HOLIDAY SONGS  9:05 am December 9, 2009

Orrin Hatch Has A Song About The Famous Mormon Holiday, Hanukkah

by Sara K. Smith

Sweet Senatorial songbird Orrin Hatch has written the lyrics to another song! This time it is not about the Mormon God or even the Liberal God (Ted Kennedy) but rather the Jewish God, who locked His people in a dark barn for eight days in celebration of the very first Fake Christmas. The point is, Orrin Hatch is basically Mozart, but a Mozart who writes lyrics and cares about Jews. [Tablet Magazine]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 62 comments }

red sky December 9, 2009 at 9:18 am

It’s the magic underpants, they make them sing so special. How do think the Tabernacle Choir does it?

bureaucrap December 9, 2009 at 9:18 am

The title suggests a vehicle for unrepentant anti-Semitism. But I just can’t bring myself to listen. could someone else listen and get back to me?

Little Miss Baltimore December 9, 2009 at 9:18 am

If they make my daughter sing this as the “Jew Song” at the school “Holiday Celebration” I will write a strongly worded letter about diversity.

I don’t know about these Tablet people, but the rest of us Jews don’t want him. Thanks for ruining my festival of lights.

steverino247 December 9, 2009 at 9:23 am

Since the Mormons believe they’re the lost tribe of Israel, it makes perfect sense for Mr. Hatch to sing Jewish songs. However, since that’s complete bullshit as genetic testing has shown, WTF?

mumblyjoe December 9, 2009 at 9:24 am

I humbly request a War on Christmas tag, because, well, any recognition of any one else’s religion from november through january is quite clearly an act of war. Why does Orrin Hatch want to destroy Christmas so much?

engulfedinflames December 9, 2009 at 9:40 am

Doesn’t look jooish.

Monsieur Grumpe December 9, 2009 at 9:42 am

I enjoyed the La La La La La La La La La La part, other than that, meh.

Helefink December 9, 2009 at 9:45 am

OK, but why did Frances McDormand agree to do this?

Chain Tattoo December 9, 2009 at 9:46 am

Well, at least it’s better than the Horst Wessel Lied.

betterDeadThanRed December 9, 2009 at 9:48 am

Orin Hatch, Vahksin zuls du vi a tsibeleh, mitten kup in drerd

Larry McAwful December 9, 2009 at 9:53 am

If you’re strong enough to make it to the end (and I realize most people aren’t,) the producer-looking guy in the blue shirt says, “All it is is a hip-hop Hannukah song written by the senior senator from Utah.” In most states this is probably a funny comment, but this is really what Utah hip-hop sounds like.

Monsieur Grumpe December 9, 2009 at 10:03 am

[re=474550]Larry McAwful[/re]:
The song also ends with a “Hey!” so that makes really, really ethnicky.

snideinplainsight December 9, 2009 at 10:04 am

Just like Iraq – it’s all about the oil.

TGY December 9, 2009 at 10:05 am

Funny, I hear Adam Sandler singing ‘smoke your marijuanica’ far off in the distance.

CycloneArmageddon December 9, 2009 at 10:08 am

The whole song-thing didn’t do much for me – I expected more of a Rammstein influence.

Larry McAwful December 9, 2009 at 10:09 am

[re=474554]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: That’s true! I learned that from listening to my mom’s old New Christy Minstrels records.

binarian December 9, 2009 at 10:09 am

[re=474550]Larry McAwful[/re]: Sounds like something done for a Disney movie to me. Pop generica about those curly headed people for us whitebreads. The lead singer is quite attractive I think, in sort of Sandra Bullock-y way. Other than that…..just silly forgettable quasi-political propaganda.

DemmeFatale December 9, 2009 at 10:18 am

Thanks a lot, Wonkette!
(Like Chanukah isn’t depressing enough already.)

norbizness December 9, 2009 at 10:18 am

I still like it better than “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”

JadedDIssonance December 9, 2009 at 10:24 am

As an agnostic with Jewish-y heritage, I know nothing about anything about this, but can someone tell me what that philtre-esque thing he pulls from his shirt is at about 48″?

Potater December 9, 2009 at 10:24 am

[re=474561]binarian[/re]: By lead singer I assume you mean the Senator himself. Oh God, I just envisioned Orrin Hatch in a romantic comedy with Ryan Reynolds’ pecs. Boner ruined FOREVER.

bureaucrap December 9, 2009 at 10:31 am

[re=474569]JadedDIssonance[/re]: He had a mezuzah necklace (same as on the doors), which has to be political pandering of the most obscene sort. How many jews are there in utah — twelve?

In any case, I listened to the song just to see what jaded was talking about. All I can say is, thank G-d it’s beethoven month on WETA. I need to wash my ears out with a nice piano conerto.

binarian December 9, 2009 at 10:33 am

[re=474570]Potater[/re]: No, no, God no. Not him. The female in the blue sweater. V-neck I think.

