistently brings the poo poo and 12 yr old fanfare.

shadowMark December 9, 2009 at 12:07 pm

[re=474635]magic titty[/re]: I hope that doesn’t mean the afternoon will be all about Levi Johnston and euphemisms for his hockey stick.

Spike December 9, 2009 at 12:09 pm

Wow, this is the first thing the Obama administration has done that I would classify as a legitimate, actual scandal. They must be so proud! You always remember your first…

V572625694 December 9, 2009 at 12:14 pm

[re=474640]vladster[/re]: Yet another reason to love Barry: he hates football.

[re=474635]magic titty[/re]: Mmmm….boobage. Me likey, even in the abstract or sarcastic.

Nappied Hypotenuse December 9, 2009 at 12:18 pm

Word to the nudibranchs! I think this one looks most like Penn.

happyrock December 9, 2009 at 12:22 pm

Mark Penn and Stimulus in the same sentence? YUCK!

Accordion-o-rama December 9, 2009 at 12:24 pm

You know who was also “history’s greatest monster”?

Come here a minute December 9, 2009 at 12:31 pm

Oh god, I hope Liz is not handing out a stimulus package in that picture.

thesheriffisnear December 9, 2009 at 12:32 pm

I didn’t anyone could match the sheer physical repulsiveness of Fred Kagan but this meatwad comes close.

rmontcal December 9, 2009 at 12:38 pm

Are we talking about $6m for that Joe The Plumber thing?

vladster December 9, 2009 at 12:44 pm

[re=474660]JMP[/re]: Hey wait a second…

thesheriffisnear December 9, 2009 at 12:44 pm

[re=474640]vladster[/re]: That’s MISTER Kraft!!!

vladster December 9, 2009 at 12:47 pm

[re=474649]Tundra Grifter[/re]: or whose Liz is being horned

vladster December 9, 2009 at 12:49 pm

[re=474701]thesheriffisnear[/re]: I think the Patriots could use some stimulus. Kraft is just another rich asshole who wants everybody to pay for his bridge so he can be a richer asshole.

Lionel Hutz Esq. December 9, 2009 at 12:49 pm

For six million, I would think he could get JUGS to shoot their photos in his office, and all the Cheetos he could eat.

queeraselvis v 2.0 December 9, 2009 at 12:53 pm

[re=474676]shadowMark[/re]: Hush now! You’ve gone and conjured it. Boo.

Dolmance December 9, 2009 at 1:05 pm

If I couldn’t pretend there was a Hell waiting for these despicable motherfuckers after death I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning.

I’m actually getting a migraine because I can’t beat the shit out of that guy in the picture.

Prommie December 9, 2009 at 1:09 pm

[re=474666]finallyhappy[/re]: This one time, at band camp, we were trying to play the Cantina song from the first Star Wars, you know its really just a klezmer song, and then we all split a Zima, and one of the clarinette players got so drunk, he showed us how he was able to blow himself! He had to move, after that, and change his name, I think he changed it to “Newell” or something like that.

Manos: Hands of Fate December 9, 2009 at 1:16 pm

Jeez this guy just can’t help being a scumbag. I mean suckin up stimulus money, it’s hard to top that.

Capitol Hillbilly December 9, 2009 at 1:22 pm

Doesn’t he know you can read the articles in Juggs online? That’s what I do.

Extemporanus December 9, 2009 at 1:23 pm

Due to the curvaceous, crevasse-ish nature of Mark Penn’s physique, and his long-standing propensity for inhaling junk food whilst in the nude, I’m confident that he would’ve been in Cheetos and JUGGS through 2012 regardless of whether he received any stimulus money.

thesheriffisnear December 9, 2009 at 1:31 pm

[re=474706]vladster[/re]: We may disagree on Mr.Kraft as he saved the Pats and brought us a winner but we can agree that Penn is a repugnant pudding butt!!!

Extemporanus December 9, 2009 at 1:33 pm

In light of the nexus of politics and Juggs described by Sara, it would be remiss of me not to resubmit a link celebrating Megg’s outsized contributions in this area.

Hooray For Anything December 9, 2009 at 1:33 pm

[re=474681]V572625694[/re]: I don’t think it’s that he hates football but that like every other football fan, he hates the Patriots.

x111e7thst December 9, 2009 at 1:36 pm

@SKS: What did the whores of Babylon ever do to you that you are being so mean about them?

shadowMark December 9, 2009 at 1:53 pm

[re=474720]Extemporanus[/re]: Have you seen the McCain family Christmas card? Meghan has a link to it. Meghan’s boobs aren’t extra large, Meghan’s whole body has become the body of one of those women you congratulate on being pregnant but then realize you fucked up because she’s not pregnant just really effing fat…

TGY December 9, 2009 at 2:14 pm

When these things happen, I imagine Life being an enormous morality play, where evil is punished and good rewarded, written by a dyslexic playwright.

tiny mexican December 9, 2009 at 2:27 pm

The president gave money to Mark Penn, even indirectly.
I’m with the freepers. Time to impeach. Now.

(This message paid for by the Veterans of Primary Wars. Donate today — because keeping the Whitey Tape under wraps for a year and a half ain’t uncostly.)

Jerk Cade December 9, 2009 at 2:30 pm

[re=474721]Hooray For Anything[/re]: somebody’s jealous . . .

Can O Whoopass December 9, 2009 at 2:31 pm

$6 million compared to Wall Street CEO’s billions? Somebody needs a chair over their head in the prison “raslin rink”.

Paul Tardy December 9, 2009 at 3:16 pm

I personally liked the “if your TV is not working, it is time to buy a new one” campaign. Made total sense to me, and know that rioting in the ghetto was prevented when the pictures turned to static.

vladster December 9, 2009 at 4:08 pm

[re=474719]thesheriffisnear[/re]: Yessir, that’s true. Does Kraft deserve a $9m bonus from the tax payers?

Neilist December 9, 2009 at 5:04 pm

My GOD, WHO is that INCREDIBLY SEXY looking creature???!!!!!????

Oh, and Liz looks nice, too.

::::Masturbating furiously to a can of Crisco::::

(Not “with.” “To.”)

natteringnabomb December 9, 2009 at 5:47 pm

Wonder if Tiger banged her,

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