Gopherit December 9, 2009 at 10:41 am

More accordion, plz.

JadedDIssonance December 9, 2009 at 10:43 am

[re=474580]bureaucrap[/re]: Ah yes the classic “wear it on your forehead” bit.

Sekrit Formula for Jewish-Sounding-Song:

Harmonic-minor scale
Organ
Children-as-backup-vocals
Lots of HEY!
Badly eliding consonants….

Gopherit December 9, 2009 at 10:46 am

And the story about how this abomination came to fruition.

http://www.tabletmag.com/news-and-politics/21863/eight-days-of-hanukkah/

Mr Blifil December 9, 2009 at 10:50 am

All I heard was something about a candle in a hole. Then it just reverted to prose like he gave up trying to write lyrics and was just cold free associating while his man servant wrote down the results. Which is when I had to give up listening. He does get points for the child rape segment. That ought to burnish his Mormon bona fides real good.

Einstein' December 9, 2009 at 10:59 am

The dude really says at the end, ““All it is is a hip-hop Hannukah song written by the senior senator from Utah.” Wow. Is that white or what?

Einstein' December 9, 2009 at 10:59 am

[re=474596]Gopherit[/re]: I didn’t see Obama in it.

finallyhappy December 9, 2009 at 11:00 am

[re=474596]Gopherit[/re]: Who the hell is Jeffrey Goldberg? He thinks there aren’t enough Chanukah songs so he asked Hatch to write one? There are actually many, many old and new English, Yiddish and Hebrew Chanukah songs(How about Ladina- Ocho Candelikas)so who “needs” this piece of badly written crap??

And Hatch wears a mezuzah- I wanted to spit at the screen.

Clean For Gene December 9, 2009 at 11:05 am

Oy vey, I wonder what South Carolina Repub County Chairman Edwin Merwin Jr. and Jim Ulmer have to say about this.

Mr Blifil December 9, 2009 at 11:05 am

[re=474612]finallyhappy[/re]: That’s not a mezuzah, it’s just an ornate amulet containing his mercy suicide dose, for when he finally “gets the news.”

Gopherit December 9, 2009 at 11:06 am

[re=474612]finallyhappy[/re]: He wanted a hip-hop song to bring the kids back to the first 6 tribes.

DemmeFatale December 9, 2009 at 11:12 am

I hope the mezuzah (which Jews don’t wear, BTW) burns a hole in his chest.
Condescending, baptizing and pandering asshat!

V572625694 December 9, 2009 at 11:12 am

This would’ve been a lot better if they could’ve gotten Jon Aschkrofft to be the lead singer. And he would have done it except he didn’t want to go to Hell.

binarian December 9, 2009 at 11:23 am

[re=474618]Mr Blifil[/re]: Presumably from the death panel located in Provo just for him.

vladster December 9, 2009 at 11:29 am

[re=474554]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Songs that end in ole

SayItWithWookies December 9, 2009 at 11:31 am

This goes out to all the Chosen People out there:

Chanukah
Oh Chanukah
It’s our damn holiday
But the Christians will
Fuck it up anyway
It’s not even a big deal
Not Christmas for the Jews
But now it’s a white thing
Like sweat lodges and the blues

8 days of Chanukah
That’s all you need to know
Now go play with your dreidl
Dashing through the snow

A small band of people
Pulled a tiny sleigh
Through the darkest night
And Rudolph led the way

Hiding from the Romans
In a fortress by the sea
They opened their presents
Underneath the tree

8 days of Chanukah
That’s all you need to know
Now go play with your dreidl
Dashing through the snow

DC Hates Me December 9, 2009 at 11:50 am

Commissioned by the DoD as PSYOPS music for Gitmo detainees.

shadowMark December 9, 2009 at 12:02 pm

Now all day I’m going to be thinking about that great Badfinger song about Jews:

I can’t live
If living is without Jews
I can’t live
I can’t give any more…

finallyhappy December 9, 2009 at 12:05 pm

[re=474647]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I will be singing your song at our synagogue Chanukah party or do you have a CD or MP3 of someone famous doing it so I can just play it?

snideinplainsight December 9, 2009 at 12:07 pm

Rasheeda – you’ra in my dream-a

meyotch December 9, 2009 at 12:07 pm

Next time you meet a Mormon, call them a Jew-wannabe. They hate that, cuz it’s true.

CycloneArmageddon December 9, 2009 at 12:07 pm

[re=474668]shadowMark[/re]: Badfinger? What do kids learn about modern music in school these days?

Lazy Media December 9, 2009 at 12:10 pm

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I will play.

As minor Jewish holidays go, Hanukkah is particularly lame. Hey, the lamp oil lasted unusually long, so we don’t have to go to bed as early! Huzzah! Now, we’re free of the Seleucids, so to celebrate, let’s wait 200 years, rise up against the Romans and commit suicide at Masadah!

Fortunately, in America we have a secular gift-giving holiday around the same time called “Xmas.” (The meaning of X is a secret (Santa)).

SayItWithWookies December 9, 2009 at 12:15 pm

[re=474670]finallyhappy[/re]: Since I just made up the lyrics about 45 minutes ago (to the tune of Hatch’s song) I haven’t had a chance to record it, alas. Maybe if I wrote a nice letter to the senator he’d do a version?

Accordion-o-rama December 9, 2009 at 12:15 pm

[re=474569]JadedDIssonance[/re]: It’s a coprolite. Rather like Orrin himself, actually.

Paul Tardy December 9, 2009 at 12:24 pm

A nice gesture but nothing short of the West Bank will do.

The Other Sarah T December 9, 2009 at 12:30 pm

Re, betterDeadThanRed – “Orrin Hatch, Vahksin zuls du vi a tsibeleh, mitten kup in drerd” – Yeah you right ! Like there’s not already enough anti-semitism in the world ? So many many reasons why Orrin Hatch needs to be anally baptized with a huge (kosher) salami…

thesheriffisnear December 9, 2009 at 12:42 pm

SHMENDRIK

RoscoePColtraine December 9, 2009 at 12:42 pm

Now I’m completely confused. (It doesn’t take much, actually.) I thought we were fighting a war on Christmas. Does Orrin know that Ccchhhanukah presents a reason we wish anonymous customers and people on the street the dreadful ‘Happy Holidays’? — that demonic catch-all phrase which makes baby Jesus cry in his crib of straw.

Orrin is a traitor. “Treat him for insomnia” until he is dead.

Extemporanus December 9, 2009 at 1:47 pm

The point is, Orrin Hatch is basically Mozart, but a Mozart who writes lyrics and cares about Jews.

Orinn Hatch is Matzart.

HEY!

glamourdammerung December 9, 2009 at 2:30 pm

This is how Morons warm up for “baptising” dead Jews.

Mike Steele December 9, 2009 at 4:15 pm

That song made me feel like maybe hate crimes aren’t necessarily a bad thing after all. Heck, I’m Jewish and that made me hate Jews. Like everyone else, I already hated the Mormons (MORMANS!) already. Hey!

S.Luggo December 9, 2009 at 4:17 pm

Next Hatch tune: Grandma got run over by a rabbi.

Godot December 9, 2009 at 4:44 pm

Is anybody else getting kind of a piratey, sea-shanty vibe from this song?

Japster December 9, 2009 at 5:52 pm

Mr Blifil- I think he’s using that mezzuzah to store his weed in. Well that is what any self-respecting Modern- Heeb would do anyway.

My husband lived in Utah for 20 years as a Jew. He used to remark that it was the only time in his life where he was actually the gentile.

Godot December 9, 2009 at 7:42 pm

[re=474612]finallyhappy[/re]: I don’t think a mezuzah is something you wear. Mine at least is on the door frame of my apartment. Then again what do I know, I’m not even Jewish. My wife is, and she doesn’t really know what the deal with them is either. She just let her orthodox cousin put it up so he’d leave her alone.

schvitzatura December 10, 2009 at 1:10 am

I (heart) Mithridates Antiochus IV Epiphanes…and the Menelausian Gymnasium must be reconstructed on the Temple Mount!

Για την Ελλάδα, ρε γαμώτο!!1!

JohnD December 10, 2009 at 4:05 am

The commandment is to put the specific verses on your forehead, on your arm, and on the doorposts (mezuzot) of your home. Tefillin cases and mezuzot covers contain the section of the Bible that commands this.

The Torah is silent on wearing this stuff around your neck. On the other hand, my local Judaica store does carry “mezuzah necklaces,” though they are careful to point out that these are not real mezuzot, as they don’t have a scroll inside. (They also sell “car mezuzot,” which do have a scroll, although not a kosher one (it’s printed, not hand-written on parchment). Despite the economic crisis, the doorframe of my car is not the “doorposts of my house.”)

Kokapelye December 10, 2009 at 10:45 am

“…The song canon for Hanukkah, a particularly interesting historical holiday, is sparse and uninspiring…. The songs I liked best were the ones uninfected by self-distancing Jewish irony….” [Quotes from Tablet article, but repeated in other interviews/stories]

Wow Goldberg, where were you last Kislev? 2008 —or 5769 if you prefer— brought out a lot of good Khanuka CDs, including one track with Y-Love rapping _oyf yidish_. Oh wait, a black Jew rapping in Yiddish is postmodern and ironic.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna listen to _Christmas in the Heart_ and de-bap Senator Hatch at the International Jew Conspiracy website.

Kokapelye December 10, 2009 at 10:58 am

Oh crud! That was s’posed to be International Jewish Conspiracy.

http://www.internationaljewishconspiracy.com/articles/ijc_040322_annoyamormon/ijc_040207_mormon.html

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